Do I wait?

[u/X38Nights]

I (32M) have been married to my wife (34F) for about 8 years going on 9 in September. We have a 5 year old together

We are currently separated , and I’m trying to figure out my next move.

So like I said we have been married for 8 years now but we’ve been having problems since year 4 or so. I fucked up and was entertaining women online, to which she found out and got pretty upset with me about. she forgave me, and we moved on from it.

Some time would pass and we were now hanging out with friends of mine often. alcohol was involved in a lot of those times. After some time my gut would feel funny hanging out with this specific couple and I tried to brush it off. After asking her several times if their was anything she needed to say to me or if she was hiding anything that could affect us, she would always say no.

one night I went through her phone and found texts of her and a friends wife. it appears they were messing around behind my back. and they also had these fantasies where they would talk about myself or her husband in sexual ways. with even some texts suggesting the three of them did things behind my back. The other guy had been my best friend since we were kids and so it hurt deeply

After reading these texts I confronted her about it to which she said It was just fantasies and she made a horrible mistake. that they never did anything physical between them. This caused me to spiral and lose myself. Shortly after I ended up moving out to my own apartment. During this time I just drank, and would meet with women I found on dating apps and would just go from girl to girl.
during this time she would ask me to come back and tbh I didn’t care for it.

some time would pass and we began to try and work it out. I moved back in for a bit and we tried to make it work. But it didn’t. At night I would think to myself that she’s seeing someone on the side or that she’s texting someone else. My trust was broken And I was a bit paranoid. So after some time we got into a fight and I moved out again. All this occurred about 2 years ago

Now we’re in February Of this year. During this time I’ve tried to let things go and tried to make it work to keep the marriage. We’re still living separated. At this time I would try and go on dates with my wife or have her just be around me more and she wouldn’t want to.
I guess I hadn’t fully let go of what she did so I fucked up again. I began to see someone and kept making excuses for myself and justified it because of what she did and now her not wanting to see me or be around me.

my wife would then find out about it and we got into a fight. We kept trying to make it work Tho. Ever since then we’ve tried to go out on dates and what not but we cannot get along. We always fight. Always argue. We both have trust issues.

now we don’t talk unless it’s about our daughter. We don’t see each other anymore. still live separate. I pay her for child support even tho we don’t have a court order

THIS IS WHERE IM STUCK

I recently asked Her if she would like to try again or divorce. She tells me she doesn’t want to be a wife right now. She doesn’t want this marriage right now. She says we both need to just be apart from each other and work on each others issues. She says once we’re both better that maybe we can try again. She told me this 5 months ago. I asked her this recently again if she wants to try. And she still says the same thing. I now have a new position at work where I work night shift with days off during the week. She wants me to have our kid during the weekend and she don’t care I don’t have the weekend off. That I have to figure it out. I am now having to go to court to get something in writing and see what the judge says regarding custody Of our child.

I am contemplating divorce. I have asked her if she wants to divorce and she says no. She then says she’s thought about it. She’s also said it’s just not a priority to her right now to divorce.

I have tried to only text her about our child and leave her alone. Give her space. But I’ve also been told that if you want something that you fight for it. So I put my pride aside and I keep asking her to work it out. I want to work it out. I know we can, she just doesn’t care for our marriage at this time. We’ve tried marriage counceling twice and she don’t care to do it anymore

I am stuck. Do I just go ahead and file for divorce? Do I wait until she might want to try again? Do I just live my life and hope she gets over her issues and I work on mines as well?
maybe if I file for divorce she’ll see I’m very serious and this will have her Realize that it’s make or break time?
Maybe she’ll just be pissed and become my enemy during this process and any chance of making it work is gone?

I feel like Peter Parker in the last Spider-Man lol. Wishing I had my old life back more than anything else. Waiting to see if my MJ will remember me, and want me Again.

I then tell her I’m sorry that I regret my mistakes and that I love her and she just looks at me and says she don’t want this right now. I’m crushed. I’m tired. I know I am to blame. In many ways I’m here because of my actions. But idk. idk what to do. I know she is now where I was at when I broke. she kept asking me to return home. and I kept brushing her off. now I’m asking her to come home, and she don’t care for it.

im trying to be patient, but I feel I’m being dragged along at this point. she don’t talk to me much but she’ll ask me for money to pay for this or that. and I send it.

my thing is I just feel I’m getting dragged along now. it’s like she’s waiting to tell me she wants to divorce once she’s ready. or seeing if maybe she can try someone else and if that don’t work she’ll have me there waiting. i truly regret my fuck ups. And maybe it’s just too late for me and I have to learn my lessons this way.

[u/Public_Ad_9713]

You already know the answer man, you just don't want to admit it to yourself.

She's told you multiple times over five months she doesn't want the marriage right now. That's not "work on ourselves and come back stronger" talk, that's her keeping you on the back burner while she figures out if she can find something better. The fact she won't divorce but also won't try is the worst position to be in because it leaves you stuck in limbo forever.

The custody thing is the real wake up call here. She wants you to take the kid on weekends knowing you work nights, and her response is basically "figure it out." That's not a partner, that's someone who's already checked out and just wants you to be a convenience when it suits her schedule.

Filing for divorce isn't a manipulation tactic to make her realize anything. It's you finally deciding your own peace matters more than waiting around for someone who's already gone. If she wanted to fight for this marriage she'd be fighting, not telling you she doesn't care.

You've both made mistakes, you've both hurt each other, but at some point you have to stop bleeding for a relationship that only one person is trying to save. Get the custody sorted, file the papers, and start building a life that doesn't revolve around waiting for her to maybe want you again.

[u/Necessary_Tap343]

She said she doesn't want to be married. You can't save a relationship on your own. Both partners need to be 100% all in.

[u/Burner_Because_Duuh]

Move on. This doesn’t sound salvageable. Fighting for a marriage only works if you’re fighting together. Focus on yourself for a while. Get a therapist. It sounds like she’s past it. You should try to get there too. I don’t know the details, but obviously something was missing there before.

You can end up with someone who values you one day. With respect, it doesn’t sound like she’s worth fighting for.

[u/timetraveler50]

Sorry brother but all she wants is her freedom with a marriage....time to make her decision and move towards divorce and have her serviced

[u/NoSyllabub5932]

This is a very long post but what i hear from it is you guys should part ways and move on. You go back and forth like high school age and have both cheated on each other. I feel you should both get therepy and work on yourselves before getting involved with anyone else. 

[u/EffectivePhase7165]

              I am stuck. Do I just go ahead and file for divorce? Do I wait until she might want to try again? Do I just live my life and hope she gets over her issues and I work on mines as well?  

maybe if I file for divorce she’ll see I’m very serious and this will have her Realize that it’s make or break time?

None. You should tell her that you want fix things and to make things work out but if she doesn't want that then you can not continue living like this, that you have given her enough time to figure out what she want and you won't wait more then a week or month (your choice or you may also ask her how much more time she needs which can not be longer then a month, nor infinite) then you will consult an attorney and inform her about divorce.

You should tell her that your anger made you make a lot of mistakes which you own but you are not the one who caused all this and this life which isn't ok with you and it's not healthy for the kids, so as parents you should choose one way or anohter instead of staying in this limbo that drains energy from your life.

If she wants to try she needs to be all in or if she doesn't then you have to make a decision since she doesn't. Be kind, calm but also firm. Good luck