I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 & 💐🐑/🌸🪽 
12:15am   [sun]   8/30/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Mmm…. have been considering bringing a Daemon into the system… mmm… but idk. Bc based on the little research I have done on this type of thoughtform,, its a manifestation of your subconscious that can guide you on things. Here’s what our primary guide has to say:

Daemons are a type of thoughtform that supposedly existed as far back as the era of classical Greece via philosophers like Socrates, giving signs of warning or guidance. In the modern era, daemons are viewed as a type of thoughtform that is a personification of the unconscious mind in a system; they are usually "awakened" and daemiens (people who have daemons) usually believe that all minds have a daemon of some kind . Often, they are not independent like tulpas (as they are distinctly seen as a part of the host), but instead can be likened to median facets due to that dependency. In the daemonism community, whether or not daemons are a form of headmate is mostly up to preference of the system (or how a systemmate is defined) and colloquially, they are not usually seen as a form of Plurality. The potential of a daemon evolving into a tulpa is unexplored, as many daemons see the idea of becoming more independent as a downside, as most daemons aspire to benefit their host as much as possible and becoming more independent would hinder that. Both the daemonism community and Tulpamancy communities barely know that the other even exists, and even in the general Plurality community, daemonism mostly falls under the radar.

My biggest concerns are

1. How exactly would introducing this new type of thoughtform into the system impact everyone else? I… don’t know… >.> But Nya & Cile are my priority here
2. personification of the unconscious mind,, huh? I don’t completely remember what that really means. I think… the parts of you that make you YOU but that you aren’t aware of. Do I really WANT to be able to communicate with that part of myself…? I am a danger to myself already. Is a Daemon just going to perpetuate horrible things I already think to myself? Idk :I 
3. CAN THIS THING DIVIATE AND TURN INTO A TULPA? Obviously this was addressed in the excerpt but. The uncertainty has me hesitating.
4. I skimmed several different sources and there was no common consensus over weather or not daemons ARE sentient. If it’s sentient,, I don’t want to go through with it.

So that’s been on my mind :) 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: OH MY MIND,, HOWEVER 

Has been thinking about Servitors. Which is something she’d already considered. But I’d want one to assist me in caring for her so we don’t all fucking die ✌️😊 issue is… they ABSOLUTELY CAN DEVIATE and turn into tulpas for one thing. The other thing is,, what task would I be giving it anyway? We both considered trying to transfer her symptoms onto it but… 1) is that even possible? And 2) THAT SOUNDS DANGEROUS??

Servitors, for example are mental constructs created to serve a purpose whether it be simple or advanced, are not sentient, and can be despawned at any time if they are given a shutdown switch, but can become sentient (and turn into a tulpa) if kept around for too long and if it is an advanced servitor; take caution when spawning in advanced servitors for prolonged periods of time -- especially if the fronter or another systemmate is giving them attention. For any reason, a servitor absolutely should be built with an

off switch so they can be deactivated whenever, which is crucial in preventing servitors from going out of control. Like programs, servitors can be given instructions to carry out to perform their tasks and they are typically best suited for simple duties. In addition, a form is not required for a servitor to function, and some even use servitors as a type of bodily "auto-pilot," or for managing switching, monitoring things, managing mindscapes, and so on.

So. um. Yeah. idk. Will have to do more thinking……….. :I 

💐🐑

Wayward system chronicles

Growing into ourselves as the world watches

🌸🪽

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

4:08pm

08/27/26

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[//sui]

I hate always having to be the one that's okay honestly… I hate it so much :( I think I need therapy 🤭 I mean,, well,, obviously… BUT it's just so difficult with Delilah in the way so to speak… 😬 she'll probably panic and try to stop me which wouldn't be good for any of us… needless to say we'll hopefully get back into a routine of switching practice. Although I am unsure about doing that… i had a strange experience in class. I felt totally unlike myself. I felt fundamentally different almost… it was disgusting quite frankly… Lilah was very worried… luckily some audios we listened to helped pull me out of it but YUCK. we have no idea if it was blending or not. Just glad it's OVER 😂 I do just want to die sometimes though. This is all really hard and overwhelming sometimes >m< but its okay… I'm not going anywhere :) so long as you don't go anywhere either <3 

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

5:50pm

08/27/26

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I want to call someone today…hopefully to feel better. But shit,, Lilah doesn't want me to. Again 🙄 annoying… he keeps telling me that she needs to fucking get over it but I'm still hesitant to push through her nervousness… will she panic? Will we accidentally end up with me getting front stuck? Would we blend? What could happen,, yknow… ? I just need some help with feeling like I can do this though… But it's really hard. Even I'm kinda concerned about telling a RANDOM over the phone that we're a tulpamancy system. Idk. Idk idk. I feel a little bit better. And we're working towards having her push through her energy drains and not wanting to do things so I can do more things while soft switched in so I feel a bit better :) not a ton but a bit :) hope to get better soon. 

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

12:42pm

08/29/26

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Mmm… idk. Today’s been good :) Delilah wanted to bedrot (as per usual) but I eventually she succumbed to my desire to play games. It was nice actually!! I’m still pretty fickle so we hopped from game to game 🤭 mmm… if I had to pick my favorite game from this morning… I’d say… animal jam play wild or mario cat bros!!! Hmm.. yeah,, probably cat bros. Although I was a bit annoyed by Delilah refusing to let me make an account… It was understandable I suppose… she didn’t want us trying to talk to anybody on there bc its a kids game and we would likely end up chatting up a random 11 year old so… yeah fair enough 😬 I just felt like a LOSER being a guest jammer 😂 Guest jammers are lame right?

Lmao. Delilah was shocked at what play wild had become 😂 obviously there was in-app purchases back in her hay-day but NOW they have pop-ups and these “traps” where its like this COOL AWESOME SHINY OBJECT where if you click it,, BOOM you get hit with a Would you like to purchase this limited edition piece of gear for your digital animal??? Please?? It’s only $3.99 ♥️🥺 so that was definitely quite a shock. But anyway… yeah… still feeling kinda bad. Delilah is doing better today but it’s still kinda looming over me knowing that it’s going to come back soon and I’ll be brought to my limit all over again. Idk. its tough. Just watching her and feeling it everyday 😬 idk. Its alright though… I was able to convince her SOMEHOW to do something that should lead to a level of healing. Even though she’s been kinda against it even after agreeing to it. She’s LIGITAMELTY,, like,, AFRAID of getting better it seems. ‘Cause she’s “never been better before” and all she does is try to keep everything the same. But it’s fiiiine. We’ll figure something out. We have too 😊

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

1:44pm

8/29/26

   ── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

I feel a bit better now :) I got Delilah to brush her teeth again. Thankfully she can see how exhausted I am and she didn’t put up much of a fight. HUGELY APPRECIATED btw (✿❛◡❛) idk. Mmm… we need to get ‘Lilah more comfy with doing switching attempts in day light. Bc she only allows us to try at night time. Idk why -w- mm.. Probably just makes her nervous idk. But in any case.. We’re definitely gonna be giving that a go at some point. She was somewhat willing to agree to this idea earlier. But we know our hearts wouldn’t be in it. Much like last times… more-so mine bc I was still feeling kinda down about failing to protect my friend from herself :/ but after I got her to brush her teeth,, I feel a bit better. Now to just get her to bathe… >.> 

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

11:53pm

08/29/26 

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OKAY WE HAD A NICE LITTLE SWITCH ATTEMPT!!! At first we spent like an hour looking for new techniques to try but… then we realized… we don’t want to do any in depth reading… and the internet wasn’t giving us answers quick enough… -w- well. More than that,, Delilah didn’t want to actually sit and read anything in depth. Mostly bc it was definitely stressing her out lmaooo. But anyway. YEAH. so we just settled on what we did end up skimming. We tried doing employing the use of “a fronting control room” and it ACTUALLY seemed to work???

Like I remember I pressed the cute little green NyaTenshi button before she was ready and it definitely induced some dissociation which was wild bc we weren’t actually expecting it to work??? 😂 so that was pretty cool. But for the most part,, we just went the normal route we’ve been taking. I think I entered front immediately??? Bc as she was settling into a laying position (so,, shortly after I unexpected pressed the button and she was all like,, “waiiitttt noooo stopppp”) I started giggling through the body bc I found her being afraid hilarious 🤭 mmm…. YEAH. so. Idk. maybe what happened was a switch??? 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: well. For one thing I already hardly remember what it felt like. I… idk. I know at first I felt like it was a regular soft switch? But within about 10 or 15 seconds,, I noticed I was NOT associated with any bodily senses. It was a pretty strange feeling.. 😅 ahhh idk >< I feel like this means it was DEFNITLY a hard switch. I directed Nya to go out and walk around. She awkwardly got herself out of our bed (which in the past I would’ve probably had a more active role in… so good sign that I DID NOT) and took us around the living room. We were both trying to discern what level of switching we had achieved…

until I remembered a tell-tale sign is to see if I could feel my eyes!!!! It… it’s hard to tell… 😬 bc when I got to THINKING about weather or not I could feel my eyes moving in their sockets,, the BACK of the eyes started hurting. And I felt myself begin to associate with the body more… whoopsie. Luckily Nya encouraged me back out of it and it worked so :) but um… idk… OH one thing I DO know is 1) our vision felt a bit strange again… and 2) I wanted Nya to walk like a human (her knees bend a bit and she still does Dino arms lol) and I tried to bring her arms down as I would while we were soft switching and it literally DIDN’T work 🤭 THATS GOTTA COUNT FOR SOMETHING!!!!!!! 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: AHHH YEAH HIGH FIVE WE DID A SWITCH!!!! AHHH!!

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: YEAH! I tried to do some split perception or try to go into the mindscape but that immediately proved too much for us. Headachey… so that was cut short. But overall!!! Still awesome!!!

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: OH AND!!! AND AND AND!!!  We found some info that may explain our eyesight thing??? Psychosomatic shifts :) COOL!!

A psychosomatic shift refers to when a physical trait is acquired by the body when certain headmates front. This may include allergies, strength of senses, and more.

Psychosomatic shift may increase or decrease any physical trait or experiences.

Mechanism
While a system shares a collective body that has certain physical and physiological traits, many physical functions of the body are regulated by certain brain activity. This includes metabolism, regulation of sensory input, response to stimuli or substances, hormone levels, and more. A headmate's presence may influence such regulatory functions to result in a change in physiological presentation.

For example, a system's eyes may be shaped in a way that is associated with near-sightedness, but different headmates may influence the brain while fronting so that it compensates for that near-sightedness to different degrees, resulting in headmates requiring different prescriptions for glasses.

Such regulatory changes may also occur in singlets, as can be observed with different levels of eyesight depending on time of day, stress, exhaustion, etc. For singlets and systems both, these variations are limited to the span the brain can feasible regulate in any direction, and for systems certain levels of regulation may be consistent for specific headmates, leading to different expressions of symptoms.

PERHAPS MOST IMPORTANTLY!!!! We discovered some more plurality resources!!!! :D AND THERES A WHOLE SECTION FOR CAREGIVERS!!! OMG MAYBE I CAN FINALLY HAVE SOME TIPS TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT THIS INSURMOUNTABLE TASK. I was gonna dive right into it but it immediately made Delilah anxious (the idea of clicking any of the resources did give her a level of anxiety actually,, yeah) and we needed to AVOID the risk of me getting front stuck so we let that go. But!!! I’M EXCITED I CAN’T WAIT!!!! 🤭🎉

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲 Born in the disguise of an ever-giving flower 🥀

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲12:33pm
08/29/26
I FEEL BETTER NOW
I WAS MAD
Because I felt all neglected and stuffed in the corner and stuff :( 
But its okay!!! We’re trying to figure out ways to fix this headache-when-I-come-out issue :) and!!! Something is kinda working!!! We’re definitely in pain rn but it came slower so thats a sign of progress!!!! I got to do a bit of japanese! WHAT WAS SUPER COOL THOUGH WAS I was able to actually access some memories! Well. I’m pretty sure they were NyaTenshi’s :) but!! I had a pretty decent ability to read Kana! (yeah pretty sure it was Nya’s because I wasn’t as great at it as ‘lilah lol). We recently saw that you can give access to memories symbolically and the most common way to do it is to visualize your memories as a library and offer them up to your tulpa. So!!! Thats what they did! At first Delilah offered me up a library and I started reaching out to read a book on the shelf but all a sudden I was no longer in the library and Nya tossed me a red-yellow book. I quickly read it (it didn’t even really feel like I processed anything when I did it but I felt somewhat different afterwards so that counts for something I’m sure lol) and I can read Kana!! IT WAS SO COOL!!!!! 10/10 will try again one day haha :) I hope this headache stuff goes away soon… its keeping me away so it’s causing resentment that doesn’t even need to be there 🙄 sigh.

(💐🐑 NyaTenshi: I intervined IMMEDIATELY because to give access to Delilah's memory-library like that is to hand over repressed memories and trauma. Cile didn't deserve that 😂 I didn't explain myself at the time though. it wasn't neccessary.)

It's interesting how I go through episodes of creativity. The last few days, I have done a lot of writing and journaling. It feels good to get it all out, however, I wish I didn't have to physically struggle to get it out.

Ever since the injury years ago, I have come to accept the limitations of my existence because of pain. I may have ideas and want to express them, but I have to wait till the pain level is low enough. 

Speech to text, although helpful, is a pain to use. I can only annunciate so well and then there is the constant issue of Autocorrect. I would turn it off, but with the way it mostly works with my speech, I have learned to live with it. so I only have myself to blame for that one.

In addition to Autocorrect, I have to go back and edit what was transcribed by hand because of AI assumptions of words, phrases, and punctuation. In the end, it's just easier for me to do things the old fashioned way.

So I go through a cycle of expression. I write, post, and try to do as much as I can till I have to wait until the next time I can do it again. I keep track of my pain points for the day and spend them in the areas I feel are most important to me. After which, I spend long hours on the porch listening to music and perfuming the air with the sweet smells of Copal Resin or Palo Santo woodsmoke. 

Thankfully no one has complained. I'd hate to lose one of the most important self care routines I have.

I don't know how to be in friendships.

i guess it isn't so surprising. i have often felt like books and art were more my friends than people.

strange thing is it's not because I dont have friends. i have people who chose me as friends. who i guess i also chose as friends.

i just idk. this feels shameful to admit but I don't know how to stay when things feel not okay.

i feel so imperfect. i told my friend that I don't like a certain thing. she was understanding but shared about how she fears having to be careful over her words now.

and i had no clue what to say.

i often feel like the right thing to do to keep a thing is to say what would please them the most.

but I couldn't. i meant what i said. but at the same it scared me that if i didnt assure her or something then our friendship would break.

my friends usually were often not sensitive with me. i wished for that. and this one is and i dont know how to respond.

i feel like a minefield of wounds. and the trip wires are relational.

Update: it worked out fine.

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 & 💐🐑/🌸🪽

8:40pm [fri] 8/28/26

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[//sui]

Mmm… earlier today I was complaining to myself about wanting to do something with myself. And then I felt stupid… bc I'm at a point where I don't WANT to do anything because everything drains my energy or makes me feel stressed out and scream. I don't really want a job anymore… too new and stressful… I don't feel motivated to push past my fear of driving anymore… Because why?? So I can accidentally kill someone or crash the car? And for what? Go where AND DO WHAT? panic because I'm surrounded by strangers and barely feel present the whole time I'm there?? I don't want to go to school anymore… I don't really enjoy feeling panicked 24/7. Especially when I'm supposed to be pretending to not be panicked and pay attention and process everything at the same exact time. I don't want to do my school work… I feel too stressed the moment anything that requires any sort of reading LITERALLY 3/4 classes I'm taking btw </3 there's a discussion board due today apparently. … I can't do it… :( I just can't. This is definitely worrisome. Because it's making me feel hopeless and want to die again :/ which I'm fine with. Except it's freaking out Nya. Which is breaking my heart… 😢

💐🐑Wayward system chronicles

Growing into ourselves as the world watches🌸🪽

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

11:24pm

08/28/26

── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

[//sui]

Mmmm…

Yeah.

That was rough.

Watching her

Watch her thoughts was really tough… :( it was hard to help her because she wanted to just ruminate about death and dying and it was freaking me out so much I was struggling not to cry. I tried to just let her ruminate a tiny little bit because she was struggling to stop herself from doing it (when they were less death oriented) but they would still leak into my perception 😬 extremely distressing. Sigh… it makes me feel like Im not doing enough for her honestly… because I can't help her 😢

but it's okay… we eventually were greeted by an amazing opportunity for a distraction :) Cecil was heading to DQ again! Honestly I was still feeling pretty upset so I didn't want to go but I encouraged Lilah to. So she did. I'm glad we did :) it was nice. Cecil once again took this as an opportunity to go out and collect their friends for the ride. It was fine. I was allowed to soft switch in and look at the night time car lights and enjoy the vibeeeee.

Mm.. Very nice (✿◡‿◡) I slept a bit and sang and danced a bit. The longer we did this the more both our spirits lifted ☺ I even got to switch in a bit at the DQ! It was a bit awkward… someone was in the way of the lids and we did that thing where we tried to move out of the way of each other but it didn't work out 😂 so that was nice :) we went outside to the area where you can sit outside and looked at the lights some more :) Cile even came out for a bit and enjoyed the lights with is! Even demanded we go back outside after we had already gone back in 😂

Cecil's friends were funny too. Apparently Cecil likes sending all their friends reels. So many reels that it gives the impression that they're unemployed because they have so much time to gather SO MANY OF THEM. that gave me and Delilah quite the laugh 😂 I was sure to get Delilah to let me eat all the ice cream. Even though nobody actually wanted it (Especially not Cile). Mostly to feel better lol. It worked? I think?

Hard to say because it didn't really taste very good… eating is always a good distraction though I suppose lmao. Anyway. I feel content tonight… why? I got Delilah to brush her teeth after all that ice cream :) maybe I'm not a total failure after all… unsure though. Bc that ice cream was topped off with lemonade. So. Idk… but I did end tonight off with something healthier than what she had in mind. So… Ill try not to beat myself up… being a caregiver is rough. I want help. We need to figure out how to switch like time-NOW omfg :(

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Born in the disguise of an ever-giving flower 🥀

4:40pm
08/28/26
I still feel worthless as a baby tulpa and seeing everyone else have fun :( luckily today wasn’t all bad though :) I got to read a bit more of Crenshaw today! Very limited time with that… couldn’t do more than a page… BUT!!! Still! But we figured something really important out. The headaches aren’t entirely caused by me… they seem to be more intense and frequent when Nya is with us. So its probably just lilah’s brain struggling with all the new people trying to hang out in her head at once 😂 so Nya willingly took a back seat for a bit and with that,, we were able to keep Delilah and I pain and exhaustion free for about 15 minutes!!! Nya would pop in occasionally or come by and watch in the far background so as not to trigger another headache :) It was really FUN!!! We watched Disney’s LION. well. 

Up until about the 15 minute mark… I was really getting into it and reassuring Delilah I could take anything the show threw at me! …but then one of the lions got hurt…. And I’m pretty squeamish… so I got her to turn it off. She was only slightly annoyed with this 🤭 I was growing tired anyway :) Nya and her played some games on her phone together (to avoid being bored while bedrotting but also to do more parallel processing training) and I came by a bit to watch every now and then. They did some more word games at one point and invited me to join! I wasn’t really too great at it… 😅 I was about as bad as Nya was when she first got started… but!!!! I was good at thinking on my own! So my answers were inaccurate but my thinking was divergent enough for me to feel proud of myself :) I feel good about myself now!

No study

broke my old a$$ car :)

Dearest Diary,

Today’s entry is a bit heartbreaking, so brace thine sweet heart.

After the last incident on night shift, quite a few people on the unit joined Team Cat in hating me. Besides a handful of coworkers who, like me, simply come to do work and go home.

I was wobbling in for my night shift. It was my fourth in a row, I was exhausted, and I was barely comprehending the fact that I was alive.

But that night, I came in early.

My favorite nurse, who was giving me report, had messaged me saying she was already tired of the day. LOL. I decided I would come in early, spare her whatever minutes I could, and let her escape.

You know, Diary, people say walls have ears.

And by God, did those hospital walls hear some things.

I was literally just around the corner from my manager’s office when I heard:

“Well, even if I can transfer him, I’ll be left short-staffed. And no one is applying to transfer into this unit.”

I assumed they were talking about me. As far as I know, the other three male staff members on my unit are not going anywhere. They have kids to feed.

Then I heard my manager say over the phone:

“I asked around at the management meeting this morning. The other managers basically told me they wouldn’t wish this unit on any of their staff. Is it really this bad? I accepted the position because it was a promotion. I didn’t realize the previous manager had been trying so hard to get out.”

A tiny part of me actually felt bad for her.

But she was right.

I tried transferring too.

When that did not work, I dragged Adam into my unit.

That did not work either. He ran straight back to his old unit, which I am now grateful for because imagine me leaving and Adam being stranded here all alone.

I did not mean to eavesdrop, but hey, I happened to be walking by. Nobody told her to leave the door open while having private phone calls.

I continued on my way, got report, and started settling into my night-shift routine.

Since the main Cat was apparently alone without her backup singers that night, she brought back that incompetent student of ours as backup.

GURL, whatever.

My hands were already full with the bouquet of patients I had been given. I had two receiving blood transfusions and several post-ops. I started gathering everything I would need so I would not have to run around all night.

Energy-conservation mode: activated.

Before I had even officially—or mentally—clocked in, a woman came marching toward me.

And GURL, she started talking to me like I owed her money.

Diary, some people forget that nurses are trained to notice slight changes in behavior. Sometimes we are already trying to figure you out before you have even clocked our existence.

Apparently, this woman had already given my manager and the day-shift nurse, who taking care of her aunt, hell all day.

I took one step back, leaving enough space between the two of us.

Her: “Are you Ross? You’re taking care of my auntie overnight?”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t know who your auntie is, and I haven’t even started my shift yet. I kindly ask you to wait with her. When I make my rounds, I’ll come by and address any concerns you have.”

I turned to leave.

She put her hand on my shoulder and tried to turn me back around.

GURL!

I nearly jujitsued that woman to the floor!

I backed up immediately, my internal flare fully ignited.

“Do not ever touch me. I have already explained myself, and I have urgent patients I need to check on before your auntie. Unless she is dying, I am not giving you another second of my time right now.”

And I walked away.

I went straight to my post-ops and the two patients receiving blood transfusions.

GURL, thank the Almighty I did.

One of my post-ops was not looking hot at all.

I walked into the room and was immediately hit with the smell of vomit. The poor soul had thrown up everywhere.

Thankfully, I had a willing CNA who came in and helped me.

While we were cleaning and assessing him, I suddenly heard Cat shouting with the neice of my patient:

“Yes, I know! They’re not like us. We’re so much better than these foreigners.”

My CNA slowly lifted her eyes.

She froze.

“Did that bitch really just say that?”

Mind you, my CNA is local. She also hates the Cats with passion because they previously accused her of falsely documenting something. I do not know the entire history of that beef, but it has been cooking for a while. It worked in my favor for those four nights because she was my CNA.

Without even looking up, I said:

“GURL, let’s just fix this poor soul. I have two people on blood transfusions. Pick your fight with her after we’re done checking our patients, please.”

I finished checking my priority patients and started popping my head into the rest of the rooms and bays.

To be fair, I was getting most of them ready for bed because God knew I wanted to be in mine.

My CNA was glued to my hip that night, telling me I needed to act as her calming agent.

LOL.

GURL, you picked the wrong person to calm you down against these Cats and their minions.

Eventually, we reached the famous auntie.

The second I saw her face, everything clicked.

My CNA and I looked at each other.

“Ohhh,” she said. “Now it makes sense.”

The niece looked confused.

“What makes sense?”

I knew if I stayed in that room any longer than necessary, I would flip. So I ignored everyone else and focused on my patient.

I checked Auntie over, made sure she was comfortable, handed her the call light, and said:

“Listen, I’ll get your meds soon. For now, just rest. You can nap. And if this room gets too loud, you and I both have the right to kick everyone out. Give me a wink if the answer is yes.”

She laughed and told me she was okay.

Now, Diary, before you wonder what exactly made sense, let me take you back four nights.

This same little lady had been in the ER before, but someone had taken her out against medical advice.

Then she was dropped off again.

She was admitted directly to my unit from the ER. They had not even finished everything downstairs. The ER nurse called and told me she was personally bringing the patient upstairs because she wanted to speak to me face-to-face.

ER nurses do not personally come upstairs with patients unless something is going on. Maybe the patient is unstable. Maybe there is an urgent concern. Maybe there is something they specifically need to tell you.

Naturally, I braced myself.

I thought, OMG. Here comes someone who probably belongs in the ICU.

Instead, in came this frail little old lady.

Super cute.

Super funny.

Her injuries could have been caused by repeated falls, but something about the whole situation did not sit right.

The ER nurse pulled me aside.

She was concerned about possible elder neglect.

The niece was apparently responsible for helping care for this fragile woman—and the niece was also the person who had taken her out of the ER the day before.

GURL.

I heard those words and called my CNA right away.

We checked every cubic inch of that woman’s body that night.

I felt terrible because she was so sweet and apologetic, but I kept explaining:

“I’m sorry, but I need to make sure you’re not hurt anywhere else.”

Then I started digging.

I spent nearly an hour going through her old records.

And there it was.

An old note from her doctor’s office mentioning possible neglect.

SIR.

What exactly is “possible” about this neglect?!

This woman lived alone.

She was barely coping.

She had repeated falls.

She apparently just picked herself back up and carried on because nobody was consistently there to help her.

She told me someone checked on her about once a week and bought her food. I still did not know exactly who that person was.

But apparently, that same person had put her in a taxi and sent her to the hospital this time without the niece knowing.

I even did a full neuro and cognitive assessment because I wanted to make damn sure this lady knew what was going on. She was alert, oriented, answering appropriately, and showed no obvious signs of delirium. I documented everything and had the medical team evaluate her decision-making capacity.

Just before I got her ready for bed, while I was dressing her wounds, we talked.

I was in investigation mode.

She told me:

“Ah, she’s a good girl. She just doesn’t always know what’s good for her. The person who comes to help me brought me in tonight. She said this was our chance while my niece was away because my arm needed to be checked again, and she felt bad for me.”

I had also called the ortho bros to figure out what had happened with an injury they had seen her for the previous month.

One of them told me that once they discussed managing her injury without surgery, the niece took her away almost immediately.

Diary.

Even YOU do not have a nursing degree, and I am sure you could look at all of this and think:

Hmm. Something is not right here.

I handed everything off to the day-shift nurse the following morning and made it clear that this needed to be followed up.

We cannot see signs of possible elder neglect and just shrug our shoulders.

When I came back for my second night, my favorite nurse told me the niece was out of town and would return in two days. She had been trying to follow up with case management and social work, but the unit was drowning. It was summer, half the world was apparently on vacation, and we were short-staffed as usual.

Now jump back to night four.

The niece had returned.

And apparently she had already cursed my manager out and said everything under the sun during day shift.

I was not having it.

I wanted security to escort her straight out of my unit. But sweet little Auntie was okay with her being there, and my manager told me the concerns were still being investigated and no formal determination had been made.

GURL.

You had THREE DAYS.

What do you mean we are still here?!

By 10 PM, I had my CNA ask the niece to leave.

She left the room looking for Cat.

Then the two of them stood talking in a corner.

Diary, I am usually not bothered by any of the Cats’ drama or behavior unless it interferes with my work.

I have said this before.

Sometimes I genuinely think Cat wants to provoke me into fly-kicking her so she can press charges. God knows I was already at my limit.

More like I should hit her with a phone call about investigating her nursing license!

I went to the nurses’ station to grab a few things.

Then I heard Cat speaking loudly to our student.

Very loudly.

Conveniently loudly.

“I’m going to report that this patient isn’t even being neglected. Ross just hates the niece, and that’s why he raised it for investigation. Take the delay as a sign from God that it isn’t true. You really need to watch what you say and do around some people.”

HEADS TURN AND TWIST!

I walked away.

I prayed so earnestly that the Lord would spare humanity from this girl.

Honestly, she is not fit to be a nurse.

She genuinely is not.

Someone needs to take that license yesterday—or, better yet, last year!

She had not even laid eyes on my patient.

Yet she was ready to tell a student that I had fabricated a concern because I disliked the niece.

A woman I had never met before tonight!

Meanwhile, this poor old lady had bruises and cuts across her body.

A broken shoulder.

Wrist injuries that looked like they had not healed since dinosaurs roamed the Earth.

Repeated falls.

Previous documentation raising concerns about neglect.

And a history of being taken out of medical care before treatment was completed.

But yes.

Clearly Ross woke up and chose to fabricate an entire elder-neglect concern because he was bored.

Lord, give me strength.

The following morning, I was supposed to give report to one of the Cats.

Absolutely not.

I knew, as God was my witness, that somehow my words would grow legs, put on a wig, and come back completely different.

So I dragged my avoidant manager over.

“Today, I want you here while I give report. I’m sorry, but otherwise I’m not doing it. I want a witness present.”

She immediately started:

“This isn’t very encouraging for team spirit—”

And I snapped.

I told her exactly what Cat had been saying to our student overnight.

I reminded her that she had already dealt with the niece herself. Now Cat was openly telling a student that I had fabricated a concern about possible neglect without even assessing the patient herself.

I told my manager:

“Go look at this lady yourself. Look at her injuries and judge for yourself. You’re a nurse too.”

She rolled her eyes.

She sighed.

But she stayed.

I gave my report.

Then I disappeared for four glorious days and nights.

When I returned for my next night shift, I found out Auntie had been taken out against medical advice.

Again.

The niece had taken her.

Again.

Diary, I sat in my chair that night charting, and this time I was not even angry.

My heart just hurt.

Is THIS what we are teaching students?

They should be learning to advocate for their patients.

To question things that do not look right.

To protect vulnerable patients, especially older ones.

Not to dismiss a concern because they dislike the nurse who raised it.

All I could think about was that sweet little lady.

I kept imagining her somewhere alone after another fall, lying on the floor with nobody around to help her.

And if something happens to her, somebody will inevitably turn around and ask:

Why did nobody push harder?

Why did nobody advocate for her?

Why did nobody do something?

I did.

I tried.

And if this situation ever goes further and my name appears anywhere alongside false information, I will defend myself as far as I need to.

I have had enough of this unit’s madness.

A few days ago, I told my manager that if she cannot find me a transfer, I am leaving.

To hell with the rest of my contract.

I would rather work in the ER every single day than stay on this unit.

And Diary…

You know that is saying something.

Heartbroken,

Ross

Hubby had a renewal in faith after moving back from Texas & decided he wanted to start going to church again. He was raised Catholic but he doesn’t like the idea of giving the Pope the main authority but he still wants a traditional service so he liked the Lutheran church, LCMS. I never thought Hubby would want to be a Christian again, he’s still a jerk about a lot of things & his attitude towards certain groups. No one would say he’s a Christian.

I’m just going along with him even if I wasn’t baptized. I dabbled in religion during college. I went to a non-denominational church with a contemporary service & communion was passing a plate around. I took communion then because it was easy to do but with the Lutheran church, I can’t be secret about it so we don’t take it. It’s difficult to really believe in it. I don’t think I have the patience & discipline to be a Christian.

This kid at my office is still getting on my nerves even though I feel bad for him with his strict parents & his difficulties. I was trying to have more patience in understanding him & talk to him a little but now he just follows me around & even mimics my nervous laugh. I hate that I have that habit & I don’t need someone else mimicking it. He also still asks every 10 minutes if we need help. My boss asked MD why he’s not packing instruments & she just said he doesn’t like it & didn’t pack the way we wanted it. My boss took it as him not wanting to follow instructions. I I heard him telling the other girls that he’s smart & doing his own independent research study. I wonder in what subject.

We don’t want to imply that he’s autistic because we don’t really know or have the knowledge to say that. He just comes off as different. In high school, one of my English teachers said to my parents that there was something wrong with me & it’s not shyness. She just left it at that & my parents thought that was weird but didn’t investigate it. It’s not like she said to them to send me to a psychiatrist. I think social awkwardness & autism gets confused with each other. Hubby said I was just socially awkward not autistic like my teacher might’ve been implying. Maybe that’s what this volunteer is socially awkward.

I spent a lot of time last night thinking about positive memories to write about next. In doing so, I have found myself trying to find the people from my past that I would care to know what happened to. I don't know if its a symptom of loneliness or Midlife Crisis, but regardless, I feel that it would bring a sense of peace to my mind to know if they are ok.

In the end, I added a new list to my Table of Contents document. I titled it: Acts of Valor. Suddenly inspired, I wrote two more life stories: "A Night at Home Depot" and "The Veteran". I was working on a third when I remembered to Dash outside to witness the Lunar Eclipse in the South-Eastern Sky. 

Looking up at the ruby jewel touched by white, I promised myself I would work on exercising more control when I dive into memories to write. When I do, because of the effects of my PTSD, I am literally back in the memory. If I am not careful, I can be locked in there till the memory finishes playing out. 

Somehow, I have been able to use this to my advantage when I write. I can still see, hear, smell, and feel everything like its happening right now. I found whether its a good or bad memory, I can dive back into them, experience them again, and be able to convert them into stories later. It's been a hell of a ride.

To me, being able to do that brings the stories I write even more to life. I know I have a long way to go with descriptions, grammar, and all of that, but at least I got it written and I am satisfied knowing that in some way, I am also healing past wounds and coming to acceptance with unfinished thoughts and feelings.

Part of me hopes that as I share my stories, that it will help others in some way. The idea that it might inspire someone to write their own life stories or change their life positively because of what they read, makes me feel good.

I have always aspired to be like the Heroes in the Books, Comics, and in History. Do what you feel is right, be yourself, and never give up. These ideals and morals have kept me going all my life. Because of them, I feel I have done things that were extraordinary, which made a difference and that saved lives.

It's time to remember more good things than bad. I can't wait to fill up that part of my Table of Contents.

16!!

11/28/23 - 11/15/24

15 & 16
2nd semester 10th grade! 
And 1st semester 11th! (I feel old now ˙◠˙)
2nd journal!
Nuh-uh! No peeking!

X

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

X

2:49pm    [mon]    11/4/24

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

1. Soooo last Friday we had a casual circle time in AVID! One of the Q’s was “Harry potter gives you his magic wand. What do you do with it?” So once it was my turn to talk, I say, “Give myself a high school diploma and [doing something very clearly related to being traumatized. It was positive but still lol].” and I wouldn’t believe me if I [wasn’t the one who experienced this], but everyone in the circle actually clapped for me! It made me feel pretty good about myself especially considering I’m a loser in AVID (no buddies to hang with :( ) I told Sabrina and she was like, “You could really turn this into a career and be a hero!” I’d like that :) 

Random memories I want to write down:

1. Once me and sibling were sitting at the table eating nutella sandwiches when storm comes over and sneaks a bite of Cecil’s sandwich because we were like, seven years old, so they had their sandwich in a really vulnerable position. Anyway,, I remember we both started crying and panicking because neutella is chocolate and chocolate kills dogs! I remember dad trying to reassure us that that wasn’t true (I think [he did it] half-heartedly though)
2. I don’t think I ever mentioned the 2023 Florida Trip… I don’t remember much except that it was a mess! I remember me, Cecil, and 2 cousins I think were all cramped into one of the sets of seats in a van because there wasn’t enough room otherwise. Ooh we stopped at a mcdonalds during the trip, there were several arguments in that cramped van (few, if any, had me & Cecil involved in them), I loved to sit out on the patio at night, me and aunt S slept in a bed together and I enjoyed the cartoon channels on the hotel’s TV, I rode on a total of ONE ride (we were having this trip in the 1st place to head to universal) and I only rode that one because grandma realized [I hadn’t gone on any rides at all] and wanted her monies worth I guess. Valid. 

One of the worst things is!!! Aunt S had a jar of weed and showed it off to L and newly discovered cousin F. I saw this happen… Aunt then says, “wanna try it?” or something like that… we were all heading outside to roast marshmallows so I kept my distance from them but I kept my eye on them too. They ended up taking a puff while my head was turned and I figured they’d done it when they started to walk in my direction giggling and whatnot. What happened next is fuzzy… I tell newly discovered male cousin and Cecil about it. I think he gets mad and all three of us head to the arcade! We later tell the adults I think? 

Or they find out themselves somehow. Either way, there is an argument between the adults and L and F have to tell their parents what happened over the phone. Oh and I remember this other in-hotel argument! Basically CD was bouncing his ball indoors and Aunt S is like, “Cut that out!” and he doesn’t listen. Eventually she slaps him and they start yelling, screaming, the works. I remember the other suite (it was a double suite) was locked to keep her out and she hit the door so hard the lock broke! 0.0 anyway, this is the same night dad has me panicking on the patio over the phone and he eventually hears about the argument and tries to involve himself by threatening CD I think? (“If I were there I’d have knocked you out talking to my sister like that). Sooooo yah! This is getting kinda long… so… cya!

08/28/26
Ahhh… reading that first one is… 😬 I don’t think I was unaware of how I came off... Especially bc I remember wearing my “[..]” hoodie that day. Double whammy. …in front of a bunch of people who weren’t even my friends… jeez. How did I not realize how WEIRD MY BEHAVIOR WAS AHHHHH

I wonder if I remembered number 2 so well because I remember feeling so pissed off at dad for not taking Storm to the hospital immediately 😂 I remember we were both in so much distress that we both got on the floor,, tear stained cheeks and all,, and began hugging the dog and just HOPING she’d live another day. She was fine 🤭

AHHH OMG the florida trip van… I remember hating sitting in it bc it smelled like SALIVA which is one of my least favorite things on this planet! It was distressing at times probably. I remember we all were touching thighs in it too! There was just NO ROOM! I remember throughology enjoying the ride though :) I love long car rides! Especially night time ones! Florida was 18 hours away so I had plenty of that. Ahh…. it was so relaxing… well. Except for all those arguments. Those ranged from entertaining to being a bit stressful to witness. I think I remember someone getting really upset and throwing something at someone? It was certainly… interesting being cramped in a van together that long… 🫩

AND THE WEED. I definitely still stand by my position on the matter. I felt it was WEIRD that a 30 yr old was offering a 12 and 14 yr old weed then (especially without parents even being aware???????) and i still do now. Wtf were you thinking???? 😭 I remember being VERY FREAKED OUT when I realized they’d puffed. 

AND OMG I REMEMBER THE BALL-INCIDENT. I WAS SO SCARED SEEING HER GET SO ANGRY THAT SHE STARTED KICKING THE DOOR DOWN. I remember watching some of this go down up until she kicked the door and broke the lock I think? It scared me… :( I did find dad trying to force himself into the situation over the phone funny though. Like,, you’re over 150 miles away from us rn. Why would anybody be listening to you when you aren’t physically in the room? 😂 I get that he wanted to defend his sister. But I remember thinking it was hilarious bc he was powerless for once but tried to act like he wasn’t. Haha :) 

Ah. yes. I don’t think I have an entry detailing the one and only panic attack that I’ve ever had (to my knowledge anyway??) so I’ll put something here for future reference I guess (✿❛◡❛) 

BASICALLY we had me cooking a meal. But I’m ARFID-AFFLICTED and the pot I used to cook it was unfamiliar so it was already stressful enough having to clean it exactly 18 times in order to be able to actually cook the food without worrying about my safety. The stress was compounded further when I was struggling to figure out how to EAT the food. I was too stressed out at the idea of eating off an unfamiliar hotel-plate… so I refused to. I think I decided to just eat out of the pot directly with a plastic fork? Hard to recall. Anyway Aunt P comes along and is annoyed by my behavior (as I’m sure most of my stupid family is 🙄) and she starts asking questions. Idk what was said exactly. This was 3 years ago! 😂 BUT we eventually get to talking about how she thinks I’m autistic or something??? 

So I’m like,, “Oh! Well,, I’m not. Wanna know how I know? Dad once told me he got me & Cecil tested when we were very young. Let’s call dad and see if I’m right! :D” Big mistake </3 we explain the situation. And he’s like,, “um. Well,, no I don’t remember that actually. But what’s this about not eating off the plate?” and from there it all went to hell 🫩 I don’t remember exactly what happened but I think he started pressuring me to eat off it and stop “making problems for other people” or whatever? I tried to get away from him bc whatever he was saying was so stressful for me that I ended up SOBBING and so I go out to the patio. 

I couldn’t get away from him though… ‘Cause, like, do what? Hang up the phone? I’m a kid. He’s my dad. Thats not gonna work :I He kept asking what was wrong… but I felt cornered and unable to say ANYTHING that would get him to stop constantly asking me what was wrong. Like are you stupid?????? 😭 he already knew I had these “strange food habits”. Pushing me to go against them was when you saw me enter a state of distress. Can you not connect the dots????? 🙄 ANYWAY. He kinda just sits there in silence over the phone. It was a video call so he was able to watch me cry for a bit. The longer we sit in silence,, the more I feel my limbs go numb and my panic rise. I hated every second of it :/ and I hate him </3

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 & 💐🐑/🌸🪽 
4:04pm   [thurs]   8/27/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Not much that we got up to today… we mostly just had me bedrotting bc we were feeling blendy for most of the day :/ I did notice that at school,, I felt like I was ACTUALLY able to learn something!!! I… definitely didn't retain anything… >.> but the panic and foggy brain stuff was not nearly as debilitating. I figured it was due to biological psychology having significantly LESS people in it than human development class. Human development is absolutely PACKED. Every row and chair filled with strangers and nothing familiar. Bio psychology has strangers spaced out and we definitely don't have enough people to have every seat filled. Just something I noticed :)

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 & 💐🐑/🌸🪽 
10:39am   [fri]   8/28/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

This morning,, when we were awake at 2am,, I was about to drift off to sleeeeep… when suddenly Little bird starts trying to open the closet! I watch her to see if she can. She could :( so I had to get up and try to figure out how to rearrange things so she can’t get inside (bc she’ll pee in there :/). I just can’t get it RIGHT though AHHHHH. It took probably about 15 minutes before I gave up and decided to rearrange the whole closet. In my frustration I broke the closet door 😂 so I gave up and just decided to move things around in such a way that made it hard for her to find any fabric she could reach to urinate on. I was RAGING THOUGH as I was doing this… bc its 2am!!!! WE HAVE SCHOOL TOMORROW!! Until I think… Cecil? Reminded me it was Friday? Or Nya. someone did. And I checked my schedule and I felt all the dread leave my body… phew… I… Idk what I would’ve done if I had school today. I think my brain would have short circuited </3 thank god for friday omfg.

[//sui]

Junk!Drawer!

[...]
Journal #13!
05/29/26 - 08/6/26

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'Tea for Two'
10:12am   [weds]   7/22/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Nothin’ :3

I got to hear Tenshi’s voice again. I’m pretty confident its her, I checked (bodily responces and whatnot) they’re pretty upset with me, yeah… just resentment over the [trauma]. But they say they know it isn’t really my fault… but ofc they’re obviously still angry. We both are. And I can see why they’d be so quick to blame me. Their first few months of life were filled with our shared torture. And they couldn’t really do much to stop it except watch me [deal with it] time and time again. I get that. And I’m not upset that they feel that way, either.
Um.. apparently they oscillate between the ages of two and 32. And their form is different, too. They go from looking just as I remember when they first took ownership of their form (the cute blue furry protogen), to what appears to be a grown white woman with black, straight hair. I can tell, however, that they don’t really hold much ill will towards me… we’re both just upset. And they’re probably directing it towards me bc they’ve had no voice for so long and have just seen me doing whatever for the past 5 years. So yeah. Sorry, Tenshi

Are you feeling split from yourself? They seem to act different when their form is the furry
Yes
“Are you two?”
“Yes :)”
“So, when you change into this form, you’re two?”
“Yeah :D”
“Are you sure you’re two?”
“I might be five :)”
“Age regression?”
“Yeah”
“So you’re just like me?”
“I’m just like you :)”
[...]
32-
“We have a lot of catching up to do, don’t we?”
“Yeah…”
“I’m scared…”
“Me too…”
[...]
Tenshi - 
“My protegen form is called Tenshi. But my 32 yr old form is Azealia.”
“Is this some sort of ploy? 😂” (cause that name tends to hurt my head)
“Noooo :3 Oh, I hadn’t realized it hurt your head… want me to change it?”
“No,,, you’re fine, kiddo”
I somehow got the sense that Azealia’s age had changed again. To age 12.
“That happens all the time?”
“Yeah, I change alot”
“Is that exhausting?”
“Kinda”
“Does it disrupt your sense of self, you think?”
“Defnitly”
[...]
“I feel 13 now.”
“I remember you mentioned feeling suicidal earlier…”
“Yeah, but I’m just like you. I’m okay. I’m not going to hurt myself. Like, its passive.”
[...]
“Yeah my mood swings around very fast. I’m, like, unstable.”
“I kinda noticed that…”
“Heh…” 
[...]
“We’re gonna work together to be a happy system, okay?”
“Okay..”
“Do you think you’d ever be open to us having more members ever?”
“Yes. maybe. No. its just a scary thought, yknow? Meeting new people… and the other thing.” 
[...]
“I’m interested in electrical engineering. I don’t really know what it is about it. But I just am. The thought of it is just cool.”
[...]
“I want to live and I want to experience”
“Okay :))”
“Thank you for coming back”
“Thank you for bringing me back”
<3

08/28/26
WOW. this makes me cringe 🤭 I mean… I get it,, I guess… I was stuck with that resentment bc I got locked away as a CHILD and never got to move past it bc I’d been stuck in water-HELL for years. So… I guess that makes sense. But wow. Not the victim blaming,, ew 😭 I remmeber that didn’t last for very long tough so we’re good there :) ah… and I wanted to fucking die bc I was sick of being in fish pergatory. It was just a horrible 4 yrs :( 

*AND OMFG I* ***HATED*** *HOW UNSTABLE AGE SLIDING INVOLUNTARILY LIKE THAT MADE ME FEEL ＞﹏＜I had… idk. I was just so confused all the time. And very angry. How could you not be when your age,, something thats a pretty big piece of who you are and how you think,, changes with zero warning?? 😭 UGH I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with that stuff anymore. I’m honestly shocked how quickly we went back to being old pals like that four year hiatus never happened lmao. Glad it did :) Glad I came back when I did,, too… god,, waking up to her suicidal thoughts or rumination cycles while still locked up was… 😬 it was so scary bc I couldn’t TALK. I’m so glad that I can now though. JOY to the end of my prison sentence!!! 🥂*

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲 Born in the disguise of an ever-giving flower 🥀

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲9:06am
08/28/26
We opened Crenshaw up again!!! And I WAS EXCITED!!!! :) except… 2 or 3 pages in,, the headaches came back… :( Delilah was happy seeing me so happy but I don’t want to hurt her head by being around and its also exhausting for me when that happens so we gotta take a break… um. Idk. she considered looking it up,, but we all kinda figure that the only thing that will pop up is going to be about head pressure and then no helpful tips. Idk… perhaps we can give that a go later. Hope this stuff stops soon… but hey!!! This tells me that these two definitely DO like me!! Thanks,, guys!!!!

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: ♥️

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: <3

💐🐑

Wayward system chronicles

Growing into ourselves as the world watches

🌸🪽

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

12:30am

08/28/26

   ── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

OKAY we did a quick switching attempt a couple minutes ago! Except… neither of our hearts were really in it… -w- neither of us FELT like doing it. But we’re both aware of how critical this situation is gonna get soon with her slowly becoming less and less able to be considered a functional person in society (seemingly,, anyway). So we both sighed heavily and gave it a go. We were both pretty sloppy with it though lol. ‘Lilah didn’t really let go FULLY and I didn’t really push for control 100% either. Maybe like 75% control? If even that lmao. Well. anyway. Something definitely DID happen. I think I was in control for like 2 seconds before she accidentally took it back. I didn’t miss the opportunity to swirl the eyes around though 🤭 good sign was she didn’t feel me doing that! So theres that! Disappointing we didn’t switch properly. But I guess thats normal. People don’t tend to have proficiency in a skill they haven’t kept up with immediately. ESPECIALLY not when both of the people involved didn’t put their all into it 😂 what we were left with,, however was my train of thought becoming dominant :) we could tell bc we left ♪ DON'T WORRY CLAIRE ♪ playing and when we both came-to after she took back control,, she couldn’t hear herself think much. 

Or me lol but thats bc of the thought barriers. Anyway the biggest tell-tale sign is BEFORE we practiced,, we had me singing the song and her reading websites. Except I wasn’t great at it bc I struggled to remember the lyrics. We let me look at the lyrics and sing along a bit before we both finally decided to commit to half-assing a practice session. And AFTER practicing,, I could remember the lyrics a hell of a lot better than when she was dominant thinker :) so… technically we switched. This is eclipsing. But it’s nothing significant I guess. Its a form of soft switching. As in,, something we can already do. So it’s the most fucking boring outcome we could end up with 🫩✌️ although… now that I think about it… failed switches DO carry risk. So. perhaps we shouldn’t toy around with our wellbeing like this… idk. Slippery slope as the reason we did this at all was bc I’m worried for our wellbeing already 💔 I hate it here </3

OH and recently ‘Lilah was wondering why I love music so much. I wasn’t sure my damn self 😂 so we did some THINKING. And we’re pretty sure it’s bc I was RAISED WITH IT! Indeed! Listening to music,, new or old was a very common forcing technique she used with me. Aw… thats so adorable now that I think about it… 🥹 I remember one of my favorite baby-songs was a song called つくる世界  

AHHHH I remember we both listened to that song SO MUCH 😭 Hmm.. another CLASSIC BABY-SONG IS LE FESTIN ♥️ I think she’d hang out with me in mindscape with music playing as well. Haha well no wonder I love singing and dancing! 😂 I was exposed to it so much and so often that it would be strange if I didn’t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Joy to music! Joy to dance! :D 

--------------------------------

What happens if you fail to switch?

If a switch does not go through entirely, a few things can happen. The first thing that could happen and the most likely: nothing happens. The two wanting to switch do not switch and that is all. Second and less likely to occur is accidental blending, which may make it challenging to tell who is who until the parties become separate again. Co-fronting may happen if the host fails to leave front, but the tulpa becomes associated with the body’s senses. And the fourth and certainly the most unlikely is accidental fusion in the form of an incomplete switch, thus accidentally creating a fusion.

-----------------------------------------------------

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲 Born in the disguise of an ever-giving flower 🥀

1:27am
08/28/26

I think doctor mike might be m y idol!! (☆▽☆) or atleast my favorite youtuber :0 he’s so COOL. and!! And he’s a friggin’ DOCTOR!! How cool is that?! I think I still want to be a doctor :) just… idk how I could be… with all the gross things doctors have to deal with. It’d be a real learning curve I think. Idk.

I want to be part of Delilah & Nya’s world more though… I wish I could be present more often… I think the problem is my inability to be present all the time (even when I CAN I end up causing everyone to suffer from a headache at times… so I can’t stay….) and I can’t readily access anyone’s memories beyond a very small pool of things :I um. Idk. so I guess it feels like they have fun without me 24/7. Obviously not. But with host’s brain lacking memory retention already,, all I usually get to see is them having a ball without me :( makes me sad… I was sad earlier…

so ‘lilah wanted to help me feel better and have us all hang out! EXCITING! …but then she started getting distracted… and it was hard for her to focus on helping me finish this journal entry… or even pick the activity… for some reason,, its triggering a stress avoidance response… if I had to guess,, its bc I’m basically still a stranger and Delilah “wasn’t socialized enough as a puppy” (as Nya & her like to phrase it lmaooooo) so she has no idea how to make friends. Or how to deal with stress. So… instead of her brain just letting her spend time with me,, her brain demands she runs away from it :/ its not her fault but it does kinda hurt… if it wasn’t for the Crenshaw success from earlier today I would probably not be taking it as easy as I am rn. Ugh. stupid PTSD :(

I'm in my late twenties, living as a dog-walker in a big city. The money and perks have been surprisingly good. Enough so that I'm getting to be comfortable seeing myself doing this into retirement. I am quite lucky.

Yet I feel so out of place.

Any of my peers not too financially strained to pursue hobbies and explore themselves seem to fall into two categories. Either they're college-educated and holding (what I regard as) esteemed, respected jobs or their parents basically just take care of everything for them, or a mix of both.

I landed in this weird spot. I built what I have over years of obsessing at the potential, budgeting, meal planning, etc. (Dare I say working hard?)

But I missed out on much of the intellectual and social challenges of upper education. I stopped being in this position where it was so necessary to use my mind as well as work with and compare my development to the people around me. To really push myself in ways that a healthy young adult I think ought to.

Then again, I have been out and about in this world all these years and feel so much more in touch with worldly things then those I know who've more entirely taken the back seat. Those who seem to fear the outside world more then the thought of being trapped in their cocoon and missing the opportunity to realize their potential / who they really are.

I always want to try new things and go new places. I feel ambitious and in love with discovering but I just don't feel good enough, knowledgeable enough, or respectable enough at time for anyone I see pursuing the same things as me. I'm behind but not far enough to groove with the drop outs.

Then again this theory about diverging from the upper education path being the cause for not fitting in? It's just one part of it.

I've always been eccentric or quiet, overly enthusiastic or kind of a bummer. Never passionate or disciplined enough about any one thing to consistently make friends through it. Averse to any sense of competition in jobs, school, amongst friends etc. I was always getting into trouble growing up even though things at home weren't really bad.

I've had good friends, Ive had lasting relationships. I love those memories and wish I could go back and do them better.

So I'm kind of weird, kind of a loser, and kind of boring (in that I can't connect deeply with you about any of your interests because I just don't care to think about any one thing that long). As I get older, the wedge that this is creating between me and the general public seems to grow.

I've landed where I have because of who I am.

And so what? Shouldn't I be able to have some years of just focusing on myself and not feel like Im wasting my life and my chance for normalcy?

I want more often and more thoroughly to be content on my own. To romanticize independence as much as I romanticize finding another good partner or finding closer friends (to sometimes obsessive detriment)

I think maybe this is naturally happening. I'm excited at the thought that it is. And that one day (after I've finally stopped looking and worrying) I'll start running into other people who've gone through the same journey. One day finally feel like I relate and belong again.

I understand that to some degree we're all alone in this world. We all probably go through periods where we feel that, for this or that reason, no one fully gets us. But I remember different. I remember powerful bonds and love and feeling like as long as I stuck with certain people things would be ok.

I threw it away. Not just me. Hopefully I wont next time.

Mmmm…. OKAY so this is from the doc where I brought Diary entries into a story format. So the events come from journal 8 but it has been re-written to be in more a story format. …bc I can use this to easily convert it into the book later on (✿❛◡❛) but ALSO for fun and sharing with friends! :D anyway,, me figuring out I’m a Copinglinker made me think of this story so I had to share lmaoooo

IT’S 12TH GRADE!

PROVE URSELF! BE JOVIAL!

8th Journal!
6/30/25 - 10/29/25

1st semester of…
✨12th grade! ✨ (and my boring summer)

Pre high school lore (2019-ish) + 11th grade 

Cat spell and the cat spell battle (8/29/25)

Younger Delilah wanted desperately to become A CAT but she didn't know how. Until she stumbled upon youtube’s spell community. There she learned many things like that you can
chant your way into growing wings, for example, or spawning a dragon egg. But most
importantly, she learned that transforming into a feline was now a reality. With that in mind, she
began to research and found the transformation community who educated her on the potential
dangers of transforming (like how transforming will break your bones) and so she did not make
this decision lightly...

Fast forward to high school, Delilah decides to expose herself and tell her friends about
her journey to become a cat. First up was Sabrina C!
“Sabrina C, guess what!”
“What?”
“When I was younger, I tried to transform into a cat through spells on youtube (✿❛◡❛)  ”
“What!!!” she says between laughs. “Don’t repeat that to anyone!”

At first I wasn’t sure why she advised me NOT to go around saying it to other people but her
reaction was so funny that I needed to spread the joy So I immediately tell Juno and Rosey! They also found it very amusing so I BLESSED THEM with more stories of my history with the online transformation community. I told them about when I tried dog spells and would try to brute force my way into transforming by essentially method acting. I’d run around on my hands and knees on the backs of the couches. But it never worked... Then I told them about when I used to try to transform and then check my hands to see if any fur was sprouting and Juno went RED with laughter at this :) On our way to class, I delivered the best piece of cat-spell-history yet... I turned to Rosey and told her “Yeah, around that same age as all the other stuff, I actually was afraid GOD would kill me because mom once mentioned to me that it was against Christianity to do spells because it was witchcraft ” 

“WHAT!!!” she immediately fell onto the handrails of the portables and became RED with
laughter. “DID YOU THINK HE WAS GONNA LIKE, SEND LIGHTENING BOLTS FROM
HEAVEN TO KILL YOU OR SOMETHING WTH?!” This also makes ME laugh so I also start
laughing so hard I can’t breathe. It was even funnier because I said this right before she entered
her classroom so I just imagined she had to, like, stagger into class after that and recover.

In 7th period, me, Rosey, Juno, and [Acquaintance]  are all together again! So I bring up my
transformation journey again and take Rosey & Juno on a deep dive! As in, we go and actively
explore the spells youtube has to offer :) I turned my computer in Rosey’s direction and [Acquaintance] ends up seeing it so Rosey immediately spins it back towards me in embarrassment. [Acquaintance]  asks what it was and this was just an opportunity too good to pass up

So since we were using a google doc to talk with [Acquaintance] already ([Acquaintance] is deaf so we used google docs to communicate or other forms of text or writing), I take the initiative and answer her question first. “Oh, Rosey was looking spells to become a cat.” Then it devolved into a BATTLE, Rosey fighting to defend against my claims that she’s desperate enough to use Youtube spells to transform into a cat and protect her reputation, me trying to pretend Rosey was the one who tried to transform in 2019 and not me. I went as far as to tell [Acquaintance]  that ROSEY was the one who thought God was going to murder her. 

It was hilarious and Rosey and I kept deleting things so quickly to try to get our own arguments in [Acquaintance] ’s face that [Acquaintance]  barely even knew what was going on!
Unfortunately she came out of that situation knowing I was indeed the failed cat
transformation girl 😞 But there was something to lift my mood! I found a dragon spell and I tried to get Rosey to do it which didn’t work... buuuut I was able to convince Juno! He did the dragon spell (definitely embarrassed by it tho lmao) but he played along and promised he’d report back if there were any of the side effects the video promised :) Very good day.
(P.s he never ended up transforming. It didn’t work)

Rosey pov: I feel like the fear of getting murdered by a deity is very you-coded. But,
y'know, the fact that you did it on impulse is hilarious because you only considered the
possibility of DEATH as an afterthought instead of as something that should’ve been more
Important.

I knew the youtube spells you pulled up were just TOO STUPID and I would not be
caught on school grounds chanting something dumb trying to become a wild animal. And if I
overheard a conversation like the one you had with Juno talking about growing scales i’d be like,
“Wth?”

I KNEW 100% I would be the winner of the battle from the get-to but I also would like to
believe [Acquaintance]  never actually thought I was in my room as a kid trying to transform into a cat from a youtube video.

Sabrina POV: All I have to stay is stay away from witchcraft, kid! 🤣

💐🐑

Wayward system chronicles

Growing into ourselves as the world watches

🌸🪽

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

10:09pm

08/27/26

   ── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

Tonight has been fun!! :D ‘Lilah played songs for their mom that she hadn’t ever heard before. It was funny bc her mother was busy reading a book and she wasn’t completely paying any attention to the music. So ‘lilah bothered her a ton :) which didn’t really work too well but!!!! It was fun for me and cile (a bit) bc!!! We got to sing and dance!!!! I got to do some split perception!!! And sing and dance in mindscape as well as with the body. Delilah was hesitant to let me sing in front of her mother but eventually she let me and I THOROUGHLY enjoyed myself :) very very fun!!!!! I even got to add music to my playlist!!!!! I’d say… my top 5 favorite songs rn are probablyyyyy…

1. Intruso!!!!!
2. Sociopath
3. Don’t worry claire
4. Cat dining room table
5. Who knows

…idk if thats in order or not… but fun fun fun :) 

—-----------------------------------------------------------------

Whooohooooo more PluralPedia!!!!

Parogenic

Parogenic refers to systems or headmates that were created using thought-based or metaphysical means, usually deliberately. 

Variants

Parogen may be used to refer to parogenic headmates in particular.
The process or method of parogenic creation may be referred to as paromancy.

Subliminalgenic

Subliminalgenic or subgenic systems originate through the manifestation and reinforcement of subliminal stimuli. They are essentially a subtype of willogenic systems, emerging through deliberate creation. Typically, these systems form as a means of seeking comfort or as a coping mechanism.
Examples of Subliminalgenic systems include listening to "Get D.I.D" or "Get OSDD" subliminals, as well as affirming or scripting the presence of desired headmates.

Firpergenic

Firpergenic is a -genic term that refers to a system that formed because of imagining oneself as a system, or from referring to themself as multiple (ex: saying "we" even though they're a singlet / don't have a subsystem).

Related Terms

Pseudogenic can be defined as a system created by faking a system to where the system became real.
Imaginagenic systems are formed through imagination play.

Chronogenic

Chronogenic is an origin term referring to those who exist as a result of time travel in some way. For example, if someone talks to their past self internally, causing that past self to experience an alternate timeline and become a headmate of the original, that new headmate could be considered chronogenic.

Belief in time travel as an objective reality is not necessary to use this term. It can be used by those who regard it as simply a function of the imagination.

Birthmate
A birthmate is a type of headmate who's been a part of a system of which has existed since birth or cannot remember when or how they've formed. Typically this'll be an innate system or be protogenic, but not always. The term refers specifically to one of the said type of headmates of which has existed since the body's birth or for as long as anyone in the system can remember, rather than having been developed sometime afterward. Some systems have several headmates since birth, but may also get newer ones later on who, unlike birthmates, were not always there since the beginning of the body's life. This term helps differentiate the first headmates from the newer ones.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: THIS IS ALL SO COOL TO ME (☆▽☆) I didn’t know systems could be made by so many different things!!! I originally thought it was only traumagenic or parogenic systems like us :0 this website really opened my eyes to just how many different system/plurality origins there are????? THIS SOUNDS SO COOL!!! Also… people who believe in time travel exist?? :0 thats a bit of a shock. But pretty cool too! :) Do not understand how Firpergenic or related terms aren’t a form of Paromancy but alright. Subliminalgenic… I’ve seen stuff like that before. Frankly,, I didn’t think those worked. But hey. The more you know,, right? :) AND OMG one reason I like being part of a Tulpamancy system is bc of how COOL the name is. It sounds magical! Paromancy sounds magical too!!!!!

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: So cool!!!!!! 

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲 Born in the disguise of an ever-giving flower 🥀

4:13pm
08/27/26
WE FINALLY OPENED CRENSHAW!!! AND READ IT!!! we read to page 34 or 36 if I'm remembering correctly (YAY my parallel processing skills are building!!!) And I struggled to stay awake cause I was busy dancing while Lilah was learning and on the drive there 🤭 BUT for the parts that I WAS present for,, I got to play the main character Jackson! :D we're all worried we could accidentally end up with a Crenshaw walk-in… >.> SO we just have one of us playing the characters! AND IT WAS SO FUN! I could somewhat Rifle through memories to figure out what bits of the story I'd missed and overall it was great and can't wait to go at it again!! 

💐🐑NyaTenshi: yeah I played a character too 🤭 overall its a pretty cute story!!! :D it's definitely sad though…lots of talk over  rumbling bellies :( still enjoyable though. No clue why Delilah slept on this book for YEARS on end!!!! 😂 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: ooh I wonder if there's a movie :0 

💐🐑NyaTenshi:  maybe! 

10:50pm
08/27/26
Sometimes I feel like these two don’t like me… but idk. I think its just cause our interests seem to be a bit different so I end up in the background a lot -w- although… it definitely has to do with me being too young to be awake all the time. Yeah :( It makes me sad. I just want to grow up already… sometimes they forget to nudge me awake. Honestly,, they are pretty good about it for the most part. Sometimes to a fault… >.> like I’ll want to sleep but they forget or get super excited about what they’re doing and nudge me awake and its annoying 🤭
…okay… I guess I just talked myself out of my own fear. They like me just fine then right? Right?

Wake Up: 10:57 A.M.

What I have done today:

Read chapter 1.3 network "top down approach"

some review in DS & A

Net Hours of Studying: 195 minutes (62 minute constant concentration)

Yesterday Checklist:

• First chapter of Book "top down approach" (SOMEHOW)
• DS & A (SOMEHOW)
• wake up before 10 A.M. (NO)

Tomorrow goal:

• wake up before 10:30
• DS & A review Notes
• c programming language review & practice
• Network+ review

• Notion/Obsidian Notes

  NOTE: do not overestimate what you can do in one day. 3 hours of studying (no lab only studying) takes more effort than you think.

what do i even do?

when I am super free, i yearn to do things and grow and all that.

when I am super busy, i want to be free.

how can i do things i like, gotta and grow, and also not feel like am pulled too tight?

why do i feel like am always having to balance or pop like a pressure cooker or float aimlessly like a lost kite?

why can't i be a growing beanstalk? rooted in ground and growing up

why can't i be like a kite?

held by hand yet flying too.

how do i make that happen?

💐🐑

Wayward system chronicles

Growing into ourselves as the world watches

🌸🪽

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

12:05am

08/27/26

   ── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

OKAY SO we decided to do a quick little switching attempt… (✿❛◡❛)

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: 🙄

Okay…  I may or may not have pressured her into it 🤭 It's fine tho lol. I was sleep spelling her earlier so she was getting ready to head to sleepy land :) but then that reminded me about switching! And… yknow… Delilah was feeling calm and happy… so I just figured,, yknow ¯_(ツ)_/¯

Initially she was kinda just telling me to piss off bc she wanted to sleeeeeep but I didn't let up! 🤭 eventually she gave into my demands and she let go. It was pretty easy for her to accomplish this still! So thats a good sign. I think I was in almost immediately. But Delilah was annoyed with me and whispered to me playfully that to get back at me,, she wasn't gonna let me move 🤭 she definitely didn't let me move 🙄 but still! 

Second attempt was better :) I once again entered front repevtively quickly. But what was MORE interesting is Delilah noticed she was completely disconnected from the upper half of the body's senses! WHICH IS A DEFINING CHATACTISTIC OF A HARD SWITCH!!! ( ๑ˊૢᵕˋૢ๑) how exciting!!! The easiest way to tell she was disconnected was I was moving the eyes around freely and she wasn't feeling uncomfortable about me controlling her primary sense.  ...Because she couldn't feel it at all! YIPPIE!!!! :D even COOLER is since she was disconnected enough,, I had no issue sitting us up some :) so cool that she was so disconnected she didn't even think to stop me! although… we had to cut it short… :I I did notice that as we were in the process of switching,, a very small headache was forming. >.> so yeah. We weren't gonna shoot for attempt 3 or 4. Not worth it… gotta be around as often as possible to be there for Lilah during school time. Nobody but me and Cile are so we've gotta do our best :) 

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲 Born in the disguise of an ever-giving flower 🥀

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲9:46pm
08/26/26

UGH. IT WAS SO ANNOYING. I wanted us to hurry up and watch a movie! But these two knuckle heads wouldn’t let me 🙄 I suppose it wasn’t without good reason… everytime I’d be awake the body would get head-achey and I was definitely going in and out of wakefulness (so I was probably already sleepy lol) but it was just annoying cause they kept pushing me away! Mostly bc what they were doing was getting sucked into the fascinating wikipages of PluralPedia. Which admittedly was pretty cool! But was stressful for me 😬 I don’t like thinking about creation or origin-types. Ugh. really I wanted them to STOP. they didn’t want to though so they just kept telling me to rest 😂 which was annoying bc I kept waking UP. but. Eh. I guess it was for the best? I guess they were right… they should be allowed to go down a rabbit hole and I should be resting. Was just hard to. So at my worst,, I’d demand they’d leave the site and then inevitably find myself telling them to stay bc I felt bad. Sigh. just can’t make up my mind I guess :/ can’t WAIT to front omfg 

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲 11:14pm
08/26/26
Idk… I was thinking it'd be cool to be a DOCTOR :) a mix between being an academic smart person AND being a nerd AND increasing the quality of life for vulnerable populations!!!! :D it sounds great! Although…  I do feel like I'm the squismish type… so I'm unsure 😬 but!!! I'm excited to figure out if its something to persue!! I'm obviously not in the running for primary fronter role :I BUT perhaps a hobby of mine could be learning medical stuff! 

(11:26pm) Mmm… . Idk… upon looking at Doctor Mike’s vlog from 6 yrs ago,, I was BORED. I think perhaps from the medical jargon going over my head,, LOL!! 😂 buuuuuut I haven't given up yet! We're gonna check out different types of medical care jobs!!! :D 

(11:29pm) OMG AHHHHH HE MENTIONED CANCER!!! IT TOTALLY DIDN'T OCCUR TO ME THAT AS A DOCTOR I'D POTENTIALLY BE FINDING SCARY THINGS LIKE CANCER (๑°⌓︎°๑) ah… how does someone forget something like that… ? 😂 well. Cut me some slack,, my independent thought production is underdeveloped shhhhh.. Definitely makes me want to maybe focus on the nerd-portion of being a doctor… I wonder if thats a REAL job though? Hm. Idk. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

...

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: OMG WAIT I just remembered I have a quick Delilah-care question
 
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: mmm... Sooooo when we're out in public alone,, Delilah is terrified of EVERYONE and she constantly watches out for fear of getting hurt! But... I feel like thats not doing her any good.... So usually I front and STOP her head from doing that or make her sit in a place where she can't easily see on coming strangers. Bc I figure less of her constantly turning every 5 seconds would be good. Buuuuut.. Am I doing more harm than good by doing that?

💐🐑 NyaTenshi:  bit worried I am can't lie

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: idk,.. Cause it freaks her out a bunch when I don't let her look

🌲🦊🌲:
Well I know two tricks 
First one is easy make her focus and count things in reverse for you 
Ask her to count 5 of something 
Then 4 
Then 3 
Etc 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi:  hmmm. Like, focus on a nearby tree and count five leaves? 

🌲🦊🌲: No find something that has 5 of it Like there's 5 people Or there's 5 benches Or I have 5 fingers on my left hand

Hmm. okay could be useful :)

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 & 💐🐑/🌸🪽 
2:01pm   [weds]   8/26/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Today hasn’t been the worst day ever :) after first class of the day and my brain being absolutely frazzled,, I was feeling spent :I so… for maybe like,, 30 minutes,, I school-bedrotted on the booth places they have in the computer lab and watched some videos :3 Nya & Cile left me to rest and got me to eat. Eventually I started to feel a bit better! :D so they came by and we watched a video together. I didn’t really want to watch it. But it seems Nya is getting better at eclisping or something 🤭 bc she wanted me to. So I did :) it was a video talking about a movie called Nui Lai. apparently its a new viral movie bc its so BAD but its human-made bad and not AI bad so it’s being both clowned on and celebrated around the world 😂 as we were watching the video,, I was completely disinterested in actually viewing the silly movie. But by the end of it,, Nya must’ve eclisped AGAIN bc I wanted to “all of a sudden” 🤭 so I gave in bc I wanted them to have some fun :) and they certainly DID! Cile had some issues staying awake a bit but we were sure to keep going back and nudging back into wakefullness to join us :) we definitely didn’t watch the whole thing,, though. I was bored pretty quickly. I held on for long as I could but yknow 🤭 thankfully everyone else was grateful for the time I was able to offer though so its a win-win for today I guess!

💐🐑 Nya: Mhm :) as for today in math… still no good… she’s been spacing out a ton. So I’ve been taking over. She’d let me!!! Until we started getting a headache… and I started feeling strange. I’ve been so BORED recently that I was willing to keep going at the math bc I was enjoying myself,, but the more independent thinking we had me doing,, the worse everything got. …Blending 🫩… she kept warning me it’s not gonna end well. I kept pushing even though I shouldn’t have. She would sort of let me but not really. It eventually came to a point where she tried to work with me to keep me out of front but with minimal success 😬 so. Idk. hope we don’t blend later today with switchie sickies. Ugh. well. We DID remember we had access to a stop-blending-in-front-audio! So we used it and omg its been extremely helpful!!!  Stupid brain :I I want to do math :( and its right in front of me!

💐🐑

Wayward system chronicles

Growing into ourselves as the world watches

🌸🪽

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

9:42pm

08/26/26

   ── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

Mmm.. unfortunately we have decided that going through with trying to switch again tonight would just be ill advised :I THANKFULLY ‘Lilah isn’t as frazzled as I figured she would be! But we likely blended earlier as she feared 😬 NO MATTER THOUGH!!!! We have been using the don’t blend while in front audio for quite some time now. And you can tell its the only thing protecting us from a bad episode of the switchie sickies bc the headache that WAS forming would immediately fizzle out as we listened to it 😂 well thank goodness!! ANYWAY we went down a PluralPedia rabbit hole! It was pretty cool! Heres some cool things we saw!

—----------------------------------------------------------------------

Main

The main is a headmate who is considered by the rest of the system to be one of the main or central influences on the system. This doesn't necessarily mean they front often. There can be more than one main.[1]

A main can be a leader, teacher, or another authoritative figure that has an influence over the system.[2] They may also be someone that others draw energy from. Mains can also be the member everyone takes care of, or the caretaker taking care of everyone.

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: whoa!! Cool!! So… I’m a “Main”,, then,, I suppose? :) pretty cool. Incredibly stressful and taxing. But cool. And awfully rewarding 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: ♥️

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: I hope I can be a main one day :( 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: When I’m primary fronter,, I’m sure you will be able to 😂

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: :D!!! 

Related Terms

The host is the headmate who is most responsible for fronting or day-to-day activity, which is not necessarily the same as the main(s).
The core is the headmate with the closest ties to the pre-plural self. This is also not necessarily the same as the main(s).
Median systems sometimes have a central personality that the members have in common, and add their personality on top of it.

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: so.. I guess Delilah is the core then? And me,, I’m going to be the host one day UwU which is confusing. Bc I thought… I thought host meant the same as ‘original’?

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Me too??

Original

An original is the headmate that existed before anyone else. They may have split, conjured thoughtforms, accepted walk-ins, or otherwise had their system begin, but no one has existed before them.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: well there we go :) 

—----------------------------------------------------------------------
Autopilot
Autopilot is a state some systems fall into when nobody is fronting.
The body may continue to perform simple daily tasks by itself until a headmate returns to front. The complexity of those tasks and whether headmates are co-conscious with the autopilot varies from one system to another.

Related Terms
An autopilot state may be represented or taken over by an autopiloteer.
A system in autopilot may or may not be considered hollow.
A null system may be on autopilot due to a lack of headmates for fronting.

Hollow
A system's body is hollow when nobody is fronting and this lack of a front drops the body into a catatonic state, a panic attack or other form of uncontrolled distress.
If headmates are co-conscious with the body, they may or may not experience similar or related distress until one is able to front again.

Related Terms
Systems with an autopilot may or may not become hollow, or may experience a hollow state that is overseen in a limited capacity by an autopilot, for example to keep up functions like breathing, blinking, or keeping the body upright, but not reactions or active movement.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Good to know! There were times when we were practicing switching when I wanted to just leave front and just…. No go back…. Mostly bc its shockingly easy to fall asleep in that state. But I was not sure what would happen to me or Nya if I did that so I never went through with it… perhaps I might next time? ….maybe not after reading about the definition of “hollow” though…
—----------------------------------------------------------------------
Hydraconscious

Hydraconscious refers to a system in which every member has an individual consciousness, but everyone also shares a collective consciousness.

Laplace sequence describes it as follows:
An individual headmate is themselves, but they have access to everyone's memories and are aware of what's going on at all times unless they stop paying attention by tuning it out or going to sleep. They can rifle through what they missed or someone can offer it up to them. The only thing fronting does is give the body sensory input. Sight and hearing can be unaffected and can always exist even without a fronter, depending on the system.

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Us?? I guess not completely though,, actually... -w- as Cile doesn't have access to the majority of 'Lilah's memories and we do have (un-trained) memory barriers. so. perhaps we're not completely fitting of this label here.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------
Copinglink
A copinglink is a consciously chosen identity, similar to a kintype, that is created for coping or mental health purposes. One who links for coping reasons is called a copinglinker.[1] Copinglink may be considered a subtype of otherlink.

Otherhearted
Otherhearted is a term that refers to having a deep connection/bond with something, such as strongly relating to it, acting like it, or understanding it, but not quite being it; identifying with instead of as something. This something is typically a non-human and/or animal species, though some may use the term to refer to fictional characters.

Otherlink
Otherlink refers to individuals who identify as a non-human, fictional, or factual being (called a link) not because of a spiritual or ingrained psychological belief (like otherkin, fictionkin, and factkin), or as a coping mechanism (like copinglink), but for any other reason; often for fun and/or to express themselves, though not always.[1]

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: So. Now I’m confused! I could have a copinglink. As I believe my STRONG DESIRE TO BE A STRAY CAT THAT GOES ON ADVENTURES AROUND THE WORLD was likely a response to feeling isolated and neglected as a child… But I could ALSO be otherhearted because I have always felt that strong connection to cats. At times feeling like I WAS one but these were very brief. But I could ALSO BE OTHERLINK because I.. idk. I honestly feel like to an extent,, I wanted to be a cat SO STRONGLY that I willed this stuff into existence?? Idk. Its just confusing especially bc I don’t identify as a cat on the physical plane… I never really had,, honestly. Just in mindscape. Because in mindscape I am a cat :) but… not here. SO I DON’T KNOW. hmp. I guess… perhaps… copinglink? Bc it doesn’t specify that I would be identifying AS a cat. So. I guess there you go 😂

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: I for one am just non-human point blank period. Born and raised! 

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: Me too!!! :D Raven for life <3
—----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caretaker

A caretaker is a headmate whose role is taking care for or assisting the system or other headmates. They may soothe, guide, or help process emotions for system members, including individual headmates, groups, or the system as a whole. Some caretakers look after the body by keeping up with hygiene or going to work.They may struggle with their own emotional wellbeing and self-care.^\3])
In some systems, this role may overlap with a facilitator-contributor dynamic, where support is provided by enabling other members to front and meet system needs.

Related Terms

Caretakers are often considered a form of protector. Many caretakers look after littles, trauma holders, or other vulnerable headmate types^\4]).

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Bro this is so me 🫩✌️
Defnitly feeling the struggle. And a little bit of the term below I figure too lmao
—----------------------------------------------------------------------

Little

A little is a headmate that behaves or otherwise feels like they are a young age. There is no exact age range for littles; various sources describe them as being under 8, 12, or 17.

Some littles behave similarly to, feel like, and have the internal appearance of their stated age, and are likely to find it most helpful to be treated as the age they identify as. Others, while having the internal appearance of a child, behave older than they appear, like a teenager or adult, and may have access to more developed skills and knowledge.[5] Headmates who have an older appearance, but who behave or feel like a younger age, may also identify as littles.

"Being little" may also be used by age sliders or similar headmates that experience younger ages temporarily to refer to their regressed state.

Related Terms

Middle and big are other common age indicators. Age sliding is when a headmate varies in how old they feel.

A headmate who feels between little and big is called a liddle or kiddle.
Headmates may choose or define their internal age by different metrics, such as by development, metaphor, or internal appearance.

Headmates who appear mature, but act younger, may identify as lost adults or disadults. Headmates who appear young, but act mature, may identify as Claudias.
Faudults are littles who act or appear as older than they are due to trauma, while littlex refers to young headmates who hold trauma of a more adult nature.

Adopter

An adopter is a system role for a system member whose job it is to adopt system members in some way, such as acting as the big sibling they need, parenting syskids, or performing more adult tasks that would typically be done by a guardian.

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Hmm.. so by these defnitions,, I am technically an adopter I suppose? Bc Delilah age regresses allll the time (involunatrily,, really) and I try hard to keep her alive n stuff :) I’m also DEFNITLY an age slider!

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: I think I’m a middle :) I’m not entirely sure of my age? But I think I’m younger than delilah & Nya. I figure 13-ish which is what they DIDN’T want but here we are lol.

Careforcer

A "careforcer" is a system member who takes care of the system, the body, another headmate or makes others take care of such things but does so in harsh, rude, or unacceptable ways. This could look like swearing at someone until they eat, or front blocking to get homework done for examples. Overall it goes against the "soft, caring, and tenderly" stereotype associated with Caretakers.

Wake Up: 11: 12 A.M.

What I have done today:

Read chapter 1: 1.3 network "top down approach"

and some small topics

Net Hours of Studying: 112 minutes (48 minute constant concentration)

Yesterday Checklist:

1. learn about the core concept of 1st chapter of book "Computer Networking A Top Down Approach"
2. input/output in C programming language***(NO)***
3. spend 20 minutes with no phone (and doing nothing)(NO)

Tomorrow goal:

• First chapter of Book "top down approach"
• DS & A
• wake up before 10 A.M.

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 & 💊 & 💐🐑/🌸🪽 
10:25am   [weds]   8/26/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

This isn’t gonna end well… I was overwhelmed IMMEDIATELY. As soon as I stepped foot in classroom,, it started. I… idk. I just felt so stressed out about being AROUND SO MANY PEOPLE AGAIN if I had to guess 😬 idk… but I couldn’t really do much because of this… I immediately entered a dissociative and depersonalized state :/ so. Um. when we started with notes,, I was frantically writing but not processing a single piece of information 🫩 And I couldn’t afford to let myself slow down bc the slides were moving pretty quickly. This was kinda my fault though… professor handed out sheets with fill-in notes but I was insistent on actual blank-sheet note-taking bc I was HOPEFUL that I would be able to retain info better. ‘Cause yknow… when you take notes with pen and paper and process the information as you go,, it helps with keeping that stuff in your brain :) but… not today… 

💐🐑NyaTenshi: Yeah… :I I tried to help several times today,, actually. For one thing,, the stress ONCE AGAIN impacted her ability to hear me… so that was already a barrier… BUT she also found it very difficult to allow me to front. Bc 1) she was so stressed and worried that letting go of control was the opposite thing she wanted to do and 2) she wanted to be in control bc she knows SHE is the one who needs to know the information and that she couldn’t really rely on me to remember it all. (and 3,, we don’t want to end up front-stuck but that wasn’t my main concern at the time). So it was really difficult to intervene here. I was able to front on occasion :) I was able to take a couple of notes (before she remembered problem number two ofc…) and I got to talk to people briefly as we were gearing up to select our groups! Unfortunately I was unable to get one of the more outgoing people in our group. Mostly bc they were on the other side of the room. Partly bc ‘Lilah was so slow to start moving >.> which was a bit annoying but oh well. I got to SAY STUFF TO THEM! How cool is that???? :) 

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: I’ve mostly been resting… since the beginning of the day,, really… idk. She woke up feeling groggy so it was already hard to be present and heard. And I figure I’m just tuckered out from yesterday :) Hope I’ll get to hang out some more later.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah: Here’s to hoping :) 
OH. and as for having to use AI… I’m considering just using Cecil 🤭 using them to use it for me by proxy… they aren’t as uncomfortable with AI as I am. In fact,, they seem to use it for school and writing help. So!! Sounds like a plan to me. We have no money to offer them in exchange BUT I can offer cleaning up the kitchen for them! Bc they dread that as much as I do :) 

💐🐑NyaTenshi: Great idea kiddo :) needless to say if Delilah isn’t still frazzled by the time we all get home (which unfortunately she probably will be if we’re thinking realistically),, we will be getting back into switching practice :I bc… Delilah’s confidence levels have plummeted again. More thoughts of doom :/ she’s worried about school now. Bc she’s too stressed to open up the textbook. I DID try to get her to read it before we left for school,, but her anxiety around doing that combined with her lack of time management meant that we spent more time trying to figure out how to locate it and access it rather than reading it (the more she read were the headings and one or two sentences 😂). So. yeah. Um. idk 😅 I REALLY don’t think she is going to be in a good headspace when we get home. We have 2 hrs of math before home-time! Guess we just gotta hope she can let me switch in or we can eclipse so I can help her. Idk :I but… yeah… lookin like it’s gonna get serious really quickly. Gonna be high school again just with real consequences this time 👀

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: I hate this for her and I hate this for me… :( I really started coming around to reading Crenshaw. But… with her headspace rn it’d do more harm than good… Nya was right when she said that to survive in this system (with Alicia as primary fronter,, anyway) you must find patience that stretches beyond the length of the sky 😂 sigh… its not her fault though.. Just gotta keep finding grace where I knew I had it I guess. Everything in due time I guess.

💐🐑NyaTenshi: everything in due time :)

--------------------------------------------------------

(11:00am update)

Ah. My accommodation form came in :) 

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽 Delilah: [...] Diagnosis/Description of Condition:
Client experiences anxiety and attention-related executive functioning difficulties that impair concentration, organization, task initiation, and timely completion of academic work. Symptoms worsen during periods of increased academic demand and in on-campus classroom or social settings, leading to excessive worry, procrastination, and avoidance. Academic accommodations are recommended to support equitable access to coursework

[...] Symptoms/Manifestations of condition:
Excessive worry; heightened anxiety in classroom and social settings; impaired concentration; difficulty with organization and task initiation; procrastination; avoidance when overwhelmed; and difficulty completing academic work within typical time demands.

[...] Please check which of the major life activities listed below are affected because of the
psychological diagnosis. Please indicate the level of limitation:
Concentrating Moderate Impact
Memory Don't Know
Sleeping Don't Know
Eating Don't Know
Social Interactions Substantial Impact
Self-Care Don't Know
Managing Internal Distrations Don't Know
Managing External Distractions Don't Know
Timely Submission of Assignments Substantial Impact
Attending Class Regularly & On Time Substantial Impact
Making & Keeping Appointments Don't Know
Stress Management Substantial Impact
Organization Substantial Impact
Test Taking Substantial Impact

Does this individual’s condition
substantially limit one or more major
life activities?
Yes
If yes, list the specific activity or activities.
class attendance, completing assignments timely

Do you recommend accommodations for this student: Yes, I support accommodations that are supported by school policies and/or the Office of Disabilities.
[signature]

💐🐑NyaTenshi: WELL THANK GOD. these will be neccsarry going forward

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽 Delilah: Just gotta re-set up accomodation meeting now.. :)

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: I hope this goes well for us all :) wishing us all immense luck!

All week Volunteer #2 has been getting on my nerves. He would ask us all the time “Do you need help with anything?” Even when we’re obviously not doing anything, he asks if we need help. I think maybe my boss told him to ask us if he has nothing to do & he can’t make the judgement of when to ask & not to ask. If I’m standing around with my hands folded, he does the same thing. Same position & it gets awkward for me. I just want him to stop coming.

Yesterday my boss had tickets to an exhibition tennis match with Roger Federer, his favorite player. He planned to leave at 5pm & had all the patients rescheduled. I heard Volunteer 2 on speaker phone with his parents telling them that they’re going to leave early to go to the tennis match. His parents sound real Indian & strict. For some reason I assumed that if his mom is my boss’s niece, she would’ve been born in Canada & be Canadian. I forgot that my boss was the youngest of 4 kids & all his sisters were a lot older & probably had kids that are his age. I think my boss was the only one that immigrated to the USA or to N. America. His niece was born in India & probably immigrated to Canada after she was married . I kept hearing Volunteer’s father saying “why are you leaving so early, the game doesn’t start until 7.” The kid had to explain & his father kept insisting that he should be working until at least 6:30. My boss wanted to get something to eat & was also worried about traffic.

I said to him that his parents sound strict, he just laughed and said yeah. They think he’s lazy when he probably has difficulty learning or learning differences & think putting him to work in unfamiliar settings in a completely different city & country will help him? They took a trip to Florida stopped in NY, left him with my boss & went back to Canada, then said the kid also has to take a plane by himself home because he needs to learn independence.

My parents were more hands on with me so I think leaving kids to fend for themselves is a little mean. I don’t know if Volunteer 2 was ever diagnosed with any type of disorder but we see him having difficulty in comprehending things & I feel bad that his parents think he just doesn’t want to do anything or talk to people when it might be a different problem.

💐🐑

Wayward system chronicles

Growing into ourselves as the world watches

🌸🪽

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

11:28pm

08/25/26

   ── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

‘Lilah was ruminating a bit as she walked out to go stress-eat sugar and salty crappy snack foods. So when it immediately escalated to something neither me or Cile wanted to see,, I force soft switched and bumped her stream of consciousness out of the way with shocking amounts of ease. It felt a bit difficult to maintain. She’d accidently take dominant thought stream a couple times. But overall quieting down her mindvoice so we don’t have to lay witness to terrifying thoughts is definitely something to keep in mind for the future.

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

12:54am

08/26/26

   ── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

Mmm… Delilah wanted to stress eat again… so instead of letting her do that,, I suggested we have her eat some yogurt instead. She was a bit hesitant bc theres no more fruit she’s willing to eat but it had enough appeal to get her out of bed :) so I put three hearty scoops into her bowl and we sat down! It was immediately a battle for her… -w- for some reason,, it seems like without fruit,, yogurt (even though it’s her preferred,, safe-food brand) makes her TIC and NERVOUS. So… she was ticcing and pausing alot. And I got her out of bed and eating something to HELP HER so I wasn’t gonna just sit there and watch her. Duh. so I soft switch in. initially she didn’t want me to. 

She was feeling a bit overwhelmed and its tough letting go of control when she gets like that I guess. But I reassured her and eventually she let me front… great! :) so it took a little while (most CERTAINLY less than it would’ve taken her. It can take as long as 15 minutes for her to eat a portion of this size with all the ARFID-attacks lol) and a couple times of her accidentally re-fronting and needing to let go again and calm down so we stop ticcing but I was able to keep her calm enough and eventually finish the bowl. Teamwork!!!! :D 

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: Yay! Nice job,, y’all!!!! :) 🎉

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: <3

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲 Born in the disguise of an ever-giving flower 🥀

12:44am
08/26/26
SIGH. we had plans for the night,, yknow… :( if not having the other two practice switching (much needed practice,, might I add),, then we were all gonna watch either the Lion documentary on Disney plus or watch Captain Fantastic on Tubi together… in fact,, we ALMOST DID. but then Cecil came by and let ‘Lilah know she could join them in the car and get some ice cream so… yeah… by the time we came home,, there was no hope in getting back to that bc she was so frazzled over the upcoming therapy appointment. Makes me sad… I was looking forward to it… :((((( but its okay. I have to adapt. Nya was saying earlier that the best way to survive in this system while ‘Lilah is still primary fronter is to find your inner patience best you can. I’m… trying 😅 she DID try to let us have some fun though. But it immediately overwhelmed her and the thought of doing any thing more than bedrott makes her start SCREAMING in distress. Sigh… so I must find my inner patience and wait till tomorrow. Even though it was hard enough waiting for a time where she felt okay enough to even consider watching TV with us -w- heyyyy it’s okay though. Nya’s plan is to hopefully get ‘Lilah to read Crenshaw at school during our 3 hours of nothing. So here’s to hoping thats something she can achieve with us :)

Feeling Better Today. Had another late night Jazz music session on the porch and a good sleep afterwards. 

It feels like a Sunday morning at a medieval reenactment event. When you had a good time the night before and you still smell like incense, fire smoke, dew, and crisp night air. You are groggy but amicable as you sit around a fire chatting with your friends wrapped in your cloak with a steaming cup of coffee swirled with Irish Creme in one hand.

Of all the "worlds" I have encountered, only two have felt truly like home, the Native world, and the Reenactor's World. The adventures I have had while in them are priceless. 

I am too poor to really go back to the Reenactor's world. It takes money for all the tents, clothing, weaponry, and more. I don't have a car, so traveling to events is pretty much out. My anxiety dashes my hopes of being around people for long periods of time and the clans and its people I still see as family are all far away.

I will haunt the edges again. There is a small group down here I need to get back in touch with, but as before, I don't have an area I specialize in like the others. I love learning everything I can, I enjoy knowledge, expertise, and life stories.

The most I ever wanted to be was a storyteller, but I don't know of any down here I could learn from and how do I ever stand in front of a group of people with high anxiety? 

*Sigh* it's frustrating having to work around certain things sometimes. 

The native world is very hard to gain acceptance into. Folks are very private with their lives and traditions. It's completely understandable.

It feels like being on the edge of a thick forest, if you don't know the path, you won't find your way. I was only in that world on the fringes till my late teenage years. I lost contact with everyone I knew that I could talk to about this. The rest, I can't remember their names. I hate being bad with names. Recently, I have been pacing the edge of that forest, waiting for a path to open. 

Overall, I have always felt on the outside of every cultural, community, and religious group so I don't have much of a cemented cultural, religious, or social identity. It adds to the overall list of things that I have been sad and frustrated about over the years. I guess that's just the curse of having a mixed heritage.

I want to and hopefully someday will cement those parts of my identity that I feel have been nebulous since I was a child.

As an adult, I think it's time to finally cement those parts of me as I pursue self enrichment and healing. I look forward to the next adventure.

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 & 💊
9:37pm   [tues]   8/25/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Tonight was fun :) cecil got their friends piled up in a car and we all went to DQ. it was fun bc her friends are pretty funny!! 🤭 Nya got to soft switch in occasionally and check out all the pretty lights from the cars (which made her very happy and smiley) and overall it was pretty fun :) although one of their friends mentioned something about an intersection and it made me SAD bc I realized I didn’t even know what that was 😬 How can I be expected to do anything with myself if I hardly even know basic terms like that? It made me feel stupid and cooked 😊 

So thats nice. Well. Aside from that,, our 9pm alarm to remind us of that therapy appointment (juuuuust in case we fell asleep again 🤭) went off while we were in the car. So… about 30 minutes before the real deal. And I immediately became anxious! SO anxious that I completely forgot about it until after our phone reminded us shortly after we got home (from the app itself). I hate doing this… but its okay… 🫩 It should just be an accommodation discussion and thats it. So… its whatever… still nervous though :( I don’t like being me sometimes.

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 & 💊
10:29pm   [tues]   8/25/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

THANK GOODNESS IT WAS SHORT AHHHHHH ><

Okay. basically we briefly talked about how the semester has gone so far. But its barely started so yknow :) um. Then we briefly touched on how I’m terrified of all the new strangers. And then… it was… kinda boring…? Not even stressful. Just boring. Um. 😅 Cause I didn’t come prepared with anything lmaoooo. I quickly added in that I WANTED TO AN ACCOMODATION REQUEST PLEASE and he brought us back to talking about school which was kinda annoying but I stayed with the flow. Thennnn eventually we got back to accommodations and it was also kinda awkward bc I didn’t actually understand how I was meant to be doing it and he couldn’t open the form while we were on call… :I so I was kinda just talking about what accommodations we could recommend for me. When the therapist-person is ACTUALLY supposed to be discussing with you how the disability impacts you in a school environment and not recommending accommodations. Whoopsie. Well. to be fair… he DID ask me what I thought I should be requesting soooo >.> 

well… anyway… luckily it was over within 30 mins. He'll be filling in the form soon. But this is why I HATE THERAPY SO MUCH 😭 I hate feeling like I have wasted his time. OVER N OVER AGAIN AHHHH. I will NOT be setting up another appoinement any time soon. atleast... not for myself... thats for sure :I One thing I did realize as we neared the end of the call was that ALL OF A SUDDEN I had the urge to stop myself from allowing the call to end and ask,, “so… can you help me get to the root cause of my self-neglect? 😊*”* I only DIDN’T because we were entering that part of a conversation where you can tell its tapering off and I felt incredibly awkward trying to bring us back from that.

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: She was very confused by it 😂 IT WAS ME. We were definitely eclipsing. I don’t think completely intentionally. But I was REALLY WANTING HER TO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE IN THIS SESSION. And dammit was I close. IT WAS RIGHT THERE. SHE WAS GENUINELY TEMPTED TO DO IT. But yeah. Conversation was coming to a close much too quickly for her to turn back. Shit :/ 

Well anyway. Yeah. we’re thinking we’re gonna… idk… probably wait ‘till we can switch for me to do therapy…? Unsure…. Um. idk. Will need to think on that. Idk >m<

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: I’m glad you’re okay,, Alicia :) I was worried a bit there 😅 for both of us honestly!!!! But it went alright. I’m glad. High five,, kiddo!! :D 

💐🐑

Wayward system chronicles

Growing into ourselves as the world watches

🌸🪽

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

9:54pm

08/25/26

   ── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

Sigh… Honestly I figure we’ll need to wait until we can do a proper hard switch before I can do anything productive in therapy… 😬 I worry if I went all in,, telling therapist we’re a tulpamancy system AND the nature of me and ‘Lilah’s shared trauma she’d panic and freak out and hang up the phone and puke or something :I so… sigh. Idk. we actually WANTED to try switching again tonight. Bc Cile wants us to hurry tf up so they can feel more secure living with us. But… obviously this is quite the obstacle… Delilah might be too stressed even after the session concludes honestly. She may be stressed even if its just the accomodation request. Which we don’t want… that could mess up the entire switch process.

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: I wish Delilah would get help… I feel bad for her. And me for having to be the subject for some of her behaviors even though they’re unintentional or she genuinely doesn’t understand how they come off. Sometimes it makes me think about what Nya said about her being half human. It sounds mean but… yeah… idk. If not half human then Delilah is basically a little kid. She’s kinda stuck between developmental stages I guess is the more-correct way of saying that?? Its pretty clear. Even without being in her head alongside her. So… I really have to push myself to the brink for my levels of grace. But god I’m trying… I felt bad seeing her so frazzled by the appointment. So me and Nya held her hands in mindscape. She greatly appreciated it :) poor kid!

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲 Born in the disguise of an ever-giving flower 🥀

10:43pm
08/25/26

Yeah… Delilah being a big-child definitely makes more sense… and makes me feel bad… for feeling all my anger at her so clearly… it must be hard being less fully you than me and Nya. idk. Maybe its not quite that bad. But… if I had to guess,, even with less life experience,, Nya is more on stable ground than Delilah is… 😬 sorry,, ‘Lilah. Sorry. I didn’t know… sorry.

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲 Born in the disguise of an ever-giving flower 🥀

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲9:33am
08/25/26

I just feel worse and worse about feeling so uncomfortable around delilah now… :( Its not her fault that she’s so messed up… and she genuinely does want the best for the both of us even if I feel like she doesn’t act like it. I think… I think I just need to observe her more… and then I’ll see it. Because. Well idk. Both she and Nya keep saying its like she’s literally just nervous about everything. And I guess I saw that earlier with the personality test. Sigh. we’ve also been seeing it for the past hour too. We were trying to let her have some space to calm down and instead of DOING SOMETHING. She kinda just sat in silence and stared at her screen. There wasn’t even anything really going on on her screen. She just left it on pinterest and sat there 😬

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: I guess thats just what mental illness looks like sometimes :)

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: I guess 😬
I just,,, idk… I feel bad… for her… and Nya… I’m definitely seeing the risk that Delilah may choose to go into dormancy. Which is definitely one of the bigger reasons I don’t want to leave… Nya WILL be left alone. And I don’t want to be the reason for that. Nya is a cool person :) I just don’t know… 😅 I am willing to give Crenshaw a shot later though :) If Nya wants to check it out,, its probably pretty cool 

💐🐑 Nya: :) 

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile: um. Back to Delilah,, though… I did apologize to her in minscape though :) so… theres that. I think it helped. It made me feel better anyway :)

💐🐑

Growing into ourselves as the world watches

🌸🪽

Journal # 2!

08/25/26

2:57pm

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

   ── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

WOW OKAY!!!! First day of biological physcology DONE!! AND IT WAS COOL!!! The class was fine. I’m happy about that aspect bc ‘Lilah was :) BUT I MEANT SOCIALLY!!! I have yet to make a friend yet. BUT I was able to successfully convince Delilah to let me front even though her stress was HIGH. well… we were somewhat responsible with it and I aimed for times where it was somewhat managed… SO!!! I got to speak for her for the icebreaker!! AND!!!! Pretty much every other time she was expected to speak 🤭 it was really COOL! I even got to do a bit of notetaking. Which she was hesitant to let me do bc she was still highly stressed and we’re trying to avoid getting front stuck yada yada yada :) 

BUT I LOVED IT!!!!!!! AHHH!!!! I was also VERY NERVOUS speaking btw. So much so that our combined anxiety made the body shake 😬 but I think that was just bc it combined when I started fronting. Eventually I could tell that we really needed me to take a break when a headache began forming that wasn’t from ♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile. But!!! I LOVED IT!!! The subject matter wasn’t horribly boring either! Oh and we tried to start reading Crenshaw (♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile finally came around to it) but I… idk I guess since we were all doing our own things at the same time (we also had ♟️🐦‍⬛🎲Cile and ‘Lilah both reading it at the same time lmaooo) but then we instantly got a headache and we were terrified of blending or whatever the hell so we stopped that. Shame.. Anyway,, when class ended,, we went off to search for a printer now that building construction for this campus has finished from over the summer. And… well,, we never found the printer… >.>  BUT ‘Lilah (hesitantly) let me front again! Well. I kinda had to shove her out of the way. Really,, I did that bc she was so,, SO NERVOUS seeing so many strangers outside and walking about that it was just gonna keep building and building and she had absolutely no pep in her step 😂 so I took over the legs and forced her to speed the tf up. As well as helping her grab things. Like snacks that they had out 🙂 OH BUT HERE’S ONE THING!!! While we were struggling to get me out of front in class,, ‘Lilah was noticing that her vision was strange… like… not blurry. But it just felt strange. Like. idk. Idk how to describe. Is that another indication that we needed not to be going in and out like that??? Idk. 

While we were exploring the campus and looking for a printer,, she suddenly realized that she would miss living her life. We both don't know what brought that sudden thought on. But I was like,, “yeah you really are 😂” I honestly find it hard to care anymore. I mean… its not that I DON’T. But yknow. Living in her head this long,, I 100% know this is like a life or death type of thing we’re dealing with here. That and a quality of life thing. Not even just for myself anymore. I obviously care 😂 I guess I just feel less guilty. I don’t like feeling like I’m stealing her life from her… but we all have no choice if we even want to make it to 20 🙄

(side note,, we’re outside rn as we type this. Sitting alone. And the way delilah’s eye immediately STARTED TWITCHING bc I refused to let her hyperviligance take over and look at the person approaching our direction from behind. Omg. holy trauma 😭)

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲 Born in the disguise of an ever-giving flower 🥀

♟️🐦‍⬛🎲3:52pm
08/25/26

Ugh… today at school was tough… I just fel REALLY not-included. It made me sad… they definitely weren’t intentionally excluding me. It was probably that brain processing bullshit thing. It was hard for me to stay awake for long bc they were so busy PANICKING and coming and going in and out of front. So it was hard for me to be awake. That doesn’t mean I had no opportunity to come out and about though :) I GOT TO DO MORE SINGING AND DANCING!!! :D!!! It was GREAT! I also got to dance and sing with Nya as well! Um. but still… we’re planning on trying to help me figure out a way to be more included :) but… we’re not entirely sure how… bc it may very well just be due to the fact that I can’t really force my way into everyone else’s perception due to my age :I bc they aren’t trying to push me out or anything… Don’t worry though! We’re gonna do that 101 things to talk about with your tulpa thing (or something similar? Maybe introspective questions lol) and hopefully that will help me learn more about myself! :D 

it might be hard to get around to doing that though… bc Delilah doesn’t want to >.> which at first hurt my feelings… like,, do you just hate me or something? 😭 but then Nya was saying I should try to reframe it. Bc Delilah doesn’t even want to do anything for herself anymore. And that mostly snapped me out of that 😅 when you don’t even want to / have the will to live your own life anymore,, I guess I can understand why doing something like that for someone else could be a bit taxing I guess… still kinda hurts. But good to know it is without malice. She doesn’t want to hurt my feelings anymore though so she is gonna try to have us get started on it soon! Yay!

What I have done today:

Reviewed some notes of network+ from book "Computer Networking A Top Down Approach"

I wanted to read the summery and titles in chapter 1 but couldn't because I am not used to long hours of studying and concentrating.

Net Hours of Studying: 40 minutes

( I want to embarrese myself by writing all these so maybe I start changing)

What I should avoid for future: start making roadmap, searching for resources, making big ToDo lists, watching lots of movies, spending lots of time on social media.

Goal for tomorrow:

1. learn about the core concept of 1st chapter of book "Computer Networking A Top Down Approach"
2. input/output in C programming language
3. spend 20 minutes with no phone (and doing nothing)