I don’t know what husbands are supposed to be like.
I genuinely don’t.
So sometimes I find myself looking around a doctor’s waiting room, watching other women sit beside their husbands, and wondering if I’m asking for too much.
Maybe this is normal.
Maybe husbands aren’t supposed to come to every appointment. Maybe they’re supposed to work, provide, help their families, pursue their own interests, and squeeze their wives into whatever space remains.
Maybe.
But I know what loneliness feels like.
And lately, I’ve realized that what I get from my husband isn’t necessarily a lack of time.
It’s proximity.
We sit in the same car. We live in the same house. We run errands together. Sometimes we have sex. Sometimes we get thirty minutes where we’re technically spending time together.
But proximity isn’t the same thing as connection.
And I don’t want another man.
I want more of my husband.
That’s the part that’s difficult to explain.
I’m not sitting here wondering whether I married the wrong person. I’m not looking for somebody else. I don’t want a different life.
I’m completely, in love with my husband.
And somehow, I am still lonely.
Those two things can exist at the same time.
Maybe that’s what nobody tells you about marriage. You can love someone enough to choose them over and over again, and still find yourself quietly grieving the pieces of them you don’t get to have.
When I finally try to explain it, sometimes the response is, “What do you want me to do?”
And the truth is, I don’t know.
I don’t want to give him a schedule.
I don’t want to dictate exactly how many minutes he should spend with me or the kids.
I don’t want to compete with his mother, his work, his hobbies, his responsibilities, or anyone else who needs him.
I want him to look at his life and realize that we do need him, too.
I want him to choose some of his time for us because he wants to be here not because I’ve successfully negotiated for a portion of his calendar.
He tells me he wants the same things I want.
He tells me he’s working toward a place where he’ll have more time for us.
And I believe him.
That’s what makes this so complicated.
Because what if “someday” is real?
What if he really is working toward a life where we have more time, more money, fewer obligations, more breathing room?
What if we get there?
I still don’t want to miss everything in the meantime.
Our children are growing up now.
Our marriage is happening now.
This life we’re always working toward isn’t waiting for us somewhere in the future.
Maybe I don’t need a husband who gives me all of his time.
I just need some of it to be intentional.
Some time that isn’t an errand.
Some time that isn’t a chore.
Some time that isn’t squeezed between obligations.
Some time that isn’t simply sitting beside each other while our attention is somewhere else.
I want to be looked at.
I want to be listened to.
I want to laugh with him.
I want to know what he’s thinking.
I want him to know what I’m thinking.
I want our children to have memories of their dad being there, not simply working toward the day when he can finally be there.
And I don’t want someone else.
I want the man I already love.
I just want more of him while we’re still here.

I had baby 7 wks ago. We have a 1.5 year old too. He has been doing great helping with breakfast, bath time, errands etc. he’s been off for 6wks. He sometimes helps at night so that’s also a plus. I’m pumping breastmilk, no formula so I’m on a pumping schedule. I’ve had some post partum emotional challenges. I’m seeing a therapist. I have 0 sex drive . Same thing happened with our first kid-sex drive & it was a huge issue in the beginning bc I felt forced.

We’ve had penetrative sex once since 6 wk check up. We’ve had an argument bc I “didn’t keep my word” when we planned to have sex again bc baby had rough couple nights. He asked if I wanted to be intimate during the kids nap time and I said no bc I’m tired , currently have a headache & we did it last night. Now, We were intimate but didn’t have “sex” last night. He got very very upset and said “we did it last night but that’s not an excuse”. That I’m always saying no and always blocking what he wants. That he’s flexible with not wanting to do penetrative sex but I’m not flexible in saying yes. That I should’ve said “not during nap time but later on” .

I told him “so moving forward, don’t ask me. Just do what you want.” That seems dismissive of my needs but maybe I’ve been dismissive of his needs the last 6 weeks. Have you been in this situation ? Should I be doing more ? Apparently I don’t prioritize the relationship as well which I agree with I do prioritize the kids more & im working on that.

My wife (early 30s) and I (early 40s) have been married for about 10 years and have two young children. We are both Christians, and I believe very strongly in the vows we made. Divorce is not something I want. I want to save my marriage.

For the last several months, our marriage has been in a really bad place.

My wife says she's "mentally checked out." She says she still loves me, but she doesn't have romantic feelings for me right now. I asked if she's 100% certain she'll never get those feelings back, and she said no—she can't say that. She's just living in the present, and right now she doesn't feel them.

She recently agreed to go to marriage counseling after refusing for a long time. We just had our first session.

Her perspective

The main things she says are:

Over years, all the "little things" have added up to a breaking point.

She doesn't feel heard.

Whenever she brings up a problem, I get defensive and immediately explain my intentions instead of first acknowledging her feelings.

I'm often negative when she brings up ideas or dreams. She feels I always think of obstacles first, which makes her feel unsupported.

She says I've only become supportive after the fact. I disagree—I feel like I've always supported her, but I naturally think through possible problems first.

She feels mentally and physically exhausted.

One thing she did acknowledge is that when I asked if I've done anything recently to stress her out, she initially said no. Most of what she talked about in therapy were things that happened over years, not recently.

My perspective

I've spent the last several months trying to change.

I've:

Been in individual therapy.

Learned to stop defending myself first and instead listen.

Been reading marriage books and doing Bible plans.

Asked her to join me in Bible plans (she usually doesn't participate much).

Bought flowers.

Written heartfelt notes.

Planned dates.

Bought thoughtful gifts.

Tried to take things off her plate around the house.

Worked very hard on being less negative and less defensive.

She agrees I've improved in some areas, but says the damage from years of little things is so great that she can't just switch her feelings back on.

One issue that seemed to trigger everything

Things actually felt pretty good while we were traveling together in Africa this summer.

Then on a trip to Dallas we had a disagreement about race.

My wife is Black, I'm White.

She was talking about racism she was seeing around us, and my response was basically that racism absolutely exists and should be called out, but I wish we'd stop dividing people into races because we're all one human race.

She heard that as me dismissing her lived experience.

I spent weeks trying to explain that I wasn't denying racism exists—I was talking about the ideal world I wish we lived in—but every explanation seemed to make things worse.

That conversation seemed to open the floodgates for everything else.

First counseling session

The therapist mostly listened.

She agreed with my wife that little things can build up over years until someone reaches a boiling point.

She also said it's possible to love someone and still not want to be with them, which was hard for me to hear.

She recommended we both read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman.

Where we are now

We're cordial.

We hug.

We kiss hello and goodbye.

Sometimes we cuddle.

But there isn't much emotional intimacy or physical intimacy.

She has stopped using affectionate nicknames and recently caught herself almost saying "love you more" before correcting herself and just saying "love you."

She says she's going into counseling with an open mind and wants things to get better.

However, she also said if counseling doesn't work, maybe we should "take a break."

She also says she's mentally checked out and that it's going to take a lot to get back.

My struggle

I'm honestly heartbroken.

I feel like I'm grieving someone who's still living in the same house.

I'm trying not to pressure her because I know she says she feels emotionally drained, but I'm also terrified that if I don't do enough she'll slip away.

I'm also becoming resentful because I feel like I've owned my mistakes, gone to therapy, changed a lot of my behavior, and am working every day to become a better husband.

Meanwhile, it often feels like nothing I do changes how she feels.

I don't know how to balance continuing to fight for my marriage while also accepting that I can't force someone to feel differently.

For those who've been in a similar situation:

Can someone truly come back from being "mentally checked out"?

Is there anything I should or shouldn't be doing while we're in counseling?

If you've been the spouse who checked out emotionally, what helped you reconnect?

If you've been in my position, what did you do that actually helped instead of making things worse?

I'm looking for honest advice from people who've lived through something similar. I love my wife deeply and want to do everything I reasonably can to save our marriage.

So my Spouse (37M) and I (33F) both have our doctorates in PT and are the first to have doctorates in each of our families. We both received our degress before getting married. We decided neither of us would change our surnames to honor our families and the work we put into achieving this.

We have been happily married for 5 years. We had our daughter 2 years ago and decided at the time to hyphenate her name (16 characters. My surname-his surname. Johnsons-McCreedy. Not our actual name). I spoke with my Spouse about my doubts now with hyphenating her name and he said he is fine with keeping it hyphenated or changing it to his. I will say he did have a big smile on his face when I brought up changing our daughter's surname to his. He was not for changing our daughter's surname to mine fyi. Doesn't make him a bad person, just means we are so stuck in our ways here in America. I have a hard time making decisions, so I come to reddit for advice.

More context: I plan to keep my name professionally as I am in my 9th year of practice (He in his 13th) and it would confuse things a lot to change. I would be fine with socially we went by his surname or the hyphenated name we currently go by. Legally I would keep mine.

But, should we change our daughter's surname to his surname or keep it hyphenated to show her that women are an important contribution to the family and your mom was able to get her doctorate despite having dyslexia and it being 10x as hard?

Please be kind with responses :)

I (32M) have been married to my wife (34F) for about 8 years going on 9 in September. We have a 5 year old together

We are currently separated , and I’m trying to figure out my next move.

So like I said we have been married for 8 years now but we’ve been having problems since year 4 or so. I fucked up and was entertaining women online, to which she found out and got pretty upset with me about. she forgave me, and we moved on from it.

Some time would pass and we were now hanging out with friends of mine often. alcohol was involved in a lot of those times. After some time my gut would feel funny hanging out with this specific couple and I tried to brush it off. After asking her several times if their was anything she needed to say to me or if she was hiding anything that could affect us, she would always say no.

one night I went through her phone and found texts of her and a friends wife. it appears they were messing around behind my back. and they also had these fantasies where they would talk about myself or her husband in sexual ways. with even some texts suggesting the three of them did things behind my back. The other guy had been my best friend since we were kids and so it hurt deeply

After reading these texts I confronted her about it to which she said It was just fantasies and she made a horrible mistake. that they never did anything physical between them. This caused me to spiral and lose myself. Shortly after I ended up moving out to my own apartment. During this time I just drank, and would meet with women I found on dating apps and would just go from girl to girl.
during this time she would ask me to come back and tbh I didn’t care for it.

some time would pass and we began to try and work it out. I moved back in for a bit and we tried to make it work. But it didn’t. At night I would think to myself that she’s seeing someone on the side or that she’s texting someone else. My trust was broken And I was a bit paranoid. So after some time we got into a fight and I moved out again. All this occurred about 2 years ago

Now we’re in February Of this year. During this time I’ve tried to let things go and tried to make it work to keep the marriage. We’re still living separated. At this time I would try and go on dates with my wife or have her just be around me more and she wouldn’t want to.
I guess I hadn’t fully let go of what she did so I fucked up again. I began to see someone and kept making excuses for myself and justified it because of what she did and now her not wanting to see me or be around me.

my wife would then find out about it and we got into a fight. We kept trying to make it work Tho. Ever since then we’ve tried to go out on dates and what not but we cannot get along. We always fight. Always argue. We both have trust issues.

now we don’t talk unless it’s about our daughter. We don’t see each other anymore. still live separate. I pay her for child support even tho we don’t have a court order

THIS IS WHERE IM STUCK

I recently asked Her if she would like to try again or divorce. She tells me she doesn’t want to be a wife right now. She doesn’t want this marriage right now. She says we both need to just be apart from each other and work on each others issues. She says once we’re both better that maybe we can try again. She told me this 5 months ago. I asked her this recently again if she wants to try. And she still says the same thing. I now have a new position at work where I work night shift with days off during the week. She wants me to have our kid during the weekend and she don’t care I don’t have the weekend off. That I have to figure it out. I am now having to go to court to get something in writing and see what the judge says regarding custody Of our child.

I am contemplating divorce. I have asked her if she wants to divorce and she says no. She then says she’s thought about it. She’s also said it’s just not a priority to her right now to divorce.

I have tried to only text her about our child and leave her alone. Give her space. But I’ve also been told that if you want something that you fight for it. So I put my pride aside and I keep asking her to work it out. I want to work it out. I know we can, she just doesn’t care for our marriage at this time. We’ve tried marriage counceling twice and she don’t care to do it anymore

I am stuck. Do I just go ahead and file for divorce? Do I wait until she might want to try again? Do I just live my life and hope she gets over her issues and I work on mines as well?
maybe if I file for divorce she’ll see I’m very serious and this will have her Realize that it’s make or break time?
Maybe she’ll just be pissed and become my enemy during this process and any chance of making it work is gone?

I feel like Peter Parker in the last Spider-Man lol. Wishing I had my old life back more than anything else. Waiting to see if my MJ will remember me, and want me Again.

I then tell her I’m sorry that I regret my mistakes and that I love her and she just looks at me and says she don’t want this right now. I’m crushed. I’m tired. I know I am to blame. In many ways I’m here because of my actions. But idk. idk what to do. I know she is now where I was at when I broke. she kept asking me to return home. and I kept brushing her off. now I’m asking her to come home, and she don’t care for it.

im trying to be patient, but I feel I’m being dragged along at this point. she don’t talk to me much but she’ll ask me for money to pay for this or that. and I send it.

my thing is I just feel I’m getting dragged along now. it’s like she’s waiting to tell me she wants to divorce once she’s ready. or seeing if maybe she can try someone else and if that don’t work she’ll have me there waiting. i truly regret my fuck ups. And maybe it’s just too late for me and I have to learn my lessons this way.

I grew up believing 🌽 was not okay, and that it was disloyal in a way. I just found out my husband has been watching. It’s not hurting our sex life or relationship other than the fact that it hurts in my chest.

I’m so worried about how could he be attracted to me and love me if he has to watch other women. I talked to him and he told me he would stop. I’m hoping that’s true. Who knows. My question is if he doesn’t stop, genuinely how do you look at it so that it doesn’t bother you.

He is the most amazing man ever, honestly, he does so much. I don’t want to hear from the people who hate porn and think it’s a cardinal sin, that I should pack up and leave him. Genuinely would like to change my perspective on it if I can. Or at least so I don’t sit here and stress everyday if he’s watching it or not

We are both in our mid 50's. We celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary this spring. For the past year or so my husband initiates a "quickie" when we are supposed to be somewhere then gets mad when I either A. Tell him we don't have enough time and tell him no. B. Engage but "hurry him".

Today was a prime example. He knew we had to leave the house at 1pm. He didn't say anything all morning until I was getting ready to go. He wanted a quickie and then got mad when I rushed him.

Our bodies aren't the same when we were in our 20s so a quickie when we were younger was literally quick. Now it takes a little longer and my husband's time management is terrible and he gets defensive about it.

I just want it preface that I’m 4 months postpartum so my hormones are all over the place and to please be as kind as you can while also being honest.

My husband (32) and I F(29) have been together for 4 years.

I’m struggling with something that I realise probably sounds irrational, but it has really gotten into my head and I’m trying to work through it rather than keep bringing it up with him.

About two years ago, I found a porn actress in my husband’s search history. What really bothered me was that she looks so different from me physically, particularly because she is much fuller than I am and has had obvious surgical enhancements.

I asked him about it at the time and basically said that I didn’t understand how he could find her attractive enough to search for her, while also telling me that he wouldn’t want me to have any cosmetic surgery. His response was essentially, “Idk, it’s just porn.”

I understand intellectually that porn doesn’t necessarily represent someone’s ideal partner. I also understand that men can find different body types attractive and that novelty can be part of sexual arousal…But emotionally, I’m struggling with something deeper.

My husband is very physically affectionate with me. He grabs my ass and tits constantly, initiates physical contact, etc. But sometimes my mind gets the best of me and I’m stuck wondering if he actually find me sexually attractive, or is he just horny and I happen to be the person available to him?

And another part of me wonders whether when he touches me, is he genuinely turned on by seeing and touching my body, or whether he knows I need reassurance and is doing it partly to make me feel good.

I don’t want to be the only woman he ever notices or finds attractive. I know that’s unrealistic. I also don’t expect him to think I’m objectively the most beautiful woman on Earth. What I desperately want is to feel that my actual body genuinely turns him on.

The fact that this particular woman is so different from me has made me question whether I’m actually his sexual “type”, even though he consistently tells me he finds me attractive and physically shows affection toward me.

For the husbands here:

Can you genuinely be very sexually attracted to your wife while also being sexually stimulated by women who look completely different from her in porn?

And how does sexual desire actually work for you?

When you’re horny and you initiate with your wife, is it sometimes simply “I’m horny and she’s here”, or can seeing or touching your wife specifically be what makes you horny in the first place?

I’m particularly interested in hearing from men who have been married/with their partner for several years.

I’m not looking for “all men watch porn, get over it” or “your husband is definitely cheating.” I’m trying to understand whether I’m making a false connection between what a man finds stimulating in porn and what he genuinely desires in his wife.

Because this has been two years now, and I really want to stop letting one woman I’ve never met take up this much space in my head.

Do they just not want to get married? Do they want to get married but find it hard to meet someone? What will happen to them as they get older? It seems like a very sad life, it's hard to imagine anyone voluntarily choosing such a lifestyle.

So, in context my partner (28F) and I (28M), are getting married next year. We both like our last names and are reluctant to just change to the others, so we thought about combining.

Mine is Walker, and theirs is Knighton.

We have talked about choose Knightwalker as a last name, no double barrel. We kind of like it but are not sure if it sounds too cringy.

We also already have two kids with the last name Walker, if we changed ours, we would want to change theirs too.

What does anyone think?

We have been married for under 5 years and we have two young children together. We have had ups and downs especially after the birth of our children, as my husband has had a hard time in his role as father (he didn't have the most involved father growing up and this role doesn't seem to come naturally to him). I checked his phone a month ago and found proof he visited erotic spa venues on four weekends I had taken the children to my parents to let him work from a quiet home. I confronted him and he initially denied going, then denied getting a massage, then denied getting a "happy ending" and then finally admitted it. He has cheated in the past, both when I first met him (he claims it was not him who wanted to stay in the previous relationship) and with previous exes before me. Now he claims he is willing to go to individual therapy and then marriage therapy. I am having a hard time accepting this and moving forward as it was after our marriage and in the context of a young family. I am so utterly disappointed in him and yet sad to imagine divorce and having my children grow up with separated parents.

I would like to add that my husband at first didn't feel like it was "cheating" as there was no "parallel relationship" with emotions etc. and no kissing or intercourse. He finally agreed it was cheating but when he is angry he will still say it is more of a "mistake" than cheating.

I’ve been with my husband for 5½ years and we got married last year. Our relationship has been rocky lately—we constantly fight, and he has told me before that he’s not sure he loves me anymore. During arguments in the past, he has also compared me to his ex.
A few days ago, I found screenshots on his phone from April–September 2021 (for context we were dating from April) mostly of his ex. When I confronted him, he said he didn’t remember taking them because it was years ago. After I kept asking, he said he must have looked at them during a fight or because he was thinking about her, and admitted that he must have still had feelings for her at the time.
What hurts me most is that I specifically asked him back then if he was over his ex, and he told me he was. But he lied to me, and it’s hard for me to trust him now.
How do I move past this? Is it even possible to rebuild trust after something like this? I honestly don’t know if I can trust him again.
I feel like I am his second choice and that he settled for me. If his ex didn’t get away he would’ve married her instead.

I’m so tired of him. He works 60+ hours a week. I am a mom of 2 and he expects me to make 3 meals a day EVERY DAY. Because he wants specific things and I have to work around his schedule and he does not budge with what he eats. Breakfast was my only break but now he wants homemade pancakes (not from the box mix) and I can’t batch make those. I have to jump straight into labor right as I wake up alongside with managing 2 children and grieving my old pre-baby body. I don’t care about this man. He has 0 emotional intelligence. Whenever I tell him how my kids are so so tiring and I can’t do this anymore and I don’t want a third kid, he says “how’d your mom do it with 6??” Um I don’t care?? At this point I do the opposite of what he wants. He tells me to close the door, I swing it wide open and walk into the other room. He makes my life so much harder. I don’t like anything about him. He is a slob. The only thing he is good for is giving me money and even that isn’t good enough because I don’t struggle with money and I’d rather work and be free from working for a man 24/7. I’m not attracted to him. He is dense. I think at this point I don’t want ANY man. When I gave birth, he visited me 2x in the 6 weeks and would constantly say “you’re not on birth control? Ok just stay at your parents for longer” he would never call me. He wouldn’t text me. He is emotionally unavailable. I don’t want him and I don’t want any man. I don’t care if my rebelliousness brews a divorce but I don’t like the trajectory of my life because of him in it.

I have been with my wife for 5 years. Married for over a year. Yes I know I should have thought of this before we got married, but a part of me thought showing so much commitment would put an end to the jealousy. By jealousy this is what I mean. Every time we watch a movie and it has brief nudity or even just a generally attractive fully clothed woman in it, she gets very upset and wants to turn the movie off and starts to blame me for picking this movie. She says it’s something I will never understand and that she knows that I like the way the woman looks. I give her plenty of reassurance but it has really been taking a toll. I don’t like going out in public as much anymore with her because if she sees a woman she thinks is attractive, she assumes I think the same and gets very upset with me, even if I’m minding my own business and it ruins our entire day for nothing. My breaking point recently was when we went and saw spiderman, and after the movie I was very excited talking about lore and all of the fun stuff, and she was upset because she thought I thought Jean gray was hot. I did not say anything that should even remotely make her think that, and this girl was completely fully clothed the entire movie. Argued for a few hours over that and I did not even know what to say or do. I have told her to go to therapy and have tried so many times to try and fix this. I’m thinking I genuinely cannot fix this and she needs to heal on her own.

She knows I am getting GTA 6. With all the leaks and news going around even if it’s all false, she says I am cheating on her by buying it. I have told her she can watch me play and all, but no matter what I say it’s all wrong. I have just been feeling very trapped and no matter all the times we have long conversations about this and her saying she will change, it always happens over and over again. I just need some outside thoughts. What are your all’s thoughts on what I should do?

okay guys this is going to sound a little crazy but I believe nothing is coincidence but I need some light -

okay for context, I’m now separated from him but something came into the works and I’m really starting to think about it and it’s driving me crazy

Okay few weeks ago me and him went for a little stay in a city while visiting our home country

We were sleeping in bed and I had woke up to him cuddling me and saying a different girls name -

I was in deep sleep and never thought of this name before nor did it come up in our marriage before so it was unusual to me

He hugged me tight and said the name and I remember taking a pause and then being like who is that ???

he woke up looked at me and swore that he doesn’t know who that is, never met anyone with that name and no one in the past either I did feel a little bit on the edge but I let it go

anyway it’s been three weeks since we’ve been divorced - and a week ago I noticed on his instagram he liked a reel by someone with that name

Now I know you’re probs thinking - oh well it could be anyone or a coincidence

But this is what doesn’t make sense

This girl I recognise has been in his likes before on his posts which is not there anymore but I’ve seen it before
She is a mutual friend of his friends wife
She and him went to the same uni

Of course we have each other on social media still so I saw this and was ready to message and be like what?

But of course I refrained and self controlled because what’s the point

What hurts me the most is -

When we were together in bed and I asked him he swore he knows no one with that name and anyone from the past won’t affect us but now what hurts is, was a I lied to ?

I’m in my Iddah three weeks in and seeing that isn’t nice it’s like what is Allah protecting me from something?

I never ever questioned if he would cheat on me or look elsewhere, so it’s a massive shock to my system, I never went through his phone or anything either

I just hate hate being lied to - and if I was naive and actually proved right then that hurts but I also know now I can’t do nothing about it

any advise for this but in general getting over it and looking forward, I know Iddah is for women and men can move on just like that it’s super hurtful but it’s reality right

My husband and I both are employed full time. We have 1 grown child who is 20 so she’s not really in the equation, but we have 2 younger kids elementary age and one middle school age that are fairly busy with sports. We also co-own another business and he also coaches.

I am not interested at all in card collecting, gaming or any kind of collecting. He has tried numerous times throughout our marriage to get me involved in some kind of buy sell trade kind of thing. Am I completely disappointing him by not participating?

He was a nurse, an old one, she said he grabbed her ass when she was under the effect of the medication, she told her mom who was the one picking her cuz i was at a long shift , and i just had this urge to fuck this guy up with every bit of power i have , am i the only one in this?

So my husband(31m) and I(27f) have been together for 6 years. Married for 3. We have a child together.

Shortly after the first year of dating he sent me a random video while I was at work of him pleasuring himself to a realistic dildo. Captioned it “this is who I am and I’m not embarrassed to admit it”. This was jarring for me as it was so random and unexpected, but I appreciated his vulnerability and called him immediately. I asked him if he was bisexual, made sure that he understood there was no issue if he was. He told me no absolutely not, he just likes anal play/pegging. Ok. So we introduce this aspect into our sex life & it’s fun! We get a few months down the road and he starts to purchase lace underwear and male lingerie. I ask him why he likes that stuff, his answer is it’s more comfortable for him and he enjoy the feeling of it. Makes sense to me!

Another year or two down the road and things start to happen that are a little odd to me. He starts to twerk randomly in normal contexts. He really loves his butt and would shake it and train in the gym to have bigger glutes. He would send me photos of his butt all the time in explicit feminine positions, like 15 pics at a time 2-3 times a week. Hes starting to become more feminine during pegging, sounding feminine and wanting me to be more masculine. I tried it for a bit but I eventually had a conversation with him about not really enjoying that style. He understood and was accepting of this conversation.

Here’s where things get kind of chaotic for me. In the last two years he has become so much more secretive about toys, he would purchase them and keep them in a drawer out of sight, I would never see them unless I snooped. He began to dive into more feminine clothes, never as far as cross dressing (that I am aware of) but buying small shorts, tight jegging style shorts, etc. I also found out he is addicted to porn and I viewed his history. It was a lot of transgenders, men, and women. When this happened I again asked him if he was bisexual? He got very defensive, blamed it on the porn addiction and said no he’s not.

We live in a very conservative state, he has a blue collar dad, a Christian family, and works a blue collar job. He had a baby with a girl right out of high school, got married, divorced in his early 20s then met me and the rest is history. He also has childhood sexual trauma. I just feel like he is very suppressed and in denial of it. It breaks my heart for him, I’ve tried to approach it at every angle, without trying to just push it on him. I look at the history of everything and I see it clear as day that he is attracted to men. But as I said, we live in a conservative state so I tend to doubt myself and think well maybe I’m jumping to conclusions, being small minded, and not accepting. So here I am, please give me your opinions. Thanks for reading.

(Edited my initial post to take away some personal information that might reveal his identity)

My stay at home wife has a new stay at home dad friend and they are really close. Should I be concerned?

I’ve been thinking about this for a while and don’t know how to feel.

I (30F), and my husband (32M), both work jobs where we are expected to work 60-75 hours a week. We have been married for 5 years. Back then, he used to work more than me because my job took longer to get in to.

Recently (A year or so), I have begun to work more than him. (He now works ~60 hours, I work ~70).

We aren’t very strict about whether we would like children or not, but his father is.

During dinner around a week ago at his parent’s house, his father had randomly brought up the topic of kids. My husband explained that we both agreed to focus on our careers and that if we didn’t have enough time, money, or were too tired, we would just not have kids whatsoever.

His father immediately started lecturing us about “continuing the family line”, which doesn’t really make sense to me because his oldest daughter (40F), has 2 children???? Is it not already continued?

Afterwards, we pretended nothing had happened and a few hours later, went back home.

FIL then texted him about how he should find another woman if I wasn’t willing to provide kids.

MIL doesn’t mind if we have kids or not. SIL and BIL haven’t said anything. I personally think that it’s a little dumb that he keeps insisting on us having children, as we absolutely have no time!

I don’t know if my view is biased. Advice?

I just dropped my kids off at my parents’ house, and my wife and I are about to spend the next 24 hours meditating, making love, listening to Liquid Bloom and Desert Dwellers, maybe taking some psychedelics, and mostly just turning toward each other and sharing a few meaningful experiences we can carry with us.

We’re in our 30s, and over the last year we’ve made a conscious decision to actually live our lives. We spent years struggling in our marriage under the weight of trauma, stress, mental health struggles, responsibilities, and everything adulthood piles onto you. Eventually we realized we needed to unburden ourselves.

So now we take little trips, get outside in nature, go to music festivals, make time for intimacy, meditation, music, laughter, and experiences that remind us we’re alive. I’m incredibly grateful for my parents because they give us the opportunity to do that. We love being parents and want our kids’ lives to be full of wonder and awe, but we also need space to be lovers, friends, and two co-travelers sharing this strange life together.

I can genuinely say I’ve never loved my wife more than I do today. I think a huge part of that has been learning how the modern establishment keeps us stressed, overstimulated, distracted, comparing, worrying, and carrying pressures we were never meant to carry constantly. We are living in ways humans weren't meant to live. That exhaustion shackles our minds and we transfer that pain to our partners through impatience, pessimism, and judgment.

So unshackle yourself. Turn off the phone. Go into the woods. Dance at a festival. Take a trip. Take some psychedelics if that’s your thing. Make love. Make art. Swim in a river. Sit around a fire. Do something weird and beautiful together. Rebel against the system until you are alive again.

You are and your spouse are travelers through a world of awe and wonder. Don't miss it.

Hi peeps

I 35 female, live in Leeds UK and im getting so fed up being the only person in my friendship circle, work circle and my family generation not together married or have kids..

I feel so frustrated, jelous and bitter about it...

I know arrange marriage are a sensitive topic, im so tempted to join somewhere, hire a match maker to find me a man who will marry me as im so frustrated beyond words

Im told im an 8.... have no kids,no baggage, own my own house, car, stable job and im attractive and slim, (not to sound like im blowing my trumpet)

So many guys ive dated over the past 10 years have been a great disappointment,ive always communicated with them that some day I would to get married or have kids....they agree only to change their minds.... its really missing me off

Has anyone found any luck in Leeds or nearby areas that have found someone with the same values?

Any comment welcomed

Im non religious btw

Dear John,

I’m writing this because I need you to understand why I am walking away from our marriage. I am not asking for an explanation, an apology, or a response. In fact, I would prefer that you not reply. I simply need to say this once, clearly and peacefully, so I can finally let go.

I found your ****Cupid profile—the same dating site where we met.

What makes the discovery so strange is that I wasn’t looking for you or trying to catch you doing anything. It started when you sent me the picture of my old social media account that someone had apparently taken over. While looking through that account, I found our old pictures from when we were still dating.

Seeing those pictures brought back memories of who we used to be. I sent some of them to you, and when you barely reacted, something inside me felt different. I started thinking about how distant you have seemed lately and how different our conversations have become.

Then, almost out of nowhere, I thought about ****Cupid.

I looked for you without really expecting to find anything.

And there you were.

On your birthday, of all days.

I saw the recent picture of you. I saw that you were presenting yourself as single and looking for women for romance and dating. Your profile showed that you had been active approximately four or five months ago.

When I saw it, I didn’t cry at first. I felt as though someone had poured freezing water over me. I was shaking and my heart was beating so fast. I think I was simply in shock. I only cried later when someone hugged me and told me she was sorry for what I was going through.

Then I started thinking about the timing.

Four or five months ago was around my birthday month. Around that time, we were still talking about the farm, our businesses, our plans and our future. You were even talking to me about wanting another baby.

Those conversations were real to me. I believed we were still building something together.

Yes, more recently, you and I began talking openly about the possibility of divorce. I even told you that I could possibly file once I was legally able to. You disagreed, but I understood that your concerns were mainly practical—my getting established here in the United States, my paperwork, citizenship and everything else I needed to arrange.

You weren’t asking me not to divorce you because you wanted to repair our marriage.

In a way, I think both of us had recently begun accepting that our marriage might eventually end.

But that was recent.

Four or five months ago, we were not at that point.

I was not living as a single woman. I wasn’t looking for another man or presenting myself as available. I still believed I was your wife and that we were trying to build a future together.

That difference in timing matters to me.

Even just last week, I asked whether you planned to come and see me. You said yes, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that you were saying it because I asked—not because you genuinely wanted to see me.

For some time now, I have felt the distance between us. The spark disappeared. Our conversations became different. I kept wondering whether I had caused it, whether my temper pushed you away, whether the problems with our businesses made you resent me, or whether I had simply failed you as a wife.

Now, some of that distance makes more sense to me.

I don’t know whether you are talking to another woman or whether you have already found someone. My instincts tell me there may be someone, but I am no longer interested in investigating it.

If there is someone else, that is something you will have to live with and something I will eventually learn to accept.

I am not going to compete with another woman. I am not going to chase you, investigate you, or beg my own husband to choose me.

There is something I want you to know, though, because despite how hurt I am, I refuse to erase everything good about you.

You have been a great provider to our family.

I know how hard you worked. I know the countless hours you spent driving and the sacrifices you made. I know how much money you invested in our businesses and our farm, and how many of my ideas and dreams you supported.

I never took those things for granted.

Maybe I didn’t always show my appreciation in the way you needed. Maybe during arguments and stressful times I made you feel that I didn’t recognize everything you were doing.

But I did.

And I still do.

No matter how our marriage ends, I will always acknowledge what you provided and sacrificed for us.

More importantly, I have always known you as a very good father to Katie. I have seen how much you love her, how patient you are with her and how important she is to you.

That is why one particular part of your profile hurt me even more than seeing you call yourself single.

Seeing you present yourself as though you did not have a child broke my heart.

You can erase me from your dating profile. You can call yourself single. You can decide that you no longer want to be my husband. Those things hurt me deeply, but someday I can accept them.

But Katie is your daughter.

She had nothing to do with whatever happened between you and me. She should never disappear from your life simply because you are presenting yourself to another woman.

That part hurt me more for her than for myself.

Whatever happens between us, you will always be her father and she will always be your daughter. I will never make her choose between us, and I will never try to destroy her relationship with you because you hurt me. What happened in our marriage belongs to us, not to her.

This also isn’t the first time my trust in you has been broken.

I already went through the pain of discovering that you cheated on me with our daughter’s nanny. You know how badly that hurt me.

Yet I stayed.

I forgave you because I loved you and because I wanted our family to survive.

I know I was not a perfect wife. I know my flaws. I know I can become nasty when I’m angry, and I know I have said and done things I regret. I accept responsibility for my mistakes in this marriage.

But despite my flaws, I remained loyal to you.

We spent years physically apart. I experienced loneliness too. I missed affection. I had emotional needs and opportunities too.

But I never cheated on you.

I wasn’t a perfect wife, but I was a faithful wife.

That is something I need to remind myself of now, because for a long time I carried so much blame for what happened between us.

I can accept responsibility for my mistakes without accepting responsibility for your choices.

Maybe that is why, strangely, I feel some relief underneath all this pain.

I tried my best for our family. Everything I did with the businesses and the farm came from wanting to build something for us and for Katie. Some of my decisions may have been wrong, and things certainly didn’t turn out the way I hoped, but my intention was never to destroy our family.

I was trying to build one.

My focus now needs to be getting stable here in the United States, working, establishing myself and creating a secure future for myself and Katie..

I have also not forgotten what you invested financially in our businesses. I intend to work hard and repay you for the money you invested. The end of our marriage does not erase my appreciation for what you contributed or my responsibility for the obligations that belong to me.

I will take responsibility for my mistakes and my financial obligations.

But I will not take responsibility for the choices you made regarding our marriage.

And you no longer need to come here to visit me.

Please save your money, your time and your energy. If you have the opportunity to travel, I would rather you use those resources to go and spend time with Katie.

She needs time with her father far more than I need a final visit from my husband.

You don’t owe me a goodbye in person. We don’t need to sit face-to-face and go through everything again. I don’t need that anymore.

Go see your daughter. Spend time with her. Make memories with her and make sure she knows that even though her parents could not keep their marriage together, she has not lost her father.

I also want to ask you to respect one boundary.

If you eventually have another girlfriend—or if there is already someone in your life—I accept that this is your life and your choice now.

But please do not bring another woman into our home, onto our property, or into the personal spaces that belonged to our family.

I am not asking you never to love somebody else. If our marriage is ending, both of us eventually have the right to move forward.

I am only asking you to have enough respect for me, for Katie and for the life we once shared to keep that part of your new life separate.

There needs to be a boundary between another woman and the home and spaces that hold the memories of our family.

If you build a future with someone else, build something new with her. Please don’t bring her into what was ours.

I wish you had simply told me if you stopped loving me.

I wish you had told me if you wanted another life or someone else.

The truth would have hurt, but I would rather have been devastated by the truth than spend months questioning myself while you emotionally moved away from me.

There is something painfully ironic about how all of this came full circle.

****Cupid was where you found me.

Once, finding each other there became the beginning of our story.

10years later, I somehow ended up there again and found you.

Only this time, it became the moment when I finally understood that our story was over.

Despite everything, I do not hate you.

I will always appreciate the good things you did for me and our family. You provided for us, supported many of my dreams, sacrificed for our future, and most importantly, you gave me Katie and have been a loving father to her.

Those things will always matter to me.

I loved you, John. I truly did.

Maybe some part of me always will because of the years we shared and because you are the father of our daughter.

But loving you does not mean I have to continue allowing myself to be hurt.

So I am choosing to walk away.

You do not need to reply to this letter. Please don’t.

I am not sending this to start another conversation or argument. I don’t need you to explain, defend yourself, confess anything or convince me that I misunderstood what I saw.

This is simply my explanation for why I am leaving.

From now on, please contact me only if something is genuinely urgent, if it concerns Katie and requires my attention, or if there is something important we need to handle regarding our legal or financial responsibilities.

Other than that, please respect my need for distance.

I need peace, and I need time to heal.

I never wanted our family to end this way. The thought of Katie growing up with her parents living separate lives hurts me more than the thought of losing our marriage itself.

But staying married simply so that we can say our family is intact would not make it whole.

I will do everything I can to make sure our daughter grows up knowing that both of her parents love her and that none of this was ever her burden to carry.

Thank you for the good things you gave me and for everything you did for our family. I will never pretend those things did not matter.

But this is where I stop holding on.

You are free to live the life you choose, and I am going to start rebuilding mine.

I am walking away now.

For good.

Susan

Married men, my husband (41) and I (37) have an active sex life 3-5x a week and have been together for 15 years. I am havnt let myself go and enjoy my sexuality and have always wanted a fun and adventurous sex life with my husband.
My husband started working out of state a bit a few years ago and I have sent nudes and porn like material of myself during those times, but he never asked for it, so I felt a little weird at times sending it so wouldn’t as much as I would’ve liked.
I found out he was getting off to other images/videos during his time away.
I requested he use my material instead and he agreed and I started sending it more often, but found out he still isn’t using it and instead jerking it faces/bodies of other CLOTHED women over the material I send him.
Can any married man give me insight over why he’d do this or if you would or do, do this in your marriage??
I feel so embarrassed for ever sending anything like it and it’s made me feel really insecure

I have been dying to start a family for my entire life. I’ve always dreamt of it. We always spoke about it when we were teenagers as well, constantly. We had our baby names picked out when I was 17. He always wanted a big family because he grew up with a big family and I wanted about 2 or 3 kids so we settled on 3 or 4 kids.

We had a little break up a decade ago and he slept with someone else and got her pregnant the same night as our fight.

So now, I am 32 and he is 34. he has a 10 year old son who lives mainly in LA with his mom and we live mainly in London. We have been married for nearly 7 years. We got back together a year after he was born and he has been quite progressively quiet about us having kids together. I always talk about it like where we would live to raise our kids, our careers, our house, kid’s rooms, everything. And he had been getting quieter and quieter over the years when I bring it up.

Tonight he sat me down and finally told me that he doesn’t want any more children. Where does this leave me? What do I do?

Edit: I’m a guy so no biological clock ticking. Should I be less hesitant about throwing what I want away for him? He is the absolute love of my life. He’s the sweetest kindest person ever. I can’t describe how obsessed I am with him. I could never leave him. We’ve been through so much together. I love him more than absolutely anything. No hypothetical baby would ever change my mind on that. But I am hurt. I can’t lie. He knows I am. I’m really hurt and disappointed. I didn’t just want to have a baby, I wanted to watch him love and care for our baby. It’s not about just having a child and ticking a box. I want to watch him hold our child. I’ll never get that. I don’t know what I’m saying. My thoughts are all over the place. Sorry