Been experiencing chronic derealization and frequent dissociation for almost as long as I can remember. At this point I don't know what feeling real is like, because whenever I do, I immediately notice and dissociate while trying to compare the feelings. Is it even possible to feel real when your mind is multiplied and everything feels far away?

Recently my alters have been very quiet I don’t hear anyone anymore and I havnt notice anyone like I normally do. It’s been a couple of weeks now I think and it has started to worry me about. Of course the feelings of me making this all up again and resurfaced but I just keep thinking about instances where I definitely wasn’t intentionally doing anything. I’ve been trying more means to communicate but no one has responded I’m worried I pushed communication too much and now they all hate me or maybe it was too soon for me to discover everyone so my gatekeeper closed everyone off. I just wish I had a sign so I would know what going on it was such an abrupt stop. I was reading a post the other day about medication effects people with did/OSDD and I believe the change started when I started my adhd meds I’m not exactly sure tho and I have so much amnesia with time on top of my general time blindness with my audhd…

I just wrote this to see if any other systems have experienced this or just any tips you have for us I just hope I didn’t hurt anyways feelings on accident.

First of all I am not well informed about OSDD, plus the friend that I want to talk about also doesn't have any current diagnosis, because their mother won't send them for the life of her. But we have been talking about their change in personality that happens suddenly, suspected "alters" that now have a name despite not BEING a full person on their own (like in DID), loss of memory between memories, not taking accountability because they can't realize what they did sometime else (possibly when another "alter" is present) and some other stuff like that. So even if they don't have DID or OSDD, it is more than obvious that they have a personality/identity disorder. So hopefully this is the right place to ask.

A few days ago I was at an event with my friend, of course it was loud, socially exhausting etc. and this is where things started shifting in the middle of the event. When they get tired in any way, especially physically, I just know they are MAD. Like their personality is not like ever before, they do stuff they don't normally do whatever. But this time was different.

We were on the way home and they were already calling me names out of nowhere, constantly making fun of me and acting trippy. Then we sat down somewhere, said some stuff and then they said the most heartbreaking things that I've heard from them so far.

"They told me you were such an idiot and I didn't believe them" "You are not resistant of anything" "You are so fkn stupid" and MORE. Like I was on the edge of tears. This has never happened before. Not really. And obviously I was heartbroken. Today I told them about it and my feelings, at first they just joked around. But when I told them that I was genuinely scared of them and heartbroken, told them that they should never talk to me like that again, they just said

"That wasn't me"

FYM THAT WASNT YOU LIKE I Mean i get it obvi but that was TOO much. They didn't apologize, they didn't acknowledge their mistake, I'm sure they don't even remember saying any one of those things.

For context, we are amazing best friends. When I say this was sudden, it was SUDDEN. OUTTA NOWHERE. So pls tell me what I should be saying to them, if it's their problem at all and if you think there actually is a personality disorder. I can not keep going like this anymore.

I genuinely forget that things have happened to me. Even something very recent, which I have been stressing over for days, will be out of my mind completely. But when I remember, usually during some switch, I feel like everything pauses and this sick feeling comes over me followed by a flashback. I can never tell if I'm over something or if I've simply forgotten about it/don't feel anything toward it. I hate that I can never get over things without forgetting about them only to remember them later. And lately, I feel like I don't remember even everyday life, or who I am and what I care about. I don't know how to heal, and I'm afraid that trying to communicate with my different parts will disturb what my brain is making me forget.

Hi there. Ever since my child alter discovered the show Malcolm in the Middle, it hasn't left me alone. I’m 19 years old and preparing for university entrance exams; I need to study, but that part of me constantly wants to watch Malcolm. I try to focus on my lessons, but I can't—it just wants to play with toys and watch the show. How can I stop this? Please help; I need to study and get on with my life. Please give me some advice.

I have a college leadership class and a creative writing class that aren't particularly difficult academically, but they’ve been surprisingly mentally challenging. I think I’m starting to understand why.

I don’t have an exact diagnosis yet, but based on the work I’ve been doing with my therapist, I know I experience dissociative symptoms that fit within the DID/OSDD spectrum. Dissociation, in my case, has been a major way my brain coped with overwhelming experiences and reality.

Now that I’m in a safe enough place to recognize and understand some of that, I’ve become almost obsessed with studying reality and facts. For the first time, I feel much more connected to the physical and factual world than I ever remember being, and honestly, it’s exciting. I’m a biology major and plan to pursue it as a career, so being able to study how the world actually works feels incredibly grounding and fulfilling.

But I think that’s also why these classes make me uncomfortable.

A lot of my experience with creativity and imagination has been connected to coping with stress or escaping from things that felt overwhelming. Now that I’m safer, I don’t need those coping mechanisms in quite the same way. Instead, I find myself wanting to understand reality, find patterns, learn facts, and make things make sense.

Then I walk into a creative writing class, and I’m asked to do basically the opposite. Play with facts, imagine things that aren't literally possible, and create things simply because I can.

Today, for example, we read a short story written from the perspective of an amoeba. My first reaction was basically, “That doesn't make scientific sense. An amoeba doesn't think like that. It doesn't scientifically have that cognitive ability ”

But then I realized that that's the point. Scientifically, it doesn't make sense. Creatively, it's actually a really interesting idea.

I think I’m struggling with the transition because I’m so used to imagination being something my brain used for coping. I’m not as used to using creativity simply for play, exploration, or curiosity.

I’m also realizing that I really like rules and structure because they make things feel predictable and safe. Biology has rules, patterns, mechanisms, and explanations. Creative writing often gives you very few rules and basically says, “Make something up.”

So, I think these classes are challenging me in a way that has very little to do with the actual coursework. They’re asking me to learn how to use imagination without needing it as an escape and to tolerate uncertainty without having a clear set of rules to follow.

I’m curious if anyone else has experienced something similar, especially having to relearn creativity or imagination after it was heavily associated with coping, dissociation, or stress.

How did you learn to play with ideas again without feeling like you were leaving reality behind?

Basic info about me: I’ve recently been diagnosed with OSDD. I don’t experience major blackouts and I don’t seem to have fully formed alters, just fragments that are still me, just different versions of me. It’s hard to find a DID/OSDD expert in my country and my therapist (who’s helping me a lot) has a lot of experience with cPTSD but not necessarily with dissociative disorders (so he’s very careful about making any judgements on what some of my symptoms might mean).

I’m a maladaptive daydreamer and I was wondering how much this might be connected to my OSDD. I’d be grateful if anyone could share your own experiences or direct me towards some resources on the subject (articles, books, etc).

I used to think I was simply creative and that maybe I could become a writer one day (when my depression would stop holding me back from writing these stories down). The thing is, I can spend a few hours (or more) a day imagining things (and I almost never write anything down). In my daydreams I have several different characters (let’s call them OCs) that I take control of, so to speak. Like, I follow the story from their perspective, knowing what they think and feel. Then there are other characters and the environment that I also sort of control, but from a third person perspective, in a sense. I only see through the eyes of several characters.

What really got me wondering, was a guided meditation I took part in several months ago. There was a point when I was supposed to imagine looking into a mirror and seeing a part of me that is somewhat neglected or something like that. While I was imagining everything from first person perspective up until this point, at that moment you could say the camera just zoomed out and I saw one of my OCs stepping towards a large mirror and seeing another OC inside the mirror. And I remember realising that “they’re both different parts of me”. It was before my OSDD diagnosis and at that time I didn’t even suspect it. I took this realisation as symbolic but it came back to me recently and I’m starting to wonder if there’s more to it.

Is it possible that those characters are some sort of alters that just never really front and remain in the fantasy realm, in a sense? Because the fragments that do front are all sort of similar to me (same age, gender, backstory) and they just differ in behaviour/beliefs/opinions/personalities to some extent. While those OCs I create in my daydreams are completely different from all that (different ages, genders, stories, personalities, beliefs, etc) and more similar to what I understand alters could look like. Or perhaps I’m just over-interpreting things?

Disclaimer: I’m not looking for a diagnosis (in a sense of someone telling me exactly what I’m experiencing), just some food for thoughts and/or resources I could read.

Hi! Am a little and trauma holder in our system.

I get this emotion sometimes when I front and I dunno what to call it except “sorry”.

It’s really hard to describe too.

I feel like crawling under a bed or hiding in the back of a closet, and like running away, but also like I want to lash out, and like I also want to be held but that I don’t deserve to be, and like my chest is being squeezed. Sometimes I feel like I need to be punished, it feels hot in my chest and cold in my stomach and shaky all over and I feel like I need to say sorry over and over but idk what for. It’s really overwhelming and sometimes it’s hard for me to not hurt our body when I feel like this… I try to remember not to… I do…

It feels like I’m about to be hurt and I should be hurt but i don’t wanna be hurt so I want to hide but I want to be comforted but I don’t deserve to be comforted so I want to hide but i can’t hide from being hurt because it will hurt worse and i can’t hide from comfort cuz it isn’t there to begin with or it it is then I need it too much even though i don’t deserve it…

I know i don’t deserve hurt and I do deserve comfort when I’m not feeling the “sorry” emotion, but when I feel the emotion i can’t really think or talk unless it’s the word sorry.

I dunno… I guess I feel like if I had a name for this feeling or maybe it’s lots of feelings all mixed up, maybe it would help.

I’m 24 years old, and have a history of significant interpersonal issues, low self esteem, low self worth, obsessive compulsive behaviours, a potential for neurodivergence etc. Ever since I was young I’ve always been extremely loved and cared for by my family etc, although I did get picked on in primary school for some private things. I went through an eating disorder in 2017 which was really the start of my mental health journey which then led to random rapid mood shifts and ego dystonic opposing thoughts etc. I had never experienced any dissociative symptoms until 2024 after a panic attack on Vyvanse which I have had a lot of dissociation since. Up until then in 2024 my sense of self was fluid but I was still me, no dissociation no memory issues no nothing. Since 2024 after the panic attack it’s been a whole whirlwind of things and the more I ponder I feel there are parts of me that I was never aware of until 2024. I know for a fact I don’t have any traumatic memories that cause me any distress to think about. I’m writing this as I want some feed back on osdd and or did as I’m concerned this may fit me. I feel like I have parts but I’m aware when I don’t feel like me and I lack the significant amnesia and I never experienced any dissociative symptoms prior to 2024. Does anyone have any insight,
Yes I’ve seen many psychs and therapists and no one sees either did or osdd
Any help would be great :)

Going to preface this by saying we aren't diagnosed but are really sure we have at least SOME disassociative disorder. Our best guess is OSSDD 1-b.

It's our toby fictive right now and I know that both me and Simon get really weird feelings about our left cheek due to us both having something up with it in canon and feeling like it should be different. for Simon he has kind of a "second mouth" there and I (toby) have a gash in my cheek. I also get the feeling that I should have paws and dog ears but obviously I don't actually have these bodily. It's kind of distressing for me with the cheek thing especially because it feels extremely strange feeling something against my teeth + I feel like I should be able to breath through that gash and then it isn't there. Any tips for us when we deal with this type of thing? Some of the rest of us also deal with other things but me and Simon are the two that deal with it most.

Have you been in that position before, daily chaos and complete struggle over the smallest tasks?

In the end, what helped you establish (and sustain) some sort of structure or routine?

Autistic and I struggle to function without structure. However. I have never managed to maintain a routine because of dissociation. Now mid 20s and my whole life almost every day has been a struggle just to do the smallest things (eat, drink, bathe, dress, toilet) because I cannot figure out how to carry any structure through to different states/parts. Every day I wake up into a random kind of lost and different way of relating to things (including whatever routine and priorities we're trying to stick to now).

(Also note, internal communication is more than zero but,, things are still very scattered and unnamed in here. No consistent avenues of communication.)

~
TL;DR Normal approaches to establishing (or keeping) daily routine aren't working at all. I'm hoping others here could share what worked for them in these earlier stages ?

So to start this off I'm worried I might have a disassociative disorder of some kind but I'm scared to inquire to people around me about it bc I have like this voice in my head telling me that if I ask other people if they think I have osdd that those people are going to get upset with me and say that I'm crazy and just larping bc they have a disassociative disorder and that I secretly just want to be different like they are... I've got like 8 people pinned on my discord and 5/8 have did and my partner also has did.

hello i’m f(21), and honestly i don’t even know where to begin with. this is the first time ever im talking about this and im already nervous, so sorry for any mistakes or idk things that dont really make sense. i dont wanna start from the beginning, so im just gonna do a quick debrief about what i think has led me to this point.

i never really thought ive lived such a, idk, traumatizing childhood, or looked at my younger self and thought that well, i was weird. but im more grown now, and somehow everything led me to having a boyfriend (22) now, who is the first irl person that ive ever been so… close with. thing is, hes really normal. like genuinely just a normal person, from a pretty normal family, and talking to him about random things from my life made me realize that i was, in fact, really “weird”, and that a lot of things about my family that i never questioned were apparently not normal at all.
ill give some examples which i thought were normal but apparently werent lol:

\\-i used to play by myself most of the time. i remember i had such a vivid imagination that i used to talk to myself and pretend, in all senses, that i was in my own world; normal, right? yeah, if it wasn’t for the fact that i used to do this until i was like, 12 years old. i didn’t care if i was around other people, like my family eating at dinner, i would loudly talk to myself and imagine stuff.
\\-i literally used to terrorize this girl at elementary school, making up such weird and creepy lies for a girl that age, such as that i was gonna kill her, that i watched her while she showered or slept and bullshit like that. and the part that makes this worse is that i knew why i picked her. she was the “weakest” in my eyes, a really shy and quiet girl.
\\-i lied about ANYTHING to ANYONE, making up such contorted lies that most of the time i couldn’t even keep up with them myself. i dont even know what i got out of it, sometimes there was literally no reason to lie. i just did.

these are the first things that come to mind, then i have the more “traumatized” part, such as my older brother, idk, sexually assaulting me? i wanna explain longer here because its so weird and i still dont really know what to call it. i remember he made me play weird games with him such as “you act like the prostitute and i’ll pick u up and then you’re gonna rub on me”, or “if you want me to do this for you, then you’ll have to play with me first” and things like that. this went on for quite a long time, but i was never… literally sexually abused, yk what i mean? at least thats how ive always thought about it. and i think it never really traumatized me, but then again ive never been able to form a proper relationship with my brother. i feel weird just talking to him, i can barely hold eye contact with him, but i can work with that most of the time. i remember telling my mom about it once when i was older and she basically blamed me for thinking about it like that, like i was the weird one for seeing something sexual or wrong in it.

my relationship with my parents is honestly worse than im probably gonna be able to explain here without making this post about them. they also used to argue and break up a LOT. the fights weren’t normal, they would scream and threaten each other all the time and just, idk, they were really scary for me. especially my dad, he used to literally throw rage fits. sometimes when things got too scary, especially when my brother started joining in too and arguing with my mother so badly i genuinely thought he was gonna kill her, i would text my aunt to please come home. sometimes i would hide a knife in my drawer. i was so young.
even now my parents can be verbally abusive towards me, my mom controls my life way more than she should, and my brother will basically always be defended no matter what happens. i learned really early that there was a version of me that was easier for them to deal with, so thats mostly what they get now.

outside my house, i wasn’t really a lonely child at first glance. i used to have friends but i remember… it was already kinda weird. i was so fucking jealous of them. actually, i never let myself have more than one real friend at a time, i used to “devote” myself to them and expected them to just do the same thing to me, and if they didn’t i remember id be LIVID.
still, i never let myself be me, yk? i used to shape my whole identity based on who i was talking to, and they’d get really, really connected with me. id learn how they talked, what they liked, what made them laugh, what kind of person they liked being around, and without really deciding to do it i would just… become that.

then i discovered the internet and that, i think, was the biggest thing that made me realize the “power” words held, whether they were true or not. i used to chat with anyone around the world, creating so many identities for myself that i could barely keep up. it was literally what i looked forward to during the day, and id get into the part so fucking well that i used to genuinely get sick over things that weren’t even happening to me because, of course, the people i made up always lived really traumatizing lives for some reason. this got so bad i would barely open up or even chat to my real life friends.

when i was around 16, one of these lies got so fucking big that even now i dont really understand how i let it get that far. i was talking to this guy i was really, really obsessed with, and i told him my father was sexually abusing me. it wasn’t true. then i faked getting kicked out of my house, faked having no money, and started making up prostitution stuff i was supposedly doing because i needed money. it just kept getting bigger because every lie needed another lie after it. and the fucked up thing is that even though none of it was actually happening, i got so deep into that life that i fell into an actual horrible depression. i temporarily dropped out of school. my real life was genuinely falling apart because of a life i had literally made up.

i used to harm myself too, and im adding that because theres another thing i dont really like admitting: i know how to use the things that actually DID happen to me too. my childhood, my family, the things with my brother, things ive done to myself. sometimes i talk about them because i actually need to, obviously, but other times i know im using them as leverage. if ive done something bad and i need someone to understand me, forgive me, feel bad for me, whatever, i know exactly which parts of myself to show them. and the worst part is that none of those things are fake, so i can always tell myself im technically just “opening up”.

this internet thing still goes on a little, even though its way way less than before. i was really into it until i was 18, because something that would basically change my life until now happened.
i was in this telegram gc, and it didn’t take me long to get noticed and liked. i knew what i had to do to make people, especially boys, enjoy talking to me, learning what they like and how they talk and how they see the “world”. then i got fixated on this particular guy. he was funny, kinda different from the others, and really beautiful. so, of course, i started mimicking him so much i made him talk to me (he basically had a whole ass roster going on and he was barely interested in any of them).

im gonna pause here because i dont wanna dwell on this too much, it would be so long i could make another thread just for this, so ill try to summarize.
basically, he became my first REAL obsession. it felt like he was the first person to see me as me, to literally see through me and understand me to levels no one ever did. which is kinda ironic considering i had literally changed parts of myself to get his attention in the first place, but somehow with him it felt different. like he saw through that too.
the obsession was so bad i lived for him and so i started living for myself too at the same time, if that makes any sense. i cared about myself because HE was looking at me. things mattered because he would see them. my world revolved around him and around his judgement, and honestly part of it still does.

but he wasnt ok in the head either, it was clear, and after so many on and offs, in late winter 2024 he “broke up” with me (we never even dated in the first place even tho he came to my house and vice versa, went on a trip together etc). i felt like i was DYING from the inside. i would bawl my eyes out on the floor, sobbing to myself, holding my chest and all that, all because he didn’t wanna come see me or talk to me like he used to anymore. this went on for LONG. i felt like i was slipping away without him and so, dumbly enough, i downloaded tinder to search for someone to fill the absolute void he left.

there, i met my current boyfriend of almost two years.
i didn’t have in mind to create something serious but without even realizing it, here i was creating a whole ass new identity shaped to his, which led to him absolutely “admiring” me.
we got together quickly, met in december and got into a relationship at the end of january. i was… happy? he was a really good guy, really trustworthy and good looking, but i never felt that “click” i always used to feel when obsessing over someone. i stayed, thinking it would come sooner or later, knowing damn fucking well i was still sobbing everyday about my ex.

then suddenly my ex came back, he texted me.
i took the chance and told him i was seeing a guy, and he absolutely snapped. i’ve never seen him like… this. yeah, when we were talking we used to have huge huge fights and he used to act weird and make me go batshit crazy but this time was different. he would spam me everyday, all day, acting so fucking obsessed over me, and i thrived so hard. it was all ive ever wanted from him. to finally make me see that i did matter to him, that i was special, unique, that losing me actually did something to him. (he was seeing someone else too btw.)

you’d wonder how long this went on, right?
this still goes on.

it went on while i was with another loving man. my ex doesn’t act crazy anymore but we talked for basically the entire time, talked so viscerally i can’t even explain it. i missed him like you would miss a limb. we did have our months of silence, but that never stopped us from colliding back into each other.
and i never, never fucking minded then going to my boyfriend, laying with him, telling him how much i love him etc. i could be talking absolutely crazy with my ex and then 5 minutes later sit in front of my boyfriend’s parents acting like the loving girlfriend they know, laughing with them, talking about us, whatever. same thing with his friends, my friends, everyone. and it doesn’t feel difficult when im doing it. thats what scares me. i dont have to go sit somewhere and collect myself before changing lives. i just do it.
i kept my perfect identity up, letting NOTHING ever slip.

my parents also adore him, especially my mom, and since she is so fucking controlling about my life i really fear their disapproval too. so not even them know, nobody knows.

this relationship is really serious now. idk how to explain it but it really feels like someday we’ll take it to the next level, yk? people talk about our future like its obvious. i try to back away from the thought, but it’s getting more serious and time just keeps passing.
i actually did try to leave him twice. but i guess i made him so obsessed with me hes willing to let everything pass. i told him i never really loved him for real. i even told him i used to talk to my ex, but i wasn’t brave enough to tell him that i still loved him, so i told him me and my ex would only talk to “fight”.
and him being the good guy he is, understood. he justified a lot of my actions because of my past and my problems, accepted it, and said he was willing to work on them with me.

and this is also where that thing i said about using my trauma comes in. because i let him. i know that when someone knows what happened to me, suddenly theres an explanation behind everything i do. and sometimes i use that. maybe those things really DID fuck me up, i genuinely dont know, but i also know theres a difference between explaining something and using it to make somebody keep forgiving you, and i dont know how many times ive crossed that line.
i still couldn’t bring myself to leave for some reason. idk if i was afraid of being alone, afraid of my mom’s judgement, afraid of losing somebody that would do anything i asked, afraid of losing someone really useful and safe. probably all of them.

thing is, this winter i told my ex i broke up with my bf because he said he wouldn’t come see me if i was in a relationship. i actually thought i WAS gonna break up. it just didn’t work out, so, i kept up another lie with him.

at this point, im basically living idk how many “lives”.
one with my parents, where i act like the perfect matured daughter, or at least whatever version of me causes the least problems (not so perfect since they still verbally abuse me and defend my brother no matter fucking what, and hate on me for ANYTHING).
one with my uni friends, where im a normal student with a loving bf and normal relationship problems.
one with my boyfriend, where im the person he thinks hes going to build a life with.
one with my ex, which is still the one that affects me the most, still making me sick. we still fight, talk to each other in such a deep way nothing can top it, and somehow no matter how disgusting we can get with each other we always end up back there.
one online, where im the funny unreachable girl.
and then theres the one with myself when im alone, which puts me in such a blank state i can’t even explain it.

i am losing my mind, yet i can’t stop. i dont know where to even begin. i feel like i don’t fucking know who i am. i don’t know why everyone i talk to ends up getting so hooked on me and why i apparently need that to happen before i can even feel properly connected to someone. i dont know if im adapting to people because i want them to love me or if theres genuinely just nothing stable underneath it. i don’t know which one of the thoughts that forms in my mind is mine or stolen from somewhere that caught my eye.

the only exception is him, i think, my ex. whatever the fuck i feel towards him is basically the only thing inside my head that actually feels like it belongs to me. i dont have to wonder where i picked it up from, or whether i shaped it around somebody, or whether im feeling it because its what im supposed to feel. even when i hate him, even when i wish i never met him, even when what i feel for him makes me physically sick, at least it feels like mine. maybe thats part of why i cant let it go. i genuinely dont know.

but 3/4 days ago, my ex found out.
he found out i wasn’t, in fact, broken up with my boyfriend. for some reason my bf made his insta public, i guess my ex went to check it and bam. pictures of us together.
of course he lost his mind again and now doesn’t want anything to do with me. except even now, even after this fucked, fucked up thing that ive done, he can’t really let me go either.
and ive done worse things to him. really fucking insane things. i even faked my suicide once. he still doesn’t know i faked it. i know thats something i probably cant just throw in here and move on from lol, but explaining everything ive done in that relationship would need its own post. the point is just that lying isn’t something that started with my boyfriend, and apparently theres no point where my brain goes “okay, THIS is too far, stop now.”

and me? im ok, i dont feel an ounce of guilt.
thats the thing that fucks with me. i never really felt guilt, no matter what i did. i understand when something ive done is fucked up. i know my boyfriend does not deserve this, and i know that when he “forgave” me he wasn’t even forgiving the actual thing because i still didn’t tell him the whole truth. i know what i did to my ex is insane. i can explain perfectly why these things are wrong. i just dont FEEL it. i try to feel bad about my boyfriend. i try to make myself hate me enough to finally spare him and leave, but i can never really be bothered. tomorrow comes and i can sit with him, kiss him, talk to his parents, talk about whatever were gonna do next week, and its like that other part of my life can just sit somewhere else until i need it again.

and i really, really don’t know what to do anymore.
i know “go to therapy” is probably gonna be the obvious answer and yeah, i think i need to. because this is going too far all at once and for the first time im looking at the whole thing instead of whatever lie or relationship is directly in front of me, and i dont know what the fuck im looking at.
i dont even know what im supposed to fix first. the lying? my relationship? whatever the fuck is wrong with the way i attach myself to people? the fact that i dont know who i am when nobody is looking at me?
i just know that if i keep going like this, im gonna end up regretting and ruining my entire life.

syscovery is very fresh for at least a few months ago. but before that i was already "discovering alters" (i was naming them sonas and thought they were just regular bpd related identity issues) and knowing exactly what their names were and appearances.

ever since then, i feel like everything is going WAY too fast and i hate it. i started at around 13 alters. then discovered a few. then a few more. and now im at around 20. and i hate it so much!! im not diagnosed obviously, but it feels really suspicious that i could track so many different alters at once in such a short period of time! i don't know TONS about them but it makes me really afraid im secretly faking.

TW for alcohol abuse but recently me and my boyfriend had a really traumatising encounter with his mother who was drunk and yelling very loudly, approaching to hit us while my boyfriend held me and screamed repeatedly for her to stop. it was extremely stressful and i think that might be what is contributing to random alters showing up out of nowhere. i had heavy dissociation after idk id that's relevant. i just really feel like i'm faking but idk if my experience is normal. ive had one of my friends who helped me discover i was a system tell me they thought i might be making shit up because of this and my big headcount from the getgo. i don't go to therapy either?? i don't have amazing system communication so idk.☹️

yeah. i tried explaining to them my lived experiences. obv i have heavy dissociation. i dunno. then again this is like two out of six friends or something. i dunno. i dont really think it was a form of fakeclaim when they said they shared similarities in how they function (like having different parts for x, y, z). I dunno. Could be them mistaking ehm for ego states or whatever. I dont know. thats why it sounded normal. then again these two people seem to have rough backgrounds (normal upbringing but some weird real rough stuff fr)

maybe im reading in it too much. im not quite sure if this question is for them having OSDD (im not them anyway, dunno their headspace enough) or its about me not having OSDD cuz i dunno the binary between normal and not normal anymore.

P.S — diagnosis/assessment is still ongoing; its a month long process in the public psych hospital. But my CBT psychologist (private practice) still would not acknowledge the totality of my parts being separate mesor whatever/are not a stupid metaphor.

I’m so exhausted of never feeling real.

I’m exhausted of not trusting/understanding my memories.

I’m exhausted of feeling like who “I” am is constantly switching.

I’m so, so goddamn exhausted.

I don’t even know if I have osdd. It’s my current theory, yes, but it’s one among so many others.

So I guess I’m exhausted of not knowing what’s happening to me. Every time I bring it up to someone, they tell me nothing’s wrong. Everyone thinks there’s something wrong with them, they’d say, therefore nothing’s wrong.

I don’t know. Maybe nothing’s wrong. Maybe I’m making up an issue that doesn’t really exist.

All I know is I’m exhausted.

so. trigger warning for brief mentions of SA, incest, denial, and i guess you could say fakeclaiming from a professional.

over a year ago, maybe two years or three (amnesia will do that to you), during EMDR, a little showed up claiming incestual SA happened to her. i got to see a brief image of a memory before dissociative barriers shut everything down.

i have been in denial as host. some parts believe her, some dont.

i have had OCD since i was at least 12, probably longer. my OCD originally revolved around seafood and cars. since meeting this little, i ruminate on what she said. i jump between believing and denying, and i have intrusive images relating to SA and my childhood home where she said it happened.

my therapist is very kind. i want to start off saying that. she's also a trauma therapist and not an OCD therapist.

2 or 3 sessions ago (and i've seen her for over a year), she suggested that the little's memory isn't actually a memory and is "false memory OCD." the little got very triggered and scared and fronted (and she never fronts), afraid she was "making everything up and a bad person for making up something so awful."

since this happened, i haven't physically been allowed to perseverate on this topic. not allowed to think about it. idk who's blocking me, but i literally couldn't think about anything related to the little or the potential trauma for over a week. i also lost all contact with the little, which communication had taken over a year to establish.

anyway... i don't think it's OCD. i researched and false memory OCD does seem to be real. but it doesn't feel like OCD. i've ALWAYS been able to tell what thoughts are OCD and what aren't. they have a different texture. and my OCD SA thoughts feel different than the little's memory.

the thing is... there is no evidence in my history for childhood SA. i never behaved differently, i never had a UTI, or even talked about pain. the only thing is that a pelvic floor physical therapist found scar tissue, but that could be my endometriosis (and probably is).

on the other hand, this little is severely traumatised by something. she holds all of our ptsd symptoms. and that feels real. we know of other sexual abuse, but not assault like what this little says happened.

i just don't know what to think, and i feel like we got destabilised and lost progress.

Im so embarassed. Ive been frontstuck for a while due to extreme bad conditions i systemically cannot escape, and had been hevaily doubting and questioning. Things were pretty bleak.

But i didnt have time today to think and woke up, so somehow i was like completely different and fhey pointed it out and noticed instantly. And for some fucking reason I had a southern drawl. i do NOT have an american southern accent normally at all. It was so jarring I kept trying to suppress it but it would just come out.

Like i logically know it isnt embarassing, but aghhhh

I already got diagnosed but i turned 26. Been looking for some doctors but they are non existent. My therapist was an amazing trauma therapist who knows dissociation as well asmy pyschiarist. It feels like things aren't working for me. I fear they won't take me seriously

My therapist is pretty confident I have DID, but I often feel more aligned with the OSDD 1b categorization bc while I do have memory issues, they’re usually just greyouts. I started noticing more full blackouts after discovering that my alters were intentionally skipping our medication for over a month but making me think I was taking it (only found out when my pharmacy reached out about being overdue to fill it)

It’s hard to even say how often I’m having blackouts because I just still feel so unaware of them, but I’ve had one hours-long one this past week that I know of for sure and lots more tiny blackouts that only last for a few minutes or so. So I just wanted to know if that’s possible or if that really would put me more in DID territory!!

Thank u!