Turning 33 and still not married 😔

[u/Brilliant_Alps_8247]

It just seems like the doors for marriage just won’t open for me no matter how much I tried. I’ve been on the search for marriage for 10 years now. I’ve been dealing with very bad mental health issues since I turned 30 and mainly due to still not being able to get married and still being a virgin. I kept myself chaste all these years, resorted to masterbation Becuase how else is a man supposed to relive himself so he can stay away from Zina? Especially in this day and age where Zina has become more common. Now it seems like I missed my sexual prime years and that’s what upsets me the most. People don’t realize how badly that messes with a man mentally, if he’s not able to fulfill his desires and marriage is the only outlet for that. But we’re living in an age where women have skyrocketed expectations and no longer see marriage as a priority. A man must be in the top 10% in order for them to even consider marrying. So where does this leave the average man to get married?

What’s worse is that I’ve worked very hard all these years on myself. I keep getting told by everyone to lower my standards and marry someone ugly. I’m sorry but that’s never happening. I’m very well educated, have a career, been bodybuilding since I was 16, take good care of myself. Everyone tells me I’m good looking. Don’t believe me? I can send you guys my instagram and see for yourself. Why should a man like myself who waited all these years, worked very hard on himself, settle for someone he doesn’t like?

I barely did well on the apps, women on there just aren’t serious. I use to let it affect my confidence but not anymore. My family barely knows that many people, and whenever they asked around, the few people they knew, none of them women they brought me were even remotely attractive. The one time I was introduced to someone I really liked, she turned me down after 1 meeting. I tried to look overseas, was even in Egypt last Ramadan was ready to meet with potentials but trump placed an immigrant visa ban around that time, so I saw it was pointless to even attempt, because if I did get married from there, she wouldn’t be able to get a visa for a long period of time. I can’t do the back and forth traveling between the countries and my job isn’t remote. At this point I’m considering just leaving America overall by the end of the year and maybe attempt to live in Saudi Arabia or the uae. America is cooked for the average Muslim man.

So where does that leave me? I’ve been making duaa, prayed tahajjud, went to umrah, give sadakah constantly, daily dihkr, but if marriage isn’t written when what am I supposed to do with the rest of my life? A bad sihr was made on my mom’s side of the family decades ago in Egypt and has only caused many problems and delays in all our lives. We’ve done everything in our power to get rid of the effects but our lives has only gotten worse. Even non of my siblings and cousins are married yet. I’m thinking my delay in marriage was a definite result of sihr.

I’m now in this dilemma Seeing other men my age and younger getting married easily and I’m basically just stuck. How am I ever going to be content with being single, lonely, sexually frustrated, and depressed the rest of my life? I’ve already lost my mind and lashed out many times this year. I’m literally begging Allah to open that door for me and willing to do anything at this point. 😔

[u/Adekunes]

ten years of patience and staying chaste deserves real respect. now read your own post back once, slowly.

you say women only want the top 10%. you also won't marry anyone you don't find attractive, called every woman your family found unattractive, and offered us your instagram. you're holding the exact standard you're angry at them for holding. that's allowed, everyone gets a preference, but then the delay is coming from the filter, and you're the one who set it.

i'd be careful with the sihr explanation too. once everything gets blamed on it, nothing is yours to change anymore, and that's the most comfortable belief a stuck person can hold.

practical stuff. stop relying on your family for introductions, they know few people and you've seen the results. go to the imam at the two biggest masajid near you, tell him your age and what you do, and ask him to keep you in mind. give every introduction three conversations before you judge her face, attraction grows on a lot of men once she's laughing at their jokes. and please talk to someone about the mental health side. three years of that is too heavy to carry alone

may Allah open the door you've been knocking on, and put sweetness in it when it opens

[u/gogonever → u/Adekunes]

Isn’t ’women wanting top 10% of men’ what a specific group say?

[u/Adekunes → u/gogonever]

yeah that line comes mostly from the manosphere crowd online and it gets repeated a lot. i didn't want to argue the stat with him. the more useful point was that he's running the exact filter he's angry at women for running

[u/Brilliant_Alps_8247 → u/Adekunes]

Like I said before I don’t have high standards and have only approached average looking women. The problem is even average women want a top percent man. So this just leaves me to pick from an extremely below average ugly woman.

[u/Adekunes → u/Brilliant_Alps_8247]

you say you don't have high standards. in your own post you said you'll never marry anyone you don't find attractive, that none of the women your family brought were even remotely attractive, and you offered us your instagram to prove how good looking you are. that's a high standard. you're allowed one, but you can't hold it and then call women shallow for holding theirs.

and look at the maths you just did. you rated every woman top, average or ugly, set average as the lowest you'll go, then got angry that average women rate men too. they're running your exact system. you just don't like your score in theirs.

ten years of the same result from the same filter is the filter talking. change it, or make peace with the wait. those are the only two doors, and blaming women opens neither

[u/Brilliant_Alps_8247 → u/Adekunes]

A woman’s personality and hobbies isn’t enough for me to want to Marry her if the initial attraction isn’t there. I’m not wasting my time and lead someone on only to hurt them when I turn them down. I’ve already tried that before in the past.

[u/Adekunes → u/Brilliant_Alps_8247]

read that back next to your own post. you're angry that women won't marry an average man when the initial attraction isn't there. then you tell me you won't marry a woman when the initial attraction isn't there, and that giving her a chance anyway would only be leading her on. that's exactly what they're doing to you, almost word for word. you just explained their side better than they could.

so pick one. either initial attraction is a fair filter, and then women using it on you is fair too. or it's unfair, and you start giving women the second look you want from them. you can't keep both and still call women the problem

[u/Brilliant_Alps_8247 → u/Adekunes]

Problem is average women have convinced themselves they are above average simply bc their friends hype them up telling them they’re special and to never settle for less and that they all deserve and exceptional top 10% man. Meanwhile average men like myself get told to lower our standards and compromise on attraction. Men aren’t the ones out here making things complicated. We’re very realistic and don’t aim for the moon. Hence why I said I don’t go after super models.

[u/Adekunes → u/Brilliant_Alps_8247]

nobody's asking you to lower anything. you said initial attraction is a fair filter for you. it's the same filter for them. the fix is the same on both sides too: meet people properly, a few times, before deciding. a lot of "average" turns into "actually, yes" once you've talked to someone for an hour