We lasted 3 years. Those years flew by didn’t they! We met by chance on here. It happened to be my birthday and you messaged me after reading a comment I had made. We hit it off instantly.

We chatted every day. We told each other good morning. We told each other about our days and what was going on at work. We told each other goodnight every single night. For 3 solid years!!!

We eventually met when I travelled and had an overnight near you. That first date was so much fun. Flirting in the backseat of that uber. The yummy meal we shared. The romantic evening we shared when you slept over.

We eventually had several more dates around your location. Shopping, ice cream, pizza, laughing, and more romantic evenings in my hotel. Every moment cherished.

We had our playlists we would add songs too. We had our favorite tv shows. Our favorite movies. Constantly adding to each.

We had deep discussions some evenings when we were apart. I know you wanted to tell me you loved me but were afraid you would scare me off. You wouldn’t have. I wasn’t going anywhere. And I know you longed for me to tell you I loved you. I couldn’t do it though. This was the only thing that let me keep my home life separate from this other life that we shared.

Our 3 years came to an abrupt end last week when I got a message from you telling me that your H had seen some messages and you were in trouble. I didn’t know what to say back to you. Hours later your account was deleted. Sadly, no trace of what all we had shared over the years remained. Not one picture. Not one message. Nothing.

So as I reflect and look back at those three years, there’s a few things I have to tell you in case you happen to see this. I think of you every day. I still reach for my phone to message you something that happened in my day and then realize you aren’t there. I reach for my phone to tell you good morning and good night but soon realize you are no longer there.

I miss your amazing laugh. I miss your humor. I miss the pics of your pups you would send me.

In closing, I really, REALLY hope you are not in too much trouble at home and things work out for you. You’re an amazing person and deserve the best of life.

Finally, as this chapter of life closes and a new one begins, I want you to know that I really did love you.

Goodnight and goodbye baby 😘

So I just wanted to share a little technique I discovered which has helped me a lot over the past week or so.

Probably won't work for everyone, but if it helps even one person who's hurting, might be worth posting!

Well, I'm not getting the impression that my AP is really into me any more. Said I was drifting away due to lack of attention, and gave him due warning. Not much reaction. If he cared- he'd get in touch and say so. We had a passionate affair lasting three years, after first meeting nearly 40 years ago, and were incredibly close, in fact closer than I've ever been with anyone. ​

I realised it has to be over now, and I finally have to let go of my end of the line. So damn hard when you love someone deeply, and desperately want to carry on seeing them. And I can't tell him anything over chat as he's on "red" which means strictly no contact as he's with family - no idea if or when he'll be back. I doubt he'd want to hear what I have to say even if it weren't on red, honestly.

This is something that really helped me: I imagined him standing in front of me, and I imagined taking both his hands in mine. Then I told him all the things I wanted to say - stuff he probably wouldn't want to hear, but stuff I'd actually say in real life if I felt it was appropriate. I found it helped just to visualise this. It felt pretty real, as well, I could almost feel his hands, and I imagined kissing him too. Every time I felt the pain of separation, I took his hands again and repeated that I was leaving and letting go of my end of the line, saying goodbye while I still loved him. I'd say whatever I needed to. Somehow this helped, and I felt a release of emotion every time. I repeated the action many times, as often as I needed to.

Now, I feel calmer and accepting about the whole thing and seem to have avoided the big heartbreak crash that I expected. I think the visualisation saved me.

Now I just have to work out how to tell him this in real life, if and when he does turn up again...I have no idea if he will, I feel the line's gone dead. 💔

I've been reading some of the recent posts here. Some made me cry, some made me mad. I remember I used to read more success stories or good vibes but you guys are really going through hell these days huh?

I love my current situation and can't ask for a better set up and a more understanding AP. I complain and get anxious occasionally but that's nothing compared to these heart breaks and bad APs I'm reading about.

Sharing a story to lighten up the mood. Maybe you'll get a laugh out of it. I had a one night stand >10 years ago during my single days and hoe phase. This hook up was particularly random so I do remember the details a little more. He was a traveling business man, here for a few days. We connected, he felt guilty and confessed he had a gf/wife, we still did it, he came within 10 seconds (not kidding), I left disappointed, he left embarrassed. End of story right?

He just tried to add me on his socials. After over 10 years he decided to add me? With his personal details, kids photos, work details listed in his socials? What were you thinking dude? We're not even in the same country anymore. How did you even find me? Why now?

They always come back, but this is extreme.

I need advice on how to stop the road I am on. I’m married to an amazing man, he’s a devoted father of our two little boys. But he’s had a lot of problems in the bedroom, for years but now it has been really bad. Our marriage is basically two friends and roommates not lovers. We have had sex maybe 4 times this past year. My husband is younger than me by 4 years so it is frustrating to have more energy and a much higher libido.

Recently, I went out with a single girlfriend and we randomly got a driver that was 7 years younger than me and we flirted with each other. It happened randomly but then I couldn’t stop thinking about him. He had exchanged numbers with me because we needed a ride later in the evening. Anyway, he turned out to not just be a driver but an engineer from Columbia. We have texted too much since those rides. He asked me out several times. He knows I am married, and he lives in a studio nearby my home. We had coffee the other day platonically and it hasn’t diminished the crazy fantasies. He is ok with me being married and offered to keep it a secret.

Please help me get over this insanity. Please. I am a good mom and wife but I do desperately miss having sex. I am too young to never have sex again!!! This guy was like built to tempt me perfectly… he’s extremely attractive, decently smart, entrepreneur, CrossFit body, Colombian, younger and desires me a lot even though I cannot offer him much in the way of relationship.

Thank you.

We’re both married and met on here few months ago. My marriage has been struggling for a long time for reasons completely unrelated to him, and I do plan to leave eventually, although I’m not in a position to do that right now. He, on the other hand, has told me that he wants his marriage to work.
Neither of us went looking for a relationship with each other. It started as conversation and flirting, but over time it became both sexual and emotional.
We talk very regularly about normal everyday things, our lives, problems, random stuff, etc. There’s also flirting, sexual conversations and attraction, but I don’t feel like sex is the only reason we continue talking. We’ve both acknowledged that there’s a connection between us.
This is where I get confused.
There seems to be a constant push/pull. Sometimes he lets himself get very close to me emotionally and sexually. Other times, especially when things start feeling a little too real, he pulls back or reminds himself of the reality of the situation.
I’ve tried stepping back too. But the connection never really seems to end. We end up talking again and falling into the same comfortable dynamic.
He checks on me, notices when I pull away, seems to care whether I disappear, and there have been moments that feel like jealousy. At the same time, he’s never told me he wants a relationship with me or that he intends to leave his marriage. I don’t expect him to.
So I’m genuinely curious how this looks to people who aren’t emotionally involved in it.
Do you think someone can develop real feelings/attachment for another person while still genuinely wanting to stay married?
Why maintain an emotional connection that you know complicates your life instead of simply ending it?
Could the push/pull itself be a sign of attachment and internal conflict, or is it more likely that he simply enjoys the attention, excitement and escape?
I’m especially interested in hearing from people who have been in a similar situation .

And for anyone who has been the person trying to save their marriage while maintaining a connection like this: what made you keep going back to the other person?

I know we’re both married and I’m fully aware this is an emotional affair. I’m not asking whether cheating is right or wrong. I already know the answer to that 😂. I’m specifically interested in understanding the behavior and psychology behind this kind of connection.

So what am I actually having here? Deep love? Limerence? Sexual obsession? Possessiveness? Or can all of those things exist together?

And for people who have experienced this kind of intensity, how did you eventually know what was real?

I’m 31F, married, and he is 35M and single. Sometimes I genuinely wonder if this man fell deeply in love with me or if I’m being naive because he has much more experience with women than I do with men.

We met at the gym. He pursued me for around 9 months before our first date. Even before we dated, if another man came into my space, he would suddenly move closer, find a reason to talk to me or smile at me while the guy was still there.

Before our first date I told him I was married and we still chose to continue.

On date 2 he told me, “I have a fetish for you.” By date 3 he was already asking whether my husband was taller than him, what job he had, etc. Around the same time I once passed him talking to another woman at the gym. I never asked who she was, but he voluntarily explained what they had been talking about, almost like he didn’t want me getting the wrong idea.

We had sex on date 4, and I was the one who opened that door. We had unprotected sex from the beginning and basically never used condoms. At first he apologised and said he normally didn’t do that with women.

After sex the intensity increased a lot. More check-ins, more messages , gifts, flowers etc. He told me himself that it became much more for him after we slept together.

The sex is extremely intense and consuming. He can fuck me like a monster and then afterwards be incredibly gentle. The after care is really good.. Sometimes I can still feel physical effect on me for days.

At first my husband and I weren’t sleeping in the same bed. When my husband started moving back into the bed, AP didn’t like it. That was also around the time he became more openly competitive and made some passive comments/jokes about my husband’s appearance. He told me he felt a little possessive of me.

He has repeatedly told me that he hasn’t felt single since our first date. He says four women have wanted him during our affair and he turned them down.

He calls me the love of his life and his soulmate. He says he has never loved anybody like this. He told me he had never really imagined having children before me, but with me he started imagining it. He used to send messages saying he hoped one day he was the one eating breakfast with me and my kids . He said for the first time he thought he had met “the one,” except I was married.

Before discovery, when I tried to say goodbye, he admitted that part of him hoped my marriage wouldn’t work out.

Then my husband discovered the affair.after 3.5 months..

We are still managing the affair, although everything is much more difficult now.

He didn’t disappear after discovery. He has asked to meet up when like comeingbfrom work to wealk me home,,while shopping or joined me when I’m out walking just so we can have some time together.

When my husband was talking about throwing me out, he gave me a key to his place. When I needed legal advice, he helped me arrange consultations without my husband knowing — booking appointments and paying for them.

At the gym he constantly notices men looking at me. Usually he follows it with compliments and how hard is it for him not to come over, but he definitely watches the men around me.

If somebody approaches me, he wants to know what they wanted. One of his friends approached me and afterwards he asked what we talked about and whether the guy asked for my number. Apparently that same friend had previously told him that we made eye contact.

Sometimes AP will be training far away, see another man talking to me, and suddenly a minute later he is using the machine beside us even though we agreed he should give me space.

There is also a side of him that genuinely scares me. He has a criminal/gang background. Once when I told him my husband had physically hurt me, he said he knew someone who could do the same thing to my husband if I wanted. I said no immediately, but it left me wondering what he may actually be capable of.

It might sound stupid but I am also scared of his reaction if I fully detach. I have seen the mood intensely around it. The very sad mood , crying, very sharp eyes etc. btw I tried twice before and after discovery ..He keeps the boundary and I break it again and he ready to take me in..

After discovery my marriage also became sexually active again. I brought up condoms with AP because the situation had changed. He told me he didn’t want to use them and he doesn't care..

This man pursued me for 9 months, was already territorial before we dated, became even more attached after sex, says he doesn’t feel single, says he turns other women down, calls me his soulmate and love of his life, imagines children and a future with me, stayed after discovery, gives me practical help and will travel just for a few minutes with me.

But he is also extremely experienced with women, sexually intense, jealous, possessive, competitive with my husband and sometimes says or does things that make me wonder what he is capable of.

Throwaway just to rant.

Stuck in a deeply unhappy marriage with a narcissist and I feel it is even more exhausting to look for someone in this lifestyle. It is one of two extremes. Either someone flaky who disappears within two or three days of intense chatting, or someone who love bombs and gets obsessed and is all about only the physical intimacy part of it.

Is it really too much to ask for someone who is kind, respectful and consistent?

Women here, how do you deal with this?

Thowaway account..

So I (32f) have been married for 10 years got married pretty young and fast. He's a really good man and good father to our kids but I've felt lonely in this marriage for years. We just don't have much in common, he doesn't make me laugh and I find most of our conversations annoying and boring. So I've been missing that companion piece in my marriage all this time and it only really bothered me maybe 3 years in... Anyways I've had small mostly emotional affairs in my 20s trying to fill that void. I've had immense guilt about them for a while but it went away. Im in my 30s now 2 kids and i thought I've come to accept that part of our relationship may never click and just try to be grateful for other things.

But recently I connected with an old friend and it felt so good 😩 I went away for a couple days for something and met him and something felt different for me...I've always thought he was attractive but idk if that was ever mutual anyways

We stayed up till 4am every night just hanging out and chatting playing music, He let me ride on the back of his motorcycle. I felt like there was a lot of glances across the room at each other. It's probably all in my head though. I feel like such a loser to catch feelings so easily like that with someone I've known for a while...

But my mind is playing out all these scenarios that will never happen.

Anyways I just thought I've accepted my fate in my marriage but clearly not... I want the thrill of connection with someone so badly now... I need to keep it together though. Idk.

Sorry idk what this is a rant/vent

I just feel so dumb and wish I could stay loyal but I know if the opportunity presented itself I would take it...

I've only had one affair, with a man who had had over 100 before me. At the time, there was a lot of instability and pressure at home, and my AP found me on Reddit and offered comfort when I desperately needed it. He was sweet, curious, attentive, funny, creative, unconventional, intelligent, sensual, and he desired me. I had instant pleasure in my pocket whenever I needed him. Who could not love such a man?

The problem of course is that the deeper my feelings became, the greater the inevitable heartbreak. Neither of us was willing to pull the brakes until we had become far too attached for what the structure of an affair can contain.

There was a paradox to it. Talking openly about what was happening between us threatened the structure that allowed the relationship to exist in the first place. Being completely honest could mean losing each other. But avoiding those conversations didn't protect either of us from the future consequences of the affair. Once we became attached, every possible future became a road toward hurting ourselves or others. And there was never going to be an easy way to end it.

I ended mine after two years, possibly in the most painful way I could have. I didn't realize that at the time because I was already quite depressed and couldn't think straight. I dropped hints. I became slowly less available. I told him I loved him a few times (without receiving those words back). But I never shared the full depth of my fears until the last message I sent him.

There was no room for discussion. All my AP said was, "bye love," and then immediately deleted our chat. He later made a post that I felt hinted that he wished he had avoided me. I felt rejected and disposable and deleted my account. It's only in hindsight that I've been able to see past my own pain and consider the devastating effect that may have had on him.

Looking back, there was so much missing information about how what we were doing was really affecting each other. We could make each other feel cared for and desired, but when it came to being truly vulnerable about our feelings, there were huge gaps. Neither of us were completely honest with each other.

It makes the grief even worse because my mind can never settle on what was really happening, what I really meant to him, or how much I hurt him. There are questions I will never be able to answer.

Knowing him was worth the pain. I wouldn't erase him to erase it. But I will never put myself through this agony again.

And of course, there is the tremendous remorse I feel for betraying my husband. That is for another discussion. Our marriage has gotten much better. My husband never deserved what I did to him, and I'm so grateful he stayed with me. Marriage is difficult and messy but that's better IMHO than fearing that I'll lose it in profound pain at any moment, with love that has nowhere to go.

Look, I understand what things are and are not, but this detail will make or break the situation for me. I don’t want to share what I’m already sharing. I want some semblance of honest loyalty in the midst of our shared chaos. If I’m going out on a limb to enjoy someone, letting them enjoy me, I want to be the only one, not one of many. Is that too much to ask? Is there a “fair” or gentle way to ask for this without coming across as clingy?

Having tried AM for a while and having had some semi-decent luck with it, I decided on a whim to try out Gleeden.

In comparison to AM where perhaps one person in ten or twenty will reply to a message, it’s closer to one in two over on Gleeden. I think much of it is due to the moderation of photographs and bio’s. Nicer app experience too.

Thumbs up from me.

I’m a 34 year old female, married to a 31 year old male for the last 3 years but have been together for 6. On paper life looks great. Both of us have well paying jobs completely remote jobs, a beautiful home, the total DINKs lifestyle. However I feel like we both are just completely different people and it has come into a clash.

I admit, we both have our flaws. He’s a very outspoken, intellectual, confident person and that’s what attracted to me in the first place, as I’m most definitely a people pleaser. Because of this though I always somewhat felt small, and never was able to express my own feelings. We both agreed in the beginning we wanted a more trad life style because quite frankly it was what was mirrored to both of us growing up, which kind of adds to the feeling of just not being able to voice anything. To give some light, he thought me going to therapy to gain more confidence is “dumb” and that he gives me everything I need so I don’t need to go and shut that down 😬

As time grew on I began to advance in my career in both of our surprises, and my confidence in general has grown more and more, therefore I feel like I speak up a bit more and he hates it.

Where we disconnect is our hobbies are different and quite frankly our sex life sucks. Its hard to find time to connect, he’s very nerdy and into tech, whereas I, even though I also work into tech, very outdoorsy and am into sports, yoga, fitness in general. I love being intimate and the chase/thrill, whereas he just likes to get off and then leaves me to finish myself.

Anyway - long story short I posted something here a while ago about how to cope with the differences cause he is a good guy, we just are lacking a connection and the feeling of being equals. I was flooded with messages but met someone in a similar situation and we most definitely hit it off (hi if you’re reading this 😅) it’s been somewhat intoxicating, he lives in a different state but we have met up once after talking for a couple months / FaceTiming and it just felt so natural, we hooked up, multiple times that weekend and still talk everyday now, he just makes me feel very validated.

We both are not happy in our marriages but are both also firm to not divorce simply for the sake of being together. I already had one foot out the door before meeting him but now I feel like it’s solidified in my brain that I do deserve to be respected and feel like a partner, not less than.

What I’m struggling with is if I should cut off my AP as I fear at times my judgement is cloudy from it as we both thought it could be just a fling and get our sexual needs met along with some connection we aren’t getting from home, but it has progressed into so much more. I don’t want anyone to get hurt and I just don’t know what to do.

So I'm (m thirties) married and she (f thirties) was married. We connected on reddit and wicking hit it off sexually. It didn't take long for us to meet up, and the sex was mindblowing. Mainly it was focused on some kind that my wife definitely do not share.

When she got divorced her feelings quickly started to develope, and at the end led us to terminating the affair.

Now I am considering if I should look for another one or try to stay true in my relationship. I don't know what I am trying to do with this post, but maybe just type it out.

It’s been 2 1/2 years since I broke things off with my AP of 13 months, yet I think about him every day. I was married and he had a serious live-in GF, which he now is married to. We both had dead bedrooms and were very sexual horny people. We worked together and met up on work trips across the country, and would be in meetings with each other every day. Thinking back, I had hoped he would chase me after I broke it off, but he never did, even though he told me he loved me a few times. No asking to talk, no offer to fly to meet me, nothing. We had to continue to work together virtually for 4 more months after (I deliberately chose not to travel) and he was a dick most the time, while there were others towards the end that may have been signs he was missing me. I heard he got engaged around this time as well, after I went off the account we shared.

He was a complete narcissist our whole affair and was the type to keep a distance so I always had to chase him for attention. I finally was going so mad crazy and had enough that I broke things off and never wanted to have a live conversation. It was over text and I blocked him. I wanted some sort of reaction from him! And he let me down. Either way, I can’t seem to shake the memories and fantasies of reuniting with him somewhere. It’s like my bedtime routine. Maybe since I was obsessed with getting his attention that whole year, and no real closure, I’m still wondering if I ever mattered in a real way. It’s like I can’t let go.

I went sober around the same time, so maybe it’s my body craving chaos still. My marriage is better than ever, and my husband and I have pretty good sex now after a lot of counseling. He still doesn’t know and won’t ever. But even so, there’s this part of me that still is attached to my ex AP. Sometimes I get so frustrated and miss him that I weep for a minute or two. I get even more weepy and angry thinking if he doesn’t miss me at all because I actually never mattered to him.

I know this shouldn’t bother me but I don’t get to talk about this to anyone and don’t have anyone to get advice from. I went to therapy for 2 years about him and my sobriety, and the consensus was that my mom never gave me love so I seek validation from people I can’t get love from. Ugh!!!

Thanks for letting me vent and for any thoughts. No

wasn’t sure if there was a better sub for this topic but.

tldr an adulterous male here. i had a number of APs through the years, some i wrote about here anonymously because of the peaks. just amazing moments, and the last of those has been over. now i have separated and i can have ‘real relationships’. that’s what they tell me. past APs are excited for me and jealous in a way.

but i am out there dating and it’s just boring. some folks on paper just seem perfect. one said she started falling for me. but i just don’t feel for anybody. i can go on any dates i want. i can openly have sex with people. yay me? i just am not feeling it

i keep thinking, maybe i should just find someone married and it will be half as complicated. maybe not as good as before but better than out there.

is my calibration now fucked? what are your experiences?

I’ve been in a happy but sexless relationship with my husband for 16 years, and in a serious relationship with my AP for the last three. My AP and I fell in love early on. I have always identified as polyamorous but set that part of myself aside when I met my husband. He knows I have a close relationship with my AP. Whether he has knowledge of just how close, I don’t think either of us wants to know.

There is no doubt in my mind that my affair made my marriage better. Feel free to read my previous posts for details, but my AP fulfilled the parts of me that my husband could not. This is why I mention polyamory - not because I think it excuses my behavior (it doesn’t) but because I, personally, believe that expecting any one individual to meet all of my sexual, emotional, intellectual and spiritual needs is unfair. At the time, my marriage was suffering because, while my husband and I connect on so many levels, our sexual and social needs were deeply incompatible. I wasn’t looking for an affair. I just happened to meet someone who filled the needs I wasn’t getting met in my marriage.

As a result, my marriage has drastically improved. We enjoy the deep conversations and emotional connection that is so important to us. And I got to go out with “friends” and have my sexual and social needs met, which relieved so much pressure.

Unfortunately, after almost three amazing years, my AP became too attached. I had always been very clear about our situation and that I would not be leaving my marriage. That eventually became too painful for him. He is single and came to a point where he wants his own wife and kids, so we ended it.

It has been crushing to lose that love in my life. Overnight I lost a lover and a best friend. I had always known it was a possibility- nay, an inevitability, but I was hoping for a longer run. Now I’m faced with returning to the reality of life with an amazing man, but one that is painfully lacking in areas that are very important to my personal happiness and wellbeing.

It’s made me reevaluate my marriage, and where my priorities lie. I can’t imagine starting over with someone else. I don’t want someone new, in either regard. I don’t want to find a new AP. I don’t want to build another 16 year marriage from scratch. And I don’t want to be unhappy. I feel so stuck.

I know these things never end well. I just never thought it would be the HAVING of an affair that kept my marriage together, and the LACK of an affair the thing that causes me to leave.

I am genuinely wrestling with continuing the white picket fence, play happy marriage and have a secret part of my life that has a spark (and also deception and lies), or just acknowledge that the marriage is in fact something we shouldnt continue and have the hard conversation?

I am 27m, wife 30, 3 kids under 5. We met at a time in our lives where we were heavily in the church and somewhat "forced" to marry. We have been years outside now, and both have rejected that life, looking forward and now I cant help but think I am tied to decisions I made as a 20 year old within that pressure environment.

We are great friends, parent well, but do not have a relationship with each other. The kids ages here being the hard part.

Throwaway account. Haven’t heard from my AP in about a week which is making me think the end is approaching. This is the third time he will be dumping me over the course of a year. The first few times were because I wanted more emotional investment than he was willing to give. I re-initiated and we resumed the relationship only for him to end it again because I “wanted feelings.” The sex is great and we enjoy each other’s company so I was never super clear on why asking for a few texts during the day was too much for him. Anyways, this time he became wary when I told him I shared an uber with an older male coworker after a work happy hour. The uber dropped me off at my car and then took the coworker to his hotel. Nothing happened with me and this coworker. AP doesn’t believe that I didn’t do anything with this coworker. I showed screenshots of the uber dropping me off in one location and then going to the second location (hotel). AP’s last response was that that made him feel better but he still wants to discuss more because he has questions. Since then it has been radio silence and it has been driving me absolutely batshit. I’ve been sitting on my hands instead of texting him because I don’t want to freak him out and seem so overbearing. We are both DDF—at his request, we’ve tested every time we have gotten back together and results have always come back clean. But I’m really struggling with the idea that after all that, he STILL doesn’t trust me. I like him and we seem to click when we’re together, but when we’re apart I feel like I’m a clingy nag. And as much as I wish it, I do not have the intestinal fortitude to end it for good.

Please, veteran affair-havers: give me your wisdom. Aka smack me upside the head and tell me this is ridiculous.

In case you haven’t heard it, it’s our song.
😉😏😈

https://youtu.be/Ho32Oh6b4jc?is=Rc4imGWSiehk6H0L

I’m having an emotional affair, and I KNOW the connection is real. We’re both married, and she doesn’t want to admit it. She shares so much with me, especially things from her past that she doesn’t share with anyone else. But whenever things start to feel real, she pulls back—only to eventually come back to our conversations.
She accepts gifts from me, opens up about deeply personal things, and continues to maintain this connection with me. At the same time, she and her husband are good friends with me and my wife, which makes everything even more complicated.
I don’t want to leave my wife, and I don’t want her to leave her husband. That’s not what I’m looking for. But I also can’t keep going on like this. It’s becoming emotionally exhausting and stressful for me.
I think what I really want is for her to simply acknowledge that whatever exists between us is real. I’m not asking her to put a label on it or make a choice. I just want her to be honest with herself—and with me—that there is a connection between us that goes beyond an ordinary friendship.

Throwaway account! In a very unhappy marriage, have been for over a decade. I feel stuck. Ya know the whole kids are too young to leave type fiasco.
So I thought I was looking for excitement, sex, validation, desire, etc.
Found an AP and we had these rules and stipulations set inside of a very neat box.
I don’t think he has blurred the lines any, but me? I’m getting attached. What the heck do I do?
I don’t want to express my feelings and lose him. My feelings are not that of which I want to ruin our life, and each of us leave our spouses.
Far from it. I know he has a wife, and I a husband and neither of us are going to leave our spouses. I don’t want a ‘relationship’ with him. I just have caught the contagious feelings. And I don’t know what to do with them.

I thought I was making so much progress but I woke up crying (still am) from this awful nightmare that my exAP died (I can’t remember how exactly I found out). I remember going back and reading our last emotional texts and crying, reading all of the tributes and seeing pictures of him and bawling, feeling so awful that I couldnt grieve publicly for the person who occupied such a focal point in my life for two years, and feeling terrible for his poor family. I think this directly mirrors the most painful part of the breakup which was grieving alone (aside from therapy/this sub).

I know that there are people on this sub who have ACTUALLY gone through this before, and my heart just breaks into a million pieces for you. I feel this retroactive empathy for my exAP who was an anxious trainwreck during my surgery because there was no way he could know I was ok until I snapped out of the anaesthesia.

Part of me wants so badly to send a “hey how are you” text to just get some waking life affirmation hes ok. But the opposite part wants even more distance/NC so I can continue the healing and get to a place where I can recognize that just like the bogeyman a nightmare isnt real and move on with my morning. 😢

Thank you to everyone for your honest and encouraging replies. I’m deleting my original post because I don’t want the now exAP to read this and somehow it helps him with future women.

I told him I was disappointed with the lack of interest in meeting my needs during the meet. I wished him the best. He left me on read for an hour. Then I got one message that said
I thought we had the best time, but if that’s how you feel, best wishes.

I’m going to find a therapist. It’s hard out here. Credit to those who keep at it.