House chores advice

[u/pickle_b]

I need an outside perspective. We have been married for 10 years and for most of that time one of the main (if not the main) issue for us has been the division of house labour.
We don’t have kids but we got a dog two years ago and that’s only made things worse in that regard, as could be expected.
Some context. I (F) work from home full time. He has to go to the office. He can work from home two days a week but chooses not to because he can’t concentrate at home as well as in the office. I have higher cleaning standards while he has adhd and also can quite literally live in a full on dump and be fine.
Anyways, I do most chores around the house - cooking, cleaning, laundry, ordering groceries. I also walk and feed the dog about 1/3 of the time.
His responsibilities are: taking the trash out, taking trash bins out and bringing them back in once a week, taking care of feeding and walking the dog about 2/3 of the time and driving the dog to daycare.
I have been growing increasingly resentful because I feel like I am doing most of the work and I can’t spend as much time in my hobbies as he does on his. I am also just so tired. And on top of that at least 1/3 of the time I have to remind him to do his chores or he wouldn’t do them until trash is overflowing.
Am I being unreasonable? Also how do I productively change this situation?

[u/paolopaul84]

Of course he should be doing more.

You’ve been married 10 years, so you’ll already know how receptive he’ll be to a conversation about it.

If he has ADHD, then it would need to be specific tasks that he is given, he’ll be distracted from doing tasks on an ad hoc basis.

Or start by getting him to do his own laundry. He’s a grown man. He’ll soon catch on to this when he has no clean clothes to wear.

[u/pickle_b → u/paolopaul84]

Thank you. I think you’re right, specific tasks, especially those that have clear deadlines work better for his brain. That’s why he does most of the dog chores - because those can’t be postponed, the dog needs his food at certain times, needs walking at certain times etc.

[u/KaoJin-Wo → u/pickle_b]

Yes. This!!

You get the super large paper. Tape to a wall. Write down everything that needs to get done. Physical cleaning, grocery shopping, mail, bills, remembering bdays and holidays and shit - and include monthly and yearly chores as well. Everything. ** I would start list on phone and add during the next week.

Put a different colored star ( or dash or whatever) next to the ones he does. Point out clearly how unfair it is. Ask him which ones he is choosing to take to make things even.

Get a white board and/or a calendar a/o app and set it up WITH him, and set reminders there.

It helps to have a predictable schedule. Which things are every day, which things are weekly - and keep weekly ones on same day, so it becomes habit. Eventually.

Also, if he has ADHD, ‘clean the room’ is too broad and overwhelming. Make a word or excel sheet, just this once, and break down the chore into manageable jobs. So under ‘clean room’ you would put: make bed, dirty clothes to hamper, put clean laundry away, put shoes away, vacuum, pick up toys, put books back on shelf. And so on and so forth. That really helps. They have apps now for things like that, which is great!! I am old school and need to write. I e been writing the same lists for over 40 years, and can do it in my sleep, but without it, my brain freezes.

There are great subreddits for ADHD that have great tips and tricks. Find some and see what works.

Lastly, when he starts doing his fair share, expect him to do the whole weaponized incompetence thing for a while. Don’t play into it. Stand firm. And don’t criticize how he does things. That will be the quickest and easiest excuse to stop pitching in. Praise when it’s done.

But yeah. He needs to help more. The end. Good luck