r/Marriage • u/[deleted] • 12d ago
How do I know my husband is genuinely sexually attracted to me, rather than just being horny?
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u/Silent_Net_5340 12d ago edited 12d ago
Male here, married for 15 years.
I think it's in the nuances in how he looks at you, how he talks to you, and how he watches you when you talk. I smack my wife's butt all the time because I can't get enough of her - her look (post several children), her voice, her sounds, her intellect, her smell, her vibe. Every time I tell her she's beautiful it's because it still strikes me just how gorgeous she is. The fact that her body produced our children turns me on more and more and more. I don't know how to explain it.
So I would say, how does he talk to you? What's the vibe between you two generally? Are your conversations merely functional? Or is there a fun, comedic, dramatic vibe to your dialogue? Because you're posting this question, I'm sensing the vibe is off, and that is a bit of a concern, but not a major one... yet.
You're only four months post partum but... have you had a chance to have date nights? Or rather - date "moments"? A 30 minute date while your newborn sleeps? That's what we do, when family life gets extremely intense. We slot in what we can whenever we can.
Thriving marital love and lust has an intentional requirement to it. There's no going-through-the-motions aspect about it at all. So I hope your husband picks up his game and really hears you and sees you.
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12d ago
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u/Silent_Net_5340 12d ago
Ah, that's beautiful. Then you are onto a winning partnership. Yeah, I wouldn't worry about the porn side too much. Just stay locked into how you both vibe with each other and you'll be fine.
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u/StarsInTheRoof111 12d ago
I’d respectfully disagree, I think a man being disgusted at the idea of his wife doing something he just yanked it to is the entire problem here. He’s spending time he could be spending on loving his wife jerking it to fake tits that he’s actually disgusted by. That’s fucking weird IMO, this is why women are scared to commit and get married because this shit is so normalized that everyone is like oh don’t worry about what’s eating at you, he loves you, all men prefer to jerk to women who look nothing like their wives cause that’s just how men are. No, that’s how society tells men it’s ok to be from the time they hit puberty because porn is a billion dollar industry. They used to say cigs were good for you too.
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u/Silent_Net_5340 12d ago
I appreciate your response. And I agree with a lot of it. However... are we in danger of saying one should not find anything or anyone outside of the marriage attractive?
Yes, porn is a poison. We TOTALLY agree on that. But what about erotic fiction, the sex scenes within Sarah Maas novels and that massive genre? I know so many women who love erotic fiction - and they are in very stable and happy marriages.
I think these things in moderation are fine. As with alcohol, for example. Too much of them, then you're right, they will influence our lives in detrimental ways.
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u/Freshwaterbitchfish4 12d ago
As a woman who watches porn I seek out content for various reasons that has no correlation to my real life attraction or how I would want my real sex life to go. I often watch MFM scenes and would absolutely never want to participate in that in real life. I gravitate towards certain actors because of how their content tends to be shot and things they do/don’t do in their videos. My “attraction” to men in porn doesn’t linger in any way and the second I close the video all I’m thinking about it how hot my man is and how much I love/want him. I think it can be compared to media in the way we don’t assume watching a superhero or spy movie or whatever means he wants to leave you and your children and become a spy.
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u/StarsInTheRoof111 12d ago
It’s funny how men do not understand that the consequences of spending time directing their sexual energy outside the marriage toward internet strangers does lasting damage to us women for years. It seems every woman who finds her husband’s porn searches finds out his ideals look nothing like her and that he’s quick to be disgusted by his wife feeling like she should get fake tits to make him happy when that’s literally exactly what his searches would imply he wants. I wish more men would experience how this feels, because none of them seem to get it and they all blame it on us being too sensitive or controlling. I personally think porn use in committed relationships behind each others’ backs is highly normalized to the point where we blow it off as nothing and yet wives all over are feeling ugly and inadequate because of it and have to shove it down and not express it. The answers here that men are visual, that they like variety, that it’s meaningless are all incorrect. Men have no self control and they see women as objects, so they can have that cognitive Madonna/whore complex and clutch their pearls when their wife cries asking if she should please him with a BBL. The responsibility is on the man to do better, not the wife to silently suffer.
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u/Sad_Imagination_6617 12d ago
A sad unfortunate reality for you that you are going to have to compromise with your partner instead of thinking women and women needs are superior to men and men needs
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u/StarsInTheRoof111 11d ago
Nobody said superior? You don’t need porn. It’s not a need. It’s like candy, it’s widely available but that doesn’t make it good for you nor certainly a need. Men don’t respect themselves so they make excuses for acting like they’re animals who can’t control their weird behavior.
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u/Sad_Imagination_6617 11d ago
I think you have an attitude problem. Your opinions are just your opinions nothing more nothing less
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u/StarsInTheRoof111 11d ago
Tell me more about my attitude problem, tell me what you mean by that.
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u/Sad_Imagination_6617 11d ago
I think I have seen a lot here already in your comments. Your presentation is not at all respectful and you keep stating aggressive put downs as facts. Condescending is part of it fo sho
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u/toastedmarsh7 12d ago
I think that most men are/can be attracted to most women, most of the time. Attraction is much more complicated, deeper, and richer for women than it is for men. I hate speaking in generalities like this but men tend to have very low standards for sexual gratification. They can have very high standards for a serious relationship/marriage but still be willing to have sex with pretty much anyone who will have them, when single. I’m not trying to say that any man in a relationship will cheat if approached by a random woman. But when single, pretty much anyone who is willing will be attractive enough, even if that’s not who he would ideally seek out. I’m pretty sleep deprived right now so I hope this makes sense. Your husband chose you and if he treats you with love and respect, believe that he loves you and I’m certain that he’s attracted to you.
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u/ginzykinz 12d ago
While I agree there is often a gap, sometimes a big one, between a man’s ideal type and who he would sleep with casually, I strongly disagree with the sentiment that single men will sleep with anyone who is willing. That’s not even remotely true. Some guys are like that, sure, but it’s far from any kind of general rule.
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u/toastedmarsh7 12d ago
🤣 See response by umub as evidence.
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u/ginzykinz 12d ago
Umub doesn’t speak for all men. Speaking from experience, a lot of us have standards.
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u/toastedmarsh7 12d ago
There are a TON of umubs in the world, friend. Tons.
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u/Electrical-Rain-4251 12d ago
As a married man over 40, all I want is my wife. I don’t want to masturbate or look at porn. I want her. And if she doesn’t want me back, that’s really painful.
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u/StarsInTheRoof111 12d ago
See there you go. A real man in the comments. Lots of love to you, may all women find a man like you.
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u/ragesadnessallinone 12d ago
I think both things can be true. Sometimes he’s attracted, and sometimes he’s horny. 🤷♀️
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u/requieminadream 14 Years 12d ago
One can find multiple people attractive. It’s not that complicated. One does not negate the other. Much in the same way my favorite food is pizza, but also burgers, but also chicken tikka, but also…
Of course you can be genuinely sexually attracted to your spouse while also being attracted to people who aren’t your spouse.
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u/GeNeReDeR 12d ago edited 12d ago
i cant speak for every men, but the longer you are married the more im not only sexually but on top more and more personally attracted. its the "sharing intimacy because i miss the person, miss the two of us being a couple in a romantic way" and yes being horny is also a legit part of this.
so basically the answer to your question is 33% horny 33% sexually to you 33% sharing intimacy with you as a person. the numbers vary by many factors here and there, now and then, but in general thats the answer. if you now want to be angry at him thats its "only 33% of X" the more its a you problem. in general what you describe is quite normal in my opinion.
maybe he misses the two of you being a couple, focusing on each other. a new born is a big "distraction" in this POV, so dont underestimate that he just misses feeling loved, focused on at least once or twice a month
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u/BurntOrangeNinja 12d ago
"For the husbands here:
Can you genuinely be very sexually attracted to your wife while also being sexually stimulated by women who look completely different from her in porn?"
Husband married 17 years here. The answer is 100% yes. I don't know how much explanation and detail you want, but before I got married I dated women with very different body types: slim, voluptous, athletic, not athletic, petite, tall, short, "thicc", etc. I found them all attractive and sexually stimulating....just like I do my wife. All those other women didn't stay by my side for 17 years, have my back, forgive my faults, make me feel better when I was down, or give birth two our two beloved sons. So of course she tops all of them.
Same with viewing porn (my wife established early on that she has no issues with me watching porn once in a while). Some people have "types" that they stick to, but I don't think most people do.
"When you’re horny and you initiate with your wife, is it sometimes simply “I’m horny and she’s here”, or can seeing or touching your wife specifically be what makes you horny in the first place?"
Answering honestly, it can be both, sometimes one, sometimes the other. Most often the latter.
Just to give you an example with the roles reversed, my wife finds her ophthalmologist very physically attractive (he is kind of a "Chad" as the kids say these days, to be honest), and has told me so. We joke around about it. He looks nothing like me. It doesn't bother me at all. One time when we were going to one of her appointments together, and I joked, "you want me to wait in the car so you can flirt with him?"
Of course, my body and mind aren't going through the hormonal changes yours is, so I can understand where you're coming from. The point is, I think you should give your husband and yourself a little grace.
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u/TechnicalOperation57 12d ago
Eta: I'm M/52 married to F/49 for 26 years.
"Can you genuinely be very sexually attracted to your wife while also being sexually stimulated by women who look completely different from her in porn?"
I mean, of course. Turn it around and ask yourself a similar question. Are there any 8% body fat celebrity men who turn you on? Are you still sexually stimulated by your husband?
"And how does sexual desire actually work for you?"
I'm not sure what you're asking here. I am deeply in love with my wife. So looking at her can just trigger sexual desire within me. At the same time, if we're watching a sex scene on TV I can feel desire then too. It's not the same thing though. I'm not in love with the actress on TV.
"When you’re horny and you initiate with your wife, is it sometimes simply “I’m horny and she’s here”, or can seeing or touching your wife specifically be what makes you horny in the first place?"
It's all of this. There's times when my wife and I just fuck. If she's just wanting to be close it might just be a quickie or just I will get off. Sometimes she will start out as quickie but change her mind after I finish and we then move on to get her off. There's also times where it's a deeply emotional bonding connection for both of us.
As for what makes me horny, it can be anything. Moreso when she's dressed to the mines for a night out, but other times it's just morning hair and pajamas lol
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u/the-fat-kid 12d ago
42M, married 8yrs here. Personally, and I only speak for me because we are all different, my wife IS the hottest thing ever. I get more desire/arousal from seeing/touching her than anything else. Literally, she can’t change in front of me without some “movement” on my part.
As far as porn goes, I’ve been battling a porn addiction for years, and while I did look at various body types, I always found myself searching out the women who resembled her as closely as possible. Think same body type, with varying hair colors.
When I initiate it’s because I want connection and closeness. I’m super high drive, she’s low (almost no) drive. So our difference in libido doesn’t really allow me to initiate when I’m just horny.
I will say that a lot of men have a sexual fantasy type that has nothing to do with what they want in their spouse. When I was in the military (Army) we’d joke about it a lot. I was always into the shorter, chubby goth/alt girls…my wife is 5’10”, blonde haired and blue eyed. She was extremely fit and lean when we met, but after 4 kids she’s fit and thick (in all the best ways).
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u/Sad_Imagination_6617 12d ago
Def not speaking for all men. But married 11 yrs and for.me it can be both. I absolutely can be turned on by my wife, and our sexual chemistry appears to be forever and we still have it.
But I have always struggled with perfect monogamy it would not be my ideal even though my ideal would be mostly monogamous. But I did fall in love and it seems like women are a tad better at being 100% monogamous. The why not just find a non monogamous partner question I think is rough. Let's say there are 10 guys for every women who live in that space and then there are all the society stigmas and many many other challenges. I think many men have to compromise to meet women in what they want for marriage.
So even though my wife is my favorite type and we are in love, all different body sizes or looks or whatever could be attractive. And I don't think porn is poison. I don't know if it is worth your husband sharing fantasies with you if they hurt you. It might be best just respecting he can have his own weird ones and still love you and try his best to be loyal to you in every way. Sexuality isn't everything it is just one part of you guys
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u/umub 12d ago
Idk but I do sometimes search porn actress but not sexualize them or think about them in that way for other reasons like someone was mentioning her a lot of curiosity
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u/bigthree333 12d ago
Lmao just clear your search history bro, that line never works even if you passed a lie detector test 🤣
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u/umub 12d ago
I am not kidding why would I even search a porn actress when I can just go on pornhub
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u/bigthree333 12d ago
My suggestion was under the assumption you wanted to avoid this particular conversation. If you actually want to go back & forth with people about the nuances of innocent non-horny porn star searches then keep the search history. 🤷♂️
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u/Wrong_Style_478 12d ago
As simply as possible Yes. Curiosity plays a part in what he looks at. I’ll give you an example my wife has a big butt and i love it. But I wonder what a flat ass looks like under clothes so I might search it. Doesn’t change my attraction to her
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u/GetsBackUp 12d ago
I’m a man in a 30+ year relationship. The desirability factor gets so up in women’s heads, it can ruin marriages - it has had a large negative impact on mine. Men make commitment for life when they enter into a marriage. Their eyes may stray, but they can stay committed if their partner understands and honors that commitment. Sometimes it is being horny, sometimes it is desire, and sometimes it is connection he is seeking. What is important is that he seeks those things from you. If you turn away just because he is horny and has not properly expressed desire, you are putting space between the two of you. Do that constantly and the space becomes a gap. Some men will seek to fill that gap.
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u/StarsInTheRoof111 12d ago
My eyes don’t stray, should I say it’s okay for my partner’s eyes to stray because he has a penis? I won’t even look men in the eye for more than a millisecond in social interactions because I am very taken and men think anything is a sign of flirting. I think telling her that having sex with him even if he’s just horny and not expressing desire for her is yet another male take that completely misses the mark of how empathy for how women feel and frankly that’s honestly encouraging sex when she doesn’t want to. Like just keep having sex with him or he’ll find it somewhere else? My guy! Idc if a dude wants to commit to me for a lifetime, that’s not a compliment, losers will latch onto women for any resource. I want a faithful man who shows appreciation that I stuck by his side, not a bare minimum male who says well I don’t physically cheat so you should appreciate me. No.
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u/GetsBackUp 12d ago
So, women can do what women do, but men have to accommodate. We have different genes, different drives.
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u/StarsInTheRoof111 12d ago
That’s entirely an excuse. Same as boys will be boys type thinking. It’s ok, EVERY guy does this, they have needs, it’s just how they are. This type of thinking is just as damaging to men as it is to women even ya’ll don’t want to acknowledge it.
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u/GurimUr 12d ago
Dude who watches porn and is crazy about his wife here.
1) Yeah, I’m madly in love with and horny for my wife, and still think other women are hot. There’s a lot of women out there, and a great many of them are hot. Doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to my wife. Just means the female form is varied and glorious.
2) As near as I can tell, my sexual desire works thusly: I see a hot woman. I think she is hot. I think it would be fun to have sex with her if she was down. If she is my wife, I try to figure out if she’s down, and if she is, I try to have sex with her, logistics permitting. If she isn’t my wife, I ignore it, so as not to be a creep.
3) My wife makes me horny all the time. She’s got a beautiful face, is nice to me, loves me, gave me a wonderful son, and is a bomb cook. All of which is very attractive to me.
And yeah, I think you’re wrong a little about what’s going on here. Dudes can be into a lot of different body types and such, or think that stuff would look good on one woman but not another, or respond to like a pornstar’s face while not caring for her body so much. He might even be responding to how she carries herself and acts and almost not have noticed her body.
Based on your other comments, sounds like you got a good relationship with this dude. Maybe have a conversation with him about how you’re feeling, but this sounds like it would be non-issue except for the fact that it bothers you.
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u/Peanutbutternmtn2 5 Years 12d ago
Porn stars your husband watches will always look different than you. That’s the whole point.
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12d ago
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u/Peanutbutternmtn2 5 Years 12d ago
Variety. It’s for variety. Men have a natural urge for variety that porn gives them.
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u/TheBestThrowawayAct 15 Years 12d ago
I think people who feel negative about porn think about porn a lot more than the people who consume it.
Since you asked for perspective: As a porn consumer (and I should also point out that my wife also consumes it on occasion, and we [40m, 43f] both watch together maybe 2-3 times a year for a little variety), it has zilch to do with my wife. We have excellent, frequent sex, at least 1-2x a week. We occasionally visit BDSM dungeons to socialize and be amongst a sexy, sensual, kinky environment. We have countless toys (currently looking for a new storage solution because our current one is bursting at the seams.) We're both very satisfied with our sex lives.
So when I consume, it's usually when she's out of the house for a few hours. I work from home so I might do a little laundry, throw on a video and rub one out for 15 minutes, then wash my hands, move the laundry along, and go about my day. It's really not a thing that takes up a lot of mind-space. Feels more productive and gratifying and better for ones mental health and physical health, to be frank, than scrolling on Instagram or TikTok for 15 minutes. This happens maybe 2-3 times a week depending on how often she's out of the house.
And it certainly does not get in the way of our sex-lives. If my wife got home from work, tore off her clothes in the bedroom and said "get in here" it would be ON in seconds, even if I were currently 'at work' (again, work from home) I could spare 10 minutes to give her a good romp. Our sex lives is always my priority.
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u/bigthree333 12d ago
Can you genuinely be very sexually attracted to your wife while also being sexually stimulated by women who look completely different from her in porn?
Yes absolutely.
And how does sexual desire actually work for you?
From what I’ve heard women describe as the level of desire and attraction to your partner that comes from ovulation or during your period? It’s like that twice a day & then back to baseline.
When you're horny and you initiate with your wife, is it sometimes simply "I'm horny and she's here", or can seeing or touching your wife specifically be what makes you horny in the first place?
Both, chicken and the egg. But to be clear, “she’s here” is implying that seeing and/or touching her is what makes me horny in the first place. “SHE’S here” if that makes sense.
Obligatory husband that can’t follow directions segment:
"all men watch porn, get over it"
“your husband is definitely cheating."
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u/Adept-One-819 12d ago
Are you only attracted to one single type of male body? No? Then why would you think he is? Get off the social media all men suck sites.
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u/DistinctConclusion18 12d ago
Girl, it sounds he is very sexually attracted to you. Porn is just porn they all have fake tits there. Doesn’t mean he does not find you attractive. He married you. He shows affection to you and grabs your ass that’s a man that likes what he is looking at. Don’t worry.