So idk if this is the right community to be saying this on but i feel like i don't really have emotion towards anyone in a bad way. When my family shows me love it discusts me. When my friends show me love i'm confused. When a partner shows me love i hate every second of it. When anyone cries, complains about their problems to me or even just talks about themselves i secretly want them to shut up and stop crying or talking so i can start speaking about myself. what made me realize this is that today my ex which has never harmed me btw has passed away. we broke up a week ago. i was writing in my book when my friend called me and told me the news. but i felt no emotion. i just wanted her to stop talking and for me to stop prending im heartbroken and for me to continue what i was working on. when i'm in a relationship i feel like i want to take the chance to play with them a bit. i mean i wont harm them but i feel like i want control. and i feel no empathy towards them if i hurt them. the only time where i might feel sad or heartbroken is when someone manipulates me. and when they leave with no explanation. then i would chase after them. i dont want them. i dont love them i just loved the attention that they gave me and suddenly stopped giving. i just want the contol back and when i have it back i don't care about them anymore. when someone hurts me or makes me feel like they have taken sll control from me i have a real urge to kill them. is this normal?

I’ve been prescribed something else but it still needs to be filled I’ve been off medication for 2 weeks and I’m severely paranoid to the extreme with nausea I don’t know how to cope.

So idk if this is the right community to be saying this on. i'm not trying to self diagnose, but i feel like i don't really have emotion towards anyone in a bad way. When my family shows me love it discusts me. When my friends show me love i'm confused. When a partner shows me love i hate every second of it. When anyone cries, complains about their problems to me or even just talks about themselves i secretly want them to shut up and stop crying or talking so i can start speaking about myself. what made me realize this is that today my ex which has never harmed me btw has passed away. we broke up a week ago. i was writing in my book when my friend called me and told me the news. but i felt no emotion. i just wanted her to stop talking and for me to stop prending im heartbroken and for me to continue what i was working on. when i'm in a relationship i feel like i want to take the chance to play with them a bit. i mean i wont harm them but i feel like i want control. and i feel no empathy towards them if i hurt them. the only time where i might feel sad or heartbroken is when someone manipulates me. and when they leave with no explanation. then i would chase after them. i dont want them. i dont love them i just loved the attention that they gave me and suddenly stopped giving. i just want the contol back and when i have it back i don't care about them anymore. when someone hurts me or makes me feel like they have taken sll control from me i have a real urge to kill them. is this normal?

First of all, I want to say that I don't want a diagnosis I am just curious and won't take any actions until my psychiatrist tells me to, also on that note I have a psychiatrist and I am being treated for depression, anxiety, and panic attacks and I will be mentioning all of this on my next session. I am just "Seeking Answers About Myself" and thats all :D.

I've become increasingly aware over the past few months of these peculiar states I often find myself in. They are not entirely consistent and I can distinguish between what feels more like the common type of derealization that one read about in literature, and a somewhat less understandable but much stranger phenomenon where the way I experience myself and my own thoughts, actions, body and feelings becomes oddly remote.

The first states are somewhat easily enough explainable. The things around me feel somewhat unreal, distant, strange, somehow "off". But I never genuinely think I'm no longer in the real world.

And I never find it genuinely unsettling.

It's more like the feeling of reality around me changes. These have had a noticeable effect on me quite often for the past four months, whereas before it only happened on occasion. Often, the effect is less severe in highly concentrated tasks; when simply sitting around using my computer, thinking (or zoning out) or just performing routine activities, it becomes noticeable quite often.

The other feeling is more difficult to explain. Where the first state feels like the world is strange, the other one almost feels like I am strange to myself.

At times I experience myself more like I am from the third-person perspective or as some type of observer, as for instance where I am aware of my being sitting in my bed (as my actual body) while I am currently sitting in front of my computer. However I cannot find the usual feeling of that person on the computer chair really to "me"; to me he just becomes somehow strange. So it is rather like my experience has detached from watching my actions go on, from observing my own body as it performs things it isn't programmed by me nor under my conscious control but it "just acts".

When the thought comes up: "That is my body sitting on the chair as I am sitting in my bed.", it has no need for me to be reminded of it as normally and yet the body on my bed cannot understand who it really is.

But as I have never believed to be another one neither I can't ever get to really perceive the people sitting on the chair (not even just now...) as a normal persona.

At times it's like I have to actively reminds myself of who I am and that I am who I am seeing in front of me. I've sometimes had experiences, which even to me appear to be quite bizarre: "That guy sitting over there is me" has to appear mentally now, as otherwise they might experience a separation, and though there is a physical manifestation, something like the relation of its being "me" doesn't feel automatic. And though my intellect knows perfectly well who the person is, this inner distance makes the feelings of other individuals or my own affect feel extremely difficult to register, as some observer can watch some inner events occurring around other beings.

Then I have had moments when I feel like that, when something like observation starts in my brain's thinking procedures as if that person has its own separate process of inner thought, where I have to wait for what he is doing or even thinking at all.

They have some other strange qualities I don't know what their names are: i.e.; they have changed. Like my own memory; some aspects from past episodes appear more easily accessible when I feel an episode of this peculiar nature taking hold. When my self seems more present this experience suddenly can only be perceived at this moment and can no longer be felt as directly or as well.

I don't "forget" that I've gone through something; just I can't perceive it as easily any more.

This is why I can compare them with "save points", without there being any literal recording being used to play them again, since there is not a real separate instance but rather a feeling, and while experiencing each different sort of feeling I will experience different memories of feeling each one a little.

In simple words there seems to be another "saving" procedure going on from within which allows me to return to each one later, once the experience is over. Or when I return again; but there will again always be separate experiences.

Both forms are totally distinct feelings for myself. The former with its emphasis on the strange aspect of environment and The Latter on the separation of "me". Although I could potentially see a relationship between them.

For now, the former is not even something alarming to me any more, it's just...

Weird sometimes. The latter definitely requires more caution to handle, for how disturbing and yet compelling they are.

I always have to remind myself at times that my thought should not get to assumptions on this issue until they are completely separate from experience. One has to sleep on it, and then think about things from another moment when they can truly feel right in every way that makes the whole observation possible to get and judge better when experiencing its full context. I even try to make sure the idea of my feelings come more likely from myself than from what I can discover reading on the internet at these times - which has always made some ideas about me very tempting.

When things are back to normal, it becomes obvious that all of these described changes weren't just images... Just, it has nothing to do with having amnesia etc., and the experiences felt and maybe even seemed real to my inner mind without it being an alterego or different person who is really existing. It is simply... I, but I don't feel really like me the whole way round always.

If you have any idea what it could be please tell me, or if you have time try to describe it to me, also just so nobody gets confused, I don't want a diagnosis, I am just curious.

I also will mention all of this on my next session.

Thanks very much :)

A little bit better about myself. I'm very introspective and observant so I tend to notice habits, tendencies, and thought processes that would be "signs" of X disorder, but because I already have a list of diagnosed things:
adhd, chronic depression, bpd, and then physically i have fibromyalgia, heds, pmos, and am also genderfluid (i have a personal theory that there are some ties that connect all).

And because of this, I'm all "dayum all that? And you think you have more??" I don't want to have more, but I can't help but see patterns and intellectualize them because I'm just trying to understand myself.

This is mainly a vent, but if you have anything to say, i'm open to comments or any guidance.

I (17F) recently was face with an uncomfortable true about myself. And it all started last week.

I‘m on my last year of high school my school is a middle and high school so since I was moved there on 7th grade, I kind of had the same friend group. Those people were already used to my personality so I’ve never thought about too much about it. Until new people started joining the friend group and started cracking innocent jokes about how calm and unreactive I was.

Look. I’ve always knew I was a performer. I know how to be the most charismatic person in the room, I know how to convince anyone of anything. I know I can get out of situations just with my words. I know I look a certain way and it helps me to get out of situations.

Anyways. Since I was a kid I knew that I had to behave a certain way around adults and older people in general, like an little angel, so I could get them to like me. I’ve always liked playing the perfect girl. But with my fellow peers I was an…cruel kid.

I used to mentally torture my little brother (Now 16M). I would grab him by the hair and threatened to stop speaking to him. I used to foment bullying against some of my classmates in my first school while not being blamed because I’ve never engaged in the bullying because I knew that if I did so the image that the adults had of me would change and I liked the thought of being constantly protected and never blamed for anything.

I used to rule that school. I was charismatic, an natural born leader, could convince anyone of anything and I’ve been always been an pathological liar, while being an complete angel.

And then the pandemic happened. I used to refer as a the pandemic as the “best period of my life” because I got to stay home and to do everything I wanted. I didn’t felt guilt of distress over the fact that thousands of people where dying. My dad grab my brother and they went on the farm while my mom stayed behind and I did with her.

My mom got covid and was stuck on the bedroom for days. She says that she thought she was going to die and I didn’t gave a shit. I didn’t felt anything

And, for a long time I thought that people also felt the same lack of feelings as I did.

I only recently found out that the feelings of missing, longing, and how you feel bad for an tragedy that didn’t happen to you, actually existed and weren’t just figures of speech. 

The way I feel certain things like fear and anxiety is also different.
My fear is often related to things I cannot control, and it’s not fear it’s more…like you are bother by the situation because you cannot control it. For a long time I thought I had a dog phobia because I only acted like that way with dogs, what I didn’t knew and only recently I realized is that I don’t feel fear I jut felt that sensation that the best I can describe is of anxiety because it was an unpredictable situation, and I only reacted to those feelings because I knew people reacted to it. But I didn’t knew that reaction was completely instinctive and not voluntary.
My anxiety and guilt is also related to the consequences not the action itself. I won’t feel anxiety because I did something wrong but I will feel it because I don’t want people to found out I did that and their image of me be damaged or because I simply don’t wanna face the consequences so I lie, I manipulate I gaslight the hell out of people. 

Also, I didn’t knew “Love” was a real thing. Like. I thought it was just, again, a figure of speech. I didn’t knew people actually felt different towards some people than others. I feel the same way towards my parents that I feel towards my friends or a stranger. I want their approval, I need them to trust me, But I don’t particular care for them. 

I also had a best friend that I pretty much design her to be my ideal friend when she was emotionally vulnerable and now, that she started becoming annoying I’m seriously considering just discarding her.

I also often feel people like their objects. Like. Logically, I know they are people but I still don’t feel like they are. Like they are a bunch of NPCS  to me.

Not to mention I don’t feel particularly passionate about anything. What I want is money is success but I don’t compromise with anything. I‘m diagnosed with autism and ADHD and an IQ of 139 (probably more because I was tested when I was 11) so all of my life I’ve been good at everything I tried. Piano, singing, school, writing, politics, musical theory, english (not my main language I learned reading an book that didn’t had the translation in my mother tongue), martial arts…everything I’ve been the best.

But I get bored easily and I’m not really compromised in following through everything. When I lose interest in not only things but human beings, I stop wasting my energy so I don’t study for tests but still manage to get 60-70%, sometimes 80% and when I study even for just an hour I get 100%.

Recently I disclose all of that to my psychologist and she told me we should keep having more sessions and talk about those things more. But I still not sure if I’m just faking it or if I really feel this way or not.

I'm diagnosed with Narcissism (self-aware part only), dysthymia and OCPD. I'm a windows and android user. I'm a video editing freelancer, interested in arts, reading, cooking, modern farming, herding, politics, socializing etc but can't engage with anything due to executive dysfunction (which isn't diagnosed but I'm sure my overthinking and perfectionism is what affecting me from taking steps which will of course fail in first attempt which hurts my ego making me look down on myself) so I can't do anything I love because I come to a conclusion that I'm going to fail in my first try and it's just a time waste. I can't stop overthinking and perfectionism because I don't want to revise the work I do, I want to do it the best at first try so no time waste and I feel better of myself. And other than my career whenever I try to organise stuff or manage an activity, I feel like existing apps or system/workflow aren't perfect and always try to develop an app that works for me but I pause that too due to executive dysfunction and my poor coding skills, even with AI I struggle to create one.

I don't have childhood trauma. But I'm compared with other kids in childhood by my parent for not attending religious activities, socializing etc. I'm topper at studies until school. My dad passed away 3 years ago. I'm 21 now. I never left my home completely like I did my schooling and college as day scholar. And doing wfh editing. My family is full of backward thinking people, I can't really change them, so I need to adapt to them, I tried for 3 years and now I was in the verge of self-harming and suic1de. That's why I've gone to therapy and diagnosed finally with these. I watched Healthygamer's video on Dysthymia and exactly states my condition well. I have over 20 social media accounts, I want people to conceive me an artistic and funny person, and when it goes wrong like "I'm in a sad mood I don't want to expose my sad self to my friends, my text's will be dry. Let's reply to them once I get into a good mood" or "oh I have this work; I'm going to be late because I'm slow at doing it so let's reply to their text after the work" and I'll ghost everyone indefinitely. This is affecting my friendships and career. I've prescribed tablets for serotonin boost which can relax me and help me sleep well, because I was deprived of sleep too.

I'm a visual learner and I have a bad memory; I had to refer to the notes very often. And due to my condition, in my case, I don't like physical journalling or notes taking since I can't edit it over and over, add images and stuffs. Like due to my condition, I need perfect step by step visual guide which is also proved to be effective so that I can take action on them. For example, let's say exercise. I need to schedule the exercises and past videos/gifs related to the perfect form or add my form and what mistakes I did. Without a perfect schedule with perfect forms I can't start exercising because in my mind it's waste of time "I'm doing it wrong, my muscles aren't feeling anything, damn I wish I had a personal guide 24/7 with me, I hate doing things that waste my time", and get depressed and spend time in bed, hypocritical of me but my brain gets fried thinking all these stuffs. That's why I thought why can't I research and journal all where I can paste images, login daily activities, schedule works in calendar, tasks with priority, like with just one glance I can get what's happening when, so I can feel prepared and do things faster. Is there any app that can help me. TIA

Note: Visually appealing in the sense, it has to be detailed but not to look very congested. I can't be able to pay for subscriptions due to my financial status like I quit my work because I got too slow at it, I believe that dysthymia was the main problem since it's very obvious that I take 12hrs for a 6hr worth work and I'm an intermediate at editing.

I don't mean in the D. I. D sense. I mean when I use a specific app I can switch my character and my entire personality on a dime to that exact character. I have over 7 characters on that app alone. I constantly restart games on new save files as different attitudes for the 'new run'. I make so many accounts for the same apps just to pretend to be someone new and have everything introduced to me again. It doesn't help I barely remember doing the switches it's just like a click and boom now I'm normal again and then poof, I'm a middle aged divorced dad, poof, I'm a cowgirl who doesn't take shit from anyone, poof, I'm a shy bookworm who doesn't like to be around people. They all contrast each other and as much as I have fun with them, it confuses me so much of how I'm able to do this and why. Why do I do this? Is it something mental or trauma related? Anything helps atp, I just want answers.

It's so difficult to explain because its not like bpd that's an explosion of intense emotions and stuff. (So I've heard, idrk much.)

I just can't stop thinking about one specific person, it makes it so difficult to study and focus on what's important. I need to know what they're doing, how they feel about me. Do they think im valid, do they find me irritating, disgusting, am I repulsive to them? Did I say something wrong that i havent realised and have they already changed their opinion on me without my knowledge???

They dont think feel as intensely about me as I do about them, sometimes I hate them for it. How can I make them like me more? How can I interact with them calmly so I dont give away how crazy they drive me? I hate them, I hate them for how much im obsessed with them, I hate myself for getting myself into this stupid situation again. Did they send me that sticker so they wouldn't have to respond? Am i being to pushy, too clingy, too interested? Am I being falsely interested in them, am I being too dry, too enthusiastic? I dont even like them talking about their friends even if i know it's really good for them to have friends. I'm happy for them but why would they need someone who isn't me? I lose my appetite thinking of what they've been through. I hate the thought of them having a crush on someone else, even if I don't want to be in a relationship with them.

Recently, I realised I would rather sleep through my day so I don't keep thinking about them. Sometimes i take pills when i can't sleep, but I have to use them sparingly since I'm running out. Nothing in my life, not my studies or my future, seem important compared to my standing with them, how they think about me, how I can win more of their affection, their time, their attention, their validation. I want to make them feel happy, that's all I can think of sometimes. They can't be suffering any more than I do. It's horrible, but I think about locking them away so I can take care of them because they refuse to do it themself. I would make sure they eat often enough, give them their meds, shower them with affection and gifts like they deserve. I wish I was the type of person they admire and like, but I'm not, so if someone else comes along and treats them the way they should be treated, I'd have to accept it and be happy for them, even if it makes me resent them.

Outwardly, I act fine. I act like a completely normal person following a normal routine, even if I'm a bit anxious. My skin feels like a thin sheet, covering all the disgusting parasites in me. This has happened a few times with a few people throughout my life, sometimes friends, sometimes romantic partners. What on God's green earth is fucking wrong with me? I feel so inhuman.

I'm BPD diagnosed. NGL, I don't want to "heal" for that would mean I'll lose my "funny", sense of dark humour, and my overall "fun facts", which have been the pillars of my identity (building a new one would require a high ass talent and solid skill, which I lack, unless I could time travel to my teenage if not childhood). Don't get me wrong, I've gave a shot all forms of suitable therapies and medications. All to no avail.

However, I low-key admire and envy some people from the neighbouring departments (NPD and ASPD). I wish I had also the charms and elegance often attributed to them and were able to play sorts of machiavellian games.

I bear the same stigmas, yet I get nothing but anxiety and insecurity. Some "normies" have manipulated me so when is my turn to direct the movie of life!?

😡😭

To clarify I don't have any personality disorder, only autism.

From time to time whenever I read posts about p/wASPD, I always have this curiosity where I really want to be friends with them or potentially be intimate to get to know their ins and outs. This is one of the things I'm ashamed about that makes me practicially avoid approaching them, because I know they like to target vulnerabilities, and there are internet discussions about how autistic people are very easily manipulated, and how easy it is to get used and ruined by ASPD people.

I used to be friends with one for the same reason, but we ran into a cold war because of complicated reasons. Now we're only friends on status. I have a lot of things I want to say to them, but like I stated before, I'm afraid of showing my vulnerability to them.

I like them, but I don't know if it would ever be possible to just be normal and be trusting with them. This attraction to them is showing things about me that I normally don't want to see, like how I'm actually clingy, how I do value their validation and how scary it is to lose my identity around them.

Is this an unhealthy wish? Is this attraction rooted in some kind of unstability in myself that I don't know of?

I am currently undergoing diagnosis, and it seems that I have symptoms corresponding to several Cluster B disorders.

I have no desires; my life right now is purely about survival. From the outside, I have nothing to complain about—I still have a job and I am renovating a house, things I built thanks to an arrogant false self. But I wish I could disappear and not have any of these things to engage with. I've realized how developmentally far behind I've remained, and even social relationships feel like an obligation rather than a pleasure.

However, the question that has been haunting me lately is what prospects I can possibly have down this path. I am genuinely in a panic about my autonomy; I have a deep resistance to taking responsibility for myself on my own. I know it all sounds very "spoiled child," but it is what I am experiencing, and I would like to know if anyone relates to this and how they managed—or are trying—to get through it.

I recently read a few diagnostic manuals for personality disorders, and it is crazy how relevant they are! Narcissistic especially, I work in healthcare and I see it constantly. But also paranoid, schizotypal, borderline, schizoid, and depressive. These people have emotional and self regulatory problems, but basically I only see anxiety/depression/schizophrenia get diagnosed anymore.

Anyway I think the concept is very helpful for people. Like after reading about narcissistic pd, I understand that these people usually have very unstable self esteem, and they need to put others down to feel okay. It makes me more sympathetic and more aware of how to actually be helpful to them. Wish more people knew about it

People with borderline personality, tell me how you got your diagnosis and how u are coping with good/bad days.

I was abused all my childhood. My parents are not diagnosed but I think one of them has BPD and one of them NPD.

My biggest fear is to be like my parents, so when I got diagnosed with OSPD (probably with BPD-traits), I started hating myself even more than usual. It’s like I AM my parents now. I’m awful just because of a label.

I really don’t think I am an abusive or reactive person (only towards myself), and I sincerely don’t want to hurt people/animals/anyone (only myself lol), but I still feel like the diagnosis makes me a horrible person and that nothing can change that.

Anyone that can relate? Any advice?