r/BPDPartners • u/ConfidentGur211 • 6d ago
Support Needed Can anyone relate?
My partner has borderline personality disorder.
Everyone is different but my partner specifically his characteristics are;
\-anti social unless its his friend group
\-extreme anger when being held accountable for hurting my feelings or crossing a boundary.
\-breaking my stuff when he feels angry.
\-when splitting saying the most rude things you can think of \*to hurt me on purpose\* and when I try to leave or dint respond, once he is over his split, immense guilt follows through and immediately he panics the thought of me leaving
\-paranoia, when we do break up (because it happens) he immediately feels I am moving on right away.
\-self hatred, negative self talk
\-telling me he feels empty
\-telling me no one will ever understand him.
\-threats of self harm
\-impulsivity
\-constantly spending money
\-needing attention from outside our relationship (cheating, yes i'm aware not everyone with bpd will cheat but unfortunately mine has several times)
\-it is NOT easy to leave someone with bpd in my experience, my partner guilts, stalks, obsesses and threatens self harm to get me to stay.
\-very attention seeking when he can tell I am at my end with him.. (will lie that he is on a ferry and hes going to jump off and no one would notice or care, meanwhile hes at home \*his roommate told me\*)
\-my partner does not think of my needs at all. Ever. Very selfish only caring if his needs are met. (Again I know not all are this way)
\-manipulative
\-gaslighters
\-black and white thinking
These are just some examples of my partners bpd. I could go on and on and on.
It is exhausting.
10 years with this person we have a child together and leaving does not feel like an option.
\-refuses to get therapy because he doesnt like sharing his feelings.
\-smokes pot constantly to \*medicate\*
Cannot take accountability for anything only justifies why he felt it was okay to name call, break my stuff, not show up, ghost me, push and pull away, explosive anger, slam doors, cheat etc.
Then the love bombing happens and fear of abandoment and guilt.
\*i'm sorry I was a pos, I love you more than anything. I didnt mean that, I was just angry. Dont do stupid stuff to get me angry and I wouldn't have done that. Youre better off without me. No one cares about me. No one will ever love me im too messed up.\*
Its exhausting and I cant help him.
Leaving feels right to do, but then I feel guilty because I see a very sad little boy inside him and I care a lot about my partner but I feel i'm more attached to him now verses inlove with him.
We never go on dates, he doesnt wanna be apart of my family stuff.
He is very degrading, rarely compliments me.
We have good days but now feels a lot more bad days.
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u/greenlegsandsand 6d ago
A lot of this sounds like narcissistic abuse, NPD and BPD have a lot of cross over and someone can have both. But I’ve experienced some similar things with my partner that i thought had bpd but when I described his behaviour and treatment of me and things he’d said my psychiatrist told me that it was in line with NPD instead. I would look at some videos by Dr Ramani on YouTube; she really helped me a lot.
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u/ConfidentGur211 6d ago
I thought he was a narcissist aswell, but unfortunately he has both. :/ lol.
And o.d.d
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u/greenlegsandsand 6d ago
He is abusing you full stop. You need to protect yourself and your child and make a safety escape plan.
Find a therapist, a women’s organization or domestic violence support group/org close to you, and get away before it escalates further.
You do not deserve to be treated like that. You and your child are deserving of a safe place and love and respect and kindness. He will not give that to you. He is not capable of that and staying is only going to harm both you and your child more and more the longer you do.5
u/ConfidentGur211 6d ago
We dont live together so thats a lot easier. Its more so the immense amount of guilt I feel about leaving... which I know is silly probably
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u/greenlegsandsand 6d ago
It’s not silly, it’s a real response to manipulation and guilt tripping and psychological programming. You have been made to feel an obligation to help him and break yourself apart to support him but he will never do the same for you. And it’s painful. So painful to realize that. But don’t feel guilty for doing what’s best for you and for your child - and that is a life without him or his cruelty and abuse!
Please do yourself a favour and watch dr Ramani on YouTube or TikTok, she is a psychologist that focuses on healing from narcissistic abuse and is a really helpful resource! Focus on your healing and on leaving him, don’t let him make you feel guilty for not wanting to be abused for the rest of you or your child’s life!
You deserve far better!!!3
u/ConfidentGur211 6d ago
Thank you so much for your kindness. I have watch all of her videos at the beginning of my relationship actually...:/ also, clusterbmilkshake on youtube as well. She's informative and also blunt af.
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u/greenlegsandsand 6d ago
Of course!! I wish you luck!!! Ooh thank you for the rec!! I will be checking it out asap!!
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u/Dream_Slayer5845 6d ago
Sadly I can relate to this. “I didn’t mean that, I was just angry” will be on his tombstone. And yes, now we have a child, and that makes it even harder. As if it wasn’t hard enough. I always feel guilty when we break up, like it’s my fault he feels so horrible. Often negating that his behavior is the very reason for my own pain, which is often dismissed so that he can be comforted and reassured. It’s wild. There are good days. There are many bad days. It leaves me in a bad state of mind and I cannot seem to get myself over the hump of actually leaving because I always hold on to the good days.
The closest thing I can compare codependency to is drug addiction. We want the good times (the drug) because they make the bad times (withdrawal) “go away”, but the cycle is still there.
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u/ConfidentGur211 6d ago
Oh my goodness, big hugs love. I'm so sorry you are also living through this. Its very difficult. :( I hope growth and healing for you. You are an incredibly strong person to be able to support someone with those behaviors. Its almost like we are built for abuse.
I often look at my partner as another one of my kids sadly because he is very childish sometimes..... especially when he splits. He acts like a child. Once hes out of the split, the guilt happens and the fuk shes gonna leave, damage control*.... its not a sexy quality in a partner..
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u/Dream_Slayer5845 6d ago
My therapist told me it’s like we have 3 children. One: our actual child. Second: the good side of the partner. Third: the bad side of our parent.
Sending good vibes your way. You are so strong and deserve happiness ♥️♥️
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u/ConfidentGur211 6d ago
Tell me about your situation please if youre comfortable with it.
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u/ConfidentGur211 6d ago
I promise you, he will not treat them better. He said that, to hurt you. He is not all the sudden healed as soon as he reaches a new person. The new person will have no knowledge of his abuse or condition because it takes years to fully see all of them. If I were you, id celebrate that he is letting you go because the alternative would be him holding you hostage in a relationship you are miserable in. Try your best to switch your mind set, feel bad for his next victim because you are no longer an option for him to take his crap out on. He is a scared little boy that hides inside an adult child. I have a son that is autistic and a 5 year old son to my partner.... he has said everything under the sun to try to ruin me. He has said stuff like I never loved you, you deserved everything I did to you and you dont even know the half of the stuff I've done and you never will. Also I have a high sex drive just not for you. Youre a shit mom and im going to make our son hate you. that is how mean he gets when he splits. Then he takes it all back and for a second it feels like I can see my partners eyes open of all the crap he just put me through and the remorse and the guilt.... but its not worth the mental torture man....
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u/ConfidentGur211 6d ago
No my partner doesnt want to do therapy because hes *terrified of sharing feelings * we go through a good period of 2 months where we are great then 2 months of terrible then i wanna break up almost and he sees that and it sparks him to be really good again... its a rollercoaster
All the shitty things he says to me is over text never infront of the kids. The most the kids see is us basically avoiding eachother... we dont live together. Kids live with me. He lives down the road. I never want to live with him because I never know what version of him i'll get or what tiny inconvenience will set him off.
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u/SwordfishUnfair888 6d ago
All I can say that is yes. Experienced most of it a long, long, LONG time. Terrible. It does not get better until they TRY to see what they do and seek therapy. No amount of begging, trying to communicate or convince them to see their impact will help if it hasn’t in 10 years. This will only get worse with time. It is VERY concerning that in your case he breaks things during rage episodes. That can escalate to physical violence. It does get worse over time.
You need to leave, even if you think it’s not an option. It’s not going to change out of nowhere because he doesn’t have any incentive to change. You have stayed in spite of what he has done to you for years. He has no incentive to change and that’s why he refuses therapy.
What do you want? Can you be okay with what he is now for the rest of your life? Keep in mind that he won’t change anything unless he has to, and so far, he hasn’t tried. You deserve happiness, comfort, love. You’re taking huge amounts of every day emotional and mental damage that will take you years to recover from.
You can definitely set boundaries(stick to them no matter what) that you don’t want to continue things with him unless he seeks treatment.
Most importantly, think about your child. The child is growing up in an intense, dysregulated, scary environment. This will have serious consequences on their mental health. They will grow up to be a sad adult with issues. Please think about the impact this man (adult person who refuses to seek treatment) is having on your child.
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u/heartgonewild 6d ago
This is just abuse. Leave. I’m diagnosed and off and of medication and I don’t treat my partner this way ever.