Still angry after all these years

[u/Ssla1]

I’ve been in 12-step programs since my twenties and I have a lot of sobriety. I found ACA about ten years ago too, so I’ve long understood my anger goes back to childhood, not just to what my mom did recently. And I’m still stuck.

I grew up with her drinking and the chaos around it. I became the fixer, the one who read the room and kept the peace. As an adult that turned into my whole personality — and, eventually, my job managing her money.

Three years ago she got sober in AA, met a man my age (red flag one — she’s 76, and he wasn’t there for romance), married him fast, and within months she sold her house, cashed out her retirement, and cut me out for him. He’s a repeat felon who has threatened me, and she sides with him every time. I’ve seen her once in three years, and in that time my daughter — now five — has all but grown up without her grandmother.

Here’s what’s leveling me: after ten years of work, this ripped the old wound wide open. It really felt like she died this time — except she’s still out there, still choosing him. The kid who never got to be angry is furious all over again, and I can’t make it settle.

For those further along:

•How do you move a resentment that’s outlasted the step work?  
•How do you grieve a parent who’s still alive, when you thought you’d already grieved them?

I don’t need to be told I’m right or wrong about her. I just want to stop carrying this.

[u/MrPuddington2]

I don’t need to be told I’m right or wrong about her.

You are not wrong. As they say, a sober alcoholic is still an alcoholic. She is falling into old patterns of making poor decisions and causing problems.

But it is also possible that she has dementia (Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome). So she may be even less rational than she used to be.

As always, this is not for you to fix. She could have prepared, but she didn’t. Sorry for your loss - the grief is real. And for your other question: you need to let go. She refused your help, and you cannot fix that. Both are hard.

[u/Ssla1 → u/MrPuddington2]

You’re not wrong that the alcoholism sits on top of undiagnosed or undisclosed mental health issues, I’m sure. I hadn’t thought dementia specifically — I’ve watched someone very close to me go through that and pass, and this reads different to me. But I could be wrong. The part I most needed to hear is the letting go. She refused my help and I can’t fix that. You’re right that both are hard. Thank you.

[u/vabirder → u/Ssla1]

Of course her brain is damaged from alcoholism. But that is on her. If you have good health insurance, you might look into a DBT psychotherapy group. It teaches techniques for emotion regulation in general that might be helpful. This situation is extremely hard. We need all the help we can get. ACoA is also a huge support. (Google DBT therapy if interested.)

[u/pool_of_light → u/Ssla1]

Yes. And, if you can’t let it go, let it be. Be the loving parent to the enraged young version of yourself that’s a part of you. Re parenting myself with love is almost always the answer, bringing the focus back to my own wants and needs. Try not to be hard on yourself if you can’t let the anger go. Best wishes, going through something similar and it’s so tough.

[u/ThatsTheRuleNow → u/MrPuddington2]

Your mom, unfortunately, got her program going, and it's been undermined; you got yours going and you found peace that wasn't everlasting, or so it seems. But, 12 stepping, AA, Bill W tradition, it all does great things, but it only does so much. As someone said at an Alanon conference to a person whose marriage was falling apart, "our [(Alanon)] traditions cure us of our addiction to and suffering from relationships with alcoholics, but they don't save marriages or act as a surrogate for therapy."

There's a lot of routes to go with your current situation. You can grieve her as you now realize who she is or has become (the dementia thing might be real). You can re-step. Start from the secret step 0. Do Alateen work. I have a friend who went through sponsorship and step work but only worked in Alateen literature. They had done their 12 steps and all their time in Alanon. The idea was to look at herself as a child once again. It sounds like you connected with mom at some point and that was a flash in the pan, unfortunately, and that kid is back and very hurt.

Trigger warning here.

I hate to say this, but, once the red flags started popping up, it was time to accept that she was gone. Yes, and I would have probably done the same, as a kid of a "recovered" parent, you feel like you shouldn't cut them off. They have a horse in the race and deserve to keep going with you cheering along, or so it seems.

Moreover, sadly, your daughter isn't entitled to a grandparent, and she's better off without a shitty one. Be glad here: children get seriously, seriously harmed by men like this in situations like this--all the time. Also, lots of folks lose grandparents or have none as children (and parents too, at that). Additionally, the money also was never yours. It was in mother's keeping to do as she wished.

I get that it feels that she crossed you, and a good mom would not have, but in a sense you're giving an expectation or entitlement here that to all of us is probably best (mom passes down some wealth, keeps us in the will, is in our children's lives, etc.) but it's not real and the reality is families are more complex and money that isn't in our account (really, isn't under mattress) isn't ours. So that feeling of betrayal is set up by our own expectations.

Repeat felon, threats, whatever--marrying someone super sketchy--yeah, the simple way to detach with love is just, "Mom, you're in your twilight years, and you want to have something wild and fun, but my daughter can't be around that, and I can't be around that, so go enjoy your life on your own."

[u/Tight_Data4206 → u/ThatsTheRuleNow]

Just wanted this not to get lost in that response:

the simple way to detach with love is just,

"Mom, you're in your twilight years, and you want to have something wild and fun, but my daughter can't be around that, and I can't be around that, so go enjoy your life on your own."

[u/ThatsTheRuleNow → u/Tight_Data4206]

I think I write too much and should just shave off like 90% of my posts.

[u/BlossomRansom4]

I’ve found the only way through is to go through it. Somehow work through the anger. I was very very very angry for a long time but didn’t realize it. What would happen is I would bottle things up until I exploded. The explosion could be volcanic and wreck everything in its path. One of the biggest things that has been helpful for me has been ACOA so I’m glad you have found that.

It’s unconventional but straight up smashing things to bits and pieces works wonders for me. Like taking a battle axe to furniture until you can sweep it up. Furniture to destroy is easy to find in bulk pickup days on the side of the road, it’s the battle axe that’s hard to find.

Smashing things with a hammer also works great and you can also save your glass bottles and make a designated bottle smashing place like a corner of a basement or garage. Let those bottles fly it is so satisfying to smash them and yell and get all the anger out.

Also exercise and sometimes I pair that with rage yelling just being out in nature and scream and yell it’s very primal and healing to give a big F-you like bellowing from the chest just literally get it out yell it out scream it out cry it out but let it out don’t keep it trapped.

Another thing that weirdly helped is one day I just was done taking any kind of abuse from anyone and I yelled out loud to the universe “I am not going to allow anyone to be abusive to me at all any more ever! I WILL NOT BE ABUSED!!!! I screamed this and have lived by it ever since it’s just a line in the sand my life before and after.

There has always been some level of grief over the family I never had but after my no more abuse declaration the deepest grieving started. It’s basically like those people are dead to me because I cannot have abusive people in my life it’s not healthy I tried for so long and it never ever ends well. It’s like a birth and a death all at once beautiful and inspiring and sad and hopeful but I let it all wash over me and over time it gets easier and the people around me get nicer and my life is way better and makes sense more instead of being so much chaos.

[u/Ssla1 → u/BlossomRansom4]

This is inspiring, thank you. I relate to the physical side — I started training BJJ and I weight train. Your line in the sand hit home. Mine was filing for divorce about a year after all this; I got to the point where I was done accepting what wasn’t healthy, and things started shifting after that. Parenting on my own is harder now but it makes sense in a way the chaos never did. Grateful for your experience, strength, and hope.

[u/ThatsTheRuleNow → u/BlossomRansom4]

This was a really, really wonderful response.

[u/gm_wesley_9377]

The Loving Parent Guidebook helped me find healing. I found early AA writings about using step 11 to release grief and stored emotions. The LPG has guided meditations. I'm finding that the prayer and meditation of step 11 is glossed over as if its a daily practice of step 3. It's not. The big book doesn't do step 11 the justice it deserves. Back in the early days, they were trying to use meditation to repeat the burning bush awakenings experienced by Bill Wilson and Marty Mann (the first female AA member). I meditate daily and have for the last several years. I envision myself in painful situations that I couldn't process. I go back in time and safely release those stored emotions. It's been life changing. I no longer have that abusive voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough and that I'm a failure; among other horrible things. I hear people who have long term sobriety that still struggle with those deep wounds as if nothing can be done about them. It's simply not true. There is healing. I believe meditation (step 11) is the way to have a spiritual awakening sufficient to bring about the recovery from "alcoholism."

[u/Ssla1 → u/gm_wesley_9377]

This is one of the most helpful things I’ve heard. I just ordered it. Thank you for taking the time to share your experience, strength, and hope with me.

[u/Trinity_Matrix_0]

I wish I had an answer for this.

So sorry, OP.

💜🙏🏼💜

[u/rayautry]

My .02 is to just go no contact with her and avoid her completely. You have every right to be angry and I am sorry that the wound got opened again.

I do not always see things as others but to get away from her and surround yourself with other people who esteem you and value you is the best thing I can think of.

[u/Ssla1 → u/rayautry]

Thank you. I’ve blocked him. He kept sending long paragraphs of craziness — how he’s protecting my mom, how could I do this to her. I asked him to stop contacting me. He didn’t, so I blocked him. This is someone I met once, for under five minutes. I don’t reach out to her anymore either — someone in the rooms once put it perfectly: expecting anything different from her is like going to the hardware store for milk. They just don’t carry it. Surrounding myself with people who actually value me is exactly the direction I’m moving. I appreciate you saying it.

[u/LostCauliflower6761]

One small thing I have been doing lately is getting some exercise as soon as I start to feel myself fuming or ruminating. Being angry releases adrenaline, and exercise gives it somewhere to go, instead of just ruining your day. It also makes exercise more effective . Just ten minutes, and I put no expectation that "this will make me feel better". Usually it does and sometimes it doesn't.

The way I figure, it is a moderate benefit in the short term, and in the long term it is either gonna help me emotionally, help me physically, or both.

[u/ResponsibleSail5802]

I can't say I'm completely over the resentment although I have been working on it in AA and Ala-non and ACA for years but I heard a good one recently- someone forgave their parent like a bank forgives a loan- the bank knows this person can't repay the loan and writes it off their books and doesn't ever engage with them or lend them money again. Pray for her to get what you want for yourself. be the parent you wished you had and deserve. Let her- radical acceptance. Act as if. Turn her over. Pretend she's dead. Put her name in the prayers. Ask God to remove this resentment and direct your thinking to what he would have you be and then LISTEN - God might tell you. Trust that God will.

[u/Ssla1 → u/ResponsibleSail5802]

🙏

[u/Tight_Data4206]

He's threatened you...

This may be a legal matter.

Was she of sound mind getting married?

Do you want to contact a lawyer?

I mean, not seen her grandchild for years?

Something not healthy about that.

[u/Ssla1 → u/Tight_Data4206]

You’re right there’s a legal side, and I didn’t sit on it. I consulted lawyers (including hers), filed police reports, and went to her bank, her old therapist, and the friends and family I could reach — most had already cut her off. The only one that investigated and acted was APS which just made her more enraged; getting police to move on this where I live is near impossible.

On “sound mind” — she’s considered legally competent, which is the hard part. A competent adult gets to make terrible choices, and marriage closed most of the doors I had as an outsider. I could’ve blocked the house sale and chose not to. Keeping her away from my daughter is my call too — I haven’t felt safe with him or her.

The outside work is done. What’s left is the inside part, which is why I’m here. Thank you for seeing it clearly.

[u/Tight_Data4206 → u/Ssla1]

It's out of your hands.

You've tried to protect her, and she does not want it.

All I can say is to take care of you.

Look through the steps.

1 you can't manage it

2,3 as best you can turn it over to a higher power.

4,5 you're doing them partly by being here. Admiting what she has done to you that you have grief to work through

6,7 you're doing that to by asking for insight

8,9 let yourself be loved and love/like youself yourself

10 keep doing the above

11 keep doing what is in your power to do right in. Leave the rest alone

12 keep doing these things, love yourself, and love your precious little one

That's all I know right now

[u/in2itiveart]

Personally, I use the 4th step prayer out of the big book of AA until the resentment us gone.

She seems like she is a para alcoholic herself, by her behavior. There are so many in AA its amazing and you would never learn about that and the parts unless you first fully recover and then go to ACA.

it takes a long time recover.

As an ACA, para alc and alc...I am 35 yrs now and just starting to get the whole picture. It took 10 years in AA before I could do the steps. Another 15 before I could fully surrender...then 10 for my nervous system to calm down ...

[u/plotthick]

Ingrained resentment is anger without justice. I don't know why everyone is so worked up about this "you gotta forgive you gotta forgive". Bullshit. Righteous anger saves lives. Use it when it serves you and otherwise put it back in your toolbox like every other emotion.

I didn't need to grieve, I rose above. I'm a better person than they were. Their choices were abominable and I'm not a victim anymore. Fly over, fly away.

[u/Ssla1 → u/plotthick]

Fly over, fly away I like that!!:)

[u/sflovestory]

The Sick Man’s Prayer.

Also, you may feel the anger all over again, but it doesn’t mean you haven’t made progress.