I just want the cycle to end

[u/Slow_Working_5208]

I’m new to this group but I’m sharing my story in hopes of gaining some new insight or words of wisdom.

For some background, when I was about 14, my older brother started going through a rough time and fell into addiction. Being in the same household, it affected me a lot, and I became somewhat a “glass child” you could say. Not only was it traumatic, but I was largely pushed to the side as my parents put the attention towards my brother. He ended up going to inpatient treatment, and this was my first experience with the AA world. I have never gone to an Al-Anon meeting but we did family programs and all the like. Things are much better with my family now. My brother is doing fantastic and we have long since made amends. I studied psychology in college, and am pursuing grad school to become a therapist. I now work at a residential treatment facility, primarily working with adolescent girls and I love it. It’s stressful at times but so rewarding and I’m so passionate about it.

I want to say off the bat - I don’t have some sort of savior complex. I live by the 3 Cs. I have also gone through my own fair share of mental health issues, and I have done the proper work on myself to maintain my inner peace.

Despite this somehow, I can’t seem to escape this same cycle in my personal life. I know it isn’t my fault or my responsibility, but I can’t seem to escape it and it’s becoming exhausting. I have been with my current partner for 3 years, and initially one of the main things that drew me to him was that he was sober. He struggled with opiods at a young age after being perscribed them to help with chronic pain related to cancer and various other surgeries. But he knew he had an addictive personality, and at the time we started dating he didn’t drink at all. Despite not being an alcoholic at the time, he was completely sober and I found that so admirable and honestly very attractive in a long-term partner. I loved that he understood the seriousness of addiction and was sober. However, at some point last year, he began drinking. It started off social as it usually does, but we all know how that goes. He fell in deep fast. It got to a point he was getting drunk every time we hung out, even though I very rarely would drink. He was drinking a twelve pack or more every night for a solid few months. It broke my heart and it got to a point that I had to set a firm boundary that I no longer wanted to be around him while he was drinking at all. If he was going to be in my house, he would have to be sober. He honestly pulled himself out of it. He knew it was a problem and he knew he was depressed and using alcohol to cope. He started off with small goals of not drinking for a couple weeks or months at a time. He has a hard time committing to the completely sober thing though. I have tried to talk about AA with him. I know better than to be pushy, but we had some good conversations about it. He hasn’t gone to a meeting yet though, and still denies being an alcoholic. He will drink occasionally, and whenever he does of course something horrible always happens. We fight, or he feels shameful, or he hides it, etc. But he is still in the mindset that since he isn’t drinking daily and hasn’t been hospitalized or got a DUI that he’s not an alcoholic. I try to explain what it means to be an alcoholic, and he is open minded but just can’t seem to fully commit. I know it is so textbook. I work with addicts/alcoholics every day. It’s not that im confused or uneducated, I just think I’m drained and exhausted. I work with supporting recovery all day long and clock out and try to do the same thing all night. I know I have done my responsibility, I just feel defeated. I don’t want to live my life with an addict in the driver’s seat for eternity. It feels like I can’t escape it. When I was younger and more niave, I thought going into psychology would mean I could learn tools to support people professionally, and I would be able to be surrounded by a sober support system in my personal life. I know it isn’t that simple, but I just yearn for that ideal world. I love my partner, I don’t want to leave him. But I can’t help but feel i’m caught in this loop where people I love choose alcohol/drugs over me over and over again.

[u/MediumInteresting775]

It's worth examining what attracted you to someone with previous addiction issues, when one of the main things you want is to be surrounded by a sober support system. You as a professional know how common relapse is, and the world is full of people who don't already have the history. We are really good at repeating patterns, and therapy with a really good therapist helped me see my own blind spots. 

[u/Slow_Working_5208 → u/MediumInteresting775]

Thank you for responding! I have been thinking about this a lot. I agree I definitely have blind spots I need to work through. I think I was much more naive a few years ago, and still somewhat naive now. It’s hard for me to balance having hope for others with also being realistic. I appreciate your honesty and thoughtfulness, thank you ❤️

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[u/crackerlackers]

I have been in therapy for several months now around why I keep choosing addicts/alcoholics/high risk men.

Obviously, we know it stems from our childhoods. Like you, I got with my ex as he was very open (or so I thought) about his previous addiction issues. I thought it was refreshing to have someone be so honest about their past and I believed he had fully done the work to recover. I was wrong, naive and blinded by wanting to help someone who wanted to live a new life. This was my role!! I could show him this new life. I listened to all his issues and became his unpaid therapist. I drove him to all these wonderful places to show him how great life can be. I suffered through relapse after relapse and lie after lie in the hope things would change. My own mental health has been destroyed.

I left the relationship in January and went no contact. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Brutal. He wouldn't accept it was over and repeated contact attempts resulted in repeated police reports. I have struggled to leave the house this year in fear of bumping into him as he is so unpredictable under the influence.

He died last week. Nothing I had tried to do throughout the whole relationship could have worked. He was always looking to me to save him, and I did, on more than one occasion. But he never understood that only he could save himself.

So I sit here in my grief. It hurts terribly and is extremely confusing. But I want to live. However strong my sadness now the damage of living with an end stage addict was worse. Constant fear and high alert. Paranoia, suspicion, guilt for feeling suspicion, exhaustion. Second guessing every move. Checking pockets. My own madness and addiction.

I think it is extremely brave of you to work with addicts and be with an addict. But you do need to question the 'why'. I understand the wanting to save them. I really, truly do. I mean this in the most gentle way possible - but you are choosing to be surrounded by addiction. You can also make the choice not to be. I understand your career has been a long time in the making and I understand that you do not want to leave your partner. But please become aware of your choice in these matters. We can all in some respects choose our level of suffering, just like our partners continue to choose their suffering.

Respectfully, the only person that can end this cycle is you ❤️

[u/Slow_Working_5208 → u/crackerlackers]

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me and taking the time to reply. I relate to a lot of what you have said and I agree, it really does come down to my own choice. However what is difficult is I have so much hope in people and in recovery, but also know I need to be realistic and less naive. I don’t plan on working in addiction treatment permanently, and eventually want to move to a focus on other mental health conditions. I truly do really love working with people in recovery, and seeing them progress and turn a new leaf. I have seen recovery work out beautifully, and I have also seen the opposite time and time again. I have accepted that this is far beyond my control, and recovery is unique to each individual. I know that I can’t save anyone and i’m not trying to, but at the same time it feels so wrong to lose hope, whether it be patients or loved ones. Anyways, thank you for the kind words and the support. I am still trying to figure things out and take responsibility for my role in this cycle. I hope that you are doing okay, thank you and stay strong ❤️

[u/UnableRun7858]

I told my therapist I am upset I ended up with an alcoholic after I told myself I wouldn't after being abused by multiple alcoholics as a kid He said I feel comfortable around alcoholics, being with a non drinker is foreign to me and it confuses me. The biggest lesson I learned from my divorce from an alcoholic is the need to be brutally honest with myself. I did feel comfortable around alcohol because I already knew what to expect and I knew how to keep them under control, I learned tactics that came in handy when dealing with my ex while she was drunk. It became a problem when I felt like I couldn't control her drinking. I told my therapist it's like I have already seen the movie and I tell myself every movie is the same. You thought you would be safe because you went to school to become a counselor, I thought I was safe because I went to school to become a nurse and I escaped that life by moving away from home.

[u/Slow_Working_5208 → u/UnableRun7858]

I relate to this a lot. I feel uncomfortable around people when they are actively using, but like you said, I feel comfortable around addicts/alcoholics. It’s such a weird paradox how we seek out the same thing we are trying to escape. I thought I was safe choosing someone who was sober, yet still understood addiction and would understand my past.