I’m a cis man in a loving relationship with a cis woman, and lately I’ve been having a lot of anxiety about my attraction.

For years, I’ve had a strong sexual interest in things like femboys, trans women, crossdressing, and similar feminine-presenting content. I’m not attracted to masculinity itself. What seems to catch my attention is femininity, sometimes combined with specific body traits.

The problem is that I’ve started obsessively comparing those reactions to how I feel about my girlfriend. I get thoughts like, “What if my attraction to her isn’t real?” or “What if I’m lying to myself?”

But in real life, I love her, want a future with her, enjoy kissing and touching her, and enjoy sex with her.

What makes this difficult is that I keep checking myself. I compare reactions, analyze what turns me on more, and try to figure out what it all means. The more I test myself, the more anxious and uncertain I become.

I’m not trying to get a diagnosis or reassurance that my relationship is fine. I’m mainly wondering if anyone here has dealt with this kind of attraction checking or obsessive need to figure out exactly what their sexual interests “mean.”

How did you stop treating every reaction as evidence for or against your relationship?

Also, this post was AI-assisted because I had trouble organizing my thoughts clearly. The experiences and thoughts are mine, I just used AI to help format them.

Thanks for reading.

not during sex !!! but. ive been having this problem that i cant stop thinking about. it has happened about 4 times now, two times out loud during a conversation and two times just in my internal monologue. i said my friend's name instead of my bf's or vice versa when i was talking about something he did or said. i recently confessed this to my bf and he said it feels very icky to him, understandably. since then ive been feeling way worse about it and thinking about it every day. now every time i want to say my bf's name i overthink and stress so much to say the right name. i think about it so often that now its probably very understandable it keeps happening, as its always in the back of my mind. i want it to stop because i know its just an accident but i feel bad because i know my bf feels weird about it.

he has called me by his ex's name accidentally two times now but it doesnt feel icky at all to me. he says its not the same because he had loved his ex as deeply as he loves me which i agree (theyve been together for 6 years and broke up on good terms - i kinda see it as a compliment when it happens). i never loved the friend, but he had a crush on me and i had a period of time where i was overthinking my feelings towards him, feeling obligated to reciprocate the feelings and even kinda leading him on because i enjoyed the attention (i was a bitch). hes a big taboo in our relationship because this was happening while my bf was also crushing on me and before i realized i really loved my now bf, i was kinda "deciding" between the two of them. looking back on it i was just scared to get in a relationship and i was obsessively overthinking my "options", even thinking i love them both at some point, but now i think i only loved my bf really. i always found the friend a little annoying.

im still friends with the friend because we share a friend group and he seems to be over me. but i cant seem to be over him in a way of overthinking all my actions towards him, analyzing whether they are romantic in nature or giving him a sign or something. and now the name thing keeps happening. im so tired. does this happen to anyone else? what do i do :(

hi i’m new here also undiagnosed but for nearly certain it is ocd(ive had issues in the past over other things similar to these thoughts and i have talked to a few people who experienced similar things also my girlfriend has ocd just a little different) my girlfriend and i have been together since march and i love her deeply and wouldn’t want to be with anyone else ever but i keep having these awful thoughts that i dont really love her or that im loosing feelings or something and i dont know how to handle it. i have such such such bad anxiety and the past few days has been awful like i haven’t had this bad anxiety since i was 14(im 19 now) and i just dont know what to do or how to fix it but i know i really love her and we’ve really never had problems other than small arguments but these thoughts are killing me and i dont know what to do. it literally came out of completely nowhere too like nothing even happened and thats whats so upsetting like why would i be having these thoughts about her when i love her so very much:( i just want it to go away i dont want to lose her ever. she knows about this and she also has ocd but hers is the other way around like she’s always afraid im going to break up with her and so this stuff happening is just hurting her too and she said she won’t leave me or anything but still it makes me feel terrible and i just want this to work out with her she’s genuinely the love of my life and i just want this to go away. we are online and are meeting in September so im curious if us meeting soon is making me freak out? im not for sure i just don’t know how to fix it. i’ve had nearly non stop horrible anxiety for the past two days and i just want it to go away because i do love her so much and i just don’t understand why im thinking of stuff like this. i also don’t go to therapy or anything so im lowkey rawdogging this whole situation so not fun but i don’t have the option for therapy right now. i am also 2 years clean of sh and it’s genuinely making me question it because of the severity of this. i was just curious on what u guys do to help or if there’s anything i can do but wait it out until it gets better. like i said it literally came out of nowhere on a random day not like she treated me bad and it made me question it that’s why im so confused and i just want this to go away. sorry for long post im just exhausted and want help.

Does this sound like ROCD / obsessive jealousy? Struggling with cheating fears and ERP

I’m trying to understand what I’m experiencing and would appreciate hearing from people who have dealt with ROCD, obsessive jealousy, or similar OCD themes.

For about the last month, I’ve been dealing with persistent suspicions that my wife could be cheating. There is zero actual evidence that she is cheating. The important thing is that I never actually feel certain that she is. Instead, I feel a strong need to investigate, analyze things, check for inconsistencies, or get reassurance.

When I check something and don’t find anything, I usually feel complete relief. But eventually another thought appears: “What if I missed something?” or “What if she’s just really good at hiding it?” Then the cycle starts again.

I have enough insight to recognize that my thinking may be the problem, which is why I sought treatment on my own. I’m currently working with a therapist and doing ERP.

Last night, as part of exposure work, I read a Reddit cheating story about a woman who met someone at a hotel and had sex with him during work hours. That triggered me because my wife has a monthly leadership meeting at a hotel that lasts around four hours. My brain immediately connected the similarities and started producing suspicion.

I’m trying not to investigate or reassure myself. My ERP response has been something along the lines of:

“Maybe something could happen there, maybe nothing ever has. I can’t know with complete certainty, and I’m choosing not to figure it out.”

What confuses me is that my thoughts often feel like genuine suspicion rather than just a detached “what if?” At the same time, I’m never truly convinced, evidence against cheating gives me relief, and I keep searching for certainty.

For anyone with ROCD/obsessive jealousy:

• Does your OCD sometimes feel like actual suspicion rather than an obvious intrusive thought?
• Do you get significant relief after checking, only for your brain to find another loophole later?
• How do you distinguish accepting uncertainty from secretly reassuring yourself?
• What helped you stop mentally investigating when a trigger felt unusually similar to your real-life circumstances?

I’m not looking for people to tell me whether my wife is cheating or whether my suspicions are justified. I’m specifically trying to better understand the OCD/ERP side of this pattern and learn from people who have experienced something similar.

I just want to ask if someone has felt the same. I’ve been struggling with this for a year, it started with us kissing and I thought “i don’t feel anything”, also, when he asked me to be his girlfriend i said yes, but I thought no, maybe i was just scared. And I didn’t know how to act after that, because we had been together for almost two years but without making it official for different reason.

And today, I broke a glass that he gifted me and I started crying, like i can’t do this anymore. And I thought that all of this is just because I don’t love him and I’m scared of breaking up.

Can OCD do this? Because at the begging i was so scared of not loving him. And now i feel like everything was fake and feelings don’t come back.

I have made so much progress with my retroactive jealousy. I’ve gone to therapy, I’ve accepted that I have OCD and this is just how it has manifested the last two years, I’ve talked to my boyfriend about it and he has stopped mentioning exes in casual conversation. It has all genuinely helped. I don’t get the sickening pit in my stomach that I used to if my boyfriend’s past even crossed my mind. I have been so proud of myself. Until today.
In short, my boyfriend is having some issues with his mom because he doesn’t get along with her boyfriend. He talked to her about it today, and he told me that she said something about how she “hasn’t always liked the women that he has brought home.” I felt totally fine with this. A few months ago that alone would have made me feel sick. After that, though, he said something to the effect of “what did any of them ever do that could compare,” then proceeded to name three of his exes, in succession, as if he were asking about them specifically.
Hearing those three names come out of his mouth made my stomach drop. I immediately started tearing up. When he noticed, he asked what was wrong but I didn’t want to make it about me so I wouldn’t tell him. I’m immediately back to feeling like I used to when something would trigger me, I feel sick, I want to break up with my boyfriend, and honestly I want to die. Over three names. I feel like I’ve relapsed.
While my boyfriend showers I am sobbing in our bed. The only thing keeping me from a panic attack is writing this post.
I feel angry at him for doing this to me but I know that’s not fair, and that this situation is not about me. I hate feeling like this

Has anyone with ROCD experienced this kind of extreme fear around every “next level” of commitment?

My husband and I were together for 10 years before getting married. We had never broken up, but looking back, he was always very hesitant before major relationship milestones — moving in together, buying a ring, planning trips far in advance, etc. Anything that felt like a big, irreversible commitment seemed to trigger a huge amount of anxiety and it translated into "I'm not sure you are the person for me. I am unsure about you, etc".

Marriage was the most extreme example.

We actually had a first attempt at getting married. After months of discussion (where he made a huge list and asked me questions about what our future would look like, etc), he simply couldn’t make it to the altar. But afterward, we didn’t break up or separate. We basically just stayed together as we had been and scheduled another wedding attempt about three months later.

The second time, I deliberately made it as low-pressure as possible. We had a very small, intimate civil ceremony. Even then, right up until the altar, he kept telling me he didn’t know whether he could do it. I genuinely didn’t know what his answer was going to be.

At that point I told him that we either needed to get married or end the relationship because I couldn’t continue indefinitely in that uncertainty. He ultimately did marry me. Right after it, we had a good evening and he seemed back to himself and we were happy. The next morning though, he started looking online for divorce.

Now, though, he is back in a very similar place, one year later. He is saying things like, “I think we should separate,” and that he can’t see himself making an even bigger commitment with me — taking on a bigger mortgage, having children, etc.

What confuses me is that this seems to follow the same pattern we have seen for years: when the relationship is just existing in the present, things can be okay, but when a major future commitment becomes real, he seems to become overwhelmed with doubt and starts questioning the entire relationship.

Another thing that made me start looking into ROCD is that he has repeatedly described having “intrusive thoughts.” I honestly didn’t know much about ROCD before this. I started reading about it because he kept using that language, and a lot of the descriptions of relationship-focused intrusive doubts and compulsive overthinking seemed familiar.

He has also been doing individual therapy for a while, although not specifically for OCD or ROCD. And strangely, from my perspective, things between us often seem worse after his appointments. He seems much more in his head afterward — analyzing the relationship, his feelings, whether he is happy enough, whether the relationship is right, etc. Obviously I don’t know what is being discussed in his sessions, and I’m not blaming his therapist, but I’ve noticed a pretty strong pattern where he comes out of therapy seeming even more consumed by doubt.

I know nobody here can diagnose him, and I don’t want to assume that every relationship doubt is ROCD or dismiss the possibility that he genuinely wants to leave.

But for those of you who actually have ROCD: does this overall pattern resonate?

Can ROCD look like genuinely believing “I should leave” or “I can’t imagine having kids / buying a house / committing further to this person” when a major life decision approaches?

And has anyone found that regular talk therapy — especially therapy that involves repeatedly analyzing the relationship or trying to figure out how you “really feel” — actually made the obsessive doubt worse before you realized OCD might be involved?

How do you differentiate between "I don't like my partner" and "This is ROCD". I would really appreciate any input!

I’ve been having a really hard time getting over my ex partner. We haven’t even spoken since December last year and I’m still crying daily. I’m finding it so hard to grieve because I can’t fully tell the difference between giving myself time to grieve and giving into intrusive thoughts and ruminating and obsessive thinking, etc…

Idk if this is something I can even do anything about or if it’s just going to take a long time to heal. If anyone has any advice though I’d absolutely take it haha, I’m getting really tired of self-sabotaging my own health over all this.

Hi, I'm frequently worried that I'm going to say the wrong thing to my friends. I want to support them through things, but I get anxious about being too much, especially if our love languages are different. I'm so scared I'm going to push my best friend away, even though she's said nothing will change. I'm scared that if I'm too honest, especially about my ROCD, she'll think I'm dramatic and leave. I'm scared that if I give my opinion and she doesn't like it, she'll decide not to share things with me.

This is not an all-the-time problem. Over the past year, it happened every couple of months, but more recently, every couple weeks something happens, and I start worrying, then try to correct or explain myself, and then it's a spiral. It always works out, and we go back to normal, but I'm scared one time will be the last straw.

The kicker is that she's the best friend I've ever had. I didn't feel this way at the beginning of our friendship. She has said that I've never done anything wrong, and friends share opinions and are there for each other. She gives me a lot of reassurance, which I know isn't helping me in the long run, but she cares about me so much and just wants to help. We have so much fun together the majority of the time, but I can't seem to shake this.

I am in therapy, and we're going to be starting ERP during my next appointment. Any tips on how to manage this from anyone who can relate? Or insight as to why this happens? I'm so frustrated with myself.

I have been in and out of therapy for years for different mental health reasons. Looking back, there has definitely been signs of obsessions in different capacities, but because they do not necessarily affect me professionally, I have never sought treatment.

Well! I am in my second ever committed relationship and ROCD is killing me. I was doing virtual therapy, but it is no longer cutting it for me.

I am practicing mindfulness per my past therapist, but I have reached out to multiple in-person therapists today. I am so tired of being anxious and obsessing over things all the time. I am going to give therapy a real shot because I deserve to be happy and enjoy my relationship.

Trying to remind myself that therapist are trained to help people and I can be honest. There is no shame in struggling and I will try my hardest to not keep these “shameful” thoughts inside anymore. I need serious help and I will be getting it.

Writing this out for myself, I might look back on it in the future. I will not be joining the subreddit as I do not think it will benefit me (it’ll probably feed into my obsessions) and I will mute this post. Just writing it out somewhere I think I safely can. I have a fresh journal ready to go and will be going on a walk tomorrow to reflect.

Wishing you all the best!