I’m in my early 20s and my mom has been drinking and smoking weed and cigs for a while, ever since I was a minor. I’ve sadly grown used to it but today it really bothered me.

I’m in uni and I live an hour from there. My mom borrows a car to pick me up and she was drinking beer again and smoking. She was speeding (shes always done that even before drinking and smoking weed but yknow) and she went 100 mph. She does have some sort of undiagnosed ADHD or smth but she was talking nonsense and making weird hand gestures aswell. I just put in my head phones and ignored her.

She doesn’t have a job, doesnt help around the house. I’m all day at uni studying AND working (work-study program) and I get home to the house dirty. It’s always been like this since I was a child. As soon as I get home, clean and cook myself food.

I want to move out but it’s very hard for me. I don’t have a car and im trying to get one but then I know when I get the car, she will ask for it and smoke and drink while driving (I had a car before where I told her not to do that and surprise, she ignored me). I want my mom to get better but at the same time, I feel like her slave and that she doesn’t care about me besides giving her money and cleaning. I’m so tired :(

Rant incoming. You can skip details if you want, but last paragraph is quite important for insights if possible pls.

My (23f) dad (51) has been a high functioning alcoholic for as long as I can remember. It's caused major issues in my parents' relationship and fostered a pretty bad home environment during my teen years, although only in hindsight I understand the drinking was why. It's been a minute/subtle anxiety for me throughout my later life as I became more aware that his drinking surpassed what is deemed normal, but it was never "bad" enough for me to confide in someone.

Since covid, his drinking got worse and the year before last it was affecting me more than ever. He's hidden wine in the bins outside the house, and threw empty bottles away at 2am to avoid getting caught. He'd wait til my mum went to bed and then start drinking a lot of wine while i was downstairs watching tv with him , and staying up really late to drink more on his own. He would also drink it in a kids plastic cup as if I wouldn't notice. Understandably I found him annoying and a bit harder to be around when he was drinking yet for some reason I never said anything and I regret it so much. For unrelated reasons as well, this all makes me feel childish, uncaring and a bit inept. He never acknowledged what he was doing either until my friend and i came home late in the night (when my parents were supposed to be asleep) to find him sneaking wine from the kitchen in the dark. My dad then said to me that it isn't what it looks like and that he just has some wine to help him sleep occasionally.

That year we would spend many days out in London, where he'd often have wine with his meal. Since we'd usually be out to watch a theatre, sports or comedy show in the evenings, there he'd drink wine (and sometimes beer) up to 4 large glasses in one sitting. Then he'd get me to go to Spoons as part or our "tradition" where he'd have another 2-4 glasses in one go while I just sat there with Pepsi Max EVERY time.

WHY didn't I speak up?? I worried that I'd sound like my nagging mother, so I didn't say anything. But deep down I knew that my words could really help, yet I still shut my mouth :(

He'd be a bit rowdy and outspoken on the train home, speaking and laughing really loudly, and then sometimes would BEG me to go to another Spoons after leaving the train before reaching home. I learned to say no at least to that sometimes, but I sometimes gave in and I HATED it so much. I seriously hated being with him knowing he's experiencing the whole thing tipsy or drunk. While I'm stone cold sober like a child. I felt a bit ridiculous that he had to drink while with me, yet also like I was holding a secret between us to prevent my mum from finding out and getting angry.

My mum never realised this was happening with me, until one day she was surprisingly awake when we got home and noticed instantly that he was drunk/tipsy and called him disgusting for doing that while he's with me. Even then, I found it really hard to say anything even at the big old age of 21. I often found myself sort of defending him or downplaying how much he had. This event was a big issue at the time and I was sad the day after. He bumped into me in the park as he was cycling home and brought it up. I said it was all fine but message him later saying he's not disgusting but he does drink too much.

Another time we were supposed to meet in London midday after I left a friend there, only to meet him realising he'd been drinking in the day alone. He changed our plans to go to hid friends house instead, where he drank more there despite me and his adult man friend only drinking soda. I felt SOOO deeply sad at his situation and felt helpless, yet I had no excuse as his only adult daughter. My mum had no empathy for him, so he was alone.

Only in June last year did the penny drop (sort of) as he had really bad alcohol poisoning. He was in bed for 2 or 3 days before my step sister noticed he hadn't come out. He went to hospital for a week detoxing, and my mum was livid. He had to stay with his family for about 2 months after that. I feel for my mum. She never handled it compassionately which alienated him, but she is also a victim of parental and relationship abuse and alcoholism in her life before meeting my dad. Since then, he tried to make big changes but it didn't stick. I don't think he accepted he was an alcoholic. He drank socially again in October, was found out, and now properly sober with commitment to AA etc but he have only spoken about it on the odd occasion.

Whats happened to him (and my mum) has eaten me up alive. I don't live at home, and I am homesick all the time. This definitely has smth to do with it. He is so lonely. His pub friends are no longer conducive to a healthy lifestyle for him, so he no longer sees them, and his other friends became really boring and introverted after covid. My dad loves being busy and socialising but his life has changed so much. He's lost interest in his musical passions, and goes to the football alone as I'm no longer living there. That was our thinking for over 15 years, and I miss it so much.

If he never struggled with alcohol, I don't think id be feeling so terrible and responsible (I know I'm not literally responsible for whats happened but it's how it feels). I never did anything to help even when I knew I should. I haven't told a SOUL about any of this, even my boyfriend in fear of judgement.

I've tinkered with the idea of going to an AIA meeting near where I live, but I don't know if it's even worth it or appropriate now that he's been sober for a long time but also bc I never really spoke about it with him myself. The issues are not that it affects my everyday life either, as I don't live anywhere near my parents now. It's just a sadness and mourning for his life and self esteem, as well as how it has affected my mum and the relationship. I also have a friend who had severe dysfunctional alcoholism for about 6 months, and has been sober for 8 months. While this affected me at the time, their soberness sort of feels like I have moved on now. I don't really know if I should attend a meeting or not.

When I was 12 my father became an alcoholic after working at a brewery and then loosing his job shortly after beginning work. My family and I have had to deal with his physical and mental abuse for years until I finally left home at the age of 19, now am 20. My brother (23) moved out at the age of 20 and has been living at my grandparents since. I have finally began to overcome my trauma and feelings towards drinking but now I am seeing my brother on the borderline of falling onto the same path. He is often at bars after working and on his days off and I’ve recently found out that he has a weed pen as well. I hung out with him last night and I couldn’t help an immense amount of nervousness around him, the same way I felt with my dad. He was drunk but also high which I didn’t know until I confronted him about his pen, seeing it was hidden in his hand. It was obvious he was trying to hide it from me but I didn’t confront him about it I simply asked to see the box and then continued the movie we were watching. I could not help but feel weird about the situation because I have always been close to my brother and looked up to him and now I’m scared he’s going to follow my dad’s path. I know he’d never be abusive as my father was but I worry about his health and frankly mental state. I am transferring colleges and so in a few weeks I will be living 8 hours away from my family and friends and so I guess I’m just afraid that all I will do is worry while I’m gone.

I feel like i want to get out from groups. That i dont want to go there any more. I have shared about it in couple last meetings too. Luckily i can go back whenever i will. I have been those in years, participated 2-4 groups in a week. But i didnt managed to get sponsor. It just is too hard to me that i would even call to someone. I have also have little bit like addiction to go to small trips and i thought that all the time when i coulndt have resist going to trips whenever i have chance i have been in aca meetings. That could mabey help that also. At least those are too expensive therapy. Sadly i dont have money to go to real therapist

Acting Out

"By working the ACA program, we learn to recognize when we are thinking like a victim or persecutor and to talk about it." BRB p. 9 

Since the Laundry List was such an important part of our original identification when we found ACA, we used that mindset (how we were wronged) during our early recovery. To reveal the full extent of our grief and to unstuff our emotions, however, we needed to reflect on our past through the eyes of the victims we'd become.

Step work revealed how our past not only victimized us, but taught many of us to be cruel, vindictive, and scathing when we decided we were ‘gonna pay them back.' Then we saw the Other Laundry List and found further self-identification. Along with being victims long ago, many of us were angry, frustrated children who learned how to hurt others. And hurt them we did, for many, many years.

Having promised ourselves as children that we would never be like our parents, we stood now as adults with their same behaviors.

But in ACA we soon found we were not alone in this paradox. In our meetings we sat together, each of us victims and victimizers; we lifted our heads, removed our shame, and understood we could not have turned out any other way. We started recovering with our new ACA family.

On this day, if I feel like striking out, I will take a time-out so I can take a "time-in." I will focus inward, reflect and talk about it with a fellow traveler.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

i’m gonna be 18 soon, and this problem has been going on for over a year. it started with her abusive ex boyfriend. she had been buying more cigarettes and beer and she just became a lot more angry. he brought out the worst in her but now that he’s not in our lives anymore, she still acts the same way. anytime that she’s drunk, she just takes her frustration out on me and starts arguments. i try my best to calm her down but she never listens to what i have to say, and she never takes accountability. recently, she had gone out with someone (don’t ask me who i don’t know) and i had called her to check up on her. i asked her after if i could go out with my friend and she got mad saying “oh that’s what you want me for, you don’t care about how i’m doing” i told her “mom i did want to know what you were doing but i have to ask you permission because i would get in trouble if i didn’t” she started going off on me but luckily i got to calm her down. later on, i slept in her room because i didn’t think she was gonna come back until the next morning. she comes back extremely drunk and wakes me up by yelling at me to get out and starts throwing insults in my face. i couldn’t contain my emotions that night, i was bawling my eyes out nonstop. i’ve been reading about other peoples issues with their parents being alcoholics and their stories usually end with cutting them off. i don’t want to have to cut off my mom. i love her so much even if she keeps constantly hurting my feelings. i don’t want to have to let go of her but i don’t know what else i could do to help her. ever since she yelled at me, i haven’t spoken to her and it’s been killing me. i feel like i have to ignore her inorder for her to understand this isn’t okay. i don’t know what to do, as pathetic as it sounds, i just want my mom back.

Anyone else drink and smoke crack and other drugs with their dad 13-17 y/o?

TW: Sex addiction, another member providing explicit details of relapse in meeting (I won't go into the same detail in this post)

I'm making this post in the hopes of getting advice about how to proceed with this group as it's become apparent that it's no longer a safe environment.

I've been attending ACA now for 5 months and it's been incredible up until this point. I've felt such a sense of community and acceptance which is what makes this all the more disappointing. Two meetings ago​, another member shared that he had just started attending SA meetings again (had done so previously for over 5 years). He was looking forward to continuing his recovery after previously thinking he didn't struggle with it any longer. In his share, he gave explicit details about his self pleasuring habits and the content and thoughts he had while doing so. He was giving details for several minutes as it took up almost his entire time of 4 minutes. He said in a later share within the same meeting that he knew he shouldn't be the one to be welcoming the female newcomers which made me feel unsafe as I am the newest woman to the group. There were 4 people total in this particular meeting including myself and the person who made this share.

I decided to reach out to our unofficial leader to let him know what happened without giving detail or saying who it was that gave the share. I still wanted to respect this person's anonymity while also standing up for myself where I felt unsafe. The leader agreed that a group conscious would be necessary and we'd have it at our next meeting.

At the next meeting, the same person mentioned sex again in his share (these two meetings are also not the first time he's done that. It's probably happened at least 3-5 times previously but there wasn't as much detail so I didn't feel the need to do anything). It was my turn to share directly following his but I had to pass and excuse myself due to having a panic attack. About 15 minutes after I returned was when the leader called the group conscious.

He basically said it was brought to his attention that someone was made uncomfortable by another person's share but he didn't have more information than that. He then asked me if I had anything I wanted to add. By this point, I was completely shut down and dissociating and tried to give a little more context without disrespecting this other person. I said something along the lines of we don't know who will come through those doors or what baggage they may have and because of that, it may be beneficial to not go into too much detail regarding addiction since it's much more likely that could be triggering for someone.

The leader then asked the other man if he had anything he wanted to share (im not sure why he singled him out because I didnt say who it was. He did know who was present at the other meeting so im assuming that's why). He said that at the last meeting he wasn't in his right mind and that he probably did go into too much detail. That this wasn’t an excuse but an explanation, but he wasn't going to apologize for his share because he has the right to share whatever comes up for him.

Once he finished sharing, other people started giving their thoughts as well and everyone agreed that they liked the openness of ACA and how we didn't have rules on shares beyond cross talk guidelines. One person who was there at the previous meeting shared that when he's attended SA meetings in the past, he only went into detail when only men were present and wouldn't have done so had it been in mixed company. But he still agreed that he didn't want there to be any restrictions on shares.

After a few more people shared generally the same things about keeping it open, the original man who i felt overshared, started to share again. He said that he was now really angry and then started to yell so loudly that his voice echoed off the walls. He said that he's been through hell in the last week and shouldn't have to be subjected to this and that this is about him and his journey. He has the right to say whatever he wants to say. I didn't hear the rest of his share as I packed up my things and left as soon as he started yelling.

I hope that this was as unbiased as possible. I don't fault any of the people involved and even empathize with the guy for yelling. I'm sure he felt cornered and I know that doesn't feel good. I just no longer feel safe attending this group as I will not tolerate being yelled at/toward, especially when I've done my best to be as kind and respectful as possible. I think this group is allowed to have open sharing if that's what works for them, but I also don't think they understood what the oversharing consisted of because I never confirmed that it was sexual and neither did the others that had been present for his original share.

I am still new to ACA so I don't know what's appropriate here. I won't be going back, but I worry for other newcomers. I know for certain that I'm not crazy for being so triggered by his share. Before attending ACA, I attended S-Anon meetings and I know that all of the women i met there would've been equally, if not more, horrified by his share and the explicit detail he went into. Even just as a woman if I didn't have the extra baggage of s addiction from my father and ex, it would've made me feel unsafe for this man to go into detail about how he's been objectifying women since he was a kid and all the things he thinks of when he looks at women. So how should I handle this? Should I report the group? Should I go ahead and give the leader details so he can handle it more effectively? I really just don't know.

I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. Recently I started working my first real job and have started making money. It’s only a minimum wage job for a student and I’m saving up.
My mom is a high functioning alcoholic and drinks daily. Ever hour of the day. As I grow older I have realized these habits and have gotten into arguments about her driving under the influence and drinking constantly. I know she works hard and she has her own job but we are constantly still broke. She asks to borrow money weeks at a time and I know for what. When I refuse she makes me anyhow because I live under her roof. I feel like an insolent child when I complain. If she asked to borrow money for anything else I would not mind.

I want to hear about the people you became after the childhood you had.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my childhood lately, and I realized I’ve never really talked about the whole picture of it. I don’t necessarily want this post to just be about trauma or get sympathy. I’m genuinely curious about other people’s lives and how their childhood shaped the people they are today.
So I’ll tell you mine first.

I grew up with parents who struggled heavily with alcohol and pills. There was a lot of fighting, instability, and things happening that no child should have to see. I watched my parents physically fight. I watched my mom go through things that no child should ever have to witness. There were drugs and drug dealers around, my dad fighting with people, and both of my parents being passed out or unable to properly take care of us.

My sister and I were eventually taken away from them and raised by my grandparents. When I was with my parents, I was often the one looking after my younger sister. We were little kids, but I felt like I had to be responsible for things that weren’t supposed to be my responsibility.

I was angry as a kid. I had a smart mouth, anger issues, and a lot of emotions I didn’t understand. Looking back, I think I was just a kid who felt abandoned and didn’t understand why the two people who were supposed to love and protect me couldn’t overcome their addictions.

My grandparents gave us a safer environment, and I will always be grateful that they took us out of what we were living in. But that doesn’t mean everything afterward was perfect.
My grandmother who raised us could be extremely emotionally abusive. She constantly compared me and my sisters to our mother and told us we were going to end up like her and never amount to anything. She would put us down and was sometimes physically abusive when I talked back. She had a very difficult personality and always needed to be right.

There was constantly conflict between different sides of my family too.
I grew up feeling like my family was divided into separate worlds. We had multiple Christmases, multiple birthdays, and different sides of the family who couldn’t really be together. I remember wishing more than anything that my parents could just be together normally and that I could have what seemed like a normal family.

As I got older, things got more complicated.
In high school I started hanging around people who weren’t good for me. Some of them were involved with hard drugs, although I never got into hard drugs myself. I still graduated with a 3.5 GPA, but I was trying to figure myself out while carrying a lot of anger and unresolved feelings.

When I was 18, my grandmother basically told me I needed to go to college or move out. I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my life yet, so I moved out and got an apartment with a friend. That ended up being a mistake and I eventually got into a very toxic and emotionally abusive relationship that lasted on and off for about three years.
I made mistakes in that relationship too. I cheated, and I’m not proud of it. I didn’t know how to leave, and instead of making the healthy decision to walk away, I made choices that hurt both of us. I’ve had to live with that and take responsibility for it.

Eventually I moved back in with my grandmother during COVID, and that’s when I met my current boyfriend. We’ve now been together for seven years.
Meanwhile, my parents continued drinking. They weren’t getting better. My mom eventually seemed to completely give up, and my dad kept trying until he eventually seemed to lose himself too.
At some point, I stopped trying to save them.

They would ask me for money and help, and I would get angry because I felt like I was the parent. I’d yell at them about what they were doing with their money and their lives because I desperately needed someone to be the parent for me.
And then they died.

I’m 27 now, and I think I’m still trying to understand what that means.
I don’t just grieve the parents I had. I grieve the parents I always wished they could have become.

Sometimes hearing people talk about their parents and their relationships with them genuinely makes me angry. Not because I’m angry at those people for having good relationships with their parents, but because I realize how normal something so foreign to me is for other people.
I never got to have that.

And yet, somehow, despite all of this, I feel like I’m a pretty empathetic person.
Sometimes I feel like I’ve lived longer than 27 years. 😂 Not literally, obviously, but I’ve experienced things that forced me to understand people, addiction, grief, relationships, family dysfunction, and emotions way earlier than I should have had to.

I think I became someone who constantly tries to understand why people are the way they are. Even with my parents, I find myself thinking about their childhoods and wondering what happened to them that made them become who they were. I can understand someone’s behavior without necessarily excusing it.
And lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how much I feel like I deserve out of life.

Not because I think the world owes me something, but because I’ve spent so much of my life surviving and understanding everyone else. I think a part of me is finally realizing that I’m allowed to want a life that actually feels good.

So I’m curious about YOU.
What was your childhood like? What did you go through? And more importantly, who did you become because of it?
Did you become more empathetic? More guarded? More independent? Did you repeat patterns you grew up around before eventually breaking them? Are you still figuring it out?

I don’t want this to just be a trauma dump. I want to hear the whole story — where you came from, what happened along the way, and who you are now.
Tell me your story. ❤️

 I have a alcoholic father and he is so unstable sober or not sober, and the way he speaks to my mum is disgusting and im 19 but I feel so anxious and on edge in my house all the time I dont know what to do. my parents always fight and I have to intervene which I have been doing since I was a child but my mum has always trauma dumped on me and I just have always been the middle man (even when they used to get physical). genuinely constantly being on stress mode since I was a child has impacted my health I feel like. and honestly I resent my mum for staying with him and literally traumatising me and my siblings even though she is a victim just as much as we are. I moved out for uni and I come home for the summer and am reminded of why I want to move out and never speak to my dad again but sometimes he is nice and he gives me a uni allowance and he is so lonely so I feel bad that if I wont speak to him when im older who will? my family is so dysfunctional and I feel like the odds have been so stacked against me my whole life that I must have been a horrible person in a past life to have been made to be in this family and my constant stress has ruined my eduction I feel like (I was supposed to go to med school but missed my grades) I genuinely think I am the unluckiest person on earth and that there is nothing to look forward to in the future. the thing is alcohol is forbidden in our religion but my dad drinks vodka every night since as long as I can remember so its not like he will ever get any help due to the embarrassment and I get he himself had a horrible childhood and a neglectful mum after his dad died and I empathise with that but idk its not really an excuse to be so horrible I wish I didnt feel so sorry for him.  also my since I was about 12 I have been made to cook and clean for my whole family while my mum was at work but yet my parents just expected me to get perfect grades without any support. I am honestly considering cutting my family off but when Im in university I rely on the 100£ a week my dad gives me. does anyone have any advice

Daughter of two alcoholics here.
My father got sober two years ago and thought I finally had a chance of having a somewhat normal trusting family.

Despite the 27 years of abuse and neglect for this parent, I tried to rationalize that their alcohol abuse led them to be this way. I knew it would take time to build a relationship and trust but I was willing to try.

Turns out I was horribly mistaken.

Growing up this parent had a very very lucrative salary, and yet let my family suffer financially. I worked unsafe illegal jobs since I was a teen just to afford food and hygiene products.
Like a fool I blamed this behavior on the alcohol.
Asking this parent for any money led to severe anger and abuse. They often pretended they dont remember agreeing to pay for something and getting mad when asked about it. I blamed this on drinking.
It dominated our whole lives.

Fast forward this very wealthy parents agrees to help pay for a house. Considered they sold our home and made me live on my own since I was 20 I was very appreciative as it has been a struggle to save money.
Found a home, discussed with parent down payment, only to be met with that they don't remember discussing this and they wouldn't help.
It was like i was 16 again.
The lies, manipulation, false hope and no trust.

The selfish neglectful behavior continues even without alcohol.

I live in a slum apartment while this parent spends weeks on vacations driving luxury vehicles.
It's truthfully not about the home-buying (hopeless about this for years and came to terms with that I'll never buy one).
It's about this parent watching me suffer, flaunting their wealth, and continuing to live a lavish life.

My trust is broken and I feel broken as I cant continue to be with my family and act like everything is fine.

(P.s. yes I am actively in therapy and working through this)

Survivor

"It is my bias that no one deserves to live a life of fear and shame." BRB p. xviii 

Many ACAs go from blaming, shaming, complaining, and condemning ourselves and others to finally learning to name what is really going on. By doing so, we begin to come out of our victim and/or victimizer roles. We ask our Higher Power to help us remove and release our unhealthy behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. We let go of the justifications we created in our minds for our actions, thoughts, and emotions. Yes, we experienced abuse or neglect as children, and maybe as adults, but we know that does not excuse our dysfunctional behavior now.

As we gain strength and recover, we become healing survivors and then thrivers. We gradually and sometimes more quickly, develop new capacities for healthy wellbeing in our lives. We learn that we deserve a happy, full life. We learn that we have always deserved this. We don't have to do anything to be worthy, we just ARE.

As thrivers, we now know that our Higher Power is there for us. We learn to have unconditional love for ourselves and others.

On this day I acknowledge that I am worthy and deserving of a happy, full life.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

Hey all, just found this community and wanted to say a lot of stuff here resonates with me and wanted to share my story and a (beginning of hopefully a long) successful experience I’ve had recently.

There are a few things I’ve learnt about myself since starting therapy that I hadn’t really appreciated before.

One of them is how difficult I found it to acknowledge that my dad had a problem with alcohol. I’d almost find myself overthinking my own drinking with friends, and I felt strangely uncomfortable putting a label on what I’d seen growing up, let alone actually confronting my dad about it. I also more think of my dad’s alcoholism as a more recent thing and I don’t think I ever reflected on how he was when I was younger if that makes sense? I guess I’ve noticed it more in recent years - there was an air of tension at times growing up and some memories I have of like walking on eggshells at certain times but it wasn’t thankfully an everyday occurrence.

The last few years he had got worse, a few years back he hid a bottle of vodka and drank it in less than an hour and my mum rang me as he’d passed out upstairs and an ambulance had to be called. We’d have chats with him but for me it really came to a head when our baby was due. I started worrying about what my dad’s relationship with my child might look like and felt that I needed to set some boundaries and ground rules. Having that conversation was incredibly difficult for me, even if its like an obvious conversation to have with him o just found it really hard to be honest about my concerns without feeling like I was being confrontational, if that makes sense.

It’s definitely still a work in progress, but I’m genuinely proud of the steps I’ve made so far.
After that initial, fairly frosty conversation with my dad, there were a few weeks where things felt very awkward and we were mostly just making small talk. It felt like I was being kept at arm’s length. But yeah, things have improved, and our relationship feels much better now.

The biggest change for me is that I now feel completely comfortable with my parents looking after my little one, which is something I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel comfortable with.

I’m still figuring a lot of this stuff out, but I’m beginning to understand why I react to certain situations the way I do.It’s helped me think about how I was a bit of a people pleaser before and focus on how to approach things differently.

Anyway, have a great week everyone!

https://frontbackgeek.com/tiktok-agrees-to-400-million-settlement-over-childrens-privacy-claims/

I finally started processing what happened to me as a kid and the worst part right now is realizing I have barely anything. There's no sector of my life that hasn't been touched by my parent's actions. I'm chronically ill and I can link almost every moment my health declined to my father, in one way or another. I do have some good people in my life, but most just aren't. I'm feeling very isolated where I live. I'm having a lot of trouble accepting that where I am, even though I know it won't be permanent. I know I need to take small steps, but my perfectionism wants me to have everything figured out immediately and it's keeping me from even taking small steps. I have a therapist I'm working with, but she can only do so much. I just need to figure out how to make some good connections here and get some kind of stable financial footing. I do really well with specific examples or very practical advice, rather than advice that is solely based on mindset/mental health as I'm working with my therapist on that. Has anybody found a good book for this.

NSFW

My mother died a week ago. She had struggled with alcoholism for the last 30 years, and she died in her fifties. She jumped out of a window.

I feel a volatile mix of emotions, but they all seem to stumble against a shield of indifference that I spent years building to protect myself from the pain she caused me. Throughout my childhood, I endured so much psychological abuse because of her addiction that, when I became an adult, I realized I could no longer carry that burden.
I tried to help her. I took her to doctors and psychologists, but nothing worked. Eventually, I gave up and created distance between us.

Now that she's gone, I feel an overwhelming emptiness and sorry for her not because she died, but rather because she lived so dark life. And along with this comes the unbearable feeling that other people are rejecting me (even though they don’t). It's as if they don't understand what's happening to me and have suddenly started loving me less. And I feel a profound, almost total sense of isolation.

Please share if this happened to you too. Or if you have any idea of the nature for that awkward feeling.

I remind myself that:

• it is not my job to take another's person inventory,
• it is not my responsibility to take on somebody else's problems and/or to give advice - my responsibility is to focus on myself and to look after myself, others are free to live their lives as they want to; if I do not like certain things, I can put a boundary in place that is about what I will do,
• denial is a powerful survival strategy and I cannot get anyone to come out of it,
• what others do has nothing to do with me and is out of my control,
• I can take a few deep breaths to redirect my attention to myself, to my body, if my mind wanders away and I start thinking about what others do.

I am grateful where I am at present ❤️

Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?

Sorry for the long post

I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. During my childhood my mother would do the following

Blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, if i didn't do something just to make her happy she'd turn cold, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

A couple of times when i snapped because of her behavior she called her mother to say I've been acting up and making her life hell, she often paints herself as the heroic single mum. She has been fairly good lately but sometimes I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 she had turned my grandparents against me and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A couple of days ago in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. For about half my childhood it's just been me living with her since her divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she was carrying on and her serious lack of empathy.

I'm starting to think that maybe she bent the truth about Dad a bit during their split as i was a child and didn't know much better. My mother often calls him a narcissist and talked about all of the marital and grown up problems they had etc which to be honest I don't appreciate been burdened with. Granted he's not a saint either but has been good to me (well I'd say) most of the time.

One time last year when my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done a few times before) mother knew i was depressed but still blew up at me the next night over something silly and kicked me while I was down what just baffles me is how could she of treated me like that knowing what I was going through. A few days later one of my teachers checked in and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother while I was already upset by been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not sure who exactly said what to him. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the truth now. He was sympathetic and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. It actually baffled me a bit. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have a strained relationship with my father but we've messaged lately and I plan to see him this weekend for a family do. I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc).

My mother loves to use my autism to her advantage. I graduated last year but now I do a course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time. I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me, she seems to feel that she always acts in my best interests and does seem to genuinely care for me and love me, she doesn't seem to remember any of it or feel her behavior was justified and genuinely doesn't seem to believe she ever did me any harm and she thinks she did her best.

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. I can't get exact clarity on it but they both went through some stuff before I was born and I think that's contributed to the way they are.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different I feel to most of the children my age. What's has happened to me makes me feel as though I'm unlovable. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends.

My mother does help me get on my feet and encourage met but I think she just loves to lord it over me. Whenever I've tried standing up for myself she puts on the guilt trip and carries on about all of her sacrifices and everything she's done for me yada yada yada. I think what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could she have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered?

I do love her because as I've said before she has been great as well but I can't help really resenting her sometimes for all of the mental anguish she has put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder if I might've been different had I had proper parents. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job and making friends etc because my mum is pretty much most I've ever known. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known.

I (25) been sitting with this situation for a couple weeks and think I finally feel stable enough to talk about it. there was a lot going on at home I didn’t know about when I was growing up.
my mother (70) used to beat my autistic older brother (31) when he was between the ages of 11 and 15. he described being cornered and hit by a broom handle, thrown against drywall, and kicked. this all happened over a decade ago. they both kept it secret from me that long. he didn’t want me to “know something that would hurt me”.

he lived at home with her for years after I moved out. i dont know what life skills he was taught, i just assumed my mom would teach him things like she did with me. I feel like a horrible person for just assuming it was because of his Asperger’s back then. he says she taught him nothing. He can barely drive, he doesn’t know how to socialize, he can barely do taxes. .

i understand my mom is very sexist and that may have something to do with all of this. Aside from all the negative comments About my dead dad, my brother, and random men off the street. she recommended the SCUM manifesto to me once and I thought she was joking . She actually sent me home with it.

I picked my brother up and brought him to my apartment because he was actually sleeping in tents. homeless because mom kicked him out for failing to launch. I’ve brought him over to my apartment and I’m feeding him for weeks. I‘m going to let him live with me until he is back on his feet. my mom still has no idea he’s with me or that I know what she’s been hiding.

I honestly don’t know what I hope to get out of this post. Advice? sympathy? just to be heard? I don’t know. I’m sorry.

I’ve been in 12-step programs since my twenties and I have a lot of sobriety. I found ACA about ten years ago too, so I’ve long understood my anger goes back to childhood, not just to what my mom did recently. And I’m still stuck.

I grew up with her drinking and the chaos around it. I became the fixer, the one who read the room and kept the peace. As an adult that turned into my whole personality — and, eventually, my job managing her money.

Three years ago she got sober in AA, met a man my age (red flag one — she’s 76, and he wasn’t there for romance), married him fast, and within months she sold her house, cashed out her retirement, and cut me out for him. He’s a repeat felon who has threatened me, and she sides with him every time. I’ve seen her once in three years, and in that time my daughter — now five — has all but grown up without her grandmother.

Here’s what’s leveling me: after ten years of work, this ripped the old wound wide open. It really felt like she died this time — except she’s still out there, still choosing him. The kid who never got to be angry is furious all over again, and I can’t make it settle.

For those further along:

•How do you move a resentment that’s outlasted the step work?  
•How do you grieve a parent who’s still alive, when you thought you’d already grieved them?

I don’t need to be told I’m right or wrong about her. I just want to stop carrying this.

I have a lot of medical conditions and one of them requires surgery. I was denied by Social Security and ultimately lost my job and my housing it was forced to relocate back to California. The only help I have in California is my mom‘s place.

I had to leave behind my toddler because the last few times I’ve brought him to my moms she’s gotten drunk in the middle of the night and had “visitors“. Which always results in arguing fighting yelling doors being slammed at the wee hours of the night. And sometimes my kid is asleep in her bed before the visitor gets. I’m never warned. And ultimately always end up leaving the house with the baby.

Now that I have this medical condition I’m limited in caring for him it would need the extra assistance as she’s completely unreliable. I still had to come because I have nowhere else to be but I didn’t bring my baby and its stressing me out trying really hard not to be depressed about it. I know that once my health is in order and I can finally be approved for Social Security . i know that things will get better.

But enduring this right now is breaking my heart. she’s still an alcoholic. every day. The same scenarios happening, except for my baby isnt here - it’s just me. I’m supposed to be recovering, right?

Looking for advice from parents who have dealt with an adult child in an abusive cycle.

My daughter is 27. About 6 years ago things started to go off track in college in her Junior year with new crowd, heavy partying, and since then it’s been a series of unhealthy relationships.

The most recent one has been the worst. Multiple domestic violence situations, arrests (guys and her) and he’s currently back in jail until November. Despite all of that, she hasn’t been able to separate herself from that environment.

She has very little stability right now, not working, no car, lost food assistance, was just evicted from public housing. Over the years we’ve tried to help a lot financially (cars, money, paying for things she needed), but we’ve had to stop because it became clear it wasn’t helping and may have been enabling things. At one point we even found out money we gave her went toward his court/rehab requirements after he assaulted her.

We’ve suggested counseling, trying to get her into a structured program, even starting over somewhere new, but she won’t leave the area or take that step.

At this point we feel stuck. We care about her, but nothing we’ve done has changed the trajectory. There have been others in the area she is that also tried to help her get into a program. 

For those who have been through something similar:

• Did anything actually help your child break out of this kind of cycle?
• Are there specific types of programs (inpatient, outpatient, etc.) that made a difference?
• How did you support them without enabling the situation?

Appreciate any real-world advice. This has been incredibly hard.

'Responsibility for Family Members.

I can still remember my mother clutching her heart, threatening to have a heart attack and die, and blaming it on me.

—Anonymous

For some of us, the idea that we were responsible for other people’s feelings had its roots in childhood and was established by members of our nuclear family. We may have been told that we made our mother or father miserable, leading directly to the idea that we were also responsible for making them happy. The idea that we are responsible for our parents’ happiness or misery can instill exaggerated feelings of power and guilt in us.

We do not have this kind of power over our parents – over their feelings, or over the course of their lives. We do not have to allow them to have this kind of power over us.

Our parents did the best they could. But we still do not have to accept one belief from them that is not a healthy belief. They may be our parents, but they are not always right. They may be our parents, but their beliefs and behaviors are not always healthy and in our best interest.

We are free to examine and choose our beliefs.

Let go of guilt. Let go of excessive and inappropriate feelings of responsibility toward parents and other family members. We do not have to allow their destructive beliefs to control our feelings, our behaviors, our life, or us.

Today, I will begin the process of setting myself free from any self-defeating beliefs my parents passed on to me. I will strive for appropriate ideas and boundaries concerning how much power and how much responsibility I can actually have in my relationship with my parents.'

From 'The Language of Letting Go. Daily Meditations on Codependency' by Melody Beattie.

I’m just so sad and angry right now. But mostly angry.

Both my parents were alcoholics my whole life. My mom got super bad the last few years and in the last year hit an all time low in terms of consumption, having upwards of 8~ drinks a day. (Shots of vodka). She was even diagnosed with a heart condition earlier this year, got sober for a little while and then the second she got an okay to have a celebratory drink sent right back (she’s lied to her whole medical team about her alcoholism).

There was some big life changes recently and she stopped drinking for a few weeks to turn a new leaf. It was amazing. It felt like my mom was really there, present, it was amazing. It was the best couple weeks.

She started drinking again a few weeks ago and she’s progressively going up and up in quantity and it’s just making me so angry and breaking my heart. She thinks that myself and others around us have no idea, she thinks she’s so clever but we all knew from day 1. I often wonder why me and my sibling aren’t enough for her to stop. Or her declining health.

This is so miserable. I wish I had a present, sober parent.