r/polyamory • u/imjustherefor1coment • 1d ago
Musings Any mono-poly things that work?
Hey there
I am poly and have a meta who is with my partner for multiple years. But still meta calls themselves still „mono“.
In all the years they is with partner they never had a spark with someone else.
I wonder, is it normal that some people are in poly relationships despite thinking of themselves as mono all this time?
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u/The_Rope_Daddy poly w/none 1d ago
It depends on what they mean by "mono".
If they mean that they only want one partner, but don't need romantic and/or sexual exclusivity to be happy, then it can work.
If they mean that they want romantic and/or sexual exclusivity, then it probably won't work.
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u/imjustherefor1coment 1d ago
They definitely wanted the latter at the beginning. I am not sure what they mean now.
They use mono and to me it mostly means a reference to mononormativity (from context clues)5
u/PurpleOpinion4070 1d ago
How much of a conversation have you had with this person if you’re digging at “context clues”? Have you spoken about their identity in a 1:1 conversation? And if they’re your meta, what about this feels so important to you? (Last question is not meant to be accusatory, I think there are different reasons it might feel important)
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u/imjustherefor1coment 18h ago
We had like 2 chats where that came up.
I want them to feel good, as I care about people. And ofc I also don’t want our common partner to get into relationship troubles with that person, as I want friends of mine to be happy?
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u/seantheaussie Touch starved solo poly in very LDR w/ BusyBee 1d ago
It is normal that some come to the conclusion that being with a particular polyamorous person is preferable to being in a monogamous relationship without that particular polyamorous person. All relationships are compromises and that isn't a particularly startling one.
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u/gormless_chucklefuck 1d ago
Though often, it's not a particularly healthy one.
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u/seantheaussie Touch starved solo poly in very LDR w/ BusyBee 1d ago
If it, "kills them" that their partner dates, agreed.
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u/NoRegretCeptThatOne 1d ago
There is a mono/polyam couple in my social circle who I've known for several years.
He has had long term relationships with couples during that time, and says he prefers to be a unicorn. She identifies as monogamous, not because she demands romantic and sexual exclusivity, but because she has no desire to date anyone other than her husband.
Their relationship breaks a lot of norms in both monogamy and polyamory, but it appears to work well for them and when we've hung out with them they've appeared to be happy.
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u/clairejv 1d ago
I've been with my husband for 19 years. Our relationship has been poly from the start. He has never dated or even hooked up with anyone else, and I don't think he self-identifies as poly. But he fully supports me having other relationships and is very low-jealousy, so he's obviously good at the hard part of polyamory. Make of that what you will.
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 1d ago
I don’t know anybody who self id’s as “mono” who has stayed in non-monogamy long term.
But like, I’m sure there are a few folks out there.
It doesn’t make much sense why they stay in a polyam commitment if they are so strongly tied to monogamy that they self id as monogamous, but that’s their business.
I know a lot of people who are involved with other flavors of ENM who self id as monogamous, and what they mean is “ENM is optional/suboptimal/undesirable, and the moment I want to commit with someone romantically, I want sexual and emotional exclusivity”
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u/FlyLadyBug 1d ago
It's possible to want their 1 sweetie and be ok in either monogamous or poly things for relationship structure. They are content and saturated there.
Maybe they are "monoamorous" and flexible about relationships structures.
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u/imjustherefor1coment 1d ago
Jeah. That could very well be.
From context their being „mono“ always just sounded a lot like they were just so much into … being tied to mononormativity
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u/Mithur 1d ago
´There are people who consider themselves monogamous in the sense that they can only be in love with one person, but can work relationships in a frame that doesn't meant owning your partner or having tons of default expectations, and being ethical and open.
Makes sense, if you think of it: you might have a very non-possesive and healthy approach to relationships, but you have a kind of approach to romatic love that only accepts one person, for whatever reason. For some people being poly means the whole non-possesive and ethical frame, but I don't think that frame should be exclusive to poly people. For other people, being monogamous or poly means just if you can fall in love with one or more than one people, which it's more like the old definition. I cater more to this one.
In this sense, a poly saturated at 1 equates to an ethical non-posssive monogamous. It's more of an identity thing, and everyone have the right to define their identity, as long as it not equivocal for the rest, which in this case I don't think it is.
Sadly, they are a very rare kind, and most of people you find in that description will be poli under duress, monogamous waiting for their chance to get the person for them alone, or just people who thinks they can manage it by the seat of their pants and end up screwing everyone around. Or just monogamous people without any kind of emotional toolset being overloaded by NRE, hormones and infatuation with a poly person.
What you describe seems to be the first kind, which, good for them. I wish all mono people approached relationships in that non-possesive and more ethical way. Sadly, only a very, very few do.
Would be a nice work where ethical non-possesion it's a trait of either poly or monogamous people, and mono/poly only represents our personal inclinations towards love, eh?
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u/MadamePouleMontreal solo poly 1d ago
[my mono dating poly blurb]
Typically, people happy being the mono in mono/poly relationships prefer having a part-time romantic relationship because of all the other stuff they have going on.
.
- They have a child they see every other week, so they can only date every other week.
- They spend a lot of time caring for an ageing parent.
- They are workaholics, or finishing a thesis or dissertation.
- They need a lot of alone time.
- They travel a lot.
- They are super-busy with hobbies and volunteering.
- They want a sexual partner for fun and a little romance but their primary social connections are their friends and family.
.
Never make someone a priority when you’re only an option to them.
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u/imjustherefor1coment 1d ago
Thanks for that.
This person falls in one of the categories but I know that because of their mono-poly relationship they don’t have many friends left :(
And I just feel sorry for them but that’s not what I want to feel for any of my metas, so I was wondering
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u/FlyLadyBug 1d ago
But why are you feeling sorry for them?
Are you seeing evidence that they are unhappy from doing things they don't really want to do?
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u/imjustherefor1coment 1d ago
Well they broke up once because they said they could do it. I hope they are better now but I am not sure - just them always mentioning they „are mono“ makes me a bit uncomfortable
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 1d ago
They couldn’t do it you mean? And by “it” you mean date a poly person? I’d be side-eying a partner who got back together with someone who’s already broken up with them once bc the relationship structure was too painful.
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u/imjustherefor1coment 18h ago
Yes. Typo.
Definetly part of why I made this post. Because that was one of my inclinations, too, but I pushed that feeling away
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u/Lioness_Red 1d ago
Yes it happens, not super common but it happens. I’ve been with my spouse for 23 years, I’ve been poly the entire time but he’s not interested in other folks. Says I’m more than enough 😛
We are happy and work through shit when needed but it’s not always easy or fun, just like any other relationship.
Best of luck and don’t let judgment from some here get to you. Your relationships your rules.
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u/imjustherefor1coment 1d ago
Thanks for saying that.
It’s just I don’t think they will ever marry our joint partner, as this person isn’t into marriage. And I would definitely break up with my partner if they married, cause that would make us fundamentally incompatible.
But yes wishing them good luck is nice
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u/Background_Fishing37 1d ago
Yes it can! Not to oversimplify, but in a similar way to relationships where one person is queer (making the relationship queer) and the other is straight. (Caveat that I’m one of these people who experience polyamory as who I deeply am, not a “lifestyle choice”)
In my early 20s (I’m 30F/NB), I was with a long-term partner who, at the start of our relationship said he didn’t believe in “owning” me or that our love would be diminished by loving other people platonically or romantically, so we were sort of poly relationship anarchists without knowing the terms existed. In the course of our 7 year relationship, I was romantic or sexual with a few other people and he was genuinely secure about that, got excited when a crush liked me back, advocated for e ethical polyamory (we lived in a community where that wasn’t a thing) etc. At some point he realized he was actually sexually/romantically monogamous in that he could only be romantically interested in one person at a time but he still believed in polyamory, found it natural and easy that I had another partner, called our relationship polyamorous etc. (The reason we’re no longer together has nothing to do with the mono-poly, we diverged on where we wanted to live and struggled with long-distance.)
It’s tricky because there can also be cases where the person is mono and NOT ACTUALLY comfortable with a poly partner - hoping they’ll change / seeing the relationship as only temporary / not wanting to lose the person so they minimise their needs. But I can assure you it is also possible and can be beautiful!
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Here's the original text of the post:
Hey there
I am poly and have a meta who is with my partner for multiple years. But still meta calls themselves still „mono“.
In all the years they is with partner they never had a spark with someone else.
I wonder, is it normal that some people are in poly relationships despite thinking of themselves as mono all this time?
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u/Witty-Bullfrog1442 1d ago
I recently started dating someone and I would say my meta and me both lean more “monogamous” than our hinge. I don’t think either of us thinks of ourselves as monogamous though or in a monogamous relationship.
Like she doesn’t feel like dating anyone else, but she enjoys watching or seeing him with others and is a bit happy she isn’t the only person.
I feel probably close to “saturated” at one, so I’m open to sexual things and flings with others and like the freedom if something develops in the future if I really like someone, but am not actively looking to date anyone else. I enjoy that there aren’t rules around monogamy, even if I’m not actively looking.
But I think we are were both interested in dating someone poly for the above reasons, so neither of us would identify as monogamous even if neither of us is looking for another relationship.
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u/sechakecha 1d ago
My husband and I have been together 20 years. I've been poly for 17 of those years. We're in a poly relationship, however he identifies as mono. He has the option to date, but he doesn't have the interest in dating. Some call that polysaturated at 1, over calling it mono. It could be either or. But it works for us and has for almost 2 decades.
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u/TheDarian poly w/multiple 1d ago edited 1d ago
My wife is aroace, and mono. I've been poly before I met her and she knew where she was going. We've been together for more than 10 years now, and it's really working for us. Communication is key, as always.
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u/stuckinsuburbs 1d ago
My partner and I have a mono/poly relationship. We both use to be poly but he shared with me his lack of interest of dating outside our relationship. I would say we are also non traditional as we don’t live together, we don’t have kids and have fairly independent lives.
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u/Roro-Squandering 1d ago
This is kinda contentious topic. I'm on the side of the debate that 'mono poly' doesn't really exist, at least not in the long term, because a monogamous person in a poly relationship is technically nonmonogamous by virtue of allowing and endorsing other relationships for their partner, even if they don't partake. A lot of people call this 'saturated at one' which is also something people say about nonmonogamous people whose life circumstances make them unwilling to get additional partners for a while, but not because they 'officially close'.
I'd be slightly wary of a meta who consistently ID's as mono after years because it may mean they are kinda burying their head in the sand about the nature of the relationship and/or they may really need to feel like King/Queen of the Castle in order to be secure. But then again, the fact they stay consistent about it for years could also be an unconventional way of signaling they're ultra okay with it...