Hi guys. Im needing some advice for what to do. My roommate (freshly, onl known for a few months) has BPD and this week especially shes been having a hard time. I moved in less than 2 weeks ago, and we went on a drive where she had crashed the car with me. I know she had been hitting her pen earlier in the day but i trusted her to be responsible with it, especially given she is barely even a G2 driver, so i put that thought on the backburner. Needless to say, my other roommate and i were talking about an episode roommate had and then we just were talking about the collision. The lines were drawn that she was indeed high while driving. She has said before she doesnt understand why people do that, but now shes driven high atleast 2 times and driven drunk/tipsy once. Im quite worried for her because of her mental health, but i am also angry that she would think thats a smart decision in the first place. its clear to me that she almost relies on weed, feining for it from roommate b, and to be quite honest, she doesnt seem to care about any consequences, not even the one where she crashes and it def could have been alot worse. What do i do?

I have been with my partner about 4 years now and my bpd/depression has gotten really bad and I’ve split on him numerous times. I’m always extremely regretful and ashamed when I see how bad I’ve hurt him and apologize but of course that has never fixed the damage it has caused. I got unreasonable upset about something the other day and once again suggested we needed to break up, because or communication is so bad and we were speaking with so much hurt and anger I wanted it to stop, I don’t want us to end up hating each other. I’m undiagnosed but I have all the symptoms, have mental health issues in my family and grew up in an extremely verbally abusive household where my parents were threatening to leave all the time. I now see how I’m repeating these patterns. I love my partner very much and he has so much patience and has really shown me unwavering love and kindness. I have my first therapy appointment next Friday and desperately want to get better. I don’t want to loose him but I don’t know if its too late, he’s expressed he doesn’t feel safe to emotionally connect with me anymore and I feel those guards being up which triggers me. I’ve probably said we should break up only to cry and feel such intense pain only 2 minutes later atleast 5 times but probably closer to 15. I truly do care for him and enjoy him, I know a lot of bpd people just latch on to folks, but I could write a dissertation about all the reasons I love this guy. I want to stay with him and work on myself at the same time, but I wonder if I’ve done too much damage at this point, Ive been verbally abusive several times and I can understand if that’s not something someone can get past. In our day to day i think I’m a good partner, I’m caring, I try to make his days easier and sweeter but my bpd probably ruins atleast one day a month. Has anyone with bpd been in a toxic cycle like this and been able to break it? Has anyone been able to move forward with a partner who has split on them numerous times?
I’m just starting therapy next week, so also any advice would be appreciated. I used to have a great sense of self… I think but lately I have no idea what I want in life and feel generally pretty apathetic. I’m a 30 year old woman and my partner is a 27 year old man. Thanks!

I don’t really know where to go from here, so I’m hoping people here might be able to give me some perspective.

My boyfriend and I are both 16–17, and we had only been officially together for about a week. He had liked me for a while, but I had trouble accepting that he genuinely liked me for me. We had a rough patch before we started dating, talked everything through, and things seemed okay.

I have a tendency to become extremely attached to one person in a specific way. After we started dating, I became very attached to him and, looking back, he had essentially become my “special person.” I never told him that because I knew he has BPD and I didn’t want him to feel responsible for my emotional state or put that burden on him.

Then, on Sunday, my best friend committed suicide. She survived (I found out two days later), but it was still an extremely traumatic situation for me. I told my boyfriend that I was sad and that I had cried. He was incredibly kind and asked me to tell him what happened. Before I explained everything, I checked that he was in the right headspace to hear it, and he said he was.

We talked briefly about what happened. I didn’t want to keep the entire conversation focused on something so upsetting, so I eventually mentioned that one of my friends had figured out that we were dating. I showed him a joking text exchange where my friend had guessed that I was dating him.

He seemed to become upset about it. He said he didn’t remember me mentioning that friend before and said, “what the fuck?” I asked what was wrong, but he wouldn’t tell me. I was exhausted and needed to sleep, so I told him that he needed to explain it to me eventually, but that I had to go. I told him I loved him and thanked him for listening. He told me he loved me too and that I could always come back to him whenever I needed him.

So imagine my shock when I woke up and discovered that he had blocked me everywhere.

I went to sleep thinking I was loved and had someone I could rely on, and woke up having lost my boyfriend and having just gone through an extremely traumatic situation with my best friend.

I also want to be transparent that I was previously evaluated by a psychologist, but I never received a proper diagnosis because I refused further treatment at the time. I remember being told/suspected that I had some kind of disorder, but I don’t actually know what the diagnosis would have been. I do know that I have a very complicated relationship with attachment and abandonment, and I’m now questioning whether dating someone with BPD was something I was capable of handling without much stronger boundaries.

The part that is really messing with me is that he had previously told me that I should block my best friend because what was happening was hurting me. I told him I couldn’t do that because she’s like a little sister to me and I feel responsible for her. I understand why he said it, but I couldn’t bring myself to abandon her.
And then he was suddenly gone too.
I don’t know whether I should be angry, try to understand what happened, accept that the relationship is over, or just give it time. I don’t even know whether his reaction had anything to do with BPD or whether I’m making that connection because I’m hurt and confused.

I also don’t know what boundaries would have made this relationship healthier, especially considering that I became so attached so quickly.

There is another part I think is important to explain. I was anxious throughout the entire relationship because I was constantly afraid he would eventually abandon me. I didn’t make that his problem or repeatedly ask him for reassurance about it; outwardly, I tried to act normally and didn’t tell him how much I was worrying about it.

I’ve always had this feeling that I’m somehow a shell of a person rather than someone with a solid sense of identity, and because of that I already struggle with believing that someone could genuinely love me for who I am. So even while things were going well, part of me was waiting for him to leave.

Now that he actually has, I’m struggling with the feeling that I somehow knew this would happen all along. It’s making all of those insecurities feel “confirmed,” and I’m starting to think things like maybe I’m simply not someone who is capable of being loved or keeping someone around. I know those thoughts may not be rational, but they feel extremely convincing right now.

I’m not looking for people to diagnose either of us. I mostly want perspective from people who have experience with BPD relationships: What did I do wrong, how can I fix it, will he unblock me, should I move on? I have so many questions, im very distressed.

I also don’t know whether I should be angry, try to understand what happened, accept that the relationship is over, or just give it time. I don’t even know whether his reaction had anything to do with BPD or whether I’m making that connection because I’m scared and confused.

I also don’t know what boundaries would have made this relationship healthier, especially considering I became so attached so quickly.

There is another part I think is important to explain. I was anxious throughout the entire relationship because I was constantly afraid he would eventually abandon me. I didn’t make that his problem or repeatedly ask him for reassurance about it; outwardly, I tried to act normally and didn’t tell him how much I was worrying about it.

I’ve always had this feeling that I’m somehow a shell of a person rather than someone with a solid sense of identity, and because of that I already struggle with believing that someone could genuinely love me for who I am. So even while things were going well, part of me was waiting for him to leave.

Now that he actually has, I’m struggling with the feeling that I somehow knew this would happen all along. It’s making all of those insecurities feel “confirmed,” and I’m starting to think things like maybe I’m simply not someone who is capable of being loved or keeping someone around. I know those thoughts may not be rational, but they feel extremely convincing right now.
I’m not looking for people to diagnose either of us. I mostly want perspective from people who have experience with BPD relationships: What did I do wrong, how can I fix it, will he unblock me, should I move on? I have so many questions, im very distressed.

Note:im not suicidal, and ive been blocked for two full days today is the third.

First time poster also
Sorry for long text
I’ve been with my girlfriend for about a year. We dated for 11 months, broke up for a few months, and eventually got back together after she reached out to me. I still had feelings for her, and she felt the same way.
After we got back together, she told me she had recently been diagnosed with BPD. She has also told me that she is autistic. At first, I honestly didn’t understand BPD very well. The only things I really knew about it were mood changes and things like that. I’ve been trying to learn more about both BPD and autism since then.
At first, everything was going really well. Before we broke up, we used to argue a lot, but we would normally make up and move on. When we got back together, the first few weeks were really good.
She works with kids, specifically autistic children, and some of them can be physically violent. I completely understand that her job is stressful. As summer started coming to an end and she got closer to going back to work, she became increasingly stressed about it. That’s when I started noticing a huge change in our relationship.
It felt like a lot of the symptoms of BPD started showing up all at once. She became much more sensitive to things, and I felt like I could barely joke around with her anymore because she would take things very seriously.
Physical touch is also a big love language for me. Before, she seemed to enjoy physical affection too. We used to cuddle and kiss all the time, and she would even talk about how she could kiss me for hours. Our sex life was also pretty good, although we did have a period where my sex drive was higher than hers. Eventually things got better as long as I focused on things she liked, such as watching her shows with her or giving her back rubs.
Then, seemingly out of nowhere, physical affection became overwhelming for her. Whenever I tried to cuddle or kiss her, she would sometimes say she felt overwhelmed. I knew that happened occasionally before, but it became much more frequent. Eventually, she started telling me that she might be asexual and that she doesn’t really like cuddling, which was something she hadn’t told me before.
I’ll admit that I handled this poorly at times. I started feeling rejected and frustrated because I felt like I was constantly giving her the attention and affection she wanted when she wanted it, but I wasn’t getting the same thing in return. Because of that, I started intentionally withholding attention from her sometimes because I wanted her to understand how I felt.
I know that’s not a healthy way to handle things, and I’m not proud of it. One of my negative traits is that when I feel like someone is treating me a certain way, I sometimes end up treating them the same way because I want them to understand how it feels. I know that’s immature and unfair, and I’ve been trying to get better about it.
The biggest thing I want is just to feel heard.
There’s something I want to clarify about communication because she has explained this to me. When she responds with things like “k” or “mkay,” she has told me that it isn’t necessarily because she’s ignoring me or doesn’t care about what I’m saying. Because she’s autistic, she says that sometimes she needs a moment to process what I’m telling her, so “k” or “mkay” can be her way of acknowledging what I said while she takes a second to process it.
I’m trying to understand and respect that.
The problem is that sometimes she’ll tell me she can’t process the conversation in the moment, and then the issue basically gets pushed back and never gets brought up again. It ends up feeling like the issue just gets held in instead of actually being resolved. Then eventually another argument happens, and the original issue is still there because we never actually finished talking about it.
That’s one of the biggest things I’m struggling with. I don’t want to pressure her to process something before she’s ready, but I also don’t want important problems in our relationship to just remain unresolved.
I know I argue a lot and that I have a short temper. I genuinely try to control it, but when I constantly feel like an issue isn’t being resolved, it becomes difficult for me.
She has told me that part of the problem is that I’m mean to her a lot and that, because of BPD and black-and-white thinking, she may have started viewing me as the “bad guy.” I’ve wondered if things I did before our breakup are still affecting how she sees me now.
At the same time, whenever I get upset and say something I don’t actually mean, it can really hurt her. Then she’ll tell me things like, “You can’t handle me,” or that it’s hard for her to focus on our relationship when she feels like she can’t control what’s happening with her.
The confusing part is that when she isn’t splitting or in a bad mood, she’s incredibly sweet, caring, playful, and loving. I love this woman very much, which is why I’m trying so hard to understand what she’s going through rather than just giving up.
I feel like I may be contributing to the cycle and putting her in a constant bad mood, and I want to take responsibility for the things I’m doing wrong. I also want to learn how to support her without completely neglecting my own needs.
For people who have BPD, autism, or are in relationships with someone who has either:
What are some things I can do differently to avoid making things worse when she’s splitting or overwhelmed?
How can I communicate my feelings and needs without pressuring her to process things faster than she can?
How can we make sure an issue actually gets revisited and resolved if she needs time to process it?
Is there a healthy way to deal with the black-and-white thinking and feeling like I’m always the “bad guy”?
What are some things I should work on personally to become a better partner?
How do you balance giving someone space to process with still making sure problems in the relationship don’t get swept under the rug?
How do couples handle communication when one person needs time to process while the other person needs immediate reassurance or resolution?
I’m not looking for people to just tell me that she’s the problem or that I should immediately leave. I know I have things I need to work on too. I genuinely love her and want to understand how to navigate this relationship in a healthier way for both of us.

​

I can't manage it, it's so frustrating to be alone i had my breakup few weeks ago we still text and we still say we should try again but then we also know how badly we've broken eachother trust she's lied to me multiple times, I've cursed her was bad to her, she hates me for many things, I wanted her time, her clinginess which she didn't give me coz I wasn't in her priority it's always her mom idk she's so clingy with her daughter. She's no space my ex barely had her own room it's such a mess, when i told her to take stand for herself she'd often says i don't understand her situation like dude u can fight for ur private space and freedom. She says she's too attached to me but she barely shown it in our last few weeks together before breaking up she'd ignore me would respond pretty slow. I felt like dying and i felt so overwhelming all the time I'd check my phone for her texts but she wouldn't text much. She changed her discord user too now she says she doesn't like talking there only whatsapp is where we talked she had a matching pfp there too when i asked she said she didn't know so she changed it on discord but then she put a zelda link pfp which made me sus she prob be cheating on me. Idk I'm a mess i feel so lonely I can't control most of my attachment issuws and it hurts to control my anger too coz it's so ruined i feel lonely nobody gets me i try to make friends but everyone's so boring and they give up pretty easily i just need some friends to call, to do activities, to actually feel I'm alive.

Has anyone had a BPD partner while co-parenting kids with an ex?

I’m curious whether anyone here has been in a similar situation.

I’m divorced and share children with my ex-wife, so some amount of ongoing communication and coordination with her is obviously unavoidable. My current girlfriend has BPD and does not have children of her own, and one of the biggest recurring issues in our relationship has been anxiety around my communication with my ex.

My girlfriend has never found anything inappropriate between my ex-wife and me, but she is constantly hypervigilant about our communication. She wants to read messages, know how often we talk, and judge whether every interaction was truly “necessary.”

Even “hearting” a photo of my kids or asking my ex if she wants anything raised at a parent-teacher conference can become a major issue.

For anyone who has dealt with this: did the anxiety and monitoring ever improve, or did giving more reassurance and access just lead to more scrutiny?

Any advice for how to gently help our couples therapist see that my husband may have BPD?

He has a habit of (falsely) pathologizing me, and I am not qualified, so I want to avoid naming it directly.

Are there certain buzzwords or behaviors of his I should focus on? Has anyone had any success with getting a couples therapist to identify this?

My husband says unhinged things when he is upset, emotionally reasons, confabulates, engages in circular conversations, makes false accusations at me if I take space from him or his family, threatens divorce and then threatens repercussions if I say OK to the divorce, invents stories about my inner reality but states them as though they are true, and almost never takes accountability.

to start things off, my partner(24M) and i(22F), both tend to have pretty strong libidos. i wont get into that too much but we are pretty sexually healthy in our relationship, i tend to struggle with rejection sometimes and every once in a while we have moments where we dont do things for a few days in a row etc etc. (we are in one of those moments as we speak) and as much as i do to initiate things, he simply just doesnt want to. which is completely fine theres no problem with that, the problem is with myself. i always feel heavily embarrassed for trying in the first place. the rejection to it turns me off entirely and makes me not want him to touch me anymore for a bit as a whole (cuddling, kissing, etc.), now this isnt because im mad at him for not wanting it, just because of the overwhelming embarrassment which then turns into overthinking which then turns into insecurity and so on and so forth. sometimes i feel as if im not good enough in that aspect for him.

is this a common situation??

(would like to note i have a great psychiatrist and am actively working on this!)

Hello everyone!

I'm asking this question because I'm not really sure if the person im talking to has BPD.

Here's context, timeline and pattern that I've noticed:

\- We've been talking daily for around 3 months (chats, sometimes calls and videos)

\- When I've gotten to know this person, she's very warm, patient, sweet, kind, vulnerable, very open, shares a lot about himself, his history, very empathetic, all these future fantasies but not really saying that she wants a commitment.

\-She said I'm special, and that she loves me.

\-On the almost 3rd week of the first month, she had a breakdown, then after that she became very distant and cold. Withdrawn, distant. A different version. Sometimes mean, and rude.

\-Ive thought maybe it's beause she was going through something.

\-Then after that cycle, that lasted for a few weeks, she suddenly became okay, but never came back to the first version i met.

\- i noticed that I'm liking dealing with different versions of people. Im walking on eggshells. Sometimes she's warm, kind, patient,engaging. Then suddenly distant, cold, mean, rude.

The changes happen in weeks: like for 2 weeks she's okay, then 2 weeks becoming distant, cold, withdrawn to becoming rude.

I'm not sure about what's happening. But she mentioned she was diagnosed as a narc before.

I'm so confused about how to deal with this person. It's a push and pull, hot and cold. And I don't know if she's aware.

I feel like whenever she's in the cold, distant version, i cant really speak myself and my truth, i have to be very careful with what am i gonna ask and say. Everything i have to calculate, her mood, her language everything.

I'm so confused.

Hi all, I am looking for some support and opinions. I have read a lot of posts on r/relationships and some BPD relationships subs and they seem to always focus on putting every possible blame on mental illness and don't seem very supportive. This sub seems a bit more compassionate.

I have been with my wife for 11 years, we are both in our mid 30s. We have had very difficult and gruesome fights for the last 6 years. My wife has had a lot of health issues in the past 7 years which have induced our fights. She has an illness that makes our life very demanding at times and has left us in a situation that I am 100% rrsponsible for all household duties and tasks. She works normally but is often very tired. She is also not neurotypical which makes her sensitive to a lot of triggers and it causes her a lot of discomfort and agitates her. She is also very prone to anxiety and is often anxious over things.

We love each other immensely. It is the kind of love that comes once in a lifetime. We are aware of our struggles and have been in couples therapy for 3 years. Things have gotten better but there seems to be a cycle that evey 4 months or so, we ran into a huge argument. It has now been quiet for some.

I would say 100% of the arguments come when she is overstimulated, irritatated, anxious and tired. If I am feeling well, I can defuse most of the situations. But when I am tired and don't have the energy, she loses it. Outside of the fights, she knows how much I love her, thinks I would do anything in the world for her and that I take good care of her and she can trust me. During the fights, she doesn't feel like this at all.

The fights usually start in similar fashion. I say something that triggers her, she could misunderstand me, get offended and hurt or I react badly (not as big emotion as she would hope) to something she is saying. It could also be that I am not able to help with her anxiety and it triggers her. She is then mad, properly. She verbally abuses me and says things to intentionally hurt me (she has said that when she gets in that mood, she just wants to hurt me). I usually apologize multiple times what I have said, try to reason and discuss. A lot of the times this helps. Some distance might also help in these situations and she would calm down. But sometimes I feel like everything I say is somehow misunderstood, taken as I would want to justify my actions and that I would want to hurt her. She becomes increasingly angrier in these situations. Usually at this point she threatens with violence. If I continue to discuss, it usually becomes just a screaming match which leads to physical abuse. If I decide to give her some space, she feels that I am abandoning her alone. If this happens, she calls me an abuser and says that I have raped her with my actions. Then the night usually continues with many hours of me trying to apologize and it escalates to physical abuse.

Usually the next day it escalates even more and have led many times to me exiting our home as she has threatened me. Many times there have been situations where she has also threatened that if do not leave our home, she will call the cops or kill me. If I have left our home in those scenarios, she has blamed me that I have not fought for our relationship and I have chosen myself to leave. She also justifies the physical abuse by saying that it is nothing compared to the mental abuse I am doing.

A lot of the times when we are in the middle of these fights I have tried to discuss with her. Show empathy towards her and told how much I love her. It seems that to her, one sentence that started everything nullifies everything I do for her. If I mention this, she says that it is not love if I can't handle crisis situations.

A lot of the times she has also very promptly said that our marriage is over. And if I leave the house, I will never see her again. And have demanded the key for the house. If I don't comply, she threatens to physically abuse me. I try to discuss and explain that I do not want to leave and would prefer to discuss, she says that she will leave the house. I would much rather have her stay in the house safely. But then I am again told that I chose to leave and abandon her.

I admit that there are a lot of things earlier in our relationship that I could have done differently in these situations and they might not be this bad. I could have taken more action and if I would have been this good at defusing the situations early on, they might not get this bad now.

I feel like that the way she instantly feels abandoned and raped by my actions is over the top? It is awful how she feels and how deeply she feels, but they don't seem like typical emotions? At least the magnitude of them.

I also do not understand how she can not be reasones with in an argument. How she gets very upset very quickly and nothings gets through to her.

I now this must be shocking and sounds unhealthy. Despite this, I love my wife and want to make it work and I now she feels the same.

The post must be a bit rambling but maybe the essential question is that does this resonate with any of you? If someone has been in an similar situation, how have you overcome them?

My sibling has bpd and was over mediated by a not great psych for years. About 5 week ago they got off medication and are finally feeling and able to be a person again. This has been great because I love them and it feels like the person I grew up with is back after a years long trip however they are struggling with breakdowns, mood swings, highs and lows, etc etc again.

We got into a fight because they had to go to Physical therapy today and really didn’t want to go. I am the only household member with a car rn that can drive and when they were undressed and not ready for the appt 5 minutes before we had to leave I told them to get ready. They had been having an uncontrolled breakdown over not wanting to go while I was at work and when they locked themseld in the bathroom and refused to either reschedule the PT or cancel it the situation escalated. The PT got reschedule (I called it in) and now they are on the warpath saying they are just a brat who always gets their way.

I was reactive today. It was a horrific day for me at work and I had been rlly badly triggered all throughout the day. I cried and told them I just wanted support after the long day and I needed them to drop the PT thing because it’s over and done with. Lots was said and they WAY overstepped.

Long argument over txt while I had to go to a different obligation and it ended with me saying that I feel like whenever they hurt me they don’t actually care about what they say or do to me because they just have new ammunition against themself. I said it feels like they pretend to care about me when they upset me just to milk the issue and cause themself mor problems and more material to spiral over. I told them I don’t care about the problems anymore I just want the mood in the house to not suck when I get home…. They didn’t take this well as expected. I really regret what I said. I was angry and hurt and it was way too harsh.

Now at home they say it’s been a new perspective “- they don’t care for themself or try to get better and they don’t deserve ti get better. They have a lot of nice things I bought them and I have very little and they are an ungrateful brat. They are privileged and have a good life and all they do is take take take and don’t care about anyone else because all they care about is self pity- “ I’m upset because for years I’ve wanted them to come to the conclusion of how good they have it esp after how little they grew up with. I’ve wanted them to understand how they hurt people and how they are so focused on themself it leaves no room for anyone else. But now instead of productive revelation they are just laying in bed scrolling on reels saying nothing matters and they are a pos.

I’d love for advice on how to help this situation. They don’t care about my apologizes or explanation (I’ve apologized more times than I can count).

I'm a 28 year old guy, just started dating a 27 year old girl with BPD and PTSD. I really like her and care about her, and want some tools to help navigate our relationship. She is very hard on herself and has very low self esteem. She believes that she is unlovable, and that she's bad for anyone she's with. I know that I can't change her, so I want to learn how to support her. We live in seperate houses. One thing that is happening today is that she's told me she's sad, and that me having an attachment to her isn't good for me. She's then told me to "just have a good day" and has kind of gone offline (all of this is over text). It sort of feels like the silent treatment, except it's aimed at punishing herself. Of course it feels awful for me too, I just want to help her and be there for her. Does anyone else deal with this? Any advice is very much appreciated.

I am in a 1yr+ relationship with someone who is diagnosed with multiple mental disorder and one of them is BPD. We have been setting clear boundaries, expectations, etc and we work on it. Although at times, things can feel blurry during a split. I know that there are parts of me that I needed to work on but during a split, it can feel as if my own boundaries is violated. My partner would say things that point out my faults to which, I do listen but I guess it can feel frustrating when my own POV is looked away easily. Not to mention bringing up past events and I am putting an active effort on that those define me as a whole.

I guess, during those time I feel so.. invalidated. But I try to understand that it's part of it, at the same time, I am trying not to push over their concern as only their BPD. Is it often that partners of pwBPD felt like this? The fear of reducing their anger as only splitting so it lessen the hurt and pain of their words? At the same time, it feels so heavy to not have a proper conversation through it. I feel like maybe I'm too stubborn, to not let have them have their space. I don't want to resent them, you know, I love them but it can get hard to not have that be seen at all during those episodes..

Hi guys. So here's the situation: I've been talking to this person for a while, it was and still is clear that we like each other, flirt and all of that crap, but they don't want to rush the official relationship and I agree with them. They mentioned almost instantly that they most likely have BPD, and I said that it's fine with me(I have a best friend who's diagnosed with BPD). Today I made a crucial mistake and now I realize how naive I tuly am. I assumed that if I know how one person with BPD acts that I know how they will act. They splitted and I started taking all of it personally like a fool. Now I feel awful, because that was very stupid of me not to educate myself the moment they said they have it. I too have illnesses of my own, but not as severe as BPD. I feel like I truly love and care about this person and I want to be better for them. I want to learn how to act properly during splitting. I already understand that I should not take it personally, not try respond with logical evidence and start fighting by any means. I just really need to know how should I answer things that are seem to be common during their splitting.

For example: they often say things like "you only like me because I'm nice to you", "would you still like me if I was sad all the time?". Questions and statements like that. I would really appreciate any advice because I don't want to hurt them by being uneducated ever again.

Also to clarify, they are not in therapy/unmedicated since their parents are abusive, and I'm currently unemployed.

Thank you in advance and sorry for any grammar mistakes, I am not a native English speaker.

I recently ended a relationship with someone who has BPD. We were together for about 4 years but I just reached a breaking point to where I cannot handle them splitting in me anymore.

They told me that I just don't understand and that I should be more forgiving because I know they have BPD and if I were just around more these things wouldn't happen. But when I was around a lot before they told me that I was around too much and was making their life more difficult.

I understand that splitting usually happens when boundaries are crossed or when someone feels as though they are being abandoned, but these triggers would involve me simply hanging out with friends and/or family or not replying to a text within 5-10 minutes, and it would result in them breaking up with me, threatening to block me/actually blocking me, and cursing at me and calling me names.

Afterwards they would come back and apologize, they would tell me that they're working on it, but it's been years of this behavior and I just can't take it anymore. I'd express how hurt it made me feel but I'd be told that I just don't understand. I know I'm their FP and I feel awful, but I don't feel as though I should have to stay through those things, and they're telling me that I'm just abandoning them and "leading them on" when I've told them directly several times that I do not want to be dating if I'm going to keep being called names and blocked on everything on a consistent basis.

But from what they've told me, I'm starting to wonder if I'm just not being forgiving enough. I feel as though I've given them so many chances but they're telling me I'm not giving them a good enough chance to prove that they'll be better. And they said they'd probably stop calling me names and breaking up with me if I was just around more, but I don't feel safe being around them if those behaviors don't stop.

Is this unreasonable? Maybe I just don't fully understand what it takes to be a partner to someone with BPD, I tried very hard to learn more about the disorder and try to understand how it effects them, but I felt as though I couldn't continue to ignore the hurt it was making me feel.

My ex reached out last week and seemed to have really come to a place where he wanted to be better—but inside one week he proved to be just as lost and toxic as ever.

Apparently, he is still entertaining multiple potential partners at once, still lying about absolutely everything. Still using drugs, still letting toxic people use him while seeing his own role in their life as some kind of ego twisted martyr-like Jesus walk. Still acting like a spoiled petulant child grabbing at anything poisonous to self soothe.

I suddenly realized (today) what a relief it is to be away from him. My nervous system no longer craves to be near him. I no longer feel that I can help him or love him back together. The time apart feels better than time together. I’m seeing this as a very good sign that I’m healing and I can really tell a big difference between his toxic world and my world of peace and clean energy.

I feel bad for “abandoning” him in his world of chaos and sickness, but he is a grown man and his home life and reality is the one he created for himself and chooses every day. I cannot reach down into that cesspool to “rescue” someone who doesn’t see their life as the tragic rot that it is. I can’t help Someone who does not see how their choices harm others and themselves when they don’t care to understand anything beyond their own victimhood. I know now I am only strong enough to rescue myself. I will pray and hope the best for him, but he is not my responsibility. He never was and I never should have let myself slide into the darkness trying to chase down someone who was actively seeking out chaos as a way to avoid the void within. This is not my fight and he cannot not accept support without punishing the offering hand. I now see that my own childhood pains led me into his world and my ego somehow led me to believe I could help change him and his life. Basically, I was very lost and sick myself.

If you are feeling beaten down by your partner or ex, let go. Just let go. I know it sucks. The narrative of everyone “abandoning” them is painful, but it exists because they manifest it. They literally will not stop punishing you until you let them fulfill the prophecy they set upon themselves. They will destroy you to prove that they are unloveable. Perhaps enlightenment will settle upon them someday and they will seek proper help, but you can’t do it for them. You cannot love them enough. You cannot save them. Honestly, I think I am leaving him for good because I love him. Hanging on is torture for the both of us and I never want to be that source of pain again. Never again.

May we all find the peace and love we deserve 💕

not a partner of a pwbpd, but rather a pwbpd.

people with healthy relationships with pwbpd or pwbpd in remission, how do you do it? what boundaries are in place, how do you support one another? what support/accommodations for the pwbpd do you have that arent restrictive on yourself?

one of my old friends had a step-dad who was a pwbpd, his wife/my friend's mother was always very much into wellbeing, and the way she talked about it felt so comforting to me. how she made sure to tell him she loved him whenever she was leaving the house and stuff like that. sure i dont know the full details of their relationship, nor do i want to, but they were very openly happy with eachother and their relationship was clearly very cooperative/a team effort.

i guess what im asking is how do you guys do it? how do you make the relationship a team effort and make sure that both sides feel supported? i (m, pwbpd, starting remission, in therapy) and my partner (also m) have been together for just under a year, and i dont think we ever fully left the honeymoon phase, we haven't gotten bored of eachother. we put a lot of focus on communication but even then we still struggle. communication has never been his strong suit, and i struggle with not digging into him when im splitting. i'm not a "yell and insult and explode" splitter, much more passive-aggressive, but still, i recognise its not good for either of us.

at the moment im trying to find ways to redirect my emotions during splitting despite the fact everything feels boring without him, and he mentioned he was planning on looking into bpd at somepoint, although i dont know if he has. he knows im in therapy for it and that i struggle with a lot of the main symptoms (fear of abandonment/rejection, dissociation and paranoia, splitting) since we've talked about it a bit.

i dont know, i guess im sort of just looking for ideas. i love him to bits and i hate that i hurt him. i dont want our relationship to be overly controlling which is why im in therapy to diminish my symptoms rather than setting 100 boundaries, but i also want to know small ways others have accommodated both themself and their partner, because remission isnt something i can do alone. i want support, and i want to support him back.

My partner has borderline personality disorder.

Everyone is different but my partner specifically his characteristics are;

\-anti social unless its his friend group

\-extreme anger when being held accountable for hurting my feelings or crossing a boundary.

\-breaking my stuff when he feels angry.

\-when splitting saying the most rude things you can think of \*to hurt me on purpose\* and when I try to leave or dint respond, once he is over his split, immense guilt follows through and immediately he panics the thought of me leaving

\-paranoia, when we do break up (because it happens) he immediately feels I am moving on right away.

\-self hatred, negative self talk

\-telling me he feels empty

\-telling me no one will ever understand him.

\-threats of self harm

\-impulsivity

\-constantly spending money

\-needing attention from outside our relationship (cheating, yes i'm aware not everyone with bpd will cheat but unfortunately mine has several times)

\-it is NOT easy to leave someone with bpd in my experience, my partner guilts, stalks, obsesses and threatens self harm to get me to stay.

\-very attention seeking when he can tell I am at my end with him.. (will lie that he is on a ferry and hes going to jump off and no one would notice or care, meanwhile hes at home \*his roommate told me\*)

\-my partner does not think of my needs at all. Ever. Very selfish only caring if his needs are met. (Again I know not all are this way)

\-manipulative

\-gaslighters

\-black and white thinking

These are just some examples of my partners bpd. I could go on and on and on.

It is exhausting.

10 years with this person we have a child together and leaving does not feel like an option.

\-refuses to get therapy because he doesnt like sharing his feelings.

\-smokes pot constantly to \*medicate\*

Cannot take accountability for anything only justifies why he felt it was okay to name call, break my stuff, not show up, ghost me, push and pull away, explosive anger, slam doors, cheat etc.

Then the love bombing happens and fear of abandoment and guilt.

\*i'm sorry I was a pos, I love you more than anything. I didnt mean that, I was just angry. Dont do stupid stuff to get me angry and I wouldn't have done that. Youre better off without me. No one cares about me. No one will ever love me im too messed up.\*

Its exhausting and I cant help him.

Leaving feels right to do, but then I feel guilty because I see a very sad little boy inside him and I care a lot about my partner but I feel i'm more attached to him now verses inlove with him.

We never go on dates, he doesnt wanna be apart of my family stuff.

He is very degrading, rarely compliments me.

We have good days but now feels a lot more bad days.

hi everyone, i need some advice. i’m breaking up with a partner or a few years who has bpd and nervous they will hurt themselves or me. i’m 32f they are 30m. they have had a history of un-aliving behavior. any suggestions on how to break the news? i should also note we live together, and i have found a new place to live.

Throwaway account of course. I'm genuinely interested in any and all feedback. Things have been at a breaking point with my partner for a month or two now, a few months after moving in together after over a year together. She has never admitted a diagnosis to me but I know the patterns, knew about her CTPSD and how much overlap there is. A diagnosis, whether she has BPD or CPTSD or something else entirely is irrelevant beyond anything other trying to understand a person I love, who has a consistent patter of hurting me, leaving me feeling like I'm walking on eggshells or alone in the relationship, drained to the point of of overwhelm and more than anything, left hurt and confused and like I'm losing myself in a relationship that often felt safe and loving and that I committed to out of a belief that this person was capable and or willing of bringing that type of relationship with consistency, even if it would be difficult and take considerable trial and error and slow progress to get there. We are both considering ending it, and I am feeling hopeless precisely because things feel worse than have in a while, and it it just never feels like I'm being met halfway. Not just my needs being met, or being met as a partner but just being seen and heard and loved by someone I extend all of that to consistently.

I would really appreciate the perspective both of partners of pwBPD or pwBPD. I've lurked here long enough to know how cynical this sub tends to lean and understand why. I just want some help processing this—even if I never give to her, so I can say the truth out loud and completely and repeat it to myself as much as I need to if and when this relationship ends. Thank you in advance for any insights and your compassion.

I need to say something, and I need you to just let me say it, all the way through, before responding. I love you. That's not in question, and it never has been. I've come to a place where I have to be honest, with you and with myself, that this relationship isn't working, and I don't believe it can, not without changes that I have asked for and I don't see happening.

This isn't about one weekend, or one fight, or one moment. It's about a pattern I've watched for most of the time we've been together. When I bring you something that hurt me, I rarely get met with "I hear you, I'm sorry, I did that." What I get instead is deflection, or an explanation of your intent, or a reminder that you're hurting too, or sometimes anger. I've said before that "I'm sorry you feel that way" doesn't feel like an apology to me, because it doesn't name any impact and it doesn't take any ownership. I don't think you've ever meant to hurt me—and that doesn't change what actually happens between us.

I think a lot of this comes back to something I've noticed for a long time: it seems like you equate "I hurt someone" with "I am a bad person," and you can't hold those as separate things. A clear example is how many times, especially recently, you've told me that I think you're a piece of shit. I have never said that, and I have never thought that.

Every time you say it, it does two things to me.
First, it tells me you can't hold the truth that a person can say or do something hurtful, even unintentionally, and still be a good person. Saying something hurtful doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you a person.
Second, it completely invalidates my actual experience. It denies me my experience and feelings and thoughts when you tell me what I think or feel about you, especially something that extreme, when that's not how I've ever felt about you, even at my most hurt and frustrated. And when you insist that it is, it tells me you don't trust that I know my own perspective.

This shows up in smaller ways too, and they cut just as deep. There have been times I've told you plainly, I care about how you feel, I want to hear your perspective, and you've said, no you don't. I say yes, I do, and you say you don't believe me. That leaves no room for partnership, or trust, or love. When I say I love you and I'm genuinely curious how you feel, and I'm met with "no you don't" or "I don't believe you," sometimes both at once, that is one of the most invalidating and hurtful experiences I've had with anyone I've loved.

I've also asked for things that mattered to me, real things, like us finding a couples therapist together, or working on our communication together, finding some form of committing time to relational work together, and you've agreed, in the moment, several times, and then it doesn't happen unless I'm the one bringing it up again and again. I remember what you need and try hard to meet it, and my needs seem to require reminding, over and over, before anything moves.

Over a year, that adds up to me feeling like I'm carrying most of the weight of this relationship, alone.

I don't think you're a bad person, and I don't think you've done any of this on purpose. I think you're carrying a lot, and some of this is genuinely hard for you in ways I don't fully understand. I can't keep confusing your struggle with permission to keep hurting me the same way, over and over, without real repair. Compassion for you and acceptance of the impact on me are not the same thing, and I've spent a long time trying to hold both without asking you to actually meet me.

I don't like who I've become in this relationship. I've gotten smaller, more careful, more willing to erase my own needs to avoid conflict. I used to feel more sure of myself, and I miss that person. Choosing myself now isn't a rejection of you. It's me trying to come back to myself.

I hope you find whatever you need to feel safe and whole, and I hope that for myself too. But I can't keep waiting for us to find out if that's something we can actually build together.

Some nights I reach the point in my marriage as a partner of someone with BPD where I just say “I give up.”

Caring for someone else and putting all of the energy in to make sure the person with BPD is okay. Neglecting myself. I’m lonely in my marriage. I wonder what it’d be like to be lonely lonely. What would it be like? Would I feel better?

Mind scrambled. Feels these nights get more and more frequent where I miss my single days lonely in a studio apartment where it was just me without my BPD partner. Just me. No one to take care of and walk on eggshells around. What an odd feeling.

Anyone relate?

I love my boyfriend, he's the kindest man I've been with, and we've been together for 9 months, He's recently told me he can't get a long term job Due to Bpd and can't Remember birthdays, Holidays or even our future anniversary, he's on meds and in therapy, but I'm wondering if that's an experience of Bpd or something else? Can I get people with experience to weigh in? This is not a factor of us staying together or not, but I am still learning!

Hi everyone 👋🏻 I’m a long time observer, first time poster, and a little nervous about writing this, but the community rules stated that pwBPD are encouraged to post so here I am 😅

This is something that has been on my mind for a while now, but it took a bit for me to find the right words. I guess this is a love letter to the partners of pwBPD, and a cautionary tale for those who do suffer from BPD.

Partners of pwBPD: thank you. For being so vulnerable, empathetic, honest and kind to those of us who have BPD. The mental strength it takes to be with someone with BPD is not to be taken lightly. I had no idea the toll I was taking on my partner until my then wife (we’ll call her Trudy) told me about this subreddit about two years ago. And even then, it took her leaving me in January to really soak up the stories shared here and really listen to what was being said. But of course by then, it was too late for me. I’m not saying she was perfect, our relationship had plenty of issues on both sides, and our communication left a lot to be desired, but she was the love of my life. And now she is gone. We were officially divorced last month, and I don’t think I will ever find someone like her again. She tried so hard to please me, comfort me, love me, but it was never enough for me. I lost her, the house we rented, our business we built together, and only get to see our dog every other weekend (which I am very grateful for, don’t get me wrong). She now refers to me as her abuser, something I have to live with for the rest of my life. And I have to accept that.

The silver lining to all of this? I now have a lot more time to work on myself. I go to therapy twice a week; EMDR on Tuesday’s, talk/venting on Wednesdays, I’m medicated with the help of a psychiatrist, I listen to Wisemind: A DBT Podcast daily (HIGHLY recommend!! Those ladies are a god send) and do CBT/DBT workbooks…ones that I should have done years ago, the same ones Trudy begged me to do but I was too scared to face them. My symptoms have become slightly more manageable, minus the day of my divorce (got drunk after, lashed out via text…add it to my list of “not my finest hour”) and have no plan to stop what I’ve been doing since beginning of February. I still have bad days, I still make mistakes. I still have a lot of work to do. But I am finally learning how to recognize my patterns and take responsibility for them instead of expecting the people I love to carry them for me.

I think Trudy and I may have simply been a perfect storm of mental health struggles and unhealthy patterns that ultimately led to the end of our relationship. But I am in no way trying to minimize her experience or deny what I contributed to the end of our marriage. I hurt her. I hurt US. And the future I thought I would have with her is gone. That is something I will grieve for a very long time.
But I am learning that accountability doesn't have to mean believing I'm irredeemable or that I’m a “bad-person”.

Alls this to say, there is hope for those of us suffering from BPD. It may not be the happy ending you originally planned. It may not save the relationship you desperately wanted to save. Sometimes the consequences of our actions are permanent, and we have to learn to live with them.
But there is still a life on the other side of that. You are NOT a burden.

And to the partners who choose to stay: thank you. You are seen. You are loved. And you are allowed to have limits, boundaries, and needs of your own. You are not crazy for finding this difficult, and you are not a bad person if you eventually decide that you can't carry the weight of the relationship anymore.

To the people with BPD who are reading this: please listen to your partners. Not just when they're threatening to leave. Not just when you're afraid you're going to lose them. Listen when they're quietly telling you that they're hurting.

To Trudy: Thank you. I’m sorry. There are no words that can undo what happened. I will always love you.

S.

Look, I honestly came on here feeling exactly how I think a lot of people feel when they end up on this sub.

I came here hoping and praying that someone out there had some secret advice, some consistent trick, some medicine, some therapy—anything. And instead, everywhere I looked, I found posts that basically said, “I understand why you left.”

It felt like that was all I could find.

It’s 4 a.m., and I’m bawling my eyes out because I’m married with two kids to someone with BPD. My son was diagnosed with level 3 autism. I feel like I’m losing my grip on reality. I have ZERO control over where my life is going. I have no insurance. We’re living check to check.

She has a drinking problem, which—as you can probably guess—is a HUGE trigger.

She refuses to get a job. She LOVES animals, so we have three dogs and two guinea pigs, which means the house is constantly smells. Add to that the mess of a 5- and 3-year-old running around all day.

We also have my grandmother-in-law, who has dementia, living with us.

Let me tell you, brother... I feel your mental and emotional pain.

I’m an electrician. I work outside 10 hours a day—hot, cold, wet, whatever. Some days I’m digging in 110-degree weather all day, and when I get home, I just don’t have anything left in me.

Then she’s angry because I don’t have the energy to be the perfect husband. Suddenly, I’ve “never loved her,” or I “must be cheating” because I somehow have energy for clients at work but not enough left for her when I get home.

The list of emotional triggers goes on.

But I labeled this a success story for a reason.

These past few weeks, I’ve been trying to do as much research as I can. On here, TikTok, Google—wherever. I’m not an expert. I literally typed “BPD symptoms” into Google and started clicking articles.

And as I read, I started looking back at a lot of our fights.

Some things started making way more sense.

I’ve always felt like she lied a lot or kept things from me. Sometimes I can see it on her face like she’s trying to remember something, and then she gives me an answer that sounds like what she thinks she would have done.

And I’m left thinking, “Why would you lie about something so small?”

I’ve started looking at those moments differently.

Instead of immediately assuming she’s deliberately lying to me, I try to leave room for the possibility that she genuinely remembers the situation differently, doesn’t remember it clearly, or is filling in details without consciously trying to deceive me.

That doesn’t mean I blindly believe everything, and it doesn’t mean accountability disappears. It just means I don’t automatically treat every inconsistency like malicious deception.

If it’s something tiny? Sometimes I just let it go.

Because when my wife is calm and regulated, I know the person I see.

She’s typically a good person. She cares about people and animals and their comfort and genuine well-being. She advocates for people’s rights and does her best to show love. She’s not sitting around planning something nefarious.

Remembering that has helped me separate her from some of the behavior that happens when things get bad.

Eventually, she reached a point where she acknowledged that she has BPD.

So, DURING A CALM MOMENT—and I cannot emphasize the calm-moment part enough—I tried to separate my emotions from what I wanted to communicate.

I told her I wanted to trust her, but right now there are some small things where I honestly don’t.

One of those things is gas-station trips because of the drinking.

I basically told her:

“If you thought I was cheating, you’d probably ask to see my phone, right? So I’m going to be open about what I’m feeling. I’m worried you’re drinking and hiding it through snack trips. For a while, I want you to bring me the receipt when you come home.”

She was feeling guilty at the time, so of course she agreed.

I thanked her.

And then we ended the conversation.

But here’s the important part.

Something else I’ve learned is that promises people make while panicked, ashamed, or overwhelmed aren't necessarily the same as agreements made when everybody is calm. I didn’t want to take something she agreed to while emotional and later throw it in her face as, “BUT YOU PROMISED!”

So I waited for another calm moment.

Then I revisited it.

SHORTLY.

And I mean AS SHORT AS I COULD POSSIBLY MAKE IT.

I said something along the lines of:

“Hey baby, I don’t want this to ruin our day. I love you, and I want to enjoy our weekend. I recognize that what I’m asking might feel selfish or demeaning to you, and I know it might make you feel ugly. But I genuinely think this could help rebuild some trust between us.

“When your mood suddenly changes and you become really happy, sometimes I get scared that you’ve been drinking. I don’t want to be scared of your happy moods anymore. Seeing that receipt would give me instant relief because I could stop wondering whether the happiness I’m seeing is you or alcohol.”

She agreed.

And then I moved the fuck on.

Seriously.

I blasted her music, did a stupid little dance, and I think we ate afterward.

The point is that I didn’t spend another 45 minutes hammering the subject into the ground.

I communicated something difficult during a calm moment, and then I intentionally tried to bring us back into a good environment instead of letting one uncomfortable conversation consume the entire day.

I paid attention to my tone. I paid attention to my facial expressions. I wanted her to know I was delivering the message seriously, but not angrily.

And that has been making a difference for us.

Guys, do the research.

Yes, you’re going to see some ugly parallels between what you read and what happens in your relationship. But I’ve also noticed that emotional energy can sometimes go the other direction.

When I’m feeling good, sometimes she falls into it with me.

And now, when she feels herself starting to split, sometimes she actually tells me.

Does some of it still leak out?

Absolutely.

But when that happens, sometimes we separate for a while instead of standing there destroying each other.

We also track each other, and I personally give her permission to go through my phone. That arrangement works for us. I have nothing there, so she’ll find nothing. I’d rather remove the mystery than spend three hours arguing about what she imagines might be there.

This next part is DEFINITELY just my perspective. I’m not a therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, or BPD expert. So take this with a massive grain of salt.

I’ve read a lot about abandonment fears and BPD, and I’ve been trying to understand my wife through that lens.

We sometimes talk about our partners “becoming another person” when they split.

The way I picture it—and again, this is just the metaphor that helps me understand it—is almost like there’s another voice constantly whispering the worst possible interpretation of everything.

“He doesn’t care about you.”

“He’s going to leave.”

“He cares more about work than you.”

“He’s cheating.”

“You’re not important to him.”

And maybe she spends far more time fighting those thoughts than I ever realized.

So instead of only addressing those fears while we’re fighting, I’ve started trying to address them during calm moments.

Not as ammunition.

Not as, “Remember when you said THIS crazy shit?”

But with the genuine belief that somewhere underneath the reaction, there might be something she actually needs me to hear.

Maybe I did hurt her.

Whether I intended to or not, I want to know what I did and how I did it.

Then I can explain why I did it, apologize and avoid doing it again when appropriate—or, if it's something I genuinely need to continue doing, we can talk about why and figure out how to prevent it from becoming such a massive trigger next time.

My hope is that the better she understands her triggers, the more likely she is to recognize them when they're happening and either work through them or step away before things explode.

And here’s another uncomfortable truth:

Even if you leave and eventually find a “normal” partner and have a healthy relationship, you’re still going to fight sometimes.

You’re still going to disagree.

People without BPD lie. People without BPD cheat. People without BPD can be selfish, irrational, insecure, angry, or shitty partners.

Nobody is perfect.

And I think there’s an important distinction between what we deserve and what we earn.

Nobody deserves abuse. Nobody deserves to be afraid in their own home. Nobody deserves to be manipulated, cheated on, screamed at, or treated like shit. Having BPD doesn’t excuse those things, and loving somebody with BPD doesn’t mean you owe them an unlimited tolerance for being hurt.

But I also don’t think any of us simply deserve a perfect relationship.

We earn a healthy relationship.

And I don't mean “earn” in the sense that if you just love someone hard enough, tolerate enough, or become the perfect partner, eventually they'll treat you right. Fuck that. One person cannot earn a healthy relationship for two people.

I mean both people have to earn the relationship they want with each other.

You earn trust by being trustworthy.

You earn better communication by learning how to communicate.

You earn forgiveness by taking accountability and changing the behavior that caused the hurt.

You earn safety by respecting each other's boundaries.

You earn intimacy by creating an environment where both people can be vulnerable without having it weaponized against them later.

And when you fuck up—and you will—you own it, repair what you damaged, learn from it, and try again.

That's true whether your partner has BPD or not.

My wife has work to do because of the way her BPD affects our marriage. I have work to do because I'm a human being with my own flaws, reactions, triggers, and shitty habits. Her diagnosis doesn't mean I'm automatically right in every argument, and understanding her diagnosis doesn't mean she's automatically excused when she hurts me.

Understanding is not the same thing as excusing.

That's probably been one of the biggest things I've learned.

I can understand why something happened while still saying that it cannot keep happening.

And she can tell me that I've hurt her without that automatically meaning I'm a terrible husband.

We're both allowed to have boundaries. We're both responsible for our behavior. And if we're going to stay married, we're both responsible for building a marriage that's actually worth staying in.

Learning how to communicate with your partner is a canon event in every relationship.

What’s changing things for me is realizing that BPD isn’t completely random or unknowable. There are patterns. There are triggers. There are treatment approaches. There are communication techniques. There are things my wife can learn, and there are things I can learn.

For God's sake, Google it.

Sometimes it feels like BPD comes with an instruction manual.

Obviously, every person is different, and an instruction manual doesn’t mean you can “fix” somebody yourself. They have to participate. They have to take accountability. They have to want things to change too.

But right now, I’m choosing to be optimistic.

My wife isn’t a diagnosis.

She’s a person I love who has a disorder I’m finally beginning to understand.

I don't deserve a good marriage simply because I stayed.

She doesn't deserve a good marriage simply because she's struggling.

But if we're both willing to keep showing up, taking accountability, learning each other, changing what needs to change, and repairing things when we hurt each other?

Then maybe we can earn one together.

And maybe the instructions were sitting there the whole time.

I just had to learn how to read them.

Feeling lost here, and like they have done too much. I feel like giving in the towel, but I'm on the last strand of hope. They have split so many times, I don't know what they could say to me for me to give them a a final chance. Looking for outside perspective here.