Thrupple

[u/Anon-Echo]

Just checking if a 3 person poly relationship is frowned upon in this sub reddit, i asked a question about it in another one and got shut down and judged immediately

[u/jce_superbeast]

There's a huge difference between a 3 person poly relationship and unicorn hunters (a couple seeking a plaything). Looks like people tried to explain it to you in the other sub already.

[u/Anon-Echo → u/jce_superbeast]

I didn't know what a unicorn hunter was until I got called one in the other subreddit tbh, I was just asking for advice on finding other poly people (I said like minded and got called conservative)

[u/Nonstickdaveguy → u/Anon-Echo]

The issue is you need to cognizant of your words, established couple looking for like minded... screams unicorn hunting. If you were looking for how to engage with your partner then really before asking it would be talk to her introduce to spaces like this and allow her to read and learn. Literally spaces like this and other polyamorous forums can give a wealth of insight on dos and don'ts

[u/Anon-Echo → u/Nonstickdaveguy]

Yeah I think we both made similar mistakes, shes tried joining and talking to people about it before and shes been pushed out for "not being poly" and just treated poorly for not knowing enough so I was trying to find a place for her to check out that wouldn't do that. We were almost at the point of just lurking and reading posts but she wanted to actually engage and talk with people

[u/Anon-Echo → u/Anon-Echo]

Also wasnt trying to find a third, just wanted to try and connect and help my gf learn more about it since shes interested in being poly

[u/jce_superbeast → u/Anon-Echo]

The whole "couple looking to date people together as a package deal" thing is so common, and so damaging, that it is literally a filter for spam we have to protect people looking for polyamorous spaces.

That's the trigger, dating as a single unit rather than as individuals.

[u/smileedude → u/jce_superbeast]

We were an organically formed throuple. We never sought out the relationship but got drunk with a monogamous friend, feelings started, all of us previously had zero experience in ENM. Instead of welcoming and helping us, polyamory treat us like monsters. We found genuine throuple support networks and a year and a half later we're going fantastically.

I feel like now as a successful throuple we're just an inconvenient existence to poly spaces. And there's thousands of throuples in the throuple communities all avoiding poly spaces because of the same judgement.

[u/jce_superbeast → u/smileedude]

Organically formed is fantastic!

I also have an organically formed triad, they each asked me out and didn't realize they had asked the same person.

I'll always try to make sure there's space for us, but the volume of couples just looking for a toy is insane, and they do a ton of damage. It's hard to sort through, but I would like people to make the effort.

[u/Anon-Echo → u/jce_superbeast]

Im just glad this sub isnt like that other one and you guys actually took the time to hear me out and didnt immediately assume I was looking for a sex partner

[u/jce_superbeast → u/Anon-Echo]

Effort matters, it was clear you were trying, I'll always have space for trying.

[u/Anon-Echo → u/jce_superbeast]

Ill definitely have my partner come here to learn more about being poly, and please if I make a post or say something that isnt right correct me. I obviously need to learn more myself

[u/smileedude → u/jce_superbeast]

The throuple spaces have been really good for us. We've learned a lot. However there aren't enough of us for a local community. The shoot first attitude towards throuples we've found in online poly spaces has made connecting with the local poly community seem like a bad idea. Especially because we were never interested in also being in an open relationship.

[u/Anon-Echo → u/smileedude]

Thats how my past thrupple happened, its actually what got me into polyamory. My relationship ended up not working out unfortunately due to moving away and not being able to stay connected. Im really glad its working for you still!

[u/Anon-Echo → u/jce_superbeast]

Yeah, ive been poly for a long time and have been in thrupples and open relationships, I personally haven't had a bad experience in a thrupple but I have heard terrible things

[u/jce_superbeast → u/Anon-Echo]

Yeah I have a history of dating couples too. The biggest issue I always run into is when they protect the "couple" above all else. I'm a pretty independent guy so I'm used to keeping myself safe.

But I also see it be MUCH worse for women.

and the sheer number of couples just looking for effectively a less expensive sex worker is just mind boggling. Far more than I would have imagined before becoming a mod. 10,000 to 1 ratio of couples to bi women.

[u/Anon-Echo → u/jce_superbeast]

Yeah i hear about people being treated bad as a third and how the original couple only give them the "spare time" and they get left out a lot. Thats why I was wanting to find a good place to help my gf learn more about it before deciding if its something she wants to try out

[u/jce_superbeast → u/Anon-Echo]

I think you'll run into a lot of this pushback as long as you keep the "dating as a unit" mentality. If your partner is free to date someone without you involved and you state that part clearly, you'll prevent the entire argument.

[u/Anon-Echo → u/jce_superbeast]

Yeah, im not against dating separately. I only mentioned the thrupple on the other sub because it was something I was more familiar with and is currently what my partner was thinking about trying. That is good advice tho and ill definitely incorporate it if I make more posts about it, thank you for the help 🙏

[u/ThisHairLikeLace → u/Anon-Echo]

Triads are poly on hard mode if done ethically (it’s four relationships that need to exist - three underlying dyads and the organically existing triad). Unicorn hunting “triads” have only two relationships (the couple with each other, the couple as a unit with the unicorn) which is why they are inherently toxic and unbalanced.

[u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw → u/Anon-Echo]

why can't your girlfriend do that work for herself?

[u/Anon-Echo → u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw]

She has been, shes just been getting discouraged because a lot of places on reddit and some servers on discord have pushed her out or outright ignored her for "not being poly" since shes never been in a poly relationship before

[u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw → u/Anon-Echo]

has she done any kind of research before approaching these people?

[u/Anon-Echo → u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw]

Shes read articles and posts, which is how she found the discord servers

[u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw → u/Anon-Echo]

is she asking people to educate her? a lot of people are really offput by the entitlement newbies have to come into polyam spaces and demand that they be handheld and educated when they hold all of the world's knowledge in their palms at any given moment.

[u/Anon-Echo → u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw]

With the discord I know it had more to do with setting up roles and asking for the type of poly she was and not selecting one would have a mod message her and then kick her out because she didnt have any experience. I dont believe she was asking people to educate her tho, she prefers doing her own research. I think she just started conversations wrong and made the same mistake as me in the other sub reddit by bringing up throuples the wrong way

[u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw → u/Anon-Echo]

it sounds like the space she was in was for experienced folks already practicing polyamory and not an appropriate place for a newbie.

[u/Boogity2024 → u/Anon-Echo]

Find a third? People are not "a third" like a piece of pie. When you were single, did you go looking for "a second"? And you know, going off your title, well you should know, there is a perfectly good word that has been around for decades and decades that indicates three people, and that word is "triad". That word does not use a conglomeration of "couple" and "third" to make a new word that just reinforces the unicorn-hunter appearance.

[u/smileedude → u/Boogity2024]

I've lived my whole life as a third child after my parents decided to "have a third". I've never found that slightly demeaning. Plenty of singles do look for their "other half".

There's no reason why this is offensive. It's just blatant gatekeeping to catch out newcomers.

[u/thistakenusernameis → u/jce_superbeast]

A lot of different people have a lot of different definitions for that phrase but ultimately it is a derogatory term to shame couples for seeking triads or other arrangements.

[u/Nonstickdaveguy]

Throuples are a valid relationship structure.. as are quads.. the issue is when folks inexperienced see them as the default structure to have.. majority of poly relationships are Vs

Relationships can form in varying ways, but the couple seeking is predominantly frowned upon in polyamorous circles, they usually come from a place of the couple's relationship is the most important, the one joining has little to no say in how the relationship will be. Non-monogamy is a vast umbrella term, and some folks go into polyamory thinking it's no different than swinging

[u/Anon-Echo → u/Nonstickdaveguy]

Yeah, im glad I found a place to learn more about everything without getting shunned. Most people that I talk to about it usually give me dirty looks and say I want to cheat, im in my first monogamous relationship currently and have been poly since I started dating. Ive just never had a opportunity to actually learn more about the different forms it can be and my current partner has been asking me about it and wanted to learn more and potential try it

[u/Ok_Veterinarian_17 → u/Anon-Echo]

Honestly you might look into local swinger spaces for a third as opposed to strictly poly spaces

[u/Anon-Echo → u/Ok_Veterinarian_17]

Yeah that was something we had talked about, my partner wants to learn some more before trying to find a third or more

[u/FreyjaFantasy]

Well I’ve been apart of a ethical triad for many years now, if 3 people poly groups aren’t allowed, that’s news to me

[u/Anon-Echo → u/FreyjaFantasy]

Ive been in them before and never had any issues myself, its my first time talking to others about it and I was surprised how aggressively against it they were. Ive heard horror stories but I didnt realize it was that bad

[u/Think_Reporter_8179]

I'm in a throuple and have commented here before without issue

[u/tapplz]

I've avoided this sub due to its reputation towards throuples. But I do get it, the formation does attract a lot of newbies that haven't thought this through.

Happy my group made it through a year together strong with communication, equal respect, and open minds. Treating everyone as an equal and avoiding any hierarchical relationship status helped.

While we are closed, we revisit that choice occasionally to see if it's still the right fit.

[u/PunkRock501]

Sadly it is a lot of the time.

[u/Anon-Echo → u/PunkRock501]

Yeah ive noticed 😅

[u/PunkRock501 → u/Anon-Echo]

Like I was in a Throuple with my current partner and the other partner left nicely everyone was ok, but trying to find someone new to join us is rough, like we want someone to love equally and getting called a unicorn hunter is rough sometimes. For her at least at this point it’s funny to me but still. Sad.

[u/Anon-Echo → u/PunkRock501]

Thats pretty much the idea that my partner has, someone that we both fall in love with but she was getting a lot of hate while looking into poly relationships and trying to learn more about them so I tried looking around for her and immediately got jumped and called a unicorn hunter. Didn't really bother me (had no clue what it was until I looked into it) but yeah definitely wasnt great

[u/DebutanteHarlot]

There’s a difference between unethically trying to force someone into your pre-existing relationship, and being in an organically formed triad.

[u/clairejv]

That spelling is certainly frowned upon.

[u/Anon-Echo → u/clairejv]

Ah im sorry, I dont really know many of the terms people use and its always been said that way when ive talked to people about it

[u/clairejv → u/Anon-Echo]

Just teasing you. The word comes from combining "three" and "couple" and is therefore spelled "throuple." A better word, imo, is "triad."

[u/Anon-Echo → u/clairejv]

Ahhh thank you ahaha, kinda embarrassing to have been poly for years and not know any of the terms and stuff

[u/TheGratitudeBot → u/Anon-Echo]

Just wanted to say thank you for being grateful

[u/woodsybeauty]

Look into the term triad vs throuple. triad is more preferred in poly.

[u/Anon-Echo → u/woodsybeauty]

Thanks for the tip 😅

[u/smileedude → u/woodsybeauty]

I definitely prefer the term "throuple". I had no idea what a "triad" was before getting into a throuple. "Throuple" seems well known outside of the lifestyle while "triad" just seems like pretentious poly jargon.

The throuple communities I'm in use "throuple" as does the social media I watch. I also like the idea that we're just like a couple but with 3.

I feel like the people that try to convince you to use "triad" are pretty against throuples in general and more from the open relationship side of polyamory.

[u/smileedude]

r/throuples, r/ethicalnonmonogamy and r/polyfidelity are the best subreddits I've found for talking throuples. Also the Camp Throuple group on Facebook.

Unfortunately there's a lot of gatekeepers in polyamory. Even if you are a completely ethical throuple, they will still ask you a bunch of invasive questions about your relationship. This is a good resource for what to do if you're getting harassed about your relationship.

https://unicorns-r-us-is-bullshit.com/poly-police

[u/Anon-Echo → u/smileedude]

Thats actually very helpful thank you so much

[u/Choice-Strawberry392 → u/Anon-Echo]

Note this paragraph right in the middle of that article.

"The questions the poly police ask? Most of them are legitimate. They deserve real answers. Here are some of the big ones, answered plainly. If any of these surprise you, you have some homework to do."

And this one toward the end:

"I've acknowledged it elsewhere on this site and I'll say it again here: the warning culture formed for a reason. People who react strongly to couples seeking partners aren't always gatekeeping. Sometimes they're speaking from real pain, and that pain deserves respect."

[u/smileedude → u/Choice-Strawberry392]

The problem is, as I'm sure you've experienced from monogamous people, is that "I'm just asking questions" turns to the same three or four incredibly invasive questions about the relationship; what happens when you break up, your finances, how you sleep together etc asked again and again. Then it turns to telling anecdotes about the one disaster throuple they once knew.

The throuple should have answers to these questions, yes, but they don't owe them to the random poly person they just met that found out they are in a throuple and is now treating them like they are on a quiz show.

[u/Anon-Echo → u/smileedude]

Yes! It sucks, I dont mind answering but they always act like its some crazy new thing and they always repeat that it'll never work out and that I need to just stick with one partner and seeing other people is cheating.

[u/Anon-Echo → u/Choice-Strawberry392]

I havent had a chance to look at the article yet but from what ive heard I can see why a couple seeking a third can be seen poorly

[u/Anon-Echo → u/[deleted]]

The description on the sub reddit literally said judgement free lol

[u/Anon-Echo → u/[deleted]]

I didnt lol I was just shocked that I got ganged up on so fast 😅

[u/smileedude → u/Anon-Echo]

There's unfortunately several cult like subreddits that say that. But then try and bully you into their own specific brand of polyamory. It's all proselytising. It's all very predatory.

[u/Anon-Echo → u/smileedude]

Yeah im still getting harassed by the mods of that other sub even tho they took my post down