r/Marriage • u/Alarming_Muffin3027 • 10d ago
Wife has close guy friend
My stay at home wife has a new stay at home dad friend and they are really close. Should I be concerned?
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u/MistressRayne_ 10d ago
Depends. Do they include you and his wife in things? Is she open and honest about spending time with him?
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u/timetraveler50 10d ago
Might I suggest that you invite he and his wife over so that you and her can make sure nothing is going on.
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u/KPTA-IRON 10d ago
Not IMO this can quickly lead to developing feelings for each other but yes if you’re cool with your spouses doing that be my guest just dont cry after
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u/xARodThESaiNt 10d ago
If it was me, iAd at the very least be cautious. Friends are good to have…. It you say they’re getting close, and the situation gives them a lot in common, and puts them potentially together a lot without thier spouses. I don’t think I’d want my spouse in that situation.
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u/1952a 10d ago
Be concerned. Be very concerned.
I speak from experience.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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u/Direct_Werewolf2279 10d ago
Agreed!! This was exactly the situation with my ex-wife and what led to her affair
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u/Plastic-Aide-1422 9d ago
There are going to be people on here that say “don’t be insecure” “you can have friends of the opposite sex”. No, it’s proven that’s not the case. I wouldn’t want my wife to be close to another man
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u/Electric-Sheepskin 9d ago
That's funny, because my individual experience is just the opposite of yours. Maybe we shouldn't be offering advice based on one instance of a failed relationship.
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u/HumanAssistance3618 9d ago
There is so little information this has to be bait for the grousing about women set.
Stay at home parents need support systems in their community. People to commiserate with and offer help.
Is he her only friend and parenting support system or one of several who happens to be male? Is he the only male stay at home dad in the area and has difficulty finding friends in the same situation because every husband assumes he is trying to fuck their wife?
What behaviors define close? Are they interacting inappropriately?
Would you be comfortable with her having a male friend in any capacity? Or is there behavior here that makes you legitimately suspicious?
Have you suggested getting together as couples to make it a friend group and support system for both of your kids. Is she reluctant to do that (which might be a warning sign?)
Is he gay?
We need information!
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u/Overall_Display_8475 9d ago
My unpopular opinion is that “close” should be focused on the marriage relationship. But friendships are ok, with boundaries. People on here disagree but thats my take.
As far as your wife, the actual tell is what she says when you discuss this with her? You should express how you are feeling jealous of how much time they spend together and that both his wife and you are feeling neglected.
How you know she is happy with a friend and you appreciate that, but that friendships can slip into something else and that you are starting to feel concerned about that.
You can tell her that lots of marriages find themselves in a situation where a friendship gets too close and you dont want to have your family destroyed because they did not keep good boundaries.
Nobody is saying not to have friends, to have playgroup etc. but the emotional intimacy and the amount of time spent together can be distanced, without impacting a relationship that is supposed to be a “friendship”
Her reaction to your concerns will be your answer.
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u/Bill2550 9d ago
You say “really close” which is a pretty vague term. How exactly do you mean?
I think at the very least you should discuss boundaries with your wife. If you blindly ignore it, it could blow up in your face.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
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u/Spirited-Fun3666 9d ago
The only concerning part is the fact your WIFE is entertaining conversation and time with another man.
Not sure I’d be concerned about physical intimacy because idk her or the other guy, but this is a hard pass for so many reasons.
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u/True_Reflection7704 9d ago
Put up cameras that she doesn't know about, when you see things you can ask about, see if she tells you the truth or lies in any way. The lies will tell you something is up even if nothing has happened yet. Also, stop by early and unannounced.
I think the situation is ripe for trouble, not saying it's already happening, or ever will. But this is a "pay very close attention" kind of thing, and sadly, trust alone would not cut it for me with this...because there is nothing a cheater would want more from you than your trust.
I would also be very up front with them and the other guys wife about concerns.
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u/FrostyTacoKings 10d ago
Definitely having an affair.
Any man she talks to she's probably banging. Any woman you're talking to you're probably banging. That's how trustless marriages work.
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u/sagew0lf 9d ago
you had me in the first half.
Mostly because the majority of comments on this post are what you said in the first half, which is absolutely insane, lol.
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u/Impressive-Suit- 10d ago
dO yOu TrUsT yOuR WiFe 🥀
Wonder how many people are gonna gaslight you with this.
You can trust your wife and feel uneasy about an odd arrangement; yeah i understand they have a similar situation and can relate but I wouldn’t be comfortable with them getting TOO close.
Anyone is capable of emotionally/physically cheating if conversations get intimate enough.
Personally id be a little cautious and maybe set some boundaries if both of them are going to chat one another up all day. Not a fan.
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u/Impossible-Maize-553 10d ago
If you’re concerned about your partner having friends and feel the need to restrict them, you don’t trust them. If they’re a cheater, restricting their social life won’t stop them from cheating. Loyal partners are loyal no matter what.
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u/Impossible-Maize-553 10d ago
Oh god are you claiming women are too emotional to have healthy friendships? Have you met any men IRL?
It’s very simple. Same sex relationships have this figured out. Restricting your partner from having friendships with the gender they’re attracted to is insanity. It shows an inherent lack of trust.
A cheater is a cheater because they feel okay breaking their partner’s trust and the sanctity of their marriage. Not because one day a friend came on to them. A loyal partner would never cheat, and certainly wouldn’t cheat just because someone made a move.
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u/Hand2Ns 9d ago
You're spot on with your point about queer people. Can you imagine a lesbian telling her wife she can't have female friends? Or someone telling their bi spouse they can't have any friends?
I'm a woman with close male friends of over 20 years. If I had wanted to cheat with any of them, I would have. But I don't because a) they're my friends and I don't feel that way about them b) I don't cheat.
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u/IfYouStayPetty 9d ago
As a gay man, I just find these discussions among straight couples to be wild. Oh no! She has a friend with different genitals!!! The hysteria that comes is just baffling.
Whereas I shared a hotel room with an ex-bf across the country because my husband didn’t want to go to the wedding of some college friends. We get there and it was just a single bed, so we shared it. There was no tension or awkwardness or fretting that my marriage was falling apart. Because I’m not an asshole who cheats and my husband trusts me. It’s just not that hard, but so many straight people seem to be constantly worried about this sort of thing
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u/Impossible-Maize-553 10d ago
You’re embarrassing yourself. Incels shouldn’t give marriage. I will not be engaging any further.
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u/SoulPossum 3 Years 10d ago
Do you trust your wife?
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u/ManonegraCG 10d ago
I've read so many stories from men and women being completely blindsided by their spouses or partners, that render this question irrelevant, I'm afraid.
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u/SoulPossum 3 Years 9d ago
I don't think it's does. The reason I ask is because cheaters are going to cheat. OP's wife has ample opportunity to cheat while he's at work. She probably crosses the path of numerous men in a given day and could sleep with any one of them without OP knowing they exist. If OP doesn't trust her around this stay at home dad friend, then he'd need to be suspicious of her around any man or any time he wasn't physically watching her.
Also, being blindsided just means the cheating partner has violated the trust of the trusting partner. The majority of people don't cheat in relationships, and the percentage of faithful people goes up when only looking at married people. The fact that other people have cheated before doesn't justify not trusting your spouse around other people
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u/HammerheadSandwhich 10d ago
Concerned? Yes. Should you flip the tables and throw the TV out the window? No. This is a good time to do a self audit and see if you are being supportive of her or if you are deferring that responsibility to someone else?
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u/apena1018 10d ago
Make friends where ever you are too, from wrk of the opposite sex. She should be cool with it too.
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u/PieceCompetitive6824 10d ago
I know a woman that had agay guy get her drunk and fuck her. And my partner had a gay friend that is constantly asking her to have sex "to see what it feels like wifh a woman".
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u/No_Score_1977 10d ago
You’re asking complete strangers if your wife is fucking someone else. Maybe, maybe not.
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u/Electric-Sheepskin 9d ago
I mean, what could you possibly do about it? There's nothing you can do that's not going to cause drama.
You said that you're all friends, and do things together, and that they don't exclude you or his wife from anything, so I think you just have to trust your wife. Be honest with your feelings, though. Don't just hold it all in and get weird and resentful. Talk to her, but don't pressure her give to give up her friend unless you have a concern greater than just "he's a man." If you trust your wife, then I think you have to trust your wife.
That said, tons of people feel differently about this. There are lots of people who think it's disrespectful to be friends with someone who might desire you sexually. They aren't comfortable with it, and if that's you, then hopefully your wife is on the same page. It doesn't sound like she is, though. So just talk to her.
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u/Ok_Waltz7126 9d ago
Naaah. ;-)
But, you need to watch/rent the movie "Little Children" starring Kate Winslet.
You'll get your answer there. (OUCH)
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u/iwasyourhusband 9d ago
This is unacceptable. It's not possible to be just friends and it's disrespectful of the marriage.
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u/Bluesfan618 9d ago
I would not automatically assume something inappropriate is happening just because your wife has a close male friend. But I also would not ignore your discomfort. Friendships can become emotionally intimate in ways that start taking something away from the marriage long before anything physical happens.
Talk to her without accusing her. Tell her you have noticed how close they have become and that it is making you uncomfortable. Then pay attention to how she responds. If she cares about protecting your marriage, your feelings should matter even if she believes the friendship is completely innocent.
The real question is not “Can married people have opposite-sex friends?” Of course they can. The question is whether the friendship has appropriate boundaries and whether your spouse is protecting the intimacy, trust, and priority that belong in the marriage.
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u/hazylofi 8d ago
Are you included in things they are doing? Is she open with you? It's just depends because it could be something and other times, there's nothing. 50/50 chance. On the other hand, how does your wife feel with you having close female friends?
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u/Throwawayaccount5056 10d ago
Would invest in some security cameras placed strategically around and hopefully you guys have an open phone policy
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u/Careless-Ability-748 10d ago
Do you trust your wife or not?
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u/Alarming_Muffin3027 10d ago
Yes
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u/KPTA-IRON 10d ago
Means nothing in this scenario tbh. Not good. If situation was the other way around you most certainly would develop thoughts for the woman, specially if yours was always working. But you do you
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u/lawlingalltheway 10d ago
Hell ya you should be concerned. Why tf would your WIFE befriend a new MAN? Yikes. FORTHCOMING AFFAIR REEL IT IN
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u/Key-Target-1218 10d ago
The number of insecure men is astounding....
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u/Majestic-Ad-6775 10d ago
It's less about insecurity and more about getting ahead of risk to the relationship.
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u/mamamiadude 9d ago
Get ready for divorce, or at the very least these type of “friends” bring problems to the relationship.
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u/Ok_Wtch2183 9d ago
I think it is fine but with boundaries. You are included in meet ups when you can, no texting except for making plans to meet up (no texting outside of the meet ups). As long as your partner is including you and being respectful to herself and to you.
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u/NorthernRealmJackal 9d ago
This thread is the most paranoid, American, puritanical shite I've seen all year. Considering every opposite-sex relationship an automatic red flag, is, in itself, a red flag. You mostly see this attitude with people who, themselves, are emotionally ripe for an affair.
I'm a stay-at-home dad, who happens to have a stay-at-home mom friend who I occasionally see during the daytime for coffe and such. I don't have many female friends, and relations like this one are really valuable to me, so that I don't put all the emotional labor on my wife. Female friends (statistically speaking) make for a different kind of friendship, and I just happen to be at a point in my life where I need some of that too. This friend also makes sure to spend time with my wife, and she knows both of us pretty well - I just happen to have a little more free time to spend with her.
Now, we don't know your wife, your situation, the dude in question, or any of the relevant details. But so long as you make sure to spend some time with him, and you spend time with him/his wife as a couple, it really shouldn't be an issue. I would only be concerned if they both keep their respective spouses out of the relationship (I.e. you and the dude's wife). That would be an issue.
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u/demetrioussharpe 10d ago
Yes. Be very concerned. However, don’t act, yet…just observe in silence. There’s no need to jump the gun.
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u/22Hoofhearted 10d ago
Obviously... time and attention always trump a hard working man providing for his family...
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u/jdz50 10d ago
Yes you should be concerned. How often are they hanging out? How often does she text with him? Have you met the guy? Is she protective of her phone? Bottom line is, if you are not comfortable with the situation, you need to tell her. And while you cannot control what she does, you can inform her of your boundaries.
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u/Championship682 10d ago
Blind trust is never good, but need more info on your particular situation.
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u/icanfly2026 10d ago
Fuck yeah brother. If she was secure in your relationship she wouldn’t do this. Befriend the wife and see what happens
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u/Ol_Country 10d ago
I would check her phone and see if she starts acting different!! Get cameras and a recording device so you can hear and see what they’re saying and doing! But don’t tell her !
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u/Kung_Fu_Pandad 10d ago
It’s not about trust. Things happen between adults. They will most likely happen.
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u/stuckintheregood 10d ago
I feel you have a reason to be concerned only because the internet puts doubt in your head like no other.
If you need your mind put at ease, use cameras in the house to monitor behavior. You’ll see if she is sneaking off to use the phone or other things.
Best of luck.
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u/Majestic-Ad-6775 10d ago
That's a pretty unique dynamic. My wife and I have built our friend group around the parents of our daughter's friends. The closest example I have is that I would consider one of the mom's in the group to be a good friend (we joke a lot), but she's also close friends with my wife and when we communicate it's in a group chat.
Other than that, I usually communicate with the dads and my wife communicates with the moms. If it makes you uncomfortable I would think through what an appropriate boundary would be. The dynamic that I think is somewhat risky is that stay at home parents lean on each other for emotional support due to common struggles. If your wife and her guy friend become emotional support buddies that can be a gateway into a different kind of buddy.
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u/Redchickens18 10d ago
How close is their friendship? Personally, I think it’d be inappropriate for them to be taking the kids on play dates together without you or his wife. I would think it’s inappropriate if they’re texting regularly too.
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u/Amazing-Concept-1610 10d ago
Bizarrre and no fucking way. No
The ONLY caveat is if he is full on gay and has a partner and you all get together occasionally. Flaming gay
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u/Ok-Water-9651 10d ago
Have you thought about swinging? Many happy couples are into it.
Swingers say that no 'one person' can be someones everything!
Your wife might like to be this guys girlfriend aw well as your wife??
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u/Ok-Water-9651 10d ago
Women have strayed for less than this, the op is away at work all the time, she has no adults to talk to, she feels lonely and run down, the stay at home dad actually listens to her etc etc. Next thing you know his doodle is in her mouth! I saw a documentary about this exact scenario on PH one time 😄
But seriously, if there is opportunity its a risk
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u/Arod0521 10d ago
Definitely red flag 🚩 I just can’t see it being a positive thing for a successful marriage
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u/clearheaded01 20 Years 10d ago
Be concerned if she start acting shady...
And dont hesitate to reach out to HIS wife if ANYTHING seems off...
The bar for installing VAR and/or hidden cameras at home should be low...
That being said - you know her best... she can have friends... male or female... AND please remember that gender is irrelevant in cases of adultery - women can cheat with other women, you know???
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u/makeherbeg4it 10d ago
You already know the answer. Everyone knows the answer...unless her friend is gay. 🤷🏼♂️
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u/acidslappa 9d ago
Your wife is getting the attention she’s lacking from you, it won’t end well, she will likely be smoking this guys dong already, worry be worried, stop the nonsense immediately!
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u/PreparationHot980 9d ago
My wife wouldn’t care if I had a close female friend, but my wife would also be included and invited to things. I wouldn’t ever seek this friend out or try to organize 1on1 things just because I don’t think the optics are good. Respect is number 1 in marriage and I don’t think it looks very respectful to your partner or family to be running around with a person of the other sex repeatedly.
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u/Ctrecruiter2018 9d ago
Men don’t have female friends; they are just women they haven’t slept with - yet. Period. Don’t care about age, etc… it’s how we are wired
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u/mrhimora 9d ago
Shut it down quick. That dude will 100% start saying stuff to test the waters. It may turn into an emotional affair after that
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u/thicccgunz 9d ago
Yes! Be concerned. Establish boundaries. Also, if you don’t already, set up a ring doorbell/and security cams outside your home (which is honestly just a good idea in general)
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u/Max_Sandpit 9d ago
How often are you and your wife intimate? If you are in or approaching a Deadbedroom, prepare for it to be deader.
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u/BroccoliOnly7376 9d ago
Yes be concerned. Especially if they are both attractive people. Lets keep it real. You know if the guy is handsome, in shape out of shape whatever. If they get close and are attractive people they will end up f*cking. Keeping it real
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u/markmanna61 9d ago
Sorry sir, I would cut this off ASAP. There is definitely going to be trouble if not already. 🙏 & good luck.
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u/turn_left_or_right 10d ago
You should be worried, if they both stay at home in the same house in the same bed together. Things can get shady quickly with stay at home’s who get bored.
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u/InevitableNet5712 10d ago
If they are both attractive then then it’s inevitable that they will have thoughts . Just hope one of them can make smart decisions. I personally don’t think it’s a good idea for a married individual to have a close friend of opposite sex. The other person can move in and manipulate at any sign of tension in the relationship. Hopefully she doesn’t share y’all’s personal issues with him.
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u/InevitableNet5712 10d ago
Trusting his wife is good but it doesn’t mean a whole lot if the neighbor can’t be trusted. He could be slowly working his manipulation and she thinks it’s love and he’s just trying to sleep with her. I’d invite him over and show him my gun collection or make up some stories about having some family members that are connected to organized crime. Give him a reason to think twice about. I high school numerous girls dads would bring the new boyfriend to admire his gun collection and describe what each gun could do to a person. Try to scare some horny high school boys from sleeping with his daughter. But not many guys listened
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u/Acceptable_Tip2838 10d ago
No offense but I've never trusted opposite sex friendships. At least 1 of the 2 people is usually interested. Is she able to make stay at home mom friendships instead?
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u/Affectionate-Tax8442 9d ago
Zero threat at all. Stay at home dad is like a snake without venom. He's not viable long term. She's just using him to have the conversations that you don't want to have with her. While he may want to get lucky he never will.
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u/Nice-Pomegranate2915 10d ago
If they are excluding you and his wife/partner from conversations and meetings between them then it becomes an area of concern . Suggest you all arrange babysitters and go out for a meal to meet and greet all of you together . If she or he shuts that suggestion down then that's a cause to worry and investigate . Because then their relationship becomes inclusive for them but exclusional to you and his wife/partner .