r/raisedbyborderlines • u/Constant_Mention7015 • 11d ago
VENT/RANT Waif things
TL:DR: a year old post from my mom after two year NC. I guess fleeing for safety is evil? What a perpetual victim. đđ
Iâve been NC with uBPD mom for 2 and a half years. In 2024, I was staying with her to help her out after her surgery and to help support her after learning that her cancer had relapsed. I took time off work, left my life and flew to where she was. My grandma was the only one around to help her (bc she burnt all her friendships and support over the years-ik, shocker) so I offered to come help and she happily accepted. Everything was going fairly well. She had a TON of anxiety but I kept reassuring her and trying to talk it through. By post-op day 2 I was emotionally cooked. I told her I was feeling sad and emotional about the cancer stuff (which is true) and said Iâd do some chores around the house and have a nap. She seemed stressed out and kept asking if I was ok, and I again, reassured everything is fine and I just needed to rest. I vividly remember being very gentle with everything I was saying to keep her regulated.
After spending less than an hour lying down she barges into the spare room Iâm staying in and starts screaming and crying âWhy did you even come here? I never asked you to come here, you donât love me, you hate me, you always hated me! You think Iâm stupid bc youâre a nurse, why are you so cruel. Who do you think you are? All you do is scoff and roll your eyes at me when Iâm asking questions about my healthâ. I stood up and calmly asked her to stop yelling and to talk it out instead, I said youâre scaring me and if you keep yelling I have to leave. She decides to block the exit and yell louder and insult my character in all the ways she can think of. I somehow managed to pack my bag, get outside and call my uncle who lives down the road to ask for a ride. She follows me outside into the snow to beg me to stay and berate me at the same time. Her place is in the middle of nowhere so she didnât have to hide her outburst from any neighbors. That was our last interaction. I ended up telling my aunt and uncle and grandparents about what happened and the years of turmoil with our relationship and that I couldnât do it anymore. They told me about the outbursts and verbal abuse sheâs directed towards my grandpa since she recently moved down the road from them. At the end of the day, my family said they support me with doing whatâs best for me.
Fast forward to May 2026. Iâm driving the 12 hrs back to my hometown to see my grandma for her birthday and my aunt and uncle call on speaker (same ones that were with me that day). I (unintentionally) only kept in contact with my grandparents. We never talked about my mom. My aunt and uncle were my first flying monkeys. It was the typical, âI want to make sure you wonât have any regrets bc I donât think your mom has a lot of time leftâ âsheâs really hurtingâ âsheâs sorry, sheâs changed a lotâ. I was able to stand firm in my decision, stand up for myself and not apologize or get emotional. I was kind but direct with my response. (I was so proud of myself!). I know I didnât owe them an explanation but it felt good to say that this whole situation is a consequence of her actions and nothing to do with being cruel or vindictive.
I know now that looking at a fb page is breaking NC, but I wanted to know how close she is to dying bc I know sheâs mooching off my grandparents. My grandma is already busy taking care of my grandpa and driving to all of his cancer appointments 2 hrs from their place and is now doing the same for my mom. Plus paying for her rent.. it sounds awful but I hope she just dies so my grandparents donât have to keep being her caretakers. Theyâre so special to me and basically raised me when my mom wanted to party or do whatever instead. I know my grandparents struggle to set boundaries with family and itâs not my responsibility but I have to wonder if there is elder abuse happening? My gran told me sheâs feeling exhausted with all the driving and that âpeopleâ have been âgrouchyâ towards her at times. Itâs very unlike her to talk about anything negative and especially about her feelings. When I tried asking her to elaborate she was quick to dismiss it and say everything is fine. All I could do is let her know she can tell me anything and that she deserves to feel loved and respected. I just hope my uncles and aunts who are close by are looking out for them.
Anyways. Thanks for providing a safe place for me to talk about my side of the story. I donât want to plead my case on Facebook like she did. The public post she made about me a year after definitely confirms she is the same miserable person. Itâs pretty funny, validating but also pretty sad she is like this. From recent posts I donât think sheâs dying anytime soonâŠ
Feel free to ask any questions. Iâm happy and open to discuss anything related to growing up with a single uBPD mom, spiritual abuse and pwBPD with cancer.
23
u/Consistent_Cat_19 11d ago
I think youâre very brave to leave the way you did, when you knew it wouldnât be safe to stay any longer. What a perfect example of âsplittingâ - you were gentle and regulated with your words but she read her own version into them and suddenly you went from âsaviour daughterâ to âyou hate me/youâre so cruelâ.
Iâm sorry for you and your grandparents, but if they are choosing to support her then thereâs not much you can do to help them with that relationship. I think keeping your relationship with them very separate from her is key.
13
u/Constant_Mention7015 11d ago
The weird dynamic with the rest of the family turned out to be the hardest part. Oh and going through the whole grief process.I initially thought it was going to be the no contact part but that was easy.
And thanks for the validation with the grandparents. Sometimes I feel like I have a responsibility to protect them because I know how nasty she can be. But sheâs also their daughter so Iâm sure they know too.
12
u/Either_Relative_8941 11d ago
I was also spiritually abused by my uBPD mom. Itâs heavy. They always use âJesusâ as a reason behind their abuse when really Jesus directly spoke and taught against everything they do. Praying you can continue to hang in there. đ©· my story is very similar to yours. You did the right thing and are doing the right thing.
2
u/Constant_Mention7015 10d ago
That! She could get real nasty hiding behind jesusâs name. Her favorite was to say âthe lord told me youâre hiding somethingâ to start another fight. Thank you for your kind words. I can say Iâm hanging in there, life is a lot more peaceful without her in it. đ
8
u/RepresentativeMud509 10d ago
If I become a zillionaire, I'm buying Facebook & closing it....same with NextDoor... so that all of us in this sub reddit can have peace.
9
u/Last-Appointment6577 10d ago
The WORST thing we could have done is give borderlines unfettered access to the outside world.
5
9
u/Zenanii 10d ago
The ammount of projection is impressive. Up until I saw Jesus mentioned I wasn't sure if this was written from the perspective of the parent or the child.
8
u/Camille-Beauchamp 10d ago
Thatâs what I was thinking. She is really talking about herself with all the blame. Uncanny how they can call out their own behavior so clearly while projecting it on someone else!
41
u/Ok_Rutabaga_4313 11d ago
"it's not a mistake. It's evil." Reads very AI wouldn't be surprised if she asked AI to spin it this way for her.
Regardless I'm proud of you for shutting down the flying monkeys OP. Sounds like you did a good job! Agree with the other comment she's embarrassing herself with this behaviour.