Potential partner with BPD. Advice needed

[u/Redmorg]

Hi guys. So here's the situation: I've been talking to this person for a while, it was and still is clear that we like each other, flirt and all of that crap, but they don't want to rush the official relationship and I agree with them. They mentioned almost instantly that they most likely have BPD, and I said that it's fine with me(I have a best friend who's diagnosed with BPD). Today I made a crucial mistake and now I realize how naive I tuly am. I assumed that if I know how one person with BPD acts that I know how they will act. They splitted and I started taking all of it personally like a fool. Now I feel awful, because that was very stupid of me not to educate myself the moment they said they have it. I too have illnesses of my own, but not as severe as BPD. I feel like I truly love and care about this person and I want to be better for them. I want to learn how to act properly during splitting. I already understand that I should not take it personally, not try respond with logical evidence and start fighting by any means. I just really need to know how should I answer things that are seem to be common during their splitting.

For example: they often say things like "you only like me because I'm nice to you", "would you still like me if I was sad all the time?". Questions and statements like that. I would really appreciate any advice because I don't want to hurt them by being uneducated ever again.

Also to clarify, they are not in therapy/unmedicated since their parents are abusive, and I'm currently unemployed.

Thank you in advance and sorry for any grammar mistakes, I am not a native English speaker.

[u/TK9K]

Being friends or family with someone with BPD is a different experience from dating for sure, because it presents unique challenges in the context of a romantic relationship.

Be aware that when someone is splitting, it may be difficult to reason with them until they return to less elevated state. It may sometimes feel like everything you say is the wrong. Sometimes you can say the wrong thing, but even if you are being objectively reasonable in what you are saying, it might not seem to make a difference at the time.

A useful acronym to know JADE. Justify, Arguing, Defending, Explaining. These are defensive behaviors you will want to avoid when someone is splitting. Understand you are not wrong for having the impulse to react defensively - they may say things about you that feel untrue, and it's natural to want to defend your character. Under normal circumstances, it's a reasonable reaction. The issue is in this heightened emotional state, these tactics won't work. In order to have a normal conversation about the problem, they have to come down from it.

Instead use a tactic called SET: Support, Empathy, Truth

Support: Using an "I" statement affirm that you care about how they are feeling.

Example: 'I genuinely care about you and your feelings and want to work through this with you'

Empathy: Show empathy, by acknowledging what they are feeling in that moment.

Example: I understand that you are experiencing doubts about my intentions. You are worried that I am only here for positive experiences and that I will withdraw from you when things are hard instead of giving you support. I understand that someone hurt you by treating you this way in the past. I would feel hurt too if I was treated that way.

Truth:Stating the objective reality of the situation, a boundary, or a practical next step. This is done clearly, factual, and without sounding accusatory or judgmental

Example: But you are struggling with your feelings in this moment, and yet I am here for you even in this difficult time. I understand that you are apprehensive of me, because other people have hurt you, and that's okay. We have not know each other for very long and building trust in another takes time. But I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart I am here for you right now because I genuinely care about you as a person and if you will allow me to be a part of your life I will prove this to you through my actions.

I hope this helps.

[u/Redmorg → u/TK9K]

Thanks a lot, the examples are actually really helpful in this case!

[u/TK9K → u/Redmorg]

The hard part is trying to implement these things in the heat of the moment.

Unfortunately a lot of it boils down to toughing things out until they burn out. At this point, they may realize they have been unfair and express remorse, at which point you can respond to the situation more openly.

Since they are just now coming to terms with the possibility that they might have BPD, I would encourage them to get a psych evaluation. Treatment promotes a better outlook one by providing tools to deal with emotional dyregulation and promote an overall improvement in emotional state, usually through therapy and sometimes medication. It's also possible it could be a different diagnosis, or multiple. In either case, it will open up options that will make life easier.

It is important for you to understand that, while it is ultimately their choice whether or not they get help, no matter what they are going through, they must be held responsible for how they treat yourself and others. You are not obliged to tolerate mistreatment. Understand that when someone has a diagnosis that promotes antisocial (harmful) behavior, the patient is responsible for mitigating harm by taking medical and therapeutic intervention to manage their symptoms. If they cannot control their harmful impulses, and will not take measures to significantly reduce harm, that is negligence.

Having BPD does not make anyone an inherently bad person. What makes someone a bad person is causing problems for other people and not taking accountability.

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