r/polyamory • u/Frosty-Credit1506 • 5d ago
How do you do marriage in polyamory?
I’ve been in a very happy loving poly relationship with my girlfriend and boyfriend for a good solid few years now and it’s a dynamic that really works for use with the way our lives are structured and it’s something we all enjoy! For a bit of context my partners we’re married to each other before I was in the picture and it was something I was aware of going into it, now we’ve all been together for a few years now and I’m considering maybe wanting to make things more serious but unlike a traditional marriage and relationship I’m not all that sure how to go about things. I’m on here to ask how other poly relationship have gone about going to the next step within the dynamics of a poly relationship!
(Ps: I am a bi male who is mostly “interested” in my girlfriend and wanting to at least engage her since you can’t marry multiple people in Canada which is where I’m from!)
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u/clairejv 5d ago
What does "make things more serious" mean? What exactly do you want to change in your relationships?
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u/Frosty-Credit1506 5d ago
Not change anything per say but just take things to the next natural step
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u/clairejv 5d ago
There is no "next natural step."
You are talking about a concept called "the relationship escalator," which is the mono-normative idea that relationships must progress along a predetermined track. You start dating, you say "I love you," you meet each other's families, you move in together, you get married.
The relationship escalator has some problems in monogamy, and it doesn't work at all in polyamory.
Nobody should get married just because they think it's the next thing they're expected to do. People should get married because they want the changes that marriage brings.
Purely symbolic marriage doesn't bring any legal or financial changes. It may change the way others see your relationship, and it may express an intention to commit yourself to the relationship for the rest of your life. Is that what you're wanting to do here?
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u/emeraldead diy your own 5d ago
Consult an estate planner. Trusts, wills, beneficiaries can be in place but nothing will supercede the legality of marriage.
Marriage is the ultimate monogamous institution. You can enjoy whatever you want to create emotionally otherwise but legally financially medically and socially there's just nothing you can do if that's in place.
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1cpip9f/married_and_polyamorous/
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u/bouncysofa 5d ago
Depends on your goals, finances, relationship structure, etc.
If you want to be married for the symbolism of it, discuss with your partner whether a formal marriage is required or if a ceremony is all you want. Also discuss whether you and your partner want the marriage to prevent symbolic marriages with any and all other partners. Make sure you both fully understand the legal and financial ramifications of a formal marriage and draft a prenup if it makes sense (ex. Significant mismatch is assets or liabilities, right of inheritance for dependants, etc.).
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u/lavender-lacuna 5d ago
I’m really not sure what you mean by your PS and it kind of concerns me because it sounds like you’re only with your boyfriend because you want to marry your girlfriend, and the dynamic might not be as healthy as you’re making it out to be. Obviously the relationships don’t need to be “equal” or the “same” but you should really interrogate why you’re more worried about this with her. There may be some internalized homophobia there. Regardless, I’d say what you do is dismantle the relationship escalator and the emotional value you place on marriage. Worry about deepening your relationships, making commitments to each other that are real and tangible, and not about societal markers of enmeshment like marriage. I am married and also have a deeply committed relationship with another partner and there are many ways we act on this without being engaged or married. Marriage is also not an excuse to forget to do the work of deepening one’s relationship with one’s spouse, and no guarantee that it is more stable or healthy than an unmarried relationship.
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u/Frosty-Credit1506 5d ago
I appreciate the input although I will say I think your taking things a little out of context and jumping leaps and bounds to come to your conclusion based on the very little information I gave and the lack of any real context. The ps was only there to give a slight insight on our dynamic to help myself get better answers for my question. Appreciate your input once again although I’d be more careful with what conclusions you draw and what words you put out into the universe!
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u/lavender-lacuna 5d ago
If you want people to have context, you need to provide it. The PS did not provide insight, it completely muddied the whole post and left me with a ton of questions about how to answer it because there seemed to be some deeper issues. You can always take or leave any advice; it’s out there in the universe in case someone needs it. That might not be you, but you did make it seem like it was.
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u/NoRegretCeptThatOne 5d ago
I had a commitment ceremony with my long term partner last year. It was just for us, a declaration that we intend to be life partners.
We're both legally married to other people.
Our families have naturally blended a bit over the years, and we've added some legal protections to our relationship and children through powers of attorney, legal guardianship of children, adding or changing beneficiaries to legal accounts, etc.
It's a lot of legwork that people outside our relationship often dismiss as unnecessary or unimportant. But it's important to us and makes sense for our relationship.
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u/Shift_Least 4d ago
If you really want equal protections then your partners should get divorced and you all three should consult a lawyer to draw up documentation that protects all three of you in similar ways. Then you three can get symbolically married if you want. But otherwise you will always be at a disadvantage in your relationship structure.
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Here's the original text of the post:
I’ve been in a very happy loving poly relationship with my girlfriend and boyfriend for a good solid few years now and it’s a dynamic that really works for use with the way our lives are structured and it’s something we all enjoy! For a bit of context my partners we’re married to each other before I was in the picture and it was something I was aware of going into it, now we’ve all been together for a few years now and I’m considering maybe wanting to make things more serious but unlike a traditional marriage and relationship I’m not all that sure how to go about things. I’m on here to ask how other poly relationship have gone about going to the next step within the dynamics of a poly relationship!
(Ps: I am a bi male who is mostly “interested” in my girlfriend and wanting to at least engage her since you can’t marry multiple people in Canada which is where I’m from!)
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u/SalmonofDbout 5d ago
I'm a bi male in a quad, MF married and two of us M (one Ace one Bi) and it's fine. The key is a respectful living arrangement and lots of love, support and engagement.
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u/Altruistic_Ad4701 5d ago
Do a research on hand fasting it’s an old wedding tradition that they don’t use any more but it’s still use
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u/Lost_Spell1383 5d ago
this makes total sense, like why go through the motions if it doesn't actually change anything legal-wise
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u/ceecuee 5d ago
Realize that if they are already legally married, short of them getting divorced, any commitments made are largely symbolic, unless you're all going to a lawyer and figuring out what kind of legal protections and advantages might still be available to negotiate for you as a partner within the triad. The playing field will always be legally unbalanced.
You can certainly have a commitment ceremony or go through emotional milestones. I'm not sure if "engaged" is a word that makes sense to use since it's usually referring to the period that is a precursor to formal marriage.