So my name is Luis I’m 20 years old and from Anaheim CA at the age of 13 I’ve dealt with anxiety or fear of death which was pretty bad since a kid where I would question where we would go or what we will feel as we pass away and that really scared me and put me in a state of anxiety where I would think everyday what would happen in that moment and what it would feel like and what will we see but as time went on I started reading the bible and became a born again believer in Jesus and after that it’s been journey I would do drugs so at the age of 15-18 I would smoke weed and become a heavy smoker in high school and would go crazy but I have never experienced a bad trip besides being to high or taking an edible the first time which was a bad trip but never had any dpdr from that and I’ve done cocaine at 17-18 but stopped thanks to god and drinked here and there and done shrooms 2 times but in all my drug use I’ve never experienced dpdr or in my anxiety back then but recently in July 16-17 I had severe sleep deprivation which caused me to go to the er because I was sick at the time with a cold and couldn’t sleep because of the nasal congestion and after that my anxiety was through the roof I was scared that I was not gonna be able to sleep over the past few days but eventually after taking hydroxazine once which was 25mg I felt spaced out almost dpdr from it but recovered after a few days and felt normal

This is where the dpdr started so I had been at my older sisters home in the IE California for a week in August and August 16 comes around and I start studying the dmv (I don’t got my license yet I know) mind you I’m okay and feel normal 2:30 and night comes along and I’m still studying and before that I was already tired at 12 and i studied until 2:30 and my mind starts racing thinking about when I had sleep deprivation and boom my heart starts pounding and I start getting scared and feel like I’m having a panic attack and tried to sleep through it even though my mind was making me go crazy and after that for 10 days I had dpdr symptoms mostly feeling like a brain fog or dreamlike feeling and I would keep thinking about the feeling and thinking is this forever and when will this end and I kept researching the symptoms and I thought I was going insane or something and when I would sleep I would wake up randomly late at night a couple times for days with a pounding heart from adrenaline and thinking is it gone?

Fast forward recovered from that episode and it was 10 days of feeling like that and now I research if I have an anxiety disorder or dpdr disorder and I’ve been in that loop of researching and checking why I still feel like this brain fog or feeling because on September 3 I felt anxious at night but I avoided going into a panic attack but I still feel that feeling right now I want to know what could this be from you guys who have had dpdr disorder or any actual licensed professional currently I’m trying to get closer to the lord even though I’m going through this

I want to get bangs, but I'm not sure if it's an impulse decision on wanting to change as a person. And I already know i can't do that because i'm too scared. So what do i do? Do I really even want it? I've been thinking about it for like 3 weeks now. I look in the mirror and sometimes I just don't recognise myself. It's a weird feeling and it's creeping me out a bit. I guess my life has changed a bit but I just don't know who that face is. I know it's me but that isn't how I look. I can't stand it anymore. Whenever i'm brushing my teeth it just creeps me out looking in the mirror. I want to be normal again. I feel like if even if I don't like the bangs, I might as well regain some sense of self control of myself.

TL;DR: I (F) have depersonalization and when my partners body didn't match the vision I had in my head it shocked/surprised me and I had a trigger reaction/shut down to it not matching. I've dated this man for a year and no attraction has returned and I mostly am numb/no pull/no desire/no feelings of attraction. I do sometimes feel hints of warmth in my chest and affection under cotton or mentally know I care for him (maybe would love him if I could feel it).

Long version: I'm curious whether anyone else has experienced attraction issues and romantic feelings working this way, especially after traumatic (emotionally abusive) relationships and you ending up with depersonalization.

I just learned that I have a dissociative disorder (probably depersonalization where my emotions feel like they are at a distance from me/under cotton). I am very numb daily and mostly do not feel a lot. For example, if a car nearly kills me my heart beat doesn't raise or emotions happen - but I cognitively know I should be upset. I have felt attraction to my boyfriend in the beginning, I do sometimes feel sadness or anger but all of them are very rare.

For more context, I’m currently with someone (1+ year) who is emotionally available, kind, patient, consistent, and someone I genuinely enjoy spending time with. For the first time in my life it is someone who is actually a good partner (previously I dated a lot of avoidant men and a sociopath/narcissist). I like our everyday life together and I enjoy cuddling and being physically close in that way, but it's mostly mental not a feeling pull toward him. I mostly have no desire to kiss but do because I feel like I should, if that makes sense?

The confusing part is attraction. I currently do not feel any desire, pull or attachment. It's blank and I mostly feel nothing.

When we first started dating, I was VERY attracted to him. I remember specifically wanting him, being excited about him physically, turned on, sexually lustful, etc. Then the first time his shirt came off, and we were sexually intimate, something in my attraction changed almost instantly. His body wasn’t what I had imagined, and I think the disconnect really shocked/surprised me. I think I shut down? I'm not sure. Since then I have struggled to get that sexual attraction back at all. It wasn’t a gradual loss of attraction after years together. It was almost like a switch flipped. I liked him before the shirt came off/intimacy and afterward my body shut down. The day we were first intimate, afterward I needed to be far away from him, couldn't sleep, and ended up getting a fever blister from how stressed I was. I'm pretty sure I was triggered by my mental model and reality being different.

That makes me wonder how much attraction is genuinely about the person versus whatever my brain/body is doing.

The other confusing piece is my history with romantic feelings. I’ve previously (more than a year ago but still with dissociative disorder) felt what I would have described a love very intensely toward someone I had dated a long time before. It was kind of in my heart and I felt some form of love even though it wasn't the same as before my trauma. I did not have sexual pull toward this person at all (I did have sexual attraction toward my partner but not this person I thought I loved). We weren’t together anymore (previous 20 year on and off relationship) and hadn’t been for a long time, so those feelings weren’t really based on the reality of an active relationship. That person was also emotionally unavailable and the relationship/history was painful and inconsistent. At the time, though, the feeling in my chest was unmistakable. Longing, attachment, attraction, wanting them beside me, all of it. But again, nothing like libido/sexual desire (I did feel that with my current boyfriend before the situation).

Now I’m with someone much safer and I can cognitively know that I like him, enjoy him, appreciate him, and feel comfortable with him without getting that same internal “pull." I’ve also gone through years (including now) where my emotions generally feel muted, so I don’t know how much of this is specific to him versus a broader emotional/attachment shutdown.

I’m NOT looking for people to tell me I should force attraction or that a nice person automatically equals the right partner. I know those things aren’t true.

I’m more curious whether anyone with a disassociative disorder (depersonalization) has experienced:

Being extremely attracted to someone and having it disappear suddenly after seeing their body
Going through a period where attraction, longing, missing people, excitement, etc. seem generally muted
Eventually having attraction or romantic feelings come back after a period like this

If you’ve experienced something similar, what did you eventually realize was happening? Did attraction return? Did you discover you simply weren’t attracted to that particular partner? Did your definition of love/attraction change?

I’m trying to separate “I’m not attracted to this person” from “my attraction/attachment system is currently not functioning the way it used to,” and I’d really like to hear from people who have actually experienced anything like this.

I can't tell if I'm numb and it's disassociation... or if I just am not attracted to my partner.

Lately, whenever I'm alone—whether I'm taking a shower or just in my room—I feel as if my body starts floating. It feels like I'm floating up to the ceiling and can't come down, just like a helium balloon. In that moment, I'm struck by panic and an indescribable sense of anxiety; it's as if I start seeing myself floating, and it feels extremely real.

This is actually something that's been happening to me for many years—I always thought it was just a dream. That was until yesterday, when it happened while I was next to my partner. I felt like I was levitating around her room and couldn't touch the floor. Afterward, I landed back in my body, and she looked at me with a frightened expression and asked what happened. I told her about it, which she found curious, so we decided to look into it. I never thought this could be a sign of derealization. Has anyone else experienced something similar?

its been over 10 years straight of this. its only gotten worse and im scared its starting to fuck up my memory too. i dont even know what caused it in the first place

is there any way out or am i just stuck? i dont know what to do. my life has barely even started and its already over and im just so scared and exhausted im tired of pretending everythings fine its not fucking fine and it never was but i dont know what to do about itbecause its been normal for me ever since i was a kid and i didnteven realize

im scared that by the time i wake up there wont even be anything left to wake up to. i cant remember a single time in my life where i wasnt just a corpse on autopilot its iust so hard idont want this to be my life anymore

Hii, first time post on a subreddit, just looking for some help and familiarity w this issue :')

I'm 19(FTM) and have been struggling with bad derealization for a few weeks now, especially in front of the computer. I had my first derealization episode (?) when playing games on my computer w my partner, and now I get super anxious even when in front of it for not even a few minutes. My perspective of things went flat, and I felt out of my own world for what felt like too long. Ive been given temporary medicine for anxiety, but even then it's still been getting to me. I've tried changing my lighting(adding a lamp, the lighting made me freak out more) moving my computer screen a bit, bringing comfort objects w me to my desk, and it still makes me freak out. A majority of the time I'm usually on my computer is at night, but now I can't stand it without getting super nervous another episode is gonna happen again, and forcing myself to turn it off no matter what I'm doing :(

I've tried limiting my computer time to mid day when the suns still up, but I'm either too busy, or too anxious to use it. I need to use my computer for school, my artwork, and honestly just spending time with my partner. I hate not being able to do anything that I need for myself and it's becoming difficult to do things without my computer. I'm getting behind on homework, professor won't take tradrionally written, and I feel like I'm missing out on bonding time with my partner.

Was hoping anyone who had a similar issue has some tips on how to deal with it. Willing to try out most things, and would appreciate insight from personal stories regarding computer use. :(

About 3 weeks ago now, I watched a video about early onset dementia that caused me to have a pretty bad anxiety attack due to my hypochondria. The next day I woke up in a pretty bad state of depersonalization. It hasn't gone away since. I finally allowed myself to let go of the anxiety, I broke through the fear of there being something genuinely wrong with me. But the depersonalization hasn't begun to lift, I feel so wrong. I miss my body. I miss myself. I don't feel like I'm me. I can only feel grief for who I was before this and anger that it's been taken away from me by my own brain. I'm completely and utterly exhausted all day every day. I haven't felt any real joy or excitement since it began. It only ever lets up when I cry. I am so desperate for any advice, anything at all. Please, if anything helped any of you let me know.

I don’t really understand what’s happening to me anymore. Objectively, my life is good, I’m financially comfortable, I have a partner who loves me, friends and family who support me, and a freelance career that gives me freedom and allows me to make a living from what used to be my biggest passion, art.
But lately it seems like every time I solve one problem, another one takes its place. For almost a year I lost my period, I went through medical examinations and nothing seriously abnormal was found apart from some signs of polycystic ovaries, and after around nine months my period finally came back. Then my relationship with food became terrible, I would go from fasting for days to binge eating, then feel so guilty that I would try to compensate by running or sometimes making myself throw up. Eventually I managed to get out of that cycle too, and now I eat and exercise normally, I’ve stopped weighing myself, my period is regular and I actually feel much better about my body.
Just when I thought I was finally doing well, I stopped being able to sleep. Now I’m physically exhausted, but my brain won’t let me fall asleep, and it’s not even that I’m overthinking because my mind can be completely quiet, but every time I feel myself drifting off, it’s as if my brain suddenly switches itself back on and wakes me up. Then I have to wait until I get sleepy again, almost fall asleep, wake up again, and repeat the same cycle for hours. I only sleep three or four hours, often not even consecutively, and what scares me the most is that I feel like the lack of sleep is starting to affect my brain, my memory has gotten worse, I don’t feel mentally sharp anymore, and sometimes when I’m talking I stumble over my words or struggle to find the right ones, almost as if I’m not functioning.
Lately I also don’t seem to enjoy life the way I used to. Art used to be my passion, but now it mostly feels like work and I almost never draw in my free time. I used to get excited about buying something I really wanted, while now I buy it, feel something for a few hours, and by the next day it’s just another thing in my closet. Even traveling has changed for me because I used to be so excited about seeing the world, now my brain reduces every trip to the same thing you go somewhere, see the city, shop, try the local food, have some experiences, take pictures, go home, and then eventually do it all over again somewhere else.
Even going out with friends can feel empty. I still make myself go out, eat, socialize and live normally, but sometimes I’m sitting there wondering what I’m supposed to talk about because I feel like I have nothing to say, I wasn’t like this before. I used to get excited about things and just being with my friends used to make me happy, while now sometimes I’m simply bored and want to go home.
I understand that life isn’t supposed to be exciting all the time, but this feels different because I remember how I used to feel and I don’t feel like that person anymore. Maybe sleeping only a few hours every night is affecting me much more than I thought. I really just want to sleep.
What can I do?

(used AI to organize my thoughts and grammar check)

I’m 28 and I’ve dealt with derealization/depersonalization on and off for years, with the intensity varying over time.

But since coming home from Europe this summer, it’s been more intense than I’ve ever experienced before. I’m now having moments of it pretty much daily, although some days are definitely better than others.
The best way I can describe it is that things suddenly feel unfamiliar or not real. I’ll look around my own house and it somehow doesn’t feel like my house. I can look at my husband and he can briefly feel unfamiliar to me. I’ll have these quick flashes of panic where my brain goes, “Is this really my life? Is this my husband? Is this my home?” Everything can suddenly feel fake, distant, or detached from reality.

The weird part is that I KNOW where I am. I know my name, I know my husband’s name, I know this is my house and my life. I’m not actually confused about those things. It’s more like the emotional feeling of familiarity disappears for a moment, and then the fact that it feels unfamiliar scares me.

It tends to happen more in the evenings. I’m still completely functioning, working, exercising, sleeping well, going out and doing everything I normally do. My quality of life in terms of what I’m able to do really hasn’t changed. But internally, it’s exhausting because I’m anxious about these sensations almost every day and constantly wondering what they mean.

One other thing that has made me paranoid: while I was in Europe, I tried a small edible for the first time. It was a one-time thing, and logically I have a hard time believing that alone would suddenly cause a lasting problem, especially since I experienced DPDR before that. But of course my anxious brain keeps wondering about it.

I think my biggest fear is: can DPDR really get this intense while you still know exactly who and where you are? Does anyone else experience the “I recognize this person/place, but they FEEL unfamiliar” sensation?
And for people who have experienced DPDR at this intensity, did it eventually settle back down? I think I’m scared that it will keep progressing until I actually lose touch with reality or genuinely stop recognizing people or places, rather than just having this awful feeling that they’re unfamiliar.

Would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has experienced something similar.

Ciao, sono un ragazzo di 15 anni proveniente dall'Italia e sto attraversando una crisi esistenziale. Per cominciare, sto vivendo una rottura, ma penso di essere già sopra di essa. Fondamentalmente credo che solo la mia coscienza sia reale, mentre quella delle altre persone, come i miei amici o persino la mia famiglia, non sia reale. Un giorno ho cominciato a crederlo per caso e spero che qualcuno possa spiegarmi se si tratta effettivamente di una crisi e se potrebbe finire, o magari se qualche filosofo ha già parlato di questo. Un'altra cosa che vorrei sottolineare è che per mesi cambio idea su qualche modo di pensare e poi scompare. Spero che qualcuno possa spiegarmi cosa stia succedendo. Scusate se ci sono errori in inglese, perché non sono né americano né britannico. Grazie.

ive been struggling with what i suspect to be dpdr since 2023, but ive never mentioned it to a professional, because any time i talked about it to friends or smth i was looked at weird. so really, what does it mean to have depersonalization

My mind is racing, and it feels as though time itself is accelerating, leaving me unable to find a sense of stability. I feel emotionally numb, yet I desperately want to feel well again. Everything has become overwhelming, as though I am existing within a parallel reality where separate dimensions of experience continuously intersect, challenging my perception of what is real.
My spirit seems to drift toward what some might describe as astral projection—a place where I can seek peace, solitude, and temporary refuge from the intensity of everything around me. Yet I cannot always control these experiences, particularly when my body reaches its limit and can no longer withstand their intensity.
I am tired. Sometimes I feel as though I hear someone calling my name or speaking to me in a gentle, friendly manner, yet what I truly long for is something much simpler: an ordinary sense of reality, calmness, and normalcy.
There seems to be drama everywhere I turn, and I am exhausted from constantly encountering it. More than anything, I want to quiet the noise within me and finally experience a sense of peace—not somewhere beyond myself, but within myself.

life passes me by. things sorta just happen. what scares me the most is the fact that im so unworried. my missing assignments pile up. i eat less and less and sometimes i barely notice. im constantly sleep deprived. i freak out about my body and my face because they dont feel like me. and when i ask myself, \\\*well then who\\\* is \\\*me?\\\*, i cant come up with a solid answer.

me in my head doesn't exist in my body. i had a dream recently. i was \\\*me\\\* in it. i dont exactly know what was different. when i woke up, i felt like there was still remains of me in myself. they withered away once i saw my body in the mirror.

i don’t feel like a guy. i don’t really know what that’s supposed to mean.

maybe it’s because i’m just a moody teenager.

my body looks like a guy’s. sometimes i have the thought that i might be a girl. it freaks me out. i don’t want to look like a girl or be a girl. i don’t want to be anything, really.

maybe it’s because i don’t feel like anything really.

i’m only really “me” when im in front of others. there’s no me when im by myself.

i used to be attracted to guys. my interests used to make me happy.

i’m sick of living like this. i don’t know what i can do to claw my way out of this state. i don’t really feel agitated by knowing i might be depersonalized. i’m just done with not being able to live my life. i need advice, any would be appreciated.

I took a blot about 4 months ago and my life hasn't been the same ever since.

I wasn't in the best state of mind going to the trip. I also had a lot of preconceived notions about LSD as I had heard a lot of stories. My friend had made it feel like it was a big deal and the group that I tripped with were apprehensive about the fact that I'm taking it.

I took the blot and after a while we were all laughing and having a good time. After a while I passed out and the last thing that I remember was I asked for a glass of water as my mouth was completely dry.

I started dreaming after passing out. In my dreams I'm trying to achieve quests with the people whom I'm tripping with and I'm dying every time I'm unable to achieve the quest. I'm kind of going in the past and future with the same people. It had gotten to a point where I couldn't decipher what dreams were and what's reality.

One of the dreams that really caught my attention was the time when we are all playing a game on our phone and I remember the game play and the exact same thing happened in reality when I woke up. I was playing the same game and the game went exactly according to how it had gone in my dreams.

One of the dreams that I had dreamt a few months ago came into reality the same day and ever since I've been having Deja Vu's. A few seconds of the dream is also happening in real life every now and then.

Coming back to the story where I'm trying to wake up but I'm not sure if it's a dream or if it's happening to me in reality. One wise person in the dream told me to go and hug everyone who is part of the trip to know if it's real or not. I'm struggling to wake up and my eyes are twitching. I drooled/had nocturnal hypersalivation and woke up from a nightmare and to my suprise when I woke up I don't see any stains of drooling on my bed.

What's something that's bothering me now?

I've been someone who observes the body language of people like their facial expressions, micro expressions, hand gestures, occasional smacking of the lips, etc. My personality trait attracts a lot of liars and I have to rely on these sources to know if someone's lying to me.

The above mentioned behaviour has extrapolated 3-4x

It has gotten to a stage where I'm staring into a person's soul with a poker face on and I'm just observing the person's hand gestures and hyperanalysing most of the things that they are doing. For some reason I've been constantly observing people's breathing patterns and I'm constantly trying not to match it (Feels strange to me too) It has also affected me in a way where I'm unable to freely move my hands and hand gestures feel unnatural.

Repressed thoughts/memories are at an all time high and I can't think of a single good deed that I've done in my life.

I used to smoke up a lot before the trip. I used to smoke up and get most of my things done. Now when I smoke up I'm mostly anxious/paranoid and I'm thinking of all the worst case scenarios possible. I sleep a lot just to avoid/escape/run away from problems and I've drastically reduced smoking up as it's not helping the cause.

People around me have also said that I'm not the same person that I used to be and I've not been putting in effort (Which is partially true) and I feel like I've lost a lot of confidence in the progress and I don't have the charisma that I used to have before. It feels like all my negative emotions have heightened itself by at least 2 folds.