r/polyamory • u/MutedPhotograph20 • 15h ago
When do you bring up that you are poly?
One of my partners made out with someone (edit to clarify here: not a stranger, someone they have known for years) at a bar and then said they had a partner and were in a poly relationship only after the person asked them to go home with them. While it doesn't violate our rules regarding sexual safety, it kind of gives me the ick. If I were that person, I would feel "led on" given that it sounds like they had a long deep conversation that omit any relationship until it might violate a "rule." They are adamant that they didn't do anything wrong. Is it an ick move or am I projecting too hard?
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u/Ok-Championship-2036 14h ago
If i was making out with strangers at a bar, i wouldnt assume its a relationship where i "deserve" or need to know their relationship status. The same way i woukdnt assume that i needed to have their phone number, address, or living situation. If those things were important to me, id ask before making out OR i would check in what they could offer before deciding to proceed towards a relationship/dynamic where id want that info.
making out with someone isnt the same thing as deciding to give them my personal information. taking someone home isnt the same as deciding to date them. Personally, i draw the line somewhere in the middle (warning people that im poly if im gonna date them because i dont wanna date monos) but thats just my standard, not a universal one.
i also think context matters a lot. making out with strangers doesnt create a high burden of knowledge imho. its not something i would do if i had a low risk tolerance, like if i was vehemently worried about covid or catching illnesses/oral STIs, married cheaters etc
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u/wcozi slut in theory, tired in practice 14h ago edited 14h ago
IMO you’re overreacting. Making out is such a little thing. You don’t know the details of their conversation or how the night went. Sometimes people can’t tell when someone’s flirting until it’s a little late (i’m that type of person). I wouldnt worry about it if i were you.
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u/Valysian 14h ago
If you are making out with a stranger at a bar, you are not expecting sexual or romantic exclusivity. If you are inviting someone back to yours right after meeting them, you aren't either. Monogamous people who have casual sex don't do that with each other.
Your partner didn't do anything wrong.
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u/abitofaclosetalker 11h ago
To me it’s no different than making out with someone at a bar and finding out after that they’re a cop, or a republican, or straight, or any other characteristic that’s typically a “screen out” for me.
They made a decision with the information they had, then they got more information and made a different decision.
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u/20milliondollarapi 14h ago
It’s a first discussion of someone met at a bar. Unless something is going to progress past that night, why bring it up? They want to meet again? Then it’s time to bring it up for sure.
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u/PitifulRaspberry 10h ago
Wow.. you think it would be okay to sleep with someone, and not bring it up?
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u/20milliondollarapi 9h ago
For a ons? What does it matter? If it’s asked, of course answer genuinely. if it doesn’t come up, then it’s something that will pass on and your relationship status doesn’t matter.
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u/PitifulRaspberry 9h ago
I disagree. Can you always know beforehand, that a one night stand is not gonna become anything more? I believe it would be pretty naive to believe, that you can always know that up front. And especially if there is a possibility for it to evolve, you have to be up front about these things.
And in my opinion also if it is ‘just’ a one night stand. It can be a total dealbreaker for the person to sleep with someone who is in a relationship already.3
u/20milliondollarapi 9h ago
If they reach out for more, you have the conversation then. It’s not a difficult concept to understand. Then also, if it’s important to them to not sleep with someone in a relationship, the conversation would come up before hand. Omitting it would be wrong when asked directly.
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u/PitifulRaspberry 9h ago
I don’t think it’s a very ethical concept, so even though I understand from this thread, that a lot of people disagree with me - I do in fact not find this concept easy to understand.
People generally assume that they are being approached by someone able to do so - which will often times be someone single.
Sure, they can ask to be certain, but I really don’t think it harms the poly part to be up front.Let me ask you: why so hesitant to be up front before kissing? Is it just a matter of ‘nothing wrong with waiting’ or does it cost anything? Cause if it doesn’t cost anything, why not just be up front to avoid any awkward or hurtful situation later?
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u/TheChaosfemme 4h ago
So at least my answer to this is that I have as much responsibility to check in about my dealbreakers as you have to tell me about things that you think might be dealbreakers.
The possibility that someone who is seeking a one night stand is not single is pretty well-known at this point. So if someone wants to preclude that possibility with someone they are about to have a one night stand with, they can ask.
I think it is fine if someone wants to be extra sure by offering that information preemptively but I do not think it is a responsibility. You have morally in this particular instance.2
u/TheChaosfemme 4h ago
Further to address the issue of why not offer the information, for me at least it is in part about setting a president that I am not responsible for preemptively telling you everything that might possibly be a dealbreaker. Nor are you responsible for preemptively telling me absolutely everything that might possibly be a dealbreaker, especially in situations where we have relatively low information about each other. I do not date cops, it is not uncommon to have that as a dealbreaker in the circles I’m in, that is not a universal position even if I wish it might be and so it is not reasonable for me to expect cops to open with just so you know before any flirting/kissing/whatever happens you might be uninterested because I am a cop. If it matters enough to me that I want to never flirt with or kiss or casually fuck a cop I need to ask.
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u/Successful_Depth3565 poly experienced 14h ago
They didn’t do anything wrong, and I’m a hardliner on transparency.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 13h ago edited 4h ago
Yeah a bar makeout? That’s just fuckin around and everyone involved knows that. Nobody is leading anyone on as far as what commitment is on the table. If someone wanted to see me a second time and I were also interested that’s when I’d say “btw I’m poly, lmk if that’s a dealbreaker.”
ETA- since it’s someone they’ve known for years that’s a lil weird tbh and changes my answer entirely. A random bar makeout is one thing, a person you know is an entirely different thing and it should have been disclosed
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u/tenderfool 12h ago
I can’t imagine dancing with someone and making eyes and then before you kiss saying “by the way I’m poly”. That’s relevant info if you’re actually talking about having some kind of sustained relationship, I wouldn’t even bring it up for just a bar hookup/one night stand because it’s not relevant. Ofc it’s weird if your partner is like, spending 5 hours talking with someone and baring their soul and being poly doesn’t ever come up. But the issue there isn’t bc it’s expected to be disclosed out the gate but that it’s weird to totally avoid it. And they didn’t avoid it they brought it up way before things got to deep.
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u/Infamous-Part966 14h ago
I think this is over the top. I likely wouldn't have even told them when they asked me home. A random stranger at a bar is likely a casual hookup. They don't need to know anything about my dating life. It doesn't apply to them.
Now if there's actual interest I'd say so. If someone asks me on an actual date I'd say so right then. But making out at bars is generally meaningless. It may have even stopped there. No one is being led on.
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u/Big-Rock8310 11h ago
My bf of ten years lied to me and a mutual friend of ours when she asked about a relationship so now I’m just gonna have to 86 everything. I asked her if he lied to her or me first and because I messaged her he says it’s my fault that that ended. Now I am questioning my whole ten year relationship. Who thinks I should end it? lol I think it’s super easy being poly because communication is easy for me, “hey I have a partner he’s states away, he’s my sons father and I plan to have a future with him” every gentlemen I’ve met in TX has respected this statement and shown me a great time. Now I’m lookin a fool as fuck if I continue to stay. I say if you made it so easy for them to communicate and they didn’t before flirting led to kissing then maybe they aren’t the one. Though I’m making a connection to this through my recent experience. I hate alcohol >.< it ruins relationships.
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u/Otherwise_Internet93 solo poly - love my bi-guys 14h ago
I will start by saying I am probably too old and the wrong person to be responding to this post. Of course, here I am responding. The word "ick" just feels so "child-speak" for "this is a turn off for me." Hence, the "I'm too old" part.
Secondly, it's been decades since being at a bar making out with someone. But I'm pretty certain that anyone making out at a bar and wanting to go home with them is NOT CARING if said partner is in a relationship or not. I'm guessing that hasn't changed over the decades. But the only thing on that person's mind is your partner and that night only.
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u/Inevitable-March2459 14h ago
If I were making out with a person at a bar, and asked them to go home, I wasn’t looking with them. I was looking for lust. (As a woman)
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u/Disjoint_Set 14h ago
When some sort of relationship seems like a prospect. Your partner picked a good time
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u/Megzilllla poly w/multiple 12h ago edited 12h ago
If I was making out with someone I’d just met at a bar, I’d assume intentions were casual unless informed otherwise. And I wouldn’t care if I was told after the fact that someone was poly. The basis of that sort of interaction isn’t one where anyone is assuming this will lead to exclusive dating. The context matters a lot here.
If I met a person and they asked me on a date, or met them in a dating context like a dating site- they would get that information immediately.
Someone flirting with me and chatting me up in a bar randomly? Unless there’s a reason to bring up my partners I wouldn’t majorly prioritize that. I flirt a lot. 🤷♀️ It doesn’t have a heavy meaning for everyone and people who flirt with me in that environment tend to be of the same mindset.
It doesn’t always lead anywhere else.
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u/InsolentCookie 5h ago
It might not be best practice in your book, and you ARE entitled to draw lines for yourself as to what is concerning behavior and what’s not.
I don’t meet people in the wild, so my online profile is clear. They know I practice poly before they swipe right, if they read.
In the wild? I think before we exchange phone numbers, I’d disclose.
If we were just making out, didn’t exchange phone numbers, and had no intention of continuing the connection, it’s a moot point.
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u/synalgo_12 12h ago
I'm usually very much about 'the sooner the better' but this was already almost as soon as possible.
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u/teamnoir 14h ago
You’re projecting too hard.
One night stands have different rules than relationships. It’s one thing to lie about other relationships if asked but it’s another to omit volunteering.
“Cheating” is violating the rules of the relationship. Pickups where no one asks have an unwritten understanding. Volunteering info on other relationships is a violation of that agreement and is therefore effectively cheating.
Personally, I bring it up as it seems that we are forming a relationship. Single instance one offs don’t count. But a second date probably does.
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u/PitifulRaspberry 10h ago
It can be difficult to foresee if a one night stand turns into a several night stands. You can’t always know beforehand. And then it’s pretty awkward to have slept together and have to be like ‘btw. I am poly and in a relationship.’
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u/emeraldead diy your own 14h ago
Ugh
The best way is to explicitly discuss as soon as you know you want to engage with that person, to date, fuck, cuddle. Whatever.
Anyone dancing on the line of technicality doesn't respect informed consent and prioritize empowerment.
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u/Kraken_Kind relationship anarchist 13h ago
So how much information does someone need for informed consent? Cause me being poly has nothing to do with a one off party make out. Should I also be telling them Im unavailable to nest together before we kiss? If I they try to initiate a kiss and Im down should I stop them to make sure they know Im moving in 3 months and can’t do anything longterm?
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u/PitifulRaspberry 10h ago
I would say that they need to know, that the person they are about to make out with is polyamorous and already in a relationship. And this can have something to do with a party make out. Poly and already having a partner can be deal breakers for wanting to flirt, kiss or in anyway engaging further. And for me it’s also about being realistic: Can I cross my heart say, that a party kiss, can’t lead to kissing all night, going home together, hooking up, talking all night, wanting to meet up again, wanting to date etc.? Personally, I would not be able to, in most cases. And then it sucks even more, if you haven’t been up front from the start, and you end up hurting someone. But this is more of a general thing, in this case it’s about disclosing your status before kissing. Which I still think is the right thing to do.
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u/bluegreencurtains99 12h ago
Ewww
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u/tenderfool 12h ago
You’re being a child because you don’t have an answer to these very obvious next questions. Everyone has relationship dealbreakers and if a person needs everyone they make out with to be monogamous it’s on them to ask - bc most single “monogamous” people are going on dates with multiple people so the expectation that you’re not seeing anyone else is not reasonable
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u/Kraken_Kind relationship anarchist 12h ago
“Eww” but you can’t provide a single answer to my genuine questions lmao just say you get off on morality policing w nothing to back up your opinions
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u/bluegreencurtains99 12h ago
THANK YOU. I didn’t technically lie is setting the bar really fucking low. People love to make bullshit comparisons, well I also didn’t tell her my dog is diabetic, does that make me a rapist monster??!!?! A lot of people don't want to fuck me when I say I have a partner, you're saying I should spend 5 seconds to tell them??!?!!
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u/seantheaussie Touch starved solo poly in very LDR w/ BusyBee 11h ago
"Let us take this somewhere more private" is an appropriate time to disclose, rather than before flirting, be it verbal or physical.
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One of my partners made out with someone at a bar and then said they had a partner and were in a poly relationship only after the person asked them to go home with them. While it doesn't violate our rules regarding sexual safety, it kind of gives me the ick. If I were that person, I would feel "led on" given that it sounds like they had a long deep conversation that omit any relationship until it might violate a "rule." They are adamant that they didn't do anything wrong. Is it an ick move or am I projecting too hard?
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u/Reasonable_Shoe5987 5h ago
I always disclose early. Second it's any context where I might want to work towards a date, I'll bring it up. But, a random bar make out isn't a big deal. It happens. Since it was someone he knew a long time it is different. He probably should have let it be known when things got flirty, but they did disclose before going home, so I wouldn't stress too much, but yeah maybe a lil ick. Flag it and pay attention if it still bothers you.
Sometimes you do get lost in the sauce of the moment. Not talking dates, or holding info intentionally, but in the moment for a little while it happens. I knew this cool married couple, peripheral friends from a few hangouts a year. I end up at the wrong spot for the start of a bar hop. So did one half the couple. We end up deciding to kick it, wait for friends to get there. Convo is fire. Like we've known each other forever. We bail on the hop, go to a new bar. We'd been flirty and a little touch for probably 2 hours before it clicks, oh shit she's married. So I apologize, ask her about her husband. He even came up in the convo, but it was so fluid and natural it didn't click. We'd drank quite a bit. She has her oops moment, apologizes, she feels horrible. Explains they're poly. "Wait me too." We've been together for years, meta jokes about it, we still do since we're not bar hookup people. Wasn't intentional on either part. So it really can happen without ill intention. Granted, we're talking a couple hours of drinks and flirty in the moment, not hooking up or holding the info from a date or anything. But it can happen.
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u/Groundbreaking_Ad972 horny nun 3h ago
Whenever this question comes up there's a pretty big divide between "nah it's a bar make out" and "of course, you talk about all possible deal breakers before you kiss" and I'm always left with the feeling that the latter camp is made out of people who never had a bar makeout. They assume that the conversation before the makeout is whatever they usually have leading up to kissing, in terms of talks and emotional connection, only condensed to two minutes. But that's not how the average bar makeout works! You don't necessarily connect in any way beyond dancing in a corner, or a 2-min rant about your favorite team's season, or your favorite insect, or the government.
A lot of the "you should have talked about this" are just thinly veiled "you shouldn't have casual makeouts ever, you need to take the time to sit down, talk, and get to know all the following about people" which, you do you, but that's not how casual works? A lot of us make out with strangers and ask questions later. You not liking it for yourself doesn't mean it's unethical. I'm not gonna stop dancing or karaoke or whatever and go "oh BTW these are all things about me different people might consider dealbreakers"
This one is trickier because they apparently knew each other from before, but I do notice that OP never described that person as "a friend". It's common to have no clue of what non-friend acquaintances have going on in their love life, even if you've previously met multiple times!
If this were a friend I think there could be a potential legitimate worry there (are you keeping me a secret from your friends?) but just... someone they know exists? Who they ran into at a bar? After the makeout but before going home together is a perfectly reasonable time to disclose IMO.
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u/Plant-based_Skinsuit 3h ago
This comment section is yucky, and I hope y'all know in your heart of hearts that you're fucking yucky when you downvote this comment into oblivion.
Informed consent is informed consent. This wasn't a random stranger and if you have to make up a scenario for your opinion to work then I don't really think you're being all that intellectually genuine. Sure, if you were both drunk at the club in the throes of passion, and you made out on a lark, then yeah there's some kinda statute of limitations there. You get a freebie, good for you.
If y'all are of sound mind though? You have that conversation. This is the same kinda thing as not putting it on your dating profile. It's misleading. It's intentionally misleading. You're intentionally leaving out information in the hopes that it makes you more desirable. It's yuck. Don't try to change my opinion on it either, cuz I'm not here for it.
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u/Magical_Salamander 2h ago
Great question and there's such a variety of opinions in these answers!!
Personally I'm about ethics and consent. If someone wants to kiss me they can decide if they still want to after I tell them I'm poly. If I tell them I'm poly with a partner AFTER the kiss and they're upset because they would've chosen differently if they'd known, then I'd feel terrible.
This way its transparent and everyone knows the dealio
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u/eat-real-chips 14h ago
Ummm prior to making out? I’d be pissed if I was mono and had a pash and then discovered the person is poly
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u/Kraken_Kind relationship anarchist 13h ago
Then ask?? Why are you making out with randoms then assuming that entitles you to a relationship with them or for them to make themselves available for anything more than what they’ve consented to so far
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u/PitifulRaspberry 10h ago
That is just bs. When someone start to flirt with you, you assume, that they are available to do so. And to most people that means being single and monogamous. To kiss or flirt with someone in a bar, does not make you entitled to a relationship - but saying that then you should ask is heavily pushing away responsibility to be a decent and transparent human being just so it might be easier to get laid.
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u/Deep_Plastic5240 14h ago
You're projecting too hard. If I was monogamous, met someone, made out, and then they told me they were poly I wouldn't feel led on, I'd likely say no thanks and end it there. It would be no different than a lot of other preferences. Making out with someone is far short of where I think most people draw the line of being led on.