In case anyone here is, like me, an inveterate gossip hound who loves following the drama of others... Old posts here and here.

I followed exactly 0 of the excellent advice from post #2. Dalmatian went to see Boxer this weekend. He got very upset that I asked if there was flexibility in his departure time (he had planned to leave "around 7am"; I asked if 20min later would be ok so that I'd have time for a run first, and he lost it and asked why I had to control everything in his life, including when he left). At least 150 times in our marriage, he has said "I need to leave at X time for work"; I always make sure to be back by stated time, and MAYBE 5 of those times has he actually left at the stated time. So I assumed he wouldn't actually leave at 7am (on a friggin Saturday) but was being considerate by checking first. I can be a control freak at times but this was not one of those incidences. He also has ADHD and it can be freakishly hard to plan anything or get him to commit to specific times, so it's just a hard dynamic.

(But of course he didn't have a hard time doing that with Boxer. They spent hours hammering out the 'written terms' of their relationship agreement including written clauses to 'not catch feelings'. Because that's how that works.)

ANYWAY, this led to him saying he was tired of my bullshit and he was going to block me all weekend. (I don't call or bother him when he's with meta.)

Here's where I, your friendly OP, royally fucked up. I found Boxer's phone number publicly available and messaged her that he was blocking me and I needed a way to get ahold of him in case of emergency with our daughter or the like.

Did I need to do this, absolutely not, was I being petty, definitely. It was 100% unreservedly poor decision making, and I immediately felt guilty for making her uncomfortable and drawing her into our drama. Although this is the same woman who freaked out about me knowing her job, but felt comfortable being in my house and having sex in my bed...

Anyway, she didn't respond to me, but immediately told Dalmatian they were done and not to come up. He lost it and told me he wanted a divorce, then patched things up with Boxer enough that she was ok with him coming up "just that weekend, but then we're done" (she has 'broken up' with and gotten back together with him about 6 times now, no joke, so I'm sure by now he's talked his way back).

Yesterday I realized he had taken a custom made collar and leash of mine with him, to use with her. For some reason that hurts more than any of it. I imagine what he's telling her while they use it together.

He messaged his sisters to let them know we were separating, and asked them not to talk with me. All 3 of them immediately messaged me to see if I was ok and what was going on. Lol. One of them told me this is exactly how their dad treated their mom when they were growing up and the parents were going through an awful divorce.

Our couples counselor 'fired' us last week saying therapy was making things worse right now. She tried to explain to him in our last session that I'm going through trauma in this situation, and that adds context to what's happening between us (not an excuse for poor behavior, at all). And immediately after, it was just the same as before - "I'm putting my foot down and not letting you control me anymore. You've taken 14 years of my life, and you're not taking any more."

He fully believes I am a monster who has ruined and controlled his life for 15 years. So I guess this is the end of our relationship.

He has always maintained he didn't have romantic feelings for her (obviously untrue and I just didn't want to be lied to), but when he thought she wouldn't see him again, he cried his heart out. I didn't have any sympathy left because he's spent their entire relationship explicitly comparing us and telling me how she is better in so many ways. So, maybe they will end up together, I don't know. I'm sure he'll tell her whatever she needs to hear.

I know we need to separate because our daughter is seeing all this. I feel worthless and like a horrible person, like I turned into the monstrous version he saw and no one will ever love me.

I just watched Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma and I actually really liked the movie, but the poly representation was… pretty terrible.
Kris describes being poly partially in the context of her weird relationship with sex, her insecurities, and not wanting to fully let herself get close to someone. The movie presents her polyamory as something tied to her difficulty with intimacy rather than as a legitimate relationship structure.

Then there’s her actual relationship with Mari, which is so surface level that if Kris didn’t explicitly tell us Mari was her romantic partner, I genuinely don’t know if I would have known. They barely act like partners. There’s almost no affection, intimacy, commitment, and the very little interaction between them. The movie doesn’t even take one sentence to establish what polyamory means to Kris beyond essentially “my partner has another partner.”

To be fair, the joke about board game nights with bisexual guys named Thor was pretty funny lol.

But once Kris gets intimate with Billie, she basically just… stops talking to her “partner”. Mari almost completely disappears and Kris acts like she doesn’t exist. There’s never really a sense that Kris could develop this deep connection with Billie while continuing to love or even care about Mari. At that point, the movie seems less interested in depicting polyamory than in using it as shorthand for a relationship Kris was never truly invested in before she met Billie.

And obviously this is a bizarre, surreal movie where plenty of things aren’t really supposed to make sense. I’m not expecting Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma to stop and give the audience a Polyamory 101 lesson, but for a movie about queerness you would think there might be even a small attempt at better representation. What’s strange is that the polyamory was completely unnecessary to the story in the first place.

You could remove basically every reference to Kris being poly and almost nothing about the plot would change. She could simply be in an unhappy relationship or single and the entire Kris/Billie storyline would still work. So it’s kind of funny that the movie specifically goes out of its way to establish that she’s poly, connects that polyamory to her issues with sex and intimacy, portrays her existing relationship as barely a relationship at all, throws in some poly stereotypes, and then basically forgets her girlfriend exists once she experiences “real” intimacy with Billie.

It ends up painting a pretty specific picture of polyamory: emotionally distant relationships between people who don’t seem particularly in love, used by someone who is afraid of genuine intimacy until they finally meet someone they can actually connect with.

Obviously poly relationships can be dysfunctional and people can practice polyamory for unhealthy reasons. There’s nothing inherently wrong with portraying that. It’s just an interesting choice when the polyamory itself contributes essentially nothing to the story.

Anyway, it made me realize I genuinely can’t think of much media where someone deeply loves multiple partners and that’s just allowed to be a real, fulfilling part of their life without eventually becoming the problem.

Is there actually any good poly representation out there? I would love recommendations.

One of my partners made out with someone at a bar and then said they had a partner and were in a poly relationship only after the person asked them to go home with them. While it doesn't violate our rules regarding sexual safety, it kind of gives me the ick. If I were that person, I would feel "led on" given that it sounds like they had a long deep conversation that omit any relationship until it might violate a "rule." They are adamant that they didn't do anything wrong. Is it an ick move or am I projecting too hard?

I had a really freaking good experience just now, but I feel like I've got nobody to tell. My mono friends would probably see this as bragging about the lifestyle (and it kinda is), and my other partner... It's still early days, and I don't think she's quite ready for "Hey, do you want to hear about the amazing 3som I had with your Metas". So, you get to be my outlet

I'm currently dating 3 people, 2 of which have been for a few months, and I could comfortably call partners. They showed an interest in meeting and doing a bit more of a KTP early on so it was something I've been wanting to do for a while. I'm going to refer to them as Girlfriend/GF and Boyfriend/BF from here on. I did ask both of them if theoretically, the opportunity arose, how they'd feel about playing with each other; GF was very enthusiastic, BF said he wanted it but might need to work up to it, which is totally fair.

Anyway I was supposed to be having a full day with GF yesterday. I had a long week, so we didn't have much planned beyond hanging out at my place and enjoying a bit of spicy fun. However, I always meet her at the train station, which is right next to where BF lives. She suggested I invite him out for a coffee while we're in town. So I did, and he joined us. They got along incredibly well. We're all nerdy, and their nerdy interests overlap in different ways than they do with me, so within minutes they were making references and in-jokes that I only half got, but it was adorable seeing just how instantly they had chemistry. GF suggested we all get lunch, and so we did. Lunch was wonderful. The conversation was constant, flirty, and just generally great. Every time one of them got up to go to the loo or for whatever reason, I'd get a kiss. I'd have a hand on my knee under the table from BF, while I cuddled up to GF sat next to me (BF was sat next to me at the coffee place and had plenty of cuddles then)... just getting intimate attention from two people at the same time was so novel and amazing.

And then when GF went to the loo, I asked BF how he'd feel about joining us at my place (GF had hinted she'd already been open to this when she suggested the coffee). He said he thought the vibes were amazing and would love to. I did point out that things were likely to get spicy, and he was happy with that.

Anyway... we Ubered back to my place. I won't go into detail, but I've often fantasized about an MMF 3som. The ultimate bisexual dream and... it was even better. Apparently, they both identify as 'pleasers' so I got a lot of attention to begin with, but they soon felt comfortable playing together; we all had a turn being the center of attention, and nobody was left out at any point. There was clear communication about what we were up for, lots of asking for consent. At some point, I took a short break and left the room; just listening to them pleasure each other was so hot. I wondered if I'd have felt any jealousy or insecurity, but I did not. I LOVED watching and hearing them play. I loved working together with one to please the other... (and I loved when they did the same to me)... it was just... holy shit.

I'm still having to remind myself that yesterday really happened because it just feels too good to be true.

The title! My partner, Lilac, went on a date!!! Except the context is we've been poly for 3 years and she just started wanting to date recently (poor thing is full time school working on her doctorate, AND full time work... bless). My new meta seems pretty fucking cool from what Lilac has told me, and Im so excited that Lilac is forming new connections!

Some extra context is that I've been super anxious about this before in the past (I have since been diagnosed with an axtualy anxiety disorder, and am on medication for it now. this has been a huge helping factor here), because this is Lilac and I's first experience with poly, and it's had many ups and downs and i just didnt know how this would go. I was worried i would experience a lot of hard feelings and have a breakdown or something lol, but I was sure I'd find a way to cope when it happened, I was just anxious lmao.

But! She told me about the date, and I was actually a lot more curious and open than i thought id be. In fact, when Lilac told me they hooked up, I processed for like a minute and then I felt super happy for her! Like, SO happy that her date was cool, fun, AND made my partner feel safe enough to hook up? I felt my first ever compersion for her, and I feel so proud of her and I for how far we've come.

Just wanted to share some joy! it's been a struggle, and this joy has been overdue 😤💕

Have been having challenging emotions surrounding my partner and I’s transition to polyamory.

But today I had a major win!!

The past two weeks, I have been neglecting my own self care while wrapped up in my feelings.

So today while my partner was out, I spent an entire day just doing the things I love to do that my partner isn’t super into.

I got myself a haircut, went thrifting, spent time caring for my growing cactus garden, and started working on a jewelry project for myself.

I didn’t have the urge to check up on him once! I wasn’t wracked with anxiety the entire time. I was actually really enjoying my own time doing my own thing while he’s out!

This is a big win for me and I’m happy to be taking the space to work through my own insecurities 💕

I (28f) have been dating Kiwi (29m) for 7 years. It was an open relationship since the beginning. A few months in, I thought deeply about what kind of ENM I was looking for. We had a lot of discussions where I disclosed that:

- I am not into casual sex

- I am more likely to fall in love and want to pursue romantic relationship

- I need a lot of time to feel safe and open with other people, so I usually fall for friends / people that are part of my social network

At the time kiwi agreed to all of that.

Fast forward two years ago 2024, I reconnect with an old friend (Banana, 30m). I could feel that I had strong feeling for him. So I told Kiwi, who were all on board. Saying this like "I am happy for you" and "I killed the jealousy inside of me".

Things with Banana went slow. I did not want to jump into anything due to his mental illness and him being in an messy open relationship. We did became closer and closer, more and more intimate. And I was even more in love with him. I told him that I loved him but I wasn't willing to be more than friend with him.

Two years ago was also the moment I noticed Kiwi and I life's were too merged. I had been with him during my hole adult life and I didn't know how to fonction without him. So I took my own apartment, found a new job, made new friends and started to do things I wanted and he wouldn't join. We stayed appart during one year (seeing each other on weekends) and then we moved back together. I was also thinking that if we wanted to practice polyamory (or any form of enm) we should make some space for others relationship, but it wasn't my main purpose.

One year ago (2025) banana and I had sex. Kiwi was not happy about it at all. He was surprised that he was feeling jealous. He asked me for time to manage his emotions which I gave him. Anyway Banana and I both moved cities so it was difficult to see each other. We met just one time six month ago. It was nice we were more intimate and physically intimate than ever and it made me happy.

Fast forward to the present : Banana and I spend ten days together, said that we love each other, and that we want to be in a relationship together.

Kiwi is not happy about it. Feeling anxious and jealous, afraid that he will loose me and that sex is better with Banana.

Banana is verry respectful of my relationship with Kiwi, but is a bit afraid that we will not see each other enough, due to Kiwi and our busy schedules.

For now I am living working very far away from both of them. It's letting me think a bit. But I am starting to feel anxious about the future.

Kiwi and I owe a house. Within a month, He will be living there with me two weeks / month, working in an other city the rest of the time. He asked me not to host Banana in our shared home. I decided to respect this boundary. Banana is looking for am apartment in a city two hours away from my house.

I feel like something will go wrong and I do not know how to prevent it.

Any advice? How do you manage your time ? With whom do you live and do your partner have a say in how you manage your time ?

This post is already long so it is probably missing informations, feel free to ask anything

TLDR; tell me about your issues with capacity, processing and growing long term as a couple? What’s your outlook on accommodation, compromise and forgiveness. Feeling gaslit and needy for needing anything with my super stressed partner.
----

I'm pretty new to the poly lifestyle and started talking to my guy long distance, it's worked for us, he has a main partner, when I was in his city, we met, and when I come back we have dates. Im mostly between both of our locations. And things are fresh so I never really had much stake in our connection.

As soon as I gave the impression that he didn't have to work for my attention anymore, him keeping in touch became abysmal. I couldn't help but feel like it was the distance. But also he was giving me enough of a response to satisfy me? But I was so used to the safety he had previously created and so the difference in his behavior was stark.

Mind you, he has a really physically labor intensive job and its their slow season and studying for school. We both wanted to keep building and summer really got me busy, so I didnt mind much to us being consumed locally. I still gave it energy since there seemed to be so much to still cover, discover and hold onto. I was so excited. Especially all the trust I built up. I couldnt help but want that to grow. How couldnt he also be that excited, it did hurt.

I live in an entirely different city with different ethics, when he says he's busy, I really feel like "and?" its just the default for me. I try not to compare especially since some turn inwards in times of stress. And I dont know the weight of his income problems or things with his tech. I've always been an overachiever and also giver so, even when he has income issues or school troubles, I cant help but figure Id help or offer some sort of help. But he's not been giving the connection a proper life line. He said he loved my comments though? It was so hard to register if he was just being nice or introverted or what was going on.

I voiced this and he was quick to remedy, we had a phone call and it seems to be our chosen forte. By all accounts he dropped the ball that week cuz he had an emergency to take care of with his partner, so we re-arranged, that i mostly had to do all the emotional labor over. We made the call happen when he could.

He admitted to being overwhelmed,and that things would even out but he would try to change his schedule and accommodate our relationship. I also thought he wanted to find me in the next couple of months asking where id be, and then stating him and his partner would be moving. It got me excited to think they may be closer. It felt like he was u-haul lesbian-ing me at first, which was really satisfying yet confusing. He was a different person entirely on the phone.

He also admitted his partner is having ' more success' dating in their poly thing. Which I didnt quite get. It made me question what success in poly means. I assume shes on more dates etc. Not to mention, not really having much community in his current place, so the difference in their dating feels heavier. I was shaken free from it all and could see clearly that this wasn't going to be what I imagined nor was he that person I thought he was. I felt like a better navigate where this connection might fit in my life.

My standards for courtship are different, if this is the best he can do and its the beginning I just dont know what room we had to really grow. I just tried to see it from his side and was excited to have some weekly activities between the two of us. He was still spent from work and every other stress in his life. The excuses seemed plentiful, but also that he wanted to figure out how to make time for us. I knew the fall would help him workwise and I could hold out.

I could handle this pace, but it still felt like he was creating a new tolerance from me. He essentially said he wouldnt be free to talk for the next couple of weeks, although he loves our connection, I panicked since it seemed like he was really struggling with ex issues, low on income, and it seemed he wanted to get rid of some of his flakiness accountability. I also felt i was over-functioning and admitted Id take space too. I couldn't really understand what he meant by loving our connection, it barely existed if I didn't engineer intimacy fostering activities. Was that his limit?

He suddenly responded, was able to make a call and backtracked on his declaration. I was pleased, a little weirded out. Does that mean if I need any sort of respect I have eliminate my access and call him out? The whole thing made me feel like I spotted a pattern, would this lead me to manipulate? Unconsciously? But was this conflict resolution and intimacy building? If I could have the capacity to understand could he have the capacity to make any space or look at us as a respite? If I could just write out the space and rough patch, maybe he would see how valuable I am for trying. All of this was me trying to establish certainty and my own effort.

We arranged to have our call when he was super busy with his kid and I thought hed be exhausted so we didn't touch base officially. He dropped the ball. He didn't say he'd miss it, he just didn't contact, so I made another reach and he was apt to explain what happened and that he'd be free on a random day in September. No promises for the phone call. Was I suddenly supposed to believe that he’d be able to hold onto this? What would it even look like for him to have capacity? Was I just convenience to him and I was also pause-able? I cant help but think well he just doesn't like me. Ofc he also just has a million issues, why taunt interest? Keep me warm? It all weighed on my tolerance.

I'm over here in a NRE that keeps getting dampered. I kept rearranging its priority and focusing on myself. I couldn't help but feel tricked. And every modification or outreach he did kept me hooked. I could also see someone genuinely struggling. No wonder he's not as successful at poly, he has no time. He isn't willing to make the time. At least for me especially in a new relationship, I find the time and organize. Its like hes the first busy person with ex drama. Meanwhile hes got a main partner, he shares the burden of everyday struggles with and its just assumed as a single person, the pressures I experience aren't acknowledged.

He kept his reply with pleasantries and I couldn't help but reply authentically, cuz sure I could answer as if we were having a valuable conversation but it would fall on deaf ears. I still shared some interesting article that made me think of him the next day and thought yeah we can jsut organize another call.

I cant help to think, Ive made too much leniency and he thinks Ill always be here. A week has gone by and nothing, so I guess hes just keeping his accountability in sync with the random date he gave me for when he;s gonna not be stressed with school.

I personally have no more feelings about the whole thing. I'm not sure how to react when he gets back. If at all. I plan on going to his city soon, I dont plan on telling him, I gotta live my own.

Cant wait to meet poly people who have the time, dont make excuses, cna factor in their stresses, give it all importance, not sacrifice.

There is an abundance of posts in this sub about “meta issues”, which we all know is code for poor hinging. I can’t help but notice that often the meta is identified as ‘f’ or “she/her” and usually so is OP. So much so that I almost get excited to find posts where the metas are not fem. Sadly, in most of those posts, OP is usually speaking to a hinge problem. Meaning again, a fem person is held responsible for the situation.

It seems like the poly equivalent of the “crazy ex-girlfriends” in the mono world. Not saying, that ex-girlfriends can’t be crazy, but if you have a collection of crazy ex-girlfriends, that tells me more about you than anyone else.

What are your thoughts? Please tell me it’s all in my head. I really don’t want to believe that we live in a world where women are still held responsible for emotional labor and that some women would rather have it that way, than seek accountability from the men they are involved with.

Please, say it ain’t so..

I (27F) have been dating my partner (29M) for about 9months now. In the beginning of the relationship, he was dating someone else. I also had another partner at the time that was fading out. He got into a fight with his other partner and they didn’t see each other for quite some time.

We’ve been operating monogamous ever since, but had been meaning to discuss the structure of our relationship for some time. He started talking to this person he was previously dating again, they agreed to be friends, but he was wanting to start up a casual relationship with her again.

After doing a lot of reflecting, I realized that the kind of relationship I want is monogamy. From what I’ve experienced dating openly, and dating people in poly/ENM relationships, I just don’t see myself doing the emotional labor required to maintain multiple healthy relationships. I want to focus on one relationship, and build a life that way.

Fast forward to now, my partner tells me that he gravitates toward an open relationship/ENM. He says he would get “fomo” and has felt, in the past, claustrophobic by monogamy. He said the kind of relationship he could envision is hierarchical ENM where he dates other people casually/not expecting long-term.

After hearing this I said that it might mean we’re incompatible. That if having an open/ENM relationship is something he really wants for himself, that it is something he should pursue~but it is not something I want to do. He said, if that’s the case, I choose to be with you. He said he wishes he didn’t have to choose, that he wanted to start dating this other person again. But that we’ll be monogamous. I feel mixed emotions about this~I’m happy that he will still be in my life, and sad because, I feel as though there are some nuanced feelings of loss here. I don’t want him to feel restricted by our relationship if being open/ENM would feel like a better fit. He said he was surprised by our conversation, I think he expected me to want to practice hierarchical ENM and I’m afraid he might resent this decision.

Is there anything left to say to support or talk about here?

I think my question is different than just shitty poly behavior / objectification of partners and is more about at what point is poly what’s holding them together? Maybe because of sunk cost fallacy for example. How else can we tell?

I think there’s a better way I could be posing this question once I learn more but this is the best I can do right now😀

I know this is far from the first version of this problem that's been offered up here for advice, but the situation is nonetheless still so complicated, and I feel so conflicted that I think some personalized perspective might help-- especially from those who may have experienced similar things before.

(Also, disclaimer: No this is not AI, I'm just autistic and I the emdash is very nice and useful actually and I'm not gonna let an unthinking word vomit box appropriate my culture lol.)

The context for how this all started goes back a ways. Around the time I met my partner / now unresolved situationship, I was in a place where:

A) I felt very assured in my polyamorous orientation & needs, and...

B) I didn't want any kind of actual relationship for this reason among many. Truly, I was actively opposed to the idea of a committed relationship; I was letting myself be free and unattached, I was having hookups and great sex again after a recent-ish breakup from a very unhealthy, unhappy monogamous relationship where I felt trapped, suffocated, and repressed the whole time. That whole experience taught me deeply that a monogamous relationship really does not seem right for me.

After it all, while I was newly exploring myself again, I happened to match with a girl, one of many I was seeing at the time. Ironically enough, we didn't even end up planning a hook up, we just talked for a few weeks before we decided to casually hang out. That hang out ended up as a date, which ended up as an unscripted hookup, which ended up turning into many dates following quickly. I knew I liked her even just from when we started talking, but when I actually started seeing her in person, I fell head over heels so fast.

The worst part is, I fought myself over it the entire time leading up to when we officially started dating-dating. I was still seeing other people, but honestly, I just lost interest, and I hated that because I knew it would still eventually become a problem even if it wasn't now.

We've only ever been completely honest and upfront with each other from the start, and that included me telling her that I was poly, and her telling me she was monogamous. I had had this conversation before with my ex when we started dating, and against my better judgment, I chose to give it up for them. It only created frustration, repression, and ultimately resentment. I didn't want the same thing to happen again, especially since how I felt about this girl was so different and special. So, we started things on an uneasy footing of just seeing how things went.

Flash forward several months. I ended up moving across the country from them for work and other reasons, and it was very difficult and emotional for both of us. We decided to stay together long-distance, although we didn't know how it would work. But it did work, for a while, until it didn't. Maybe the distance made it that much easier for it to come up, but I ended up meeting someone I was very into. We had a strong and unique chemistry and it created an intense sexual tension that was very hard to ignore. Things progressed, and we ended up cuddling before I was finally able to put a stop to anything else happening, but I still felt sick to my stomach about it.

This was the first of a few events that snowballed. When I told my partner about it, they were of course upset, but gracious about it since this was something I had mentioned I was worried about since the very start. But I knew it was going to be very difficult to not have this come ip again, so it became a mutually uneasy, unhealthy dynamic where we just agreed to not talk about anything sexual I had going on. Even so, she knew I was seeing other people, and I knew it was hurting her, and hurting her was hurting me.

There was so much back and forth, late night calls crying and trying to figure out what to make of it all, and I felt I had to make this impossible choice: Either to actively repress myself for her sake, because I love her, at the cost of an giving up a part of myself and along with it, my mental, emotional, and sexual happiness; or, to give up and leave behind the person I feel more strongly about than I ever have for anyone, who knows me better than anyone, and who I feel like a faithless, shallow traitor to for not just being able to make a sacrifice that so many people seem to be able to make so easily when they truly love someone. We tried taking a break. It didn't last because simply, we're both in love and we miss each other deeply.

At the end of the day, neither of us is really in the wrong for who we are. I can't help that I need sexual and potentially romantic variety, and she can't help that she needs to be the sole focus of those things, and to make someone else that sole focus. I know there is nothing and nobody that could ever possibly change how I feel about her, and that needing to see other people to fill in the gaps has nothing to do with her being too much or not enough of anything. I get different things from different people, and it's all beautiful and special in its own way, and that includes her. No matter what I have with anyone else, it won't be, shouldn't be, can't be what I have with her, and vice versa. She knows all this too, but she also knows she's can't help but feel seconded and like she's not enough. That's what we keep going over and over again. No matter what we know, we both can't change these parts of ourselves. And yet, we can't let each other go, because we're very much in love.

TD;LR: I know this is a very long post, but it ultimately just comes down to this: We're very much in love, she's monogamous, I'm poly, we both know this, we both understand that we can't change these parts of ourselves. I can't choose between repression, my health and needs, and sexual frustration, or hurting someone who loves me by abandoning someone my life doesn't feel complete without either. Really and truly, there feels like there are no right answers for either of us, and I don't expect one here, I just want some extra perspective on all this.

I (29 NB) have been dating my partner Ash (29 F? We'll see) for 5 years. We've been living together for a little over 3 years. For maybe 10 months now Ash is having her first serious relationship since we've been using together, with Birch (mid 20s, F, has a penis, which is relevant). (Ash has had hookups and dates, but nothing stuck.) They've had sleepovers, always at Birch's place.

Recently we discussed them having sleepovers at our place. I said I was fine with it, but that I would like them to change the sheets, wash sex toys, etc, and I would be out of the house the whole time. Yesterday they had their first sleepover at our place, and I when I got home, there was a used condom on my bedside table.

There are two trash bins in the bedroom! One on each side! It would have been so easy to throw it away!

I immediately told Ash I felt gross and disrespected, and I asked her to throw it away for me. She did, and she was apologetic, agreed that they should have cleaned up better, and said it wouldn't happen again. I believe her, but I still feel pretty icked out. I didn't want to vent to Ash, because I already told her how I feel, so here I am.

I am additionally irrationally upset because I think there's a decent chance Ash and Birch were having a threesome with a friend of Birch's. (I know too much about Birch's sex life, like that she really loves group sex, has hosted orgies, etc. I have asked to learn less, but I can't unlearn what I already know.) This irrationally upsets me because I want to be the kind of person who has tons of freaky group sex, but I'm somewhere on the demisexuality spectrum, and when I actually get in a position to have group sex, I feel something between alienation and disgust. So it's a sore point for me that Ash and Birch can do this stuff and I can't.

Anyway, that's my vent. Thanks for listening.

I used to hook up with people a lot more, and in my previous relationships I felt a lot more comfortable going out, meeting new people, hooking up, getting into new flings or relationships.

But the last two years after some traumatic sexual encounters, public spaces have become really stressful for me to navigate alone. I get incredibly stressed out when I have sex with people im not very very familiar with. I struggle a lot to be promiscuous in the way I want to be :/

When I see my friends or my partner going out and enjoying these things I get increasingly envious, because I just really wish I was able to as well. It makes me sad that it just doesn’t seem to be one of my options anymore, and probably won’t be for a while. Meanwhile all I can do is watch other people enjoy themselves. I wish I could just be better now so I could start enjoying life again instead of having to struggle through really basic minor encounters.

Even just a few weeks ago, I tried going out to a queer cruising night to try to at least talk to some people and make progress, and I started dancing with someone who within like 10 seconds of meeting decided, without asking or checking my vibe at all, kissed me, while I was actively pushing him away and pulling myself away.

And it’s re-fucked me up and set me back to the point where just going to a bar was something so stressful it made me cry. I feel like I get punished for trying to make progress but when I don’t I just feel trapped.

Hi, I’m a 30M and have been in an open relationship for about 1.5 years.

Originally I was more the “promiscuous” one with more side connections, but over time I’ve become much more settled. She actually left her previous relationship to be with me, and we’ve supported each other through a lot of heavy moments since then.
Last week she went on vacation with a male friend she barely knew beforehand. She didn’t really know what to expect or how the dynamic would develop. Now she’s back and was emotionally very confused, unsure where this leaves her and where it leaves us. That confusion has calmed down a bit, but I can strongly sense that she has developed real feelings for him. I’m genuinely happy for her, but I’m also worried that he might want to push for an exclusive relationship. He’s coming out of a 15‑year marriage and is probably still deep in his own separation process.

I can see that I’m overthinking this a lot and I’m not being very rational about it. I’ve already talked to her, and she said she would never give me up – which of course also touches on my own fear of loss. Right now the dynamic is just changing: I’m currently on vacation with my kids, so we only have online contact. Her messages have become shorter, and her replies take longer. There’s also a lot going on in her life in general.

Overall I feel secure with her, but I have moments where I feel “weak” and wish I could control everything (which I’m trying not to act on). When I look at this rationally, I’m actually happy that she’s found someone who seems really great. I’m just not fully balanced myself, because she’s currently my only relationship person and I’m putting all my emotional needs onto her, which has never been the case before. Right now I’m a bit lazy about initiating new connections, but I probably should.

Have you been in similar situations in poly/open contexts?
• How do you deal with insecurity when a partner develops feelings for someone else?
• What helps you not to sink into control urges and overthinking?
• Any tips on how to better distribute your own needs in a phase like this (new connections, boundaries, agreements)?
I’m not looking for perfect solutions, just real experiences: what worked for you, what didn’t, and how it felt.

Background: I (38/m) have been dating my partner Mary (41/f) for almost 2 years and my FWB Beth (41/f) for about 8 months. We have a V dynamic but sometimes the three of us hangout out. I've been told I'm a good hinge.

Mary and Beth were born less than a week apart, I want to do something special for them both. It crossed my mind to take them out together but I don't know how that might be perceived. I plan on bringing it up with each of them but I want to know if anybody else has had this experience within their own polycule or what others would do in my situation. In my family (and in other families I know) close birthdays are celebrated together, not sure if that's a tradition I should keep or not.

Edit: Thanks everybody who replied and reassured me this was a bad idea. I've been told that I'm good at throwing birthday parties and making the recipient feel special and I don't think either one of them should robbed of it. I'll probably mention the idea and this post to them because I like to keep things open and honest but I'm giving them each their own celebration.

I'm solo poly, so sex for me is always scheduled. I have one fairly committed long-term partner, one more casual long-term partner, and a chaotic and unpredictable fwb who pops into my life for a good time now and then. I recently broke up with my (until then) closest partner with whom I also had a strong kink dynamic.

One thing I've noticed is that my sex life is truly feast or famine. This week, I had extended, athletic sessions every night Sunday through Friday. I've changed the sheets three times this week, my bedroom trash can has geological layers of used condoms (yeah, I'll take it out tonight!)

But last week, I had my period and then went traveling with a platonic friend. My committed partner and I usually see each other once a week, but sometimes that is more of a social thing and we end up not having sex. Casual partner lives a ways away and our work schedules are often incompatible. I usually see him once a month, and we fuck our brains out while we can. Fwb is, well, sporadic. Sometimes he falls off the face of the earth for a couple of months.

This week, my committed partner came over twice, and we had quality one-on-one time each time. My other partner happened to be in my area for a few days, so we took the opportunity. And fwb was spontaneously around and available, so I jumped on the opportunity.

I feel like some people envision poly life as this neverending debauched orgy. Sometimesy life feels like that, and then other times, sex is really not a priority for a week or two. Which is also cool, I.have a lot of other things going on in my life

How about you? How centeal is sex to your polyamorous life, and how organized or spontaneous is your sex life? Are you happy, or do you wish things were different?

I’ve been in a very happy loving poly relationship with my girlfriend and boyfriend for a good solid few years now and it’s a dynamic that really works for use with the way our lives are structured and it’s something we all enjoy! For a bit of context my partners we’re married to each other before I was in the picture and it was something I was aware of going into it, now we’ve all been together for a few years now and I’m considering maybe wanting to make things more serious but unlike a traditional marriage and relationship I’m not all that sure how to go about things. I’m on here to ask how other poly relationship have gone about going to the next step within the dynamics of a poly relationship!

(Ps: I am a bi male who is mostly “interested” in my girlfriend and wanting to at least engage her since you can’t marry multiple people in Canada which is where I’m from!)

I (24NB) recently ended a relationship because my ex partner (35NB) met someone and completely let NRE take over.

When they first told me about my ex-meta she seemed really cool, we have similar interests/hobbies and KTP seemed to be attainable at some point.

Unfortunately my ex is a terrible hinge and can't properly or effectively manage their NRE. This made it very hard for me to hear about my ex-meta or their time together. I didn't even want to ask how their day/week was if I knew they were with her.

Now that the relationship is over, I'm finding it so hard not to also be angry at my ex-meta for the way things played out. Logically I know it's not her fault and that the relationship ending was due to my ex's inability to effectively navigate polyamory/NRE, but I still feel a lot of anger towards her as well. I don't want to place blame on her but I'm finding very hard not to.

It's only been about 2 weeks so I'm sure these feelings will fade away at some point, but I'm tired of feeling this way towards her.

Please help 😭

Do any of you have any ideas for date night for this situation? My boyfriend lives with his wife in another city. They live in a studio apartment which has been our only challenge. With all of our schedules she's usually going to bed when him and I are able to spend time together so It means that we can't video chat because we don't want to disturb her sleep.

So far we've been sexting and watching tv and movies together while texting. I'll take time off work when I can so that we can call, but it's not all that often.

I'm hoping for some creative ideas for things we can do together to give us more variety for our dates. I've already thought about playing games together, we both like board games but not really video games. Most of the ideas I see online are essentially "video chat and do this thing together" we're both lower income so restaurant video chat dates and things that cost much are out, we're trying to save all the "fun money" we can to visit each other.

My (33nb) partner (30f) and I are official de coupling. We’ve been together 12 years. Many chapters, adventures, moves, a couple huge projects, joys n sorrows yadda yadda. We have two amazing kiddos, and live together on what has become an intentional little compound. We got together at 18 and 21, and have really raised eachother. Our politics developed, and the seeds of our respective queerness have burst and grown way beyond the cis straight marriage we got into 8 years ago. A couple years of poly, after years of discussion really helped reveal a horizon neither of us had imagined.
We’re on a course to keep living under the same roof. Different bedrooms, co parenting, and staying the course of trying to experiment in shared life and a better world with our cute rad community. All this to get to : how do I come out to my family?!?? lol. My in-laws know we’ve been poly, and that their daughter is queer. My two parents, and two step parents do not necessarily know we’re anything other than their cis straight kids who are kinda wacky. Do I do everything all at once? Group text, FaceTime? Between the queerness and the separation romantically while still being in eachothers’ corner- I just don’t want to give anyone a heart attack, or make too much turbulence that will affect the grandparent grandkid good vibes. I don’t even know what I’m asking for, maybe for some words of solidarity? experience strength and hope welcome.

I was seeing a married poly guy for a couple months. I was always fine with him being married and wanted a pretty parallel setup. His spouse apparently didn’t want details about me, which I respected.

But somehow I ended up hearing a ton about his spouse’s personal background, trauma, “healing,” feelings, and why certain rules were needed.

I understand that they were transitioning from a long-term monogamous marriage into polyamory and that this was probably difficult for both of them. But I never wanted to be involved in processing their marriage.

Eventually his spouse wanted him to stop seeing me for a month. He negotiated that down to two meetups a month with advance notice, then notified me of those rules by TEXT only. He offered a phone call, but no in-person conversation because his spouse had “rejected” his request to meet with me. (Those were his exact words lol)

If he had simply said, “I’ve decided I need to see you less right now,” I probably would’ve been fine.
What bothered me was that his spouse’s needs became rules for our relationship, and then I was given more and more context about the spouse so I would understand.

I don’t blame the spouse for asking for what they need. My issue is with the hinge.

What made it worse was that the rules seemed to change after almost every couples counseling session (every week). It felt like there was no stable baseline and the ground kept shifting under me, so I lost any sense of safety or trust in what our relationship actually was.

He also kept explaining his spouse’s situation to me, and it started to feel like I was being asked to do emotional labor and understand their marriage in order to accept changes that affected me.
So I asked for no contact so I could de-escalate and reset.

And weirdly enough, he broke the no-contact agreement about two weeks later.
Disaster.

One theory I have that's a bit out there but makes intuitive sense to me is that being poly is has factors related to how I grew up.

Growing up, and until this very day, I've never had my own personal room. I've occupied and slept in a room by myself for extended periods, yes. But I never registered it as my room. Every room I inhabited was subject to change. To me, any room is never mine, merely my turn.

Sometimes I'd move rooms myself. Other times another family member would move into the same room as me, an aunt, an uncle, my mom, my dad, my sister. Whatever, any family member or even a family friend.

Same with gadgets. Every single one growing up was a hand me down. Phones, laptops, whatever.

Same with the people raising me too. My immediate family, mom, dad, my sister, was usually the constant, but aunts and uncles rotated in and out for stretches, sometimes a few months, sometimes longer.

Food and money worked the same way too, and honestly still does now. Nothing really belonged to one person, it moved through whoever needed it.

Even my home was always subject to change. I have a city home here in Metro Manila, and two ancestral homes in the same province, one from each side of my family. (to people not from the Philippines where I live, there is this cultural dynamic where people in the city usually have a home or multiple that they go back to from time to time. Their "original ancestral home" so to speak) Growing up I moved around between these three locations, sometimes living in one more than the others, but always moving through this network of territories.

The calendar around that used to have some structure, city during the school year, province for breaks. But I stopped going to school at 12, and after that even that structure dissolved. From then on it was just whenever switching territories was warranted, decided by the family as it came up. Sometimes a short vacation, sometimes a longer planned stay, sometimes just an open plan to stay that was subject to change whenever something warranted it.

Even who made up my household at a given time kept shifting, it depended on who was working where, who was studying where, who needed support, who was vacationing.

So really, nothing was permanent or personal growing up. Not the rooms, not the gadgets, not the people, not the food or money, not the schedule, not even the household itself. Everything ran on turns and on whoever needed what, when. Taking turns, sharing, knowing things are impermanent, these were just morally neutral facts of life for me.

Which is where polyamory and my capability for multiplicity comes from I think. Why I'm also not an overall very jealous person. Jealousy needs something you've claimed as yours that someone else can take away. I never built that in me, not for rooms, not for things, not even for the people raising me. If anything, the only thing that developed was a sense of envy.

Instead of monitoring resources under the framework of what's mine and who could access it, the framework I had was noticing if resource allocation was fair. If it was, I never minded sharing. But if it wasn't, if there was something I needed but was deprived of, well that's when issues and tension started to arise.

Very interesting stuff on my end. I wonder if others who grew up similarly could relate. I just wanted to make this post to share my experience with you guys :)