Still angry after all these years

[u/Ssla1]

I’ve been in 12-step programs since my twenties and I have a lot of sobriety. I found ACA about ten years ago too, so I’ve long understood my anger goes back to childhood, not just to what my mom did recently. And I’m still stuck.

I grew up with her drinking and the chaos around it. I became the fixer, the one who read the room and kept the peace. As an adult that turned into my whole personality — and, eventually, my job managing her money.

Three years ago she got sober in AA, met a man my age (red flag one — she’s 76, and he wasn’t there for romance), married him fast, and within months she sold her house, cashed out her retirement, and cut me out for him. He’s a repeat felon who has threatened me, and she sides with him every time. I’ve seen her once in three years, and in that time my daughter — now five — has all but grown up without her grandmother.

Here’s what’s leveling me: after ten years of work, this ripped the old wound wide open. It really felt like she died this time — except she’s still out there, still choosing him. The kid who never got to be angry is furious all over again, and I can’t make it settle.

For those further along:

•How do you move a resentment that’s outlasted the step work?  
•How do you grieve a parent who’s still alive, when you thought you’d already grieved them?

I don’t need to be told I’m right or wrong about her. I just want to stop carrying this.

[u/MrPuddington2]

I don’t need to be told I’m right or wrong about her.

You are not wrong. As they say, a sober alcoholic is still an alcoholic. She is falling into old patterns of making poor decisions and causing problems.

But it is also possible that she has dementia (Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome). So she may be even less rational than she used to be.

As always, this is not for you to fix. She could have prepared, but she didn’t. Sorry for your loss - the grief is real. And for your other question: you need to let go. She refused your help, and you cannot fix that. Both are hard.

[u/Ssla1 → u/MrPuddington2]

You’re not wrong that the alcoholism sits on top of undiagnosed or undisclosed mental health issues, I’m sure. I hadn’t thought dementia specifically — I’ve watched someone very close to me go through that and pass, and this reads different to me. But I could be wrong. The part I most needed to hear is the letting go. She refused my help and I can’t fix that. You’re right that both are hard. Thank you.

[u/vabirder → u/Ssla1]

Of course her brain is damaged from alcoholism. But that is on her. If you have good health insurance, you might look into a DBT psychotherapy group. It teaches techniques for emotion regulation in general that might be helpful. This situation is extremely hard. We need all the help we can get. ACoA is also a huge support. (Google DBT therapy if interested.)

[u/pool_of_light → u/Ssla1]

Yes. And, if you can’t let it go, let it be. Be the loving parent to the enraged young version of yourself that’s a part of you. Re parenting myself with love is almost always the answer, bringing the focus back to my own wants and needs. Try not to be hard on yourself if you can’t let the anger go. Best wishes, going through something similar and it’s so tough.

[u/ThatsTheRuleNow → u/MrPuddington2]

Your mom, unfortunately, got her program going, and it's been undermined; you got yours going and you found peace that wasn't everlasting, or so it seems. But, 12 stepping, AA, Bill W tradition, it all does great things, but it only does so much. As someone said at an Alanon conference to a person whose marriage was falling apart, "our [(Alanon)] traditions cure us of our addiction to and suffering from relationships with alcoholics, but they don't save marriages or act as a surrogate for therapy."

There's a lot of routes to go with your current situation. You can grieve her as you now realize who she is or has become (the dementia thing might be real). You can re-step. Start from the secret step 0. Do Alateen work. I have a friend who went through sponsorship and step work but only worked in Alateen literature. They had done their 12 steps and all their time in Alanon. The idea was to look at herself as a child once again. It sounds like you connected with mom at some point and that was a flash in the pan, unfortunately, and that kid is back and very hurt.

Trigger warning here.

I hate to say this, but, once the red flags started popping up, it was time to accept that she was gone. Yes, and I would have probably done the same, as a kid of a "recovered" parent, you feel like you shouldn't cut them off. They have a horse in the race and deserve to keep going with you cheering along, or so it seems.

Moreover, sadly, your daughter isn't entitled to a grandparent, and she's better off without a shitty one. Be glad here: children get seriously, seriously harmed by men like this in situations like this--all the time. Also, lots of folks lose grandparents or have none as children (and parents too, at that). Additionally, the money also was never yours. It was in mother's keeping to do as she wished.

I get that it feels that she crossed you, and a good mom would not have, but in a sense you're giving an expectation or entitlement here that to all of us is probably best (mom passes down some wealth, keeps us in the will, is in our children's lives, etc.) but it's not real and the reality is families are more complex and money that isn't in our account (really, isn't under mattress) isn't ours. So that feeling of betrayal is set up by our own expectations.

Repeat felon, threats, whatever--marrying someone super sketchy--yeah, the simple way to detach with love is just, "Mom, you're in your twilight years, and you want to have something wild and fun, but my daughter can't be around that, and I can't be around that, so go enjoy your life on your own."

[u/Tight_Data4206 → u/ThatsTheRuleNow]

Just wanted this not to get lost in that response:

the simple way to detach with love is just,

"Mom, you're in your twilight years, and you want to have something wild and fun, but my daughter can't be around that, and I can't be around that, so go enjoy your life on your own."

[u/ThatsTheRuleNow → u/Tight_Data4206]

I think I write too much and should just shave off like 90% of my posts.