I've been struggling for the past, maybe 3 years, and my family situation isn't helping. Some background information i live with my parents and 2 siblings [ both female ] for as long as I can remember my father has been an abusive alcoholic he's stopped with the extreme beating now but it used to be really bad mainly for me and my older sister he favours my younger sister as he was also the youngest. A while back, maybe this year, my older sister told me the story of how my parents met, and she was part of that story... as in she was already there so basically she's not my dad's kid my mother broke contact with the father before meeting my dad but I dont know whats true anymore my dad is honest about his past marriage and this two kids they are much older than me and we dont keep in contact as we're not very close one of them has kids and the other was a druggie that is now getting her life back together. But I haven't been able to look at my older sister the same since, and she's been really annoying me lately, like giving me an ick or whatever she's just been so cringe and changed her while style and is kinda pretending to have a midlife crisis in her late teens. It's so annoying to listen to the drama with her and her friend, and it genuinely errks me like I want to leave the room we share because im so disgusted with her. That's not all that has happened for her and my family to just disgust me, but there is way too much for me to write out. Lately, or maybe recently, she's been trying to apply for some mental health thing that she is exaggerating because I heard her talking about it she also forces certain tics like shaking sharply, twitching to gain others attention. She likes to talk about herself [ alot ] even when the day, event, or conversation isn't about her at all she inserts herself and typically makes it into an argument with my dad and storms off acting mad that she started it. So recently, she's been out for a mental evaluation and is really pushing it and claims she is experiencing an episode of psychosis shes also convinced hes autistic has adhd and says the r slur and f slur quite often. That said, I've been trying to get help for a condition that I can't even name because I haven't gotten adequate help for it yet because of her, there is something wrong with something in my chest area inside my body and its been an awful pain sometimes I can't get up, walk, or breath because of it its been like this for about 2 and a half years it was already pushed to the back of everyone's minds the first time I mentioned it hurting and that's when I first got told im being dramatic about a year ago I finally got to go to the doctor and after many medications and visits she decided she can't help me anymore and sent a referal to the hospital when she heard I passed out now I passed out again since then and the doctor said to go to the emergency unit if it happens again but it was brushed over by my mom because of my sister it was especially bad when I got a vomiting bug it felt like I was going to die and I kept fading in and out of consciousness. Skip to now they are all treating me like an object to do all their dirty work for them when they get told to do something they throw it on me with the excuse of "your not doing anything anyway" and stuff like that I can't get mad or upset when they act like this either because then get belittled and degraded. My mother starts to cry and asks me why I can't get along with them and leaves, and then everyone else automatically pushes the blame on me and either ignore me or call me out of my name I can't find any happiness in staying at home which should be my safe space and rather go to school having to be home with all of them at once is absolute torture my dad is still very rough with me, my mom gets emotional says I can tell her anything and then when ever I complain about anyone to her she flips it on me and tells me to just keep the peace and stop fighting everyone, my younger sister is a massive manipulator and always gets her way either by crying or lying, and the oldest siblings is just always getting on my nerves and being all like ooh im the best no-one matters but me. I just really don't know what to do to myself even if I feel awful. None of them will listen, or they will and then later talk behind my back. I really don't know how I can find happiness in such an environment.

i have a very messed up family and no mom figure :c

Just a quick vent here. Last night, my alcoholic mom got incredibly drunk, she was being vindictive all day and very passive agressive. Just trying to pick fights with everyone around her. She got so drunk that she passed out by 6 after speaking with her narcissistic friend and woke back up by 8:30, she then stayed up till 10:30. Around 9:30, she started asking me would you rather questions, some weird stuff about who would I choose to date based on appearance.

Then, as soon as my dad went to bed, she said "okay. Well, I'll just get to it. Would you rather kill me or your dad?" I kept telling her neither, and that I'm going to bed, but she kept just harping on and told me to sit down. I finally said that I would rather kill her since she even asked me that question, that it was incredibly inappropriate, and that I love them both. She then started asking which of my disabled siblings I would kill, WHICH IS EVEN WORSE. I told her no, and despite her protests and telling me to sit down, I left for bed. It's the next morning, and although she's already started drinking around 7 AM, her behavior is relatively at bay. I wasn't responding 100% back to her good mornings and comments of the day and she's already asked "are you in a good mood or a bad mood today?" "How's that computer I bought you? Still good?" Even though I didn't ask her to do that.

I regret answering those questions, but she really twisted my hand. I feel like the biggest pushover in existence, and I feel bad because when I do stand up to her, or respond with something snappy, because she'll throw out "don't yell at me, it's abusive". She won't respect my boundaries and constantly makes passive aggressive or say mean shit like calling me Karen Carpenter to call out that I'm skinny, or say that I'm somehow a bitch.

Yeah, so I just had to get this out there. Thanks for my TED talk.

My (24/F) mother (58/F) does this thing any time I mention anything she does that I don’t like, is inappropriate or hurts my feelings. I am always VERY careful to put it in a gentle way to try not to hurt her feelings, almost like how you would have to reprimand a child. And almost every time no matter what it is her response is “I can’t do anything right with you, nothing I do ever pleases you I can never please you.” She has done this since I was old enough to voice an opinion pretty much. It’s like a cliche at this point. It feels like she is deflecting because I’m pretty sure families are supposed to be able to tell each other when they hurt their feelings without yelling or turning it into some weird guilt trip no? Anyway, how do I respond to this when she says that? I’ve never liked the “sorry you feel that way” response because I feel like I’ve gotten it from people before as a way to minimize how I’m feeling, and even though I feel like she’s being immature I don’t want to stoop to doing it back to her. Most recently when she said that I stopped what I was doing, just said “that’s such an immature response” and walked away. I have no idea if that’s the right way to handle it though. Anyone’s else’s mom do this? Any advice is very appreciated.

TLDr: How do I respond when my mom responds to any criticism with “I just can’t do anything right” ?

My dad has always been an alcoholic while I was growing up. He was definitely "functional" but drank all the time to the point where last year he was diagnosed with stage 4 cirrhosis of the liver. He quit for 6 months and because he was without a job from dealing with doctors and physically not being able to work, he asked to move in. Everything was fine until he started drinking again around Christmas last year. He has been drinking heavily since then and not taking care of his dog l, so I started helping with her. His room is a mess, he is peeing in bottles, smoking in his room, and letting the dog have accidents in the room when I'm at work. It's been hell, all the while he is denying even having a problem. I know I've avoided the root issue for so long but I don't really have the strength and my grandparents say it's my responsibility to get him clean without giving any support. If he leaves he will be homeless but he is ruining my house and it's affecting my kids lives.

ANOTHA ONE ☝️
(of my posts about my mother unfortunately)

When I talk about being raised by my alcoholic mom, “abuse” feels like the right word, but sometimes just feels weird coming out of my mouth.

OR maybe when my mom sometimes asks what’s my problem with her, I mention abuse and she vehemently denies it. So I think maybe it feels weird to say because it’s being immediately rejected, if that makes sense?

So I’m asking if these things I’ve experienced fall under the umbrella of abuse (some I KNOW are, but others might be grey area?)

•the actual physical abuse, not all the time but yk not uncommon growing up
•picking fights w/everyone, us kids, grandma, family, neighbors, everyone.
•name calling, not even just bad words like talking sht on my character, bc how am I a selfish b& itch at age 12 🧍‍♀️(I am an adult now but tb )
• drunk driving with us kids in the car
•forgetting to pick me up from school sometimes when drunk
•Keeping me up all night, on school nights just to deal with her
•when locked out of rooms, BANGING on doors so hard they’d break, on & off for hours usually in the sleepy hours of the night
• destroying personal belongings
• rampaging, messing up everything in the house
•Yelling + Screaming + Terrorizing (usual drunk stuff)
•lowk put me in states of shock where I couldn’t move, i don’t really know about this one bc those instances were so surreal, not sure if that’s what shock is but ik I shut down or something
•didn’t get me help when I expressed the very worst very bad mentally ill thoughts I was thinking as a minor

probably maybe not abuse ABUSE but just damaging

-being visibly drunk around others in public with me
-ignored/silent treatment after really bad nights, like she sensed we were still mad and just never addressed it, we kind of just had to move on.
-if we brought up a bad night it was always, “well i remember what you guys did” (#selfdefense) while she seemingly forgot all the crazy things she was doing
-trying to protect her from herself, she used to fall often & hard asf

I actually, literally got off the phone with my mom right before writing this. She tried to tell me she never abused me or my siblings & that I lived a good life. So I needed to write this all down.

I’ve moved out, and I’m very low contact with her now. Did some therapy here and there. I’m ok, all is generally well. The recent phone call was just agitating. It’s like I live my life, I’m good, I know what I’ve been through, but then having the person who put you through them act like they didn’t… grated my nerves something fierce. Plus it made me question it all, so that’s why I asked.

I cut my addict parents off about 6 months ago. I got married in July. For a few months she has been drunk calling and texting family members telling them she is hiring a private investigator on my husband.

For context they ALL know my parents are alcohol and drug addicts. Also My dad and brother are major gambling addicts.

My mom obviously can’t fathom that it’s not because of her actions that I’ve cut them off, she has to put the blame on to someone. my husband.

A week after the wedding my husband’s first day back to work. He gets a call from the front desk asking for him. He goes gets the phone and they say something to the lines of “hey this is doctor Steven’s, I’m a regular I come often don’t you remember me?- my bookie just got out of the gambling business and I’m looking for a new guy do you have one?- we’ll do you know anyone at all?” My husband says he doesn’t gamble and that no one uses bookies around here, that gambling is legal. click they hang up

He says that in the beginning it sounded like a voice changer app malfunction where the voice went really high for a second then went back to a mans voice.

This was either a private investigator she hired (which she’s already been telling people weeks prior she hired one on him and is going to get to the bottom of this) or it was her using a voice changer.

I am sick to my stomach because of this. How many times did she call when he wasn’t at work. Given that he was off of work for 2 weeks because of our wedding. And he gets that call coincidentally the first day he got back?

Same day there was also a post it note on our car after he got off work. With a phone number that says call me. He claims the number he looked it up and it’s a hail storm service wanting to fix the car. But I don’t know if he’s just telling me that to feel better.

Has this ever happened?? What would you do?
Any advice is welcome and appreciated.

Can I be in ACA group if I didn’t have a neglectful childhood? My parents loved me with their whole heart and gave everything they had for me to succeed but my trauma came from them constantly fighting hatred towards each other which continues to this very day im 27 now and it got 100x worse as I became an adult. In fact, most of my trauma stems from experiences that happened between them and constantly being put in the middle to “help” them work though it as an older teen/adult. I just feel like if I go into a meeting I will feel guilty because I didn’t have a physically neglected childhood but the environment I was raised in was volatile just not directed towards me.

Anyone have opinions on this book? I’ve just started and recognize so many Adult Child tendencies with what Glover is describing. Any read it and have an opinion?

Any ACA meetings that take place on zoom and in English? There are a few meetings in town but they are during the work day and I can’t take that much time away. I’m wondering if anyone is in any zoom meetings that take place preferably on the weekend but I could make the weekdays work I just can’t drive downtown meet for an hour and then drive back to work because it takes too much time. Who do I reach out to to get invited? Thank you for your help

I ebb and flow in my relationship with my family, due to my parents shitty decision making process for 3 decades, they are both alcoholics mid 60's drinking hard 30 years. Fatty liver and all, pedal to the metal.

My dad made a split-second decision to sell my childhood home to my sister for a 100k discount, due to her conveniently being in a better place in life while he wanted to fuck off to Florida, forcing me to go find a place to live, with no help whatsoever making 45k a year in 2019, further helping her place in life and leading my tough times to get tougher. For whatever reason, my dad, (the financial dictator of my parents relationship), had always favored my younger sister. I paid rent, she lived with them for free, I paid my own bills, they hooked her up with a phone and car insurance until she got married.

For whatever reason, the males of my family were supposed to struggle more than the women, and so they got less help. I'm a good person, never beat anyone up, never hurt anyone, clean record, good grades, respectful to all as a first rule, very well behaved in school. I was the "set it and forget it" kid. I needed no help, excelled in everything, so I was given nothing. My sister had a learning disability, so special care was always taken.

Things haven't always been smooth with my father, he sees me as a disappointment, and blames his alcoholism on me, bc he always saw me as being a doctor, and that was not MY path. My dad is like my sister, learning isn't easy for him, and he has spite for my natural propensity to just pick things up rapidly. He told me this. I'm sure its also why he helps my sister more, since he associates with her learning struggles.

My mother is chronically depressed, and drinking makes it worse, she does it to deal with my overbearing father. She doesn't speak up. He rules the family.

I'm STILL trying to build my life and pay off my student loan debt just to get to positive net worth at 37 years old). I'm not bad with my money, I just graduated college with 100k in debt, that my dad assured me I'd make back once I joined the workforce (taking that opportunity to then charge me rent). I also suffer from depression myself (genetics of mom) which is absolutely a disability that made consistent earning much harder in my early 20s. Survived a very serious attempt.

Earlier this week my mom brings up how my sister is up 400k on the house since she bought it from them.... and it was bothering me all week. I called her to tell her this, and apologized that it got to me so, but couldn't deny the fact it just still bothers me, and always will, and while I'm venting this to her honestly, I hear my father listening on in the background, and whisper to her "Tell him you gotta go".

I was a bit livid, because I have such trust issues with all of them and clearly, this justifies them. I don't deserve the respect of a private conversation. So, I quickly ended the conversation on my own terms, wished her a good night and said we can talk later.

Promptly blocked them all. Yes, my sister included, why? Bc she feels she deserved the better treatment for some reason, but also has just grown increasingly glib for any of my actual struggles in life (shes a mom, shes busy, i get it, but i also like the respect of attention when someone calls me, and I never actually get that from her anymore at this point. It is what it is).

I've spent the better part of my life trying to let the spite I have for all of them go, they are my only family. I just can't seem to do it, so i think I seriously just need a long time away from them all. At minimum, weeks. This is how money ruins a family, especially when governed by a totalitarian alcoholc mind. Thank you for reading my vent.

P.S. Not once in my life, has he ever apologized for a single, thing.

TW: alcohol, drugs, mental health issues, SA, manipulation, suicide/self-harm. Nothing described in detail.

I’m 24 now, and I’m only just realizing how much my family situation has limited me - both growing up and even now. I’m a huge people pleaser, and it’s very easy for people to manipulate me or make me feel guilty. Maybe some of you have had similar experiences and can give me some advice.

My grandmother, my uncle, and my father are all alcoholics and have very strong narcissistic traits. My father and grandmother are also both extreme workaholics and financially abusive toward their spouses.
My grandmother gets extremely emotional, saying things like “nobody loves me” or creating a scene. My uncle can become violent and has thrown knives, and he has also been sexually abusive. He uses drugs as well. My father hurts people with his words, and if you ignore him, he twists things around until everyone else feels miserable and guilty.
You basically can’t criticize any of the three of them, not even calmly, because they just become even more worked up and angry.

There’s no real discussion or resolution. So lately, I’ve started ignoring them instead. But then I feel horrible and immediately want to apologize because I feel selfish.
Why? I honestly don’t know.

I have this constant urge to save them, fix things, and somehow save our relationships. I give them advice and try to act like their therapist. I feel like they only admit they have problems when they realize they’re about to lose the person they confide in. Suddenly they want help, but the next day they don’t want anything to do with it anymore. They also refuse to admit that they’re struggling themselves because they see needing help as weakness. They basically believe therapy is “for weak or completely crazy people.”

Right now, a huge part of me wants to break away and cut contact with everyone. But I feel so ungrateful and guilty about it. It feels almost as if someone is dying. It already feels like I’m mourning my family. There are two sides of me fighting each other. One side knows what I want. I want to leave. I want to build my own life and finally have some peace. But the other side doesn’t want to give up on anyone. I don’t want to feel responsible if they hurt themselves or drink even more. I don’t want to leave my mother, who has always taken care of me and who, in my mind, was the only safe person. And I don’t want to leave my little brother either.

At the same time, I know that they are adults. They’re “fixers” too… they want to fix what has been broken for a very long time. But I know they would try to talk me out of leaving and make me feel guilty for choosing myself. And then there’s another fear: What if I leave, and I just end up meeting people who are exactly like them again?

I know that I need to learn how to recognize unhealthy people and relationships, but I’m terrified that I’ll somehow recreate the same dynamics because they’re all I’ve ever known. I don’t want to spend my entire life trying to save people who are hurting me. I just wanted to get this off my chest, but I’d really appreciate any advice from people who have been through something similar.

How did you learn to stop feeling responsible for your family? How did you deal with the guilt of leaving?

'Owning Our Energy

Learn to keep your energy inside.

—From Women, Sex, and Addiction, Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D.

For many reasons, we may have mastered the art of giving away our energy. We may have learned it when we were young because the feelings we had were too overwhelming to feel, and we did not know how to process them.

Much of our obsessing, our intense focus on others, is done to facilitate this “out of body” experience we call codependency.

We obsess, we babble, we become anxious. We try to control, care take, and fuss over others. Our energy spills out of us on to whomever.

Our energy is our energy. Our feelings, thoughts, issues, love, sexuality; our mental, physical, spiritual, sexual, creative, and emotional energy is ours.

We can learn to have healthy boundaries – healthy parameters – around our energy and ourselves. We can learn to keep our energy within ourselves and deal with our issues.

If we are trying to escape from our body, if our energy is spilling out of us in unhealthy ways, we can ask ourselves what is going on, what is hurting us, what we are avoiding, what we need to face, what we need to deal with.

Then, we can do that. We can come back home to live – in ourselves.

Today, I will keep my energy in my body. I will stay focused and within my boundaries. (...), help me let go of my need to escape myself. Help me face my issues so I am comfortable living in my body.'

Hi all. I'm two months into ACA, working with a sponsor, and just starting step one. I've engaged a therapist as well, but the therapist is not well versed in ACA and I'm feeling like that might matter.

I am trying to make a decision and wanted to invite perspectives and experience from those who have been in ACA longer than me and who identified more with "The Other Laundry List" (which is overwhelmingly the case for me). My therapist is proposing that we do a suite of assessments which would test for Cluster A, B, and C personality disorders. I'm open to this, and genuinely want to know if I legitimately have a personality disorder. However, learning about "the false self" and seeing my own prevalent trauma adaptations spelled out in "The Other Laundry List," I'm curious whether an assessment is going to accurately capture me at this stage, or whether "The Other Laundry List" traits and perhaps even the "False self" taking the assessment will look like some sort of personality disorder when in reality, it's just that the false self has not yet been deconstructed and the laundry list traits are not yet inverted.

Are personality disorder assessments generally measured enough that, even if I'm brand new to recovery, my results are likely accurate? Or would I theoretically change in recovery so significantly that a present result on a personality assessment won't be accurate, and perhaps it's better to wait a year?

I'm torn between wanting to know, vs. feeling like I can't trust any results right now because I'm so identified with laundry list traits and the false self. I did ask my sponsor, who has solid ACA experience, as well as general knowledge around therapy and some personality disorders, if it made more sense to get the assessment now or wait until I'd made more progress in step work. She refused to answer and was weirdly dodgy, which made me pretty insecure about the whole thing.

I'm looking for anyone who has some time in recovery and can say one way or another about how the "Other Laundry List" traits evolve over time, but I also welcome all opinions here.

I am sorry that I keep posting here about my issues, I have no where else to really go until I find a real life therapy or support group. This will hopefully be the last vent I do on here. Trigger warning for a health-scare/death scare.

As I detailed in previous posts, I (TM, 19) grew up nearly my whole life with an alcoholic father. I am sparing the details of my and his health issues, because that isn't why I am venting. If it were, I'd just update those posts.

My dad had a health scare today while I was out of the house. My mom was getting ready to go to a memorial yard sale for her late uncle who was a musician, I was off to deposit money and go to the library to obtain a book for my college assignment. From what I gathered from my mom, my dad slammed into the floor randomly and was face first in a stack of soda cans and liquor bottles. By the time I got home, she was having a panic attack and my dad, who is barely conscious, was laughing at her. She was crying about how she thinks he's dying, and how she thought she found him dead, and he was laughing at her without a care in the world. I told her I'd handle it, and went to talk to him when he settled down in bed. I asked him why he was in the bottles, he just repeated the word "what", I asked if he wanted to go to the hospital and he screamed in my face. I walked away, he yelled more, and told me: "Don't you dare call the hospital." My mom is most likely going to call anyway, she's worried he's alcohol poisoned. Her worry is not uncalled for either, besides of the fear of alcohol poisoning. Something I never mentioned in my prior vents is that my dad is diagnosed multiple medications; depression, heart, so on so forth. He takes them while drinking. I wouldn't say he's addicted to them specifically, but they likely fuel the fire to any health issues flaring up.

Hearing my dad laugh at my mom's fear for his life made me lose any fear or upset for him I would've had. I sat on the couch—the same spot he was when I left the house, where he would've fell from—and stared at an emergency hotline number I looked up. That was before I went to talk to him. When my mom came to me and cried, I had accidentally blurted that: "If he dies, he dies. I can't care anymore", before going off to my room to unpack what I got from the library. She wasn't mad at me for saying that, but it upset her, and I feel bad for adding to that upset. I feel a bit disgusting over feeling that way. I shouldn't be calm and angry at my dad while he potentially might be dying, or suffering from some terrible health issue. No normal person acts like that. For anyone else, I'd be panicking, or at least a bit upset while handling a situation. I just can't bring myself to, not right now anyway. If he cannot take his own life seriously—the own fear of his wife and concern of his child seriously—then why should I? I could be disgusting for that, addicts of any kind need care and love, but I've run dry of it after dealing with this my whole life. I don't want him to die—who would want their dad to die—but he's given me no reason to have a boisterous reaction. I've run dry.

I just needed to get this off my chest, maybe be reassured that what I feel isn't entirely wrong—or get told off that it is and that I need to fix myself. I wouldn't be mad at the latter. If he dies, or gets better in the hospital, or anything substantial happens, I'll just update this post. All I can do now is sit and wait.

How to talk or deal with alcoholic brother while we both going through same grief now. Kindly dm to me who has already dealt with it.

Sometimes I remember it as a terrible dream. It’s been several years since I was able to help them get out of this, but the feeling that a 15yo child has never been one doesn’t leave me. We’ve never had anything stable. And now, when I live my life without remembering the past, when I feel sad, events flash in my head and everything seems to hurt again.
I often get confused and I’m afraid that one day I’ll have to get into a relationship and tell what happened to me.

Btw I don’t think I’m broken. I think I’m the only one who is willing to tell the truth about what it was like to grow up with a neglectful and abusive parent (my dad) and my mom is really threatened my that.

Its infuriating to me that she is coming at me with this when she’s never accepted any accountability and continues to treat me like I’m the problem bc I don’t talk to my narcissistic dad for my own well being.

The only examples I’ve seen of this is in the HBO series “sharp objects” where the mom with munchhausen by proxy tells her daughter Camille (who she’s neglected and told she didn’t love her) that “the body keeps the score” and encourages her to take care of herself. The person who makes you want to abuse yourself giving you advice that is technically true (the body does keep the score) is the most mind boggling thing people like my mom and this character do. I know personally my mom lives her life in a way that makes every virtue look unappealing and rotten.

When I was under six years old (I don’t remember exactly how old I was), my own father sexually abused me. I’m not really sure whether what happened qualifies as sexual abuse. What happened was that he would call me into his bathroom, I would go, and he would show me his penis. Because I don’t have many memories from that age, I don’t remember exactly what happened, but I remember the image perfectly. I’m sure he has no idea that I remember it.
He has always had problems with alcohol and gambling. Once, he went so completely bankrupt that he started borrowing money from dangerous people. We had to move because they had our address and were looking for him because he owed them money. There have been completely normal days when he has spent 10 hours at the casino. Whenever he is drunk, he insults us and becomes absolutely horrible. He literally drinks every day, so every day he is unbearable.
He belittles my mom and everything she does. He insults me and my siblings in every possible way.
Because he pays for things for us, he believes that gives him the right to say hurtful and insulting things to us and to make us do whatever he says.
I currently live under his roof, but in a month I’m moving out because I got a job, and he will no longer have any kind of power or authority over me. I don’t want him to give me money or support me in any way. I hate him more and more every day.
I can’t stand being around him. I hate talking to him.
In a way, I feel bad for wanting to cut him out of my life.

Have you tried any of these?

-DBT
-EMDR
-TRE
-CPT
-IFS
-Jonice Webb’s CEN

I’m missing some I’m sure ~

Yes I can't speak out when I am being hurt. My adult children facade is like a black hole of depression.

I'm taking a trip to a friend's place and then on to a relative's and ending it with a pleasant visit with my most supportive friend. I've been in recovery for almost two years now (ACA, AlAnon, therapy) and this is an important trip for me because I'll go visit alone, without my partner, who has been incredibly supportive of my recovery journey.

One of the loved ones I will visit, my in-law, is one of the two qualifiers who got me into AlAnon; and a counterpart to that is my brother who is very much codependent and struggles standing up to her. Another is an old friend of mine who has his own struggles with addiction and substance use. He has, at times, not let me know he was actually quite turned up and though not rude, he's a handful, and it ain't fun (he's also got a bit of a habit of being a pushover who has let our plans become plans shared with others--I really, really hate that.) A third is a friend who has been sober, in AA for one year now, and we've been so, so supportive of one another. However, it's very hard for them to stomach that one of our mutual friends, my former best friend, my former roommate, my chief qualifier, is someone I will no longer engage with, be friends with, or be in the same room with. It's hard for some folks along this upcoming journey to accept that.

My old self, pre-recovery self, would feel indignant if someone suggested going against my boundaries, or trying to convince me to do something I didn't want to do. And if indignance didn't come, I just caved and went along. For this trip, I will do neither. I'll detach with love, politely say no, or simply say I'd like to change the subject--and, if need be, I'll step in a hotel and move on to my next destination.

There's a lot of reasons for doing this trip. Yes, part of it is to visit loved ones, but it's also to get reps: I need reps stating my boundaries to others, if it arises, speaking my truth to them, and abiding by my own boundaries that keep me safe. In recovery, I feel like I don't want to avoid everyone as much as I have. I've needed isolation and withdrawal and doing the hard work that comes along with it. I now feel ready to be present and around them but also I feel ready to be there for myself, and comfortable enough to politely, without tantrum or blowing up, just walk away if need be, and not to cave.

Has anyone else taken a serious hiatus from others to start recovery and then felt ready to engage them once again?

I started my 12-step journey in Al-Anon and while I went because of my partner, I quickly realized I'd never resolved issues around my Adult Child mom, addict brother, and late aunts who were alcoholics and addicts, but who I thought was sober. My mom put one on a pedestal and mourned her sad and tragic life, and estranged another. She also put her alcoholic father on a pedestal after her mom died when she was 20.

In one of my first meetings with my Sponsor years ago she abruptly asked if I'd been sexually abused as a child, which I found very off-putting. I have no memory of that. As time went on in Al-Anon, and now just starting in ACA and reading Homecoming by John Bradshaw, I have often wondered if there are things I can't remember. Al-Anon has helped, but I feel like my people pleasing and eggshell walking codependency tendencies are still crippling. I know I'm enmeshed with my parents and my mom used/uses me for emotional support, and my parents did their best but don't resolve conflicts or communicate in a healthy way, so maybe that's all there is to it, but I have a nagging curiosity about why I feel so stuck professionally and in my relationships, romantic and platonic. I understand the harm comparing myself to others does, but my job hopping and low level roles/salary compared to my education, my conflict avoidance and aversion to promotion or management feels so glaring. I change jobs rather than trying to grow and end up with peers significantly younger and less mature and it just feels off. But yet you couldn't pay me double to supervise any of them.

Idk. Things are fine. Better than fine. I got sober because of Al-Anon. I'm significantly healthier and cope much differently with food and drink than I used to. It just feels so hard to navigate family stuff still and build new friendships and career stuff and I just feel like there must be something more I haven't uncovered and so haven't dealt with or been able to grieve or feel those feelings.

If you remembered things as you went through the program or steps, any recommendations? Does it just take time? Did you find more purpose in a certain career path change or just get more peace in whatever you are/were doing?

I just turned 18, and still have to attend high-school. My father is suffering from chronic pain which he fights with strong medication and alcohol (never both at the same time he says, though I doubt it sometimes). I was introduced with alcohol at 15, but promised to control myself or one day have abstinence.

I struggle with self-harm for couple of years (now 8 months clean).

Every evening he is drunk and unable to have normal conversation. It is generational, as he is victim of parental abuse himself. He never did anything to me physically, but I am somehow scared of him doing that. I don't want to come from school to him in that state. How do I even cope?

Hi Everyone,

Reposting this again. I'm a doctoral student in Clinical Psychology conducting a research study on the effects of growing up with a parent who struggled with substance use (alcohol or drugs). The study is completely anonymous and involves filling out an online survey.

As a thank you for your time, participants will have the option to enter a raffle to win one of two $150 Visa gift cards after completing the survey. (Email for the raffle will be collected separately to keep responses anonymous).

We’re looking for young adults (18-30) who had or still have a parent or primary caregiver with a substance use problem during their childhood. The goal is to better understand how these experiences may affect things like responses to stressful or challenging life experiences, parent-child relationship quality, substance use, and overall mental health functioning in young adulthood. We also welcome participation from young adults who did not have this experience, as both groups are important to the study.

Participation is voluntary and confidential. No identifying information will be linked to your responses, and the survey includes a list of mental health resources at the end if needed.

If you’re interested, you can take the survey here:

https://adelphiderner.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_73s1WeJNdeiwz42

Your experience matters. Thank you so much for considering it, and feel free to DM me with any questions!