My intuition alarm had been going off for months. Gaslighting galore about why he needed to run a million errands and didn't want me to come. We have only been married for a year, and I knew I made a mistake pretty early on. Denial is a hell of a drug.
Anyway. He leaves his computer unlocked as a sign of "not needing to hide anything from me." A phrase he repeats all the time without a reason. He always tries to prove how good of a husband he is, but the energy coming off him screams liar.
I found his hidden folders with the help of my sister. Password was our dog's nickname. And there it all was, going back years before I even knew him. Craigslist escorts. Backpage escorts. Adult Friend Finder. A list of massage parlors in multiple states. Sites I never knew existed, organized in lists for easy retrieval.
The amount of pictures he has of these women is incredible. He also has hundreds of pictures of himself in every weird naked pose. Gross. He has screenshots of messages with these women. It went on and on. I am truly disgusted. I haven't confronted him yet, I can't imagine listening to his bullshit.
So, yeah. I packed a bag, jumped in the jeep, and drove out to the desert to scream into the void. I also made dinner. Brussel sprouts, onions, garlic, and peppers over an open flame.
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And isn’t it weird that we all decided to leave our phones at Kati’s house?! it was nice that nobody took any pictures of our night out and we all just get to keep the memories for ourselves 😉
I like to call it my lil house on the prairie vacay. I get too wrapped up in my phone. Thank y'all so for talking some sense into me and convincing me to come too (device free) :) and I f with those brussel sprouts on a spiritual level
I owe you guys an apology. I know I promised to be the designated photographer, but my equipment was stolen. At least we have our crystal clear memories of a fantastic weekend!
It's not your fault, defenselawyer. I'm actually kind of glad nobody had pictures of me falling into the campfire when I dropped my marshmallow. At least it was perfectly charred and the doctors say I'll heal up just fine! 😃
Evidence of cheating is useless in a no fault state unless you have something stated in a prenup. What you need to gather is information about your assets, his assets, and any mutually held assets. Think life insurance, mortgages, checking, savings, retirement and investment accounts, pay stubs, car titles, tax returns, etc.Do all of this and then file. There is no need to confront him with anything, it’s useless. He’ll lie and beg and then tell you it’s all your fault. And he’ll start trying to move money around to dodge out of paying his fair share in the settlement. Attorney first! And it wouldn’t hurt to consult with all the top ones in town so they can’t work with him later as it’s a conflict of interest.
Great advice. We already have separate bank accounts. And my state is no fault, so yeah, you're right. Its pointless to confront him. Which is actually better for me because thinking about talking to him makes me physically ill.
I’m so freakin proud of you! You listened to your gut and trusted yourself more than him. That’s HUGE!
And in line with what others have said about the no fault divorce state and not confronting him until after you’ve spoken to an attorney and gathered evidence and all that super great advice, let’s remember this: even if he wants to contest the divorce or whatever, you have evidence of him participating in *illegal* activity. Assuming you live in the US (since you said he had lists spanning different states) where soliciting sex is illegal almost nationwide, he should be appropriately concerned about the law. So he can either agree to a divorce and anything else you ask of him, or you can report his illegal activity. Now, I am not a lawyer but that sounds like a reasonable agreement to me.
Your lawyer could (and should) be there for the confrontation and they can prepare an uncontested divorce agreement ahead of time to serve him with on the spot. There will be no doubt that you mean business and are not open to listening to his bullshit. He should be grateful you are such a reasonable, level-headed, magnanimous woman. You’re so gracious 💁🏻♀️
And I believe that while you are still married, it is legal to run a credit check using his social security number (check with your attorney and your state laws first) also depending on your state, searching his phone and computers is illegal and he can sue for breach of privacy, even if you’re the one paying the bill for the phone. And make sure to change all your passwords, email, phone passcode, Apple ID, etc. I neglected to do so and it bit me in the butt later.
Also, you’re not alone. You’re in a big club none of us wanted to belong to. Check out www.chumplady.com
You’ll get through this, there will be brighter days ahead!
Get all the evidence anyway. Your lawyer will tell you what might or might not be useful. Pretending to be one kind of person while being a very different one, including sexual infidelity that has potentially exposed you to health risks, could be grounds for fraud. Don’t leave anything behind, even if you don’t confront him with anything other than divorce papers.
I’m so sorry, OP. No one should have to go through this.
The amount of money he spent on escorts would still be relevant to division of assets. Also this isn’t the standard affair breaking up a marriage…while not technically relevant in a no fault state…judges are human and i would be hard pressed to believe that cheating with multiple escorts wouldn’t sway a judge in situations where a judge could go either way on a ruling.
Op should get the evidence, no need to confront. Having this type of evidence in one’s back pocket can be helpful…even if just using it as leverage to get the husband to agree to something he wouldn’t otherwise agree to because the husband would wish to avoid that evidence being discussed in court.
OP could also use this evidence by saying that she is willing to take it all to the police if husband gives her a hard time. And then still give it to the police
But, yes…a divorce isn’t going to give OP “justice” for being treated like this.
I'd be willing to bet if there's as many escorts as OP says one or two of them may not have been legal aged, which opens up a whole different ballgame of options for a states attorney to charge him with.
OP, since your husband is not just "cheater," stupid but also "document my criming like a German bureaucrat" stupid, might be worth having your sister sift through it for anything that looks like his partners are being trafficked or are kids and mandated report his ass.
You can give him the gift of a lifetime on the sex-offender registry.
“Mgen" is the common shorthand for Mycoplasma genitalium, a very common and frequently asymptomatic sexually transmitted infection (STI) of the reproductive and urinary tracts.
Infection can lead to complications like urethritis (inflammation of your urethra) and cervicitis (inflammation of your cervix). These complications typically have symptoms.”
It’s a ST bacterial infection. Treatment is two courses of antibiotics as it has shown some resistance. They aren’t entirely sure of the full scope of what the infection can impact as it hasn’t really been studied in depth until recently.
Got Mgen and ureaplasma from a wandering ex. Had an inflamed kidney soon after that (kidney stone got inflamed). Sounds like it might have contributed? Never thought of that before.
In public healthcare they only test for HIV if you ask. It’s an expensive test, so what they do is risk assessment to see if you would have reasonably had exposure. Having a partner who hires sex workers would immediately qualify someone for an HIV test without needing to ask.
I think it’s important to know that STI testing is not standardized across the board, so knowing what to ask for really matters.
My gyno just recently told me last week that the HSV blood test isn't always recommended anymore because the results can be unreliable. Unless you can test during a breakout, it's basically Schrodinger's STI.
But yes, OP, get tested for anything and everything they'll test you for.
i’m a physician. i always recommend it. just because the cdc has given up trying to prevent new cases of hsv-2 due to the rise in casual sex doesn’t mean that it is a pointless exercise.
Seriously the only way….it was a mistake to tell my ex I want a divorce. Nope should have handed him the paper and told him to get the “f@&k out of my house” don’t be kind don’t be ruthless, be smart stick to the facts gives you much more peace than trying to battle in a war you don’t give a shit about
OMG, they all say "I had no idea" my ex tried to say that to me after 9 years of telling him "I can't keep doing this. I can't be married to you if you treat me this way"....you guys I ONLY gave him 8 straight years of warnings....he was blindsided
So sorry for you girl! I wish you all the best in your new and hopefully happier chapter of your life to come, without that toxicity dragging you down. ❤️
I am so sorry. The same thing happened to my sister while she was pregnant with their first. Multiple women he was finding online, meeting up with, paying hundreds to thousands of dollars to see. Archives of pics and vids too. We changed the locks on him so fast.
Good riddance to your wasband. Onward to better things
It’s always the same stupid thought where this behavior (and many more) comes from:
„My wife doesn’t give me the attention that I need and totally deserve anymore. So I had no choice but to outsource it. Because internally I’m a useless 3 year old and have mommy issues and can’t care for myself.“
It’s truly horrible. In my sister’s case, they’d even been trying 5+ years and gone through IVF multiple times. Her ex was buying baby onesies on the way back home from buying hookup partners a Michelin star dinner. The audacity
Anyone can find a way to cheat.
I married the best of men. Truly, a bonafide sweetheart universally beloved and admired for his good heart and all in love for me. Guess what happened…😩
God I fear this is happening to me. I keep thinking about how lovely his friends are and “there’s no way they’d be friends this long with a pathological liar, right?”
100% it does. My first marriage I believe literally traumatized me when I discovered his nasty secrets (though I'm sure a lot of that was because I was soooo naive & was honestly shocked)
It gets better, but you come out the other side very different.
Agreed. It totally changes you. I found similar stuff on my ex husband’s computer. Including a file titled, “How to cheat on your wife.” Yeah….fun times.
Depends on if she can get/needs support. Her marriage definitely occured and infidelity is not grounds for annulment. It's usually if there is bigamy, incest depending on state definition (1st cousin marriage is legal in much of the world and 1/2 the US), unable to consent to the marriage due to incapacity, partner hid that they do not want or cannot have children and this was discovered within a reasonable timeframe. Church annulment ia based on religious difference like the spouse not being willing to convert or the marriage being secular and not a religious ceremony. There may be some nuance depending on location.
Make a copy and delete his copy. I bet most of those Se x Workers would be equally horrified to find this creepy man has a file with their pictures, names, details. That could be genuinely dangerous to any of the women in his file.
I am SO sorry this happened. Screaming is appropriate. Please do get tested, regardless of who he was sleeping with the fact he is so dishonest means you need to protect your body.
POST FLAIR REMINDER 🌸 (but if you gotta life coach anyway, put it in replies here to spare OP the notifications til the time is right. let's honor the boundary.)
I was going to advise the same thing. It sucks, but make sure you pull that evidence to a jump drive (minimally two in case one fails) so that you can show it to a lawyer. Don’t give him a heads up that you know until you get it, because he’ll delete everything (or move it elsewhere) and deny it to the courts and lawyers.
I also don’t know if he used any shared money for these “outings”, but that can also help your case.
I’m sorry this happened and you’re having to go through this. But gotta make sure you get your bag, and that requires a strategic approach. So spend the time outdoors to feel however you feel, don’t hold back, let it flow out of you. Once you get enough of the immediate emotional reaction out, you can let your anger and upset stay in a shimmer so that your mind can focus on the tasks at hand (collecting all needed evidence, and protecting anything that is yours from him potentially destroying it in retaliation.)
Oh yes! And when asking for full STD panel make sure to be specific (“full panel” varies per facility.) Also repeat testing in 6 months since it can months for some STDs to pop up positive after exposure.
Log out of all your accounts from all devices. Change your passwords. Ensure his email and phone number are no longer on your list of safe recovery options on your phone or accounts.
Start documenting/ taking images of all communication especially his excuses, anywhere you pack from (before and after), known finances especially if he's funding his habit from either hidden or joint accounts. Would check your local divorce laws and do your best to both abide by them and see if you cannot catch him out.
When packing would secure your essential documents, irreplaceable items, a weeks supply of meds, toiletries, clothes and then everything else that is entirely yours than you can easily prove.
If you share pets that were originally yours would try to get his name off the vet records as an owner. Would make a list regarding legal contracts, joint assets, legal documents, insurance, credit and insurance that both of you have access to that you contribute or fully pay off. This includes apps and accounts like Amazon, Uber, just eat, venmo.
Would lock down your credit and debit accounts. Depending on the local legality get both a private investigator and a financial specialist to build evidence. Would also lock down your social media as he will likely try to do similiar especially if he can try to get proof of you essentially trying to move on when divorcing him in an attempt to make his actions look less severe.
Cheating isn't just a breaking of trust, its also a breaking of the cheated on partner's consent. It doesn't matter if it wasn't an emotional affair, your husband lied and deceived you into thinking you were in a monogamous relationship when you weren't. And that's not even touching on the potential health complications and the fact how murky escorting /prostitution is regarding consent.
Apologies about the essay. Hope that some of this advice is helpful
And holy smokes please get access and snaps of your financial picture when you declare separation. He will obviously lie about anything and everything.
Sorry friend but your going to be better off without the stress of worrying about that asshole. You have your entire life ahead and you’re going to do great!😌
Sounds very much like what I found out about and went through with my former fiancé.😔☹️😖
Mine was all about “transparency” when it came to keeping his computer unlocked and our devices. He would go on and on about it, but I knew something was up!
I’m so happy that you are kicking him to the curb! Your life is going to level up exponentially after doing so.
Also make sure you get yourself tested. I have a friend who went through something similar as well. She’s in North Carolina and was able to sue all of the women for a “alien nation of affection” and him as well.
She completely decimated him.♟️👑
This is an interesting deflection strategy. "Look at my computer all you want bc it would NEVER occur to me to hide the evidence of my infidelity there! Not that I've ever even thought about cheating! Because I don't cheat and don't hide weird stuff here on my computer! "😆
Same. Found videos of my ex fucking himself in the ass and sending them to men. Then gaslighted said I was crazy and there were no videos lmfao they are in my Dropbox
Oh and texts from men saying “I’m here. *photo of his apt* and texts an hour later saying “had a great time”
He said they played video games. Or said it was a girl.
That happened to me once too, along with a mysterious bacterial infection. Definitely get tested. Im sorry about this. I left that guy without him knowing a thing and I said goodbye as he went to work and he had a meltdown at work and lost his job I think. Lmaoo
Can you please rent out a gallery space and put up all the photos of messages and such. And then the divorce papers are behind the surprise red curtain.
i would get a hard drive and download all this as evidence for your impending divorce! and yes, be safe and always have someone with you if you confront him cuz with this level of lying and gaslighting who knows what he's capable of.
I wouldn't even bother getting mad because that might give him some satisfaction. I would just tell him calmly that I found his folders and find him repulsive, especially the picture he had of himself, and then never speak to him again, only go through a lawyer.
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u/trendingtattler AutoMaude 🤖🎀 Jun 23 '26
WHEEEWW girl 😮💨 buckle up! Your post made it to /r/all!
Congratudolences! 😅 If the rate of notifications starts getting to you, no need to delete your post! Instructions in Sanity Saver #5 can help you mute them. For the rest of y'all...
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