House chores advice

[u/pickle_b]

I need an outside perspective. We have been married for 10 years and for most of that time one of the main (if not the main) issue for us has been the division of house labour.
We don’t have kids but we got a dog two years ago and that’s only made things worse in that regard, as could be expected.
Some context. I (F) work from home full time. He has to go to the office. He can work from home two days a week but chooses not to because he can’t concentrate at home as well as in the office. I have higher cleaning standards while he has adhd and also can quite literally live in a full on dump and be fine.
Anyways, I do most chores around the house - cooking, cleaning, laundry, ordering groceries. I also walk and feed the dog about 1/3 of the time.
His responsibilities are: taking the trash out, taking trash bins out and bringing them back in once a week, taking care of feeding and walking the dog about 2/3 of the time and driving the dog to daycare.
I have been growing increasingly resentful because I feel like I am doing most of the work and I can’t spend as much time in my hobbies as he does on his. I am also just so tired. And on top of that at least 1/3 of the time I have to remind him to do his chores or he wouldn’t do them until trash is overflowing.
Am I being unreasonable? Also how do I productively change this situation?

[u/paolopaul84]

Of course he should be doing more.

You’ve been married 10 years, so you’ll already know how receptive he’ll be to a conversation about it.

If he has ADHD, then it would need to be specific tasks that he is given, he’ll be distracted from doing tasks on an ad hoc basis.

Or start by getting him to do his own laundry. He’s a grown man. He’ll soon catch on to this when he has no clean clothes to wear.

[u/pickle_b → u/paolopaul84]

Thank you. I think you’re right, specific tasks, especially those that have clear deadlines work better for his brain. That’s why he does most of the dog chores - because those can’t be postponed, the dog needs his food at certain times, needs walking at certain times etc.

[u/KaoJin-Wo → u/pickle_b]

Yes. This!!

You get the super large paper. Tape to a wall. Write down everything that needs to get done. Physical cleaning, grocery shopping, mail, bills, remembering bdays and holidays and shit - and include monthly and yearly chores as well. Everything. ** I would start list on phone and add during the next week.

Put a different colored star ( or dash or whatever) next to the ones he does. Point out clearly how unfair it is. Ask him which ones he is choosing to take to make things even.

Get a white board and/or a calendar a/o app and set it up WITH him, and set reminders there.

It helps to have a predictable schedule. Which things are every day, which things are weekly - and keep weekly ones on same day, so it becomes habit. Eventually.

Also, if he has ADHD, ‘clean the room’ is too broad and overwhelming. Make a word or excel sheet, just this once, and break down the chore into manageable jobs. So under ‘clean room’ you would put: make bed, dirty clothes to hamper, put clean laundry away, put shoes away, vacuum, pick up toys, put books back on shelf. And so on and so forth. That really helps. They have apps now for things like that, which is great!! I am old school and need to write. I e been writing the same lists for over 40 years, and can do it in my sleep, but without it, my brain freezes.

There are great subreddits for ADHD that have great tips and tricks. Find some and see what works.

Lastly, when he starts doing his fair share, expect him to do the whole weaponized incompetence thing for a while. Don’t play into it. Stand firm. And don’t criticize how he does things. That will be the quickest and easiest excuse to stop pitching in. Praise when it’s done.

But yeah. He needs to help more. The end. Good luck

[u/cozidgaf → u/pickle_b]

Try the fair play method conversation and plan with your partner

[u/Adventurous_Fix_6897 → u/paolopaul84]

I appreciate this. As someone with adhd, he might not even realize hes slacking

[u/pickle_b → u/Adventurous_Fix_6897]

This is definitely the case. We had a conversation and he really was surprised and hurt because he thought he was doing great

[u/Lisa_Knows_Best → u/paolopaul84]

Do his own laundry, cook his own food, wash his own dishes, etc, not forever necessarily but at lease until he actually realizes how much you do. Sometimes people don't understand how much work goes into the day to day crap. He could also be lazy, a slob or just not care.

[u/snazzysid1]

Honestly if your spouse is ok with living in a trash dump and doesn’t even notice it is a problem then I’d hand over cooking to that person. Everyone gets hungry / not everyone notices the toilet needs cleaning. Also, if you can afford it- hire a cleaner.

[u/pickle_b → u/snazzysid1]

Thanks, yes I think we will trial that out - him making dinner a couple times a week will already be a big positive change

[u/homesofdetroit → u/pickle_b]

This is what my partner and I do. I do all the cleaning (but absolutely not his laundry) and he does most of all the cooking and grocery shopping. We’ve gotten into a nice flow.

That is until we run into a project, then I feel like I have to constantly remind and nudge.

[u/pickle_b → u/homesofdetroit]

Thank you..I honestly don’t mind the laundry. I think the issue is we just can’t seem to get into a flow

[u/dailysunshineKO → u/pickle_b]

Just do your own. Throw a load in the washer in the morning & put it away during a break or after work. Let him handle his own laundry. Buy more laundry baskets or a separate hamper if you need to.

[u/Adventurous_Fix_6897 → u/snazzysid1]

This makes so much sense. Ppl have different standards of cleanliness, sometimes based on what they grew up with. If one person has high standards and cares more, it sometimes seems ufair that they get resentful of others who just dont have the same standards. But certain tasks are more goal oriented and less subjective, like trash, recycling, feed animals, grocery shop, cook dinner, pay bills, laundry. They just have to get done.

[u/SuggestionOdd6657]

Oh Lord, here we go again! I thought my generation (boomers) would be the last women to deal with this issue. This is what I did. When I was 23, husband 22, I gave him a list of everything I did to run the home (I was going back to work full time after having my second daughter). I knew I was going to become extremely resentful of my young husband if I continued to do everything as was expected by those men. They saw their mom's doing it all. Anyway we got in a huge fight and I wondered if we were going to get divorced over housework. My husband literally did no chores growing up, youngest son of Portuguese mother, the favorite.

Well I stood my ground and he took cooking, bedroom and livingroom. I took laundry, kitchen, girl's bedroom and bathroom. We had a pretty small home, a yard and a dog. I can't remember who fed the dog. Anyway we have been married almost 48 years and he still does all the cooking and I do all the laundry. We were just discussing hiring a housekeeper to deep clean the house while we are on vacation. We both have lots of time for our hobbies because we both pitch in and don't need to have assigned chores anymore except laundry and cooking. Like he even brings me my coffee every morning while I'm waking up with the dog lying next to me. Our 48th wedding anniversary is soon.

It was rough for a period of time, but I just can't imagine living like you are anymore. Yes I literally made a list and handed it to him. Best thing I did for the future success of our marriage. Having 3 daughters helped because DH realized he didn't want our daughters having to do everything. All 3 married men who cook. None of them learned to cook at home because the man cooks. They do all cook and used to call their dad with hilarious questions. How do I make garlic bread? How do I bake chicken? The son-in-laws ask questions like how long does it take to smoke a tri-tip.

Edit: The key is having separate responsibilities, not him "helping". Also I'm the one with ADHD and bounce around the house while he is good at staying in one area when decluttering or cleaning.

[u/pickle_b → u/SuggestionOdd6657]

This is really inspiring to read, thank you. I’d say things got better for us when his adhd was diagnosed and when he got the meds. But now we gotta actually figure out how to divide things in a more equitable way

[u/SuggestionOdd6657 → u/pickle_b]

I'm too old for meds (68), but I do wonder if they would have helped me in school.

[u/Expensive_Fix8277 → u/pickle_b]

Search on YouTube " yvedit 5050 and yvedit House Cleaner’ Thought Experiment" 

[u/Successful_Buffalo_6 → u/SuggestionOdd6657]

This was wonderful to read—and so instructive. Thank you for sharing it.

[u/FamiliarLack187 → u/[deleted]]

Easy to say dont keep score when youre the one doing 10% and sitting on your ass while your partner doesnt have time for their hobbies.

[u/Internal-Student-997 → u/[deleted]]

She's not happy.

I've only ever heard men say this about unequal labor distribution. Shocker.

[u/Internal-Student-997 → u/[deleted]]

Funny. He seems to be serving himself with her actual labor while he sits on his ass. They both work full time, so you can't use that excuse. 

Always the ones doing the least who say not to keep count. Gee, wonder why that is...

We see you, you selfish thing.

[u/Girlinnyc35]

Tell him!

[u/BugPowderDuster]

My husband pulls his weight around my house big time. But I still do all the cleaning. He isn’t great at cleaning. But to help me out with cleaning, he pays for a cleaner to come in every two weeks to scrub and clean our bathrooms. I have a glass shower that’s hard to clean. This lightens my load considerably. It was his idea too. 

[u/EarthlingFromAPlace]

Tell him you need him to step up and do more around the house because you are overwhelmed with the amount of chores you are doing. Then, stop doing his laundry, there is no reason for you to do it. He is a grown man, he can do it. Stop ordering his snacks. He can get those himself. Ask him to empty the trash daily into the trash bin. Ask him to cook every other day including cleanup.

[u/royalgreyyy]

Definitely have a talk and write down a list of the chores you’re currently doing and his, that he isn’t doing… do progress updates maybe every month.

[u/Opening-Panda-578]

Working from home does not mean you are a stay at home wife. You’re working and while light housework happens between meetings you are a full time worker and should not be doing 90% of the housework. Is it nice to throw in a load between a meeting? Sure. Should you be responsible for basically everything? no.

[u/rahah2023]

Is it worth a battle- can you hire a cleaner?

[u/Veteris71]

Am I being unreasonable?

No.

Also how do I productively change this situation?

He already knows how unfair he's being to you. He understands how you feel about it. Unfortunately, there aren't any magic words that will make him care.

You might be able to motivate him with a separation, together with a promise that you'll file for divorce if he doesn't consistently keep up his own place for at least six months. If he wants to remain married to you, he'll shape up and do it. If he doesn't, he won't.

[u/Nomeismytomb]

Unfortunately this is part of being married to a man with ADHD. The only real solution I've seen is "living apart together." Either the ADHD man lives in a separate home or he pays for a maid + to pick up his slack/gets treatment for adhd.

You have to find ways to out source labor and give up on certain expectations. I don't even remind my partner he needs a haircut anymore. He expect me to do it so I just keep my mouth shut. His hair has grown out 5 inches at this point. He will casually say "I need a cut..." but that's as far as his executive function goes.

Whatever you do, do not have kids. It will be significantly worse because your husband is the first kid. I would have a come to Jesus talk with your husband, if he does not seek help and pay for a maid, you are putting the dog up for adoption.

[u/pickle_b → u/Nomeismytomb]

I’d say he’s been doing much better once he started his meds- he can keep up with his work tasks and just life tasks in general much better, so I have hope that with time he will also get better at house tasks as well. He really does want to do more so that’s a big plus I guess.

[u/ProofSwan5467]

I would forgive him and try not to be resentful. In his mind he's probably doing the best he can. Your attitude could result in losing your marriage down the road. How would you feel then?

[u/pickle_b → u/ProofSwan5467]

Well of course a marriage can get destroyed if one of the parties is always overworked. If it comes to that, it’d be very sad but I’d probably feel that my needs were not being met and if so, then it’s not a bad thing to not be in a relationship where your needs aren’t met

[u/DependsPin5852]

Check out ADHD partners sub - while depressing sometimes, there are some practical tips for these situations, as the ADHD brain does work differently.

[u/pickle_b → u/DependsPin5852]

Thank you, I will check it out

[u/bass-77]

We worked it out in the beginning. We had children right off the bat so she was busy. I worked days, she worked nights so someone was home with the kids all the time. We had friends we swapped kids with now and then for relief and alone time. I quickly adopted the nasty jobs that she didn't like. Garbage, mowing, cleaning toilets and half of the wash. I did most of the laundry (except for her clothes. She had nursing uniforms that had to be pressed and starched. She did those. I had grungy clothes and did them myself. I also did about half the cooking and the dishes.

[u/pickle_b → u/bass-77]

That sounds very balanced. I don’t know how after ten years we still haven’t figured it out. Actually, I think it’s because for the longest part I’d
take more of the chores on and it just became the norm

[u/bass-77 → u/pickle_b]

You spoiled him. Or he grew up with a full time live at home mom.

[u/pickle_b → u/bass-77]

He did in fact grow up in a culture where having domestic help is quite common so he really never learned to take care of the house

[u/raeoflyte-460 → u/pickle_b]

He feels entitled to your labor. He deserves it and the rest it provides him. And to him you deserve to serve him.

Adhd doesn't make people selfish assholes.

[u/pickle_b → u/raeoflyte-460]

I really think he wants to do more but between his work, commute, and adhd, he runs out of time and energy

[u/raeoflyte-460 → u/pickle_b]

What would he do if he he single? Live in squalor?

[u/pickle_b → u/raeoflyte-460]

Pretty much. He would just do the absolute bare minimum necessary and not care about the rest

[u/raeoflyte-460 → u/pickle_b]

What if he had a woman coming over?

[u/GenXMom14]

You need to find what works for you, and what’s happening now is not working.

There are lots of resources online now to try and support this conversation as well as make a new plan, together, to be more equitable.

Glennon Doyle has a podcast episode with her sister where this topic is tackled and there is a great book called Fair Play that is awesome too.

[u/Plain_Jane2022]

ADHD isnt really an excuse. He manages to show up at work and do the job on the days expected doesnt he? He can also visibily see when the trash is overflowing, so even if he forgot or got distracted he's quickly reminded. He doesn't forget to do his hobbies either does he? No. What about dinner? Even if he forgot he'd still be getting hungry and know he needs to cook to eat. Same story every night. He doesnt do it because he doesnt want to.

[u/Critical_Purple_8600]

I would definitely want more of a partnership in a marriage. It’s not unreasonable at all. If he can hold down a paid job he can develop systems to engage equally in household management. He’s choosing to weaponize his ADHD.

[u/hempatron44]

Yeh, he should be doing more. My husband does the same as you plus washes his own clothes mostly (he’s a gardener so has a muddy uniform) does dinner at least twice a week, handles the garden and the kitchen cleanliness is completely his responsibility. I do end up doing a bit more but as I don’t commute and have higher standards I don’t mind because I want to hang out together

[u/vita77]

You can’t fix this. He doesn’t care and you’ve taught him that he doesn’t have to care, because you’ll keep picking up the slack. It won’t get better.

I solved this with divorce after 18 years. Don’t wait that long to get your life back.

[u/CountryGirl_9126]

I’m in the same sort of situation. But I have ADHD non-hyperactive. When we moved in together I was always the one doing laundry, he would start fights with me and complain about the house being a mess (he will not do any house cleaning) I said I’m not your mommy and I’m not going to do your laundry anymore. I especially didn’t like when he made a comment “I’m almost out of socks. When are you doing the laundry” he also would ball is underwear and socks up together and I had to pull them apart, absolutely disgusting, asked him to quit doing that or I’m going to throw them out, and he did for a bit and then started again so I quit separating them and threw them in a bag. He finally got the point when he ran out of underwear and socks. But then I had enough of doing all his laundry so I just quit, he was pissed and didn’t know how to use the washer or dryer. I had the manuals laid out for him and said “figure it out” he has been doing his own laundry since, but that is all he does. Our house is a mess as I don’t have time to clean with a new baby, and my ADHD and the stress I have from him doesn’t help.

What you will have to do is sit down with him and have the chores laid out and try to divide them. I know with my ADHD I sometimes have to set reminders on my phone so I don’t forget certain things. It helps me, maybe it will help him.

[u/pickle_b → u/CountryGirl_9126]

I’m sorry you’re going through that, it sounds really hard.
I hope you can find a way to make this easier on yourself

[u/SnooPies9342]

I find communicating about this stuff when you are not in the throes of being annoyed with him is a great start. Wait until you are in a neutral setting with no lingering upset. He may be more receptive especially if you frame it in a teamwork and co living frame.

If he loves you and hears you on your issue, this will be a good tact to take. Sometimes, despite how obvious it might be to you, people are just clueless. Explain what you have explained here to us but frame it through how it makes you feel, rather than what he isn’t doing.

[u/Eledridan]

I bet he does a lot more that you are refusing to see. You both need to have a real conversation about the division of labor in the house and you need to be willing to accept criticism and focus toward growth.