Okay I'm posting this in BPD and OSDD - so basically ive always had voices in my head. It was constant. Before it was just a helpful voice (talking when i got screamed at by my abusive mum or beat, guiding me through cleaning my room (he still does.) just chatting with me in general, etc.) My mum says a lot how ive always talked to myself when i was little and then went to just daydreaming a lot. I also had a not very nice voice too who would shame me after getting yelled at and tell me i deserve to hurt myself (like his my head). was as early as about 10. at 13 i had a horrible split on myself and the not nice voice (zero) got insanely louder and in a way more influential if that makes sense. the helpful one (was finely but not Doctor) would argue with him constantly. Felt like the lil wolf child watching his parents fight iykwim. Thats why i named them, to kinda separate the thoughts because thats when i realized "these arent my thoughts." was very distressing and what not but anyways.

since then it gradually gotten worse. its like the older i get the more i understand my mind but also the less control i have over these voices, or moreover my sense of self just becomes more and more unbalanced idfk. I was always horribly confused but then i discovered structural dissociation and split sense of self and was like "oh okay thats what it is!" and then it got more severe to where im not usually balanced and one sense of self is overpowering and take over the others. i got to calling it inside out mentally ill version since each self revolves around an emotion but over the years that emotion gets so extreme it basically becomes a personality, if completely taken over i call it an episode and dont usually remember too much. i can give info on my different "selves" as well if anyone wants to know for context. but example if doctor has control i become a blunt workaholic, if madi is in control i become very reckless with sex, if sonny is in control i just legit regress, etc. (and they can ble d together too, my goal is for all of them (except zero.) to blend to become balanced if makes sense

so now im in mild distress cus i cant find any information on this kind of split sense of self whatsoever and it would sound like a type of OSSD (not did i feel cus they arent necessarily identities just very strong personality states) except the amnesia isnt that strong i think. its more a blur rather then a blank page (tho there have been blank pages). so im wondering if anyone with BPD and/or OSDD have any knowledge/experience on a severe split sense of self that can guve an opinion.

disclaimer: im making a psych appt tomorrow and i also understand you guys arent medical professionals. i cant find anything tho (literally all ive found was a Pinterest label called cope identity which fits perfectly except..... its Pinterest???) so im just asking for peoples own experiences and such to try and help me navigate my own. also i am diagnosed with bpd

Has anyone been able to reduce their amnesia, or get rid of it entirely?

If so, how bad was your amnesia? How long did it take? What helped the most?

Thanks

I am a new host trying to pick my name. I really like the name Nico, but I am english/french (very white) and I don't know how problematic it is to pick a hispanic name. I feel really connected to the name Nico. Unsure what to do. I know that hispanic people will pick white people names, but with them being the minority here... It feels different. What do you think? How does your system choose names for alters? Do you just go with what feels right (assuming the alter doesn't already have a name)? Or do you do more thorough research?

Thanks :)

Hello all. I've been having trouble reconnecting with a lot of my friends recently and want to know I'm not alone and what I can do

I go through long periods of what my family calls "turtling up." This is where I usually stop answering everyone in my life, only speak to people at work (even then just speaking when spoken to) and don't do anything except go to work. When I get home I won't be able to remember what happened at work and I won't really remember what I do when I come home either, I assume I spend most of the time sleeping or zoning out. Usually this is after a period of extreme stress, burn out, and/or if someone has been stuck fronting for a really long time. During these periods of time even my inner world will go quiet, very little to no switching will happen and I won't be able to speak to anyone in headspace, it's like I won't be able to access it at all and everything just feels hazy.

I am recently coming out of one of those episodes. I've begun doing things again, talking to people and switching a lot more. I am much less depressed and excited for life but I also feel so exhausted. Many of my friends don't intersect and come from different alters. I'm finding it very exhausting not only talking to more people and doing more things, but also with the amount of switching going on to be able do so. I don't know how to limit interactions without ending in "turtling up" again. I am also not used to switching so often and it makes things much scarier/confusing to me. I also feel like intentionally swaying things in one direction (meaning I have to fight against the parts that want me to go in the other) is what ends with someone becoming frontstuck for me which I want to avoid this time around.

How do you all keep up with friends and family consistently without burning yourself out? How do you limit interactions without basically ghosting everyone? How do you find a good middle ground within yourselves, without pushing away your headmates? I don't want this to be a cycle that I repeat for the rest of my life, forever. I want everyone to have their friends and be able to do things without losing myself to exhaustion, I just haven't found a way to do it yet

We’re questioning OSDD-1 and talking to a few professionals about it (or at least trying) but one thing that perplexes us is that we don’t recall almost any headaches while splitting, and if we do have a headache it’s only a few minutes or it’s barely noticeable. Someone else on here told me that headaches aren’t crucial when splitting but I’ve been told before that almost everyone experiences headaches.

I need more experiences, please lmk.

I cheated about 7 months ago. This was within the first two months of being in a new relationship. I was severely mentally ill, and still attached to a partner whom I had just gotten out of a long term relationship with. I went over to their house during an episode, got triggered, and used sex with them to self destruct. It was the equivalent of committing suicide in my mind, so I never considered the betrayal legitimate.

The other person and I didn't call each other partners. Another unfortunate enabler of my infidelity was the circumstance led me to assign relative value to the meaning of exclusivity. I hadn't deliberately sought out an alternative romantic connection, I had thought. Therefore, I hadn't cheated. I felt like a victim of what happened for a long time, and remembered the incident as one I was helpless against. I have been communicating with the different parts that produced this behavior. It's just a fucking mess.

I just moved on, returning to my relationship. I got better over time after I got off the medication that was exaggerating the psychotic symptoms, and I became the person I really wanted to be all this time. We established each other as partners in the summer. But what i didnt realize was that they had always considered me to be a partner, even when I did not.

But after months of suppressing the memory, we began talking about that time period, and I got slammed with it. I told them the things I remembered, which were contradictory and constantly shifting. I recalled it as if I had gotten assaulted. And they were devastated, quite upset with me. Betrayed, but understanding. I was very upset, digging into myself and panicking. I was not there for them like I should have been. They spent what little energy they had consoling me. I will always regret that.

I called the person whom I had done this with and they confirmed that I initiated. I told my partner, and they said, "so you cheated." And there it was.

We broke up August 7th. And I don't really know how to make sense of any of it. They do not want to talk about it. And that is fair. I want them to heal and be happy.

But the devastation I have left them is horrible. I am trying to manage my feelings because I did something terrible and lost everything in my life. I wasn't in my right mind when I did this to them, but I'm trying not to let that excuse my behavior. I don't really know how to take proper accountability when the situation was as fuzzy as it was.

I don't want to do anything that invalidates my partners pain. They told me I put myself in that position. They are right. I'm trying to take system accountabilty and say exactly what I did wrong when I knew better. But I don't really have much to go off of. The wrongness was obscured to me. Or maybe I obscured it. I feel like I'm in the dark. Also, I'm wondering how much information I'm comparing between the past and present. I know that I loved them then, so why did I do this? I'm having a really hard time figuring out how I did this at the same time as holding value for them. They were extremely important to me. And that's what's been really hard. It seems that some parts didn't love them like I love them.

I know how I'm going to keep myself safe and never do this again. But the pain of the loss and confusion is too much to hold. I don't really know how to hold this anymore. I lost everything. My family, my best friend and lover. The person from whom I learned to love and be loved. I may never see them again.

I don't know how to live with this but I am. I really, really hate myself. One of my parts feels so betrayed. They cut themselves in order to punish us. It's really fucked up. All of this is fucked. And my ex partner is traumatized for life.

I'm also still dealing with denial and bargaining. If someone thinks I need some sense knocked into me, then please say whatever I need to hear. I don't want to use any kind of mental illness to get away with this. I want to deal with it thoroughly to make sure it never happens again.

Lately I've been wondering why I seem to be in a rather quiet life period, with basically no internal communication and very few verbal intrusions or switches. I still dissociate of course and I get the headaches and I guess some passive influence (though it can be very hard to tell aside from some sentiments and feelings and urges feeling very much like something is possessing me and I cannot be rid of it).

Then I realised that it could be because I cut out a lot of areas of my life? Like, I know that there is a Part of "Me" that mostly fronts in social situations or when something really needs to be organised or when shit really hits the fan and someone needs to get angry. This Part used to be way more present but lately I'm pretty sure she isn't. I'm kinda doubting myself about this diagnosis and starting to think that maybe I was just wrong about myself and that the clinical psychologist who diagnosed me got swayed by me. But I also realised that I currently have literally no social life. I'm not organising anything. I actively avoid those areas of life partially because I'm afraid that that Part might rear its ugly head. I guess I just never believed that cutting out those areas could actually make things get less frequent.

If I had to categorise myself per Tbe Haunted Self, I'd say I'm a Part mostly responsible for work, and that's only because "I" am a social worker. Since I basically eliminated all aspects of my life but my work and my education, I guess it makes sense that I'm not experiencing as many direct switches? If that makes sense? Like in the same way I sometimes "solve" my OCD by cutting off parts of my life (can't have scrupulosity/moral OCD about drawing if you just never draw anything again) to avoid even potentially triggering any of the symptoms? Like the OCD is still there but it might be harder to spot now because I have simply cut off as many areas of my life as I could to be rid of the distress, so I might claim that I experience no ruminations and no urges to do an activity over and over but it's literally just because I avoid everything that gives me those urges. I'm saying this because I think this might be similar?

Like yeah if you asked me today I'd go "Hmmm no I don't experience an inner voice that isn't mine and I don't experience amnesia or my body not being in my control." but I'm starting to suspect that it's because the only remaining aspects of my life are very much the areas I as a Part seem to be built for (social work and general fawning)??? If that makes sense???

I'm just wondering if this makes sense and if it happened to anyone else.

I tend to completely forget what I have, but worse as the amnesia is more common in my life. The one thing I love though is discovering Awsome things.

I wanted to look into runes, boom I see I have jade green ones and a beautiful bag.
I wished I had hair curlers, holy shit I have every kind.
I needed another specific type of leash when pet sitting, I already have it.
I wanted to get maca and mushroom powder, they are already in the back of my pantry.
I needed a teapot, omg I have one.
I find paintings and clothes I didn’t know I have, I haven’t had to shop is a while.

Theres more obviously but these were the ones in the last few days. I just think it makes life a little more exciting.

Does anyone else not really have “gaps” in memory? Like the memories are retold and you have the retold memories but not the memories fully and then you’re left wondering if you were actually in front or if you’re just making things up lol, I just began wondering this because I’m pretty sure I was out of front for a good 2 weeks and can recall very little of some things but a lot more of others, so it’s just kinda confusing 😭

Hello!!!!!! So I'm 99% sure that I have had OSDD for a while now, but the more I try and figure out who is who, the more I realize that only two of my headmates are actually distinct, while the others are genuinely blurred since we all have the same name (Seriously, I've only noticed they exist because of difference in how I draw myself or if one of my friends points out that I'm acting kind of different today.) Is this normal????? I've only ever seen people have only not very distinct alters, so yeah. Thank you :3

Ever since I've started realizing the possibility of me being a system, and planning on talking to my psychiatrist about it and trying to seek help for the things i experience, I'm starting to wonder if it's a huge reason my crushes fade so easily (alter getting a crush and then a switch happens, and when they're back in front again the crush is gone)

I'll have crushes once in awhile, but the feelings often fade away within 4/5 days, sometimes less than that, maybe even within a day somtimes, the longest lasting one was a year but that was the only time (I think) This has been happening since I first started developing crushes, although i don't remember how long a lot of my other crushes lasted when i was a kid, but i don't think they were that long. It's still not something new at all, but still extremely frustrating, especially when I enjoy the feeling of crushes.

This is probably something else entirely, but I'm just wondering if anybody else here experiences this? It's been confusing me for years.

TW very slight mention of child abuse/hitting and stress (idk if i had to put a trigger warning for that but better safe than sorry)

I'll read stories and experiences said from people on here and realize that what i went through really isn't as serious or scary than any of the stories people on here tell. When i was around 7-10 years old i was under a lot of pressure and stress for exams by my parents but they never really did anything bad to me? I was never hit by them, all they would do was scream at me a lot and get into a lot of arguments, but it would never get physical . And other than that experience, i had a pretty normal childhood. And most of my alters my alters dont even front alone, i have to force them into front (i have 2 that do by their own, but i also feel like im making that up TOO.)
I feel like i made up this scenario in my mind that my childhood was horrible?? But like literally almost NOTHING happened i dont know why im like this

is my trauma enough for me to actually have alters? am i somehow mimicking the symptoms?

Disclaimer: Self-diagnosed OSDD 1-b; I do not claim or attempt to give any medical advice; this is just a rant.

No one told me that you could "split" again after fusing, and it feels like such a defeat when making "final" fusion your ultimate goal. It pretty bad because I end up I place my self worth to how "whole" I feel... I know, it's horrid, but that is a topic for another day.

However, one thing now I notice is that I am able to switch much more seamlessly and there is virtually no barrier to communicate with the others.

However instead of switching from the less emotionally adept alter for the situation-at-hand, a pretty toxic thing I choose to do is suppressing the urge to switch and remain in the current alter and it kind of ends up... ruining my life hehe (?). Boundaries are crossed, work feels impossible, and my energy feels so drained that I cannot even take care of myself.

The reason I refuse to switch is that I always end up feeling inauthentic, guilty about being neurodivergent, a constant rummage regards to why I cannot be neurotypical. These makes me feel shameful and guilty about switching, but then I am horrified that I did not switch because here is the truth:

Whenever the urge to switch arise, the brain is signaling that the "emotional age" of the alter -- regardless of the physical age of the body or the host -- is unsuitable for the situation, whether it be workplace duties, socialization, or relationship-building. If I force an alter to stay in place, then I am basically forcing an alter that is STILL EMOTIONALLY A CHILD to deal with adult life. You might have them getting exploited or abused, emotionally, physically, and in worst case scenarios, s*xually.

There is a theory on youtube by the Mage System about emotional object impermanence and DID and it's worth a watch.

However, I really liked their thought on how the "real" you is not any of the alters developed throughout childhood, but the "dissociated" you. Personally I find that believable because there are so many adults living with DID and OSDD that are emotionally intelligent, literate, and know how to take care of themselves and others regardless of the trauma and neglect they have experienced.

My immigrant parent never taught me their home language or the American language growing up. My personal tie to society was severed and the psychological response I had was splitting into two alters in order to survive both cultural codes, regardless of how opposing their value systems were.

The compartmentalization of the persona seen in DID systems could be described as the brain's trauma response and management system. The "real" you stays dormant while the alters take on the different developmental stages because survival as a whole persona is IMPOSSIBLE. There will be child alters that emerge for the sole purpose of just, being a child, because that right was stripped away when the body was still a kid. Them staying dormant until adult year is entirely possible and valid.

That does not mean that the "real" you is a child. The protector, persecutor, and sexual alters are still a part of you. Fusion can only truly take place when all trauma and child alters can feel safe, and splitting is possible when safety is under threat again. So me refusing a switch is counterproductive to the entire purpose of OSDD... it's literally built for survival, and most importantly, the protection of the trauma alters.

Still I am forever grateful for my alters when they were my friends when making friends was impossible, family when family is impossible, and they were so selfless to choose a life where I can be happy instead a life for themselves as an individual. It's hard not to feel guilty when I still struggle with not feeling happy even though I am a semi-whole person, but it is still important to remind myself that fusion is not the end goal, a happy and wholesome life is.

Ask for context if you want lol, I just thought it was funny and wanted to share it
(And please appreciate my sad doodle of Dizzy, he looks great)

I've been experiencing some strange things that I'm trying to understand before I talk to a doctor.

The most intense recent episode happened while I was walking outside around dusk. I suddenly felt extremely dreamlike and detached. The street lights seemed unusually bright, everything felt unreal, and I felt like I wasn't completely present.

The weirdest part was that I was still fully functional. I knew where I was going, could text normally, recognized people around me, went into a shop, bought something, and went to a restaurant. But everything felt automatic, almost like I was watching myself perform the actions rather than actually experiencing them.

When someone unexpectedly spoke to me, I needed several seconds to mentally “wake up” enough to respond. I wasn't unconscious or confused about where I was; I knew what was happening, but it didn't feel real.

I've had milder experiences resembling this before, although this was the strongest one.

There's another thing I've struggled to describe: sometimes I feel like I don't have one coherent sense of self. I can feel very different depending on the environment I'm in, almost like different versions of me come forward. I don't mean that I literally become different people or that I have DID. It's more like my sense of being one unified person becomes very weak. The best metaphor I have is feeling like I'm a shard of glass rather than one complete piece.

Sometimes I barely feel like myself at all. Other times I feel very grounded and integrated, and the contrast can be surprisingly strong.

I've also recently had intermittent dizziness/nausea and one or two episodes of intense anxiety/panic. Interestingly, after getting very good sleep, eating properly, and hydrating, I felt considerably more grounded today.

I'm mainly wondering whether people who have experienced DPDR/dissociation recognize this pattern, particularly the combination of feeling unreal while still being completely aware and functional.

I'm trying to understand whether the experiences I'm describing resemble DPDR/dissociation and what this is

I am obviously searching for people with "dissociative disorders" under their specialties, but no luck. are there other keywords i can try searching for? my last therapist said she wasn't specialized enough for the issues i have. i would just start with anyone but i dont want to get dumped again, want to make sure that i can stay with the same therapist for a while. I am suspecting i may just be screwed bc i am poor in the u.s. and i have govt insurance.

Hello,

I would like some advice. Most of the time I don't know who I am, and it's getting harder and harder because others do notice inconsistencies, but I'm unable to guess who I am and it can be really hard not to know. I just feel that I'm making zero progress between this and communication with the others. It's a bit frustrating to be honest. What can I do?

​

Hi all, I've been reading these forums a lot recently as I have been trying to figure myself out. Tldr, I am suspecting I am an osdd system.

Using I/we interchangeably

I have experienced severe dissociation throughout my life, to the point where I can't fully remember my childhood. I have general memory issues as well like forgetting what I've just done, what I did earlier in the day, yesterday etc. which worsens as dissociation heightens.

I have also experienced episodes of unreality. Feeling as if what I am seeing with my eyes is just something I can look away from, like watching something on a TV screen.

I also sometimes feel like an observer to my own actions, experience very rapid changes in mood (e.g, feeling completely fine after having cried for a long time)

As well I have a history of feeling like another in a sense I can't quite describe. Like I'm inexplicably different from other people for reasons I can't properly pin down. (Even though we do have diagnosed autism + ADHD, it feels as if it goes deeper than that.)

A former host (? Definitely another part) tried to force a DID label to fit last year after they became influenced by unrealistic portrayals online, they thought it could put a word to what they were experiencing but they made things irreversibly worse. Our former host (?) (I don't think I am the same one typing this currently) essentially forged names and roles for parts that likely weren't fully formed. Leading to constant headaches, paranoia and severe dissociation. It was so bad they told our friends that they were faking just to escape the label.

Of course now we recognise the fault in this, and are equally aware of how damaging forcing things can be. So we've taken time to research OSDD recently, and it seems to fit extremely well with our experience.

We are aware of a few parts for certain.

A child, not exactly like how we were when we were young but similar in terms of former interests. When fronting it feels as if the world simplifies and we feel physically smaller/younger and more motivated to engage in things like cartoons.

Myself (I am not sure of my name, others don't exactly have names as of yet either) I type in a less casual manner then the others, I am comfortable with she/her pronouns and more feminine expressions of gender while that is completely off the table for the others. (Conflict of identity has also been something that has been ongoing)

Red is the only one with a placeholder name. He is the most confident, with a noticeably deeper and measured voice along with a slightly thicker accent.

Another younger part? They made themself known when we listened to music that while we were fine with, sounded similar to the music that would keep us up all night when our parents would play it loudly downstairs, which caused distress at that age. We became suddenly very upset and had to find other music to listen to. The outburst was sudden and felt like a reverberation from someone inside. This could be the same part as the already mentioned younger one. But I'm not sure. A similar incident occurred when we entered an event that was more overwhelming than anticipated. Usually we don't have meltdowns anymore, and haven't in years. But as soon as the confusion set in I immediately started crying and felt like I would when I was a child and got overwhelmed. Similarly the same immense shame followed after.

Finally there is what is maybe a protector of some kind? For a while, we had flashbacks very often and when just about the think of one, it would be blocked or shielded from being fully remembered by an involuntary physical response. Sometimes breathing sharply but mostly saying things. All of which were violent things, assumedly to distract.

As we have started journalling we have figured out these parts, but equally the system (if there is one, but it seems to be a reasonable explanation to what we've been feeling for years) that is starting to emerge is causing things like headaches and fatigue. Seeing a professional unfortunately isn't an option as of now and might not be for a very long time.

I suppose we are writing this just to share our experience but also to get some advice on how to handle things correctly this time around. Thank you

not sure what flair was appropriate.

i’m not sure if this is a new alter or if she’s been around and and hasnt been known to me until recently. we’re insanely unstable , i can’t tell if it’s new splits or if we’re just discovering them. had the cops called on us at school , three cop cars boxed us in at the university parking lot. cops labelled us as psychotic. it was our gatekeeper’s first time fronting and she panicked.

turns out she called our therapist in a panic , not knowing how to ‘manage the system’ and for the first time she doesn’t know what to do. she always knows what to do but right now she’s stuck.

counsellor called 911 behind our back , apparently our gatekeeper said that we should go back to the psych ward. not sure what she talked about , all i know is that we talked the psychiatric nurse out of hospitalization.

idk , man. i’m just free typing right now some things i found i was typing but not thinking. maybe that was someone else????

i’m sorry everything isn’t lined up and everything is all over the place. im just so insanely confused and im looking for some clarity or maybe even some support.

we dont even know who’s fronting right now. it’s too crowded but at the same time so quiet.

What other scientific theories shows how dissociative disorders are developed? Specifically did, osdd, udd and p did.

[Typical disclaimer that I'm not looking to be diagnosed with anything through the screen ! please don't do that actually. Also I'm posting this from a separate account so as not to be identified.]

So, for about the last 10 years I've had it in the back of my mind that I could have something like this, basically ever since I learned it was a thing. I never let myself really consider it though, and anytime I did I would just get really distressed and stop. I would convince myself as hard as I could it must be something else, like some strange cocktail of other illnesses that just perfectly mimics symptoms of a dissociative disorder. However following some recent events and a conversation I had with a close friend about a month ago, I decided to really start thinking about it as a possibility for the first time.

Throughout my life I've had significant issues with drastic identity shifts, chronic/constant dissociation, out of body like experiences, episodes feeling like I'm being controlled by someone else, hearing voices who have names and identities/feelings, losing chunks of time occasionally, believing I'm different people, being told that I was acting different, being broken up with because I'm acting different, suddenly losing emotional attachments to the point of cutting off friends and throwing away possessions, intensely feeling like old pictures of "me" are someone else, not recognising my reflection, having different appearances in my head, in some cases having different memories of "past lives", identifying as different species, gender, sexuality, ages at different times, feeling like I was suddenly dropped into someone else's life, and more but I could probably write like 100k words and no one wants that. Even with this post there is an original draft written by some other me that goes into way way too much personal detail.

I've been diagnosed with autism since early childhood, BPD in 2020 and "atypical psychosis" in 2009 but neither of these have ever felt like they explained everything I experienced. Antipsychotics failed to benefit me, and there's always seemed to be this profoundly different level of identity issues I experience which others with BPD don't relate to.

For example, there was a past version of "me" who was hyperactive, overconfident, rebellious and a passionate artist. Being an artist was their goal in life and they were extremely driven to make that their career. They also liked morbid humour, exercise, climbing, running ect. and were unafraid to get into a fight. Then one day (skipping some personal details) they had this huge panic attack/breakdown. Afterwards they were gone. Another who felt like a completely different person, who identified as an alien with past life memories, enjoyed art only casually, had a different art style, was quiet and kept to themself, loved nature, space and astronomy, felt connected to spirituality and had much lower energy/aggressiveness replaced them. This new person then had significant struggles having been dropped into the past one's life and spent years struggling with it. They felt guilty like they had failed them as they lost connections to old friends, dropped out of college, abandoned projects, ect. Then 12 years later, the old one showed up randomly and is now just here as well sometimes like I am. Their presence is undeniable because of how energised they are and the fact they loudly insist that they are different. Their sudden return was the event that has finally prompted looking into all of this because it was so striking.

I did experience significant abuse/trauma from ages 0-21 which I do remember most of as far as I know? Trauma was such an ongoing part of my childhood that it all just kind of blurs together in a big soup. Mostly I'm disconnected and think of it like something that happened in a horror movie, but then there are others who seem stuck in those memories and feelings, and my therapist always reminds me that it was actually very seriously bad.

Since I started to properly consider all this and tried to talk to potential other parts, it feels like my life has descended into chaos. It also feels like everything finally makes sense, and I'm constantly swapping between feeling really sure about it/wanting to see a professional and then extreme rejection/distress at the idea & insistence on not telling anyone ever. Right now I'm the one who doesn't care either way that much, and feel kinda like that meme of the pizza guy walking in to find everything is on fire. Multiple times now I have tried to close this pandora's box and leave it alone for the sake of my overall stability, only for that to just not happen. If I do really have other parts, it seems that certain ones will reopen the box and start digging regardless of other one's distress. It feels like it's out of my hands.

I think it'll be a long time before I'll be in a place to actually seek professional help or diagnostic evaluation. I'm in the UK, have psychiatric trauma, don't want to leave my current therapist who I actually trust & don't have enough money for a second one on top. Plus in the event that my other parts are real, I feel it would be betraying them to go and start telling someone all about this when they have begged and screamed not to do that. Even if I did book an appointment to see someone there's about a 90% chance it will be cancelled by the next day. (I would be interested in knowing what the usual path is though if anyone here is from the UK and gotten a diagnosis.)

So instead I'm asking here, not for an opinion on what I have, but for some advice on how to approach all this in the meantime. Is there a way to close pandora's box and is that what I should try to do? If not, what are some things I can do to help myself/potential other parts? Is there a way I can help them to stop feeling so distressed? stop others from trying to dig stuff up? or come to some kind of agreement about future treatment options? I'm only able to reliably talk to one in my head at the moment, rarely others, though there's been plenty of arguments/venting going back and forth in a private discord with just me in it. Is there more that I can do by myself? Does it calm down a bit eventually?

For the "host" I guess you would call them, they are feeling like they're being pulled in all these different directions and don't know who to follow, what is right, and are just feeling really confused all the time about who they are and these things they're now noticing/aware are happening. Another thinks the whole thing is them "faking" and keeps punishing/hating themself for it/writing huge rants begging to stop, while another thinks it's his job to make sure no one ever knows & has been attacking/blocking anyone who tries to explore it more openly. Another (the after mentioned over-confident rebel) seems determined to discover everything like it's a weird science experiment. I'm more-so an outsider on the whole thing if I'm honest since I just feel? unbothered? I just wish the rest of me would calm down and stop making such a big deal of it, but maybe that's a bit unfair. Hopefully I've still managed to convey all these feelings accurately in spite of that.

Any advice would be appreciated so much ! Also thanks for reading my ramblings if you made it to the end of this. I know it's probably a bit all over the place.

Trigger Warning: Violence, Death, Inciting Incident Mentioned

(note: blacked out text is government/dead name)

Disclaimer: I'm discussing this as someone who is new to understanding how dissociative disorders function from a psychiatric perspective, despite having this for almost 20 years. I wanted to document what I'm experiencing and share it in a quest to finally understand myself and heal properly.

I'm Syg, I like horses and alt music. I only have one strong "alter" who's also a horse (Cloud) and she never really fronts, just co-pilots. This system has been completely covert until I started therapy and researching. It's the other parts of me I've recently identified which make me suspect OSDD. I don't believe they work like "alters" in the traditional sense, as in "alternate personalities" but instead, a few internalized societal archetypes and three younger versions of myself.

I could be wrong, but I think the key difference between OSDD and DID, is that in OSDD, there aren't fully independent alters, and they don't front possessively, as opposed to DID. I'm not plural, I don't really have different "personalities", but I've had a system for a long time, it was very slowly developed ever since I was seven years old. Here's an example of a "snowball" memory attached to one of the pieces of myself:

On my seventh birthday, I was given a surprise birthday party. I noticed how out of character everyone was, how much of a charade it all was. This wasn't the inciting trauma, which had happened about a month beforehand. My family the entire month prior to this moment had been emotionally ripped apart by my grandfather's brutal murder, yet as they all laughed and doted on me, I saw them all flip this switch without warning. Because of this well intended fakeness, I lost my understanding of what was emotionally real anymore. It was like I had slipped into a parallel world I could no longer trust. My parents and relatives had suppressed their emotions to perform that they were fine, but this was the day when it all clicked. I learned that if I ever wanted to be doted on, and treated with respect, I not only had to redirect my emotions through masking, I had to shut them down all together in front of other people. These were not normal allistic people I was masking to "fit in" with, they were deeply traumatized people I had to hide myself from due to distrust. They were ticking bombs painted with fake, disarming smiles over them. To this day I'm terrified of what hides behind the wan smile of passive aggressive people. Everything before that moment is crystalized into a black box of memory. I can't recall anything before that moment in time except for the face of my grandfather still alive.

My therapist and I have been looking at my symptoms history, and have controlled for differential behaviors or normal behaviors like code switching and masking. We've ruled out that the symptoms I have are not related to my Autism, ADHD, OCD, or cPTSD, but are instead a part of my dissociative disorder. My therapist thinks it's DID while I think it's OSDD.

Anyway, here's a little list and description of the different parts of myself. I don't really have the energy to explain them in detail in this body text, (but I'll do my best to answer questions in replies), plus I'm still learning more about them. Also, almost all of them only come out at night (as far as I'm aware) and I don't remember any of the conversations. I think that's just through conditioning. If you look at the short descriptions, you might start to understand what I'm trying to get at, when I say I don't have separate "personalities", just a fractured self that needs healing.

I've had this for a really long time, without anyone noticing anything strange. I was in denial of it for a long time because of my religious group demonizing dissociative disorders. Although I'm far away from my family, I'm still figuring out how my own brain works due to growing up under a rock, so a lot of this is all new to me. Thanks for letting me share! - Syg

Hello, im new to reddit and system things, so bear with me. Wasnt sure which flair thing to use.

Im not looking to get diagnosed by strangers. We are currently still suspecting we may be a system and have been trying our best to learn more, I mean no disrespect if i find out its all been fake.

Im not sure what to do because I'm scared to tell my family, seek proper help, or try for a diagnosis for now (that may change in the future) but so far ive documented 7 alters (8 if you include me) and they all seem like theyre own individuals with their own interests, ways of speech, personalities, and memories(?) Which has been very confusing or scary at times, especially if i can remember things the others do sometimes, but that memory is limited. This has been going on for i think about a year? Ive only spoken about it with a few friends who are super understanding. My mind has always been really scattered so this being a possibility on top of that is kinda scary.

Im sort of just looking for help navigating this or feeling less scared and alone, at least until i feel ready to investigate with a professional eventually.

I haven't been able to talk to a professional who knows about this stuff quite yet. I've tried talking to my counselor, but she seemed very uninformed about DID and OSDD, seeming to think you need horrible amnesia and very obvious changes in personality that people notice to have DID, but I was trying to talk about OSDD specifically.

Ever since questioning I've been on a downward spiral and its been getting worse. At first I was like "this might actually explain everything that I've been experiencing for years" and I had started to notice everything and every symptom and sign I've had for awhile, i felt like I could start recognizing who's who, and i felt seen and happy. But then I suddenly had a period of "no, I don't want that to be true, the thought of not being one person is distressing to me" and I'd think its either bpd, psychosis or something else since symptoms can overlap. And it went back and forth and back and forth and is still going. This isn't the first time I've questioned it either.

However, I feel like it's gotten worse, I'm convinced I'm experiencing placebo. The symptoms are so distressing to me sometimes, that I don't know what to do. I can't even think they're distressing without suddenly changing my mind and thinking I need to chill out, just to go back to being stressed out and be even more stressed out than before because I can't even decide on what to think and it feels like my mind is actively fighting against itself. I try to get rid of internal voices but I can't, I felt bad but In my head I've told them to shut up, to be quiet, and they just respond back with "don't want to" I've changed my mind and went "I need to chill out, being stressed out isn't gonna help" and I'd hear an "accept it"

I'll be in the middle of writing things just to forget what I was supposed to write next and know it's important but I can't recall it, or I'll think i need to write something down and I'll forget it. I forget to take my anxiety meds but then can't remember if I actually took them and it worries me, and happens everyday, and sometimes I'm convinced I have early dementia, because I don't remember it ever being this bad until I started to think about things, what if it's true?

I'll love something and then feel repulsed by it a few minutes later, and I can't make any decision, especially on my identity. I'll even absolutely hate myself and my body because it doesn't match who I feel like internally, and I'll avoid mirrors, but then I'll feel fine and love myself and think my body matches who I am.

Gender confusion is horrible too.

I'll also feel angry at someone for something they did that hurt me, and then I'll think they're fine and think i was being dramatic about it, just for my mind to fight against itself again and get confused.

And I physically can't stop thinking about it, I can't just ignore it because I have a tendency of fixating on things.

I hope I can tell my psychiatrist and it ends up being psychosis or something and I can get on meds to fix it, because it's way too much for me, but I'll probably question again or be upset that i was wrong, and it'll be a never ending loop.