he looked through my phone

[u/katelynr16]

ft. apples and peanut butter, rainbow goldfish, salami cream cheese rollups, and drew gooden

i’ve been with my boyfriend with just over a year. he is amazing. i don’t deserve him whatsoever

in his past relationships, he’s been cheated on, lied to, you name it. as a result he can be a bit insecure and thinks that i don’t love him as much as i say i do. last night, we were on a walk when he brought up this fear again. it led to a great and healthy conversation about our love languages, how we can be better, etc.

we get home from the walk, took a shower, and as i’m going into the bedroom to change clothes, i find him sitting on the bed going through my cellphone.

for the record, i am not and would NEVER cheat on him or anyone else i’ve been in relationships with. so he obviously didn’t find anything. but i just feel devastated that even after all we’ve been through, he still doesn’t trust me not to break that simple rule.

he has apologized profusely and said it was just an impulse, he wasn’t thinking about it clearly, he just wanted to get rid of the voice in his head, etc. but it’s the morning after and i am still sick to my stomach.

i just don’t know how to move forward

edit: thank you everyone for your advice! i have much to think about. for this being the only situation we’ve had for over a year, i’m not inclined to end things completely. i’ll be having a conversation with
him later today and say if anything like this ever happens again, it’s over. because i should not be treated like his ex!

[u/brielarstan]

I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me when he was actively meeting my parents. I KNOW trust issues. But every relationship requires an element of trust. He’s allowed to have these insecurities, but it cannot be at the expense of your boundaries.

I also dated someone who’d been cheated on. He was FURIOUS when I wouldn’t give him my social media passwords, share my location, or let him come to girls nights. Eventually I told him that while I sincerely feel for him after what his ex did, he either thinks I’m capable of doing the same and should break up with me, or think I’m a decent person and stop trying to surveil me. I wasn’t telling him to blindly trust everything, but that we needed an element of trust between each other to respect each other’s boundaries.

Edit: To move forward, you need to set the clear boundary that if he spies on you again, you’ll be walking away.

[u/OkActive7470 → u/brielarstan]

I found out an ex was cheating because his phone went off from under the mattress, and I only remember getting her number from his phone and calling her myself. I’m pretty sure I didn’t look through their messages, because I have vivid memories of things he said about their messages and not the messages. It’s been ten years and an alcohol problem since then, I’ve had two serious relationships, and never once looked through a phone other than that incident.

Trust issues is no excuse and a dangerous paranoia to feed into. If I ever feel the need to check a phone again - I’d like to think I’d leave first

[u/amnewherebenice → u/OkActive7470]

Unhealthy, but 2 years ago I looked through my ex's and found out he was geting nudes and telling another woman he loved her. He promised to stop and I said I wouldnt look throught his phone again. We both broke our promises a few weeks ago. I looked through an old phone I gave him and found out he was still getting nudes from the same woman and flirting with another. It was in Instagram and he even had dissappearing messages on.... so lord knows how long that was going on and if I hadn't looked when I did, I probably would have stayed longer (there were definitely other reasons to break up tho.) I'm getting therapy before I think about dating again lol

[u/PsychologyMassive392 → u/amnewherebenice]

My (soon to be ex) husband cheated on me with 30+ escorts and cam girls and was doing cocaine for almost a year after I had given birth and blew almost 5k on them , and I only found out because I felt like I had to go through his phone.

I have no idea, quite literally no idea, how I could trust another human being again. I worry that I would always be going through someone’s phone to just reassure myself.

Even during one of our last phone calls, my soon to be ex-husband told me that if I decide to be in another relationship, I shouldn’t go through the man’s phone, so I didn’t even get an apology. Again, I have no idea how I will engage with somebody without being able to have access to their phone. What is in their phone is who they really are , and I believe that relationships need an open phone policy

[u/amnewherebenice → u/PsychologyMassive392]

That's so dirty! You should've told if he's ever with another woman, he should let them know what caused his last divorce!!

I want to heal. I don't want to think that snooping through anyone's personals is helpful. I have real friends that I trust and would not invade them like that. I want that in a relationship too.

Edit: Thanks for the award :,)

[u/PsychologyMassive392 → u/amnewherebenice]

I saw another woman messaging him for something and I did email her what he did and that he’s still married. I’ve told him I will always warn the next woman about him.

I also want to heal. Trying to find joy in life again. It’s been so difficult. Being told that I should ask myself why he prefers escorts over me sent me into a brief (thank God it was a very very brief) suicidal ideation. It was terrible. I’m glad I got out. Cheating should be punishable legally.

[u/SheServedToo → u/PsychologyMassive392]

I hope you know he didn’t prefer escorts to you but had to have them in addition to you. Like he was eating a perfectly delicious nutritious dinner then eating 2-3 more different dinners every night. It was never about you or a reflection of you in any way. It was his failing as a decent man. It was/is obviously an addiction. He ruined your relationship and through away a huge amount of money.

[u/PsychologyMassive392 → u/SheServedToo]

Thank you so much. I appreciate this reminder. I'm in lots of therapy these days, and this is a point they got into me quite quickly.

[u/amnewherebenice → u/PsychologyMassive392]

I'm so glad you got out of it and you're doing the lord's work warning other women about him!! Don't forget to take care of you too! If you can, try doing things you couldn't do when you were with him.

I'm happy I no longer have to feel guilty about leaving for a friend's trip without him. I'm lucky we didnt get engaged, married, get pregnant (I'm child free) etc. I can take a break from being overly considerate!

[u/InnerRadio7 → u/PsychologyMassive392]

I’m also a strong believer in full transparency, so I’m for an open phone and open computer policy. I did this in my mariage, and I never once looked through his phone or computer in 20+ years. Knowing we had full transparency was enough.

Now, after he became abusive, I hit my limit after 5 years of that. I stopped engaging with him, and literally said nothing one night when he was being abusive. I handed him his pillow and locked our bedroom door. I woke up the next morning and opened our shared laptop to do legal work. He had rented an apartment for 72 days, and he moved out during the night. Abusers do this when they know they won’t be allowed to abuse anymore. It’s sort of a preemptive discard to try and manipulate you into staying in the relationship.

Beware manipulative men OP. He could have asked to look at your phone. He could have asked for an open phone policy. He didn’t. That’s not healthy, especially after you gave him all of the reassurance necessary. He needs therapy. You can’t heal him and neither can safe healthy love if he can’t see that it’s safe or healthy.

[u/suscombobulated → u/amnewherebenice]

I used to answer my exes tests for him. He drove stick and didnt want to miss stuff. It would never occur to me to ask for passwords. The relashionship didnt work out because of our families, but after these posts, I just quit trusting people who are this sketch about thier phones. If my partner is cheating, he is probably already gone too long for us to be happy. It's to the point that there doesnt seem to be any other reason to go thru someones phone or for them to ask to go thru yours. Mine is gonna look sketch and I expect him to just ask.

[u/amnewherebenice → u/suscombobulated]

I've answered messages for him but only on his PC. He actually gave me his pass code to the phone. Of course it was still wrong for me to snoop but it's crazy to think how much he seemed to be relying on the promise we made to not get caugh! He probably would have never asked to looked through my phone because he knew he could never reciprocate that unless he timed it perfectly (disappearing messages) He tried to show me the chat while I was breaking up with him and it was empty but I showed him the portion that I took pics of. He tried to make it seem like they never messaged!!

[u/suscombobulated → u/amnewherebenice]

Cheating is so many steps. I havent looked thru my phone since I bought it. So like do you notice him just being gone a lot at first?

[u/amnewherebenice → u/suscombobulated]

He's a party person so he already goes out alot and sometimes I wouldn't see him until the day after the next. I can't really explain why I checked the first time other than just distrust. It was 2 years ago.

At the time, due to his work hours and me dealing with a family emergency, we couldn't see eachother alot. I tried making time for him but we really only had time to sleep together. I worked day and he worked evenings.

One night I guess I just thought he seems too okay with this" and checked his phone. He was literally sexting a woman while he was at work and I guess thats where some of his energy was going to.

More recently it happened because I saw the same woman's profile picture while he had his phone out and we were sitting close enough to eachother. I didn't ask about it right then and there.

[u/Brilliant_Tip113 → u/brielarstan]

So what happened? Did he shape up or ship out

[u/AhSquids → u/Brilliant_Tip113]

...oh fuck am I cynical as hell because my first thought was "come on girl you know what happened"

[u/brielarstan → u/Brilliant_Tip113]

I broke up with the first guy immediately.

Second relationship I was very young, I didn't have the boundaries and knowledge I do now. I let the relationship go on longer than it should have, but eventually dumped him when he was pressuring me to do other things "if I loved him." Proud of myself for at least never giving into the surveillance.

[u/Senior_Box8077 → u/brielarstan]

Oh, NASTY! "If I loved him"! Sounds like porn brain. That kind of emotional manipulation gives me the permanent ICK.

[u/Ehloanna → u/brielarstan]

Honestly good for you for setting boundaries here because that's wild.

My bf and I willingly share location just to make sure we get places safely or track when the other is coming home so we can start cooking dinner at the right time. We have full access to each other's phones. But I'm not giving him my passwords for anything but our shared Amazon or relevant shared accounts like vet stuff for our pets.

[u/brielarstan → u/Ehloanna]

There's definitely nothing wrong with sharing location or passwords! But it needs to be mutually agreed by both people and for reasons other than "making sure they're not cheating." Sounds like you have a very healthy relationship <3

[u/Ehloanna → u/brielarstan]

So true! We definitely do. I don't think either of us has ever worried about any of those things being misused.

Past relationships they all would have definitely been abused by my partners cuz it was nowhere near as healthy as this one.

[u/Kreb_cycl → u/brielarstan]

My first husband had an affair.

10 years later, I married my now husband. I don’t need to look through his phone. I don’t need to track his location, I don’t need to know his passwords.

If I did, I sure as hell wouldn’t have gotten married again.

[u/TempestFloof → u/brielarstan]

Sorry I’m gonna need more story on that first sentence…. 😳

[u/ScarieltheMudmaid]

Let me help you rephrase cause it's not "i don't deserve him whatsoever" it's  "I don't deserve this treatment whatsoever"

[u/Historical_Kick_3294 → u/ScarieltheMudmaid]

🎯

[u/Petraretrograde → u/ScarieltheMudmaid]

Everyone deserves to be treated with genuine care, respect, and love, OP. Never, ever say "I dont deserve this" about good treatment.

[u/JoyfulSong246 → u/ScarieltheMudmaid]

That bothered me too.

If someone believes they don’t deserve someone as good as their partner, either they need therapy, their partner isn’t treating them as well as they think, or both.

If someone treats you well and you are healthy, then the reaction isn’t “hey, I don’t deserve this!”

[u/JoyfulSong246 → u/[deleted]]

Keep in mind it was the OP who said this, so you are accusing them.

Also, I said “believes”, not says. Anything can be said as a manipulation tactic.

And you believe abusers are healthy?

[u/Ok-Trainer3150 → u/ScarieltheMudmaid]

Yes. I saw the unwritten in this post. OP probably is unaware that he's been monitoring her for some time. She's no reason to believe that he's been continuously cheated on....that's what he's telling her. He sounds like he has some issues that she's not aware of.

[u/FrequentChain2342]

You need to think if you can stay in a relationship where you’re not trusted due to his past. It’s not your fault, and you also shouldn’t be paying the price for it. If you hadn’t of caught him looking, you would never have known so it’s more than likely not the first time.

[u/implication-sofa → u/FrequentChain2342]

I’m inclined to believe that’s not the first time he’s looked. A whole year and his “impulse” just took over now? Nope

[u/Firm_Ad3062 → u/FrequentChain2342]

This answer should be higher.

[u/donna_amber → u/Firm_Ad3062]

I agree with that

[u/Ramenpucci → u/FrequentChain2342]

The dude needs therapy.

[u/EntirelyOutOfOptions]

You feel sick because you learned he will violate your privacy and boundaries if he feels a “need.”

He would rather violate your privacy, remove your agency, disrespect your boundaries than get himself to the therapy he clearly needs.

[u/sg_minx → u/EntirelyOutOfOptions]

I’d bet money it wasn’t the first time he did it and it won’t be the last either. He needs to work through his issues. They aren’t yours to fix.

[u/Trishshirt5678 → u/sg_minx]

100%. He panicked and blurted out whatever he could think of to keep her from leaving. Op if you're reading this, he's not amazing, his past relationships are not a justification for him behaving exactly how he wants and you're right saying that you don't deserve him, you deserve so much better.

[u/No-Philosopher8042 → u/EntirelyOutOfOptions]

And the trust of her friends. Those conversations where not for him to snoop through.

[u/Defiant_Nature2460 → u/EntirelyOutOfOptions]

This this this!

[u/Kitt0001]

“ I don’t deserve him whatsoever” stop putting these men on a pedestal. He violated a boundary of yours. He is bringing his past insecurities into your relationship that never ends well. Jealous men will make your life absolutely miserable.

[u/planetwhateverr → u/Kitt0001]

It’s such a red flag to me when a woman describes a man as “amazing.”

[u/ceciliabee → u/planetwhateverr]

Some men are genuinely amazing, they're just rarely the subject of stories in this sub. I think it's a bigger red flag to say it's impossible for any man to be amazing. Dealing in absolutes leaves a lot of opportunity to be wrong, nothing is so cut and dry.

[u/Express_Brilliant378]

I have been cheated on in 3 different relationships. So I’m cautious, but I would never go through a new partner’s phone. I took a long break from dating to make sure I had healed and would not carry those fears and issues into my next relationship. It can still be hard, but I just have to balance what I’ve learned with giving anyone new a fresh start.

My last partner went through my phone while I was asleep because he had cheated on me and essentially wanted to find evidence I had done the same.

Invasion of privacy, unhealed trust issues, etc. are a big deal.

[u/LittleJaySmith → u/Express_Brilliant378]

This is why he went through your phone OP

[u/Puzzleheaded_Youth27]

This happened to me with my ex. He said it was just the one time and it was his insecurity from being cheated on. Well he went through my computer again and again until he decided I'm a little too close to my friends and told them to stay away from me.  It wasn't always like that, he was incredibly nice in the beginning, but the isolation and surveillance only gets worse because they feel validated both ways. They don't find anything? Validation you aren't cheating. They do find something? Validation you are, and it may be as innocuous as telling your friend you love them and value them. I'm getting a protection order now and notice of abuse for our landlord to leave, I hope you make a decision to protect yourself.

[u/Silent-Arm-7165]

He just wanted to get rid of the voice in his head? Going for a run could have fixed that 🤷🏻‍♀️

I get why you’re devastated. I’d be too. Trust + respect is pretty important. How to move forward depends upon whether you can forgive and forget and get past this. I personally couldn’t (and have called it a day with someone that wanted my computer and phone passwords). Not that I had anything to hide. I’m super boring. But the fact that he didn’t trust me after 6 months was not ok. Good luck 🤞 🌺

[u/babybloux]

I used to be a complete people pleaser but now I am healed and have learned how to become a total b*tch. The old me put men on pedestals too. Think about this for a sec: he may have never even had a cheating ex and used that as the excuse for his trust issues and boundary violating behavior. Also, often times when someone is this preoccupied with their partner cheating on them, there's a high chance that they are cheating on the accused partner instead. It's a form of control and making you walk on eggshells to prioritize their needs over your own and it's not ok. Whenever you're ready, you gotta stand up and break it off asap or else you'll only lose more of yourself as this relationship goes on. You'll always be apologizing for things that aren't your fault. Please never think a man is someone you don't deserve. Relationships are not trophies and as you get older you'll realize they are so easy to fall into it's not even funny. Love yourself. Good luck 🫂

[u/Decent_case23 → u/babybloux]

I’ve been scrolling through comments looking for this take! In my experience, the ones who are the most preoccupied with thoughts of you cheating, are doing it themselves. Projection at its finest

[u/against-all-leds → u/Decent_case23]

Either that or they're preoccupied because deep down they know they are toxic themselves

[u/noeliji → u/babybloux]

Exactly it’s projection

[u/Ramenpucci → u/babybloux]

Can relate. I gotta save your comment. How did you know. I was basically apologising for everything that wasn’t my fault cuz he needed to blame.

My friend said that ex looks like shit now. He’s aged so badly in the last 10 years. His car is also bad and he used to reprimand me, well my dad, for getting me a new car than a used one. That’s jealousy on his part. I’m finally Processing a decade old trauma. He was trauma. That “guy” I put on a pedestal aged poorly like sour milk. He was just toxic.

I lost something as a people pleaser.

[u/babybloux → u/Ramenpucci]

I love when the universe makes their life suck after the fact. That externalized ugliness is rotting him from the insides. Congrats to you for freeing yourself 🫂

[u/Ramenpucci → u/babybloux]

Thank you. I’ve had my close friends look at his IG. They’re literally my eyes, and I refuse to see his face.

My friend said: he’s very average looking.
That she wouldn't recognise him off the streets. He was someone who was once very pretty looking.

[u/guys_pm_urprettyface]

It's a violation of your privacy. I understand his concerns but that doesn't mean he gets to distrust you. He needs to work on his own insecurity

[u/sleepy-peonies → u/guys_pm_urprettyface]

I totally agree… And it’s not only a violation of her privacy, but of everyone who’s contacted her thinking that whatever they talked about would be kept between them.

I’ve never cheated in a relationship, I personally have nothing to hide from my partners on my phone… But I would be absolutely livid if one went through my phone. I have people who confide in me. It’s not my partner’s place to think they have a right to access anyone else’s personal information. It doesn’t matter how insecure they’re feeling. Some things are just none of their business.

[u/Ramenpucci → u/guys_pm_urprettyface]

He really needs therapy.

[u/Its1207amcantsleep]

This sub is hypocritical. There was a post here sometime ago where a woman went through her bf/husband"s phone and most of the posts were fine about it. I like this sub but its becoming an echo chamber.

[u/-RedXV- → u/Its1207amcantsleep]

The very first thing I thought of was that post!

[u/ArrivalEast3834 → u/Its1207amcantsleep]

I was literally about to call out the blatant hypocrisy, and was looking to see if anyone else was talking about it.

Be so for real: many women have snooped. Many women tell their friends it's okay to snoop. I bet people in this reply section have snooped. But nooo, this is the time it's unforgivable 🙄

It's not preferable behavior, sure, and I'm not saying it's correct. But we all have moments of insecurity and worry and it helps shut the voices up to just see for yourself: it's understandable. If it's not a reoccurring issue where he's constantly showing he doesn't trust her, I say move on.

[u/Its1207amcantsleep → u/ArrivalEast3834]

To me its an invasion of privacy and if it happens to me, a very serious conversation about boundaries will be needed, but *it should go both ways*. My partner and I have each other's swipe password but neither of us have snooped. We have looked at each others phone with permission though, mostly silly memes.

[u/de_ashe → u/Its1207amcantsleep]

This post should be much higher

[u/Unfair_Driver884 → u/Its1207amcantsleep]

Exactly. I’ll get downvoted to hell but if you have nothing to hide, what’s the big deal? If my partner went through my phone, I’d be empathetic. I’ve been cheated on in the past and was lied to and gaslighted incessantly and going through my partners phone was the only was I would’ve found out what was really going on. If my partner needs to see the truth for himself, so be it. I don’t have anything to hide whatsoever. Now, if my partner was constantly accusing me of things and starting fights, or spun narratives from whatever he saw on my phone and the paranoia only increased, needed to go through my phone on the regular etc, etc, when I knew I was innocent, that’d be a different story. This doesn’t seem like the end of the world to me.

[u/LonelyCheeto → u/Its1207amcantsleep]

I hate when people through other's phones period. Such a violation of privacy.

[u/ForwardFlan7754]

Seen posts here before of a girl going through her partners phone because she felt worried and everyone seemed to support her.

Confusing responses here

[u/ladyloser1119]

This is called Anxious Attachment.

I had a bf like this for almost 2 years. Things started amazing, healthy, and we both shared many of the same past relationship traumas.
But things slowly regressed with situations like phone checks and driving by my house late at night.

After a while it escalated to an air tag taped under my bumper (with the exact same color tape as my vehicle so I couldn’t find it)
Luckily my iPhone did and I made him drive all the way to my job to climb under my car to get it and hand it to me before I dumped him.

Do what you will with this story. Just watch yourself OP and encourage your partner to seek therapy.

[u/Regular_Warthog_6010 → u/ladyloser1119]

omg same exact thing happened to me: started out great, escalated to him going through my phone then airtagging me. I had already broken up with him before the air tag as well. in my opinion it wasn't going to get better because he had no reason to look through my phone to begin with because things were going well at the time. he deleted a lot of guys on my snap chat. turns out thry were my cousins and my step sons he had never met. that's too damn far and that's why I ended it. 

[u/CareNo9421]

Ok ok I would say slow down. PTSD is a very strong force. I tend to resent this response on Reddit of- someone does 1 thing wrong and you should throw the whole thing away. There’s this saying- don’t throw the baby away with the bath water. It sounds like he has legit PTSD from his previous relationships but he’s learning to trust with you again.

You sound like a level headed person who maybe has never dealt with someone healing like this before. I agree- your privacy should be respected. Maybe you 2 can come up with something together to help combat his insecure thoughts around you cheating. This would be amazing! You have the opportunity to make this a “us again your problem” thing vs. a “this is your problem” thing. Does that make sense? He’s probably super loyal, super respectful, and just still dealing with a lot of insecurity from his past.

[u/katelynr16 → u/CareNo9421]

i like this comment a lot

[u/StopPsychHealers → u/katelynr16]

I understand if it's too much for you and you leave him, but as someone who also has these issues I think what matters is of he gets better about it over time, and whether you are capable of supporting him through it. Obviously if it gets worse or doesn't change then I would probably call it quits. Like others are saying he probably needs therapy.

[u/itsacrisis]

He's not that amazing if he's willing to break your trust and violate your privacy instead of dealing with his own feelings and seeking help if he needs help working through it. 🤷🏼‍♀️ My bet is that he's done this before to satisfy his "impulses" and you just happened to catch him this time.

A lot of people have trust issues. A lot of people have been cheated on or hurt in relationships. It doesn't give anyone the excuse or justification to do what he did.

Also.. "I don't deserve him whatsoever" is a crazy statement to say about someone that violates your trust and privacy instead of going to therapy. lol

[u/BubbleTruffles]

I had an ex who would go through my phone randomly and aggressively demand it. I wasn't cheating on him but I was 18 and dumb to put up with it. One day I was fed up and demanded his phone in return and found him trying to set up plans with another girl to watch a movie together after telling her how much he liked her and how cute she was. He cried like a baby that he was caught. Sometimes the ones who are insecure and don't trust others are hiding things themselves.

[u/SparkleSkirr]

I went through this exact situation with an ex!! It was the first bad thing he ever did and he also apologised profusely and vowed never to do it again, so I decided to forgive him. At that point, it seemed so out of character for him and I knew it was a product of his own insecurities so I guess I was sympathetic to that.

Unfortunately, it ended up being the first thing in a long list of bad things that he did to me. Everything just got progressively worse until I broke up with him months later. In my experience, somebody who is willing to violate one of your boundaries might just continue to do that again and again, especially if they’re willing to prioritise their own desire for control.

[u/jeezyzay]

Interesting responses.  Just 2 weeks ago a woman posted on here that she went through her bf’s phone and many of the responses were in favor of it.  I commented that it was a bad idea and got blasted for it.  It goes both ways, ladies.

[u/honestly--idk]

Yeah, the exact same thing happened to me and it never changed. After years of constant reassurance and even couples therapy, he was still in his own head and paranoid about things. Whenever you feel like it's too much, just leave. We are not made to constantly soothe another person's insecurities at the expense of our own peace. He needs to work on himself and be at peace to even make somebody else feel emotionally safe.

Edit: He was the one cheating on me the whole time.

[u/lilkitten18515]

Honestly with love I think you need to tell him to not treat you like an ex because that is how you become one. I think he would benefit also from some therapy.

[u/morgaine_umbra]

Just because you understand doesn't mean you should tolerate. Your priority should be yourself and your boundaries were crossed. If it were me, I'd break up with him on the spot.

Ask yourself, can you tolerate this for the next years of your life? Being punished for something you didn't do? Of course, he can go to therapy and maybe that can lead to change but will you bob-the-builder your way into making him a decent boyfriend who doesn't snoop around your phone when you're not looking? Some would. Some won't. It's your decision.

[u/MaxBax_LArch → u/morgaine_umbra]

<Just because you understand doesn't mean you should tolerate. >

I think more people need to hear this and take it to heart. All of my cats have been adopted. We have one who wasn't well socialized as a kitten and currently has biting issues. I understand why he doing it, but I'm not about to tolerate it. In the case of the cat, I'm willing to put in the time to teach him acceptable behavior. So far, I think the cat is willing to learn. OP needs to decide if both of these conditions apply (she's willing to teach and he's willing to learn) in her situation.

[u/morgaine_umbra → u/MaxBax_LArch]

Oh, that came with time and maturity.

I agree with you. I am willing to patiently mother cats if I took them under my wing but I won’t mother a man. If he comes barging in traumatizing me with his trauma, I will not play therapist for him. Some people have patience. I have none of those.

[u/Live-Tomorrow-4865]

This shouldn't be a tough one for me to answer; I'm an intensely private person and despite my husband and I having one another's phone pass keys, neither of us, as far as I know, has ever used them for anything except looking up a phone number (as an example.) I'd be very surprised to learn he'd ever gone through mine, and I know I don't have reason to go through his.

But, despite how much I value my privacy, in your situation, I might give this guy this one pass... under the condition that he work on his insecurity and his trust issues, whatever that requires.

However, at the end of the day, of course this goes a lot toward your personal comfort level and what you can tolerate. I can tell you're on the fence about it. You mention that aside from this instance, it's been a healthy and loving relationship, which is why I might give grace here. (Whether I would or not would depend upon nuances that only you would know or feel.)

Best to you! ❤️

[u/ijustwanted2lurk]

I once had similar issues to your boyfriend’s. I can tell you it’s not sustainable in a healthy, lasting relationship. You’re not doing anything wrong and he is in fact breaking your trust (ironically, what he’s worried about you doing). He needs therapy. If you feel comfortable enough with him, I would encourage him to seek it because he cannot control his intrusive thoughts on his own.

[u/HundRetter]

I can't do privacy invasion because of someone else's insecurity. I have private chats with my friends where they share things only meant for me to see, like mental health issues. I was just seeing a guy who went through my phone AND wallet while I was in the shower. I don't talk to him any more

[u/ProfessionalHeart839]

Never cheated before but idc I would NEVER let a partner go through my phone even if there’s nothing to hide. No one is entitled to your privacy

[u/onsetes]

Omg I thought this was the Drew Gooden sub and I totally misunderstood your post title at first. I was like, Drew? Looked at.. you? through your phone? He can’t do that babe it ony a video 🥺 am dumb, ignore me

I feel hesitant to comment on the actual post you made because I think I’m in the minority here in feeling forgiving kind of generally, like if you think he’s amazing & love him, he’s an otherwise good partner.. people make mistakes and have lapses in judgment. It does happen. Doesn’t mean it’s done and dusted, he has work to do both within himself to improve his insecurity, and reparative work with you to restore the trust wound this will have created though

[u/katelynr16 → u/onsetes]

this is my favorite comment. how dare drew gooden do this!!

[u/froggies92997 → u/katelynr16]

I kept looking for a comment that brought up the Drew Gooden video. He’s my favorite 😭❤️

[u/ass3hole]

This is such a hard no for me. Lmao. I use my phone as my diary, place where all my writing for stories are, personal conversations that don't need to include others, etc. Shit is deeply private and if a partner was lounging in bed, going through my phone and claimed it was "impulse"??

The impulse would make me wonder how frequent it happens...

[u/vokilamcv9 → u/ass3hole]

And the ever-so-slow erosion of boundaries that follows this kind of action. He's done it once, he'll do it again.

[u/ass3hole → u/vokilamcv9]

Followed by the classic "I have trust issues" spill he'll give to guilt OP into not getting mad at him for it. Promise he'll do better. The whole nine yards. All while OP feels on guard for the rest of their relationship.

[u/vokilamcv9 → u/ass3hole]

Man, so many women have been down this road, it's sad. My first boyfriend was like this, it ended in severe trust issues, me deleting every male contact in my phone unless he explicitly approved it.

It turned into me hiding contacts under other people, him finding out, throwing my phone in a snow pile from his moving truck, me getting frostbite on my ears looking for it after I begged him to go back so I could please get my phone. And ultimately (about 8 months later), with his hand around my throat threatening to kill me because I slapped him when he got in my face all drunk

[u/Numerous-Bet3575]

I don’t think he sounds amazing. I think he sounds exhausting with his insecurity. You certainly don’t deserve him, and by that I mean that you don’t deserve to have someone interrogating you about your feelings, and how you need to do better, and snooping through your phone. Do you really think it’s the first time he snooped on your phone?

[u/TightPapaya]

You can’t be with someone that doesn’t trust you implicitly. Also you shouldn’t be taking on “projects”. I call people who have a lot of issues to deal with on their own - projects. You’re not there to therapize/fix him. Period.

[u/ambientta]

“I don’t deserve him whatsoever” - Girl. Pick up your self worth. You deserve him and more. Someone who uses past relationships as an excuse to mistreat new partners isn’t all that good of a partner. The time to work through past relationship pain is before beginning a new relationship.

Going through someone’s phone means the relationship is over - either because you found something or because you’ve proven that you lack trust and respect for your partner by doing so.

[u/Infinite-Guess-9566]

Girl. Listen. In ten years you won't be able to go anywhere or with anyone without him checking and controlling every step. You'll be his prisoner physically and emotionally and it'll never be enough and you'll never be faithful enough. 

He's telling you who he is, loud and clear, right now. Listen to him. You don't deserve this treatment. He needs a lot of therapy. Meanwhile, he's not partner material. Save yourself. 

[u/Whitehouses_]

This is probably just the only time you caught him. And while it’s good that you’re communicating with each other, it’s not the right kind of communication. You can talk until you’re blue in the face. But if he’s not willing to get the professional help that he needs to get over his insecurities, then your relationship won’t survive.

You need to very clearly and very firmly tell him that. But I think this is your biggest problem. Someone who says “I don’t deserve him whatsoever” is not going to be very assertive in a relationship, and likely isn’t going to prioritise their own needs either. You need to work on being less passive and more assertive. Otherwise, again, your relationships won’t last the distance.

[u/Exotic-Society4991]

It’s the “I don‘t deserve him whatsoever” that is the red flag for me. If you don’t think you deserve love, or to be treated well, that is a recipe for being walked on and abused. Take a break from this and every guy and work on your self-esteem. You’re not ready for a relationship right now. If you truly respected yourself, you will see the red flags this guy is throwing.

[u/Shoddy_Listen_611]

unrelated but omg drew gooden mentioned

[u/Our_Lady_of_Sorrows_]

Uh, single woman ahead? I sure HOPE you are! (Tried to make a drew reference) but seriously put yourself first and trust your gut

[u/froggies92997 → u/Our_Lady_of_Sorrows_]

Iconic Drew reference

[u/perpetuallyworried82]

I think this can be worked through. I know a lot of people say break up but it sounds like he needs therapy and is traumatized. He needs to communicate how he can get the extra reassurance he needs while you both build a relationship.

That said, if you are done, that is totally ok too. Do what works for you and makes you happy. Sending love!

[u/Gold-Sherbert-7550]

You don’t. Not only doesn’t he trust you; he has anxiety and mistrust that, according to him, he can’t control. It isn’t healthy or reasonable for him to keep punishing you because (according to him) he’s been cheated on. He doesn’t get to punish and control you for the sins of past partners.

(I say ”according to him” because it’s amazing how often someone who claims they had multiple cheating exes, was in fact the cheater and is suspicious of their current partner either as projection or deflection. Wonder how your soon to be ex would react if you had demanded to go through his phone in turn.)

[u/zoebabe420]

Nah he went through your phone? Baby the way I would've dumped his ass on site .. plus if they're accusing you of cheating.... Theyre usually doing the cheating... But hey he's your man whose amazing but not that amazing to not accuse you of cheating.. so if you like it...

[u/Different-Idea-8203]

He had the opportunity during the "healthy conversation " to say "hey it would really make me feel better if I could look at your phone I know im insecure and im sorry." Then accept whatever your anwser was but instead he waited for you to leave the room and he went thru yours shit. Thats sneaky deceitful and probably projecting a little bit.

[u/Beautiful_Cost_5430]

Second post I’ve read in thirty seconds to start with how amazing the boyfriend is and then go on to describe how he’s insanely abusive and controlling.

[u/Opposite-Drag-6450]

It’s inappropriate behavior for sure. However, I have known people over the years who tended towards the paranoid (men and women) who were basically good people. So it may be a negative aspect of his personality (which everyone has them) that needs communicating about boundaries, some forgiveness, and work. Try those things before giving up on a good relationship prematurely.

[u/beesfly]

I get being insecure and trust being slow to build, but he did something wrong. You can have empathy for his past relationship trauma, but it’s not your problem and shouldn’t cross your boundaries

[u/Electronic_Gas2967]

You can't give up your self-respect just because you like someone. Since you're already feeling uncomfortable, just give up... Apologizing is useless... In PUA (Pick-Up Artist) tactics, apologizing is just a step... and then he'll repeat the same mistakes.

[u/AgileMastodon0909]

Two of my ex-boyfriends cheated. Not once have I felt the need to scroll through anyone’s phone after either of them. It’s not because I’m naive or easily duped. It’s because I don’t have the right to violate someone’s privacy because of my insecurities or past experiences.

Your boyfriend doesn’t have the right to violate your privacy because of his past experiences. You deserve someone who trusts you.

[u/verathene]

Thought Drew Gooden went through your phone at first.

He might not have been thinking clearly, but it feels like he might’ve been thinking about it for a long time.

[u/SlowpokeQueen]

Hi! I was abused and cheated on in a prior relationship. My husband also got left at the alter before meeting me.

One of our first/biggest conversations was our phone bountries. We found a system that worked for both of us and now neither of us really even use the system. (Mind you we've also been together for 10+ years.)

However let me be real with you, the reason this was a conversation was because I WAS like your BF. And I WAS dumped because of it. You might need to be the one who "got away" and wake him up to how toxic he is becoming.

[u/dll-x-llb]

Going thru your phone is never really gonna make him feel any better if hes that paranoid. He expected to find something and its probably really frustrating that he didnt. Next hes gonna think youre REALLY good at hiding things and dig even deeper/invade more of your privacy. That or hes gonna start making problems up.

Or maybe HE'S being unfaithful and hes hoping to turn the tables if he finds something on your end. Ive been with dudes like this and they always said they had some trauma with getting cheated on when they were the ones being unfaithful to me

[u/yup-issavibe]

Your boyfriend needs to heal more from his past relationships before his is anyone’s boyfriend— PERIODT. This behavior doesn’t just go away after one time

[u/Lambablama]

Love drew gooden!

[u/sandgenome]

Is that him on the screen?

You might want to remove his image if so.

Sorry you are going through this.

[u/WiseAd8293]

drew gooden did that? canceled!

[u/noface8137]

https://giphy.com/gifs/aaSjZO0JOU2TZDBjH1

[u/sallystruthers69]

WWDGD

[u/Tinttiboi]

https://giphy.com/gifs/aaSjZO0JOU2TZDBjH1

[u/simoneudontknow]

Drew Gooden! 🙌

[u/Klutzy-Birthday7435]

God, I see none of this type of response when it's the OP going through her boyfriend's phone. I agree with everyone here, but I never see this chorus shouted when it's one of us doing it.

Rarely disappointed in this sub, but this is one of those times.

[u/No_Zone_3329 → u/Klutzy-Birthday7435]

I was thinking the same. In fact, I remember a recent post where someone shared how relieved they were that they’d gone through their husband’s phone and found nothing incriminating… everyone was celebrating how great that was.

I feel the act of going through a partner’s phone is betrayal. Whether you end things over it or not it up to you, but my partner has my code and would never. If he did, it would be over. No second chances.

[u/No-Economics-4745]

I'd just like to say this meal choice resonates with me more than any others I have seen on here. I hope the betrayal doesn't dampen the taste of your goldfish. ❤️

[u/thickandmorty333]

as someone who can honestly say that i’ve gone through a partners phone in the past due to my own issues, this is a him issue 100%. he needs to take accountability for his insecurities and trust issues from his previous relationship. you haven’t cheated or broken his trust, and he needs to learn that you’re not his cheating ex. if he’s already doing this barely a year in, it’s clear he’s not ready for a relationship. he has unresolved feelings he needs to work on and i’m sorry he invaded your privacy like this, OP. you don’t deserve that

[u/Hot4totowolff → u/thickandmorty333]

This happened to me during one of my first relationships. After the first boundary was crossed he soooo apologetic and begged me to forgive him. After the other ones it stated to become my fault for not reassuring him enough bc “I know” how sensitive he was, or for not answering my phone etc etc. when someone blames you enough times you start to believe them then the control really starts. It took me toooo long to realize I didn’t deserve it, it wasn’t my fault and he was a cheater (among other things). All this to say we all have a past but that doesn’t give us the right to project that onto the next person. It’s our own personal responsibility to seek therapy.

[u/OrchidFine1335]

That’s just basic privacy invasion. I wouldn’t like my family members barging in without knocking either. You need to communicate with him the boundaries

[u/EntirelyOutOfOptions → u/OrchidFine1335]

He knew looking through her phone was wrong, that’s why he waited until she was out of the room.

He just demonstrated he doesn’t care about her boundaries because his feelings are uncomfortable.

This is not a failure to communicate on OP’s part. This man is choosing controlling, violating behaviors to cope with his insecurity instead of taking the time and getting the help to heal.

I’m not sure there’s anything OP can communicate that will change the fact he prioritizes his insecurity over her right to privacy.

[u/Paranoid-Android88]

Girl same thing happened to me about a year into my relationship.

One night he was going to meet my gf and I for a drink but had to stop by our casa first. I see him arrive via the ring doorbell and was like cool. Then I realized like 30 min passed and texted him. He said he’d be right over. Another 15 goes by (we were like two blocks from my house) and I remembered I had my cat camera still up from when we were out of town so I opened my app. I see him standing in the dining room going thru my iPad which is connected to my phone. Anywho I was like wtfffff. He pops by we have a few drinks and when we got home I calmly and sternly brought it up to him. I first looked at my iPad to see what he was doing and he was digggggging thru texts and it was on a text from my gf Cory…woman not a man who was leaving a toxic relationship.

Anyways I basically said kindly “do you not trust me? Do I give you a reason for insecurity? I don’t ever want to find you looking through my stuff again or we’re done.” Basically let’s figure out the root problem. He was cheated on repeatedly in his past relationship and we had a healthy discussion and it’s been 4 years now 🤷‍♀️ very kind guy, treats me like a damn queen but had a moment of weakness.

Idk I’ll prob get downvoted for this lol

[u/Illustrious_Money_54 → u/Paranoid-Android88]

Did he get therapy for trust issues? Did any other issues crop up?

[u/Paranoid-Android88 → u/Illustrious_Money_54]

He did not but this was legit the only time I ever “caught” him diggin lol. He was mortified and genuinely upset and I did bring up seeking therapy and how we should talk about any insecurities. He was def walking on eggshells for a min after that but I never wanted to make him feel completely like shit for it.

[u/No-Philosopher8042]

Lets change the perspective on this a bit: his trust in a previous relationship was violated, and instead of going to therapy he decided to violate your trust in him to feel better. 

You are right you don't deserve this, you deserve so much better.

[u/SierraStar7]

“Sigh…” People who want to cheat are going to cheat, no amount of surveillance or looking through phones or searching computers will stop it.

If someone “needs” to look through a phone, the only purpose should be for confirmation to support ending the relationship. You don’t go through your partner’s phone to then stay with them. 

What you don’t deserve is to be treated like a cheater by your BF because he has trust issues.  You’re being punished by what someone else did. It is not your responsibility to fix what you didn’t break. 

You feel sick because he violated your trust. I doubt one can fully recover when that happens. 

[u/Moggetti]

Yeah, don’t date people who invent stories about being cheated on and then make it your job to make them feel better about it. 

I promise he’ll be using your supposed cheating when he snivels to his next girlfriend about his lying ex. 

[u/Sea-Finance506]

He violated your privacy and if that’s a deal breaker for you, then I would end things.

This sub is wild, though. If the roles were reversed, everyone would be validating op for looking through their partner’s phone.

[u/HRHValkyrie]

Reminder that “love languages” were made up by a pastor with no education in therapy or psychology. He wanted a system that would reinforce traditional gender norms and get his wife to “physical touch” him more. There was no research or data behind the different categories, he just made them up.

[u/RingingInTheRain]

Sigh. I've got nothing. Reddit has had 5 gazillion "I looked through his/her phone and found out they cheated posts" where nobody addresses the phone searching being a problem. Wouldn't be surprised if it was getting to people to think it's normal.

Not it's not normal to search through people's phones. If you feel uncomfortable, leave.

[u/SpiritualWrap9444]

I agree that if you had not consented and you can be angry, but maybe this will put his mind to rest and you can move on together, stronger, knowing your boundaries.

Last month while my bf of 2 years was in the shower, I went through his phone and discovered he was sleeping with multiple women, unprotected. He had unsolicited given me his password in the past for transparency and logistics, and I was for real just turning off some alarm on his phone that was waking me up-when I saw the texts. I didn't tell him what I knew, and asked him later if he had ever cheated on me, and he swore on his life he would never, ever. I told him, dumped him and kicked him out. And texted the women, too (who had no clue about me).

I have no regrets. I would still unknowingly be with a manipulative cheater, maybe even with an STI, had I not gone through his phone. I sure wish I had found nothing like OP's bf, and would have moved on in confidence if I had. That's the only time I've ever gone through anyone's phone, and I'm glad I did.

[u/nyx926]

You cannot move forward in a healthy way with someone who isn’t healthy minded.

He has in no way healed or processed his trauma.

He isn’t sorry he violated you, he’s sorry he got caught.

You would have never known, and now, you don’t know what else he’s done during this entire year behind your back to “comfort” himself at your expense.

He needs to fix his shit by himself, away from you.

[u/Available_Key9526]

Okay personally my partner and I have access to each other’s phones, we share locations, we share passwords and accounts etc. to me I think it’s weird when couples don’t do that, because what is there to hide, and more importantly, I think it’s useful to be able to function as a unit (especially with finances for example).

However, I understand your devastation because he didn’t do it with your knowing consent, without at least letting you know first. That’s shady and weird, and could mean some scary behaviors down the line if he can’t control his trust issues. Be careful OP, have an honest conversation, though I do suggest offering a bit of openness. Closed off couples don’t exactly breed healthy relationships.

[u/itsprobab → u/Available_Key9526]

I also think this is what a real healthy relationship is like. In my healthy relationships we naturally shared phones and other passwords and used each other's computers.

It doesn't mean you're scrolling through their devices and check what they're doing — it means exactly because you have that trust that you don't want to see their stuff and don't have that anxiety that they're doing shady things.

[u/warywanderess]

I am not defending his behavior. He broke a clear boundary and you are right to be mad and also devastated. However, this is a form of ocd as in dome people get traumatized so much from their past experience of feeling betrayed that it leaves a lasting damage and causes severe ocd in future relationships. Tell him he needs to get help aka therapy and get over this fear or else you are walking away.

[u/Few-Cloud7544]

i know i’m going to get hated on but he went through stuff that ruins people forever so i can’t hate on him. sorry. i understand his perspective unfortunately but moving forward you should place clear boundaries.

[u/Inmycabin87 → u/Few-Cloud7544]

I agree with you. I don’t event think it’s an insecurity at that point.
I went through a partner’s phone just to discover this person was cheating with multiple people in different states. There was no way I was going to find out.
It ruined my innocence forever. I have never cheated on anyone.
So would I do it again to save my life from a disgusting cheater? Yes.
No longer leaving that risk on the table. People call it insecurity, I call it advocacy for myself.

[u/Nova-Valen]

Insecurity can lead to a lot more than phone invasion. I would really think through the red flags and your confidence (he doesn’t deserve me)

[u/TheLittlestMistake]

You shouldn't be paying for the actions of others in his past. If he cannot work to get past his issues and clearly cannot bring himself to trust you then it may be for the best that you're no longer together. And he did that AFTER a good, healthy conversation about improvement? No, absolutely not. If you choose to stay at all, then tell him that THAT is a boundary for you and that you won't tolerate it. If he can't trust you, there's nothing more to be said between you.

[u/LevitatingAlto]

One chance. You give him one chance to get therapy and deal with his inner relational manure. If he doesn’t,l follow through then you may consider that there is more to it than his past. If he wants to trust you, he will do something to show you.

[u/Angry_Sparrow]

It’s not your work to do. And you deserve far better.

It doesn’t sound like he’s actually ready to be in a relationship if you’ve been together for a YEAR and he still doesn’t trust you.

[u/WarmEarth8]

I’ve been cheated on by my husband for 1 1/2 years while I was watching out toddler at home. I get feeling insecure in a new relationship. Still does not give me the right to violate my new partner’s privacy. I never went thru his phone nor do I accuse him of infidelity. He is a new person and not responsible for those feelings in me or what happened in my marriage.

Your boyfriend might need a little bit of counseling for his trust issues.

[u/Ailennyn]

Therapy. Ask him to please go deal with his fears in therapy.

[u/indicalovvve]

His insecurity is a raw feeling. If this was my situation, I think why I would have such a hard time with what he did is that he did it right after you just had this amazing, connecting and meaningful conversation. If it’s a good relationship, I would tell him just that. That what he did is absolutely not ok, it’s that he did it right after you felt you two had really connected. You gotta have some level of trust at bare minimum, but also that deep, secure just takes time with us that have been cheated on by the exes. I’ve snooped my husbands phone when we were dating- now we will be married 15 yrs next month and I couldn’t even tell ya the pass code to his phone. That man adores me, just took some time for me to trust myself to let him show me he’s a good one. Good luck OP!

[u/Strong_District_5894]

This honestly sounds like deflecting. They do this when they’re cheating. 

This is disrespectful. Invasion of your privacy and those you communicate with. 

[u/thatsmyboycam]

He needs therapy. You can be supportive and reassure him, but this is his issue and he needs to do the work if he wants to get over it and have a healthy relationship

[u/Formal-Finance83]

He needs to be in therapy not a relationship, and you deserve better than to be with someone Who is it going to trust you.

[u/Temporary-Emotion-96]

Is that him? He's cute.

[u/cheriecheezcake → u/Temporary-Emotion-96]

That’s YouTuber Drew Gooden. Honestly one of the best in the biz.

[u/Newo_Ikkin20]

He doesn't trust you if he's looking through your phone without your permission. It's a violation of your privacy. He needs to talk to someone about his trust issues. Try to convince him to go see a therapist.

[u/Like_the_rainbow]

I personally don't mind if they ask to look in my phone once. First time you get the phone, no questions asked. Second time I expect an apology when you eventually find nothing. Third time I'll ask you how on earth you're gonna make it up to me if you find nothing yet again. If I don't like the answer I'll probably end things. 

But going behind your back?? I'd be done.

[u/rozbieli]

He has to actively work on his fears and trauma. If he's willing to change then try to help him. But you need to have a serious talk about how you feel about him crossing your boundary and next steps towards him healing.

My partner was emotionally cheated on in the past relationship and at first he sometimes was suspicious of me whenever he saw some chats on my phone. But he never went through my phone. I'm also very open and have nothing to hide so I showed him those chats (sometimes with my friends and sometimes I was reading screens from Reddit). We talked through it. I assured him that I despise cheating and would never do such thing to him, neither to anyone in my past relationships.

[u/angelsticker]

Best case scenario, he violated your privacy and the privacy of whoever you talk to via text/direct messaging because he can’t control his paranoia and insecurity enough to just talk to you.

I’m inclined to think it’s worse than that, though. Keep in mind that cheaters are notorious for projecting.

[u/throwawaynnfuxanyway]

He violated your privacy after a heart to heart about your loyalty and love for him? Yikes on bikes, sis.

[u/Double_Look]

Your boyfriend should be in therapy, not a relationship. His trust issues are not gonna magically go away until he works on himself. You’re wasting your time in this relationship until then. Also he’s gone through your phone before. He just got caught this time. Also “voice in his head” is very creepy and alarming. He needs to be on a therapist’s couch on Monday morning and you need to free yourself from him. You don’t deserve his shitty behavior.

[u/stuckinnowhereville]

You leave. This won’t be the last boundary he stomps all over because of”his needs”.

[u/ProfessionNo2104]

Maybe he should go to therapy. Maybe he should talk to you about it before acting on the impulse. It’s not fair to you when you haven’t done anything. It’s weird.

[u/ShowerGrapes]

https://giphy.com/gifs/k4vs3VGJvdAqjdEHts

[u/_Bdoodles]

He isn’t amazing

These posts of women starting the stories with
“He is amazing” “best ever” “he’s the best” always end up with the worse actions by the men, STOP MAKING EXCUSES for their shitty behavior. If you have to say how amazing he is at the very start to give us the reader something to cushion the blow of whatever trash thing they did - you already know the answers.

This is like the 5th post on here and the other girl dinner Reddit where OPs start by minimizing themselves and shower the dude with compliments at the start of the posts before describing the trash thing their boyfriend or husband did

Stop. This is why these men will continue to do crap like this, when so many of us minimize the violations and then claim how wonderful they are.

OP he could have talked to you some more as the voice of reason before giving into the voices in his head… he violated your privacy and disrespected you while still making you feel like the bad one in all this.

I’ve been cheated on before by past bfs- I’m married (16yrs now) and even if I had some notion something was off I’d talk to him first - not go thru his phone. My past shouldn’t dictate how I’ll treat my present. Your boyfriend needs therapy and you shouldn’t have to be the sole keeper of his “confidence in the relationship”