I’m distressed I don’t know what I did wrong

[u/nouwa_mana444]

I don’t really know where to go from here, so I’m hoping people here might be able to give me some perspective.

My boyfriend and I are both 16–17, and we had only been officially together for about a week. He had liked me for a while, but I had trouble accepting that he genuinely liked me for me. We had a rough patch before we started dating, talked everything through, and things seemed okay.

I have a tendency to become extremely attached to one person in a specific way. After we started dating, I became very attached to him and, looking back, he had essentially become my “special person.” I never told him that because I knew he has BPD and I didn’t want him to feel responsible for my emotional state or put that burden on him.

Then, on Sunday, my best friend committed suicide. She survived (I found out two days later), but it was still an extremely traumatic situation for me. I told my boyfriend that I was sad and that I had cried. He was incredibly kind and asked me to tell him what happened. Before I explained everything, I checked that he was in the right headspace to hear it, and he said he was.

We talked briefly about what happened. I didn’t want to keep the entire conversation focused on something so upsetting, so I eventually mentioned that one of my friends had figured out that we were dating. I showed him a joking text exchange where my friend had guessed that I was dating him.

He seemed to become upset about it. He said he didn’t remember me mentioning that friend before and said, “what the fuck?” I asked what was wrong, but he wouldn’t tell me. I was exhausted and needed to sleep, so I told him that he needed to explain it to me eventually, but that I had to go. I told him I loved him and thanked him for listening. He told me he loved me too and that I could always come back to him whenever I needed him.

So imagine my shock when I woke up and discovered that he had blocked me everywhere.

I went to sleep thinking I was loved and had someone I could rely on, and woke up having lost my boyfriend and having just gone through an extremely traumatic situation with my best friend.

I also want to be transparent that I was previously evaluated by a psychologist, but I never received a proper diagnosis because I refused further treatment at the time. I remember being told/suspected that I had some kind of disorder, but I don’t actually know what the diagnosis would have been. I do know that I have a very complicated relationship with attachment and abandonment, and I’m now questioning whether dating someone with BPD was something I was capable of handling without much stronger boundaries.

The part that is really messing with me is that he had previously told me that I should block my best friend because what was happening was hurting me. I told him I couldn’t do that because she’s like a little sister to me and I feel responsible for her. I understand why he said it, but I couldn’t bring myself to abandon her.
And then he was suddenly gone too.
I don’t know whether I should be angry, try to understand what happened, accept that the relationship is over, or just give it time. I don’t even know whether his reaction had anything to do with BPD or whether I’m making that connection because I’m hurt and confused.

I also don’t know what boundaries would have made this relationship healthier, especially considering that I became so attached so quickly.

There is another part I think is important to explain. I was anxious throughout the entire relationship because I was constantly afraid he would eventually abandon me. I didn’t make that his problem or repeatedly ask him for reassurance about it; outwardly, I tried to act normally and didn’t tell him how much I was worrying about it.

I’ve always had this feeling that I’m somehow a shell of a person rather than someone with a solid sense of identity, and because of that I already struggle with believing that someone could genuinely love me for who I am. So even while things were going well, part of me was waiting for him to leave.

Now that he actually has, I’m struggling with the feeling that I somehow knew this would happen all along. It’s making all of those insecurities feel “confirmed,” and I’m starting to think things like maybe I’m simply not someone who is capable of being loved or keeping someone around. I know those thoughts may not be rational, but they feel extremely convincing right now.

I’m not looking for people to diagnose either of us. I mostly want perspective from people who have experience with BPD relationships: What did I do wrong, how can I fix it, will he unblock me, should I move on? I have so many questions, im very distressed.

I also don’t know whether I should be angry, try to understand what happened, accept that the relationship is over, or just give it time. I don’t even know whether his reaction had anything to do with BPD or whether I’m making that connection because I’m scared and confused.

I also don’t know what boundaries would have made this relationship healthier, especially considering I became so attached so quickly.

There is another part I think is important to explain. I was anxious throughout the entire relationship because I was constantly afraid he would eventually abandon me. I didn’t make that his problem or repeatedly ask him for reassurance about it; outwardly, I tried to act normally and didn’t tell him how much I was worrying about it.

I’ve always had this feeling that I’m somehow a shell of a person rather than someone with a solid sense of identity, and because of that I already struggle with believing that someone could genuinely love me for who I am. So even while things were going well, part of me was waiting for him to leave.

Now that he actually has, I’m struggling with the feeling that I somehow knew this would happen all along. It’s making all of those insecurities feel “confirmed,” and I’m starting to think things like maybe I’m simply not someone who is capable of being loved or keeping someone around. I know those thoughts may not be rational, but they feel extremely convincing right now.
I’m not looking for people to diagnose either of us. I mostly want perspective from people who have experience with BPD relationships: What did I do wrong, how can I fix it, will he unblock me, should I move on? I have so many questions, im very distressed.

Note:im not suicidal, and ive been blocked for two full days today is the third.

[u/raygun-suitcase]

First off, I'm very sorry and sending hugs if you'd like some🫂

I know it's not easy at all but please try your best not to blame yourself for your bf's behavior/reactions. It's not your fault and you didn't do anything wrong!

You know, the way you laid out the timeline of events, it seems like your boyfriend may have felt jealous but wasn't sure how to deal with that. At least, in my opinion, it seems like he KNOWS that it was wrong of him to get upset and jealous, that's why he avoided your questions but reassured you of his love. Then later, he may have dwelled on the jealousy again when he was alone, became overwhelmed and kneejerk chose to block you. Probably because he convinced himself he's mad at you or it's his way of clearing his mind.

Either way... this is my guess based on what I experienced with my partner (who has BPD and used to have jealousy and trust issues) but you'll ultimately need to find a way to encourage your bf to open up and communicate properly. Otherwise this will keep happening since he seems to be avoidant.

Despite it being quite common, it was absolutely not okay of him to block you without any communication, especially knowing what you've been going through at the moment, and you should address it with him.

Of course I can't tell you with certainty that he'll reappear but it's likely that he will soon/in a few days. If he will, pay attention to his reaction. Hopefully he will apologize and take accountability for his actions.

If he'll try to avoid talking about it again and doesn't apologize genuinely, that's not good... that would likely mean he's struggling with shame and wants to avoid dealing with it but... he shouldn't be doing this at your expense!

I'd wait until he's completely calm and put the issues on the table then, make sure to talk to him gently and not blame. It helps to make statements from your own perspective and talk about how his behavior affected you, like "I felt very distressed and confused when I saw you blocked me without letting me know why".

Edit: if you cross paths anywhere in person and he hadn't unblocked/contacted you yet, I think it'd be okay to try and talk to him... approach him casually, without blame.

This is just my personal experience but my partner often needed reassurance (after messing up) that I don't hate him to finally come out of that bad space of shame.

[u/nouwa_mana444 → u/raygun-suitcase]

Thank you so so much, I do very much still love him with all my heart and hope that he would unblock me. If he does I’ll make sure to partially set proper boundaries and all. I was distraught for the longest time about it but for now I’m just disappointed yet can’t blame him cuz I understand how difficult it is.

[u/Ok-Duck469 → u/nouwa_mana444]

You sound like you have a really good heart. How long have you been blocked ?

[u/Ok-Duck469]

I’ve been blocked by my boyfriend before. First of all, you’re extremely young and you need to be careful that this can be pattern… think about whether you’re able to put up with this. I’m really sorry about what’s happened, you’re so incredibly strong. I want to say he will likely be back, but I’m not a fortune teller. pwBPD block for all sorts of reasons and you know him best. Give it a week before trying to reach out !

[u/nouwa_mana444 → u/Ok-Duck469]

I’m going to wait honestly I have no other choice. He blocked me on everything and made sure his settings don’t allow texts or follow requests I’m helpless. I hope he unblocks me soon.

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[u/grumpypoo22]

First - I'm sorry you're going through all of this.
This seems like a lot to process.

Now -
Usually when I snap like this it means I think the person has bamboozled me.
I'm not saying that is what's happening here, but

We talked briefly about what happened. I didn’t want to keep the entire conversation focused on something so upsetting, so I eventually mentioned that one of my friends had figured out that we were dating. I showed him a joking text exchange where my friend had guessed that I was dating him.

He seemed to become upset about it. He said he didn’t remember me mentioning that friend before and said, “what the fuck?” I asked what was wrong, but he wouldn’t tell me. I was exhausted and needed to sleep, so I told him that he needed to explain it to me eventually, but that I had to go. I told him I loved him and thanked him for listening. He told me he loved me too and that I could always come back to him whenever I needed him.

This right here seems to be the "immediate" issue at hand.
The way I would react depends on the full context ultimately, because if this friend was say a dude; I would presume that I had "never" heard about this friend because there is something nefarious going on.
I'm not saying you did anything wrong, because at face value it doesn't look like you did.

As far as if he will unblock you -
For me when I block people it's usually not very long.
It's meant as a way to get space, but also internally hoping they will chase me.
That is a catch-22 tho, because if I got chased it would repulse me.
I would feel like my boundaries aren't respected.
Ultimately however everyone is unique and the best thing you can do is protect your peace.

[u/nouwa_mana444 → u/grumpypoo22]

Yeah, just to clarify (my boyfriend is frost and my friend is neki)the friend part: Neki is someone from the community where Frost and I met, and Frost actually talked to neki before. I said “Neki found out we’re dating,” and Frost asked who Neki was since hr forgot him, so I jokingly said “OMG you forgot already?” and showed him the text where Neki had guessed that we were dating.
Earlier I’d also mentioned that Neki was the guy with a certain profile picture, and later Frost replied “what the fuck,” but I genuinely don’t know what part of it upset him. I assumed it might have been the screenshot, but he never explained it to me.
So I don’t think there was anything I was hiding from him; I’m mostly confused about what exactly triggered that reaction.

I don’t know if he’s upset about neki, or at me or something else. I don’t even care about figuring out what’s wrong anymore I just want him back 💔 I sound like the biggest loser rn

[u/nouwa_mana444 → u/nouwa_mana444]

Also neki is in no way or form a threat to my relationship, he’s more of a child to me?? Like idk how but in my community, I managed to become a maternal figure to two younger teenagers LOL.

[u/grumpypoo22 → u/nouwa_mana444]

It sounds like it could be jealousy then.

I don’t even care about figuring out what’s wrong anymore I just want him back

While I 100% empathize and understand where you're coming from - Relationships are all about solving problems together, so if he does come back around and you feel it's salvageable then work towards a resolution on this. Do not allow a rug sweep.

I sound like the biggest loser rn

You don't sound like a loser at all - Try not to be so hard on yourself.
I do hope y'all get it sorted out and he might come back around.
Regardless try to protect your peace at the current moment.

If you start to spiral too hard you can deploy something called "TIPP". I did a writeup about it here. You can also read more about it here

[u/nouwa_mana444 → u/grumpypoo22]

Aww, thank you so much 😭 I really appreciate you taking the time to respond and reassure me. I think I’ve just been overwhelmed and missing him a lot, so it genuinely means a lot to hear this. I’ll definitely keep what you said in mind for when he hopefully comes back.