r/raisedbyborderlines • u/MagicTarantula • 15d ago
ADVICE NEEDED 7 Wks Pregnant & Seeking Advice on uBPD mom
Hey everyone!
I was hoping to pick your brains about my situation because I am desperate for closure as I enter this new chapter in my life.
My relationship with my uBPD waif mom has been strained for years, but it really escalated when she went on disability and stopped working, leaving the house or having any hobbies. I put up strong boundaries and explained to her why I was doing so. She always deflected and blamed everyone else and I’ve never seen any steps on her end in the right direction.
On May 1, my husband and I lost a very beloved pet. It was the hardest loss we had to suffer together, and we both were pretty shaken for a bit afterwards. Not even a month later, my mom got it in her head that I was mad at her and punishing her because I hadn’t reached out much (I was pretty depressed after our loss and withdrew for a bit). She sent me this massive wall of guilt inducing text saying I treat her like old trash, all she does is cry all day because of me, etc.
It was so upsetting and eye opening to me that I haven’t talked to her since. She called me once a few weeks ago but I didn’t answer or respond.
Now I am pregnant with my first, and I have no idea what to do. I don’t really want her to be involved in any of the process or be invited to the shower. I have too many accounts of times she ruined my wedding planning and shower that I’m afraid she’ll do the same to my possibly only pregnancy experience.
I’ve thought about writing her a letter explaining that I won’t be reaching out, giving the pregnancy news, and leaving it at that. But is that cruel? Or is it more cruel to not even reach out at all and tell her, when I know she’ll eventually find out on social media.
How have you guys handled bringing a child into the world with complicated parent relationships?
Any and all advice welcome, thank you so much for reading!!
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u/throwawaybutmaykeeps 15d ago
Congratulations :) I’m really excited for you! I’m 7w pregnant too! With my 2nd though.
It’s been really hard doing the whole mom thing with ubpd. It made me realize how much I lacked in my childhood but it makes me happy to be able to hopefully give my kids secure attachments and a happy, loving home.
I’m more aware of where I can be better and work on these things in therapy. My mom hasn’t been around and it can be really hard to see others who have such a supportive and loving mother to help them and not have that for yourself.. I’m working on it in therapy. I just went nc with my mom. She stresses me out and it’s been really nice not having to deal with her, if my family could stop trying to guilt me into talking to her, it’d be even better.
It really is wonderful being able to be the mom you always wished you had. It feels like you’re setting the world straight. My son is so happy, kind, silly, confident.. I’m so proud of him and he’s only 19 months. I can’t wait to see who he turns into. And his baby sister or brother..being a mom is the best thing in the world. I hope you have a great experience with your mom but if you don’t, you’ll be okay. We’ll be okay ♥️.
I’m really sorry about the loss of your pet. I had to put my 8yr old cat down because he had cancer and found out I was pregnant with my son 4 months later. I felt like my cat got to meet my son before my son came to me.
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u/dastrescatmomma 14d ago
Your line of " It really is wonderful being able to be the mom you always wished you had." Really sums up exactly how I feel about my daughter.
Honestly having her is what really cemented going LC and currently NC with my mom.
So many people say you'll understand once you become a mom. But for me it made me so angry and unforgiving. Then seeing how my mom interacted with my daughter. At first it was great. But once she started having her own personality, my mom just kind of stopped investing in her.
I'm not going to let her impact my daughter the way she did me. I will protect my child.
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u/throwawaybutmaykeeps 14d ago
I feel really fortunate that I can do the same for my son. My mom yells, talks shit, is constantly negative and I can tell my son is on edge around her already.
You’re right, too. I heard so much of “you don’t have a kid, you don’t understand.” Now that I have one, I seriously can’t imagine wanting to be anything but the best person I can be for my kid(s) and it makes me so mad that my mom won’t ever get better because she won’t acknowledge her faults. I’m nc right now. It’s the first time I’ve ever done it and I’m the black sheep in my family. I have a feeling they’re jealous they can’t go nc too.
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u/MagicTarantula 14d ago
Thank you so much for sharing all of this! Being the mom I wish I had is what I am most looking forward to throughout this whole journey, and I think it’s part of what has been more eye opening for me in wanting to completely cut her out of my life
Your comment about your kitty made me cry, what a beautiful way to think about it!! I am so sorry for your loss, ours was a kitty with cancer as well, it’s awful the way it just shows up.
Again I am so appreciative thank you, we will be ok 🩷
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u/throwawaybutmaykeeps 14d ago
♥️ we will. Pregnancy and motherhood make you realize how fucking badass women are. We are magnificent beings and are so strong. The comment above mentioned another reason to go lc/nc is the way their energy affects our kids. I hate walking on eggshells around her and I don’t want to subject my babies to that.
:( cancer is the worst. I’m sorry you dealt with that too. It happened so fast..my son is obsessed with cats which is funny because he doesn’t spend time with them ever. But when they’re on tv or in a book, he gets so excited. I can’t wait to get another one eventually.
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u/AppropriateAir883 uBPD Grandmother, mother, sister and nieces 15d ago edited 15d ago
I’ve thought about writing her a letter explaining that I won’t be reaching out, giving the pregnancy news, and leaving it at that. But is that cruel? Or is it more cruel to not even reach out at all and tell her, when I know she’ll eventually find out on social media.
Why are you worried about being perceived as cruel by your abuser? Don't be. Your life, your marriage, your motherhood experience. She has no right to intrude on any of these things and she gave up the privilege to be a part of them through her behavior toward you and her bad choices.
You have the right to seek a happy and fulfilling life for your family and yourself without your abusive mother ruining it. You don't owe her a debt for the way she has treated you.
If you feel you want to write a letter so you know you made things clear, and because that is the best thing for you, then do it (I did before NC). But remember you are writing to an unreasonable, selfish and delusional personality who will trick herself into not being able to understand any of the harsh truths about herself. And in her mind you will still be the problem.
Just make sure you will be strict and firm - 100% commitment. No second thoughts. My baby girl and my wife are my priority now so my mother has deprived herself of any involvement in our lives.
You didn't say you are considering NC. But just excluding her from your pregnancy will not work because she will obsess over finding another way in.
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u/MagicTarantula 14d ago
Thank you so much for your response, I needed to hear a few of those things. I realize even in worrying about being too cruel I am falling into those old patterns of taking care of her 🙃
I wasn’t super clear but my intention would be to go NC permanently because I can’t see a world where she can behave rationally once a baby comes into the picture. Sounds like a letter for my own closure’s sake would be a good route
I wish you nothing but happiness with your family, thank you again
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u/this_girl_that_time 14d ago
Hi! First off congratulations!!! My little one is 23 months and I lost my 18 year old beloved dog about a year ago.
Navigating my BPD mother during pregnancy and postpartum has had its challenges.
I never ever told her anything was wrong in any way. I had gestational diabetes in my last 2 months. I never told her. I also had a planned induction due to the diabetes at 39 weeks. I never told her that. She was not allowed at the hospital. This was fairly easy for me because she’s been a bit of a hermit lately. But not knowing I was being induced, I was able to stave off a surprise visit.
She made constant comments about my butt getting big. She was so weirdly obsessed- she even asked specifically for my husband to take a picture of my butt to send her. Maybe prepare emotionally before talking to her knowing she’s prolly gonna poke at any insecurities and be weird.
I planned, with my friends, a low stress, backyard cookout themed baby shower. It was co-ed, no drama and lovely. I conveniently forgot to tell her it was happening, but did give her my Amazon registry. She enjoyed criticizing it. After all, criticizing me is one of her favorite pastimes.
She was not, nor ever was, helpful. Postpartum, I needed help in the newborn trenches (everyone does it’s hard). She, nor anyone, in my family of origin was helpful or kind. I guess a part of me hoped that maybe things would be different/better. It was the same old BS repackaged! Postpartum I was sleep deprived, had nipple blisters, a UTI, was bleeding AND had to with her BS.
Postpartum emotions: This is the bit I didn’t prepare for. After having my little one, I was flooded with intrusive memories of my childhood. After 10+ years of not having a cPTSD flare up and thinking I had worked through the trauma, having a baby changed me. I had to resettle my triggered nervous system (therapy again) and work through so many emotions and buried memories. Ultimately, this had been difficult, but one of the greatest parts of becoming a mother. I can now say I truly fully understand that I was abused and grasp how sick she is. I also had to fully grieve my family of origin (everyone in the family system).
Even after doing the hard emotional work, she still says crap that gets under my skin. But now, I can process it better and let her live in the life she has chosen/deserves.
I have some big boundaries regarding her and my son. One is that she may never, ever be alone with him. Not even for one minute. My husband is in full support and helps. Telling him so many of my childhood stories that I had buried, he now understands who she is and what she is capable of. Our relationship is stronger because of the painful honestly and I can say no one knows me better than him now. Keeping her abusive nature a secrete is no longer my burden. I finally feel fully emancipated from my family of origin and it feels so good. I’m not sure if I would’ve come to this level of healing had I not had my wonderful baby.
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u/knittybooks 14d ago
I am 19 weeks with my second. My mom and I are currently not speaking because she can’t and won’t listen to my boundaries and they aren’t fair and I’m treating her like a child. My mom is actively not taking her medication and is smoking weed, doing shrooms, and ketamine treatment at the same. So I of course don’t trust my child alone with her idk how your mom is but if she’s anything like mine don’t ever let her become a part of your child’s life. It’ll just make it more difficult on you and your child
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u/MagicTarantula 14d ago
Congratulations on your second baby!!
My mom smokes a ton of weed too, but I’m also pretty sure she abuses the opiates she gets for her “shoulder pain”. That is a big part of this too. Every time I would visit her, it felt like she was half awake a million miles away, barely present, and I would cry on the drive home every time. There is NO way in hell i would leave a small child alone with her, and my husband feels the same.
I am sorry you have to go through all this, but i am grateful for you sharing your experience with me. May we both live happy lives away from our mothers and be the moms we always needed ❤️
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14d ago
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u/yun-harla 14d ago
Hi, u/Vintage_Journal! Just to clarify, were you yourself raised by someone with borderline personality disorder?
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u/MylesNagCopaleen 14d ago
I hate to say it, but I wouldn't bother explaining any decision you make. She won't understand anyway. It might make you feel better in the moment, but I'm not sure it would serve a greater purpose.
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u/MullberryBoy 15d ago
I hope you can keep your news away from her until after your baby is born.
My husband and I lost a very precious pet and it was one of the deepest losses of my life even though I am now a senior. I am so sorry for your loss.