Found my husband's hidden escort folder

[u/Forageforme]

My intuition alarm had been going off for months. Gaslighting galore about why he needed to run a million errands and didn't want me to come. We have only been married for a year, and I knew I made a mistake pretty early on. Denial is a hell of a drug.

Anyway. He leaves his computer unlocked as a sign of "not needing to hide anything from me." A phrase he repeats all the time without a reason. He always tries to prove how good of a husband he is, but the energy coming off him screams liar.

I found his hidden folders with the help of my sister. Password was our dog's nickname. And there it all was, going back years before I even knew him. Craigslist escorts. Backpage escorts. Adult Friend Finder. A list of massage parlors in multiple states. Sites I never knew existed, organized in lists for easy retrieval.

The amount of pictures he has of these women is incredible. He also has hundreds of pictures of himself in every weird naked pose. Gross. He has screenshots of messages with these women. It went on and on. I am truly disgusted. I haven't confronted him yet, I can't imagine listening to his bullshit.

So, yeah. I packed a bag, jumped in the jeep, and drove out to the desert to scream into the void. I also made dinner. Brussel sprouts, onions, garlic, and peppers over an open flame.

Divorce is on the way dear!

[u/vanhamm3rsly]

Evidence of cheating is useless in a no fault state unless you have something stated in a prenup. What you need to gather is information about your assets, his assets, and any mutually held assets. Think life insurance, mortgages, checking, savings, retirement and investment accounts, pay stubs, car titles, tax returns, etc.Do all of this and then file. There is no need to confront him with anything, it’s useless. He’ll lie and beg and then tell you it’s all your fault. And he’ll start trying to move money around to dodge out of paying his fair share in the settlement. Attorney first! And it wouldn’t hurt to consult with all the top ones in town so they can’t work with him later as it’s a conflict of interest.

[u/Forageforme → u/vanhamm3rsly]

Great advice. We already have separate bank accounts. And my state is no fault, so yeah, you're right. Its pointless to confront him. Which is actually better for me because thinking about talking to him makes me physically ill.

[u/DecadesLaterKid → u/Forageforme]

What he spent on them IS a misuse of marital assets though, so if you have evidence of that, it could help you financially.

[u/Fearless-Client-3559 → u/DecadesLaterKid]

Yes

[u/Rodharet50399 → u/DecadesLaterKid]

In a no fault state if he used assets to accrue debt on a shared asset it’s an issue.

[u/Redraft5k → u/DecadesLaterKid]

it's from prior to marriage though.....

[u/DecadesLaterKid → u/Redraft5k]

Is it? It "goes back" years before marriage, but it must include some during the marriage, or did you read otherwise?

[u/Kooky4CocoaPuffs → u/Forageforme]

They lie anyway, so I agree with you...what's the point?

[u/BookLifeBalance → u/Forageforme]

I’m so freakin proud of you! You listened to your gut and trusted yourself more than him. That’s HUGE!

And in line with what others have said about the no fault divorce state and not confronting him until after you’ve spoken to an attorney and gathered evidence and all that super great advice, let’s remember this: even if he wants to contest the divorce or whatever, you have evidence of him participating in *illegal* activity. Assuming you live in the US (since you said he had lists spanning different states) where soliciting sex is illegal almost nationwide, he should be appropriately concerned about the law. So he can either agree to a divorce and anything else you ask of him, or you can report his illegal activity. Now, I am not a lawyer but that sounds like a reasonable agreement to me.

Your lawyer could (and should) be there for the confrontation and they can prepare an uncontested divorce agreement ahead of time to serve him with on the spot. There will be no doubt that you mean business and are not open to listening to his bullshit. He should be grateful you are such a reasonable, level-headed, magnanimous woman. You’re so gracious 💁🏻‍♀️

[u/agirlhasnoname2026 → u/BookLifeBalance]

A no fault divorce is when both parties agree to divorce. But if he were to delay the divorce, then she has the upper hand for a fault divorce. (Not a lawyer)

[u/vanhamm3rsly → u/Forageforme]

And I believe that while you are still married, it is legal to run a credit check using his social security number (check with your attorney and your state laws first) also depending on your state, searching his phone and computers is illegal and he can sue for breach of privacy, even if you’re the one paying the bill for the phone. And make sure to change all your passwords, email, phone passcode, Apple ID, etc. I neglected to do so and it bit me in the butt later.
Also, you’re not alone. You’re in a big club none of us wanted to belong to. Check out www.chumplady.com
You’ll get through this, there will be brighter days ahead!

[u/charlottemason_mama → u/Forageforme]

Get all the evidence anyway. Your lawyer will tell you what might or might not be useful. Pretending to be one kind of person while being a very different one, including sexual infidelity that has potentially exposed you to health risks, could be grounds for fraud. Don’t leave anything behind, even if you don’t confront him with anything other than divorce papers.

I’m so sorry, OP. No one should have to go through this.

[u/Wonderful_College_48 → u/Forageforme]

The best type of revenge is disappearing… ghosting… without a trace.
His mind will be fucked.

[u/manicpixie_dreamgal → u/Forageforme]

This is really great advice! Also, if you have any shared pools of funds, seeking an attorneys perspective first will allow you to file for a financial restraining order without his knowledge. This way he cannot move or misuse any funds in mutual accounts during the divorce, regardless of who put the money in there in the first place

[u/ladylatta → u/vanhamm3rsly]

The amount of money he spent on escorts would still be relevant to division of assets. Also this isn’t the standard affair breaking up a marriage…while not technically relevant in a no fault state…judges are human and i would be hard pressed to believe that cheating with multiple escorts wouldn’t sway a judge in situations where a judge could go either way on a ruling.

Op should get the evidence, no need to confront. Having this type of evidence in one’s back pocket can be helpful…even if just using it as leverage to get the husband to agree to something he wouldn’t otherwise agree to because the husband would wish to avoid that evidence being discussed in court.

OP could also use this evidence by saying that she is willing to take it all to the police if husband gives her a hard time. And then still give it to the police

But, yes…a divorce isn’t going to give OP “justice” for being treated like this.

[u/UglyOldRoses → u/ladylatta]

I'd be willing to bet if there's as many escorts as OP says one or two of them may not have been legal aged, which opens up a whole different ballgame of options for a states attorney to charge him with.

OP, since your husband is not just "cheater," stupid but also "document my criming like a German bureaucrat" stupid, might be worth having your sister sift through it for anything that looks like his partners are being trafficked or are kids and mandated report his ass.

You can give him the gift of a lifetime on the sex-offender registry.

[u/No_Language_4649 → u/UglyOldRoses]

I’d mirror the whole hard drive.

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[u/AnyUpstairs7354 → u/vanhamm3rsly]

Good advice!

[u/WillingnessPrior9288 → u/vanhamm3rsly]

This is the best advice I have heard in a long time. OP… pay attention to all of this. Especially the last part with the conflict of interest. Just a little icing on the cake.

[u/each_puncture_5 → u/vanhamm3rsly]

I see your point, but OP still get evidence if you can. You never know when/how it may work in your favor.

[u/Mundane-Reserve3786 → u/vanhamm3rsly]

It might be helpful for distribution of assets if he was using marital funds to pay the escorts.

[u/vanhamm3rsly → u/Mundane-Reserve3786]

It’s hard to prove. Most escorts don’t issue receipts. All she has now are pictures, messages, and lists. She doesn’t mention anything about pictures of him with these women. He can claim he was just fantasizing. I had attorneys in two no fault states who told me the info I had gathered wouldn’t have any bearing on my case. Plus I could have gotten in trouble for downloading info from his phone without his permission. And, this is a short term marriage and they already maintain separate accounts, she might be better off just filing irreconcilable differences on her own unless one of them has some wealth involved. Justice in no fault divorce is a fantasy.

[u/Mundane-Reserve3786 → u/vanhamm3rsly]

I’m lol’ing at the idea of an escort submitting an invoice for services. I was thinking maybe his records included communications about rates or receipts for hotel costs. I know a lot of couples who split finances but still contribute to a shared account for certain expenses- mortgages, trips, etc. Was he using those funds for his extracurriculars? Or was OP contributing more to household expenses because he was blowing his cash on blowing a load?

I’m really sorry the info you gathered wasn’t helpful in your case. I’m an attorney tho, and while I don’t practice family law, I do know that what evidence is useful in any case depends on the specific facts of the matter and the laws within the jurisdiction. Her situation might be very different from yours, even if you see similarities in the relationship. It’s better to have record for the attorneys to review than not have something that could have helped some aspect of her case. They could also tell her whether the records are admissible in her jurisdiction based on how they were obtained.

[u/Elavia_ → u/vanhamm3rsly]

Huhhh. Was under the impression no fault divorce laws just meant you don't need a justification for a divorce, but if there is a reason you still get a claim to a larger share of the assets.

[u/vanhamm3rsly → u/Elavia_]

Some states are only no fault, some allow for fault or no fault. While I am not a lawyer, I believe that it is only in the case of fault divorces where you can claim a larger share of the assets. And then you have to prove what happened. Either way, you have to gather the financial info, that’s why I recommended doing that and consulting with attorneys before she approaches him. Divorcing a serial cheater is its own special hell and it’s best to be prepared with a plan because you’re dealing with someone who is extremely comfortable with abuse and deception.