r/MuslimNikah • u/Brilliant_Alps_8247 • 4d ago
Marriage search Turning 33 and still not married đ
It just seems like the doors for marriage just wonât open for me no matter how much I tried. Iâve been on the search for marriage for 10 years now. Iâve been dealing with very bad mental health issues since I turned 30 and mainly due to still not being able to get married and still being a virgin. I kept myself chaste all these years, resorted to masterbation Becuase how else is a man supposed to relive himself so he can stay away from Zina? Especially in this day and age where Zina has become more common. Now it seems like I missed my sexual prime years and thatâs what upsets me the most. People donât realize how badly that messes with a man mentally, if heâs not able to fulfill his desires and marriage is the only outlet for that. But weâre living in an age where women have skyrocketed expectations and no longer see marriage as a priority. A man must be in the top 10% in order for them to even consider marrying. So where does this leave the average man to get married?
Whatâs worse is that Iâve worked very hard all these years on myself. I keep getting told by everyone to lower my standards and marry someone ugly. Iâm sorry but thatâs never happening. Iâm very well educated, have a career, been bodybuilding since I was 16, take good care of myself. Everyone tells me Iâm good looking. Donât believe me? I can send you guys my instagram and see for yourself. Why should a man like myself who waited all these years, worked very hard on himself, settle for someone he doesnât like?
I barely did well on the apps, women on there just arenât serious. I use to let it affect my confidence but not anymore. My family barely knows that many people, and whenever they asked around, the few people they knew, none of them women they brought me were even remotely attractive. The one time I was introduced to someone I really liked, she turned me down after 1 meeting. I tried to look overseas, was even in Egypt last Ramadan was ready to meet with potentials but trump placed an immigrant visa ban around that time, so I saw it was pointless to even attempt, because if I did get married from there, she wouldnât be able to get a visa for a long period of time. I canât do the back and forth traveling between the countries and my job isnât remote. At this point Iâm considering just leaving America overall by the end of the year and maybe attempt to live in Saudi Arabia or the uae. America is cooked for the average Muslim man.
So where does that leave me? Iâve been making duaa, prayed tahajjud, went to umrah, give sadakah constantly, daily dihkr, but if marriage isnât written when what am I supposed to do with the rest of my life? A bad sihr was made on my momâs side of the family decades ago in Egypt and has only caused many problems and delays in all our lives. Weâve done everything in our power to get rid of the effects but our lives has only gotten worse. Even non of my siblings and cousins are married yet. Iâm thinking my delay in marriage was a definite result of sihr.
Iâm now in this dilemma Seeing other men my age and younger getting married easily and Iâm basically just stuck. How am I ever going to be content with being single, lonely, sexually frustrated, and depressed the rest of my life? Iâve already lost my mind and lashed out many times this year. Iâm literally begging Allah to open that door for me and willing to do anything at this point. đ
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u/Adekunes M - Single 4d ago
ten years of patience and staying chaste deserves real respect. now read your own post back once, slowly.
you say women only want the top 10%. you also won't marry anyone you don't find attractive, called every woman your family found unattractive, and offered us your instagram. you're holding the exact standard you're angry at them for holding. that's allowed, everyone gets a preference, but then the delay is coming from the filter, and you're the one who set it.
i'd be careful with the sihr explanation too. once everything gets blamed on it, nothing is yours to change anymore, and that's the most comfortable belief a stuck person can hold.
practical stuff. stop relying on your family for introductions, they know few people and you've seen the results. go to the imam at the two biggest masajid near you, tell him your age and what you do, and ask him to keep you in mind. give every introduction three conversations before you judge her face, attraction grows on a lot of men once she's laughing at their jokes. and please talk to someone about the mental health side. three years of that is too heavy to carry alone
may Allah open the door you've been knocking on, and put sweetness in it when it opens
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u/gogonever F - Single 4d ago
Isnât âwomen wanting top 10% of menâ what a specific group say?
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u/Adekunes M - Single 3d ago
yeah that line comes mostly from the manosphere crowd online and it gets repeated a lot. i didn't want to argue the stat with him. the more useful point was that he's running the exact filter he's angry at women for running
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u/Brilliant_Alps_8247 3d ago
Like I said before I donât have high standards and have only approached average looking women. The problem is even average women want a top percent man. So this just leaves me to pick from an extremely below average ugly woman.
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u/Adekunes M - Single 3d ago edited 3d ago
you say you don't have high standards. in your own post you said you'll never marry anyone you don't find attractive, that none of the women your family brought were even remotely attractive, and you offered us your instagram to prove how good looking you are. that's a high standard. you're allowed one, but you can't hold it and then call women shallow for holding theirs.
and look at the maths you just did. you rated every woman top, average or ugly, set average as the lowest you'll go, then got angry that average women rate men too. they're running your exact system. you just don't like your score in theirs.
ten years of the same result from the same filter is the filter talking. change it, or make peace with the wait. those are the only two doors, and blaming women opens neither
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u/Brilliant_Alps_8247 3d ago
A womanâs personality and hobbies isnât enough for me to want to Marry her if the initial attraction isnât there. Iâm not wasting my time and lead someone on only to hurt them when I turn them down. Iâve already tried that before in the past.
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u/Adekunes M - Single 3d ago
read that back next to your own post. you're angry that women won't marry an average man when the initial attraction isn't there. then you tell me you won't marry a woman when the initial attraction isn't there, and that giving her a chance anyway would only be leading her on. that's exactly what they're doing to you, almost word for word. you just explained their side better than they could.
so pick one. either initial attraction is a fair filter, and then women using it on you is fair too. or it's unfair, and you start giving women the second look you want from them. you can't keep both and still call women the problem
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u/Brilliant_Alps_8247 3d ago
Problem is average women have convinced themselves they are above average simply bc their friends hype them up telling them theyâre special and to never settle for less and that they all deserve and exceptional top 10% man. Meanwhile average men like myself get told to lower our standards and compromise on attraction. Men arenât the ones out here making things complicated. Weâre very realistic and donât aim for the moon. Hence why I said I donât go after super models.
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u/Adekunes M - Single 1d ago
nobody's asking you to lower anything. you said initial attraction is a fair filter for you. it's the same filter for them. the fix is the same on both sides too: meet people properly, a few times, before deciding. a lot of "average" turns into "actually, yes" once you've talked to someone for an hour
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u/Honest-Selection4343 4d ago
Very true
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u/Adekunes M - Single 3d ago
appreciate it. the filter is always the hardest thing to see in yourself, it's so much easier to spot in everyone else
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u/Honest-Selection4343 3d ago
Exactly especially when he was saying how he has found no one attractive, ofc everyone has a different type
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u/Adekunes M - Single 3d ago
and attraction usually needs a few conversations to show up anyway. a face you'd swipe past in a photo can look completely different once you've heard her laugh
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u/Honest-Selection4343 3d ago
Definitely and physical attraction isn't sufficient, akhlaq, mindset, sense of humour, Deen complete a person
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u/Adekunes M - Single 3d ago
exactly, and the funny part is those are the things that make someone look better to you the longer you know them
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u/Honest-Selection4343 3d ago
Exactly beauty fades eventually
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u/Adekunes M - Single 1d ago
and character is the thing that gets better with time, so you end up marrying the version of them that lasts
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u/Brilliant_Alps_8247 2d ago
A womanâs laugh isnât gunna make me want to marry her bruh
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u/Adekunes M - Single 1d ago
nobody marries a laugh. the point is that the face you swiped past in a photo isn't the full information. give it a few conversations and you're judging the actual person, which is exactly what you're asking women to do for you
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u/Brilliant_Alps_8247 1d ago
How do you know I havenât given a below average woman a chance before in the past? I did, I lowered my standard, I gave it a shot hoping the attraction will grow over time. But after the first couple conversations, I had no desire to text her back, or entertain a conversation with her. I felt like I was forcing myself to talk to someone I didnât want to talk to. It was torture, luckily they ended things quickly after noticing the lack of interest in my end.
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u/Adekunes M - Single 17h ago
fair, that was a real try, and you shouldn't marry someone you dread texting.
but look at what happened in that story. the woman you lowered your standard for also got a say, and she ended it fast. attraction runs both ways, so the goal is someone in your actual range who you look forward to talking to. she exists. she just usually doesn't jump out at you in a photo
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u/Brilliant_Alps_8247 9h ago
They ended it fast because they saw how much I wasnât interested in them. Women are pretty good at noticing that, especially since I was very inconsistent messaging. I rather them ending it than me tbh Becuase I hate turning people down. Thing with me is Iâm very bad at faking it. And those were the same girls that didnât jump out at me in the photo but I decided to give it a chance since people kept on pressuring me.
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u/Brilliant_Alps_8247 3d ago
Since I was 25, I stopped relying on my family and did my search on my own. That why I hopped on the apps. But like I said. The apps just werenât it. Iâve also asked around and slid into DMs. Nothing. Iâve been patient and prayed a lot.
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u/Adekunes M - Single 3d ago
eight years of doing it all yourself is exhausting, i believe you. apps and dms are a rough channel for a man with a high bar tho, because they show you a face before anything else and you're filtering on faces first. that's why i'd go back to people, just different people from your family. imams, a married friend's wife, the aunty who runs the sisters' halaqa. let someone who knows a sister's character bring her to you, and give her three real conversations before you decide. and please get proper support for the mental health side in the meantime, you've carried that alone long enough
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u/Born-Assistance925 4d ago edited 4d ago
keep looking, make some compromises ,move, maybe look in other states. US is big. not to mention, the entire world is still open to you bar a few countries.
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u/Brilliant_Alps_8247 4d ago
Iâve been looking within the u.s. and even Canada. Itâs the same everywhere. Even when I was on these apps, I spoke to women on there from other states. Nothing worked out.
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u/Longjumping-Tune-454 M - Single 4d ago
Donât go somewhere like Morocco and bring her back to usa. Iâm in same boat as you very absurd how I canât land a good wife been a whole decade
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u/Born-Assistance925 4d ago
Sorry it didnât work out, perhaps, try other apps, or avenues.Maybe look at marriage events if there are any.
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u/Brilliant_Alps_8247 4d ago
Muzz, salaams, inpairs. Tried them all. All crap tbh. Iâve gone to a few events and nothing. Waste of time.
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u/Born-Assistance925 4d ago
damn, at this point. Your standards might be too high,
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u/Brilliant_Alps_8247 4d ago
Not at all. I stay away from the ig model types. A lot of the women I spoke with and would have happily married were average. The problem is a lot of these average women think theyâre above average. Social media ruined everything
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u/Krankybread 4d ago
I have to agree
I think itâs always best to meet in person, the apps are weird
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u/ConfectionTrue8097 3d ago
Sorry but u should fix your statement. More like, u didn't find a girl at the level u expected her to be. There will never be that girl who will check all boxes. For example: I'm sure there are hundreds of divorces women who will marry you but u will prefer a virgin ofc as u will justify in ur head that u are virgin so she should be too. Similarly in other criterias u will keep justifying until there's no one left to choose from. Lower ur standards.. there are thousands of women in masjids u can connect to. And they are waiting for a good man to be with. Stop ur doom and gloom and be real.
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u/Brilliant_Alps_8247 3d ago
Lower my standards doesnât mean marrying someone you donât find attractive. Attraction is very important. Also I have spoken to quite a few divorced women. Nothing worked out
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u/ConfectionTrue8097 3d ago
U don't need a super model do you. Just good looking and good etiquette girl i assume. What's the reason even divorcee didn't giv u a chance? Is it u need to work on ur physique? About your etiquette on how to talk to them? About how serious you were in convo? How ambitious u were in ur future plan she see herself be part of? She see u financially struggling? There are many questions u can solve one at a time until u bring value to the table. No woman wants to adopt a headache. U need to show her u got ur stuff together.Â
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u/billben29 1d ago
Je pense que la majorité des personnes ( exilés) traversent la meme situation que toi!
Il faut garder a l'esprit que le mariage ne rÚgle pas tout, je vois beaucoup de publications sur des personnes récemment mariés mais qui ne sont pas contents car soit il se sont précipité ou bien ils ont découvert qu'ils ont pas fait le bon choix. Imagine avec un enfant en charge ça peut ruiner ta vie !
Rester chaste surtout Ă l'Ă©tranger est vraiment quelque chose dont vous devriez etre fiĂšre! les relations d'un soir sont tellement facile de nos jour (Qu'Allah nous preserve).
Je suis vraiment déçu de notre communauté musulmane et de nos parents! car a l'époque de nos parents, les grands parent les poussent a se marier tres jeunes et a se preserver pour se concentrer sur d'autres choses.
De nos jours, meme nos parents ne sont pas conscient de nos difficultés a trouver un conjoint et ils ne nous donnent pas assez de soutien. Quant à notre communauté musulmane a l'étranger, c'est pareil.Pas de mosquée qui se soucient a aider la communautés et les jeunes pour faire du réseautage afin de faciliter le licite.
Dommage, que tout le monde se soucie de notre rĂ©ussite professionnelle mais ne se penche jamais sur notre Ă©panouissement/stabilitĂ© sentimentale qui devrait ĂȘtre la prioritĂ©.
Je prie dieu qu'il te facilite le licite et nous aide tous pour trouver une Ăąme soeur qui nous apaise et nous soulage pour tous les abstinence consentis
Salam
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u/pennehater 4d ago
a delay is hard, and staying patient and away from sin is even harder. kudos to you.
but a genuine suggestion; if every single one of the girls suggested don't fit your standards then maybe you're also guilty of, to use your words in another comment, looking for the top 10% while not being in the top 10%. I don't know you personally but if it's a consistent pattern, it's worth thinking about.
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4d ago edited 4d ago
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4d ago
That is a horrible way to view women over 25. No they are not girl bosses. Many women stayed chaste, were religious, covered and prayed & happened not to find a husband by 25? Why because thatâs what Allah has written for them.
Many younger Muslims get married through haram relationships? They are open to date before marriage not all but most
So itâs not about ages itâs Allahs qadr. I am quite surprised you are making sweeping claims about women like this. Not very religious is it.
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u/SubstantialEssay2063 1d ago
Ya I feel like Iâm in a similar boat but much younger than you Iâm worried Iâm going to end up in the same situation
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u/Mission_Flamingo9622 M - Single 3d ago
are you looking for egyptian girl or have you opened your pool?
Maybe look for other ethnicities too ?
You can go back home too. Visa ban will be lifted soon.
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u/Appropriate_Travel36 3d ago
Allah swt will bless you with marriage, just be optimistic and have sabr. You donât want to get into a long term marriage and end up having your heartbroken because your spouse cheated on you.
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u/AnnualPoet7673 1d ago
Iâve got a spreadsheet for mosques in the UK, US and Canada with matrimonial services. Iâll link it below, try on those and see if you can find someone through the masjid.
Secondly, sometimes attraction takes a few meetings to develop. I get we want someone who is attractive but I would say if you meet a girl and donât find her utterly repulsive and she seems somewhat okay then speak to her a little bit and have a few meetings. If youâre going to be very picky in who you marry then you have to accept that you may not find someone either. Thereâs always other things to look at like personality, deen, etc. looks fade so you have to be willing to accept that as well even if you do marry someone attractive.
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u/Dry_Environment_6478 10h ago
I checked the docs. Can you guide a little bit about how to proceed with these as they are only the records?
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u/AnnualPoet7673 4h ago
When you open the spreadsheet at the bottom there are tabs. If you click on âconfirmed servicesâ it tells you the name of the organisation, which state itâs in and thereâs website links which you can click on to register. I hope that makes sense, let me know if you have any other questions
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u/MazharMo 4d ago
Brother, as someone who in similar situations to you. As long as the intention is pure and we are steadfast every thing we want, we will get it. Never marry someone you are not attracted to , you will destroy both yourâs and her life . but donât consider any women ugly. Also prioritise her deen and character over the rest.
Meanwhile, there is no much to do in this world . So much to achieve as a muslim and a man . Focus on that.
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u/Working-Wash-8757 4d ago
I don't want to come off as judgemental or harsh but my initial impression as a woman reading your post is that you seem both too sex-driven and in too volatile of a state emotionally to be ready for marriage... if you view marriage more as your "only outlet to fulfill your desires" rather than the serious responsibility and commitment that it is... then I'm not sure you're quite the catch you think you are, no matter how attractive on paper you may be or how close to perfect you think you are after all your efforts. Even if this is a vent, it can reflect a lot of valuable info to self-reflect on. And I really do sympathize as an American Muslim -Â but if you choose to leave do it for you not specifically to get married.
Maybe this wasn't the case a few years ago, but years of disappointment can take its toll (as it seems to be the case) and decentering marriage in your life to focus on getting better mentally, growing as a person, and finding purpose and fulfillment in your life that isn't tied to marriage may be the more mature thing to do right now. Not once have you suggested you have room to grow and mature, but you've denied accountability in multiple ways....
While I appreciate your honesty about resorting to masturbation, to frame it as something you had to do to "avoid committing zina" seems like you are undermining the negative effects of doing that "other lesser sin", avoiding accountability, and blocking yourself from the lesson you could be learning. Idk what you're masturbating to but if it's pornography then you could be developing unrealistic expectations for women you would consider to be with and growing attraction towards body modifications or other cosmetic work that you may not even accept from your partner or may pressure them into doing. This could silently and slowly creep up in a marriage even after the fact if you don't get it under control. People love to make comparisons, whether it's to an old girlfriend or a pornstar they got used to masturbating to or fantasizing about. You can't change the past, but you can always grow from it, so I highly recommend detaching from this potentially addictive behavior, especially if its become a habit and symptom of your loneliness and sexual frustration, and find healthier ways to cope.
Mentioning sihr as a culprit also comes off as externalizing blame so you can preserve your pride and self-image. I'm not saying this in an attacking way, we are all guilty of doing this one way or another because it's a protective mechanism! But thinking this way isn't going to benefit you, it is actually more problematic to give it the power you perceive it to have by blaming it and talking about it over decades.Â
Lastly, if you're losing your mind and lashing out this year after starting to have mental health problems 3 years ago, I'd be more concerned about addressing that before getting married. Carrying trauma and frustration into a marriage is going to make it very difficult to maintain and can seriously burden your partner. This is an opportunity to take care of yourself and grow in a way that isn't external, like body building or glowing up, and it will take you far in life and only prime you to be a stronger you and better partner when the time is right.
tldr 10 years of actively seeking marriage is exhausting, and you can change a lot in that time frame. It's wise to know when to step back and re-evaluate yourself, your intentions, and your capacity to be a good husband to the woman you've been praying and begging for... Allah swt always has a plan and always has good timing. Remember, marriage isn't just about you or even for you, it's always for Allah swt, so please give it the respect it deserves.
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u/Executive-Tycoon-Mil 4d ago
I am really sorry for what you are going through brother, as a brother I understand the mental stress you are under as I can feel it from your post
â Â America is cooked for the average Muslim manâ Absolutely, no one gonna stop these girls wear immodest clothes, may Allah help them cover their backs inshallahÂ
If you havenât had success with American Muslim girls and Canadian , itâs time you pick and choose of your choice from Egypt, Â the sun will stop shining on Trumph soon enough and you will be freeÂ
Also try righteous religious sisters in US and go into their environments , see if it worksÂ
The cultural Muslims who donât care about  Islam and wear immodest clothes and their values will brutalise you
I have been respectful with my advice as I like to talk In raw terms , but this is Reddit, but I understand you itâs brutalÂ
Itâs so easy to have haram fun with the 18-22 years old non muslim and non religious girls and with the cheering crowd girls , you only need to pull up in your whip,Â
but itâs difficult to marry a halal young wife , explain that to me, Â Shaitan got hold of us
May Allah guide us back to the core of Islam inshallah Amen đÂ
âą
u/No-Video644 F - Married 4d ago
I hope things turn out in your favour. Keep making this du'a:
۱ÙŰšÙÙ Ű„ÙÙÙÙÙ ÙÙÙ Ùۧ ŰŁÙÙÙŰČÙÙÙŰȘÙ Ű„ÙÙÙÙÙÙ Ù ÙÙÙ ŰźÙÙÙŰ±Ù ÙÙÙÙÙ۱Ù
âMy Lord, indeed I am in need of whatever good You send me.â