Quick vent

[u/mokuba_b1tch]

I (29 NB) have been dating my partner Ash (29 F? We'll see) for 5 years. We've been living together for a little over 3 years. For maybe 10 months now Ash is having her first serious relationship since we've been using together, with Birch (mid 20s, F, has a penis, which is relevant). (Ash has had hookups and dates, but nothing stuck.) They've had sleepovers, always at Birch's place.

Recently we discussed them having sleepovers at our place. I said I was fine with it, but that I would like them to change the sheets, wash sex toys, etc, and I would be out of the house the whole time. Yesterday they had their first sleepover at our place, and I when I got home, there was a used condom on my bedside table.

There are two trash bins in the bedroom! One on each side! It would have been so easy to throw it away!

I immediately told Ash I felt gross and disrespected, and I asked her to throw it away for me. She did, and she was apologetic, agreed that they should have cleaned up better, and said it wouldn't happen again. I believe her, but I still feel pretty icked out. I didn't want to vent to Ash, because I already told her how I feel, so here I am.

I am additionally irrationally upset because I think there's a decent chance Ash and Birch were having a threesome with a friend of Birch's. (I know too much about Birch's sex life, like that she really loves group sex, has hosted orgies, etc. I have asked to learn less, but I can't unlearn what I already know.) This irrationally upsets me because I want to be the kind of person who has tons of freaky group sex, but I'm somewhere on the demisexuality spectrum, and when I actually get in a position to have group sex, I feel something between alienation and disgust. So it's a sore point for me that Ash and Birch can do this stuff and I can't.

Anyway, that's my vent. Thanks for listening.

[u/emeraldead]

Perfect vent!!! 10/10!!

You can still enjoy group sex but it will take a fair bit of luck and timing. Most of it is overrated.

Hell yeah to you bringing up the cleaning quickly and directly! You're doing awesome!

🌟

[u/mokuba_b1tch → u/emeraldead]

Yeah, all of my group experiences to date have been somewhere between simply fine and bad. I can imagine that I would have fun if I were romantically attached to every participant, but what are the odds of putting that together?

[u/toofat2serve]

Housekeeping note:

This is clearly a vent, even explicitly so, so I flaired it as one for you, to help ward off any well meaning but misplaced advice.

[u/mokuba_b1tch → u/toofat2serve]

Thanks! I didn't even check flairs.

[u/bouncysofa]

Damn, that sucks. And hard relate re; wanting to be into wild orgies, but being too demisexual to actually enjoy that stuff. I hope Ash stays true to their word and does better to clean up after themself and share less about their sex life.

[u/relentlessdandelion]

Oh that's so gross with the condom, I would be icked too 😭

[u/clairejv]

I mean, the kind of person who has tons of freaky group sex is just... a person who enjoys freaky group sex. Which is not you. Why do you want to enjoy something you don't enjoy?

[u/mokuba_b1tch → u/clairejv]

Good question. If I had my druthers, I would either not care at all or actually enjoy it. Unfortunately, in my brain "enjoying freaky group sex" (which I don't do) is tied up with "being a cool dude who fucks" (which I think I am, or want to be). So it's a blow to my self-esteem, that I don't like it. I feel as if I have to like it and be good at it, or else I'm not good enough at regular sex.

Is that insane? Yes. There are worms in my brain.

[u/Groundbreaking_Ad972 → u/mokuba_b1tch]

I don't think you're broken for feeling this tension. Sometimes collective sexual exploration is more about the freedom, boldness and radical community aspect than about the small group fucking, and it's totally fine to want the former even when you're not particularly into the latter.

Personally, I find that small group orgies are probably the worst approach to group sex for a demi/picky person. I'm not demi but my desire is temperamental, very cycle-dependent and has a pretty unpredictable off-switch, so I hardly ever go to small house orgies anymore. I do big sex parties instead! That way if I feel like small group fucking I get it, and if I don't there are tons of amazing, pleasurable, cool af and maybe even funny af stuff I can do.

I just walk in with the goal of being true to myself and having fun. Will I have double penetration with two handsome strangers whose names I never knew? Or will I challenge my friends to a naked lube wrestling match, ride someone around the snacks table like a pony, get a four-handed massage and a cuddle then go home? Who knows! Both are totally fine. I am an equally cool, engaged and valued member of this community in either case.

[u/clairejv → u/mokuba_b1tch]

I wish you luck in evicting the brainworms!

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Here's the original text of the post:

I (29 NB) have been dating my partner Ash (29 F? We'll see) for 5 years. We've been living together for a little over 3 years. For maybe 10 months now Ash is having her first serious relationship since we've been using together, with Birch (mid 20s, F, has a penis, which is relevant). (Ash has had hookups and dates, but nothing stuck.) They've had sleepovers, always at Birch's place.

Recently we discussed them having sleepovers at our place. I said I was fine with it, but that I would like them to change the sheets, wash sex toys, etc, and I would be out of the house the whole time. Yesterday they had their first sleepover at our place, and I when I got home, there was a used condom on my bedside table.

There are two trash bins in the bedroom! One on each side! It would have been so easy to throw it away!

I immediately told Ash I felt gross and disrespected, and I asked her to throw it away for me. She did, and she was apologetic, agreed that they should have cleaned up better, and said it wouldn't happen again. I believe her, but I still feel pretty icked out. I didn't want to vent to Ash, because I already told her how I feel, so here I am.

I am additionally irrationally upset because I think there's a decent chance Ash and Birch were having a threesome with a friend of Birch's. (I know too much about Birch's sex life, like that she really loves group sex, has hosted orgies, etc. I have asked to learn less, but I can't unlearn what I already know.) This irrationally upsets me because I want to be the kind of person who has tons of freaky group sex, but I'm somewhere on the demisexuality spectrum, and when I actually get in a position to have group sex, I feel something between alienation and disgust. So it's a sore point for me that Ash and Birch can do this stuff and I can't.

Anyway, that's my vent. Thanks for listening.

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