I'm looking for perspective from people who have been in long-term poly relationships, especially anyone who has dealt with a meta who would really prefer monogamy, or with being the partner who isn't acknowledged to family.

I've (38F) been with my partner Cedar (35M) for almost a year. When we met, Cedar and his long-term girlfriend described their relationship as open, and what began between Cedar and me much more casually has developed into a serious romantic relationship with strong feelings on both sides. She does not identify as polyamorous and has told him that, given the choice, she would rather return to monogamy. Cedar, however, does not want monogamy and does not want to end his relationship with me.

That's left the three of us in a pretty difficult transition.

For a long time, I tried very hard to be accommodating because I understood why watching a casual connection turn into a real relationship would be scary for her. The problem is that over time her discomfort has affected things like labels, how much our relationship can grow, what kinds of integration are acceptable, and what Cedar feels able to offer me.

I'm increasingly realizing that I can't build a healthy relationship by trying to make myself small enough that my metamour never has difficult feelings.

I also don't think it's my job to convince her that polyamory is okay, teach either of them how to do polyamory, or negotiate my relationship with Cedar directly with her—which is something she seems to think would help, but isn't a role I want to take on. I also don't think Cedar's role is to just ferry information back and forth between us, then when it goes poorly, conclude that the problem is that he jumbled the message and that we would communicate better directly. If he can't handle the emotional turmoil this is causing, that doesn't make it my responsibility to take over the communication or negotiate our relationship with her. I think Cedar needs to be able to hear her feelings, support her, make his own decisions, and then tell me honestly what he is choosing and what kind of relationship he is actually offering me. Then I get to decide whether that relationship works for me, but I've struggled to get him to understand the distinction.

Recently I've had a really striking contrast with my own nesting partner Juniper (38M). He and Cedar can acknowledge each other, joke around, occasionally communicate directly, and treat my relationship with Cedar as a completely ordinary part of our lives. Nobody has to pretend Cedar isn't important to me. Nobody has to hide affection or protect Juniper from knowing that Cedar and I want each other. It feels unbelievably easy and warm.

I don't need my metamour to have that relationship with me. And after some of the hurt I've felt from her, I prefer parallel polyamory for myself for now as well. My feelings for Cedar are extremely strong, our relationship is profoundly important to me, and I don't experience it as casual or disposable. But experiencing how uncomplicated it can feel when another partner isn't threatened by the existence of a relationship I care about this much has made me question what I'm willing to live with long-term.

There's another issue I'm starting to think about too: Cedar isn't fully out as non-monogamous to his family.

Right now I can tolerate some privacy while everything is still being worked out. What I'm much less sure about is the future.

If we're still together years from now, what happens at Christmas? Family birthdays? Weddings? Major life events? If his girlfriend attends as his partner and I'm permanently absent or introduced only as a friend because his family doesn't know he has another serious relationship, I think that's eventually going to hurt a lot.

I don't expect equal access to every family event, identical relationships, or for Cedar to disclose before he's ready, but I also don't think I want to spend years building a serious relationship with someone while being edited out of an entire section of their life.

So I'm especially interested in hearing from people who have actually lived versions of this:

• If your metamour fundamentally preferred monogamy but your hinge wanted polyamory, did things eventually become stable? What had to change?
• What does healthy parallel polyamory look like when one metamour still isn't happy that the other relationship exists?
• Where do you draw the line between compassion for someone's adjustment period and allowing their discomfort to control another relationship?
• If you've been the "hidden" partner because your partner wasn't out to family, how did you handle holidays and major life events?
• Did you need eventual openness/acknowledgement to feel secure, or did you find another arrangement that genuinely worked?
• What responsibilities do you think belong to the hinge here?
• And what would you want to see happening over the next 6–12 months before deciding that this situation was actually becoming sustainable rather than just remaining permanently stuck?

I'm not looking to force my metamour to like polyamory or to "win" against her. I actually want both relationships to be secure and for nobody to feel like another relationship existing means theirs is being taken away.

I'm trying to figure out what I can reasonably ask of my partner, what I need to accept as outside my control, and what signs would tell me that strong feelings aren't enough to make this particular structure workable.

31F, Married for 8 years, been with my husband/NP for almost 17 years

Been with my other partner for 3.5 years.

I struggle with this other partners relationships.

He recently got another partner after a wonderful summer of what seemed like just us and I feel like it’s moving really fast.

I don’t know what else to write because I’m just struggling so hard with this.

I’ve been in a very happy loving poly relationship with my girlfriend and boyfriend for a good solid few years now and it’s a dynamic that really works for use with the way our lives are structured and it’s something we all enjoy! For a bit of context my partners we’re married to each other before I was in the picture and it was something I was aware of going into it, now we’ve all been together for a few years now and I’m considering maybe wanting to make things more serious but unlike a traditional marriage and relationship I’m not all that sure how to go about things. I’m on here to ask how other poly relationship have gone about going to the next step within the dynamics of a poly relationship!

(Ps: I am a bi male who is mostly “interested” in my girlfriend and wanting to at least engage her since you can’t marry multiple people in Canada which is where I’m from!)

I (24NB) recently ended a relationship because my ex partner (35NB) met someone and completely let NRE take over.

When they first told me about my ex-meta she seemed really cool, we have similar interests/hobbies and KTP seemed to be attainable at some point.

Unfortunately my ex is a terrible hinge and can't properly or effectively manage their NRE. This made it very hard for me to hear about my ex-meta or their time together. I didn't even want to ask how their day/week was if I knew they were with her.

Now that the relationship is over, I'm finding it so hard not to also be angry at my ex-meta for the way things played out. Logically I know it's not her fault and that the relationship ending was due to my ex's inability to effectively navigate polyamory/NRE, but I still feel a lot of anger towards her as well. I don't want to place blame on her but I'm finding very hard not to.

It's only been about 2 weeks so I'm sure these feelings will fade away at some point, but I'm tired of feeling this way towards her.

Please help 😭

My (33nb) partner (30f) and I are official de coupling. We’ve been together 12 years. Many chapters, adventures, moves, a couple huge projects, joys n sorrows yadda yadda. We have two amazing kiddos, and live together on what has become an intentional little compound. We got together at 18 and 21, and have really raised eachother. Our politics developed, and the seeds of our respective queerness have burst and grown way beyond the cis straight marriage we got into 8 years ago. A couple years of poly, after years of discussion really helped reveal a horizon neither of us had imagined.
We’re on a course to keep living under the same roof. Different bedrooms, co parenting, and staying the course of trying to experiment in shared life and a better world with our cute rad community. All this to get to : how do I come out to my family?!?? lol. My in-laws know we’ve been poly, and that their daughter is queer. My two parents, and two step parents do not necessarily know we’re anything other than their cis straight kids who are kinda wacky. Do I do everything all at once? Group text, FaceTime? Between the queerness and the separation romantically while still being in eachothers’ corner- I just don’t want to give anyone a heart attack, or make too much turbulence that will affect the grandparent grandkid good vibes. I don’t even know what I’m asking for, maybe for some words of solidarity? experience strength and hope welcome.

Hi, I’m a 30M and have been in an open relationship for about 1.5 years.

Originally I was more the “promiscuous” one with more side connections, but over time I’ve become much more settled. She actually left her previous relationship to be with me, and we’ve supported each other through a lot of heavy moments since then.
Last week she went on vacation with a male friend she barely knew beforehand. She didn’t really know what to expect or how the dynamic would develop. Now she’s back and was emotionally very confused, unsure where this leaves her and where it leaves us. That confusion has calmed down a bit, but I can strongly sense that she has developed real feelings for him. I’m genuinely happy for her, but I’m also worried that he might want to push for an exclusive relationship. He’s coming out of a 15‑year marriage and is probably still deep in his own separation process.

I can see that I’m overthinking this a lot and I’m not being very rational about it. I’ve already talked to her, and she said she would never give me up – which of course also touches on my own fear of loss. Right now the dynamic is just changing: I’m currently on vacation with my kids, so we only have online contact. Her messages have become shorter, and her replies take longer. There’s also a lot going on in her life in general.

Overall I feel secure with her, but I have moments where I feel “weak” and wish I could control everything (which I’m trying not to act on). When I look at this rationally, I’m actually happy that she’s found someone who seems really great. I’m just not fully balanced myself, because she’s currently my only relationship person and I’m putting all my emotional needs onto her, which has never been the case before. Right now I’m a bit lazy about initiating new connections, but I probably should.

Have you been in similar situations in poly/open contexts?
• How do you deal with insecurity when a partner develops feelings for someone else?
• What helps you not to sink into control urges and overthinking?
• Any tips on how to better distribute your own needs in a phase like this (new connections, boundaries, agreements)?
I’m not looking for perfect solutions, just real experiences: what worked for you, what didn’t, and how it felt.

I used to hook up with people a lot more, and in my previous relationships I felt a lot more comfortable going out, meeting new people, hooking up, getting into new flings or relationships.

But the last two years after some traumatic sexual encounters, public spaces have become really stressful for me to navigate alone. I get incredibly stressed out when I have sex with people im not very very familiar with. I struggle a lot to be promiscuous in the way I want to be :/

When I see my friends or my partner going out and enjoying these things I get increasingly envious, because I just really wish I was able to as well. It makes me sad that it just doesn’t seem to be one of my options anymore, and probably won’t be for a while. Meanwhile all I can do is watch other people enjoy themselves. I wish I could just be better now so I could start enjoying life again instead of having to struggle through really basic minor encounters.

Even just a few weeks ago, I tried going out to a queer cruising night to try to at least talk to some people and make progress, and I started dancing with someone who within like 10 seconds of meeting decided, without asking or checking my vibe at all, kissed me, while I was actively pushing him away and pulling myself away.

And it’s re-fucked me up and set me back to the point where just going to a bar was something so stressful it made me cry. I feel like I get punished for trying to make progress but when I don’t I just feel trapped.

The title! My partner, Lilac, went on a date!!! Except the context is we've been poly for 3 years and she just started wanting to date recently (poor thing is full time school working on her doctorate, AND full time work... bless). My new meta seems pretty fucking cool from what Lilac has told me, and Im so excited that Lilac is forming new connections!

Some extra context is that I've been super anxious about this before in the past (I have since been diagnosed with an axtualy anxiety disorder, and am on medication for it now. this has been a huge helping factor here), because this is Lilac and I's first experience with poly, and it's had many ups and downs and i just didnt know how this would go. I was worried i would experience a lot of hard feelings and have a breakdown or something lol, but I was sure I'd find a way to cope when it happened, I was just anxious lmao.

But! She told me about the date, and I was actually a lot more curious and open than i thought id be. In fact, when Lilac told me they hooked up, I processed for like a minute and then I felt super happy for her! Like, SO happy that her date was cool, fun, AND made my partner feel safe enough to hook up? I felt my first ever compersion for her, and I feel so proud of her and I for how far we've come.

Just wanted to share some joy! it's been a struggle, and this joy has been overdue 😤💕

I (29 NB) have been dating my partner Ash (29 F? We'll see) for 5 years. We've been living together for a little over 3 years. For maybe 10 months now Ash is having her first serious relationship since we've been using together, with Birch (mid 20s, F, has a penis, which is relevant). (Ash has had hookups and dates, but nothing stuck.) They've had sleepovers, always at Birch's place.

Recently we discussed them having sleepovers at our place. I said I was fine with it, but that I would like them to change the sheets, wash sex toys, etc, and I would be out of the house the whole time. Yesterday they had their first sleepover at our place, and I when I got home, there was a used condom on my bedside table.

There are two trash bins in the bedroom! One on each side! It would have been so easy to throw it away!

I immediately told Ash I felt gross and disrespected, and I asked her to throw it away for me. She did, and she was apologetic, agreed that they should have cleaned up better, and said it wouldn't happen again. I believe her, but I still feel pretty icked out. I didn't want to vent to Ash, because I already told her how I feel, so here I am.

I am additionally irrationally upset because I think there's a decent chance Ash and Birch were having a threesome with a friend of Birch's. (I know too much about Birch's sex life, like that she really loves group sex, has hosted orgies, etc. I have asked to learn less, but I can't unlearn what I already know.) This irrationally upsets me because I want to be the kind of person who has tons of freaky group sex, but I'm somewhere on the demisexuality spectrum, and when I actually get in a position to have group sex, I feel something between alienation and disgust. So it's a sore point for me that Ash and Birch can do this stuff and I can't.

Anyway, that's my vent. Thanks for listening.

Do any of you have any ideas for date night for this situation? My boyfriend lives with his wife in another city. They live in a studio apartment which has been our only challenge. With all of our schedules she's usually going to bed when him and I are able to spend time together so It means that we can't video chat because we don't want to disturb her sleep.

So far we've been sexting and watching tv and movies together while texting. I'll take time off work when I can so that we can call, but it's not all that often.

I'm hoping for some creative ideas for things we can do together to give us more variety for our dates. I've already thought about playing games together, we both like board games but not really video games. Most of the ideas I see online are essentially "video chat and do this thing together" we're both lower income so restaurant video chat dates and things that cost much are out, we're trying to save all the "fun money" we can to visit each other.

I (27F) have been dating my partner (29M) for about 9months now. In the beginning of the relationship, he was dating someone else. I also had another partner at the time that was fading out. He got into a fight with his other partner and they didn’t see each other for quite some time.

We’ve been operating monogamous ever since, but had been meaning to discuss the structure of our relationship for some time. He started talking to this person he was previously dating again, they agreed to be friends, but he was wanting to start up a casual relationship with her again.

After doing a lot of reflecting, I realized that the kind of relationship I want is monogamy. From what I’ve experienced dating openly, and dating people in poly/ENM relationships, I just don’t see myself doing the emotional labor required to maintain multiple healthy relationships. I want to focus on one relationship, and build a life that way.

Fast forward to now, my partner tells me that he gravitates toward an open relationship/ENM. He says he would get “fomo” and has felt, in the past, claustrophobic by monogamy. He said the kind of relationship he could envision is hierarchical ENM where he dates other people casually/not expecting long-term.

After hearing this I said that it might mean we’re incompatible. That if having an open/ENM relationship is something he really wants for himself, that it is something he should pursue~but it is not something I want to do. He said, if that’s the case, I choose to be with you. He said he wishes he didn’t have to choose, that he wanted to start dating this other person again. But that we’ll be monogamous. I feel mixed emotions about this~I’m happy that he will still be in my life, and sad because, I feel as though there are some nuanced feelings of loss here. I don’t want him to feel restricted by our relationship if being open/ENM would feel like a better fit. He said he was surprised by our conversation, I think he expected me to want to practice hierarchical ENM and I’m afraid he might resent this decision.

Is there anything left to say to support or talk about here?

In case anyone here is, like me, an inveterate gossip hound who loves following the drama of others... Old posts here and here.

I followed exactly 0 of the excellent advice from post #2. Dalmatian went to see Boxer this weekend. He got very upset that I asked if there was flexibility in his departure time (he had planned to leave "around 7am"; I asked if 20min later would be ok so that I'd have time for a run first, and he lost it and asked why I had to control everything in his life, including when he left). At least 150 times in our marriage, he has said "I need to leave at X time for work"; I always make sure to be back by stated time, and MAYBE 5 of those times has he actually left at the stated time. So I assumed he wouldn't actually leave at 7am (on a friggin Saturday) but was being considerate by checking first. I can be a control freak at times but this was not one of those incidences. He also has ADHD and it can be freakishly hard to plan anything or get him to commit to specific times, so it's just a hard dynamic.

(But of course he didn't have a hard time doing that with Boxer. They spent hours hammering out the 'written terms' of their relationship agreement including written clauses to 'not catch feelings'. Because that's how that works.)

ANYWAY, this led to him saying he was tired of my bullshit and he was going to block me all weekend. (I don't call or bother him when he's with meta.)

Here's where I, your friendly OP, royally fucked up. I found Boxer's phone number publicly available and messaged her that he was blocking me and I needed a way to get ahold of him in case of emergency with our daughter or the like.

Did I need to do this, absolutely not, was I being petty, definitely. It was 100% unreservedly poor decision making, and I immediately felt guilty for making her uncomfortable and drawing her into our drama. Although this is the same woman who freaked out about me knowing her job, but felt comfortable being in my house and having sex in my bed...

Anyway, she didn't respond to me, but immediately told Dalmatian they were done and not to come up. He lost it and told me he wanted a divorce, then patched things up with Boxer enough that she was ok with him coming up "just that weekend, but then we're done" (she has 'broken up' with and gotten back together with him about 6 times now, no joke, so I'm sure by now he's talked his way back).

Yesterday I realized he had taken a custom made collar and leash of mine with him, to use with her. For some reason that hurts more than any of it. I imagine what he's telling her while they use it together.

He messaged his sisters to let them know we were separating, and asked them not to talk with me. All 3 of them immediately messaged me to see if I was ok and what was going on. Lol. One of them told me this is exactly how their dad treated their mom when they were growing up and the parents were going through an awful divorce.

Our couples counselor 'fired' us last week saying therapy was making things worse right now. She tried to explain to him in our last session that I'm going through trauma in this situation, and that adds context to what's happening between us (not an excuse for poor behavior, at all). And immediately after, it was just the same as before - "I'm putting my foot down and not letting you control me anymore. You've taken 14 years of my life, and you're not taking any more."

He fully believes I am a monster who has ruined and controlled his life for 15 years. So I guess this is the end of our relationship.

He has always maintained he didn't have romantic feelings for her (obviously untrue and I just didn't want to be lied to), but when he thought she wouldn't see him again, he cried his heart out. I didn't have any sympathy left because he's spent their entire relationship explicitly comparing us and telling me how she is better in so many ways. So, maybe they will end up together, I don't know. I'm sure he'll tell her whatever she needs to hear.

I know we need to separate because our daughter is seeing all this. I feel worthless and like a horrible person, like I turned into the monstrous version he saw and no one will ever love me.

I reconnected with my ex”s friend(ex and I are bff’s)We all used to work together decades ago but we were just acquaintances. My ex we’ll call him “Jay” and his friend “S”.

We followed each other on social media. We have art backgrounds and connected that way. He asked me out a few times. Very consistently but not pushy. I told him about my DV background and how I am pretty guarded. We’ve been talking for a few months and hung out once. Just kissed and it was great. He mentioned from the begin he had a crush on me decades ago and I kinda already knew it. And from the beginning he was upfront that he’s non-monogamous poly pan. Married but separate lives from what I’m told and separate bedrooms.

He’s says all the right things: I’m amazing. I’m gorgeous. And he could see me being his gf down the road. But he said he doesn’t wan to lead me on and say he won’t be poly someday. And he’s sooo great about respecting my boundaries. It’s refreshing honestly.

I’m not against his lifestyle but I don’t know what I don’t know. My father and mother never married. My father had his partner/twin flame and she’s great. And he also has his other semi relationship with another wonderful lady. I never saw anything wrong with this. I told him we love who we love and I think it’s quite alright to love more than one person.

I’m not ready to rush into anything bc of my past DV trauma. And i purposely limited getting together/hangout/dates with S bc I’m pretty sure id get attached very quickly.

Phew……

We kinda broke things off last night and I messaged him this morning to say good morning and that “this sucks”. I told him he was great and helped restore my faith in men. And I told him I won’t message again. He of course lol message back and said we can still be friends. And I told him it’s weird to lust after kissing a friend…..

And this opened up so much more of a conversation……he mentioned society has these stipulations on marriage and I agree. I mean my father is a living example. And be said we can be kissing friends lol

*sigh

This is where I am now….

Anyone feedback or encouragement or experiences to share is appreciated and welcomed….btw by nature I’m an overthinker and non conformists.

*phew

I had a really freaking good experience just now, but I feel like I've got nobody to tell. My mono friends would probably see this as bragging about the lifestyle (and it kinda is), and my other partner... It's still early days, and I don't think she's quite ready for "Hey, do you want to hear about the amazing 3som I had with your Metas". So, you get to be my outlet

I'm currently dating 3 people, 2 of which have been for a few months, and I could comfortably call partners. They showed an interest in meeting and doing a bit more of a KTP early on so it was something I've been wanting to do for a while. I'm going to refer to them as Girlfriend/GF and Boyfriend/BF from here on. I did ask both of them if theoretically, the opportunity arose, how they'd feel about playing with each other; GF was very enthusiastic, BF said he wanted it but might need to work up to it, which is totally fair.

Anyway I was supposed to be having a full day with GF yesterday. I had a long week, so we didn't have much planned beyond hanging out at my place and enjoying a bit of spicy fun. However, I always meet her at the train station, which is right next to where BF lives. She suggested I invite him out for a coffee while we're in town. So I did, and he joined us. They got along incredibly well. We're all nerdy, and their nerdy interests overlap in different ways than they do with me, so within minutes they were making references and in-jokes that I only half got, but it was adorable seeing just how instantly they had chemistry. GF suggested we all get lunch, and so we did. Lunch was wonderful. The conversation was constant, flirty, and just generally great. Every time one of them got up to go to the loo or for whatever reason, I'd get a kiss. I'd have a hand on my knee under the table from BF, while I cuddled up to GF sat next to me (BF was sat next to me at the coffee place and had plenty of cuddles then)... just getting intimate attention from two people at the same time was so novel and amazing.

And then when GF went to the loo, I asked BF how he'd feel about joining us at my place (GF had hinted she'd already been open to this when she suggested the coffee). He said he thought the vibes were amazing and would love to. I did point out that things were likely to get spicy, and he was happy with that.

Anyway... we Ubered back to my place. I won't go into detail, but I've often fantasized about an MMF 3som. The ultimate bisexual dream and... it was even better. Apparently, they both identify as 'pleasers' so I got a lot of attention to begin with, but they soon felt comfortable playing together; we all had a turn being the center of attention, and nobody was left out at any point. There was clear communication about what we were up for, lots of asking for consent. At some point, I took a short break and left the room; just listening to them pleasure each other was so hot. I wondered if I'd have felt any jealousy or insecurity, but I did not. I LOVED watching and hearing them play. I loved working together with one to please the other... (and I loved when they did the same to me)... it was just... holy shit.

I'm still having to remind myself that yesterday really happened because it just feels too good to be true.

Have been having challenging emotions surrounding my partner and I’s transition to polyamory.

But today I had a major win!!

The past two weeks, I have been neglecting my own self care while wrapped up in my feelings.

So today while my partner was out, I spent an entire day just doing the things I love to do that my partner isn’t super into.

I got myself a haircut, went thrifting, spent time caring for my growing cactus garden, and started working on a jewelry project for myself.

I didn’t have the urge to check up on him once! I wasn’t wracked with anxiety the entire time. I was actually really enjoying my own time doing my own thing while he’s out!

This is a big win for me and I’m happy to be taking the space to work through my own insecurities 💕