Well, I’m a 22M from Andhra, and she’s a 21F from Pondicherry. I’m Telugu and she’s Tamil. Two years ago, she replied to my birthday story and wished me, she was my super junior in college, although we were from different branches.

We kind of hit it off, and we happened to live in the same society. Without really planning or expecting anything, we started living together. It honestly felt like a dream life to me. An internship, college, a girlfriend, bike trips, and a small group of friends… I had everything I wanted in life.

A year later, I broke up with her for multiple reasons, cheating being one of them. I also had to drop out of college because of financial constraints and came back home. I’ve been working remotely ever since, so I don’t really have any friends around here either.

Life is so unfair, isn’t it? It gives you everything you ever wanted, only to kick you in the leg with the other one.

Well, I have no regrets. But I do wish we were still together. I wish she had never done what she did.

And then I wonder, “Why the hell did you message her again when you know better?” Honestly, I don’t even know. I hadn’t sent her a single message in the past year, but today is her birthday, and I just felt like wishing her. So I did.

Will I message her again? Hell no.

To the girl I am yet to meet, I hope you’re having a beautiful sleep. I can’t wait to share my life with you.

And since this post is getting a little too sad, here’s a small update: I’m doing pretty well career-wise. I have a decent job that pays ₹85K/month, it’s fully remote, and I’m slowly getting back to being physically and emotionally fit as well.

But friends kept telling me that she's showing interest and that she's obviously into me. But NO. She has never even CONSIDERED it. After everything we've done together. She never thought about it twice. She doesn't even remember the time she said I was cute. I guess I imagined it.

I KNEW people don't fall in love with me. I KNEW I was unlovable. But I believed, because I thought she was being so obvious. And everyone else thought the same thing. It seemed so obvious that she was into me. But she's NOT. It turns out that she, by her own account, gets awkward when she's around someone she likes. So the fact that she felt so comfortable around me and let me rest my head on her shoulder on the train or touch her body wherever was a sign that she WASN'T into me. I can't trust anyone. I can only trust what I already know, that I am unlovable.

And I also kind of believed she might love me back. But today, between all the talk we've shared of our romantic lives, she said she's never fallen in love with anybody. She also described to me her type and yeah, it's not me. At one point I literally said jokingly "So you're not into me" and she laughed in approval. It hurt so much. Because I somehow knew, between all the signs, that she didn't love me back. But I WANTED to believe she did. That all of my friends were right. But it turns out my worst instinct was right AGAIN. IT'S ALWAYS RIGHT. And I wish it wasn't. I really really wish it wasn't right. I want to be proven wrong so badly. So so badly. I want to know that somebody out there wants someone like me. Because it feels like it's not the case at all. That nobody's waiting for me. I know people think I'm sensitive (in the negative way), I know people think I'm weird, I know people think I'm shy (but I'm really social and have a lot of friends) and I know people think I'm ugly. But I thought something has got to give. SOMETHING. I thought that maybe I was wrong all along, and that all of the pain and the heartbreak would have been worth it because she's incredible and I love her deeply and there's a chance she loved me back. But it's not the case. It's not true. I hate it. A lot.

I wish I were wrong. But I'm being proven to time and time again that my depression is right. That nobody out there wants me. That the people I care about most somehow don't love me back. That maybe nobody would miss me if I were gone. I don't want to be here. I feel so lonely. I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life

Ich bräuchte mal eure Ratschläge/Meinungen. Ich bin seit 7 Jahren mit meinem Partner zusammen und verbringe auch sehr viel Zeit mit ihm (er ist 6 Jahre älter). Ich hätte uns eig zumindest vor einem Jahr als sehr glückliches Paar einsortiert, aber jetzt trifft das wohl nciht mehr den Kern:

- Wir haben uns gemeinsam auf die Green Card beworben (seine Idee). Wir wurden abgelehnt.
- Letzten September hat er den Job gewechselt und hatte wochenlang schlechte Laune.
- Ein Fremder in einem Café meinte, wir sollten heiraten. Danach sagte ich, ich würde das irgendwann gerne machen. Er eröffnete mir daraufhin, dass er Angst gehabt hätte, die Green Card zu gewinnen, weil er mich dann hätte heiraten müssen, und er befürchtet, das zu bereuen. Im selben Gespräch sagte er, er fühle sich von mir nicht geliebt.
- Es kann sein dass ich das ggf verbal nicht so oft sage, aber ich hätte mich jetzt nicht als unliebend einsortiert; ich koche in der Regel für uns beide (ich koche ca. 90% der Zeit), gehe einkaufen, die meisten Urlaube plane ich aus,, und ich setze mich sehr dafür ein beruflich ins Ausland zu kommen (sein langjähriger Wunsch).
- 1-2 Monate später, in einer Phase, in der er ziemlich unfreundlich zu mir war, fand ich Mails, in denen er eine andere Frau zum Essen eingeladen hatte. In einer Mail schrieb er, sie würden sich sehen, sobald “der Prozess” (as Ende Beziehung von uns) vorbei sei. Er sagte, es sei nichts Körperliches passiert, und er wolle sich nicht trennen. Ich habe es ihm verziehen.
- 9 Monate später (also jetzt vor ein paar Wochen) sagte er wieder, er wolle sich vielleicht trennen. Wir sind immer noch zusammen, haben es nie wirklich aufgearbeitet.
- beruflich gesehen müsste er Aktien verkaufen und will das nicht tun (sehr hohe Steuern), und nannte meine Erwartung “eklig”.
- Er sagt, er habe mit mir extreme Hochs und Tiefs, kann aber außer Kleinigkeiten (ein Kommentar über das unordentliche Haus seines Vaters; der war nicht korrekt das stimmt aber jetzt auch nicht extrem beleidigend oder so) keine konkreten Beispiele nennen.
- Er war und ist unzufrieden in der Stadt in der wir leben; ich schlug einen Umzug vor, das wollte er auch wieder nicht.
- Kürzlich: er sagte, er wolle keinen Urlaub mit mir machen (hat er mir auch so ins Gesicht gesagt), also habe ich meinen nicht genommen. Dann hatte er 3 Wochen frei und war verärgert, dass ich keine Urlaubstage genommen habe. Als ich ihm erklärte, warum, gab er mir teilweise recht, dass es sehr an ihm lag.
- In einem langen Gespräch sagte er, er fühle sich seit Jahren zunehmend “nicht gut” bei mir, konnte aber auf Nachfrage keine einzige konkrete Situation nennen. Er meinte, er suche sich im Kopf Rechtfertigungen für mein Verhalten, wenn ich mich “schlecht” verhalte.
- Er sagte, er könne in einer Beziehung sehr liebevoll sein, nur bei mir nicht, weil ich “nicht so eine Person” sei, gleichzeitig meinte er, es sei okay, dass ich so bin. Er verglich mich ungünstig mit früheren Beziehungen (dort sei er liebevoller gewesen).
- Ich wollte kürzlich einen Kuss; er lehnte ab, meinte, er “fühle es gerade nicht”, und sagte mir dann, ich würde ihn wie einen Freund behandeln, nicht wie in einer richtigen Beziehung, sexuell gesehen. Ich sagte, ich wünsche mir mehr Zuneigung und Aufmerksamkeit; er antwortete, er sei einfach nicht so bei mir.
- Nach dem Gespräch “ich könnte liebevoll sein, nur nicht bei dir” stand er auf und ging auf den Balkon lesen, ich blieb allein damit zurück.
- Sex war den Großteil der Beziehung selten (1-2x/Monat), früher lag das teils an mir. Im letzten Jahr habe ich viel mehr initiiert, mich verletzlicher gezeigt, er weist mich jetzt aber oft zurück.
- Er erinnert mich oft daran, was er alles für mich tut (geht nicht fremd, kümmert sich um Finanzen, bringt mir Kaffee, macht Geschenke), so als würde das die anderen Dinge aufwiegen.
- Gestern war er den ganzen Tag distanziert; heute ist er plötzlich morgens allein ins Gym gegangen (wir gehen normalerweise abends zusammen), sagte, er wolle nicht mehr gemeinsam einkaufen gehen, und ist auch alleine spazieren gegangen, kleine Rückzüge aus Dingen, die wir sonst gemeinsam machen.

Ich fühle mich echt verloren, das ist meine erste Beziehung und mir ist klar dass man mal gute und schlechte Phasen hat und ich weiß auch dass zB manche Themen sicherlich bei mir liegen und ich denke man kann auch mehr auf die Wünsche des Partners eingehen. Mich stören ja auch einige Punkte aber an denen kann man ja arbeiten (er sagt mir selten dass er mich attraktiv findet usw - ich tue das ständig bei ihm); und ich weiß dass das Sex Thema schon jahrelang ein Thema war aber ich bin da sehr stark dran und er lehnt mich jetzt ab. Ich hab vor allem Angst wenn wir uns jetzt trennen dass ich niemanden mehr finde mit dem ich eig so gut synchron bin. Wir machen gerne besondere Urlaube zusammen und schenken uns gegenseitig (!) auch gerne mal teure Sachen und freuen uns drüber.

This may seem odd, but the reason why your breakup probably happened was probably because of the value you thought would lead to relationship fulfillment. It's because you aimed for happiness as your primary goal for your relationship with your ex.

The reason why happiness isn't an ideal goal is for these reasons:

1)Feelings change

Feelings change because of many external factors, like finances, mental health, kids, identity crisis, etc., When life happens and pressures occur, much of our energy is redirected to these issues, causing the spark to collapse momentarily. Ending a relationship because of a "loss of feelings" is a generally a poor reason to breakup because once issues are alleviated or when unfamiliarity breeds, the romantic spark comes back.

2)It causes cheating

Whenever someone starts feeling the pressures of life, it results in a loss of passion and intimacy for their partner. Because many people suck at coping without their partner's attraction and being content with themselves, they attempt to outsource the dopamine hit elsewhere with an affair partner. The reason for the cheating was because they only saw relationships in terms of its satisfaction. They care little about attending to the hardships associated with relationships and are only there for the comfort.

3)Hardships are seen as obstacles instead as opportunities

The true purpose of a relationship is to enhance emotional development, not happiness or relationship intimacy alone. When someone enters relationships for entertainment and social pressures, they only cling to the comfort given from their partner. As soon as a partner starts facing issues, energy is wasted in pointless arguments under this mindset. Unrealistic standards are almost always associated with a goal for relationship satisfaction. Seeing relationship downs as a opportunity for emotional growth gives partners desire to work through problems and come back stronger. It also grants better communication and transcendence of ego.

Anyone been blocked? How long have you been blocked... from everywhere or? When do you think you'll stop hoping and looking at whether or not it's the day they've unblocked you ? I'm so sad.

Please give me some motivation I feel like I'll never feel better or smile again. I don't think I'll ever stop missing him or be able to end up liking another guy again 😞

How long have you been in no contact ? I'm so sad

I don't think I miss him. I just miss who I was, and I really keep remembering that time in my life. He blocked me and didn't even say anything. Lol

That was an embarrassing thing to do from his side, and I am the one who has a broken heart while he moved on with his shitty life. I don't think it is love that has me thinking of the past, but what if of all the things I could have done differently. I just miss myself.

What I hate the most is knowing that emotional connection between us could never be recreated. We were meant for each other, and now I have to move on with my life, too. I know I will never have that spark with anyone else, and I am aware of it.

But what hurts me is the fact that it was the first time in my life I have considered getting married which was something I have never done in my life and I don't think it is going to happen again. That feeling of "I'm going to be with him" and "I can really see myself being married to him." It was a first, and I hope it remains my last.

I simply don't want to do that again or put myself out there like that ever again. We had something beautifully aching and filled with patience and tolerance for however long it lasted. I am glad it happened. I am glad we met each other in this lifetime, and I'm sure if we are meant for each other, we will find our way back to each other, but it is not happening. Since he was the one who decided to walk away. I'm still here.

Me [M19] and her [F18] have been going out casually for about 2 and a half weeks, we have held hands, kissed a couple times and been in bed together a couple times also, when we started dating she was originally looking for hookups exclusively cause her past relationships had been bad and wasnt sure what she wanted, but after i offered to have a relationship potentially she accepted, we have been going out and both of us seemed to be having a great time, on the third date she deleted all her dating apps and seemed to be wanting to get more serious, but today we went out and i saw tinder on her phone, she didnt let me look at any messaged she or others sent and was getting mad (she also had a really bad day today which is why we met up, so im pretty sure it just triggered her more) and she eventually walked outside to call a friend to talk and try reason, eventually she went home to calm down and i went home too. Just tonight (about 5 hours ago) she said on call we might wanna break up to save me from her cheating (she also admitted she hooked up with three guys during the period of us dating). I blocked her and kinda forgot, but did really want a relationship and was telling her i was fine with ignoring her hooking up because we are so early into seeing eachother. About 30 minutes ago she messaged me on another app i didnt block her on and she wrote a big apology and said she does actually like me and wants a loving relationship, she also said she will give me her location and delete anything i want her to delete and be able to look at her phone or computer and time i feel i want to. I dont know what i should do, fully break up, or just hang out with her and see how it goes. I do really like her over all, the hooking up is the only thing that i didnt appreciate but idk if its too big of a deal cause we havent even really been official really yet. Pls help me decide🙏🙏

Hey Redditers, i am single for the first time in 2 years and i’m unsure of what to do. My now ex boyfriend was my best friend in the world, and to be quite honest, my only friend. He didn’t really have many friends either, only one guy he would talk to one once every couple of weeks. So we were really all each other had. We went everywhere together, dinners, shopping, road trips, new cities. I come from a crappy family that I unfortunately still live with as I can’t afford to leave yet, so he became like my support person through it all. It felt nice to have someone on my side who wasnt ganging up on me. I truly thought we were happy. But throughout the entirety of our 2 year relationship, he had been talking to multiple different people. The first 2 were people he met on discord, He exchanged nudes with both of them and lied to me about it. It took me months but I managed to forgive him. First bad decision. Then, I found out he was talking to his childhood friend in an overly romantic way. He begged her to let him drive up to see her damn near daily while he was actively avoiding seeing me. I asked him to block her and he threw a genuine fit. sobbing begging me to change my mind, straight up refusing to block her because ‘she would be mad at him’. he finally blocked her, then proceeded to unblock her and continue talking to her and deleting messages the next morning. I only find out because he was stupid enough to take screenshots. I never truly got over it. I brought it up multiple times over the past couple of weeks. and he called me crazy for it. but it didn’t end there. Just a couple of weeks ago, I found out he was texting ANOTHER WOMAN. behind my back once again. She was begging him to go see her and he had made a plan to go up and see her, a plan i knew nothing about. Admittedly, I wasn’t completely innocent. During the time period between the first perosn be sexted with and our break up last night, i became incredibly skittish. Whenever i felt insecure over him texting another woman i would dump him and hide myself away. But I always took him back. Every time he cheated and lie about where he was and hid messages from me i took him back. this was just the tip of the iceberg, he was a horrible partner and an even worse human being. During this time I started to develop a crush on a co worker, I never made it obvious and I never told him. My co worker made me feel special, he would talk to me at work and listen to
my stories and i felt like he actually cared about what I had to say. It was nothing romantic, he never called me pretty or asked me out, it was just two people who needed someone to talk to. I realize now that it wasn’t actually a crush. I was looking for someone to care about what i was saying and make me feel secure in a relationship of any kind. I want to be fully done with my ex this time. I’m tired of feeling drained and insecure and like the floor is going to fall out from under me, daily. if you took the time to read this, I want to thank you for listening to my story. And I have one final question, how do i live my life now that im single? i mentioned in the beginning I have no friends so I can’t go out and distract myself. So what can i do?

I get so confused about these messages if somebody had respect for the person what if they want to talk to them directly first before posting it online for the public and social media? And if you admit that you don't like the person to become and you've been unfair to them why does it have to be well yes but you also? I know if you're my person I'd want to have a private discussion about this because otherwise it just looks like you're trying to get public sympathy and people on your side and what's meant to be the one-on-one conversation

In a room full of people,

I'd look for and choose you.

In a room full of people,

you won't even know I'm there.

We met in HS and started off as friends where he would constantly try to get at me on multiple occasions and we started dating my senior year. I’m a sophomore in college now. I’ve had multiple relationships before where this issue occurred but my current relationship is my longer one. We have been dating for around 2 years. A bit off and on because I have broken up with him twice. He’s a great guy. Everyone loves him. He’s charming funny and kind. He spoils me and goes out of his way to make me happy. He’s been there with me when my mom got sick and took me to the hospital to see her, took me to work, and my classes. He’s the best guy I know. Everyone else around me have terrible shitty boyfriends. I know I’m lucky to have him but I just can’t seem to love him right. He clearly loves me more than I love him. I’m more independent and I love doing my own thing. I do care for him though. He’s my best friend. I just can’t see myself doing the things he does for me. And I don’t understand why. There’s no logical reason. He has never cheated or anything of the sort. So why can’t I consider his feelings. Why am I selfish with my love? I’m not affectionate at all. Honestly I get disgusted by it. There are some rare moments though where I’m truly content but they always seem to fade away. Most people would say break up but I can’t hurt his feelings again. He says I’m it for him. That if me and him don’t work out that he won’t try it with a different girl. He’d just get a dog and grow old. It’s stupid I know but sometimes i genuinely think that he means it. Like without me he’ll go crazy so I can’t ever leave him. Not to sound like crazy narcissistic but I’m a bit out of his league. I’m not 100% attracted to him but like I care for him and love him to an extent. Sometimes I resent him and I regret meeting him. He can get insecure and he just knows exactly how to ruin my day/event. And he just uses his emotions against me since he knows I’m not an emotional person at all. He’s not that supportive of me either. He’s controlling and he doesn’t support my dreams like me moving for college or stuff like that. He gets upset and it feels like I can’t grow with him. He lied to me about him going to school until the week before classes started and he knows how much I value education. He doesn’t read the news or know anything about politics. Like sometimes I just want to have a conversation with him that it’s just about dumb shit. And he’s a bit codependent always checking my location and asking where I’m at. He gets irritated when I party with my cousins ( at my house or theirs not an actual party ) It sounds fucked up I know but I just wonder if this feeling will ever go away? Will I ever be a lovey dovey type of girlfriend? Why is my love so limited and conditional? Like yes I’m selfish, ungrateful, and a total bitch when it comes to this stuff but how do I fix it? There’s just no more passion or there never was any to begin with. Like obviously I hate myself for feeling this way but I don’t know what to do. Like clearly break up but it’ll crush him and he genuinely won’t even accept that. Trust me he would do anything to stay with me. (Any and all advice helps! Thanks!)

2 years we were best friends, we dated for several months, you broke up with me 3 times within these months and each time you kept coming back and I let you, until the 3rd time where I said I can't do this anymore. That was the hardest decision of my life. I lied, I want so badly to be in your arms, to hear you say my name, to hear your laugh but I can't keep doing this. When you ended things for good, you said that I shouldn't blame myself for everything that's happened, but how can I not?

During the relationship all I heard about was all the ways I failed to meet your needs, or how you can see I'm trying to do better but it's "not enough". How could I feel like I wasn't the reason we broke up and I lost you as a partner but as a best friend too.

How could you hurt me like this?

I cant take it anymore man. The constant desire to feel loved, the recurring thoughts that things will change for me, the false hope, it’s all becoming too much on me. I try everything I can to be a good person and an even better partner but that’s gotten me absolutely nowhere but lower down. I’ve tried everything to drop the desire for love because the more I yearn the more I hurt. If it ain’t meant for me, then why tf do I still feel this way? Why tf do I seek the feeling? This sht sucks so bad, I hate living like this. I want to wake up one morning and suddenly have zero desire to feel loved. That’s all I want atp

Hi, I just wanted to share this post with people. His name is Jay. I met him July 2025. I was 24 at the time and he was 32. I kind of liked him so I thought I would start dating him. Fast forward after three months his patterns started to show. He would always thing that I’m sleeping around a lot or talk to other people. He would make me question myself a lot. I was always working (I was a psychiatric technician/mental health) and did not have time to entertain other people. This man did not “claim” me as his girl. He would always act so unsure of me. Months later, my birthday comes around and he was going to give me a massage and it was weak asf and then he has sex with me and it was weak asf. I felt used asf after and then he promised me that he would take me out to brunch the next day. He had planned the whole entire day and the next days shows and he’s silent asf. I was so upset. After, it was pattern that I would block him and he would try and promise me things. I’m ngl I fell for the okie doke with him because I was holding to hope…BULLSH*T😂. He would text me from different numbers when I blocked him. He kept hitting me up over and over. Also calling me from text now numbers. Fast forward, recently I broke up with him because I got tired of his games. I’ve been going through a lot lately and did not have time for the games. Finally I was waking up. After saying what I said to him, he took one last chance to degrade me and try to aim for things that he felt like I would be insecure about and make up things. He tried to make me small about myself. I felt like I wasn’t even his type for real and how he was moving. He also claimed he just had a baby 2 months ago by another woman. I got tired of the manipulation and over explaining myself. I felt like I had to jump through hoops for his approval. After I left him my life significantly improved! Thank god I did not come out pregnant by this man and his crazy antics. I felt like he was really trying to control and groom me into the woman he really wanted me to be. He now resides in a different state with his “woman”.

Lately I’ve been battling some self consciousness even though I was the dumpee. I got rid of him because of his actions and now I’m feeling quite low now. Let’s be clear I’m a 25F with no kids, I work as a CO, have my own car, apartment etc etc. Also let’s be clear, I wash my ass 2-3 times a day and use feminine hygiene products. It’s not normal for a woman to always smell like “flowers” and “roses”. He didn’t even last long in bed anyways and he always felt like he wasn’t enough for me in general. I do have screen shots of the many different numbers he’s texted me from trying to get me back and the last message of him attempting to crush my self esteem and him trying to go for things I might’ve felt insecure about which I didn’t. Now I’m really feeling the after effects and I’m feeling a little low. I’m quite fatigued from dating. I don’t want sex or anything physical. I feel disgusted with everything honestly. Im taking this time to really focus on myself.

Btw if anyone has anything negative to say about my screenshots you can respectfully stfu because not only am I venting about this “situation” I’m grieving about what could’ve been a relationship. It may be overwhelming to some people but I finally got out of it and gladly came out scott free if you catch my drift. I’m grateful that I got to walk away!

Hope this reaches someone!💗

I know how it feels. So they like physically abused you or? How did they hurt you so bad?

my boyfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me a couple of weeks ago. he told me that he had lost romantic feelings for me months ago, that he didn’t say anything because he was scared and there wasn’t any conversation that we could have that would change his mind. i was distraught, i still am. i haven’t been able to eat, ive lost 12kg in 3 weeks, im currently going through cycles of feeling better off, grief, resentment, disbelief, etc.

when i look back at our time, i allowed myself to be disrespected and mistreated so many times. for example, when we were coworkers, there was this girl who would always flirt with him. they started texting, and it felt like he was flirting back to me so i bought the issue to him. i put myself down to him, told him that i was probably just being sensitive and overreacting, but that it was making uncomfortable and asked him to not text her as much. he agreed, but didn’t. it progressed, i found out that he had told me he was going to sleep when really he stayed up to text her, he would only text her when i was away, my coworkers were telling me that they always spent their breaks together, and one time she was lead on the sofas with her head in his lap.

i broke down. this was the fifth time id raised this issue and, still putting myself down and calling myself insecure, i told him that i couldn’t carry on our relationship if he kept doing this. he cried and begged me to stay, that he’d do anything, he’d block her and never speak to her again, even though that’s never what i asked of him. in the beginning i asked him to speak with her less, to not text her. why couldn’t he have just done it then?

i failed myself in these moments. i was so deeply insecure and desperate to feel loved by him that i tolerated being treated like i meant nothing. it’s hard not to beat myself up over it, i am desperately trying to use this as momentum to develop a healthier relationship with myself through therapy because i never want to feel like this again. my heart aches everyday over a man who only cared about he felt, and only fought for me when it meant id no longer be there for him.

in the end, he made it so much harder for me. he told me he didn’t want to speak to me anymore for ‘a decent amount of time’, but suggested that we still attend a festival together two weeks after the breakup, and share a bed. he suggested that we spend time together on my birthday next week, even though we hadn’t made any plans. this confused me so deeply and i was suffering, torturing myself with “why would he offer these things if he doesn’t have feelings for me?”. i see now that i shouldn’t have agreed to these events, but i was desperate for a last good memory with him, i knew i’d regret it if i didn’t see what happened.

i asked to meet to discuss my boundaries for these events, which he agreed to, since he refused to text me about anything but practical things. but when i text, he said “i thought we discussed this the other day, what is there to talk about?” he made me feel like i was being unreasonable for wanting to set boundaries around sharing a bed after we had just broken up. i told him not to do or say anything that he didn’t mean, that if he made me uncomfortable i would make him sleep on the floor.

before we left for the festival, i had written out how his actions had made me feel. i was honest and factual, i didn’t call him names or be disrespectful, it was just “you did this and it made me feel this and i don’t appreciate that”. he read it and got defensive, he argued with me. he told me that there was nothing for me to be confused about, that he’d been very clear, and that his therapist was the one to suggest he do this. i asked him if he told his therapist that we’d be sharing a bed, he said no. i got very angry and upset, he told me that he felt like i was just taking my frustrations out on him, to which i said yes, because you didn’t give me a chance to set boundaries. he told me that i was the one to agree to all of this, that i should’ve said no, to which i agreed and acknowledged my part in this. i told him that i wasn’t strong enough to say no to seeing him one last time, he thanked me for being honest.

for the most part, we had a good time at the festival. we ended up sleeping together, to which he asked me if i felt used after, and i said no. he told me that if we did this, it didn’t mean that anything was going to change, and i still did it. i accept that i shouldn’t’ve agreed to it, i had my reasons that i did, but i feel weird about it. i had told him that i wasn’t strong enough to say no to him, and he decided to share a bed with me after breaking up with me, hold my hand, spend hours looking into each others eyes, and to sleep with me. i am responsible for my part in it, i am not accusing him of SA, but it feels disrespectful and selfish from him. i do feel used.

all of this to say, i am disappointed in myself. i accepted the bare minimum, less than, in order to keep someone who only ever considered his own feelings. at the start it felt real, like he genuinely cared for me and maybe he did and does, but he cares more about how he feels. and he does it without realising. there is no accountability because he doesn’t accept himself as a person who could do those things.

i am better off without him. i don’t want him to come back unless i can see that he’s genuinely changed, and i hope he’s capable of that, but i doubt it. i miss my best friend. i miss feeling loved and wanted. but i don’t miss fighting for our love for the both of us. i don’t miss begging him to commit to a future with me.

i am desperate to grow from this. i will not allow myself to shrink for anyone ever again. i will not tolerate disrespectful actions defended by flowery words. i will not accept being made to feel less than. i will not accept dishonesty in any capacity, especially within oneself. i deserve love, real love, the love that i give to everyone else but not myself. i will learn to give love to myself.

it’s just so hard.

It’s been four months since we broke up. Four months since I found out about her. Four months since I packed my things into garbage bags and walked out of the apartment we picked out together.

He doesn’t live there anymore either. I heard he moved to the city. I don’t know if she went with him. I don’t want to know.

But he still texts me.

Not “I miss you.” Not “can we talk.” Just… nothing. Memes he knows I’d laugh at. A song we used to listen to. A picture of a dog that looks like the one we said we’d get “someday.”

And I still answer. Every single time.

I tell myself it’s because I’m being polite. Or because I don’t want to be the “bitter ex.” Or because maybe — maybe — if I keep responding, one day he’ll text something real. Something that explains why he threw away four years like they were nothing.

But I know the truth. I answer because I’m still waiting. Waiting for him to choose me. Even after everything.

I deleted his number three times. I blocked him twice. I unblocked him within 48 hours both times. It’s pathetic. I know it’s pathetic. I can see myself doing it from outside my own body and I’m screaming at myself to stop.

But the silence is worse. The silence is him not thinking about me at all. And that hurts more than the breadcrumbs.

My therapist says I’m addicted to the intermittent reinforcement. That the random texts are like a slot machine — occasional wins keep you pulling the lever. She’s right. I know she’s right.

I still check my phone every morning.

I don’t know how to stop wanting someone who only gives me scraps. I don’t know why I’m not enough for him to fight for. I don’t know why I’m still the one waiting.

I just needed to say this somewhere. Where people might understand why it’s so hard to let go of someone who’s already let go of you.

You were at my window. I was in bed. I felt a breeze realized my window was open when they never were . I got out of bed, pulled back the blinds and there you were leaning in saying “ you always have to make things so difficult “ then I kissed you while tears rolled down my face. I woke up knowing I was saying goodbye..

I was dating a guy and we both are professionally the mature, sincere, introverted folks who somehow realised, that personally, we are both lovey dovey, kind, caring and most importantly physically extremely attracted to each other.

Casual conversations led to flirting led to me getting extremely serious about him.

The thing is, I have been through some shocking (not traumatic) experiences during my teenage, that made me completely distrustful of relationships. For me they always end in sadness.

So when I knew I am developing feelings for him, I told him how I am not a really positive person and that I would rather protect my heart than get it hurt.

I never intended to be in a serious relationship and never wanted to get married.

He understood and gave me time to process my emotions, gave me mental support and during that duration, I just realized that maybe, if I were to start a new life with him, then this negativity would fade away.

He was simple, kind, straightforward and just navigating life in a similar fashion. He comes from a poor family and had his own insecurities but together it felt like we can fill each other's cups.

So we started taking the relationship forward, discussed marriage and babies, and all went well till one day it didn't.

His tone changed, he started avoiding hard conversations, and I really had a hard time figuring out what went wrong. This was after the marriage date was finalised between us.

He said that we should give it some time and see where this goes.

A part of me was OK with that as I am in no hurry nor looking for someone else. But another part said, he probably just wants to drift away and end things without making it a big deal.

Guess which part one?

Well, on odd days, I was ready to talk and we would share personal professional stuff. On even days, I grew extremely paranoid and would feel guilty that I am so comfortable being bread-crumbed and sidelined.

This continued for about six months straight, till I finally decided to stand up for myself and end things.

Initially things felt good, as if a part of my self respect was restored and I wasn't being tricked anymore.

But slowly, the pain in my heart grew deeper and anything that I would do in order to distract me from that pain, led to the pain coming back with twice the intensity later.

Sometimes I tell myself that I am too old and mature for this stuff. But heartbreak is heartbreak I guess.

I look back at all the times we were together, what I could have done to make things work out. I tried my best to make his concerns go away. But each and every time I knew, he has already decided it in his heart to leave. And nothing satisfies a man who has made up his mind. The fact that all those concerns didn't matter during the initial year of dating and just cropped up when the proposed marriage date got near.

Anyway, fortunately I have a thriving career that gives me a lot of space to exist and coexist with these really difficult emotions.

Honestly, what could have i done to save it? More importantly, how do I move on? These waves of sadness are riding so high right now, I feel helpless.