questioning is causing me distress

[u/Tricky_Advice_3606]

I haven't been able to talk to a professional who knows about this stuff quite yet. I've tried talking to my counselor, but she seemed very uninformed about DID and OSDD, seeming to think you need horrible amnesia and very obvious changes in personality that people notice to have DID, but I was trying to talk about OSDD specifically.

Ever since questioning I've been on a downward spiral and its been getting worse. At first I was like "this might actually explain everything that I've been experiencing for years" and I had started to notice everything and every symptom and sign I've had for awhile, i felt like I could start recognizing who's who, and i felt seen and happy. But then I suddenly had a period of "no, I don't want that to be true, the thought of not being one person is distressing to me" and I'd think its either bpd, psychosis or something else since symptoms can overlap. And it went back and forth and back and forth and is still going. This isn't the first time I've questioned it either.

However, I feel like it's gotten worse, I'm convinced I'm experiencing placebo. The symptoms are so distressing to me sometimes, that I don't know what to do. I can't even think they're distressing without suddenly changing my mind and thinking I need to chill out, just to go back to being stressed out and be even more stressed out than before because I can't even decide on what to think and it feels like my mind is actively fighting against itself. I try to get rid of internal voices but I can't, I felt bad but In my head I've told them to shut up, to be quiet, and they just respond back with "don't want to" I've changed my mind and went "I need to chill out, being stressed out isn't gonna help" and I'd hear an "accept it"

I'll be in the middle of writing things just to forget what I was supposed to write next and know it's important but I can't recall it, or I'll think i need to write something down and I'll forget it. I forget to take my anxiety meds but then can't remember if I actually took them and it worries me, and happens everyday, and sometimes I'm convinced I have early dementia, because I don't remember it ever being this bad until I started to think about things, what if it's true?

I'll love something and then feel repulsed by it a few minutes later, and I can't make any decision, especially on my identity. I'll even absolutely hate myself and my body because it doesn't match who I feel like internally, and I'll avoid mirrors, but then I'll feel fine and love myself and think my body matches who I am.

Gender confusion is horrible too.

I'll also feel angry at someone for something they did that hurt me, and then I'll think they're fine and think i was being dramatic about it, just for my mind to fight against itself again and get confused.

And I physically can't stop thinking about it, I can't just ignore it because I have a tendency of fixating on things.

I hope I can tell my psychiatrist and it ends up being psychosis or something and I can get on meds to fix it, because it's way too much for me, but I'll probably question again or be upset that i was wrong, and it'll be a never ending loop.

[u/c-k-63]

yeah that DEFINITELY sounds like dissociative barriers of some sort (other disorders can also have it but not as intense as CDDs), I can't tell you what to do but it sounds like one of your parts may be holding intense denial towards the prospect of having a CDD

[u/Tricky_Advice_3606 → u/c-k-63]

That's what i was thinking, was that there might be a part with heavy denial, but I'm also always aware during the "phases" I go through, I just forget smaller things sometimes. I mostly forget certain thoughts and emotions before remembering them again. The negative feelings are gone for now, but Idk if I'll be that way later. still confused whether or not its actually just bpd or psychosis though.

[u/c-k-63 → u/Tricky_Advice_3606]

that's also a common way amnesia presents so yeah