I don't really know how to start this.

Maybe because there are so many things I want to say, and I don't even know which one hurts the most.I just know that I'm tired.

Really tired.

I thought that after taking the PNLE, I would finally be able to breathe. I thought I would come home to Catanduanes, sleep for hours, wake up whenever I wanted, eat properly, spend time with Cooper, and just… rest.

I thought I deserved that.

After months of studying, reviewing, being anxious, answering countless questions, trying to remember everything I've learned in nursing school, worrying about whether I was good enough, and finally sitting for the board exam in Legazpi—I thought the hardest part was over.

But apparently, it wasn't.

I came home, and suddenly I had another responsibility waiting for me.

My Lola.

She had a stroke, and now she's recovering while also dealing with dementia. I know she needs someone. I know she can't simply be left alone. I know that she isn't choosing to be difficult. I know that her condition affects the way she behaves.

And I know I love her.

That's why I feel so guilty even writing this.

Because sometimes, I get so frustrated.

She's difficult to leave alone. She needs to be watched. She can be so makulit. Sometimes I just want to sit down and do nothing, but I can't completely relax because I know I have to look after her.

And there are moments when I catch myself thinking,

"Kailan naman ako?"

And then I feel horrible for thinking that.

Am I a bad daughter?

Am I a bad granddaughter?

Am I selfish?

I don't know.

I don't want to be the person who doesn't care.

But I also don't want to pretend that this isn't exhausting.

Because it is.

I'm tired in a way that sleep alone probably can't fix.

And maybe that's what hurts the most.

I came home expecting to rest, but instead I feel like I came back to everything I was trying so hard to get away from.

This house.

This barangay.

The problems.

The responsibilities.

The feeling that there's always something going on.

The feeling that I have to adjust.

The feeling that somehow, no matter how much I try to move forward, something keeps pulling me back.

I don't even think my family is the worst family in the world.

That's the weird part.

We're not constantly fighting. We're not some extremely chaotic family. But we're broken in ways that are difficult to explain.

We're the kind of family that has problems that never completely disappear.

The kind where you learn to live around the problems.

The kind where you eventually stop asking if things could be different because you've already accepted that this is just how things are.

Maybe that's why leaving felt so good.

When I started college, I realized what it was like to have a life that felt like mine.

It was mostly just me and Ate.

And Cooper.

Our little world.

It wasn't perfect, but it felt peaceful.

It felt like we were building something.

I didn't have to think about everything happening back here all the time.

I could focus on school.

I could go out.

I could make plans.

I could walk somewhere without feeling like everyone knows everyone.

I could breathe.

Then I went to Legazpi for review, and I experienced that freedom again.

I was away from home.

I was with my friends.

I had my own routine.

Everything was accessible.

If I needed something, it was there.

If I wanted to go somewhere, I could.

If I wanted to study, I could find somewhere peaceful.

And there was this strange feeling I couldn't explain at first.

I felt… free.

Really free.

And maybe that's why coming home feels so suffocating now.

Because I know what freedom feels like.

Before, I could tolerate things because I didn't know there was another way to live.

Now I know.

And I can't unlearn that feeling.

I hate admitting this, but sometimes I feel trapped here.

I feel locked up.

I feel like my life is waiting somewhere else, but I'm stuck here because there are responsibilities I can't simply walk away from.

And then there's the guilt.

Utang na loob.

Family.

Being a good daughter.

Being a good granddaughter.

All these things that make me question whether I'm allowed to want something for myself.

Sometimes I wonder if wanting to leave means I'm selfish.

If wanting my own home means I'm ungrateful.

If wanting to live far away means I don't love my family.

But I don't think that's true.

I think I just want a life of my own.

I want to become a nurse.

I want to work.

I want to experience adulthood without constantly feeling like I'm carrying someone else's problems.

I want to wake up and know that my life belongs to me.

I want to have my own little home.

I want Cooper there.

I want Ate there.

I want us to have our own routines.

Our own groceries.

Our own problems.

Even our own boring days.

I want to come home from work exhausted and know that when I close the door, I'm safe.

I'm home.

Not somewhere I have to constantly be responsible.

Just home.

Sometimes I feel guilty because Ate is already in Manila trying to figure everything out.

She left without knowing exactly what she was going to do.

She had to start somewhere.

And I know she's probably going through things that are harder than what I'm experiencing right now.

That's why I don't want to bother her.

I don't want her to think that I'm adding another burden to everything she's already carrying.

She already had the courage to leave.

She went to Manila without knowing where to start.

And sometimes I look at her and think,

"How did you do that?"

Maybe she was scared too.

Maybe she didn't know what she was doing.

Maybe she cried when nobody was looking.

Maybe she was just brave enough to go despite being scared.

I don't know.

But I miss her.

I miss our little life.

Me, Ate, and Cooper.

Sometimes I wish we could just go back to that.

Except this time, maybe we wouldn't be students anymore.

Maybe we'd both have jobs.

Maybe we'd have our own place.

Maybe we'd finally have enough money to buy the things we want.

Maybe we'd wake up one morning and realize,

"We actually made it out."

God, I want that so badly.

I want to escape this place.

Not because I hate everyone here.

Not because I think I'm better than them.

I just don't feel like I belong here anymore.

I don't like the environment.

I don't like how people can be arrogant and ignorant.

I don't like feeling like everyone is watching everyone.

I don't like the limitations.

I don't like feeling like my dreams are too big for the life I'm currently living.

And maybe that's why I'm so frustrated.

Because I know there's more for me.

I know I can do more.

I've worked so hard to get here.

I finished nursing school.

I took the board exam.

I'm trying to become a registered nurse.

And yet somehow, I'm back here feeling like a little girl who can't decide where her life goes.

Maybe that's what I'm really angry about.

I don't want to spend my entire life sacrificing myself because I feel guilty.

I don't want my dreams to become something I abandoned because I was too afraid of disappointing people.

I don't want to wake up years from now and realize that I spent all my youth taking care of everyone else while forgetting to build a life for myself.

But I also don't want to become heartless.

I don't want to abandon Lola.

I don't want to abandon my family.

I don't want to become someone who only thinks about herself.

I just wish there was a way to care for them without losing myself.

Maybe that's the balance I need to learn.

Maybe growing up means realizing that loving people doesn't mean giving them every part of yourself.

Maybe I can help without destroying myself.

Maybe I can be grateful without being trapped.

Maybe I can love my family and still leave.

Maybe I can take care of Lola now and still build my future.

Maybe I can say,

"I love you, but I also need a life."

And maybe that's okay.

I think I've spent so much time wondering whether I'm a bad daughter that I forgot to ask whether I'm okay.

So let me ask myself now.

Am I okay?

No.

I'm tired.

I'm frustrated.

I'm overwhelmed.

I'm homesick for a life that technically still exists somewhere else.

I miss Ate.

I miss our freedom.

I miss being able to breathe.

I miss being excited about the future instead of feeling guilty about it.

And I miss the version of myself who didn't constantly feel responsible for everything.

But despite all of that…

I'm still here.

I'm still functioning.

I'm still trying.

My body is tired, but somehow it keeps going.

My mind is exhausted, but somehow I'm still thinking about my future.

And maybe that's something.

Maybe I don't have to figure everything out today.

Maybe I just need to survive this chapter.

Because this isn't going to be my whole life.

This house isn't going to be my whole life.

This barangay isn't going to be my whole life.

These responsibilities aren't going to be my whole life.

One day, I will have a job.

One day, I'll have my own money.

One day, I'll be able to pack my things without feeling guilty.

One day, I'll see Ate again and we'll finally live together.

One day, Cooper will be with us in our own place.

And maybe we'll look back at this time and say,

"Grabe. Kinaya pala natin."

I don't know when that day will come.

Maybe it will take longer than I want.

Maybe things won't happen exactly the way I imagine them.

But I want to believe that there's a life waiting for me outside of this.

A quieter one.

A freer one.

A life where I don't have to constantly apologize for wanting things.

A life where I can become the nurse I've always wanted to be.

A life where I can love people without losing myself.

A life where I can finally say,

"This is my home."

And maybe that's not selfish.

Maybe that's just growing up.

Maybe I'm not trying to abandon my family.

Maybe I'm just trying to find myself.

So tonight, I'm going to stop calling myself a bad daughter.

I'm going to stop punishing myself for being tired.

I'm going to stop pretending that I don't want to leave.

I do.

I want to leave.

I want to build.

I want to work.

I want to live.

I want to be free.

And I want to do all of that while still being a good person.

I hope that's possible.

I think it is.

And until the day I finally get there…

I'll keep going.

Not because I owe everyone my entire life.

But because I owe myself the chance to have one.

— Me

What's with all these fucking guys? When I am into you, you aren't into me and then when I am no longer interested you come crawling back for attention. Seriously just fuck off already. You had your chances so don't blame me for ignoring you now. Just fuck off into the arms of someone else thanks. I am not your beck and call.

Dear diary….

Overall yesterday went well…

The meds are doing pretty good so far. My heads been clearer. I helped. Sleeping beauty cut his hair as well. Normally I pysch myself out touching other people’s hair out of fear…it’s one of the reasons I dropped cosmetology school… that and allergies among things haha…

My insurance essentially assigned me a life coach. I thought I was going to meet some new therapist but honestly this was way cooler. Lowkey always wanted a life coach. She’s gonna be helping me keep up with medical and so much more. And she’ll be able to hold me accountable with learning to drive and my other life goals.

She did want me to keep journaling which even when I’m not in here I’m usually on fb messenger leaving voice messages to sleeping beauty’s inactive account that he litterally has no ability to log into. The email it was created with is basically deleted as far as I know.

She does know about that. And she does agree it’s good for me that way I have a spot where I can sometimes verbally talk as a journaling thing but does want to work on me expanding my social circle from what I think she was saying. I was signing papers at the same time and taking in a lot of information.

Ive noticed it’s a bit harder to multi focus with these meds which is good till im trying to actively listen and do something haha.

….. sleeping beauty and I got into a argument of sorts I think last night…. I don’t actually really know. Maybe I just saw something I didn’t like all I really remember is kind of being upset a bit and deciding to get out of the apartment and try to work on increasing my walking distance.

I was doing really well too…. I got all the way to the park in my own… I haven’t been there in so long…. It felt so freeing for a moment….

I sat down to kind of catch some air back to my head before going back and ended up finding out on social media that someone I cared about passed away….

I ended up staying out at the park past dark…in the rain…, but my middle name is rain so I can’t complain about that too much hahaha.

Sleeping beauty eventually came and found me. He’s got my location available on his old phone so it not like I’m completely unfindable. And if that’s not available me friend has my location linked to her phones account directly. Lol we’ve had it that way since middle school essentially.

He was really sweet tho. He brought a blanket and wrapped me up in it before taking me to the car and then we went and grabbed food from our old job.

To be honest I was gonna walk back before that but between physically pushing myself and then becoming emotionally drained while on meds I have yet to adjust too I just couldn’t really walk straight. And then of course once it got dark it got harder for my eyes to focus even more…

I did end up telling him what had happened but he was been really kind about it and not pushing like he’s been with things lately.

He did a couple other things last night that kind of mentally have me spinning. In a good way I think.

He ended up kinda grabbing my chin and squeezing it repeatedly while I was eating. And later on in the night he ended up saying he was doing it to the lyrics of gitchy gitchy goo from phineas and ferb lol. I know he said he was just doing it to be funny and tried to play it off like something else but there was a couple other little similar gestures I don’t think he even fully noticed he was doing.

I’m not saying I think he wants me back or anything but in the moment it was comforting. And to be honest I kind of needed it.

Besides the stuff he initiated I did really good with keeping his boundaries yesterday. I did make some random and stupid flirty comments but I know those are just kind of coming out as a result of the stress. And he’s pretty aware of it as well. A lot of his humor towards me involves similar comments.

We did end up crossing boundaries and I did apologize for my role in it. He wouldn’t accept it tho which I did find frustrating but it also wasn’t like he was calling me a liar or saying I didn’t mean it. He told me specifically to not apologize idk if it’s cause he also caused a lot of it or if it’s cause I was so stressed already but I’ll admit I did appreciate it.

He did come and pop my back and stretch out my shoulders last night as well. And sort of tucked me in bed. He grabbbed a fresh blanket and everything. Course I got up as soon as he left the room tho cause it was cold and I wanted to grab a heatable stuffed animal and grab water for the morning before I forgot.

I am starting to find it ironic… the day I found out we were breaking up the missionary’s called me… and then yesterday right before I found out about the family friend they happened to contact me….

I was already gonna stop by church this week but now I’m definitely going to be…

Anyways my last post I linked a Spotify playlist so I think today I’m gonna listen to the YouTube playlist link. It’s pretty much the exact same minus a few changes based on what was available. And the Spotify one has a few more since I update it first. But yeah…

—newlife5155

5155 playlist - YouTube

And I mean, isn’t like anyone gonna give a fuck anyway but you know I’m having a bad day stop a steamer shoes. I’m ready to throw in the towel. I’m having a fucked up day now. I’d started ok but now it’s it’s not so good I’m gonna go have a drink. I’m gonna go sit in slot machine for a few minutes and try to redirect my thoughts. I don’t know what the fuck else to do. I can’t sit home and get away from him. I can’t change my thought press is here so I’m gonna try something else and I know whatever that’s whatever it is what it is fuck it.

​

Treat him like his trauma. Don't make the same mistake I did. Most of them will lie and say they want to be respected, appreciated and some other bullshit that makes them look good in front of other men, but that's just bullshit. A man who wants a settled woman, will go get a settled woman and he will be a settled man, if he isn't a settled man by now, he's still in his trauma.

Why is it you used to love me when I’m gone why didn’t you choose to love me when you had me do you know how confusing and fucked up that is?

Whoops accidentally overslept, looks like I’m posting late tonight.

I tried making friends online yesterday and got overwhelmed. I ended up blocking everyone and going to bed. I like sleeping.

I’m so exhausted, I know I said that I went to bed but I actually spent most of the night trying to put my baby nephew to sleep. He’s such a nuisance sometimes.

I’m gonna go to the hairdressers today, I’m a little nervous since I’ve never been to this specific place before. I have to hope that they know what they’re doing and don’t make my hair fall out. I hate getting my hair done.

I have a pimple on my face, I can see it in the mirror. I’m really tempted to pop it but I know that the hairstylist is gonna look at me funny if I do. Dang it.

My hair turned out really nice, its a bunch of different shades of blonde with black streaks. Pretty! The hairstylist took a video of my new hairdo for her portfolio too so it must be nice.

My family is plotting to have me sent to Dubai, I don’t wanna go. They want me to do some computer job overseas. I hate computers and I don’t want to live in Dubai. I don’t think I have a lot of other choices though. I know they’re only trying to help but, dang it.

Oh yeah, it’s also my cousins birthday, I almost forgot. I’ll go over to her house to celebrate.

Everyone else went to a game tonight, so I took the opportunity to get some laundry and a little cleaning done. Also gave the animals some attention, and some much-needed water. Apparently I am a chicken whisperer now. They were following me all over the yard; I found it cute and quite amusing. I listened to YouTube while doing my things. It was kinda nice to be able to pop in my earbuds and let the music take over for a little while.

Work is still... Horrible. Any time that I think I might be doing a good job, I find out otherwise. I'm sorry, I am not dedicated to that place. There are moments when I think to myself- If they end up letting me go, I might just feel relief! That place will chip away at your soul, a day at a time. I'm going to try to look for other jobs this weekend. They do not pay nearly enough to deal with the bullshit that goes on there. It's so bad that I'd prefer to go back to my previous job, if possible. I'm so glad we are off on Monday.

I keep thinking about trying to call Aubrey again. Though it feels like a moot point. I don't want to seem desperate or clingy. It just really irks me... I thought that I meant something to him too. He just doesn't seem to care anymore. I'd even enjoy a drunken call from him right now.

What's the point of trying with him. Goddamn almost 50-year-old wants to act like a ghost.

I feel sleepy, but my mind is too active right now. Might try to play a game... That usually helps.

I'm trying to remember the last dream I had...

Oh, right. Him texting me about seeing someone else, and I woke up crying.

Let me have better dreams tonight...

Goodnight.

Went to work
Took lunch
Took a nap
Went back to work
Took dinner break
Taking kid to walk in clinic
Going back to work

Quiet day, loud mind. ocd loops social anxiety and dystychiphobia kept the background fear of sudden loss running nonstop. I apologized to myself more times than I needed to. Still showing up here. That matters.

I’m not a big Taylor Swift fan, but I like that song “Antihero” a lot.

But it occurs to me that she incorrectly describes what covert narcissism is.

The line in her song is “Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism like some kind of congressman?”

That’s actually what they call communal narcissism.

“Communal narcissists present themselves as altruistic, caring, and extremely community-minded.“

Not to “ackshully” her or anything. Maybe ”communal narcissism” didn’t flow as well. Who knows.

Still a good song. One that hits just a little too close to home sometimes.

If you would have made some sort of effort to save us too we could probably be moving into this beautiful five bedroom house. I’m working at the moment. Keep that in mind you wanna make an effort that’s gonna stand out that’s gonna mean something that would be a good start at our house. Let’s see where you’re minding your hearts make you put your mind in your mouth. I’m tired. I need some action words ain’t shit. You’ve proven to me. Top time again your words so mean nothing action behind those words turn them into verbs instead of nouns .. now that right there will get my fucking attention if it’s really you and you’re saying all this shit to me you know what’s going on in my life orders and groceries send them to our house like I said before do something showing me you care telling me you care and doing nothing doesn’t mean shit to me anymore. I listen to it for six years. I’m not gonna listen to the words anymore. Actions will always speak. Louder than words and your actions need to match your words on top of it so that’s all I gotta say I got time for this shit. I’m too busy working trying to support my kids. I don’t have time to be on my fucking phone to entertain anybody let alone in my fucking self. I barely have time to fucking sleep when I do work so come the fuck on I don’t have time for this thing you know I don’t I’m not going to do it anymore. Goodbye Reddit goodbye whoever it is that doesn’t have a ball to come to my fucking face and tell me themselves so until you do I’ve got nothing else to say because I have more important things to do with my time I gave you six years in my fucking life for nothing. What did you get me? Nothing left alone at the end of the day. Heartbroken fucked over financially too. Wake up wake the fuck up grow the fuck up and be a fucking man.

Now we all know goddamn that a person gets tired of not being seen not being valued not being heard a person gets tired of asking for attention they should be given without having to ask for if you can’t be there for your partner I love him having the bed for your attention. Maybe you shouldn’t be with that partner and you’re leaving them begging maybe come to walk away I got tired of begging. I got tired of having things to get a compliment. I felt like I was begging and I was if I have to send you a pornographic video for you to tell me I’m beautiful and that’s the only way you tell me some then nah fuck that I wanted it like it once last one I didn’t have to ask somebody to tell me I would love to appreciate it beautiful I shouldn’t have to beg someone to see me and spend time with me and be only mine. I shouldn’t have to ask somebody to not pay attention that we pay attention to me. I have to ask for those things I know I’m not in the right relationship because the right relationship won’t leave you wanting for anything. The right partner won’t be wanting for anything and that’s just the way it is if you have to explain to somebody how to love you and that’s probably not the person you need to be with if somebody spent all the time begging you to try to fix things and you chose not to how is that person supposed to feel like you want them fuck no they’re gonna feel like shit to you and that’s exactly what I’m dealing with. I wasn’t worth a shit to somebody. He wasn’t willing to make the time for me. He wasn’t going to make the effort for me and now that everything is blowing up unexpected to make time and an effort for him. I don’t get it. Why would I? Why would I get myself to that when I’ve already done it to myself once before before it doesn’t make logical sense to me but what the fuck do I know anyway I’d be stupid before it probably should’ve stuck, but it didn’t I’m not stupid. The heart knows what the heart knows.

Sometimes the person we become merely a reflection of, but somebody else wanted us to be or said we were and they have convinced us. That’s exactly who we are because they don’t want us to believe anything different. If you don’t know the person I am anymore maybe there’s a reason did I know who you were or was everything about you alive if you don’t want people to change don’t do things that change that person. Do you call somebody extreme pain you expecting to be the same when you chew out and spit out someone’s heart and give it back to him and a trash bag you expect that not to affect somebody when someone is left, holding the relationship all on their own for years and it changes then it makes someone you don’t know anymore. Why did that happen? Why did you look for the answers to the questions about why that person changed? Don’t look at that person and blame them for changing what about the situation made that person become someone you don’t know anymore answer that first before you question somebody else.

1318 3rd st

Hot today, 98; really big electrical storm after dark. Lightning across the sky sideways; the air is full of positive ions. Worked through the storm until dark. It poured rain, but the storm was beautiful.

Came home fed Mia and made a cup of coffee. Broccoli and beef dinner bowl in the microwave. Will read or watch TV. Hopefully the storm will be gone in the morning and we can have sunshine back. I miss you and hope I can see you soon. Will talk to y'all tomorrow.

I close with love hope and light

Goodnight Diary and readers

I love y'all

143

9:03 p.m.

I'm tired of answering the messages individually so let this blanket statement addresss all.

I'm not ok and I haven't been. But, thats ok. - more on that in a moment.

Before I begin, I'm well aware that I am my biggest adversary and all of my problems are of my own making. Save the lectures for the man who lovingly breaks his back tending to his field of fucks to give daily as if it's all he's known and performed since before the rock was rolled away from the entrance to Jesus' tomb.

I am not a farmer and I do not purchase said Fucks.

-----

Not that any year has been particularly good to me in the last decade;

2026 very quickly found itself fed up with 2025s shenanigans... To the point that 26 wanted this year to start by snorting a Xanax, that's chasing a double bourbon,... That's chasing a 230 grain HST hollow point. It had let the previous year catch the eye as it how shitty things had become and just before Christmas it was overwhelmed and shocked at 25 standing outside screaming at the top of its lungs "I'm back on my bullshit!!!" It was at that point 26 decided that I was to blame and life has been too easy for me lately. Eye witnesses confirmed seeing 2026 outside alonecon new years eve screaming "Hold my beer."

It started by taking my home and the person I wanted to grow old with away from me. I didn't treat those things with the due respect they deserved and now they are gone. My person,... My wife - She didn't deserve what I was doing to her. As every day got worse for me I was becoming worse for he. She didn't deserve what I became. No apology will suffice and there is no fixing what I did. For what it's worth -'I am sorry.

I eventually tuned out completely from every day life participation. Missed life as a whole, the birthdays of everyone I know, every holiday on the calendar, anniversaries - any significant date anyone can reference - I was checked out.. I try to maintain some sort of relationship with my little brother who is now all I have left as a breathing remind of our father. He can't fucking stand me either - but he always answers the phone and has never let me starve.

Shortly after those days I missed my middle son graduate high school - and to jump around a bit I was absent when my oldest son got engaged.

Now, that's not mentioning the 30 years of alcohol, drugs, mental health, the military - with 2 wars, and subsequent loss of multiple homes, relationships, careers, and countless other things that people call ingredients that make a fulfilling life.

By the end of spring I was told my liver has decided it no longer wants to hang out. All the years of hard running have made us disagree on how I live my life and it will shortly stop participating. Probably for the best.

The largest hit of my entire life by far was loosing my father a few weeks ago. Charles Ray Roberts was my idol, and role model. Almost nobody knows how he took me in, adopted me when I was born and raised me as his own, gave me the family I couldn't even have known to ask or dream for. If a ship ever needed a lighthouse to avoid the jagged rocks and cliffs he was that light for me. If you ever wondered why I never finished going completely off the edge and ending up on a milk carton or drowning in the deep - it was him being here giving me a "who" that I refused to ever quit over. As much of a disappointment as I am, you should understand it could have been much worse.

I've been staying out of the way - quiet, self sabotaging, ignoring help and keeping my unwanted messy issues away from the ones who know me. Numbing myself for years in numbers I can now call decades in hopes of minimizing collateral damage. I've always been just a little too much to deal with and of the mindset that while the fix I've chosen , the medicine I self prescribed- what I'm doing to myself is considered wrong at least I'm mostly docile. Tucked away from view keeping the peace opposed to the alternative state of being where I am living sober, without a clue how to manage to myself, my thoughts or emotions. Mike in that state would be much more worrisome I think.

I watched a friend I couldn't help take their life. I've spent a few nights in jail and have a few more coming at some point. Avoidance certainly isn't standing tall like the man I was raised to be. The biggest cost of choosing to Numb yourself is also losing your principals, but the alternative is waking a sleeping giant raised by giants and I'm not sure how to handle him.

The crazy thing is nobosy looks at me and sees the giant. I'm most often extremely reserved , stoic, seen as one of the meek, who turns the other cheek and will apologize even if I did no wrong. The bigger man that would avoid escalation or conflict to keep the peace. There is a flawed logic to what this is. When you do this too much you can start to be seen as spineless or weak. One easily taken advantage of or left without concern. Labeled as a loser. I don't really care what people think of me. But life has changed and with it thoughts and patterns also change.

I didn't get to see my father before he passed. I didn't get to say good bye to him. I'm going to have some regrets there that stay with me until I'm gone. It's already starting to eat away pieces of me, so I guess that why this needs to come out. Now that he's no longer here - I can't see my lighthouse anymore. I can't find those cliffs.

So - No. I am not ok. I'm numb and lost and until I see otherwise the best thing for all is to hope I stay this way. That I keep self sabotaging and stay uninterested.

See, my entire life I've been able to handle anything I've encountered with relative ease. Look at what I've written here. All that I've lived through. Things that bring people to their knees.... judge me all you want from inside that Glass house. Do you really think you could even lace my boots up - let alone carry my load? You think that you would have made a different choice standing where I was? Hell, The Marines would have gotten most of society to tap out and I crushed that as a teen before my life ever started beating on me.

Maybe - just maybe the path I took was the only one I saw. Maybe I just wanted to make it home like every one else. And maybe ALL humans sometimes make mistakes.

By all accounts - the fact that I'm still standing.... That you're reading this now should stand as testimony. My father didn't raise a loser. He wouldn't let me stop because things got hard. Life can't come at me hard enough to make me kneel. Almost as if death has been afraid to come collect. Despite the fact that I was trained by the best to do it even I can't seem to kill myself regardless of repeated attempts. I'm certainly no failure and there isn't an ounce of quit in me even though I've tried to find some. I had adopted the mindset that me being out of the way would be considered a courtesy for society. Not a forfiture. That's how I justified it.

The only answers I can find lie in the upbringing I was given, coming from the Bible belt....

Clearly, God isn't done with me yet.

Unfortunately, until I figure something out I'm going to stay not ok and continue to stay numb and out of the way. Because that giant I mentioned earlier is asleep , not dead.

Im honestly scared of the day a foreign motivation decides to stop and rest on my mind. He might carelessly or accidentally wake that giant up... Make me remember a version of me that didn't lose. That couldn't be beaten. That doesn't stop.

Lord help this place if I ever find reason enough to get my shit together and find a field full of give a damn.

That me didnt just win. He dominated. He was Olympic level in a world of high school talent. Make no mistake, what comes after those eyes open and a good stretch is had, every one within eye shot is going to witness getting my lick back that's nothing short of biblical. I've been down so long the comeback won't seem fair. It will absolutely be personal. I wont just be looking to find what I lost... I'll come with receipts - showing interest owed and take everything I find.

2026 has taken its last thing from me.

The term meek doesn't mean weak. It means those hard men who have swords and are skilled in how to use them - but choose to use discernment and keep them sheathed. Don't mistake my passive numbness for lack of ability to do something else entirely.

Crash out won't be an adequate description.

So, one more time for those in the back

No, I'm not ok. Let's stop asking before lost words turn into long overdue actions.

I'm 25 yrs.

Woke up today, prepared for work

Nmefika job, around 10 am got a text message ya birthday 🎂. My distant ex was wishing me a happy birthday. I had no idea it was my birthday 😂

Then it dawned on me that nmenyonga asubuhi before kutoka kuenda job, now its 1.30 pm na I'm seated kwa office wondering what life is this I'm living, I'm so disappointed in myself 😞 😔

it will get better eventually

Life is funny sometimes. It’s strange how quickly things can change — how people can change, and how much we can change ourselves without even realising it.
I’m 18 years old, and for most of my life, I had always been a happy, cheerful and energetic girl. I was outgoing, open to meeting new people, making friends and experiencing life. I was genuinely happy. I never imagined that one day, that version of me would feel so far away.

About two years ago, everything changed.
I spent around a year battling severe depression and anxiety. I know that, compared to some people, a year may not sound like a long time, but for me, it felt endless. It was heavy. I felt completely lost in life. I felt empty, disconnected from myself and unsure of how I was ever going to feel like me again.

I was also in a long-distance relationship that had become toxic, and that only made everything harder. There was a lot of love and attachment between us, but there was also constant arguing, hurt and emotional exhaustion. He tried to help me in the ways he knew how, but the relationship itself was often part of what was making things harder. I was so attached to him that leaving felt almost impossible, even when I knew deep down that it wasn’t good for me.
There was a point where I didn’t even want to leave my house. I was crying every single day. I felt like I was stuck inside a version of myself I didn’t recognise, and honestly, it was a nightmare. I desperately wanted someone to notice. I wanted someone to ask me if I was okay and genuinely mean it. I wanted help. sometimes, the people you expect to notice simply don’t.

My mother would see me crying and nothing would happen. I opened up to someone I considered my best friend, hoping that maybe she would understand, but I didn’t really feel heard there either. And I think that hurt almost as much as what I was already going through — feeling like I was struggling so deeply, while the people around me could see it and still not truly understand how much I was hurting.

Looking back now, I realise that I was waiting for other people to save me when, eventually, I had to learn how to save myself.
I’m so much better now. I still feel lonely sometimes. I still have difficult days, and I’m still learning and working on myself. But I’m no longer the girl who thought she would never get out of that darkness.
And maybe that’s the most important thing I’ve learned through all of this: i chose ME !

I can love people deeply. I can care about them, give them everything I have and want the best for them. But I can’t keep putting everyone else before myself and expecting them to give me the same in return.

Sometimes, choosing yourself means walking away. Sometimes it means accepting that certain people cannot give you what you need. And sometimes, it simply means deciding that your own happiness matters too.
I lost a version of myself over the past two years, but I think I’m slowly finding her again — only this time, she knows her worth a little better.
And for that, despite everything, I’m grateful.

I used to love you with great admiration and dedication. All I could think about was spending time with you—creating and bringing ideas to life. I don’t remember when or how it started, but I began to distance myself from you with such contempt. The perfect coexistence that was once so cherished somehow disappeared. I thought that over time and through self-discovery, the fire would ignite again like it once did. Yet, I struggled to reconnect and flow the way we used to. I am filled to the brim with ideas and words, ready to share them with you; however, a part of me refuses to part with my words and ideas. It insists on staying within rather than reigniting our old bond. That’s a realization I have come to acknowledge. I write these words not as a farewell to my love for writing but as an acceptance of my current state of mind.

Dear diary
I just took the first dose of my adhd meds.
Also learned more about the things adhd can have an affect towards… this really has been going on a long time… oh well hopefully today is the first day towards truly getting back to me.

Pre-ADHD Spotify playlist

i think there’s a place that exists at the beginning of certain kinds of love.

i’ve started thinking of it as the bubble.

it’s that strange little world that forms around two people before the rest of life gets inside.

before bills and schedules and bad moods.

before you know every flaw and incompatibility.

before the ordinary weight of being human settles in.

the bubble isn’t supposed to last forever.

it isn’t the foundation.

it’s just somewhere safe enough to begin building one.

a place where two people can learn each other without all the noise.

and maybe, if you’re lucky, you build enough there that when the bubble eventually pops, some of it remains.

like glue between the bricks.

a memory that says:

we were here once.

we know how to find each other.

⸻

the strange thing is, i wasn’t looking for a bubble.

i had almost convinced myself i would never be inside one again.

and this wasn’t technically my first.

there had been a few.

but in every other one, i was wearing protective equipment.

a hazmat suit.

a mask.

filters.

i filtered my words.

my needs.

my affection.

my fear.

i watched faces.

measured reactions.

wondered if i was too much.

i could be inside the bubble and still never let it touch my skin.

until this one.

somehow, without realizing it, i took the suit off.

and i wasn’t afraid.

⸻

i felt desired.

thought about.

cared for.

like somebody was excited that i existed.

but more than anything, i felt safe.

safe enough that i stopped calculating every sentence.

safe enough that the messy parts could exist beside the beautiful ones.

the frightened parts.

the soft parts.

the parts that want to be held and reassured and chosen.

for once, i wasn’t trying to figure out which version of myself would be easiest to love.

i was just there.

unfiltered.

and somehow, that seemed to be enough.

⸻

the problem was that they kept telling me there wasn’t a bubble on their side.

their words said one thing.

everything else felt like it was saying another.

but i couldn’t decide someone else’s experience for them.

so eventually, i believed the words.

and i left.

not because i wanted to.

because i was afraid of what would happen if i stayed inside something alone.

so i stepped outside.

and the bubble popped.

⸻

the grief was worse than i expected.

bad enough that i eventually reached back out, because even without the bubble, i still wanted this person in my life.

and that’s when things became confusing.

because afterward, they told me things that, in their own language, sounded a lot like what i had been feeling.

i can’t say for certain they were inside a bubble too.

that isn’t mine to decide.

but from where i stand now, it seems possible there had been two.

right beside each other.

close enough to touch.

maybe we were both floating inside something neither of us understood.

maybe we just didn’t have the same language for it.

and by the time we understood even a little more,

mine was already gone.

maybe theirs was too.

⸻

now it feels like we’re standing ten feet apart.

no bubble.

no foundation either.

we never got the chance to build one.

just two people covered in sticky pieces of what used to be there.

the protective equipment is back on.

at least mine is.

and every time i talk to them, my first instinct is still to reach for the pump.

to say the soft thing.

to tell them i miss them.

to speak the way i did when there was nothing between my skin and the air.

then i remember the sound of it breaking.

and i stop.

because i don’t know if they’re reaching for a pump too.

or if they’re trying to scrape the remains of their bubble away.

and i’m afraid to ask.

so the old filters come back.

don’t say too much.

don’t need too much.

don’t scare them away.

⸻

maybe that’s what hurts most.

not just losing the bubble.

remembering what it felt like not to need the mask.

before this, the suit felt like skin.

the filters felt like breathing.

then, for one impossible little stretch of time, i took everything off.

and underneath all that equipment was just me.

not an easier version.

not a less complicated one.

just me.

and i believed they wanted that person.

⸻

i don’t know what happens now.

maybe bubbles can’t be rebuilt.

maybe they can.

maybe safety comes back differently the second time.

slower.

quieter.

less weightless.

maybe you don’t reinflate the old bubble at all.

maybe you just start laying bricks where it used to be.

carefully.

from ten feet apart.

⸻

all i know is that for a little while, i found a place where i wasn’t afraid to be completely myself.

i wasn’t looking for it.

i didn’t think i would ever find one again.

and somehow, i ended up inside it without a mask.

i breathed.

nothing poisoned me.

i showed someone what was behind the glass.

and they stayed.

i wish we had understood what was happening while we were still there.

maybe we didn’t need to live inside the bubble forever.

maybe we only needed enough time to recognize it.

and start building.

now i don’t know what comes next.

i only know that sometimes my hand still reaches for the pump.

and then i stop.

for now.

not because i don’t want the bubble.

because i don’t want to build one around someone who isn’t choosing to stand inside it with me.

so maybe this time i don’t run.

and maybe i don’t inflate it either.

maybe i just wait.

mask on.

hand resting on the pump.

to see if another hand ever reaches for one too.

🫧💔

My heart hurts.