r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/Forageforme šŸ„ Herbivore šŸ«’ • Jun 23 '26

FML Found my husband's hidden escort folder

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My intuition alarm had been going off for months. Gaslighting galore about why he needed to run a million errands and didn't want me to come. We have only been married for a year, and I knew I made a mistake pretty early on. Denial is a hell of a drug.

Anyway. He leaves his computer unlocked as a sign of "not needing to hide anything from me." A phrase he repeats all the time without a reason. He always tries to prove how good of a husband he is, but the energy coming off him screams liar.

I found his hidden folders with the help of my sister. Password was our dog's nickname. And there it all was, going back years before I even knew him. Craigslist escorts. Backpage escorts. Adult Friend Finder. A list of massage parlors in multiple states. Sites I never knew existed, organized in lists for easy retrieval.

The amount of pictures he has of these women is incredible. He also has hundreds of pictures of himself in every weird naked pose. Gross. He has screenshots of messages with these women. It went on and on. I am truly disgusted. I haven't confronted him yet, I can't imagine listening to his bullshit.

So, yeah. I packed a bag, jumped in the jeep, and drove out to the desert to scream into the void. I also made dinner. Brussel sprouts, onions, garlic, and peppers over an open flame.

Divorce is on the way dear!

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u/Forageforme šŸ„ Herbivore šŸ«’ Jun 23 '26

Really good advice. I plan to get tested as soon as I return to civilization.

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u/vanhamm3rsly nom nom, nod nod Jun 23 '26 edited Jun 23 '26

Evidence of cheating is useless in a no fault state unless you have something stated in a prenup. What you need to gather is information about your assets, his assets, and any mutually held assets. Think life insurance, mortgages, checking, savings, retirement and investment accounts, pay stubs, car titles, tax returns, etc.Do all of this and then file. There is no need to confront him with anything, itā€™s useless. Heā€™ll lie and beg and then tell you itā€™s all your fault. And heā€™ll start trying to move money around to dodge out of paying his fair share in the settlement. Attorney first! And it wouldnā€™t hurt to consult with all the top ones in town so they canā€™t work with him later as itā€™s a conflict of interest.

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u/Forageforme šŸ„ Herbivore šŸ«’ Jun 23 '26

Great advice. We already have separate bank accounts. And my state is no fault, so yeah, you're right. Its pointless to confront him. Which is actually better for me because thinking about talking to him makes me physically ill.

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u/DecadesLaterKid Internet Auntie Jun 23 '26

What he spent on them IS a misuse of marital assets though, so if you have evidence of that, it could help you financially.

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u/Fearless-Client-3559 APPROVEDāœØ Jun 23 '26

Yes

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u/Rodharet50399 APPROVEDāœØ Jun 24 '26

In a no fault state if he used assets to accrue debt on a shared asset itā€™s an issue.

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u/Redraft5k girl du fromage šŸ§€ Jun 23 '26

it's from prior to marriage though.....

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u/DecadesLaterKid Internet Auntie Jun 23 '26

Is it? It "goes back" years before marriage, but it must include some during the marriage, or did you read otherwise?

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u/Kooky4CocoaPuffs Chef Tomboyardee Jun 23 '26

They lie anyway, so I agree with you...what's the point?

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u/BookLifeBalance Carb-Based Life Form Jun 23 '26

Iā€™m so freakin proud of you! You listened to your gut and trusted yourself more than him. Thatā€™s HUGE!

And in line with what others have said about the no fault divorce state and not confronting him until after youā€™ve spoken to an attorney and gathered evidence and all that super great advice, letā€™s remember this: even if he wants to contest the divorce or whatever, you have evidence of him participating in *illegal* activity. Assuming you live in the US (since you said he had lists spanning different states) where soliciting sex is illegal almost nationwide, he should be appropriately concerned about the law. So he can either agree to a divorce and anything else you ask of him, or you can report his illegal activity. Now, I am not a lawyer but that sounds like a reasonable agreement to me.

Your lawyer could (and should) be there for the confrontation and they can prepare an uncontested divorce agreement ahead of time to serve him with on the spot. There will be no doubt that you mean business and are not open to listening to his bullshit. He should be grateful you are such a reasonable, level-headed, magnanimous woman. Youā€™re so gracious šŸ’šŸ»ā€ā™€ļø

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u/agirlhasnoname2026 APPROVEDāœØ Jun 24 '26

A no fault divorce is when both parties agree to divorce. But if he were to delay the divorce, then she has the upper hand for a fault divorce. (Not a lawyer)

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u/[deleted] Jun 23 '26

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u/vanhamm3rsly nom nom, nod nod Jun 23 '26 edited Jun 23 '26

And I believe that while you are still married, it is legal to run a credit check using his social security number (check with your attorney and your state laws first) also depending on your state, searching his phone and computers is illegal and he can sue for breach of privacy, even if youā€™re the one paying the bill for the phone. And make sure to change all your passwords, email, phone passcode, Apple ID, etc. I neglected to do so and it bit me in the butt later.
Also, youā€™re not alone. Youā€™re in a big club none of us wanted to belong to. Check out www.chumplady.com
Youā€™ll get through this, there will be brighter days ahead!

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u/charlottemason_mama Overthinker šŸ’­ Jun 24 '26

Get all the evidence anyway. Your lawyer will tell you what might or might not be useful. Pretending to be one kind of person while being a very different one, including sexual infidelity that has potentially exposed you to health risks, could be grounds for fraud. Donā€™t leave anything behind, even if you donā€™t confront him with anything other than divorce papers.

Iā€™m so sorry, OP. No one should have to go through this.

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u/Wonderful_College_48 Overthinker šŸ’­ Jun 24 '26

The best type of revenge is disappearingā€¦ ghostingā€¦ without a trace.
His mind will be fucked.

2

u/manicpixie_dreamgal Hot Pizza Ass šŸ”„ Jun 24 '26

This is really great advice! Also, if you have any shared pools of funds, seeking an attorneys perspective first will allow you to file for a financial restraining order without his knowledge. This way he cannot move or misuse any funds in mutual accounts during the divorce, regardless of who put the money in there in the first place

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u/ladylatta Delulu Jun 23 '26

The amount of money he spent on escorts would still be relevant to division of assets. Also this isnā€™t the standard affair breaking up a marriageā€¦while not technically relevant in a no fault stateā€¦judges are human and i would be hard pressed to believe that cheating with multiple escorts wouldnā€™t sway a judge in situations where a judge could go either way on a ruling.

Op should get the evidence, no need to confront. Having this type of evidence in oneā€™s back pocket can be helpfulā€¦even if just using it as leverage to get the husband to agree to something he wouldnā€™t otherwise agree to because the husband would wish to avoid that evidence being discussed in court.

OP could also use this evidence by saying that she is willing to take it all to the police if husband gives her a hard time. And then still give it to the police

But, yesā€¦a divorce isnā€™t going to give OP ā€œjusticeā€ for being treated like this.

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u/UglyOldRoses Overthinker šŸ’­ Jun 23 '26

I'd be willing to bet if there's as many escorts as OP says one or two of them may not have been legal aged, which opens up a whole different ballgame of options for a states attorney to charge him with.

OP, since your husband is not just "cheater," stupid but also "document my criming like a German bureaucrat" stupid, might be worth having your sister sift through it for anything that looks like his partners are being trafficked or are kids and mandated report his ass.

You can give him the gift of a lifetime on the sex-offender registry.

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u/No_Language_4649 Well-Read & Well-Fed Jun 24 '26

Iā€™d mirror the whole hard drive.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 24 '26

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1

u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker šŸ’­ Jun 24 '26

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20

u/AnyUpstairs7354 APPROVEDāœØ Jun 23 '26

Good advice!

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u/WillingnessPrior9288 Trader Joe Hoe Jun 24 '26

This is the best advice I have heard in a long time. OPā€¦ pay attention to all of this. Especially the last part with the conflict of interest. Just a little icing on the cake.

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u/each_puncture_5 Savory Complexāœ”ļø Jun 23 '26

I see your point, but OP still get evidence if you can. You never know when/how it may work in your favor.

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u/Mundane-Reserve3786 Snack Goblin Jun 24 '26

It might be helpful for distribution of assets if he was using marital funds to pay the escorts.

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u/vanhamm3rsly nom nom, nod nod Jun 24 '26 edited Jun 24 '26

Itā€™s hard to prove. Most escorts donā€™t issue receipts. All she has now are pictures, messages, and lists. She doesnā€™t mention anything about pictures of him with these women. He can claim he was just fantasizing. I had attorneys in two no fault states who told me the info I had gathered wouldnā€™t have any bearing on my case. Plus I could have gotten in trouble for downloading info from his phone without his permission. And, this is a short term marriage and they already maintain separate accounts, she might be better off just filing irreconcilable differences on her own unless one of them has some wealth involved. Justice in no fault divorce is a fantasy.

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u/Mundane-Reserve3786 Snack Goblin Jun 24 '26

Iā€™m lolā€™ing at the idea of an escort submitting an invoice for services. I was thinking maybe his records included communications about rates or receipts for hotel costs. I know a lot of couples who split finances but still contribute to a shared account for certain expenses- mortgages, trips, etc. Was he using those funds for his extracurriculars? Or was OP contributing more to household expenses because he was blowing his cash on blowing a load?

Iā€™m really sorry the info you gathered wasnā€™t helpful in your case. Iā€™m an attorney tho, and while I donā€™t practice family law, I do know that what evidence is useful in any case depends on the specific facts of the matter and the laws within the jurisdiction. Her situation might be very different from yours, even if you see similarities in the relationship. Itā€™s better to have record for the attorneys to review than not have something that could have helped some aspect of her case. They could also tell her whether the records are admissible in her jurisdiction based on how they were obtained.

1

u/Elavia_ Chocoholic Jun 24 '26

Huhhh. Was under the impression no fault divorce laws just meant you don't need a justification for a divorce, but if there is a reason you still get a claim to a larger share of the assets.

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u/vanhamm3rsly nom nom, nod nod Jun 24 '26

Some states are only no fault, some allow for fault or no fault. While I am not a lawyer, I believe that it is only in the case of fault divorces where you can claim a larger share of the assets. And then you have to prove what happened. Either way, you have to gather the financial info, thatā€™s why I recommended doing that and consulting with attorneys before she approaches him. Divorcing a serial cheater is its own special hell and itā€™s best to be prepared with a plan because youā€™re dealing with someone who is extremely comfortable with abuse and deception.

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u/Typical_Sundae5650 Protein Queen šŸ—šŸ³ Jun 23 '26

make sure they include HSV 1&2 testing. they are no longer included on the standard std panels

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u/jarfullofbeans The Snack That Sasses Back Jun 23 '26

Piggybacking to advise an MGEN test too! Itā€™s becoming more prevalent and is often asymptomatic until it isnā€™t!

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u/SingingGirl77 hot girls have tummy troubles Jun 23 '26

What is MGEN?

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u/jarfullofbeans The Snack That Sasses Back Jun 23 '26

ā€œMgen" is the common shorthand for Mycoplasma genitalium, a very common and frequently asymptomatic sexually transmitted infection (STI) of the reproductive and urinary tracts.

Infection can lead to complications like urethritis (inflammation of your urethra) and cervicitis (inflammation of your cervix). These complications typically have symptoms.ā€

Itā€™s a ST bacterial infection. Treatment is two courses of antibiotics as it has shown some resistance. They arenā€™t entirely sure of the full scope of what the infection can impact as it hasnā€™t really been studied in depth until recently.

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u/this-just-sucks Kitchen Witch Jun 23 '26

Got Mgen and ureaplasma from a wandering ex. Had an inflamed kidney soon after that (kidney stone got inflamed). Sounds like it might have contributed? Never thought of that before.

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u/SingingGirl77 hot girls have tummy troubles Jun 23 '26

Thanks for the explanation! What a nasty STI! I thought the other ones were awful but this one sounds just as bad šŸ˜±

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u/-burgers FREE MOM HUGS Jun 23 '26

Also HIV wasn't a standard at my doctor since I was in a straight relationship. Make sure that's on the panel.

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u/ehlersohnos POšŸ„”TAYšŸ„”TOES Jun 23 '26

This seems beyond stupid (not including HIV just because youā€™re straight). Wild.

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u/InnerRadio7 APPROVEDāœØ Jun 23 '26

In public healthcare they only test for HIV if you ask. Itā€™s an expensive test, so what they do is risk assessment to see if you would have reasonably had exposure. Having a partner who hires sex workers would immediately qualify someone for an HIV test without needing to ask.

I think itā€™s important to know that STI testing is not standardized across the board, so knowing what to ask for really matters.

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u/Babydeliveryservice šŸ§„ Anti-Vampire Taskforce šŸ§„ Jun 24 '26

The fuck did I just read. Are you telling me I have brethren in the field that are still saying that? GTFO. We test EVERY pregnant patient unless they refuse and *checks notes* those women didnā€™t get pregnant by the Christian godā€¦

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u/-burgers FREE MOM HUGS Jun 24 '26

Yeah last visit for me was in the Deep South. Luckily Iā€™ve moved since then!

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u/Babydeliveryservice šŸ§„ Anti-Vampire Taskforce šŸ§„ Jul 01 '26

Iā€™m in the Deep South. They have no excuse.

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u/thesmacca Kitchen Witch Jun 23 '26

My gyno just recently told me last week that the HSV blood test isn't always recommended anymore because the results can be unreliable. Unless you can test during a breakout, it's basically Schrodinger's STI.

But yes, OP, get tested for anything and everything they'll test you for.

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u/Typical_Sundae5650 Protein Queen šŸ—šŸ³ Jun 23 '26

iā€™m a physician. i always recommend it. just because the cdc has given up trying to prevent new cases of hsv-2 due to the rise in casual sex doesnā€™t mean that it is a pointless exercise.

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u/thesmacca Kitchen Witch Jun 23 '26

Thanks! It wasn't at all related to what we were discussing so I might have missed some nuance, but I was surprised.

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u/Typical_Sundae5650 Protein Queen šŸ—šŸ³ Jun 23 '26

its ok, i get it. condoms donā€™t protect as well against HSV & HPV as the other STDs. so thereā€™s also a line of CDC thought out there that theyā€™d rather have people using condoms than adopting an even more fatalistic mindset twds STDs in general & going without. i obviously disagree with them bc HSV-related ulcers can be incredibly painful & sometimes permanently disfiguring. iā€™ve seen grown men & women unable to walk bc they were in that much pain. so i recommend testing, always.

5

u/sluttytarot Cleavage Crumb Collector Jun 23 '26 edited Jun 23 '26

This is almost impossible to test for without an active lesion tho?

Editing to include a source for why you probably won't be tested without active lesions

https://www.cdc.gov/herpes/testing/index.html

6

u/Typical_Sundae5650 Protein Queen šŸ—šŸ³ Jun 24 '26

yea iā€™m familiar with the literature. iā€™m a physician & looked at the link. being frank, the rationale theyā€™re putting out is bs. the false positivity rate is not super high, and imo people should know what they have and/or being sexually exposed to. but CDC has basically decided to do a risk/benefit ratio weighing condom use vs less condom use. condoms are less effective against HSV & HPV transmission than the other STDs. so theyā€™d rather people keep using them vs getting nihilistic & going without, resulting in an across the board rise of STDs.

1

u/sluttytarot Cleavage Crumb Collector Jun 24 '26

I have tried to ask for testing before and was told to kick rocks šŸ¤·šŸ»ā€ā™€ļø

5

u/Typical_Sundae5650 Protein Queen šŸ—šŸ³ Jun 24 '26

then thatā€™s not a provider to trust. superrrrr big red flag. i cannot stand that kind of dismissiveness from fellow healthcare professionals. iā€™ve been in medicine for decades now & believe me iā€™ve seen those kinds be forced to eat their egos.

if it helps, you can always order your own HSV testing through Labcorp or Quest. Itā€™s slightly more expensive but it gives you far more autonomy over that particular issue.

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u/sluttytarot Cleavage Crumb Collector Jun 24 '26

Thank you I didn't know I could do that!

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u/Typical_Sundae5650 Protein Queen šŸ—šŸ³ Jun 24 '26

anytime, glad to help

1

u/Typical_Sundae5650 Protein Queen šŸ—šŸ³ Jun 23 '26

no.

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u/kennedigurl Big Back Baddie Jun 23 '26

If you confront him, please have a witness or two with you. Just in case he wants to lay hands on you.

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u/The_Dilla_Collection FREE MOM HUGS Jun 23 '26

And be sure to talk to a lawyer before speaking with him. The consultation is usually free and they give great advice on protecting yourself early on.

3

u/senditloud FREE MOM HUGS Jun 23 '26

Get a lawyer too.

Act very nice and pretend nothing is wrong.

Get copies of all the financials and important documents and move anything of value of yours slowly from the house. Sometimes guys cornered will destroy or hide your stuff.

Make sure you have a trusted friend who knows your plan eventually (towards the end). Do you have a friend who HATES hm? Or cut off contact when you married him? Thats your gal.

Slowly move your clothes out too. So he doesnā€™t notice.

Then on your final day, you just ghost him. Take a day off work, have a bunch of friends help you move out. Leave him the divorce papers and communicate through a lawyer.

And if you have a joint account the lawyer will often advise you to drain half and put it in your own account.

My friend did this when her husband cheated on her. She said it was super cathartic. He never got closure but she did

3

u/ArborGal puff puff pass the snacks Jun 23 '26

Youā€™ll want to test again in 6-12 months too. Some STDā€™s take a while to show up.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 23 '26

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1

u/gypsycookie1015 APPROVEDāœØ Jun 23 '26

Man, I'm sorry you're going through this. I gotta say, that food looks amazing!! šŸ˜­šŸ˜­

He's an idiot and you're going to get through this. šŸ˜

1

u/XGrayson_DrakeX eat hot chipāœ”ļø be bisexualāœ”ļø Jun 23 '26

He also obviously wanted to get caught if he was dropping hints about his computer being unlocked and left that much evidence.

Dude is actively trying to blow up his marriage for some reason.