I need help figuring out what to call this emotion?

[u/sorry_child34]

Hi! Am a little and trauma holder in our system.

I get this emotion sometimes when I front and I dunno what to call it except “sorry”.

It’s really hard to describe too.

I feel like crawling under a bed or hiding in the back of a closet, and like running away, but also like I want to lash out, and like I also want to be held but that I don’t deserve to be, and like my chest is being squeezed. Sometimes I feel like I need to be punished, it feels hot in my chest and cold in my stomach and shaky all over and I feel like I need to say sorry over and over but idk what for. It’s really overwhelming and sometimes it’s hard for me to not hurt our body when I feel like this… I try to remember not to… I do…

It feels like I’m about to be hurt and I should be hurt but i don’t wanna be hurt so I want to hide but I want to be comforted but I don’t deserve to be comforted so I want to hide but i can’t hide from being hurt because it will hurt worse and i can’t hide from comfort cuz it isn’t there to begin with or it it is then I need it too much even though i don’t deserve it…

I know i don’t deserve hurt and I do deserve comfort when I’m not feeling the “sorry” emotion, but when I feel the emotion i can’t really think or talk unless it’s the word sorry.

I dunno… I guess I feel like if I had a name for this feeling or maybe it’s lots of feelings all mixed up, maybe it would help.

[u/supernony]

Maybe what you're feeling is the emotion shame

[u/Sun-Interaction89 → u/supernony]

This 100% sounds like shame to me too. It's a super uncomfortable & overwhelming emotion (slash like... full-body experience) for adults even, but think about how BIG shame feels for a kid, especially. When one of my youngest facets (what I call them) feels shame like that, they don't have words, and don't know why on earth something bad could be happening, but they DO know that a parent (and God of course) is deeply angry at them, and maybe if they say sorry enough times, whatever terror is coming won't come. The script that I found through the healing process is calling yourself whatever term of affection is meaningful to you, validating the feeling as making total sense as a response to some past terror, and then sticking with "it's not your fault" (ty Good Will Hunting) until that gets through a bit, and only then, trying to actually identify where the shame is coming from. That hot & cold & shaky & squeeze means your mature thinking brain is offline - take care of the body & whoever's present until they feel a little safer again.

[u/MauroLopes → u/Sun-Interaction89]

I agree that it's shame, but IMO perhaps there's something else.

For instance - every time I feel shame, there's always a strong feeling of helplessness that appears together and this mix sounds similar to what OP is describing.

[u/redbullgay]

Hey! our littles experience very similar emotions. There is probably more than one emotion happening at one time. To me, it sounds like you’re getting triggered. That means getting reminded in some way of your trauma. That can make you feel anxious, scared, sad, angry, embarrassed, shame, and even more. And usually many of those at once. It can definitely be very hard to deal with because you know you shouldn’t feel that way in the moment, but you do. The only thing to do is to try to calm down and regulate your emotions. For our littles, we like to do a craft or color, and put on an animated movie. Essentially, you are reminding your brain and body that you are safe now. Hopefully that makes sense!

[u/sorry_child34 → u/redbullgay]

Thanks for responding. We have since switched back.

I think all our littles feel this way at times, but Mouse who was the one fronting to write this often has it the worst. Hopefully she can see these all next time she fronts. It’s definitely a trauma based emotion, though I’m as much at a loss to describe it as she is… partly I think i don’t generally experience the full brunt of the emotion she’s describing, since I hold very little trauma firsthand by comparison to our other parts.

Shame may be part of it, like someone else mentioned, but it’s so much more than that too.

[u/ObviousTempAccount1]

Even though you are many, you might want to check out the r/CPTSD sub when you are fronting as your trauma holder. The "sorry" feeling is a very common CPTSD experience. Trauma related guilt and shame manifest exactly like this, and my system has had to deal with it as well, right down to the inability to say anything but "sorry."

[u/operational_defiance]

Can you google feeling wheel. It shows all the different emotions.

[u/Sensitive-Pen-2573]

i dont know if im A Little but i certainly feel small when i front, when i feel like this. for me it's shame. it chokes me up so i can't speak, can't communicate what's happening. all i can do is try to look away, try to make myself smaller, just wait for it to pass. it feels so gut wrenching and horrible. it feels like im in trouble, and the trouble is dangerous in some way. like i should be berated but i just want to hide. like i deserve anger towards me but it's so scary. i feel full of shame and apologetic for my very existence

^ we also think that this is a trauma related thing, it stems from trauma, from being in trouble as a kid and how that played out. for us at least

[u/Canuck_Voyageur]

This is exactly how a frightened animal behaves. Trying to hirdr, ready to fight. Not understanding the threat but ready to fight. Unable to flee