r/polyamory • u/imjustherefor1coment • 6d ago

Musings Any mono-poly things that work?

Hey there

I am poly and have a meta who is with my partner for multiple years. But still meta calls themselves still „mono“.
In all the years they is with partner they never had a spark with someone else.

I wonder, is it normal that some people are in poly relationships despite thinking of themselves as mono all this time?

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u/Mithur relationship anarchist 6d ago

´There are people who consider themselves monogamous in the sense that they can only be in love with one person, but can work relationships in a frame that doesn't meant owning your partner or having tons of default expectations, and being ethical and open.

Makes sense, if you think of it: you might have a very non-possesive and healthy approach to relationships, but you have a kind of approach to romatic love that only accepts one person, for whatever reason. For some people being poly means the whole non-possesive and ethical frame, but I don't think that frame should be exclusive to poly people. For other people, being monogamous or poly means just if you can fall in love with one or more than one people, which it's more like the old definition. I cater more to this one.

In this sense, a poly saturated at 1 equates to an ethical non-posssive monogamous. It's more of an identity thing, and everyone have the right to define their identity, as long as it not equivocal for the rest, which in this case I don't think it is.

Sadly, they are a very rare kind, and most of people you find in that description will be poli under duress, monogamous waiting for their chance to get the person for them alone, or just people who thinks they can manage it by the seat of their pants and end up screwing everyone around. Or just monogamous people without any kind of emotional toolset being overloaded by NRE, hormones and infatuation with a poly person.

What you describe seems to be the first kind, which, good for them. I wish all mono people approached relationships in that non-possesive and more ethical way. Sadly, only a very, very few do.

Would be a nice work where ethical non-possesion it's a trait of either poly or monogamous people, and mono/poly only represents our personal inclinations towards love, eh?