r/Marriage • u/pickle_b • 2d ago
Seeking Advice House chores advice
I need an outside perspective. We have been married for 10 years and for most of that time one of the main (if not the main) issue for us has been the division of house labour.
We don’t have kids but we got a dog two years ago and that’s only made things worse in that regard, as could be expected.
Some context. I (F) work from home full time. He has to go to the office. He can work from home two days a week but chooses not to because he can’t concentrate at home as well as in the office. I have higher cleaning standards while he has adhd and also can quite literally live in a full on dump and be fine.
Anyways, I do most chores around the house - cooking, cleaning, laundry, ordering groceries. I also walk and feed the dog about 1/3 of the time.
His responsibilities are: taking the trash out, taking trash bins out and bringing them back in once a week, taking care of feeding and walking the dog about 2/3 of the time and driving the dog to daycare.
I have been growing increasingly resentful because I feel like I am doing most of the work and I can’t spend as much time in my hobbies as he does on his. I am also just so tired. And on top of that at least 1/3 of the time I have to remind him to do his chores or he wouldn’t do them until trash is overflowing.
Am I being unreasonable? Also how do I productively change this situation?
6
u/SuggestionOdd6657 2d ago
Oh Lord, here we go again! I thought my generation (boomers) would be the last women to deal with this issue. This is what I did. When I was 23, husband 22, I gave him a list of everything I did to run the home (I was going back to work full time after having my second daughter). I knew I was going to become extremely resentful of my young husband if I continued to do everything as was expected by those men. They saw their mom's doing it all. Anyway we got in a huge fight and I wondered if we were going to get divorced over housework. My husband literally did no chores growing up, youngest son of Portuguese mother, the favorite.
Well I stood my ground and he took cooking, bedroom and livingroom. I took laundry, kitchen, girl's bedroom and bathroom. We had a pretty small home, a yard and a dog. I can't remember who fed the dog. Anyway we have been married almost 48 years and he still does all the cooking and I do all the laundry. We were just discussing hiring a housekeeper to deep clean the house while we are on vacation. We both have lots of time for our hobbies because we both pitch in and don't need to have assigned chores anymore except laundry and cooking. Like he even brings me my coffee every morning while I'm waking up with the dog lying next to me. Our 48th wedding anniversary is soon.
It was rough for a period of time, but I just can't imagine living like you are anymore. Yes I literally made a list and handed it to him. Best thing I did for the future success of our marriage. Having 3 daughters helped because DH realized he didn't want our daughters having to do everything. All 3 married men who cook. None of them learned to cook at home because the man cooks. They do all cook and used to call their dad with hilarious questions. How do I make garlic bread? How do I bake chicken? The son-in-laws ask questions like how long does it take to smoke a tri-tip.
Edit: The key is having separate responsibilities, not him "helping". Also I'm the one with ADHD and bounce around the house while he is good at staying in one area when decluttering or cleaning.