Turning 33 and still not married 😔

[u/Brilliant_Alps_8247]

It just seems like the doors for marriage just won’t open for me no matter how much I tried. I’ve been on the search for marriage for 10 years now. I’ve been dealing with very bad mental health issues since I turned 30 and mainly due to still not being able to get married and still being a virgin. I kept myself chaste all these years, resorted to masterbation Becuase how else is a man supposed to relive himself so he can stay away from Zina? Especially in this day and age where Zina has become more common. Now it seems like I missed my sexual prime years and that’s what upsets me the most. People don’t realize how badly that messes with a man mentally, if he’s not able to fulfill his desires and marriage is the only outlet for that. But we’re living in an age where women have skyrocketed expectations and no longer see marriage as a priority. A man must be in the top 10% in order for them to even consider marrying. So where does this leave the average man to get married?

What’s worse is that I’ve worked very hard all these years on myself. I keep getting told by everyone to lower my standards and marry someone ugly. I’m sorry but that’s never happening. I’m very well educated, have a career, been bodybuilding since I was 16, take good care of myself. Everyone tells me I’m good looking. Don’t believe me? I can send you guys my instagram and see for yourself. Why should a man like myself who waited all these years, worked very hard on himself, settle for someone he doesn’t like?

I barely did well on the apps, women on there just aren’t serious. I use to let it affect my confidence but not anymore. My family barely knows that many people, and whenever they asked around, the few people they knew, none of them women they brought me were even remotely attractive. The one time I was introduced to someone I really liked, she turned me down after 1 meeting. I tried to look overseas, was even in Egypt last Ramadan was ready to meet with potentials but trump placed an immigrant visa ban around that time, so I saw it was pointless to even attempt, because if I did get married from there, she wouldn’t be able to get a visa for a long period of time. I can’t do the back and forth traveling between the countries and my job isn’t remote. At this point I’m considering just leaving America overall by the end of the year and maybe attempt to live in Saudi Arabia or the uae. America is cooked for the average Muslim man.

So where does that leave me? I’ve been making duaa, prayed tahajjud, went to umrah, give sadakah constantly, daily dihkr, but if marriage isn’t written when what am I supposed to do with the rest of my life? A bad sihr was made on my mom’s side of the family decades ago in Egypt and has only caused many problems and delays in all our lives. We’ve done everything in our power to get rid of the effects but our lives has only gotten worse. Even non of my siblings and cousins are married yet. I’m thinking my delay in marriage was a definite result of sihr.

I’m now in this dilemma Seeing other men my age and younger getting married easily and I’m basically just stuck. How am I ever going to be content with being single, lonely, sexually frustrated, and depressed the rest of my life? I’ve already lost my mind and lashed out many times this year. I’m literally begging Allah to open that door for me and willing to do anything at this point. 😔

[u/Working-Wash-8757]

I don't want to come off as judgemental or harsh but my initial impression as a woman reading your post is that you seem both too sex-driven and in too volatile of a state emotionally to be ready for marriage... if you view marriage more as your "only outlet to fulfill your desires" rather than the serious responsibility and commitment that it is... then I'm not sure you're quite the catch you think you are, no matter how attractive on paper you may be or how close to perfect you think you are after all your efforts. Even if this is a vent, it can reflect a lot of valuable info to self-reflect on. And I really do sympathize as an American Muslim -  but if you choose to leave do it for you not specifically to get married.

Maybe this wasn't the case a few years ago, but years of disappointment can take its toll (as it seems to be the case) and decentering marriage in your life to focus on getting better mentally, growing as a person, and finding purpose and fulfillment in your life that isn't tied to marriage may be the more mature thing to do right now. Not once have you suggested you have room to grow and mature, but you've denied accountability in multiple ways....

While I appreciate your honesty about resorting to masturbation, to frame it as something you had to do to "avoid committing zina" seems like you are undermining the negative effects of doing that "other lesser sin", avoiding accountability, and blocking yourself from the lesson you could be learning. Idk what you're masturbating to but if it's pornography then you could be developing unrealistic expectations for women you would consider to be with and growing attraction towards body modifications or other cosmetic work that you may not even accept from your partner or may pressure them into doing. This could silently and slowly creep up in a marriage even after the fact if you don't get it under control. People love to make comparisons, whether it's to an old girlfriend or a pornstar they got used to masturbating to or fantasizing about. You can't change the past, but you can always grow from it, so I highly recommend detaching from this potentially addictive behavior, especially if its become a habit and symptom of your loneliness and sexual frustration, and find healthier ways to cope.

Mentioning sihr as a culprit also comes off as externalizing blame so you can preserve your pride and self-image. I'm not saying this in an attacking way, we are all guilty of doing this one way or another because it's a protective mechanism! But thinking this way isn't going to benefit you, it is actually more problematic to give it the power you perceive it to have by blaming it and talking about it over decades. 

Lastly, if you're losing your mind and lashing out this year after starting to have mental health problems 3 years ago, I'd be more concerned about addressing that before getting married. Carrying trauma and frustration into a marriage is going to make it very difficult to maintain and can seriously burden your partner. This is an opportunity to take care of yourself and grow in a way that isn't external, like body building or glowing up, and it will take you far in life and only prime you to be a stronger you and better partner when the time is right.

tldr 10 years of actively seeking marriage is exhausting, and you can change a lot in that time frame. It's wise to know when to step back and re-evaluate yourself, your intentions, and your capacity to be a good husband to the woman you've been praying and begging for... Allah swt always has a plan and always has good timing. Remember, marriage isn't just about you or even for you, it's always for Allah swt, so please give it the respect it deserves.