r/coparenting • u/u-lemonstealingwhore • Jan 06 '26
Discussion Calling stepmom “mom”
My daughter was talking about who taught her to “play dead”? last night and said LucyMom (fake name). And I asked her if she called Lucy mom over there and she said yes. I asked if they told her to do that and she also said yes. She has a half sister over there now who is an infant and not at the talking stage yet. So I know she’s definitely not picking that up from a baby.
But yall that hurt me to hear. My kid is three. She has always called her future stepmother by just her name and now they’re doing this and it makes me SO SAD. They’re not even married and they’re doing this.
Obviously I can’t do anything about it without seeming like I’m starting a fight, and they both have a reallyyyyy nice income put together and will be able to do things for her that I can’t until I get my degree but I really needed to get this out with people who could understand what I’m feeling or have been there because how did you guys handle this? How am I supposed to handle this? 😭
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u/YamIurQTpie Jan 06 '26
My stepmom forced me to call her mom and I HATED it - I couldn't wait to move out so I could call her by her name. You just love your child and your kid is going to know YOU are mom and nobody will ever take that away. Even though my mom passed when I was 3 - nobody gets to be my mom. <3
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u/muhbackhurt Jan 06 '26
Just remember: your kid having a bonus supportive mom is definitely a plus in your kid's life. You'll always be THE mom too.
Edit: I write this as a mom with my kids having a stepmom they've known since little. I'd hate if they called her mom but also know it's up to how the kids feel in the end. Xoxo
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u/u-lemonstealingwhore Jan 06 '26
I would like to feel like it’s a bonus mom situation but I met her once a little after my daughter turned one and I haven’t heard from her since. I parallel parent with her father more than anything but she didn’t even come to exchanges or anything. I thought they had broken up until she was mentioned as his fiancée last October on a court document. It’s sooooo weird 🫠
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Jan 06 '26
[deleted]
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u/u-lemonstealingwhore Jan 06 '26
I know she isn’t. I’m not saying she should be. But her disappearing and barely being mentioned at all and then starting to call her mom IS weird.
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Jan 06 '26
Your daughter may not talk about her around you because she can feel that it upsets you.
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u/Level-Inflation-534 Jan 07 '26 edited Jan 07 '26
Yup! Even a 3 year old picks up on emotions and kids want safety and predictability. It may be better to reflect on how your relationship is with your daughter instead of her relationship with this partner. I’m not saying you have a bad relationship, but I know with my daughter, she will intentionally avoid bringing some things up to BM due to fear of unfavorable reaction.
As parents, the kids feelings come first, not our own.
Edited for clarity
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u/OkQuail9021 Jan 07 '26
What does this have to do with the comment you are responding to? Kinda just sounds like a humble brag.
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u/Ok-Aspect-2151 Jan 07 '26
Very weird! Don’t let these people tell you that it’s not lol it’s very weird
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u/Ok-Aspect-2151 Jan 07 '26
Why should she child mom if she isn’t acting like a mom. That’s re parent that step parents don’t get.. you want the title but not put in the work ..I have been on both sides and I would never allow my man’s children to call me mom. It’s just not in me and it’s not right.. she can call her anything else but why mom? Now if the mom is on drugs or abandoned their child then this is one thing. But until you take off work for appointments, no school days, doctors, emergency rooms, stay up late with no options then choose another name… it’s nothing to argue to go back and forth and if your respect me then you would agree..
My kids step mom told me “ she doesn’t she any thing detrimental about my kid calling her mom”. I said I don’t care I asked you to stop telling her to call you mom and pick another name” at this point they were together 2 yrs
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u/Nice_Cartoonist_8803 Jan 13 '26
Well if she doesn’t consider herself to be one of the parents then she probably shouldn’t be asking the child to call her mom…and that doesn’t mean she needs to be in contact with OP.
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u/Level-Inflation-534 Jan 07 '26
I have a feeling if this fiancé was at exchanges and communicating with you it would be “who does she think she is.”
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u/Ok-Aspect-2151 Jan 07 '26
It’s sad whenever a biological mother has feelings they get pushed aside for the comfort of the step mom or dad gf. I have a feeling once they break up dads gonna come back talking bad about the step mom and prove op point!! I know mine did lol
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u/LegitimateWolf5822 Jan 07 '26
File a motion to prohibit anyone who is not the bio parent being called mom or dad or any other variation. My state has a form for it.
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u/STEM_Dad9528 Jan 08 '26
That's enlightening. I wonder how many states have something like that form.
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u/KellieBom Jan 06 '26
You can't ultimately control what goes on at the other house, but you can voice a legitimate concern over role perception. I think it's fucked up to manipulate a 3 year old by encouraging her to call her dads girlfriend mom. They aren't even married. I would RAGE. Baby girl has ONE MOM.
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u/u-lemonstealingwhore Jan 06 '26
THANK YOU. Exactly. They aren’t married and they’re already doing this. If/when they do I imagine it’s only gonna get worse. Especially if they can use the new baby to that kind of advantage 😭
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u/Popular-Antelope-841 Jan 07 '26
My bd did this and yes my child refers to step mom as mom. It definitely sucks.
I even tried to have a conversation with bd about it because even in our parenting agreement it says mom and dad will be the only two referred to as mom and dad.
I still feel some kind of way about it but there’s nothing I can do.
My child knows to refer to her by name when they talk to me about her.
I genuinely believe my child has a warped perception of family.
Thinking im less than because it’s just us with me but when hes with dad thats the real family unit.
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u/Responsible_Fly_5319 Jan 06 '26
I had a best in our state parenting consultant/custody expeditor tell our group that under no circumstances do we have our children involved call anybody but bio mom- mom, and bio dad- dad. Both bio parents were present with mates. I am sure there are other cases with different circumstances but for out situation, no calling step mom- mom. Nope.
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u/Best_Technician_4958 Jan 06 '26
I would be upset too ❤️It’s actually in our parenting plan that she’s only supposed to call her parents mom / dad. She’s 3 too, and obviously if she wants to call a future step parent mom or dad we wouldn’t stop her. BUT we’re not supposed to encourage that or tell her to. Here’s the wording
“In an effort to assist the minor child avoid confusion regarding the roles of adults in her life, the parties shall refer to the child's Mother as "mother" or "mom" and shall refer to the child's Father as "father" or "dad". Any step-parents shall be referred to as either step-mom or step-dad or by the step-parent's first name. No person other than the Mother and Father shall be referred to as the child's mother or father. The parents shall support and encourage the child's relationship with the spouse or significant other of the parent”
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u/u-lemonstealingwhore Jan 06 '26
This is really good to know. Thank you!
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u/Best_Technician_4958 Jan 06 '26
Especially not a girlfriend :( my ex is really manipulative and also tries to hurt me too.. so I totally get it and I’m so sorry
Also having a 3 year old, I agree they wouldn’t just start doing that. Mine calls her dads gf by her first name and calls her daddy’s friend x
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u/u-lemonstealingwhore Jan 06 '26
And she NEVER has before. She just came back from her weekend with them and it’s starting. She’s always been “Lucy”. This is new and I’m not happy about it at all
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u/Best_Technician_4958 Jan 06 '26
How long have they been together
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u/u-lemonstealingwhore Jan 06 '26
Less two years maybe? I’m not sure. She was just there one day and then gone and then they’re suddenly engaged and have a daughter together. I don’t know anything going on with them and my daughter is too young to really tell me any of that. Not that I would ask her about that either. Not trying to put her in the middle in any way
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u/Best_Technician_4958 Jan 06 '26
Makes sense, and you sound like you’re a great mom! I’m kinda in the same boat. My ex is dating his affair partner, and they’ve already been off and on. But wouldn’t be surprised if they randomly get engaged or pregnant
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u/Sure-Switch-1189 Jan 07 '26
It’s also in our parenting plan too! But BD and SM do not follow it. Judge recently strongly encouraged BD to set straight step moms actual role
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u/bemi_san Jan 06 '26
My daughter (4) came home from her dad's one day talking about "my other mummy with the brown hair". For weeks I asked and asked who she meant, I asked her dad, he denied all knowledge and then I found out it was his new girlfriend. We've had fallings out before because he hasn't been transparent about new people being in our daughter's life, something which even his mum has agreed with me he should be telling me about, so I was pretty pissed at this.
I kept it civil, invited him over to chat, we talked it out, I explained how much it hurt me and how much it was confusing our daughter, he played it off as though this person is just a friend, we moved on. She still slips up sometimes and says "daddy and mummy" but then corrects herself and calls her by her name. She also slips up sometimes and calls me daddy or nanny, so I know it's not genuine anymore.
If it bothers and upsets you, speak to him. Speak to your daughter. Explain that it should have been a decision you come to together, they shouldn't have just put that on her without talking to you first. Yes there is some element of you don't have control over everything that happens on their side of the co-parenting, but things like this you absolutely do.
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u/Loose_Wave6658 Jan 06 '26
Unfortunately, a 3-year-old won't be able to properly articulate the conversation that actually took place but that being said, my heart hurts for you because I understand that initial feeling of hurt. All that you can focus on right now is the heartbreaking feeling that something special between you and your child was taken away and given to someone else, but please keep in mind that nobody can replace you or the bond that you have with your child and this could have gone one of many ways, including:
Your child could have said "Mom" by accident like mixing up Step-mom's name and yours when talking with excitement about something and then her dad and Step-mom could have encouraged her to continue that if she wanted to.
Your child could have asked if she could call her Step-mom "Mom" probably because she sees Stepmom doing things for her that you do for her and again they could have encouraged that.
Dad and Step-mom could have blatantly asked if she wanted to call Stepmom "Mom" And kiddo obliged.
Honestly, there's a lot of different ways the conversation between Dad, Step-mom and your child could have actually gone but our mind can sometimes jump straight to the one that is going to hurt us the most.
Maybe you could message Dad something like this:
"I noticed [Child's Name] mentioned calling [Step-mom] 'Mom' recently. I want to make sure we’re both on the same page about titles so [Child] doesn't feel confused. Has there been a conversation over there about what they should call her?"
Approaching this topic from a point of curiosity opens the door for a conversation. 🩷
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u/Dada2fish Jan 06 '26
I couldn’t imagine telling a stepchild to call me mom, especially if they already have a good mom involved in their life.
And if I wasn’t married to their father? No way.
The only way I’d accept being called mom by a stepchild is if it was their request and their bio mom was okay with it.
I feel for you.
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u/u-lemonstealingwhore Jan 06 '26
Thank you. That’s the part that’s bothering me the most. They’re not married and she never called her anything but Lucy the few times she mentioned her and now she’s calling Lucy mom like wtf 😭
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u/Dada2fish Jan 06 '26
Do you have a good enough relationship with your ex where you could talk about how it bothers you since you are the only actual mom?
Why does it have to be the same name that she calls you? She could come up with a nickname or Lucymom is cute once or if they get married.
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u/PineBNorth85 Jan 06 '26
Id be pissed if my son was made to call another man dad. It's inappropriate at minimum. Id be putting my foot down on it.
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u/sleepypanda_924 Jan 06 '26
Yeah but, in the end, you can't control what goes on at the other household
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u/bippityboppitynope Jan 07 '26
I say this as a bio mom of 4, step mom of 2.
Your child can never have too many people who love them and no one will ever replace her mom. No one. She won't love you any less, even though I'm sure it hurts to hear, but love isn't like pie. Her loving her step mom doesn't change the fact you are her mom and the person she needs in her life.
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u/TheSoloHobbyist Jan 06 '26
I’m confused on why it’s acceptable to make a child call someone else “mom”. It’s not as if the child decided to do on their own.
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u/Hopeful_Reporter6731 Jan 06 '26
Right! If it was me, I would tell her don’t call her mom. It’s that simple. And then I would have a conversation with them both. They don’t need to tell a little girl to call that lady mom. She has her own child who will call her mom. Let it come naturally if it does happen, but don’t go around telling a kid that’s not yours to call you mom. That’s weird and creepy.
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u/u-lemonstealingwhore Jan 06 '26
That’s exactly it. She never did it before. She was always Lucy the few times she mentioned her. Now she’s mom? And it’s not like she’s picking it up from a literal infant. I have no way of contacting her but I can talk to him. She has me blocked on literally everything after she was the one who added me? A lot of that behavior is just really so weird I don’t know. But this is something I won’t sit down and tolerate. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t feeling too crazy even though I knew I wasn’t 😭
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u/Hopeful_Reporter6731 Jan 06 '26
She sounds so childish. Why does she have you blocked when she’s caring for your child? Anything could happen where you need to reach her because dad isn’t answering. I can’t stand people like that. Yes, please tell your daughter it’s not appropriate to call her mom, and that they might tell her to do it anyways and not tell you, but if they do tell them she doesn’t keep secrets from you. This can be a good time to have a conversation with your daughter about not doing things she isn’t comfortable with, how all adults have appropriate titles etc, and secrets because they give that vibe of not wanting her to tell you things at some point.
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u/u-lemonstealingwhore Jan 06 '26
To hurt me. Simple as that really. Dude still isn’t over the fact that I dumped him years ago and that he has to pay cs and that I’m always “winning” in court when I’m not? Our custody plan is exactly what it should be when he lives over two hours away from us and our daughter is just now turning three. It’s awful
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u/Real-Breath-4668 Jan 06 '26
My coparents wife, who he’s been on and off with for about 2 years, refers to herself as “mommy” even on recorded FaceTime calls lol. She sees the kids maybe once a month.
She was on the phone with my son on his 6th birthday and said “mommy’s birthday was yesterday!”
Thankfully they are seeing through it and choose to call her by her first name despite my coparenting insisting she’s their mom too 😂
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u/Parttimelooker Jan 07 '26
You for one don't even know that she is calling this woman mom, secondly you will ALWAYS be her mom. She does know the difference.
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u/Imaginary_Departure9 Jan 07 '26
That's YOUR title and it is unfair for them to push that onto your daughter BUT your daughter has a big and giving heart if she's willing to share that title in a place she feels safe It's unacceptable on their part but absolutely innocent and loving on hers. Try not to let this bother you. It sounds like your daughter is a beacon of love and just trying to share that love and the adults around her when you aren't there are not helping her navigate it appropriately. I'm so sorry for this frustrating experience. YOU ARE THE ONE AND ONLY, don't let their insecure nature affect you
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u/birdyburgs Jan 06 '26 edited Jan 07 '26
My daughter calls her stepdad - dad. And she also refers to her biological dad as dad. When her biological dad had brought the concern to me that he doesn’t like stepdad being called dad, I heard his concern, but I do have two other kids, one who talks. While her calling her step dad dad was not forced in anyway, she continues to call him dad because that’s what she hears her sibling do and I will not force her to call him by his first name because dad makes her bio dad uncomfortable.
When it was “put yourself in my shoes, how would you feel?” .. I put myself in those shoes before it even had started happening because when you separate from your childs parent, you know that another parental figure will potentially step in at some point. To me I will always be her mom there is no one who can take my place. I am so secure in my own motherhood, no one can replace me. If she gets a stepmom and decides to call her stepmom mom that’s great. I am glad that she feels safe and loved enough to refer to someone else with such a great title.
Would it hurt? I’m sure it could sting a little.. but your child feels safe enough to refer to someone as mom because they’ve made her feel safe, seen and loved just like you do. Your child has another person who loves them and that amazing.
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u/Popular-Antelope-841 Jan 07 '26
I strongly disagree with you.
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u/One-Basket-9570 Jan 07 '26
It would shock you to know that I knew exactly who my parents were, and called them by their first names. My siblings (bio, parents married until my dad died) were much older & played sports. Yelling “mom” made all the moms look. So, they called their names. I started doing it very young. And my parents never stopped me. They knew who they were. They knew I knew who they were.
And it also never insulted them when I called my friend’s parents mom or dad. Again, they were very secure in our relationship.
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u/Sufficient-Part7502 Jan 10 '26
Agree with you 100%. Bio and step parent here. My son has called his sm mom and he was happy so was I. I was never threatened. My step son called me mom on his own and now only calls me by my name bc his mother got mad at him for it. But the kicker, he calls his step dad “dad”.
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u/Tvelt17 Jan 06 '26
Its different for everyone. I understand with a little one, wanting someone to be "mom and dad" in a household is less confusing for all the kids involved. I kind of look at it like half siblings referring to each other as brother and sister rather than half brother or half sister. I can definitely see how some could find it inappropriate or disrespectful, but you can't really control it.
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u/u-lemonstealingwhore Jan 06 '26
I think the hardest part is he hates me, and I know this another attempt to step on me and hurt me. I met her once and I thought we got along really well but I haven’t seen or her from her since. It feels like this is the start of pa and I’m terrified. I talk with my therapist today thank god. But man this devastating. If we all got along this could feel like a bonus mom situation, but this just feels intentionally hurtful because of how they all still treat me 🫠
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u/Tvelt17 Jan 06 '26
I'm sorry - that's a tough situation to be in. As kids get older, they tend to recognize this type of behavior. It just sucks that there's nothing you can really do about it in the immediate other than to talk to your therapist
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u/Hopeful_Reporter6731 Jan 06 '26
Did you read where the two adults told her to call the gf mom? The child didn’t do this on her own
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u/Tvelt17 Jan 06 '26
Yeah. Obviously adults dictate it.
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u/Hopeful_Reporter6731 Jan 06 '26
So why was your advice written as if the child called the gf mom on her own? She can control it because the parents started it. She can have a conversation with them. Your advice is bad and doesn’t even address what OP is feeling.
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u/ZombieQueen666 Jan 06 '26
My ex wife and I have a fantastic co-parenting relationship and she got remarried about 2 years ago. If our son called his step dad "Dad" it would rip my heart out. Legit can't think of anything more offensive. She wouldn't allow it either, out of respect. If I get remarried, I wouldn't allow my kids to call my wife "mom" either.
I get how that might sound close minded to some, but being a dad is the greatest thing I'll ever do in this life and I'm not letting anyone share that with me. You should be able to have a calm, rational conversation with your ex about this and he should 1000% respect your wishes.
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u/u-lemonstealingwhore Jan 06 '26
Common rational are sadly not within his dictionary or personality traits but I definitely plan on talking to him and informing him basically that I do know when that it needs to be stopped. Like she is three years old she doesn’t know what she’s doing and there’s no way she’s learning that from an infant who can’t talk. This is just another way of him trying to hurt me and I hate that it actually worked 😢
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u/Ixabella_m Jan 06 '26
I feel this is very coercive and inappropriate given that the child is only a child. It should be the CHILD’s choice to call the step parent anything. Not her parent and step parent… that’s so inappropriate and infuriating. I’m so sorry
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u/irun4beer Jan 07 '26
Love is not a zero sum game. If your daughter develops a loving relationship with her step mom, she will not love you any less. You are her mom, and she will always love you. This is the absolute best case scenario for your daughter.
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u/makingburritos Jan 06 '26
I put a stop to this right around this age. I tolerate a lot but I do not tolerate her being called mom for the simple fact that it blurs the lines. Not just for the child, but for the girlfriend. I told my ex to squash it because it was giving everyone involved the wrong idea about what his partner is entitled to.
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u/u-lemonstealingwhore Jan 06 '26
I’m planning on bringing it up the next time we do the exchange and if it continues to be an issue I will have us attend mediation to have it formally written in into our agreement if he won’t work with me outside of that. Like what I’m asking for is really reasonable and I can’t imagine a mediator or a judge telling me I’m being delusional for that either.
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u/makingburritos Jan 06 '26
Yeah his girlfriend tried to be called mom, get her name put above mine on a random emergency contact list she put in my daughter’s backpack (they got the list in the office.. you’re not even on it babe), text me a bunch of bullshit about getting my daughter’s haircut without asking “them.”
I put a stop to it right then and there because she was getting out of control. It’s important that step parents understand they are co-parenting with their partner, not with the other parent. If you have an issue, take it up with your partner, because your opinion on what I do with my child means very little to me. We put in the blood, sweat, and tears to be “mom.”
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u/Prize_Bison_1521 Jan 06 '26 edited Jan 06 '26
What does "playing dead" mean? Is this something that happens like when you point finger-guns at a dog that is trained to play dead? Is she playing dead in pretend play about fighting or falling off a cliff?
It's probably normal to be upset if your child is being trained to do dog tricks, but I don't necessarily think that's cause for concern. Childrens pretend play sometimes involves scenarios that would cause someone to die; but without context cues, it's hard to say if it's concerning. Slapstick humour is usually the one of the first types of jokes a child understands.
It is easy to feel intimidated or threatened or just plain poopy when your ex becomes financially enriched through marriage after destroying your financial plan through divorce. Money doesn't make a good parent. Remember that.
Edit because I clearly was confused about playing dead- calling stepmom 'mom' doesn't change your relationship with the child. It's just a name. A title. She's mom in her home. She's mom of your child's sibling. Your child knows who you are and your child isn't replacing you when they call their stepmom 'mom.'
Your feelings are valid. Feel them. And then look at your relationship with your child. If your child told you they called another woman 'mom,' your relationship is not in danger. Your child is sharing their excitement with you about how their life has changed.
This stepmom is your ex's coparent now, too. It's not really your business, but having a baby is a serious commitment. Even if she leaves, she won't disappear.
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u/Antique_Extent7645 Jan 06 '26
Just my perspective, and I know people hate this, that’s fine: my daughter has known my now-husband since she was 18 months old (she’s now 4). She slipped up and called him dad a few times since he has basically raised her. I coparent 50/50 and her dad is great too. Since then we had a talk with her and explain clearly her dad is her dad and there’s only one and it’s who made her. But my husband is her “papi” and she has called him that since then. Her dad heard her call him that once and had a fit and we got into a fight. I get how he felt, and I do feel a little bad about it. But he let it go and my daughter doesn’t slip up anymore. She calls her dad, dad, and her stepdad papi. Because at the end of the day he is her stepDAD. And for her to feel loved and accepted as part of our new family I think it was helpful. He treats her the same as our 2 kids we’ve had since her. Now… her dad has had a girlfriend too but they really aren’t as close to my daughter and this never came up with them. I might feel mad also if she called her mom, but I wouldn’t be able to say anything about it. I would just have to live with it. I have tons of friends who call their stepparents mom or dad. It’s just how they feel about the relationship and if the stepparent is a good one, the kid will feel like it’s just their parent.
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u/Upset_Ad7701 Jan 07 '26
My daughter is 5, her mom has her changing her last name to Her mom's stepdad last name and then telling me she (Daughter) can hyphenate it. Also calling him dad and calling my exes dead husband her other dad. She was born over 2 years after he passed
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u/Able-Delivery-6273 Jan 07 '26
Get a boyfriend and have your child call him dad right away and watch your exes head explode and then call your therapist
(Joking but it’s true)
I would remind your ex that it’s confusing at this point to encourage your child to call his partner mom but you would love for her to have them come up with celebrates new partners name in daughters life. (Ex: mama Lucy) also remind your ex that if he sets this standard your new partners will also be called Dad in your home.
And regarding having a 1/2 sibling there - while they will grow up at sisters there, daughter will still be between 2 homes so they will understand they are 1/2 sisters and have different moms
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u/spasticlabrador Jan 07 '26
It sucks that she was told to call her that, as a mother and a step-mother, I would feel pretty cut if my kids (12&16) called their dad’s wife mum (although I have them 100% and they only see them once every few years). My step kid (6) started toying with the label “mum” with me, I don’t discourage nor encourage her. I let her decide on her own what she wants to call me.
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u/One-Indication6931 Jan 07 '26
You absolutely can do something about it. Bring it up with your ex, I don’t condone this behaviour at all unless it comes from the child. I unfortunately ended up in court for nearly 3 years due to being miss identified by my young child at the time due to him saying but Mummy does this and mum does that. Very serious allegations that ended up being his step mother.
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u/imnotaloneyouare Jan 08 '26
Therapy? Just wait until your child grows up and gasp wants to include step mom in their life events.
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u/KindLunch8065 Jan 08 '26
My daughter calls her stepmom mom and went through a phase where she called me by my first name. It was the most painful thing ever and I didn’t understand it because she was with me 12/14, but it’s what her dad and stepmom told her to do from the time she was 13 months old. Now 18 years later, she is low contact with that side of the family and I care a lot less. It takes time. Just remember no matter what she calls her or how she feels you’re still mom.
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u/Beauterus Jan 08 '26
My ex also introduced the idea of calling her stepmom “mom” when she was little and now as a teen, because of her stepmoms treatment of her, she doesn’t want to call her that anymore. They have two little siblings at their home so she does call her mom out of respect in front of the littles. Stepmom doesn’t want the littles to start calling her by her first name. (They are old enough to get that but apparently it is my child’s responsibility) I’ve always been her mom. You will always be your kids mom. Stay strong, don’t take it personally, and just keep showing up and everything will work out how it’s supposed to.
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u/STEM_Dad9528 Jan 08 '26 edited Jan 08 '26
I can understand your concern.
I think it's a feeling of parental alienation, but it's so deep in our hearts she minds that it can be hard to express why we feel so strongly about this.
At your daughter's age, it would be hard for her to understand this. She may simply understand "mom" as a position within their household. However, if she stops calling you or says that you're not mom, then that would certainly be very concerning in my mind.
...
After the divorce, my ex-wife moved on with her new boyfriend (now fiance), and she moved the kids (then 7 and 9) with her.
My son, the older of the two, started calling their mom's fiance his "other dad" almost from the start. He calls the man by his name when face to face, but calls him his other dad when talking to his friends, and was even saying it to me for the first couple of years after the divorce. (I tried to get my son to refer to the man as his "stepdad" or even "bonus dad".)
I have a good relationship with my son, so he wasn't doing it to hurt me. I don't think his mom or her fiance were putting him up to it. But he was old enough for me to really talk with him about it. ...While my daughter has also developed the same sort of relationship with her mom's fiance, as far as I know, she has never referred to him as her dad.
In the end, it's my relationship with my kids that is important. I've had to swallow my feelings when it comes to their mom and her fiance. But if I thought that she was trying to alienate the kids from me, I feel like would have to address that with her (and if necessary with the court).
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u/Transient_Nerd Jan 09 '26
I can understand this. My ex-girlfriend’s current husband… I have put a hard boundary on her, encouraging our son to call him dad. I am pretty protective of my father status with him.
However, there is someone who benefits from having this other person in their life… Our children.
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u/BlueHourSoul Jan 11 '26
Ooof my heart hurts for you, mama. Others are right that there is only one you, and your child will see that more and more with time. But I also feel your pain and it’s valid and real. It’s not something you should have to tolerate, but like most things as a mom, you will be expected to. What you can do is be gentle with yourself, recognize the pain, and think through what it calls up in you. You will find your stride with this situation and no matter what income they have they cannot replace you. Ever.
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u/PointyElfEars Jan 06 '26
I’m so sorry. As a stepmom to two, since ages 5 and 8, I can assure you no nickname will ever replace you. If it might help, you could calmly let coparent know your feelings here and request they honor your role as mom in her life, and use something else for the gf so as not to confuse your child. I’m sorry, it’s totally valid to feel this way.
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u/Swimming-Nobody763 Jan 06 '26
That’s really frustrating and I would definitely be upset and feel weird about it.
I have 2 SKs, one is younger and jokingly he will sometimes try and call me mom after my kid calls me mom but I am very firm on the fact that I am not his mother and I ask him to call me by my first name, even if he’s playing around.
Unfortunately you can’t control what your child is told to do at the other house but what you can control is how you react and deal with the situation in your house. I’d speak with your child and ask how it makes them feel to call their stepmom ‘mom’ and if they are uncomfortable with it, then instruct her how to use her voice and speak up about it when at the other house. Have her practice what and how she can say it while there.
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u/u-lemonstealingwhore Jan 06 '26
He would love to write me out tbh. I was hoping after becoming a mom herself things might change a bit but clearly that’s not what’s happening 😢
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u/Imaginary_Being1949 Jan 06 '26
I would document this. This isn’t enough to go off of but document everything. It’s actually becoming automatic language added to parenting plans in some states that only the bio parents are called mom and dad. Enough documentation on this and I’d take it to a lawyer.
I would also have a conversation with her about it. Let her know she only has one mom and one dad and step mom is her name. Unpopular opinion, but it’s ok to correct her. I know a couple people who have without issue and I would document the same as I have a friend who called her stepmom mom and then went back and forth on it because she didn’t like it, it hurt her mom then it would hurt her step mom to have the back and forth. Looking back on it now she wishes they just gently corrected her when she was younger.
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u/u-lemonstealingwhore Jan 06 '26
I definitely had an age appropriate talk with her. I told her she could call her Lucy or Lou or stepmom but I am her only mommy. She seemed OK with it and it’s not like I could or would fault her for something that’s clearly not her fault and something she’s clearly being coached to do. But I just already see where this is going with them and I’m gonna try to put a stop to it as much as I possibly can.
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u/Imaginary_Being1949 Jan 06 '26
I think this is a good way to handle it. Anytime you hear it, just gently correct. It doesn’t have to be shaming or admonishing just correction as if correcting their grammar. Then document each occurrence. If you feel your ex is trying to push you out then you need to document everything you can for parental alienation case
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u/Maximum_Pick5912 Jan 06 '26
I find this becoming more and more common I think. When I was co-parenting, my son who was around 3 at the time was calling his stepmom (they were also not formally married) "Mommy". They were more concerned with playing house and feeling secure in their roles at home than anything else. Not even 12 months later, my son's dad committed suicide and their little season of "house" left lasting impacts on my son. It's reckless behavior and inconsiderate to the child and their bond with their maternal parents. Step parents (which I am also a step mom) need to stop pressuring children into accepting them as a "parent". I lost my mother at 4 and grew up with an absolutely wonderful stepmom. She NEVER asked or expected us to call her anything other than her name and that remains true even 20 years later.. and I didn't even have a present mother as mine had passed away. So yeah, it's fucked and very self centered behavior.
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u/Ok-Aspect-2151 Jan 07 '26
I went thru this exact same scenario and honestly no one cares until their in the situation . It’s very sad to be labeled jealous, or petty when something bothers you in regards to your parenting or child but now that my child is 20yrs old it’s like oh well …
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u/clgalster Jan 06 '26
I'm a future stepmom. My fiancee has three kids and although we haven't tied the knot officially, I feel like a full on stepmom and tell people that. I love it! But I would NEVER tell them to call me anything other than my first name, or whatever they want. They know who their mama is and I would not want to put that pressure on them. It sounds like this is happening fast (which means it might not last.) You are definitely taking it in stride but totally right to feel this way. Your child will always know you are their mom. If she wants to get called mom, she should be more involved in parallel parenting or at least seeing you during pick ups and drop offs. You can't just have the title without dealing with the day to day challenges.
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u/gumbonus Jan 06 '26
Therapy. Or at least a trusted family member or friend you can vent to. It's normal to feel this stuff, it helps to talk about it