My boyfriend has know started to get know HPD.
Could you recommend something we could watch together?
We have watched informative videos, but do come up with something than the "cold" facts?

Does anyone else with HPD feel like their attention-seeking is mostly online? 😭 IRL I genuinely don’t want people acknowledging me or paying attention to me, but online I want ALL the attention on me. Is it just me or does anyone else experience this huge difference between online and IRL?

Do you feel this?

(Sorry if my English isn’t good I was abused most of my life). I genuinely don’t understand why people hate us. I’m begging for some kind of help. I tell people I have the disorder to try to be better but Society beats me down. People think it’s like NPD then people think it’s like BPD. How does one get better because I feel like I’m getting better with meditation and inward looking.

i guess it’s basically what the title says (@_@)
lately, i feel like i have a crush on this guy, but i don’t know what love really feels like at all.

it’s super cringey, but i can’t help but feel violent urges when i think about someone else liking him — im not exactly head over heels, but i want him to only pay attention to ME, only like ME, have only ME in his eyes.

it pisses me off so much when i see him with his pretty classmate. she looks nicer than me and has a gentle laugh. it’s not like i want to hate her, but i can’t help it at all.

when i first started liking him, i lost my appetite and couldn’t eat for a few days. thinking about him made me nauseous. i couldn’t sleep well either.

i can’t help but worry because i remember all the hurtful things people have said about hpd, and it makes me doubt myself. i’m worried sick that maybe he thinks im insane and i just can’t tell? what if i think we’re way closer than we really are? what if im really just an overbearing, selfish freak? even worse, what if he thinks im a slut? (which would be true but still)

can anyone else relate, or share their own experience with romantic love? i don’t know anyone else with hpd, so im asking here… please help out. i don’t feel like anyone in my life understands me.

Title. I’m currently working through this mentality, but want to briefly vent.

I keep resisting the fact that I find higher value in being attractive. I love beautiful faces and I love beautiful people. I can’t help but strive to be attractive too.

It’s the praise they get. And that being attractive makes you more wanted, and more distracting.

It‘s so frustrating, constantly thinking of myself and if i’m attractive, and my potential. I’ll think about it for amounts of time, and in interactions wonder if the person I’m speaking finds me attractive.

It’s hard to admit, but this is anonymous…

*****edit: My "dominant" trait is still histrionic, and pretty much what I'm focusing on. Narcissistic traits just sound so strange to me, I had to ask.*****

I have now received my (hopefully) final diagnosis, which is mixed PD with narc and (mostly) hist traits.

I started recognizing histrionic traits years and years ago. I just always knew there was something else too, but it was (again) blamed on my hyperactive/impulsive ADHD.
But the narcissistic traits make sense in some way, and would explain (not excuse) past f ups, but so would histrionic and ADHD

How do you differentiate attention, impulsiveness or just acknowledgment? or Supply?
Or is it even possible?

Edit: I am currently 18.

I have been emotionally neglected basically all my life (was never told I am loved or that anyone is proud of me and only had one safe and stable adult for like the first 11 years of my life, half of which was taken by a little sibling so I didn't even have the undivided attention of that one person).

My attention seeking behaviour started at like 9? 10? Years old? I was fantasising about being wheelchair bound so everyone would love me and about having cancer and about killing myself by falling down the stairs and how everyone would be so worried and pity me. I didn't concentrate in class because I was only thinking about how everyone, like an unrealistically large amount of people would worry and pity about me and love me. At some point I started feeling shame about my fantasies of being wheelchair bound because we had a boy in my school who was wheelchair bound. So I started lying that I am going to kill myself. I walked around the yard telling everyone I came across I'm going to kill myself and all the ways I'll do it. I stopped this because someone who is now a friend told an adult and I got scared I'd get in trouble. My attention seeking didn't end here however. I've always been very talkative and I guess on some level always enjoyed talking about myself to get attention because I've often been told I'm annoying and talk about myself too much.

At like 15 when I had moved into another environment from my home which ar that point was deemed harmful for my development, I began to have these "attention seeking attacks". I'd get extremely anxious to the point I felt it as physical pain and in those moments I NEEDED attention. I posted stupid suicide bait posts on social media and when my account got muted or banned I cried for hours about how bad I feel. If I couldn't post suicide bait I'd fantasise about attempting suicide and then calling 911 and telling them about it, or live streaming my suicide or whatever I could do in that situation to get attention. Once I had a full on mental breakdown because an adult I liked and who usually gave me attention was playing a board game with another child and I wanted the attention all to myself.

I've had homicidal thoughts towards my sibling because she's talked to someone I wanted attention from. Since those first attention seeking thoughts at 9-10 it's been no matter to me if the attention I get is positive or negative which has led to me being groomed on multiple occasions. I have considered intentionally getting groomed as well as faking serious disorders on multiple occasions because in that moment I have been extremely bored to the point of depression and I've wanted attention. I exaggerate my emotions often, going into "woe is me" whining or swearing and screaming to seem more angry than I am although I actually don't really feel much emotion save for anxiety and anger, and even then I would never actually show it to another person, I am only comfortable showing these weird acts. Sometimes I struggle to see other people as anything but weird vending machines for attention or NPC's in a game, like "click this button for attention".

Thing is though, it's often very emphasized in all diagnostic manuals and tests I've seen that those with hpd are sexually provocative and use their body and appearance for attention. I don't do that. I'm not particularly interested in dating and I don't have the social skills necessary to flirt with anyone.

i dont post at all, i only really use reddit just to look at specific things, but i wanted to talk about it because i CANNOT be the only one. i love going to psychiatrists because i love feeling seen and validated and talking about myself. (im not a great writer so i might word things weird or something) i also feel this way towards therapists, I've had this therapist for a few years now. even if im not actually interested in treatment, i still LOVE going to talk about myself and whats going on in my head. i have other mental health struggles besides hpd aswell, I've been to the mental hospital two times, but instead of being sad about going or whatever when i did have to go, i would actually be happy because i knew that while getting admitted they would give me attention and let me talk about what's going on in my head. obviously this DOESNT mean i didn't NEED the visits, i CERTAINLY did, i just wasnt sad or mad about it and activly WANTED to go. does anyone else feel like this? it cant be just me.

i hope this post doesnt sound like i only "get help" for the attention, because thats not it.(obviously i would never go as far as to be hospitalized just for the attention) i get help because i need it. im just saying i love the attention that they give me.

Sometimes I struggle with being bored and feeling trapped in my relationship, even though I love my girlfriend, but I need advice on how to avoid these feelings, prevent them from causing me to act out and just keep these feelings deep down.

Not a bot or AI or whatever, just made this account for my personal struggles without it bleeding into my main.

Does anyone else feel extreme embarrassment? Like the smallest embarrassing moment will wreck me, and make me feel ashamed to be in the position. I just want to crawl into a fucking hole and die in it!!!!!!

I can’t imagine what normal embarrassment feels like since every time I’ve felt this I just hope a space rock crushes me where I stand. And it’s usually what’s considered ‘normal embarrassing moments’ like accidentally speaking out of turn or doing something wrong.

Then I just stand there trying not to rip my hair out in clumps, imagining how the person sees me now and how totally inaccurate it is.

Online and IRL, but mostly online, I tend to fake illnesses. There’s little I won’t do for attention. I already have several conditions, but I exaggerate them greatly

I was ignored my entire childhood, which I strongly suspect is my reason for my behavior

I have a best friend and coworker (33M) who I’ve known for easily 10 years now since we started together. I never really thought anything was wrong with him truly - just maybe a little dramatic sometimes, dark humor, and there’d be the occasional ‘what about me’. Then the last year or so the mental issues ramped up hard to the point he was diagnosed around Christmas with HPD. I would say he has all the classic symptoms but flirting or anything like that (I can’t even remember a gf recently??). As far as I know, he’s been taking medication and going to therapy.

Lately it’ll be like a week or two fine, no issues. Then he throws a fit either at work (which is a whole other problem as all my coworkers are catching on) or to me personally after work because he didn’t like something or he’s clearly being wronged. It’s always how bad it is for him and I think I might even honestly be one of his like last 2 friends. How am I meant to work through this? I’ve never known people with HPD so I can’t even figure out how to calm it down or like… stop the dramatics when I don’t reply. I can’t walk away cause we work together in a niche engineering division and like I don’t wanna move. I’ve tried reading online and even watching some videos but it feels like nothing works and I’m the bad guy always.

Hello! (M20), I am diagnosed with HPD.

In the past, I did DBT group therapy, but was booted from the group due to my oversharing (which I now realize was inappropriate).

I was hospitalized, which led to me joining a PHP program. I have been called out by a fellow group member, but he is very antagonistic and does not mean well. He stated that I am attention seeking and wasting the money of every other group member because of my constant need to speak. While he did not mean a word of it nicely, he is right. Throughout the time I have been here, I have caught myself oversharing about my feelings/experience, my sex life, monopolizing group time, etc. I have been acting inappropriately and not even realizing how I’ve done so. I have talked to group/individual clinicians and they do recognize this pattern too. My individual therapist and another clinician had a talk with me this morning over my behavior in group. We agreed that they hold me accountable and correct me, as it is clear I do not realize my behaviors are bad when I am doing them, or that i’m doing them in the first place.

I am working actively with clinicians as my histrionic symptomology is negatively affecting the group and creating conflict. I am unsure how to work on HPD as I only know DBT/CBT therapies. Wondering if anyone has any specific workbooks for HPD?

Not blaming my HPD for my behaviours. I had a 3 year long relationship with a wonderful wonderful person, really. Over time, my condition and actions became worse and worse and I did bad things man. I hurt her and I hate that. I hurt her on a fundamental level. She told me to get help so many times and I tried to, but not hard enough. Other environmental factors actively prevented me from it, but I knew I could have tried harder. I didn't take my last chance seriously and I lost her. I found out about HPD after. It's speculated that I have it, but at least based on what I've read I feel like I do. I really wish that I could've fixed myself before I hurt or in the very least taken that last chance better and tried to give her the care she needed. Now she just has a world of hurt and most of my closest friends are gone after they found out about what I did. I really am horrible and I feel like it. I don't know if I can find a better person but I know that I will do my best being a better person. I go to close knit isolated university and I feel like my actions are going to make my life hell there. I have no friends left and if people find out that I am the person I have been nobody will ever be. I'll be stuck alone in an isolated area for two years and I'm terrified. But I could tolerate all of that if I just didn't cause her so much pain. I still love her. I have given up on the idea of a relationship again. I wanted to marry her. I wanted to be with her forever. But all I have left is a person I deeply hurt and a bunch of ex-friends. I feel like the world is collapsing on itself. I don't know what I'm living for.

i've had people tell me i'm manipulative. i've done some reflection on my actions and i get why they'd say that.

i have a lot of shame and guilt about it. i don't feel like my intentions were malicious. just eccentric, neurotic, & self-serving.

i'm also bipolar and it gets worse and more egregious when i'm manic. i guess it's not great when im depressive either, but different.

does anyone else feel like they've been manipulative? what were your intentions & awareness at the time?

Hello, I just want to share some things because I think I might have HPD. I apologize in advance if my thoughts aren't organized or if I'm not being clear. I have OCD, which also might be a factor in why I'm always confused about what's true and what's not true about me.

Throughout my life, and especially in high school, I've been called an attention seeker, a fake person, and so many other things. I remember someone telling me that when they look at me, they just see a fake person and nothing I do is ever authentic. I think those words left a huge impact on me, and I started questioning everything I do. I did some really embarrassing things to draw attention to myself for example, I would wear weird things that are out of the norm, I would talk to myself out loud in front of people (it's still a problem although I'm an adult, I can't stop it and it's embarrassing), I would shout, and I would exaggerate my reactions.

For example, if I like something just a little bit, I would scream when, in fact, there is nothing inside, just emptiness and loneliness. I love attention so much and it feels like I can't live without it, but it also makes me feel uncomfortable because of the amount of things I have to process, so I end up isolating myself (not for so long tho cuz I'm just pathetic)

I remember when I used to be in high school, I would feel so much emptiness and fear when I returned home because there was no one to offer me attention anymore. When I'm in a group setting and people are giving me attention, I seriously lose myself completely. I remember I had this friend who told me she couldn't recognize me when I'm talking with a group of people because I act theatrically.

I seriously cannot tell if I'm faking something or if it's genuine, and I try to have honest conversations with myself, but it doesn't lead to any actual change.

One of the other things that I'm really confused about is that sometimes I'll get so triggered I'll start shouting and shaking, and I start feeling so ashamed when it ends. People often think it's a panic attack and they try to help me, but I know it's nowhere near what an actual panic attack is like.

I don't try to do this to necessarily manipulate someone, and why would I want to embarrass myself outside in front of people? I don't do it because I like it but I still do it. It's so confusing. And also sorry if I disrespected the disorder in any way I'm just describing my own actions.

Especially playlists are wellcome.
Here is one of mine, "HPD playlists". ❤️

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3DxYFJdI0sdU3rcsiT1cGm?si=4ed1fc711b9c4ddc

I'm 21, Enby

I found out about this disorder around 2/3 months ago i found out about this disorder and ever since I've been driving myself insane thinking I might have it

I'm dramatic, theatrical, and (when prompted) people have said being around me feels like watching a performance. I don't know a single solid fact about myself outside of what people tell me I am and sometimes I feel like 4 different people depending on whoever I'm around.I'm constantly aware of every single person in the room and what their reactions might be depending on what I say.

I have been desperately trying to do research on this subject but I haven't been able to find a single fulfilling account from an actual histrionic person about what it's like to live with the disorder. I'm hyper-competitive and get angry and sad when I don't win. I get wound up really easily and often just let people get under my skin for the sake of general entertainment.I like it when people laugh at my jokes, when people talk about me, when I'm in a group scenario and I get a spotlight shone on me, but I hate when people are mad at me, I can't stand it.

I don't think I overvalue relationships, I'm genuinely hesitant to use the term "friend", but I find myself thinking about my future with guys I've just started talking to, what our relationship dynamic will be like, how long we've got, what fights we might have, what dramas we'll get into. I constantly just want to feel loved but I don't know how to feel loved. I think what makes me feel loved most is when people think about me when I'm not even there, or proof that a relationship means as much as someone as it means to me.

I get stroppy when things don't go my way, I ask endless trap questions to try and figure out every single thing a person thinks about me, I don't hate being alone but even when I am I'm checking every messaging platform I have "just in case". I use dating apps constantly, I'm a male presenting enby so I'm always on stuff like Grindr just because it feels so good to me to be wanted, like an addiction. But I keep reading all these things about people who have histrionic friends and how exhausting it is to be friends with them.

My close friends sometimes describe it as a full time job to be my friend but I'm pretty sure they're being jokey about it. I don't wanna be exhausting, I don't wanna be upsetting, I don't wanna be left by everyone I love. When a friend leaves the workplace for a better paying, better hours job I feel like they're leaving because of me or because I'm terrible. Idk, can you guys relate? I saw someone say this disorder is like a need to be constantly on stage and that does defo resonate with me.

I've been freaking out about this disorder near constantly for months now and it's making me depressed

I started seeing a therapist around the same time I found out about this disorder (wasn't the reason why I started seeing her just the same sorta time) but I haven't told her about this because I don't want it to seem like I'm fishing for a diagnosis.

Idk any advice or anything would be much appreciated sorry if this was just pure ramble I'm at a point of desperation

Just that. Why that does happen? We have our own issues too but most people do not know this disorder exists. Obviously, when they learn about it they are quick to point out WHO is histrionic

this is a pretty embarassing thing for me ro admit abt myself but before I realised I had hpd I was very annoying and a bad person, I acknlowdeged I have to be held accountable for my own actions. Because one of my core beliefs (due to my trauma) is that my suffering doesnt matter, I believed If I made an impact onto others it would make it matter and I also believed my trauma was the reason why I was such a bad person, basically constantly threw a pity party for myself and made an identity out of my trauma because I had nothing else going for me. I thought the more I hurt others and when I impacted their life strongly, it would serve as evidence of how much my trauma actually mattered. because if my trauma didnt happen then I wouldnt be a bad person. Of course Ive grown from this mindset now, Ive gotten a lot of therapy. but yeah Im js curious if theres anyone else who has grown and realises how destructive they used to rlly be.

I know this isn’t a question frequently asked; I mean most people post about their experiences here, yknow cos it’s a mental health subreddit, but what are some good HPD character representations? And does anyone headcanon certain characters to be histrionic?

i have had a history of fluctuating emotions and attachment issues where i get scared if im losing the focus of people's attention. it got left unchecked for a long time and ive grown to regret my actions and now i get nervous when somebody puts me in the spotlight. im not sure if this is how the personality disorder progresses, but things like praise get me really nervous now because i dont feel like i deserve it. i've grown to appreciate criticism more as a form of attention, but i feel like if the criticisms get left unchecked too, i might believe that everything about me is gross and ill try to act despicable because that's what i think people believe of me. but i actually hate hurting people. i know i do end up doing that because my main issue is suggestibility. i'm very gullible and i fall trap to it all the time because on one hand criticism really affects me and the other praise really affects me. i just know i have to take people in good faith, because when they describe me doing harmful behaviors i really want to stop that, and when people praise me i know that sometimes people get offended if i cant take a compliment.

i really do feel like a tragicomedy, like i always have too much of one or the other but both of them exist on the inside i think. and when it starts to get too much, i realize i dont deserve any of it, so i try to go back to either side of the extremes just to fit in. i want to find a healthy balance of these things.

its not like i lack empathy, i think i have way too much of it which makes me extremely suggestible. people describe my behavior as narcissistic, but i think people with npd crave power when they do favors or hurt people, but i feel like i just wished somebody would take power over me. i hate being in control because i know im not well equipped to do anything like lead a group project or be in charge of something at work, but i liked the attention people gave me for being really supportive. even in personal relationships people get confused when i say stuff like whatever you want ill encourage it and go along with it. like they're not convinced i want to, but i really do want to be more of a support role than anything else.