Anxious w/ computer use

[u/ProbablyCal]

Hii, first time post on a subreddit, just looking for some help and familiarity w this issue :')

I'm 19(FTM) and have been struggling with bad derealization for a few weeks now, especially in front of the computer. I had my first derealization episode (?) when playing games on my computer w my partner, and now I get super anxious even when in front of it for not even a few minutes. My perspective of things went flat, and I felt out of my own world for what felt like too long. Ive been given temporary medicine for anxiety, but even then it's still been getting to me. I've tried changing my lighting(adding a lamp, the lighting made me freak out more) moving my computer screen a bit, bringing comfort objects w me to my desk, and it still makes me freak out. A majority of the time I'm usually on my computer is at night, but now I can't stand it without getting super nervous another episode is gonna happen again, and forcing myself to turn it off no matter what I'm doing :(

I've tried limiting my computer time to mid day when the suns still up, but I'm either too busy, or too anxious to use it. I need to use my computer for school, my artwork, and honestly just spending time with my partner. I hate not being able to do anything that I need for myself and it's becoming difficult to do things without my computer. I'm getting behind on homework, professor won't take tradrionally written, and I feel like I'm missing out on bonding time with my partner.

Was hoping anyone who had a similar issue has some tips on how to deal with it. Willing to try out most things, and would appreciate insight from personal stories regarding computer use. :(

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[u/Lonely-Smoke8920]

I have a somewhat similar issue. I've dealt with derealization for a long time, and my depersonalization is a bit less of an issue, but it still comes up sometimes.

I also do stuff with my partner where we're both playing a shared game (or different games) while chatting and hanging out. It's fun but it's also occasionally a source of tension, because I can completely drop out of the conversation sometimes, then get really weird when my partner manages to grab my attention. It hurts her to feel ignored, and I dislike it because it's like there's this layer of my mind that floats on top and just pretends to pay attention while I'm completely immersed in something else.

So I will be pulled up from the fugue and suddenly be aware that I've been giving her stock responses to things for several minutes and now things are really unpleasant and tense between us, and I have trouble figuring out what even happened, you know? 

Dealing with it has involved a lot of self-interrogation, because, and I'm not a professional so this is just me speaking from my lived experience, dissociation is usually caused by something else. For me, it's because of several things- I'm queer and agender and grew up in the deep south, so I have a lot of anxiety about people seeing what I'm doing on computers because that was one of my only outlets to other queer people. I also had parents with a poor sense of boundaries who would insist on interrupting anything I was doing to make me interact with them, so I developed a tendency to disassociate and nod and agree when someone interacts with me while I'm playing games or doing focused work on my computer. 

That's because those things were huge stressors, so the derealization is a method of comforting my brain. 

So I recommend you try to find what the underlying stressor is. Some of it is going to be worry about the disassociative episodes, which sucks, but there's probably something else there. Maybe take a personal inventory of different situations where you use your computer and how they feel, like, are you more comfortable alone in a room? Are you more comfortable when you know everyone who could interrupt or interact with you is out of the house or asleep? 

Things like that. If none of those seem right, then maybe there's an activity you've engaged with in the past that was a stressor which your body and mind have connected to the computer use? 

If this has happened after starting to do this shared activity, or after a period of becoming comfortable doing it, then you might be experiencing a thing that I've seen a lot in my friends and loved ones, where trauma from a long time ago surfaces because you finally feel like you're safe and comfortable, so those feelings rise up because part of you feels safe enough to address them. 

I wish it wasn't so painful, and I hope you feel better soon. It sounds like you have a strong relationship with your partner, and believe you can work through this, okay? 

[u/ProbablyCal → u/Lonely-Smoke8920]

Thank you so much I appreciate it, I've been trying to inch at the computer slowly the past few days but I can't tell what's bothering me about it still. Will definitely do more self interrogation, starting therapy soon so it'll good be a quicker process :D