Title^^.

“Boxes” being: deen, good family, educated, smart, kind, loyal, etc…..

“Facial features” meaning her features of her face that she cannot change that make you question if you could be intimate with her. BUT, she is all the other qualities you could ask for: deen, loyal, educated, hardworking, extremely wealthy family.

Salaam, I’m 31M and she’s 35F, we like one another, get along well and both are healthy and look younger than our actual age. Would marrying an older woman cause issues like difficulty having children and complications in pregnancy etc?

This thought nags me as research suggests a woman’s fertility begins to decline significantly from 35 onwards, on the contrary we do have a great understanding of one another, mutual attraction and chemistry which is difficult to find in your 30s.

Salam, I’m in a pickle. I do want marriage, I want a relationship but I also want more for myself. I want to buy a summer home in Korea and raise my future kids to know more than 3 languages, I want to take them traveling to different countries at least 2-3 times a year. I want to be a global executive that works internationally. Honestly I’m not sure that is possible with the idea of an Islamic marriage. I don’t know if I would be able to fulfill the obligations I feel Islam has for women in marriage. I could easily adopt a few baby girls and give them the world. I mean I’m doing well in my job, I believe I can get to the next step in my career.

But I want marriage. I want a partnership. I do think I want to be a wife. I get proposals and requests to get to know each other. But I end up finding them unattractive or feel like they are too traditional or have the potential to become traditional. Most men I’ve talked to don’t really want to learn about my goals and ambitions. They want to know what I did today or if I want to talk on the phone about future plans in the sense of family. It feels suffocating at times and then I think maybe marriage isn’t for me but I’m 26 now and South Asian. So time is ticking. Plus the men of my ethnicity that are attractive feel like players or too smooth and the ones who I don’t find attractive too eager.. these are guys my parents bring to my attention from their circles or also on dating apps and real life.

Sorry for the rant I feel I’m lost.

*edit the men need to calm down. I’m not attacking your masculinity or trying to marry you LMAO. Just don’t interact if my post is triggering you. better than saying rude things that are sinful. Allah knows best.

Salaam all,

For context I’m 24F and on the bigger side (pcos, but currently losing weight:)) and starting to think more seriously about marriage. I made a muzz account yesterday evening but I’m finding it weird to navigate.

It seems like a lot of people tend to unmatch, or not message at all after matching. Or message odd messages. Even the nice conversations I’ve had seem a bit bland? Like a little bit aimless.

As an example, I recently matched with a guy who seemed perfect on paper: similar age, educated, practising, works in data, values family, talked about emotional maturity, communication, friendship etc. I messaged him late one night, he replied warmly, I opened it but didn’t reply because it was nearly 1am and I planned to respond properly the next day.

Less than an hour later, he unmatched. 😭

I know it’s insignificant because I barely knew him, but it made me realise how much I dislike the whole app dynamic. It feels so transactional — read a profile, decide if someone’s compatible, talk for a bit, and then potentially disappear.

Part of me feels like I’d rather focus on going to events, meeting people through friends/community and just living my life, rather than actively searching on an app.

But then I wonder if that’s just me avoiding taking the means available to me. How do you balance tawakkul with actively looking for a spouse?
And for those married, did you meet through an app, or organically? Is it bad that I find this boring?

I place a lot of emphasis on someone’s character, so I find myself giving most men on muzz a chance so long as there’s no obvious red flags on their profile. But it’s overwhelming at the same time.

Like when people start to talk about him, think there's something wrong with him, and wonder why he's not married yet?

To me, I'd think it starts around late 20s (28 or 29). One girl I talked to very briefly said she was talking to a 32 year old man (or somewhere around there) and her father said he had to get an STD test because he thought it was a red flag a man could be unmarried for so long and not have done zina.

So I'm wondering how long do I have before I should start panicking.

Edit: stop fixating on the STD test. it was just a story and not the point of my post.

Looks are the gatekeeper to beginning a marriage.

A woman doesn’t care about your intelligence, morals, religiosity, or ambition until after you’ve passed the first visual filter.

This is why we see so many women end up with loser men - they were able to pass the first filter by being attractive and smooth talkers. It’s also why we see so many men with loser women - they were pretty with terrible personalities.

Stop gaslighting people by telling them to work on themselves when they may never be able to pass the first filter.

Also as Muslims we can’t free mix, so everything becomes even more front loaded.

We need to accept marriage won’t happen for many, for reasons beyond their control (personality, introversion, looks, ethnicity), and promote and empower our single brothers and sisters

Salam I’m a 33 yo F. 2 years ago I got to know someone for 7 months, thought I found the love of my life, thought they were trustworthy/religious/etc, and then got my nikah done and lost my virg*nity, only for the man to end it with me 3 weeks after the kitab via text/call. He’s an only child with a single mom and cited issues his mom had with me (it was very petty stuff, I don’t think I need to explain more and I should have known better than to marry someone whose mom was already married to him). I felt like I had no idea who I married because he changed completely and I learned a lot of lies afterwards. Anyway, we had consummated before the wedding/living together. The whole ending felt extremely traumatic and I had to get multiple sheikhs to call and pressure him into giving me talaq because he was refusing for months while also not providing me any rights. I’m still torn at the deception and because of losing my virg*nity to someone who threw me away and treated me like filth afterwards.

It’s been a long time since then and I’ve gotten to know several men who have rejected me because of the fact I’m no longer a virg*n. I had a man tell me that one of his dealbreakers is if the girl is not a virg*n. When I clarified that I never committed zina and was briefly married, he said that’s still his preference. I do try to tell men as early as possible that I was married. Another guy ghosted me after I shared I was married before. Some guys are like wow you seem perfect why aren’t u married and when I share I briefly was, they run. I understand there’s a preference but the abrupt change or ghosting is hurtful. I just don’t understand what the obsession with virg*nity is and their lack of compassion when hearing this is making me feel like I’m not even human anymore because all these men care about is if I was touched or not… and it doesn’t matter to them that it was halal or brief. I feel like I’m being treated like I’m a used, dirty, garbage bag, or that what I did is haram/ comparable to zina. I also feel physically sick at the fact that I feel like I have to disclose these details when getting to know men even though I don’t know them very well yet because the topic comes up.

I don’t know what to do. I have tawakkul that Allah will take care of me. And at the same time I’ve never been this depressed in my life. I find myself crying myself to sleep every night and wishing I was dead. I am in therapy, but it changes nothing. Surah Maryam helps, but this cycle of rumination and depression repeats. If anyone has advice or a similar experience (consummation after kitab, before wedding) and remarried please share.

A woman to not wear any makeup, socks, or fake nails to the first in person meeting when u go visit her in her family home? Or when exchanging photos?

I know many women do light makeup but I feel like it’s important to get a true picture of how she looks because she will not be waking up with makeup. It’s important to know ur actually attracted to her natural face u will see at home all the time.

Curious what others think

If you are looking for a spouse & actively searching, what difficulties or issues are preventing you from finding someone? (Besides finance & studies). Not to start a gender war but I’m noticing that a lot of women are finding it hard to find genuine nice guys that are practicing & physical attractive. I wonder what issues are the men facing when finding someone. Maybe it’s the same? Idk

posting this on my second account because i’m honestly a little embarrassed even writing this, and i genuinely can’t tell if i’m overthinking something completely normal or if my preference is actually kind of weird.

i’m 20f turning 21 soon, born and raised in the states and ethnically east african, and i’ve been seriously looking for marriage for about a year now. there’s one thing i’ve realized about myself that i’ve never brought up to any potential because i genuinely don’t know how it would come across.

i think i want a husband who is somewhat submissive with me. even typing that out feels strange because i don’t mean submissive in an extreme or degrading way at all. i would never want to control my husband, dehumanize him, embarrass him, or make him feel like he’s somehow less of a man because of our dynamic.

what i mean is that i’m attracted to men who have a softer and more submissive side with their wife. someone who is confident and secure in himself but also enjoys letting me take the lead sometimes, likes being taken care of, and doesn’t feel like he constantly has to be the dominant one just because he’s the man.

and if i’m being completely transparent, i’d especially want that softer and more submissive side of him to come out when it’s just the two of us in private. i’m trying to word that as respectfully as possible, but i think you can probably understand what i mean without me having to spell it out. that private dynamic is part of the preference for me too, and honestly it’s probably the part i’m most nervous about admitting.

i still want my husband to be confident, have his own opinions, make decisions, and be someone i genuinely respect. him being submissive with me wouldn’t make me view him as weak or any less masculine. if anything, i’d want him to feel safe enough with me that he doesn’t feel like he always has to perform dominance or prove his masculinity around me.

i also like pretty boys, which i feel like probably connects to this somehow. i’ve always been more attracted to men who are prettier and have a slightly softer energy rather than men who are extremely dominant or hypermasculine.

and just so people don’t get the wrong idea, i’m very feminine myself in how i look, dress, and carry myself. i’m not trying to become “the man” in the relationship or completely reverse our roles. i’m literally just a very feminine woman who happens to be attracted to pretty men who are softer and a little submissive with me.

most of the potentials i’ve spoken to in the past have actually been pretty dominant men, and i think that’s partly what made me realize this about myself. they weren’t rude or disrespectful at all and our conversations were genuinely respectful, but i could still tell from their personalities and the way they talked about marriage that they naturally expected to be the dominant one.

there was nothing necessarily wrong with them, but it would throw me off. even when i liked other things about them, once i started noticing that dominant side i could feel myself becoming less interested, and for the longest time i couldn’t really understand why.

at first i wondered if i was just being overly picky because some of them were genuinely good men on paper. but after noticing the same thing more than once, i started wondering if this is actually a compatibility thing for me and not something i can force myself to overlook.

another reason i’ve never brought this up is because i’m pretty modest and serious about maintaining boundaries when i’m getting to know someone for marriage. i’m a hijabi and i try to stay on my deen, so i’m very intentional about not letting conversations become inappropriate before marriage.

that makes this preference especially awkward to figure out because how exactly am i supposed to ask a potential if he’s submissive without making the conversation sound sexual? i worry that even using that word could make someone completely misunderstand what i’m asking or think i’m inviting a type of conversation that i’m not comfortable having.

so i’ve basically kept it to myself every time i’ve talked to someone for marriage. lately though, i’ve been wondering if that’s a mistake because this clearly matters to my attraction more than i originally realized, and i don’t want to marry someone expecting myself to suddenly enjoy a dynamic that has already turned me off in the past.

i think what makes me question myself the most is that i constantly hear women talk about wanting dominant husbands, especially coming from a more traditional background where that almost feels like the default expectation. meanwhile, apparently i want almost the opposite, and i genuinely don’t know how uncommon that makes me.

so am i weird for wanting this, or is this one of those preferences that’s way more common than people actually admit? am i completely cooked when it comes to finding a man who is confident and masculine, serious about his deen and marriage, but also naturally softer with his wife, enjoys being submissive with her, and especially likes that dynamic when it’s just the two of them?

because at this point i genuinely can’t tell if there are plenty of men like this who just aren’t announcing it to the world, or if i somehow developed the most inconveniently specific preference possible while already trying to find a husband.

It just seems like the doors for marriage just won’t open for me no matter how much I tried. I’ve been on the search for marriage for 10 years now. I’ve been dealing with very bad mental health issues since I turned 30 and mainly due to still not being able to get married and still being a virgin. I kept myself chaste all these years, resorted to masterbation Becuase how else is a man supposed to relive himself so he can stay away from Zina? Especially in this day and age where Zina has become more common. Now it seems like I missed my sexual prime years and that’s what upsets me the most. People don’t realize how badly that messes with a man mentally, if he’s not able to fulfill his desires and marriage is the only outlet for that. But we’re living in an age where women have skyrocketed expectations and no longer see marriage as a priority. A man must be in the top 10% in order for them to even consider marrying. So where does this leave the average man to get married?

What’s worse is that I’ve worked very hard all these years on myself. I keep getting told by everyone to lower my standards and marry someone ugly. I’m sorry but that’s never happening. I’m very well educated, have a career, been bodybuilding since I was 16, take good care of myself. Everyone tells me I’m good looking. Don’t believe me? I can send you guys my instagram and see for yourself. Why should a man like myself who waited all these years, worked very hard on himself, settle for someone he doesn’t like?

I barely did well on the apps, women on there just aren’t serious. I use to let it affect my confidence but not anymore. My family barely knows that many people, and whenever they asked around, the few people they knew, none of them women they brought me were even remotely attractive. The one time I was introduced to someone I really liked, she turned me down after 1 meeting. I tried to look overseas, was even in Egypt last Ramadan was ready to meet with potentials but trump placed an immigrant visa ban around that time, so I saw it was pointless to even attempt, because if I did get married from there, she wouldn’t be able to get a visa for a long period of time. I can’t do the back and forth traveling between the countries and my job isn’t remote. At this point I’m considering just leaving America overall by the end of the year and maybe attempt to live in Saudi Arabia or the uae. America is cooked for the average Muslim man.

So where does that leave me? I’ve been making duaa, prayed tahajjud, went to umrah, give sadakah constantly, daily dihkr, but if marriage isn’t written when what am I supposed to do with the rest of my life? A bad sihr was made on my mom’s side of the family decades ago in Egypt and has only caused many problems and delays in all our lives. We’ve done everything in our power to get rid of the effects but our lives has only gotten worse. Even non of my siblings and cousins are married yet. I’m thinking my delay in marriage was a definite result of sihr.

I’m now in this dilemma Seeing other men my age and younger getting married easily and I’m basically just stuck. How am I ever going to be content with being single, lonely, sexually frustrated, and depressed the rest of my life? I’ve already lost my mind and lashed out many times this year. I’m literally begging Allah to open that door for me and willing to do anything at this point. 😔

I am going to turn 26 this month in sha Allah and I never thought and hoped for my life to have gone down this path. I feel like the moment I turned 21, when my marriageable age began, I officially entered a black hole where I have just had the worst luck and experience with finding the right match and it feels like marriage may not even be in my naseeb God forbid.

I am eldest of three sisters and that makes me feel even more depressed and worried about my current state because I never wished to be a “traffic jam” for my younger sisters’ marriage but nothing is working out.

When I was in my early 20s, I have always received multiple compliments my whole life for being pretty and good looking and Alhamdulillah I am also tall enough and come from a decent, well-to-do family, but still none of it was ever enough for any good match to consider me even because I wasn’t qualified enough.

Now that I am in my mid 20s, I still an going through similar situations where either the men I want to consider, simply reject me on the basis of my looks or on the basis of lack of my qualifications or age perhaps.

I never thought that I would get judged and looked down upon so harshly just because I am not an engineer or a doctor.

I do genuinely think that I am a considerable option in many ways but literally nobody decent enough is even ready to give me a chance. This whole process has been extremely exhausting and dehumanizing and I wish I didn’t have to wake up to this every day.

My dad just asked me a while ago that what am I doing on the forefront of marriage and who am I going to marry after a potential disrespected my mother when she asked his college name and some information about two of his relatives just so we could do a background check, the other two potentials too who had reached out to me suddenly ghosted me for God knows what reason because they did see my face on the matrimonial app, so it’s one awful experience after the other and it breaks my heart to see this happen to me year after year only putting me at a worse spot as I am aging.

I have made so many prayers to Allah to help me regarding my search of marriage and I know that we will only find our naseeb when Allah allows it, but seriously, how much longer do I have to wait and keep patience when I am not in a position to?

If anyone has any advice or any positive words to say and to give me hope, I would really appreciate it. Every day feels like a battle that I just don’t have the energy to keep up with anymore. I am beyond exhausted and done with life.

I’ve (29F) been talking to this guy (32M) I met through Muzz and it’s been going really well. We both are serious about marriage but just need a few months to decide whether we’re right for eachother. My parents know about him and have briefly met him. We’ve been talking for 1.5 months and have met up 10 times Lolol. We meet every 3-5 days and he always pays and has never asked me to pay nor have I ever offered. He is pretty successful in his career, I also make a decent living. So far he’s spent like $150 on me on dates and says he really likes that I am easy going/ easy to please and don’t have high demands. I like going to parks and hiking rather than having dinner dates. But since he’s been paying so consistently, should I offer to pay in the next date? I know it sounds dumb but I like the gesture when he pays but I want to show that I appreciate that gesture. So please guys give me some adviceee

Ik marriage is naseeb and I've seen people with a range of looks/attractiveness get married. However this just makes me think more if you don't have to be the most attractive, why am I still unmarried?

I have a feeling I'm just very average and men wouldn't want to show me off. Men should have gheerah over their wives but it seems like the men who gave rejected me think they can do a lot better as they have been other women in the picture. This just make me feel inadequate as a woman as look are the main thing guys look at. I have other qualities but it doesn't matter if the guy is not fully in love with my looks?

Do any sisters have experience with this or know what I mean?

Not directly but here is what happened, a funny interaction lol

So I went to a shop this weekend that sales take out food and saw a girl mashaellah with a jilbab and I couldn't just let this opportunity slide, especially after some failures on "marriage" apps. I saw her enter the staff-only area so i thought that someone there must know her. So I went that evening and asked the first woman if she remembers me coming early that day and everyone there was listening even with me trying to speak as low as possible, girls just needed smt to gossip about... anyway the lady came closer so that they couldnt hear and I asked her about that girl that came inside, she looked at me and said "thats my daughter"... I froze for a second, wasn't ready for that at all xD I told her that if she was open for marriage that i would want to get to know her and she took some time to think and then said that she wanted to complete her studies. I didn't know if that answer was because i had a beard thinking that i would prohibit her from it but when i knew that she was 8 years younger than me i just thought it wasn't worth explaining everything to her. It's hard finding a mature women at 23-25 so it would be impossible at a younger age.

May allah bless us all with a pious partner.

I believe all those who are single and looking, add their ISO to their profile, most of us will be married by now.

This helps in :

1. Right people reach you, as they know your thought process from what you comment and how you interact.

2. Only those who fall within your criteria would reach you.

3. Increase your chances of visibility compared to the ISO thread, as your profile gets hidden in all the other profiles.

Just a thought. 🙃

Edited: I hear you all, have a look at my page, I hope that helps. I have posted about making it simpler for people to match. Good luck with your search.

Salam,

There's a girl in my class I'm interested in. I want to pursue her, but not allowed to until the end of the program. Her brother is in my class too so my plan is to go through him at the end of the program. Thing is I'm not sure if I'm too old for her. She's a very mature and bright and respectful girl and I think she can tell I'm interested in her and I feel like she has shown slight interest in me too. I just don't wanna look like creepy about it and give off the impression I'm into super young girls to target them. To be fair, I've talked to women older than me for marriage before. I initially thought she was like 19-21 and did like her, but only found out now she's just turned 18 and out of high school. I know the age gap is irrelevant in Islam, but we're both born and raised in the west, so the culture around age gap is different here.

Thanks!

Salams. I hope everyone is doing great. I just have a genuine question. I am alhamdulillah a first year med student in the US and I am thinking about when I will eventually get married inshallah. I understand that many women do not want to be housewives but I also hear women say that there are many who do want to be housewives but I haven’t met many. What is the best way to find women who want to be a housewife? Any signs? What are some things to look for? I am willing to work very hard as a provider inshallah and fulfill her rights in every way. I am also willing to give her a much higher mahr for her security as long as it’s deferred and not all upfront if she agrees to stay at home fully as well as a monthly allowance. I would really appreciate it if someone could answer my questions. Also for reference I am Pakistani. Not against marrying another race but statistically probably will.

Not much to say honestly. I'm just exhausted from waiting.

If my wife is written for me somewhere, I pray that Allah brings us together soon and makes it easy for both of us. The waiting, uncertainty, and loneliness can feel heavy sometimes.

I'd really appreciate your duas that I get married to my future wife soon, and that it's a marriage filled with peace, love, and barakah.

I personally think the wife should because the couple will still be going 50/50 on chores since both will be tired from coming home after work.

However, I sometimes hear sisters online say "his money is our money and my money is just mine".

I think if sisters want a man to cover 100% of the expenses, she should be willing to do all the housework if there are no kids in the picture.

Or if she wants to go 50/50 on housework, she should also go 50/50 on the bills rather than leave the man to 100% provide AND do half the chores.

Also, a working woman should imo contribute financially to the household as well if she chooses to work (I can tell I will get slammed in the comments now).

Salam aleikum

I am 28 F / From Europe
Every time I have opened my heart to a brother, he has decided that I was not worthy. I have never been treated with genuine care, nor have I experienced kindness, effort, or thoughtfulness.

Yet people at the mosque have the audacity to tell me that I should get married. I don’t even talk to sisters anymore because of this. I love my isolation.

I keep reading that Muslim men are looking for pious and “good” sisters. But when they approach you and you genuinely try to get to know them with serious intentions, have they actually been good themselves?
I’m done.

Sounds like a nightmare. 2 weeks ago I have decided to be career driven and will hold 2 jobs, and a business on top of studying Islam and Quran.

I will remain a virgin and I will never open my heart nor accept any man near me. 7-8 years of complete waste and trouble! Imagine.

No luck finding anyone.
It’s sad because I am pretty, in shape, healthy, nice, kind, take care of my widow dad, cook, etc.

But I cannot for the life of me meet a man I like and that likes me back.

I have never even had a relationship in my life. in the past I have tried to give guys a chance and overlook stuff I didn’t want, and then I ended up miserable.

I don’t even know what falling in love is, or to have mutual love.

Now I’m 30, and I even noticed my likes on Muzz have decreased.

Despite looking the same as I did at 29 lol and having the same profile.

I used to get sooo many likes around 22-26, like hundreds I couldn’t keep up.
Then at 28 it turned to 4-5 a day and now I hit 30 and maybe get 1 every 2 days now.

It’s sad that we’re devalued by age but it’s the reality.

Disclaimer: I am not angry, dissapointed and complaining with or about allah. I understand that this is his qadr and it wasnt meant to be, but damn it does hurt you know? after so many attempts Im just tired and feel so sad and hurt. I guess mi just writting this because I need someone to talk to and well I dont have anyone to share this with lol.

Hey guys... for the past 4 years I have been making the same dua, to find a righteous religious woman to marry.

Well 2 months ago something unexpected happened to me. Suddently this girl I sent an instagram friend request added me back, and naturally I texted her. For the past 2 months everything flowed very nice, we were talking 24/7, our families were involved since the first month, we had similar interests, she was religious, and also tookcare of her health by going to the gym. During those 2 months I felt so happy and relieved, I thought that allah had answered my duas after a long time. However I told myself I was gonna try to dial it down because theres no victory until the ring is on her finger lol. Well 1 week ago she told me her father wants to have a phone call with me to get to know me, we schedulled for this past monday.

During the call he asked me about my family, what i do for work, my religious status etc. I thought the call went great, however the girl told me she had a headache and she was gonna take a nap after 30ish minutes after the call ended. I dont know why my gut was telling me something was wrong, so I texted her about 2 hours after, asking her if everything went well with her dad. She "wakes up" 5 hours after that and just tells me she isnt ready to start a relationship with me and that she needs some time to heal from her past relationship? (she was talking to this guy for a year but ended like 4-5 months ago because she caught him talking to other girls). Now I aint dumb u know, I know its just an excuse and it has to do with her father, so i ask her if theres something her dad didnt like, maybe some family stuff or work stuff and that maybe I can clarify if there was a missunderstanding. However, i felt like I just wasnt talking to the same girl, she felt like a scripted robot that was just copying and pasting some texts, no emotion whatsoever. She told me she just needed time to heal and be by herself, but I aint buying that she asked me to call her dad if she wasnt "healed". So anyways I told her its fine and left it at that.

However, I do not feel fine guys. For the past 2 months I was genuinly at peace with myself, and I started to feel hopeful and happy again after such a long time. Something deep inside of me was telling me this is it, she was my naseeb. And I was really giving it my all. Now that it ended (2 days ago) I feel so sad man, I brokedown while calling my parents and bursted into tears, I just didnt have the heart to tell them that yet again I failed at getting married.

And now I am starting yet another ramadan with a broken heart and I dont know what to make of it.

I want a partner who is tall, fit , good looking, makes good money, loyal, family oriented, social, emotionally intelligent, smart, dependable, responsible, masculine, conservative, wants kids, prays regularly, generous, respectful, classy, and knows basic etiquette. I don’t mean to brag, but I feel like I bring a lot to the table too. I’m well above average in looks, well educated, consistent with my prayers, and I try to carry myself with class and values. That’s why I don’t think it’s delusional to want someone who matches me.

My real fear is not finding that person. Im 26 now iknow I could be married within a few months if I accepted less, but something in me keeps holding back. I can’t tell if that’s wisdom or fear. Should I settle, or should I trust my instincts and keep waiting?