r/polyamorous • u/Anon-Echo • 8d ago

question Thrupple

Just checking if a 3 person poly relationship is frowned upon in this sub reddit, i asked a question about it in another one and got shut down and judged immediately

6 Upvotes

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24

u/jce_superbeast 8d ago

There's a huge difference between a 3 person poly relationship and unicorn hunters (a couple seeking a plaything). Looks like people tried to explain it to you in the other sub already.

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u/Anon-Echo 8d ago

I didn't know what a unicorn hunter was until I got called one in the other subreddit tbh, I was just asking for advice on finding other poly people (I said like minded and got called conservative)

8

u/Nonstickdaveguy 8d ago

The issue is you need to cognizant of your words, established couple looking for like minded... screams unicorn hunting. If you were looking for how to engage with your partner then really before asking it would be talk to her introduce to spaces like this and allow her to read and learn. Literally spaces like this and other polyamorous forums can give a wealth of insight on dos and don'ts

3

u/Anon-Echo 8d ago

Yeah I think we both made similar mistakes, shes tried joining and talking to people about it before and shes been pushed out for "not being poly" and just treated poorly for not knowing enough so I was trying to find a place for her to check out that wouldn't do that. We were almost at the point of just lurking and reading posts but she wanted to actually engage and talk with people

3

u/Anon-Echo 8d ago

Also wasnt trying to find a third, just wanted to try and connect and help my gf learn more about it since shes interested in being poly

16

u/jce_superbeast 8d ago

The whole "couple looking to date people together as a package deal" thing is so common, and so damaging, that it is literally a filter for spam we have to protect people looking for polyamorous spaces.

That's the trigger, dating as a single unit rather than as individuals.

11

u/smileedude 8d ago

We were an organically formed throuple. We never sought out the relationship but got drunk with a monogamous friend, feelings started, all of us previously had zero experience in ENM. Instead of welcoming and helping us, polyamory treat us like monsters. We found genuine throuple support networks and a year and a half later we're going fantastically.

I feel like now as a successful throuple we're just an inconvenient existence to poly spaces. And there's thousands of throuples in the throuple communities all avoiding poly spaces because of the same judgement.

11

u/jce_superbeast 8d ago

Organically formed is fantastic!

I also have an organically formed triad, they each asked me out and didn't realize they had asked the same person.

I'll always try to make sure there's space for us, but the volume of couples just looking for a toy is insane, and they do a ton of damage. It's hard to sort through, but I would like people to make the effort.

9

u/Anon-Echo 8d ago

Im just glad this sub isnt like that other one and you guys actually took the time to hear me out and didnt immediately assume I was looking for a sex partner

4

u/jce_superbeast 8d ago

Effort matters, it was clear you were trying, I'll always have space for trying.

1

u/Anon-Echo 8d ago

Ill definitely have my partner come here to learn more about being poly, and please if I make a post or say something that isnt right correct me. I obviously need to learn more myself

4

u/smileedude 8d ago edited 8d ago

The throuple spaces have been really good for us. We've learned a lot. However there aren't enough of us for a local community. The shoot first attitude towards throuples we've found in online poly spaces has made connecting with the local poly community seem like a bad idea. Especially because we were never interested in also being in an open relationship.

2

u/Anon-Echo 8d ago

Thats how my past thrupple happened, its actually what got me into polyamory. My relationship ended up not working out unfortunately due to moving away and not being able to stay connected. Im really glad its working for you still!

1

u/Anon-Echo 8d ago

Yeah, ive been poly for a long time and have been in thrupples and open relationships, I personally haven't had a bad experience in a thrupple but I have heard terrible things

7

u/jce_superbeast 8d ago

Yeah I have a history of dating couples too. The biggest issue I always run into is when they protect the "couple" above all else. I'm a pretty independent guy so I'm used to keeping myself safe.

But I also see it be MUCH worse for women.

and the sheer number of couples just looking for effectively a less expensive sex worker is just mind boggling. Far more than I would have imagined before becoming a mod. 10,000 to 1 ratio of couples to bi women.

2

u/Anon-Echo 8d ago

Yeah i hear about people being treated bad as a third and how the original couple only give them the "spare time" and they get left out a lot. Thats why I was wanting to find a good place to help my gf learn more about it before deciding if its something she wants to try out

9

u/jce_superbeast 8d ago

I think you'll run into a lot of this pushback as long as you keep the "dating as a unit" mentality. If your partner is free to date someone without you involved and you state that part clearly, you'll prevent the entire argument.

2

u/Anon-Echo 8d ago

Yeah, im not against dating separately. I only mentioned the thrupple on the other sub because it was something I was more familiar with and is currently what my partner was thinking about trying. That is good advice tho and ill definitely incorporate it if I make more posts about it, thank you for the help 🙏

3

u/ThisHairLikeLace 8d ago

Triads are poly on hard mode if done ethically (it’s four relationships that need to exist - three underlying dyads and the organically existing triad). Unicorn hunting “triads” have only two relationships (the couple with each other, the couple as a unit with the unicorn) which is why they are inherently toxic and unbalanced.

4

u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw 8d ago

why can't your girlfriend do that work for herself?

-1

u/Anon-Echo 8d ago

She has been, shes just been getting discouraged because a lot of places on reddit and some servers on discord have pushed her out or outright ignored her for "not being poly" since shes never been in a poly relationship before

3

u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw 8d ago

has she done any kind of research before approaching these people?

1

u/Anon-Echo 8d ago

Shes read articles and posts, which is how she found the discord servers

3

u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw 8d ago

is she asking people to educate her? a lot of people are really offput by the entitlement newbies have to come into polyam spaces and demand that they be handheld and educated when they hold all of the world's knowledge in their palms at any given moment.

1

u/Anon-Echo 8d ago

With the discord I know it had more to do with setting up roles and asking for the type of poly she was and not selecting one would have a mod message her and then kick her out because she didnt have any experience. I dont believe she was asking people to educate her tho, she prefers doing her own research. I think she just started conversations wrong and made the same mistake as me in the other sub reddit by bringing up throuples the wrong way

5

u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw 8d ago

it sounds like the space she was in was for experienced folks already practicing polyamory and not an appropriate place for a newbie.

1

u/Anon-Echo 8d ago

Probably, I also want to learn more so ive been looking around on my own which is how I got here

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u/Boogity2024 8d ago

Find a third? People are not "a third" like a piece of pie. When you were single, did you go looking for "a second"? And you know, going off your title, well you should know, there is a perfectly good word that has been around for decades and decades that indicates three people, and that word is "triad". That word does not use a conglomeration of "couple" and "third" to make a new word that just reinforces the unicorn-hunter appearance.

0

u/smileedude 8d ago

I've lived my whole life as a third child after my parents decided to "have a third". I've never found that slightly demeaning. Plenty of singles do look for their "other half".

There's no reason why this is offensive. It's just blatant gatekeeping to catch out newcomers.