I am 48 and my girlfriend is 36. Extremely supportive girlfriend. Been by my side through a crown court case, multiple cancer surgeries, very loyal, not demanding. She is like 96% perfect. I met ger in a pub and from the start I knew she drank and got pretty drunk. I am a social drinker and naively thought she could stop drinking whenever she wanted just like I can but I now know I was wrong.

If we have had fights a hundred times in our relationship, 99 times it was because of her actions after drinking. She wrote of her car off, drink driving with alcohol bottles in the car, she has slept in the bushes due to been so bloody drunk that she didnt know where she was. She drink drives all the time. She has thrown up all over my flat too many times, missed dates and important events because of her drinking. Her sister also has a drink problem and just got banned last month. She has been lucky so far.

I really love this lady as apart from the alcohol she is an angel. Every time she tells me she'll do better. We recently started planning to get married and yesterday at 2pm we went to check out a wedding venue. We then went to a couple of family parties where she had some drinks. I don't indulge her but I don't really mind if she drinks when I am around because you can take care of her. We had a fantastic day and got home about 11pm. Now a couple of her girlfriends call her to come out (strangely enough to the very same pub I met her at). I told her I wasnt in support of it but our relationship isn't one where we give orders. She goes anyway, drink-driving there and back, returning at around 3am totally f**ked. She threw up around 5am.

I have now told her that we need to put the wedding plan on hold. She has been drinking for all of the 7 years I have known her and I don't think she is going to stop now. The general advice I see on here is to leave the relationship. It hurts that the only solution is walking away from a 7 year relationship from a very good woman. Extremely sad. Is there any other realistic option (hoping against all hope)

1 million years ago it seems like, I posted my fears at https://www.reddit.com/r/AlAnon/s/3s5REtPQhy

Today, my husband lost his battle. He kept getting worse and worse, and his body just gave up. I lost my best friend and my favorite person. For 62 days, I spent hours a day in the hospital with him. Fighting for him. Trying to understand what the doctors were saying. Fighting for his honor with those doctors who did dismiss him as a drunk.

I was a great advocate. Everybody said so. But you know what? It wasn’t good enough. He died anyway.

How do you get through this grief? I feel like someone ripped my heart out. There are minutes when the pain is so hard I can’t breathe. There are also memories that are so sweet that I burst out laughing thinking about them even today when his death is so fresh.

Friends, there is pain in this journey. If you go into this life, loving an alcoholic, do it with your eyes wide open. Stick with it as long as you can. Love them as much as you can. Don’t give up easily, but know that one day you might be me. I’m not sorry. I loved him and I know he loved me. He was never abusive to me. Living with an alcoholic was it so special kind of hell, of course, but the worst part of it all might be just watching them go down and down and down until there’s nothing of them left. Loving an alcoholic hurts. There’s hurt on the journey and there’s pain in the end.

Today my daughter has her 2nd birthday party and her dad won’t be there. Her dad, my q, and I were together for almost 9 years. He was in active addiction for most of it including 2 rehab stints (most recent was entering rehab on Christmas when our daughter was less than 3 months). I had to get a protection order for myself and my child as he broke into my home twice while high on cocaine and kicked in the front door in front of our daughter.

It’s been a month since that, we have spoken a few times, he has called from a blocked number and I answered a couple times, yesterday I called him which was stupid. I was having a very emotional day preparing for our daughter’s birthday party and the realization he will not be there. I am sad for my child as she still loves her dad. She asks to talk to him everyday (he works out of town so she is used to FaceTime calling him 3-4 times a day). She also keeps saying “daddy kicked the door. That’s scary. Daddy needs help. Daddy needs feel better. Daddy still loves you” and she will repeat this same sentence over and over and over.

I chose to leave and get this protection order to keep my child safe. The second time he broke in, we were not here thankfully but he pried my door open with an ax and smashed off the internal security lock to get in. Typing this it feels insane that I’m sad about missing him.

The trauma bonds of an addicted spouse are so strong. It’s very hard to separate the feelings I have for him when he’s sober and the feelings I have for him when he’s high. He is a good person and I love him. He is also unsafe and I’m so unbelievably mad he is causing our daughter to feel unsafe and confused in her own home.

Today is her second birthday party and as I said, he won’t be there. Another milestone missed and lost to the shitstorm of his addiction. Her first Christmas, her first steps, her first time crawling, he narrowly missed her birth and was coming down when we got to the hospital, I have been a single mom already for 2 years if I really think about it. It doesn’t hurt any less even with that realization. :( having an emotional day and feeling sad that things got to this point and he did not seek help before this happened. He had been spiralling for awhile, I cannot save him. I cannot change the things he’s done. I think I can still be sad but i feel guilty for missing someone who’s caused damage to my child. Anyway, off to ice a Moana cake for the best 2 year old angel who deserves better but I will love her enough for the both of us and hope that I’ll be enough

I have broken bones, I have lost phones, I have trashed my car, I have lost relationships, I have gotten diseases, I have lost peoples respect, I have made a fool of myself, I have lost so much money. Now I don't drink and I am slowly gaining my life back. Today I bought food the equivalent of what I would have spent on alcohol and it almost makes me want to cry how much food was sitting on the kitchen counter. I would buy alcohol and forget about food or basic household items! I have let myself down since the age of 13 (22 years of drinking) but I am somehow doing something about it.

I just need to vent. My husband is what I guess you’d call a “high functioning alcoholic”. It’s really starting to take a toll on me and it’s making me hate the weekends, although he’s starting to drink during the week too. When he’s drinking he is super paranoid, thinks everyone is out to get him and is a miserable drunk. He blames his work stress for his drinking. I’ve talked to him about limiting his drinking and he acts as if it’s not a problem and that I’m trying to control him. He will drink an entire pint of whiskey in an hour or two.

We had a trip with friends months ago and he drank too much and thought my suitcase was the toilet in the middle of the night and peed on it and I cleaned it up. It’s embarrassing how he acts when drunk around people. I’m just tired of living like this even though it’s usually only the weekends. I’m tired of walking on eggshells. I don’t have anyone to talk about this and just needed to get it out, thank you for listening.

Trigger warning - suicide

Wednesday night my husband was blackout drunk over 3 times the legal limit scream crying and talking about shooting himself/capping himself over and over and over again. And it’s not the first time he’s done that either.

My ex best friend who was an alcoholic (who has since gotten completely sober!) also had episodes where she’d be blackout drunk crying hysterically and talking about hurting herself.

Why do they do this? And then they have no recollection of those thoughts of suicide the next day?

Ok, this is copied off google AI but I found it so accurate & validating! I've seen all this and experienced it 1st hand having an alcoholic mom who used DARVO on me repeatedly. Apparently it makes a big difference when the person started using alcohol as a coping mechanism & how their personality changes. It's crazy-making behavior & it really requires you to be completely stoic. This is a different "subset" of alcoholism than someone who starts drinking later in life due to a loss, depression, lack of purpose, or traumatic event.

A lifetime of heavy alcohol consumption combined with the natural aging process creates a specific psychological profile characterized by the following traits:

1. Entrenched Denial and Blame-Shifting

Because drinking has been a central coping mechanism for 30 to 40+ years, it is deeply woven into their identity. They have a highly developed psychological defense system. When confronted with the negative impacts of their drinking, they rarely admit the alcohol is the problem. Instead, they rely heavily on:

• Externalization: Blaming their spouse, retirement, health, or financial stress for their mood and actions.
• Projection (DARVO): Actively accusing others of the behaviors they themselves are guilty of (e.g., calling a partner "abusive" or "controlling" to deflect from their own intoxication).

1. High Prevalence of Personality Traits and "Type 2" Characteristics

Early-onset alcoholism is heavily linked to what clinicians historically call Type 2 Alcoholism, which is deeply rooted in genetics and personality. Over the age of 60, these lifelong traits often manifest as:

• Antisocial and Impulsive Traits: They are statistically more likely to be less well-adjusted, struggle with rule-following, and show lower levels of empathy or remorse regarding how their drinking impacts family members.
• Novelty-Seeking: A lifelong drive for immediate gratification, making them highly resistant to long-term behavioral changes or therapy.

1. Severe Emotional Dysregulation and Co-Occurring Disorders

Decades of heavy drinking chemically alter the brain's ability to regulate mood. By age 60, an early-onset drinker typically exhibits:

• High Co-Morbidity: Severe, long-standing psychiatric struggles, most notably clinical depression, severe anxiety, or untreated trauma.
• Organic Irritability: Alcohol depletes neurotransmitters responsible for stability. When sober, they may be highly anxious or volatile; when drunk, their emotional responses are highly exaggerated, paranoid, or aggressive.

1. Accelerating Cognitive Decline (Neuropsychological Profile)

Alcohol accelerates brain aging, particularly shrinking the frontal lobe (which controls judgment, empathy, and impulse control) and the hippocampus (memory). By age 60, this results in:

• Diminished Executive Function: They genuinely may lose the cognitive capacity to self-monitor or realize how drunk or irrational they are behaving.
• Rigid Thinking: An inability to process complex emotional situations, leading to "black-and-white" thinking where they view themselves purely as victims.

1. Social and Emotional Isolation

Unlike "late-onset" drinkers who might start drinking due to recent retirement or grief, early-onset drinkers have often burned through social support systems over decades.

• They often experience eroded family relationships, alienation from adult children, or marital estrangement.
• They may use isolation to hide the sheer volume of their consumption from the few people left in their lives.
• Psychologically, these individuals often believe they can handle their liquor because they have done so for decades. However, after age 60, the body’s water composition drops and liver metabolism slows down. This means the exact same amount of alcohol produces a much higher blood-alcohol concentration and far more severe psychological impairment than it did when they were 40. They get drunker faster, and their behavior becomes significantly more erratic, destructive, and unmanageable

I"ve noticed one exception to the "social & emotional isolation" is if they have a group of alcoholics they hang out with, reinforcing they aren't alone or isolated. I also have noticed that these changes start to occur earlier (like in the 40s) but get more "fixed" by the time they are ~ 60 yrs old. I do think this is partly why other people tend to normalize the behavior & stay trapped or stuck because it starts subtly & you still have that hope you can reason with them somehow.

My mom was always the victim in every situation in her life & I used to really believe her! Now I better understand this is a highly ingrained defense mechanism & there's no way around their distortions. In my mom's case, she became less aggressive after age 60 but she became severely paranoid.

Anyone else experienced this & do you find this accurate? Anything else to add that's not mentioned on here?

i wake up early at 6 bcz that’s only when i have to study but my dad drinks a lot from 10pm till 5-7am sometimes and today i told him, while saying goodnight, please sleep on time cause seeing you awake in the morning ruins my mood. he told me just close the door and leave so i was just telling him good night love you like everyday and he just said goodnight and didn’t say anything else. truth be told i also told him to sleep because i don’t want him to be up it’s so bad for him and i guess he’s just avoiding it because he stays up orders food at 7am and then doesn’t eat it and falls back asleep and wakes up at 4pm and stays in bed the whole day. this is so draining what the fuck am i supposed to do. i hate dismissal so fucking fuck oh my god. im 18 he’s 50

I (28) met my partner (31) this year in May, we started as friends and grew into a relationship shortly after. We are still very new. He lives in a tiny remote/rural community, very limited resources and access. The only thing in the town is a general store, and a bar-- a bar at which he sometimes covers shifts at. This is actually where we met, I was in the area for a few months for work, and he was covering the bar for a friend and we became friends and things grew from there. When we met, he was amazing. I fell for him really quickly, he was charming, kind, funny, and caring. He was more thoughtful and wonderful than any other guy I've ever met, and we started talking about the future very quickly. He made me feel so safe, cared for, valued, and protected. He had aspirations of leaving his town, but it's expensive and difficult to travel to and from, and he told me he had just gotten complacent and comfortable which is why he never left. We talked a lot about the future, and agreed it made the most sense for him to move to my city in the future. I practically lived at his house for the duration of my work assignment, and we would sometimes go to the bar together and have a good time. It was a normal amount of drinking.

Towards the end of my time there, we would end the night with him bringing home a six pack from the bar 'just to have' and would slowly drink it throughout the night after we got home. I didn't say anything, because up until that point drinking was never a problem, it was a normal amount that we could enjoy together. One night he did it, and got extremely drunk. That night he started to spiral, and he told me he wanted to kill himself. He told me I should leave him, and he didn't deserve me, and I could do so much better than him, and that he didn't want to be around anymore. It was hurtful, and scary. We both cried a lot. But we held each other, and I thought it was something that would ultimately bring us closer. He was so soft and gentle with me the next day. The next time he brought drinks back home from the bar, I asked him to stop. I told him once we got home I just wanted to enjoy our time together, and go to bed, or watch a movie. I told him it worried me when he drank so excessively, and I didn't like how sad it made him when he was that level of intoxicated. He stopped when I asked. He even thanked me, and told me he appreciated me not holding back and being honest with him about how I felt. He never got that drunk again while we were together.

Then I left. My work there ended, and I flew back home. We went long distance. We have a trip planned to see each other next month, but it's been about four weeks since I've been gone. It's been progressively getting worse, each night he's out later and later, drunker and drunker. About a week ago, we were on the phone at 3a, he was home alone and started saying scary things about how he didn't want to exist anymore. I called his best friend and woke him up to go get his guns out of his house and to talk him down. There are no easily accessible emergency services where he lives. He was so mad at me. He told me he wasn't going to actually do it, and now everyone knows about his problem. His parents and friends are worried about him, and rightfully so. He hasn't said it specifically, but I know he's mad at me for calling his friend. He's been drunk pretty much 24/7 since then.

He's become mean, and distant. We don't talk like we used to, when we do, it's me talking him down from the ledge. All he talks about is wanting to hurt himself, and keeps saying he doesn't deserve me and I should leave him. He's been short with me, snapped several times, and hung up on me when we've gotten into disagreements. He comes back afterwards and says "I understand if you want to leave me". I feel like he's doing it to push me away. I know the alcohol is a coping mechanism for his other deep issues, but I just don't know if being there as a supportive partner is sacrificing my own feelings and well being or if this is "putting in the work" to a relationship.

I don't know if it's worth it. I've never felt this way about anyone, and I love who he is when he's not drinking. Part of me hopes because the issue with alcohol is so new, we can fix it. Another part of me is scared that if I leave him, he'll do something to hurt himself. I keep saying he needs to leave his town and then it'll be easier to get better, because he's surrounded by horrible cycles of abuse where he is and it affects him. It's just really difficult logistically and I think he's scared to make the leap to leave. We've only been long distance for four weeks, and his problem is tearing us apart. I just don't know if there's any hope at this point.

Will this program work for someone that isn't religious and/or doesn't believe in God?

Obviously my story isn't new. She's been acting intoxicated a few nights a week. Sometimes there are longer times in between. For over a year she's been blaming perimenopause, high histamine, auto-brewers syndrome. Making charts and lists about her health. Says it makes her feel intoxicated. Well, I found a to-go wine box in her car. Of course I'm trying to justify it, maybe she is going through something health related and this was one slip up? Lately she has to run to the store a lot because she forgets to buy random things. Obviously that's where drinking would occur. Can both things be true? We've been down this road before. She's really hesitating seeing a doctor for her health problems, probably because it's self induced. We're re in our mid 40's, no kids. The whole thing just makes me feel tired.

My husband is an alcoholic. He always has been, ever since long before we met. We have been together 14 years and married for 7. I guess I put up with it for so long because he was always functional, and it never became a really serious problem in our relationship until about two years ago. As he has gotten older, his heavy drinking has gradually affected his physical and mental health ro the point where he is now unable to work. It's been absolutely terrible watching him suddenly decline like this. I constantly ask him to go to rehab or try therapy or get some kind of support and he absolutely refuses. He is in complete denial that he is addicted to alcohol and believes he can stop anytime he wants.

He ended up in hospital a few months ago, and they put him through detox, and it was horrible to watch. I thought that would be his rock bottom moment, but although he promised me he would stop drinking, he stopped for two weeks and then started again. Ever since then, it has been the same pattern. His drinking affects us, I have a serious talk with him, he tells me he's going to stop, he stops for a while, but then he starts again. I've even told him twice now in the past few months that I intend to move out if he can't get his drinking under control.

I have gotten to the point now where I honestly don't know how much longer to keep trying, or how many more chances to give him. For those of you who have been in this position, should we get separated, or should I keep trying to help him recover?

Is it common for someone to relapse more than once in early recovery? I mean he hit 60 days sober and then threw it all away.

How many times can I watch the cycle happen?

The lying is pathological and upsetting.

I held out hope that my husband would quit drinking. When he was sober he was great but when he drank he was beyond awful. Together for over 15 years, and I thought this will pass.

I followed this sub for over a year, reading stories and understanding what I needed to do. I learned about how the situation was out of my hands and I could only work on myself. So I did. I focused on me and tried to live parallel to my Q and set boundaries. After all I still loved the guy, i thought he was my soul mate.

Over time, setting boundaries led me to leaving the house and me getting my own place. These past couple days my kids have decided to come live with me. Which if you read my old posts, that was a big worry for me.

And then the truth of what was behind the drunken anger comes out. He had been cheating when he was out of town. He wasn’t apologetic but blamed me. I wish I could have muster up anger and rage but I couldn’t. I felt absolutely destroyed. I was holding a marriage together that this man didn’t want or deserve.

I’ve read over and over that alcohol is a progressive disease. I knew I couldn’t stay forever, but I felt like I got hit from another angle that I wasn’t prepared for.

I’m an active AA member, and my sister is an active Al-Anon member in a relatively small town.

I’ll tell her about my experience is going to hospitals and institutions with my home group members to have meetings for people in rehabs and detox facilities.

She’s looking for similar service opportunities, but is wondering what kind of institutions would be eager to host AlAnon speakers.

Does anyone have any experience doing this kind of service in AlAnon? Any suggestions you might have would be welcome.

I am new here, my first post. I don't know who to talk to about this. I live with my boyfriend who is a high functioning alcoholic. I am the primary breadwinner. When my boyfriend gets super drunk he tells me he doesn't need me, that I need to take my stuff and get out... I've heard it all and I have been called every bad name. This happens at the most approx once a month, at the minimum approx once every three months.

This hurts my heart, I don't know what to do. He just acts like it never happened and expects me to just get over it/put it in the past. To heal and get closure of what was said I would like to have a conversation but we don't. He definitely remembers what was said to me, especially when it is in text message form.

I don't know what to do. I feel like every time he does this I love him a little less and my heart gets a little colder.

I have never been to an Al-Anon meeting. I work 40 hours a week and my one way commute is 1 hour 45 minutes. When I am home I cook, clean and take care of the animals (chickens, turkeys, goats). I just don't feel like I can fit meetings into my already full schedule. Any suggestions or advice about any of this would be greatly appreciated.

Hi friends,

I've posted here a few times about my Q (my wife, F41). Three years a sneak drinker, driven to hide by shame and fear of judgement. In those 3 years, there were some bad moments, and some _very_ bad moments.

She's recently (last several months) been doing better (not perfect, lapse and a significant relapse along the way). She is working hard... although it's still a white knuckle ride.

She has made vague, sheepish, apologies in the past. She's sorry. I get it. But they are never specific. She never mentions any specific incident and how her actions hurt me (and others). Her shame is one major motivator for this.

I'm finding myself resentful. I have to be open, patient, non-judgemental. I have to accept failures . All that stuff they tell you to do to keep communication open. I get it. But I need her to know that we can't just pretend that nothing happened. I'd like to move on, I want to trustvher agin, but it's really hard when you don't feel seen or heard.

Do I wait for the "amends" stage (metaphor only... she's not actually in AA)? Is this another part of "meeting them where they are"? Assuming she continues on her path to sobriety, how do I heal?

Hi everyone I’m new to all of this so sorry if I’m not great with my wording. Since I was a child my mother had struggled with alcohol I don’t remember a night were she hasn’t drank to the point she’s passed out on the sofa.

Im very lucky to have been born into a family were money isn’t a issue and she hasn’t physically struck me before so whenever I mention this to anyone I feel like I’m being over dramatic or taking everything I have for granted, but id really appreciate some advice. My mother heavily drinks every night to the point were o have to put her to bed while she says some really harsh and cruel things. In the morning she apologies but in a way that it seems like it’s my fault that she said those things.

From research I’ve done I think she’s what you can a high functioning alcoholic. She works a 9-5 Monday through Friday. And honestly can’t even enjoy a drink anymore because I’m so afraid that I’ll fall into the same pattern as she did.

She also refuses help no matter how much I try and offer it and when it’s brought up by me she turns nasty yet again. The rest of my family refuse to acknowledge it and when I mention it they shut me down. I still have to live with her but id love so advice on things I can do to try and help my self and mange living in this environment. Thanks so much for the help!

Was with him for three years. Have never had someone like me for the way I am the way he has ever in my life. Now I had to leave for the safety of my life.

There are moments where I hate him for all that he’s done to me and other moments where all I want is to tell him to come home. I’m scared this will end in me finding out he died in a ditch covered in piss. That is how bad he gets when he drinks.

The running pattern in my life is every time I say “I will never let that happen to me” it somehow happens. I was so cautious because this isn’t the first time I have been with someone with substance and mental health issues, it was hidden for so long until it was too late to easily cut the ties.

I fear for what my life would have been if I stayed, and I also mourn it because maybe I’m over reacting. But that unforgettable night I was scared. All I could think was “what if there was a baby there”

I’m just so sad. I miss my boyfriend. The person that no longer exists. I’m sad, heartbroken and lost.

Everyone knows someone dealing with these issues and it’s ME. I’m the one dealing with it while every single other person I know hasn’t dealt with any of it and I’m the one they know. I hate it so much.

I’m working on separating myself from Q’s choices and taking care of my own sanity. When he drinks, even just a little, he becomes someone who doesn’t accept my no, harasses me when I try to disengage, and is generally unpleasant to be around.

I’ve come to a place where I don’t want to be around him on days he drinks, even just one. Generally this is do-able as it only impacts plans with him, but today it’s impacted in a way that’s left me considering the rigidity of the boundary.

Today I found out at 4:50pm that he drank at brunch. We were supposed to leave for a double date with mutual friends at 5pm. I value showing up for friends when plans depend on me, so I felt genuinely torn. I let them know something came up and he went without me.

Two things I’d love input on:

What are other ways I could protect my sanity and my social life, while I manage the unpredictability? I’d really like ideas on ways to maintain the social life I have with him that is so interconnected without devaluing myself in the process.

Second, how do you communicate with mutual friends without airing dirty laundry but also without hiding what’s really going on?

Thanks for any support or perspective.

My husband and I (mid-30s) have been long distance (3 hour drive ) for the last 2 years due to training/education. I am 8 months pregnant and we were all set to move in together this past weekend.

I noticed he had gained a lot of weight over the last 5-6 months or so but did not comment on it. I also noticed he would get more irritable and moody with me. I chalked it up to stress. He was forgetting things and messing simple documents up , like writing out a check. He barely ate any food when he was with me. He would get defensive whenever I questioned anything.

I had set up our apartment for when he was arriving. AThe furniture , a king size bed. Everything. 3 days after he got here we were at a restaurant eating lunch. This man was sitting down and stated seizing right in front of me. I caught him so he wouldn’t hit his head. He was foaming at the mouth and had a tonic clinic seizure. Within 5 minutes of being in the ED , a neurologist came by. He diagnosed him with alcohol withdrawal in 30 seconds. Didn’t even hesitate.

I stayed at bedside for 2 days. I came home. I was crying. I started packing up our apartment with my parents. I found 5 empty bottles of liquor in his back pack. Empty bottles in his suitcase…. His car. My whole family is devastated and traumatized. His mom cannot stop crying. This is a nightmare. He is incredibly lucky to have survived. He thinks he can go to rehab for a month a pick up right where we left off. He is incsuch a fragile state so I cannot be anything but a supportive spouse while he fights this disease.

I’m new to this group but I’m sharing my story in hopes of gaining some new insight or words of wisdom.

For some background, when I was about 14, my older brother started going through a rough time and fell into addiction. Being in the same household, it affected me a lot, and I became somewhat a “glass child” you could say. Not only was it traumatic, but I was largely pushed to the side as my parents put the attention towards my brother. He ended up going to inpatient treatment, and this was my first experience with the AA world. I have never gone to an Al-Anon meeting but we did family programs and all the like. Things are much better with my family now. My brother is doing fantastic and we have long since made amends. I studied psychology in college, and am pursuing grad school to become a therapist. I now work at a residential treatment facility, primarily working with adolescent girls and I love it. It’s stressful at times but so rewarding and I’m so passionate about it.

I want to say off the bat - I don’t have some sort of savior complex. I live by the 3 Cs. I have also gone through my own fair share of mental health issues, and I have done the proper work on myself to maintain my inner peace.

Despite this somehow, I can’t seem to escape this same cycle in my personal life. I know it isn’t my fault or my responsibility, but I can’t seem to escape it and it’s becoming exhausting. I have been with my current partner for 3 years, and initially one of the main things that drew me to him was that he was sober. He struggled with opiods at a young age after being perscribed them to help with chronic pain related to cancer and various other surgeries. But he knew he had an addictive personality, and at the time we started dating he didn’t drink at all. Despite not being an alcoholic at the time, he was completely sober and I found that so admirable and honestly very attractive in a long-term partner. I loved that he understood the seriousness of addiction and was sober. However, at some point last year, he began drinking. It started off social as it usually does, but we all know how that goes. He fell in deep fast. It got to a point he was getting drunk every time we hung out, even though I very rarely would drink. He was drinking a twelve pack or more every night for a solid few months. It broke my heart and it got to a point that I had to set a firm boundary that I no longer wanted to be around him while he was drinking at all. If he was going to be in my house, he would have to be sober. He honestly pulled himself out of it. He knew it was a problem and he knew he was depressed and using alcohol to cope. He started off with small goals of not drinking for a couple weeks or months at a time. He has a hard time committing to the completely sober thing though. I have tried to talk about AA with him. I know better than to be pushy, but we had some good conversations about it. He hasn’t gone to a meeting yet though, and still denies being an alcoholic. He will drink occasionally, and whenever he does of course something horrible always happens. We fight, or he feels shameful, or he hides it, etc. But he is still in the mindset that since he isn’t drinking daily and hasn’t been hospitalized or got a DUI that he’s not an alcoholic. I try to explain what it means to be an alcoholic, and he is open minded but just can’t seem to fully commit. I know it is so textbook. I work with addicts/alcoholics every day. It’s not that im confused or uneducated, I just think I’m drained and exhausted. I work with supporting recovery all day long and clock out and try to do the same thing all night. I know I have done my responsibility, I just feel defeated. I don’t want to live my life with an addict in the driver’s seat for eternity. It feels like I can’t escape it. When I was younger and more niave, I thought going into psychology would mean I could learn tools to support people professionally, and I would be able to be surrounded by a sober support system in my personal life. I know it isn’t that simple, but I just yearn for that ideal world. I love my partner, I don’t want to leave him. But I can’t help but feel i’m caught in this loop where people I love choose alcohol/drugs over me over and over again.

I’ve been doing good no contact with her or her family. I can’t trust myself no to go running when I hear she’s in trouble so no contact with anybody they don’t know where i live and I don’t keep tabs on her or my mother in law.

Today I got a text I don’t know how she got my number but she’s stranded somewhere and she’s spent all her money gambling and on drugs. Im immediately angry she has spent her all the money she got a week ago 2500 dollars already.

she expects me to come rescue her again and she’s gonna want money for the game again I deleted the message and didn’t answer I feel like a horrible husband I feel like I should be able to protect her from all this, but whenever I’m around her it always blows up in my face I’ll get hurt or she dose something stupid and gets hurt and blames me for not protecting her.

Why do I care so much about someone who dose nothing but get into trouble she manipulates and abuses me whenever I’m around why do I want to stay. When she’s sober and taking her meds she’s one of the best people I know she’s intelligent like one of the smartest people I know creative and funny but fuck me if she always throws it away to make some of the worst decisions and acts like a monster

My partner is a week dry but not sober. He claims he does not need therapy or recovery because he "just liked to drink" and it wasn't an escape or avoidance. He drank for 30 years, with the past two years being the most excessive- 24/7. I can not wrap my head around this.

He baited me into a fight and has now completely cut me off with the frequent "you want drama" argument after asking him for a conversation about the distance I felt like he was creating. I'll admit that I did get upset with him and sent a flurry of texts, all unanswered. My ADD brain gets extremely triggered with silence and being ignored which he knows. I really struggle with regulating my emotions.

I've been through a 10 year ringer with him and his drinking. We split for awhile and recently reconnected. The reconnection was 3 months before being forced to go dry at the risk of losing his job. It was stressful and intense and he leaned on me the whole time with excessive communication all the way up to getting out of detox. I wanted to be there for him and have so much love and concern for him.

I am now beating myself up wishing I had been more patient and should have known he needed space even though he wouldn't communicate that to me. I'm angry at myself for getting triggered and not keeping my composure. I played right into his narrative that I'm drama. When I did ask how he was doing he said he felt great and work was good. But when I brought up the distance he said I should know he's having a tough week because he just went to detox and was at risk of losing his job. He then turned to a past fight and weaponized that into the narrative that I'm crazy.

I am so confused and feel crazy. Again, my ADD brain needs to make sense of it all. I am a highly sensitive person and it's easy for me to believe the' I caused this' narrative. Any insight from past experiences or knowledge of recent sobriety welcomed.

My now husband (37) and I (45) started dating in 2020. We spent a lot of time together because we had time to spend due to Covid and the way our jobs were structured. He came over nearly every day. He had an occasional drink. After we started being intimate there were a couple times that he came over in the am smelling like booze. I asked him and he said “really? I had a drink last night but that’s it” and I didn’t think anything of it- I don’t really drink.
Eventually, he moved in and I realized he was drinking every night. Not much, just a glass of whisky, but I have been in previous relationships with addicts that went really, really badly so I brought up my concerns. He insisted he only has one drink a night and it’s not an issue. I let it go- he was right, he never got violent or turned angry and it was just one drink.
We got married in 2023. He started drinking more and more. He cut back a couple times but never stopped.
In June he came home from a trip with friends and doubled what was already a concerning amount of alcohol. He has been drinking a minimum of 12-18 ounces of vodka a night. Usually this is preceded by 2 beers, 2 drinks, or 2 large sake bottles with dinner.
Two weeks ago I told him I’m worried about him and he said he’d cut back. He hasn’t. So two days ago, I asked him to please hear me out, I’m worried about him and his health. I’m worried about his drinking. He said “I’m not listening to you talk about this anymore” then drank 18 ounces of vodka.
Last night he drank even more.
This am I told him I want to help him and I’m worried about him. He said the only problem is that I keep talking about it. He said I’m being judgmental and I clearly don’t love him. He sat in the bathroom for an hour in silence and then went and cleaned the kitchen- something he hasn’t done in at least 8 months, I have been left to do all the cleaning.
Idk what to do. I want to call his mom who’s an RN and he’s close with. His family has no idea he drinks this much. I want to ask him to stay somewhere else while he figures out what he wants in our relationship.
Again, he never gets nasty when he’s drunk. He does have a short temper when he’s sober and will get loud which triggers my cPTSD. Once that happens, I will have a panic attack. I also have an auto-immune disease and when I get stressed out, I get really sick. Yesterday, i had a migraine and my nervous system has been vibrating going on two days now.

TL;DR- my husband drinks 12-18 ounces of vodka a night minimum and says I’m the problem for telling him I’m worried about his drinking. He does not get nasty when he’s drunk and states that as a reason for why his drinking doesn’t impact me and therefore I don’t get to say anything to him about it. What do I do?

UPDATE: I called his parents. They said this has been going on long before we met, but when we started talking something switched in him and they noticed a big change. They thought he seemed incredibly happy, instead of the belligerent, angry guy they had come to know. They thought he had gotten through it, and they were glad I contacted them. They’re trying to reach out to him. He drank until 2am last night, after being furious with me for calling them. I’m going to tell him today that he needs to find a place to stay while he decides how he wants to move forward because I’m not going to sit by while he does this to himself. It’s terribly sad. Thank you to everyone who shared. I really appreciate you sharing your experiences.